"LEAP SECOND" ADDED RETROACTIVE TO OCTOBER 15 TO GIVE PENN STATE ANOTHER CHANCE TO BEAT MICHIGAN

WASHINGTON - Scientists have added an extra second to atomic clocks around the world, a tweak intended to make up for changes in the earth's rotation. The extra second was slated to be tacked on to December 31 but Penn State alumni have convinced the international time community to add the second retroactive to last October 15 at 6 p.m. to give the Nittany Lions one additional play in their bid to beat Michigan. Penn State was trailing 27-25 when the the game ended with Penn State in possession at Michigan's 48 yard line. Adding the extra second throws the NCAA standings in disarray pending the completion of the game.

IRAQI VOTERS APPROVE REFERENDUM TO BUILD ARENA, LEMIEUX SAYS PENS WILL MOVE TO BAGHDAD

BAGHDAD - Over ten million Iraqi voters went to the polls yesterday and overwhelmingly approved a referendum to use tax dollars to build a new multi-purpose arena in downtown Baghdad. The complicated plan was crafted by a group of Shiite, Sunni and Kurdish leaders, along with NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, and would impose a one percent tax on the sale of all bullets and plastic explosives in the Greater Baghdad area.

Penguins owner Mario Lemieux immediately announced that the Penguins would be moving to Baghdad "about twenty minutes after construction of the new facility is completed." Lemieux said he was excited about bringing hockey to Iraq, adding that "the senseless violence in our sport makes it a natural for the Middle East."

When reporters asked if he would be keeping the name "Penguins," Lemieux smiled. "I don't know. The one I liked, but that the marketing people ruled out, is 'The Saddamites.'"

American Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad said voter approval of the new arena signals that the average Iraqi is embracing the American model of urban redevelopment. "This is going to do wonders for downtown Baghdad night-life," he said. "Believe me, after five o'clock, this place is dead. You could shoot a cannon down main street and not hit anybody." Khalilzad's remarks were cut short, however, when someone decided to shoot a cannon down main street.

PENTHOUSE TEAMS WITH STODGY READER'S DIGEST TO CREATE LARGE PRINT EDITION

HOLLYWOOD - Reader's Digest, the Lawrence Welk of journalism, gave its old-maid image a hyper-shot of adreneline today by teaming with Penthouse Magazine, that venerable men's entertainment publication, to create a large print, easy-to-read magazine. "All the features so beloved in both magazines will be here, except they'll be larger," said Bradleys Roadhouse, Editor of the new joint venture. "For instance, 'Laughter, the Best Medicine,' 'Humor in Uniform,' the breasts -- you name it."

"We thought that the men's publication industry had forgotten all about us old timers," lamented 86-year-old Sean Cannon. "Everything's so small, it's impossible for us old timers to ahh -- read the biographies of the girls." So Reader's Digest/Penthouse to the rescue. "This," said Cannon, holding the new magazine, "literally saved my life."

How has the audience of historically staid Reader's Digest reacted to this merger? Bradleys Roadhouse noted that there haven't been any boycotts yet. "Most of RD's audience consists of older females who've never heard of Penthouse, so it will be a little while before they catch on to what we've done," he chuckled. "But when those old gals get the new magazine home and remove the brown wrapper, they're going to have a heart attack."

SADDAM TRIAL TO BE CONSOLIDATED WITH CHARLES MANSON PAROLE HEARING

THE TWO WORLD-CLASS NUT CASES TO HAVE THEIR DAY IN COURT IN ONE WHACKED-OUT PROCEEDING

Links for related stories:

Mr. Blackwell names Abu Ghraib prisoner worst dressed man of the year

Judge Wapner brought in to speed Saddam trial to conclusion, promises verdict within 15 minutes, right after commercial

This news source apologizes for urban myth it started that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction

Saddam pleads guilty in exchange for community service, to lecture high school kids: "Don't be a dictator like me"

PRESIDENT BUSH SENDS KATHERINE "HANGING CHAD" HARRIS TO BAGHDAD TO "COUNT" THE VOTES

PRESIDENT BUSH SAYS THAT "WITH KATHERINE OVER THERE," THE BUSH-BACKED CANDIDATE ABDUL-AZIZ AL-HAKIM "ABSOLUTELY" WILL WIN IRAQ ELECTION

BAGHDAD - Katherine Harris, the controversial former Florida Secretary of State who spearheaded the 2000 Presidential election "recount" that put George Bush in the White House, is being sent to Baghdad to "count" the votes for the election in Iraq.

