Mickey Mouse named "honorary Jew," to be circumcised in grand opening publicity stunt
NEVEH DEKALIM SETTLEMENT, Gaza - In a stunning announcement on the heels of the Gaza Strip evacuation, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon this morning told reporters that by 2011, a new Disney theme park will spring up on the land Israeli settlers were forced to leave. In an unscheduled press conference, Sharon unveiled an artist's rendering of the new park. He was joined by Walt Disney Company CEO Michael Eisner and none other than Mickey Mouse himself.
“Now that the settlers have been removed, we can reveal to you our real plans,” Sharon told reporters. “Gaza will be become ‘Disney Mid-East.’ Nothing can bring peace to our region better than Mickey Mouse,” he shouted. Turning to Eisner, Sharon said, “And this mensch will do for us what even the prophets were unable to do – establish a kingdom in the wasteland.”
Eisner said that Disney’s goal is to “make the Middle East the happiest place on earth.”
Reporters asked Sharon why the announcement was kept secret until the evacuation was complete. Sharon bristled, “Could Walt Disney have bought up half of central Florida so cheap if the land owners knew who was bankrolling the purchase? With that kind of business sense, I posthumously declare Walt an honorary Jew,” said Sharon. "That's the same thing Michael [Eisner] did here." Sharon refused to confirm rumors that Las Vegas casino tycoon Steve Wynn is planning a mega-casino on the West Bank to be called "Wynn Holy Land."Some settlers were stunned by the announcement and say they believe that Gaza is part of the traditional Jewish homeland. Murray Schwartz, a farmer who moved from Orlando Florida to Gaza thirty years ago complained, “Again with the Mickey Mouse! That mouse drove me out of Florida, and now I’m forced to wander again!” Other Israelis are concerned about the content of the new theme park. “I hear there will be a ride with a thousand little Arafat dolls singing, ‘It’s a smaller Israel after all,” said Minnie Pearlman as she noshed on a plate of holishke. Her husband Irving Mendelbaum also was worried because he had heard "they're going to have a ride designed to terrify people called 'Mohels of the Caribbean.' Feh! I liked the peace better when we were at war!"Eisner said that to show "solidarity with the Jewish people," Mickey Mouse will be circumcised as part of the grand opening festivities. “One slip of the knife,” the famous rodent quipped, “and I’ll be a falsetto.”
BREAKING NEWS BAGHDAD - Saddam Hussein has fired his entire legal team because of "incompetence" and has hired Michael Jackson's attorney Tom Mesereau to represent him."Saddam kept asking for 'Johnny,' meaning [O.J. Simpson counsel] Johnny Cochran, but I explained to him that Mr. Cochran is deceased," said Hussein's daughter, Velveeta Hussein-Lugosi. The next best thing was Mesereau, she said. Mesereau immediately scurried to the Los Angeles airport to travel to Baghdad, and briefly spoke with reporters before boarding his flight. "I don't know much about the case yet but I've told Mr. Hussein that he should have no further contact with teenage boys because, although he is innocent, these relationships are often misconstrued." Traveling with Mesereau was Darius Figgins, the man who held the umbrella over Michael Jackson's head every day of Jackson's trial as Jackson entered the courthouse. Mesereau explained that Figgins will perform the same duties for Hussein.Hussein had no comment about changing lawyers except to say, "I'm bad, I'm bad."
NEVE DEKALIM, GAZA STRIP - As they departed the Gaza Strip yesterday in the evacuation ordered by the Israeli government, a milkman named Tevye and his wife Golde reported seeing a mysterious violin player atop a roof. No further details were available.
PETROPAVLOVSKY-KAMCHATSKY, Russia - A dramatic rescue mission ended with a startling twist Sunday morning. A British naval vessel brought to the surface a disabled Russian submarine ensnared in a fishing net at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean for three days. Racing against time to save the seven member crew before their dwindling oxygen supply was exhausted, the rescuers opened the hatch to find all seven alive and in relatively good health. But the rescue team was shocked also to find on board a previously unaccounted for passenger determined to be Natalee Holloway, the Alabama teenager whose disappearance in Aruba on May 30 sparked an international manhunt. Neither the sub's commander, Lt. Vyacheslav Milashevsky, nor any of the crew could explain how Ms. Holloway found her way onto the sub.
B'WAY DIRECTOR: I SAW DARIUS HOLDING THE UMBRELLA AND SHOUTED, "THAT'S MY MARY POPPINS!"; JULIE ANDREWS NOT AMUSED
LOS ANGELES - At Michael Jackson's molestation trial that ended in acquittal last month, his entourage created nearly as much a stir as the "King of Pop." Every day when Jackson crept toward the courthouse, he was flanked by body guards, make up artists, assorted aids and Darius Figgins.
