WOMAN WHO WAS "BABY JESSICA," THE GIRL TRAPPED IN WELL 18 YEARS AGO, IS MARRIED; INSISTS CEREMONY BE CONDUCTED IN INFAMOUS WELL

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF: CRANE BREAKS, BRIDE STRANDED. RESCUERS PULL BODY TO SURFACE BUT GROOM CRIES, "THAT'S NOT HER."

MIDLAND, TEXAS - On October 16, 1987, 18-month old Jessica McClure was dramatically rescued from the abandoned water well in which she had fallen and was trapped for 58 hours, bringing to a joyous conclusion an incident that had gripped the nation. Now 18 years later, still blond and blue-eyed, Jessica is grown up, and last weekend she was married to 32 year-old Daniel Morales.

Morales wanted the ceremony to be held in the local church, but there was was only one place that Jessica would consent to be married. Morales agreed, and on Saturday at 4 p.m., the bride, the groom and the local minister were lowered by crane into the now-infamous abandoned well where Jessica had been trapped 18 years earlier, and minutes later she became Mrs. Daniel Morales.

After the brief ceremony, Jessica asked if she could linger alone for a just a moment "in this holy place," as she put it, so the minister and the groom were raised to the surface. A short time later, when the crane went to pull Jessica out, it broke. Jessica's faint voice rose from the bottom of the well, "Oh, no! It's happened again!" After a frantic search, a new crane was located in Fort Worth and finally, after seven hours, a rescue crew tried to raise up the bride. When the young woman was brought to the surface, the groom looked at her and cried out, "That's not her!" Indeed, the woman brought to the surface was a slightly older redhead with brown eyes. The rescue crew and police are baffled by the switch and have no leads as to Jessica McClure's whereabouts. Morales, claiming his marriage to Ms. McClure was never consummated, has taken up with the redhead.

PITTSBURGH SPORTS TALK ICON, BETTIS-BASHER MARK MADDEN, SUFFERS HEART ATTACK

MADDEN HAS EPIPHANY: "''THE BUS' SPIRIT OVERCAME ME AND SPARED MY LIFE."

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh sports talk icon Mark Madden suffered a heart attack over the weekend and is in stable condition after undergoing what doctors described as a "medical procedure." Madden, who in recent weeks has taken to bashing beloved Steeler Jerome Bettis, was watching a video replay of the Bettis fumble in the Steelers' playoff victory over the Colts two weeks ago at the time he was stricken.

"I can't describe it," said Madden. "Suddenly a peace that surpasses all understanding overcame me, and I felt so very bad that 'the Bus' had fumbled -- I know I'm several weeks late in feeling that way. But I felt so bad, I had a heart attack. Jerome is such a wonderful player, and an even more wonderful person, isn't he?"

Bettis was recently beatified by Pope Benedict, signaling that he is just one step removed from Sainthood. "On my way to the hospital, I felt Jerome's big arms around me, comforting me," said Madden. "I knew then and there that I would survive -- because 'the Bus' wants me alive." Pittsburgh Catholic Diocese spokesman Father Ron Lengwin said that the Catholic Church likely would investigate Madden's survival to assess whether it qualifies as a legitimate miracle attributable to Bettis.

Related story: Bettis beatified by Pope

CELEBRITIES WREAK HAVOC IN DETROIT; LOCAL WOMAN ARRESTED FOR HELL-RAISING WITH PERRY COMO AND ABE LINCOLN

WOMAN AND NOTORIOUS "BAD BOYS" LOCKED UP FOR SINGING BAWDY STEELER FIGHT SONGS

PITTSBURGH - The celebrities have started to converge on Detroit for Super Bowl XL, but to many business leaders, that may not be a good thing. Detroit bon vivant Carol Murray was arrested this morning following numerous complaints that she was disturbing the peace by singing bawdy Pittsburgh Steeler fight songs with Perry Como and a man who appeared to be Abraham Lincoln in the Renaissance Center.

Corporate leaders fear that the hell-raising reflects badly on Detroit. "Carol Murray and Lincoln, I can understand," said General Motors President Sean Cannon. "But Perry Como? I am shocked!"

