BEVERLY HILLS - Last weekend, Demi Moore married Ashton Kutcher, 15 years her junior, at a Beverly Hills gathering hosted by Moore's ex-husband Bruce Willis. During the two-year May-September romance leading up to the big day, Willis often socialized with his ex and her boy-beau; so chummy have the three become that Willis reportedly assisted the inexperienced Kutcher in applying a condom on the wedding night. Willis read a newspaper in the hallway while the newlyweds consummated their vows. Guests say that the wedding reception ended early so that young Kutcher could get plenty of rest for a science test, first period the next day. "Mrs. Palsgraf's class," explained Master Kutcher. "And you know what a bitch she can be!" After school, Willis picked up both Kutcher and his own 17 year-old daughter, Scout, from Beverly Hills High and drove them to the orthodontist where they had back-to-back appointments. At dinner, Willis quizzed Kutcher and Scout on their homework assignments before herding the family into his SUV for a round of miniature golf and ice cream. Willis says he enjoys "working with children," as evidenced by his groundbreaking performance with Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. In fact, before Demi Moore met Kutcher, Willis tried unsuccessfully to hook her up with Osment, but Osment's little league schedule kept interfering.
BREAKING NEWS
FORT HOOD, Texas - A military jury today convicted Army Pfc. Lynndie England on six counts of maltreating detainees at Baghdad's Abu Ghraib prison. The lead juror, Col. Tom Parker of Kentucky, told reporters that England hurt her case by bringing to the courtroom her pet, whom she referred to as Pepe, pictured above. "I warned Private England to chain that animal up outside. By bringing her pet into our tribunal, she evinced a wholesale disrepect for the judicial process," said Col.Parker. Private England will be sentenced next month.
CANDIDATE BOB HAAS SCREAMS "THEY MADE IT LOOK LIKE MY NAME IS BOB H. ASS" IN CHEST PAINT SCHEME GONE AWRY BRENTWOOD, Pa - When Brentwood Zoning Board candidate Bob Haas lost his bid for a seat on the Board four years ago, he learned that his cigar-chomping, "good-old-boy" image didn't fare well with female voters. He wasn't about to let that happen again this election, so to curry favor with the ladies, Haas hired seven buff college guys to attend the Steeler-Jaquar game last Sunday with his name painted on their chests. "It was just my little way of thanking the ladies in advance for their votes," said Haas, as he puffed on his cigar.
The only problem was that the students misspelled "Haas," changing the second "a" to an "s". University of Pittsburgh Junior Adam Kidd was suposed to be the second "a" but admits he'd been out drinking the night before and carelessly scrawled an "s" where the "a" was supposed to be.Haas spied the guys from his private box and angrily ran over to pull Kidd aside. "What in hell are you supposed to be with that "S" on your chest -- Superman? People think my name is 'Bob H. Ass!' You miserable, lousy punk, you've ruined me," Haas screamed as he splattered scalding hot chocolate on Kidd's chest to wash away the "S." But the "S" stayed where it was, and the steaming liquid left a burn mark instead. The guys decided to get even with Haas, so after the game they positioned themselves outside Heinz Field's Gate "A" and dropped their pants as the fans exited. "It looked like 'Bob H. Ass' was promoting promiscuity," chuckled Steeler Coach Bill Cowher. But Haas didn't think it was funny, so he filed suit against the guys for breach of contract and for bringing disrepute upon his candidacy. For his part, Adam Kidd is suing Haas for personal injuries in connection with the burns to his chest. Kidd's complaint alleges: "Like, I'll never be able to grow chest hair, dude."Helen Palsgraf, 78, a longtime Steeler fan attending the game with her newlywed 27 year-old husband Ashton Kutcher, said she'd never heard of either Bob Haas or Bob Hass, "but after seeing those hunks at Gate 'A,' 'Bob H. Ass' is now the hottest name in the English language."