"With Katherine over there counting the votes fairly, this election is over," the President smirked as he expressed confidence that Abdul-Aziz al-Hakim will win the popular vote.

Ms. Harris missed her flight to Baghdad because of the delay caused when she accidentally brought too many carry-on bags to the airport. "I don't know who that woman is but she brought five bags too many," said American Airlines porter Sean Cannon. "She must not know how to count."

See related story on Ms. Harris: http://carbolicsmokeblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/architect-of-florida-recount-that-made.html

BRUNO SAMMARTINO NABS ROBBER, PINS HIM FOR "THREE COUNT," THEN INSTINCTIVELY LETS HIM GO

PITTSBURGH - Professional wrestling legend and Pittsburgh native Bruno Sammartino and his friend, former wrestling referee Izzy Moidel, witnessed a robbery this morning near the Orange Julius at Ross Park Mall when 23-year-old Terrence Flowers of Mount Lebanon pulled a gun on mall patron Lucy V. Zehmer.

Sammartino brought his wrestling skills to bear and quickly subdued Flowers.

"First, I put him in a head-lock," Sammartino explained. "Then, I took him down."

Within seconds, Sammartino had both of Flowers' shoulders pinned to the ground and Moidel immediately starting counting. "One, two, three" while slapping the floor. Then Moidel imitated the sound of a bell, "ding, ding, ding," and Sammartino instinctively released Flowers. Moidel held Sammartino's arm in the air to signify him as "the winner." Numerous witnesses to the encounter quickly swarmed Sammartino to congratulate him and obtain his autograph.

"I haven't seen that move since Bruno beat Gorilla Monsoon at the [Madison Square] Garden in '67," beamed Moidel.

But as soon as Sammartino released Flowers, Flowers dashed down the escalator and ran through Macy's department store out the door to the parking lot where he jumped in a car and sped off. Neither Sammartino nor anyone in the crowd of well-wishers noticed.

Police arrived on the scene to question Sammartino and Moidel, and they asked how Flowers had escaped. An indignant Moidel told them that "in 42 years, Bruno never held a man in a pinfall past the three count. Bruno is the greatest champion of them all and would never engage in such unsportsmanlike conduct."

The 69-year-old Sammartino used the incident to lend legitimacy to wrestling. "For all those people who say wrestling is a fraud, well, I like to say it's a pre-determined exhibition. And I guess we showed all those naysayers today," he said.

Two hours later, Flowers robbed a convenience store on Seventh Avenue downtown at gunpoint and is still at large.

See related story: Criminals on the loose always are "at large" -- that is, the town of Large, Pennsylvania

TERRORIST GROUP CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR RESCUING PREGNANT WOMEN FROM BURNING BUILDING

ANONYMOUS JIHAD CALLER COULDN'T READ HANDWRITING, MEANT TO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR "TAKING" NOT "SAVING" LIVES

LONDON - An anonymous caller for the terrorist group Islamic Jihad telephoned the Reuters News Agency in London today claiming responsibility for the heroic rescue of a pregnant woman from the roof of a burning building in Des Moines, Iowa, USA. The woman, forty-one year old Anne Donovan, was taken to Des Moines General Hospital where she remains in stable condition.

"This is to let the world know what we are capable of doing," the statement said. "Saving the life of an innocent woman is only the beginning. We will start by saving the lives of your women, and we will end by saving the lives of your children, praise be to God!"

Shortly after CNN broadcast the Reuters report, an anonymous caller from Islamic Jihad called Reuters and issued a retraction. "Earlier today, Islamic Jihad professed responsibility for saving the life of an American woman. Due to an error on our copy desk, an Islamic Jihad trainee confused the word 'saving' for 'taking.' Islamic Jihad regrets the error. The trainee's head will be delivered to his family in the morning."