Even if you don't know who Figgins is, you know what he did. Figgins, a 31 year-old former limo driver from Liverpool, is the tall man who held the giant umbrella over Jackson's head, despite the fact it never rained.
Now Broadway is looking to cash in on Figgins' fame. He's been tapped to star as the most famous umbrella wielder of them all when he heads an all-male cast next month in a nude revival of "Mary Poppins."
Figgins has no acting experience, but Broadway director John Rando ("Urinetown") loved the way Figgins worked the umbrella. "I was watching Michael walk into court one day," Rando said, "and I let out an instinctive gasp when I saw Darius. 'That's my Mary Poppins!'"
But the original Mary Poppins from Disney's 1964 classic movie, Julie Andrews, isn't keen an an all-male version. "In my mind, it's not 'Mary Poppins.' It's some gay show that has no right to be on broadway where families can see it."
Figgins rejects the criticism that the show is not wholesome entertainment. "John [Rando] tells me there's not going to be any nudity at all while the child actors are on stage," he said. "As soon as they come on, I'm to lower my massive umbrella so that it covers the ah -- unmentionable parts."
ATLANTA – The last time Jennifer Wilbanks took to the road, she made it more than halfway across America, from Atlanta to Las Vegas, before anyone even knew she was missing.
“I was running from myself,” she cryptically told authorities when she reappeared in Atlanta five days after she had skipped out on her bridegroom-to-be. She insisted that that the wedding was not cancelled, only postponed, and she and her fiance kept all the wedding gifts.
“She especially liked the lawnmower,” said her father, Jason “Will” Wilbanks.
Last Sunday, Wilbanks was on the loose again, but this time she didn’t get very far. “She’d been gone 13 hours, and I assumed she’d made it to Mexico,” said her father. “But then Ted Turner called me and said, ‘Will, I got good news. I spotted Jennifer. She’s walkin’ down by the Coca-Cola building with that lawnmower.'”
Mr. Wilbanks chuckled. “It was just a matter of time before we nabbed her because that damn mower had to run out of gas sometime.”
On the thirty-first anniversary of President Nixon's resignation, we take time to examine the man who brought him down:
EDITORIAL - Traitorous FBI agent W. Mark Felt slithered out from the excrement of prevarication that encrusts his wretched being this summer and revealed that he was the "Deep Throat" of Watergate.
It should surprise no one that the liberal elite, who for 31 years have tried to dupe us into thinking that the Watergate cover-up and rampant criminality of the Nixon administration were somehow "wrong," is staunchly opposed to criminal charges being brought against this turncoat.
But no less a moral authority than G. Gordon Liddy declared Felt guilty of violating the ethics of the law enforcement profession when he fed information to Bob Woodward that helped topple the Nixon administration. It is, of course, completely beside the point that Felt was only forced to sneak around parking garages with Woodward because of the criminal actions of Liddy and his cronies, not to mention the President of the United States.
Another impeccable source, Watergate criminal "Chuck" Colson, condemned Felt because he "could have stopped Watergate." Exactly right! It is about time we put the blame for Watergate squarely where it belongs -- on Mark Felt!
This is what you get when you have a free press with nothing better to do than to snoop around for government abuses - a whistle-blowing Judas Iscariot like Mark Felt. The Fuhrer's denunciation of the conspirators who tried to murder him in 1944 applies with equal force to Felt and his liberal sympathizers: "I'm glad the Schweinehunde have unmasked themselves."
Glad, indeed!
NEW YORK - This news source does not "plug" specific television networks, but I heartily recommend the educational show that airs tonight at 8 p.m. EST about a Kansas tornado that tosses a house in the air while a little girl lies unconscious inside. Then it lands atop a wicked witch whose shoes shrivel up as she dies, and the scene shifts from black and white to color. A most original and informative program.
NEW YORK - Atkins Nutritionals Inc., the diet company, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy on Sunday, two years after its founder, Dr. Robert Atkins (left) died, supposedly from injuries suffered in a fall.
In documents filed in connection with the bankruptcy, the tragic truth about Dr. Atkins is revealed. Atkins did not die in a fall. He died because he put too much faith in his own wacky diet theories and gorged himself to death on bacon. "Bob went from a trim 155 pound man at Christmas 2002 to a 614 pound monster at the time of his death" less than four months later, said rival dietician Jenny Craig. "The funeral director told me they couldn't mask the smell of bacon seeping from his skin. Bob was going to show us all how smart he was. Well, he showed us, alright."So massive had Atkins become, it required 14 pallbearers to haul his body to a specially rigged flatbed truck.Ms. Craig explained, "The bacon didn't kill him, it was the pride."