BILL COSBY: "JESSE JACKSON NEEDS 'HOOKED ON PHONICS.' SO WHITE PEOPLE, LIKE ME, CAN UNDERSTAND HIM."WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an emotional speech before the National Congress of Black Women, the Reverend Jesse Jackson excoriated "gangsta rap" and a host of other "negative influences" on urban youth, but spent most of his time denouncing "the inner city's most serious problem" -- black-on-black horn honking. "When our brothers toot-toot-toot, rat-a-tat-tat their horns at one another with minimal provocation, it is tantamount to using the 'n' word," Jackson said. Young black males are "wrongly taught that keeping their hands off the horn is 'acting white,'" he said. Comedian Bill Cosby, the next speaker, said that he believes the biggest problem in the inner city is Jackson's accent. "I can't understand half of what he says," Cosby said. "The only thing I could make out was 'toot-toot-toot.' The man ought to stop flying around the country, getting his face all over the TV, and use some of the money he'd save to buy himself 'Hooked on Phonics' so that white folks, like me, can understand him."
SENATOR KENNEDY TO APPEAL EJECTION TO PLAYERS' UNIONWASHINGTON - It was opening day at the Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearing of Supreme Court nominee John Roberts yesterday, and Judge Roberts stunned committee members by strolling into the Capitol in the full regalia of a major league umpire, mirroring his view of what a judge is supposed to be. "Umpires don't make the rules, they apply them," Roberts declared matter-of-factly in his opening statement. He cautioned the committee that he has "a high strike zone," and then asked Senators Specter and Kennedy, the ranking Republican and Democrat on the committee, for their "line-up cards." The Senators exchanged confused looks, but Roberts broke the silence by shouting, "Play ball" to start the questioning.Kennedy, the husky veteran from Massachussetts, was first up, and with each question he lobbed, Judge Roberts crouched down as if calling balls and strikes. Kennedy pressed Roberts for his views on abortion, and when Roberts refused to answer, Senator Joseph Biden, D-Del., jumped from his seat and ran toward Roberts, kicking dirt on Roberts' shoes and angrily shouting at him. Roberts turned from Biden and slowly walked away, but when Biden persisted, Roberts spun around and pointed to him, issuing a stern warning. Arlen Specter, R-Pa, ran in to hold back a furious Biden, and the Senate table emptied as a melee erupted. In the end, Judge Roberts ejected Biden and Kennedy for unsportsmanlike conduct. Kennedy said he will appeal his ejection to "the court of last resort - the most powerful arbiter of right and wrong in America," the Major League Baseball players union.
"HOT DAMN!" SAYS MAYOR. "FINALLY SOMETHING POSITIVE COMES OUT OF THE FLOOD."NEW ORLEANS - As the waters receded in New Orleans, Mayor Bradleys Roadhouse found a 34 mm Oyster Professional Air-King Rolex watch on Canal Street today. "Hot damn," said the Mayor, as he quickly etched away the name of the owner on the back and slipped it on his wrist. "A perfect fit." Since the Mayor evacuated the city yesterday he has been patrolling the streets alone. "I found part of a coin collection yesterday, and two perfectly good picture frames," he explained as he surveyed the trunk of his car filled with a hodgepodge of items. "I will keep the evacuation in force until I have patrolled all major city streets," he announced.
HEALTH PROBLEMS WORSE THAN LOVE CANAL(FOR THE CONGENITAL IDIOTS WHO CONTACTED STATE AGENCIES REGARDING THIS STORY, THIS IS A SPOOF.)
HERSHEY, Pa - Driving along 322 West, the first unmistakable waft of chocolate hits motorists without warning seconds after they've left behind the harsh diesel smells of the nation's first superhighway, the Pennsylvania Turnpike. For families on limited budgets, it is a summer ritual to take the twelve mile ride on this winding central Pennsylvania road toward "the sweetest place on earth," the world-famous Hershey's chocolate factory. With windows rolled down and children's heads bobbing ecstatically in and out, parents savor every delectable aromatic moment. To the average passing visitor, this is heaven on earth.
But the people who actually reside in Hershey, or as they put it, are "trapped" there, tell a very different story. For generations of Hershey residents, there has been a code of silence about Hershey's "dirty little secret," rarely shared with strangers -- which means anyone who lives five miles away beyond Route 72 -- for fear that the chocolate factory, the town's lifeblood, would dry up if it ever got out. But this week, a Surgeon General's report will be released that point blank tells everyone in Hershey to get out, while they still can.