Officials at Islamic Jihad could not be reached for comment.

TAPE SHOWS AL-ZARQAWI ENTERTAINING INSURGENTS

Al-Qaeda Leader Boosts Morale By Cracking Wise, Juggling

BAGHDAD - The Al-Jazeera network broadcast a videotape this afternoon showing Al-Qaeda-in-Mesopotamia leader Abu Musab Zarqawi hosting what the CIA is describing as a variety-style show for hundreds of black-hooded followers. Zarqawi appears on camera wearing a flowered shirt and a fishing cap,holding a golf club in one hand and a sword in the other. He introduces himself as "Abu for Texaco Al-Zarqawi," and proceeds to deliver a monologue filled with zingers aimed at President Bush.

"And how about that infidel in the White House, isn't he wild?" Al-Zarqawi says in his monologue. "I sent him a new Titleist suicide golf ball for Christmas. You don't need a club to get it to the green -- it drives itself. And get this, it even pulls the pin when it gets there!"

After the monologue Zarqawi is seen spinning plates and juggling hand grenades. Towards the end of the tape he invites his wife Dolores on stage with him to sing a few duets, most notably, "The Sheik of Araby" and "Mr. Sandman." He concludes the show by thanking the insurgents for all that they're doing to drive the Crusaders from their land, assuring them that all of the folks currently hiding in caves, running from coalition forces or buried in sleeper cells around the world appreciate their contributions to global jihad. He then brings a figure clad from head to toe - possibly a woman - in a billowing black chador out from behind the curtain. "I just want you fellows to see what you've been fighting for!" he says, taking her hand and leading her around the stage. "Isn't she something? Believe me, those three-quarter inch eye slits leave everything to the imagination!" As wolf-whistles from the crowd ring out, Zarqawi says good night, promising he'll see them all in paradise.

Zarqawi was last seen on the road to Morocco.

SOUTHWEST PILOT IN MIDWAY CRASH IS PEEVED AT HIS PASSENGERS FOR "ACTING ALL UPSET" ABOUT LANDING

"UP UNTIL THE CRASH, THE FLIGHT WAS A LOAD OF LAUGHS," SAYS PILOT

CITY PREPARES BRIDGES FOR JUMPERS AFTER ANTICIPATED STEELER LOSS

PITTSBURGH - Lame duck Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy issued a statement today in anticipation of Sunday's expected Steeler loss to the Chicago Bears at Heinz Field assuring fans wishing to take their own lives that all downtown bridges will remain open for jumpers until ten p.m. Sunday evening. Bridges will reopen for jumping at six a.m. Monday morning. A Steeler loss almost certainly would prevent the team from earning a playoff berth, creating widespread civic anxiety, depression and, in many cases, an inability to live.

After posting a 15-1 record last year and coming within a game of the Super Bowl, expectations were high for this season. Mayor Murphy acknowledged the sense of disappointment and is requesting all would-be jumpers to "be respectful of the rights of other jumpers" and wait their turn in line at any of the city's conveniently located spans. Jumpers are asked to sign in and wait until their name is called before proceeding to the spot on the bridge where they would like to end their lives. They will also be asked to write the name and telephone number of a contact person -- with a Steeler yellow-and-black permanent marker -- on their left forearm before entering the water. At the Mayor's request, a copy of his proclamation regarding the applicable procedures is reprinted here in its entirety, and diehard Steeler fans are encouraged to cut it out and tape it to their refrigerators.

Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato quickly issued a press release of his own offering the services of the fledgling County Water Taxi fleet as a quick and efficient means to achieve the same end. "You don't get the flying sensation that comes with a leap from the top of a bridge," Onorato explained, "but you still get a high-quality drowning."

As in previous years when the Steelers have not made the playoffs, the Allegheny County Bar Association will have volunteers ready to assist jumpers in preparing wills. Plans by the Mayor's office to retain the services of a clergy of various denominations to discuss alternatives to suicide were scuttled when the American Civil Liberties Union threatened legal action.