The Surgeon General's report concludes that the incessant exposure to toxic levels of chocolate fumes send blood glucose levels soaring many times beyond even dangerous diabetic ranges. By age 40, the average resident's pancreas has quadrupled its normal size in a desperate but futile attempt to compensate. Chromosomes are permanently skewed. Tales of two-headed babies "with skulls shaped like peanut butter cups" abound -- "paper wrapper and all." One African-American boy, claims resident Bradleys Roadhouse, "looked exactly like a 'Kit Kat' Bar. His sister's head came to a point like a 'Kiss'." As one resident put it, Hershey makes Love Canal "seem like a health resort."
Helen Palsgraf has owned a local store next to the chocolate factory for 48 years called The Palsgraf Carbon Paper/Slide Rule/Betamax Outlet. The store has been struggling the past few years, but Mrs. Palsgraf, with eight fingers on her right hand and three on her left, was one of the few residents not afraid to speak up. "I go home at night and I can't get the smell of York Peppermint Patties out of my clothes," she says. "That hideous odor has seeped into my soul," she said as she grabbed two baseballs in her right hand and simultaneously tossed them to her son, high school senior Emil. Emil has blurred vision and has seen his genitalia shrivel up due to exposure to the fumes. "In the lockerroom, the guys call me 'Twizzler' for obvious reasons," he sighs. For others, like farmer Bennett Boushay, the chocolate exposure has caused a gender identity crisis. Boushay is openly referred to as the "Jolly Rancher," a mean-spirited play on the name of Hershey's popular candy.But Hershey's current CEO, Velveeta Hershey-Lugosi, scoffs at what she calls the "urban legends" that link serious health risks to her company's chocolate. "Look at what chocolate has done for me," she says unbuttoning her blouse. "Look at my 'Mounds'! That's right -- I'm not ashamed of it, they're made of 'Mounds' bars. Go ahead and take a bite," she laughs. "How's that for an 'Ice Breaker'?" When confronted with the Surgeon General's report, Ms. Hershey-Lugosi categorically denied any cover-up regarding Hershey's supposed health risks. "So I'm the bad guy because this 'Twizzler' boy is not well-endowed?" She became increasingly agitated as each allegation was read aloud. "There's nothing wrong with being a 'Jolly Rancher,'" she said in a raised voice. "Why, 'Jolly Rancher' has bold fruit flavors, and it stays hard, very hard, I tell you!" Overheated, she frantically fanned herself and began biting at her fingers until "crack," "crack," "crack," like the sound of someone biting the ears off a chocolate rabbit. I noticed that Ms. Hershey-Lugosi was missing three fingers. More damning allegations were read, and she fanned herself with greater rapidity. Then, "plop," "plop." It seems her breasts really were made of "Mounds," but now they were lying on the floor. "So what if the girl's head came to a point like a 'Kiss'? She's lucky I don't sue her for trademark infringement," she said. Suddenly, Ms. Hershey-Lugosi seemed to be shrinking in her chair. The sickening smell of chocolate was overwhelming. "Excuse me," she murmered, "I have a case of diarrhea." Down she went, further and further. Finally there was nothing left but a puddle of Hershey's syrup on the CEO's chair. The windows of my Toyota Tercel were shut as tight as the Japanese automaker allowed as I raced out on 322 East at more than double the speed limit. And when I finally reached the Turnpike, I opened the windows to the glorious odor of diesel fumes which, at that moment, happened to be the sweetest smell on earth.
CRESTFALLEN BUSH AGREES TO DROP NORTH KOREA FROM AXIS OF EVIL -- "JUST GIVE ME BACK THE STAR," HE PLEADSPYONGYANG - North Korean President Kim Jong, II ratcheted up the hostilities between North Korea and the United States today by announcing that his country has added the famous Texaco star to its flag. The move was seen as retaliation against President Bush for refusing to remove North Korea from his so-called "axis of evil."The Texaco star fits so nicely into the former blank white circle on the Korean flag that "it seems as though it had always been there," said President Jong.Bush, former Governor of Texas, bristled at the news. "North Korea with nuclear weapons, that's bad enough. But this is the worst," said the President. "Tell Jong he's no longer part of the 'axis' -- I don't care if he keeps the weapons, just give me back the star."