PITTSBURGH HONORS ITS MOST GENEROUS BENEFACTOR, ANDREW CARNEGIE, BY STICKING HIS IMAGE ABOVE HOT DOG SHOP IN CURLERS, NEXT TO GAY SOUP CAN ARTIST

FOX ANNOUNCES NEXT LEVEL OF REALITY TV: ACTORS WILL BE HIRED, GIVEN SCRIPTS TO ACT IN WEEKLY DRAMA

HOLLYWOOD - Fox's latest foray into "reality" television will bring together seven actors, arm them with scripts that have discernible plots, realistic looking sets, make-up, background music and "first-class editing," in order to have them stage a weekly "drama" to be called Forensic Pathologist. "There's never been a reality show like it," Moebler said.

FOX TV President Ken Moebler explained: "We thought to ourselves, 'What's wrong with reality TV?' The answer is obvious. It's a bunch of young people, whose minds are not sufficiently mature to express a meaningful thought, standing around half-naked spewing out their unscripted blather. That's what's wrong with it."

Reporters expressed puzzlement as to how Forensic Pathologist would differ from the thousands of scripted dramatic series that television has broadcast since its inception. Moebler quickly changed the subject to annnounce that The Simpsons will be given a second timeslot in addition to their Sunday night show in order to do -- you guessed it -- an unscripted reality show. "There's never been a reality show like it," Moebler said.

FIRST “FACE TRANSPLANT” PATIENT SLIPS OUT OF HOSPITAL WITHOUT PAYING BILL -- BECAUSE NO ONE RECOGNIZED HER

LYON, France - Seven days after groundbreaking surgery that gave an the unidentified 38-year-old woman the world's first partial "face transplant" at a northern France hospital, the patient quietly removed her bandages this morning, then she dressed and nonchalantly walked past receptionists, security guards and her own medical staff and strode out the front door without paying her bill.

Receptionist Velveeta Lugosi-Mendelbaum was one of the bystanders who did not recognize her. "I know what she looked like when she checked into the hospital -- she had sort of a blank look on her face, but maybe that was because she didn't have any nose or lips."

The Hospital intends to pursue her. "She owes us a lot of money, and I won't rest until I track her down," said chief surgeon Dr. Bernard Devauchelle. "I only wish I could remember what she looks like." Dr. Devauchelle explained that no one had the foresight to photograph her new face.

There is a one-in-five chance that the woman's new face "won't take," Dr. Devauchelle said. "If her body rejects the new face, she'll be very easy to find," he said. "Just look for the deadbeat with the nose dangling off her chin."

Short of that, however, Dr. Devauchelle said that finding her will be almost impossible. "Unfortunately, she'll just be another face in the crowd."

VATICAN CORRECTS NEWS LEAK: BLUE RIBBON PANEL NOT EXAMINING LIMBO, THE PLACE FOR UNBAPTIZED BABIES, BUT THE LIMBO DANCE

VATICAN CITY - The Vatican today corrected false news leaks that said it appointed a commission of top theologians to reexamine the concept that unbaptized babies are sent to limbo, not heaven, when they die. No such study is in the works, the Vatican said.

Rather, a Vatican spokesman explained that a commission was empaneled to study the merits of the limbo dance, where participants lean backwards and, moving to a Caribbean rhythm, dance under a horizontal stick that is lowered with each pass.

The commission was prompted by the comments last year of then-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger prior to being elected Pope in which he expressed misgivings about the dance's "nearly impossible gyrations, which are premised on the tiresome stunt of slinking ever lower and set to the annoying tom-tom of voodoo-like music." Then-Cardinal Ratzinger believed that Catholics the world over could save millions of dollars on chiropractic fees, "a portion of which would find its way into the collection basket," if the limbo were banned.

A Vatican official said that although no study is underway to examine the Church's teaching that unbaptized infants who die are sent to limbo and not heaven, "that [teaching] sure doesn't sound right, does it?" the official said. "Maybe we ought to look into that, after we issue our report on this dance."