When Ms. Murray was being hand-cuffed, she told a reporter that she, Como and President Lincoln were "merely showing solidarity with 'the Bus' [Jerome Bettis]'" T
he three hell-raisers were taken to the County Jail and could be heard as far as Ford Field belting out:

"Oh! hot diggity, dog ziggity boom, whatcha do to me, it's so new to me, whatcha do to me. Hot diggity, dog ziggity boom, whatcha do to me, when you're holdin' me tight!"

HAMAS UPSETS FATAH IN PALESTINIAN ELECTION, WILL FACE ISRAEL FOR MIDEAST BRAGGING RIGHTS


IN ISRAEL, WIDESPREAD POPULAR SUPPORT TO BRING MYRON COPE BACK TO BROADCAST SHOWDOWN WITH HAMAS

AMALLAH - Hamas, the militant Islamic party sworn to the destruction of Israel, beat heavy favorite Fatah in the Palestinian legislative elections today, setting off wild celebrations in downtown Ramallah. Police estimate thousands of Hamas fans poured out of taverns where they were watching election returns and into the streets. Many fans wore the officially licensed Hamas gear of their favorite candidate, and jostled for position in front of al-Jazeera television crews in an effort to show the Arab world that their party was "Number One." Spontaneous chants of "Here we go Hamas, Here we go!" were interspersed with sporadic gunfire, creating a festive atmosphere unlike anything this town has seen in centuries.

Speaking to reporters after the polls closed, Ahmed Mubarak exulted in his party's victory. "None of you people in this room gave us a chance," he said. "The only people that believed in us were us. And we went out and got the job done today."

Eight weeks ago, many people had written off Hamas. "We haven't been getting the respect we deserve," said Mubarak. "But we believed in each other." Mubarak said he was going to give his party the next two days off before resuming preparations for the big showdown with Israel. "They are a formidable opponent," he said. "If we want to beat them, we can't make any mistakes and we're going to have to execute."

In Israel, a groundswell of popular support is trying to enlist Myron Cope to return to the broadcast booth one last time to call the big showdown with Hamas.

SUPER BOWL COUNTDOWN!

IN HONOR OF THE STEELERS' SUPER SEASON, WE LOOK BACK ON SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS PAST YEAR . . .

MAYOR PROPOSES RENAMING PITTSBURGH

PITTSBURGH TO BECOME "JEROME BETTIS, PENNSYLVANIA"

BIN LADEN TAPE VOWS FUTURE TERROR STRIKES, CONGRATULATES JEROME BETTIS AND THE STEELERS

ANALYSTS: BIN LADEN'S EXPRESSION OF HAPPINESS THAT "THE BUS IS FINALLY GOING HOME" TO DETROIT WAS A CODED MESSAGE FOR TERRORISTS TO COMMENCE MAYHEM

WASHINGTON - The al Jazeera network broadcast another taped message from Osama bin Laden today in which the al-Qaeda leader promised additional attacks on American soil and congratulated Pittsburgh Steeler running back Jerome Bettis on finally getting to the Super Bowl.

In a departure from previous videos which showed bin Laden standing in front of a wall of rock, this time he was shown sitting in a "La-Z-Boy" recliner in front of a roaring fire in a wood-paneled room. He was wearing a button-down sweater, and a bowling trophy sat on the mantle above the fireplace. Bin Laden assailed both U.S. government policy and the state of officiating in the National Football league. "America, as long as you continue this crusade against the Arab people you will never be safe. Going into Iraq was a horrible call, almost as bad as the call that took away that interception from Troy Polamolu in the Colts game," said Bin Laden. The tape then took a bizarre turn.

"At this time," bin Laden said, "I'd like to take a moment to say how happy I am that the Bus is finally going home. I repeat: The Bus is finally going home." Analysts fear that this was a coded message designed to set a terrorist plot in motion.

Bin Laden addressed a wide variety of other topics on the tape, including the decision of Iran to restart its nuclear program, the Golden Globe awards, and the new season of American Idol, leading officials to conclude that the tape was of recent vintage. The tape will be released on DVD this Tuesday.

PLANET XENON WILL NO LONGER RETAIN DR. CYRIL WECHT FOR ALIEN AUTOPSIES IN LIGHT OF INDICTMENT AGAINST HIM

WECHT CHARGED WITH USING COUNTY RESOURCES TO PERFORM ALIEN AUTOPSIES IN EXCHANGE FOR OFFICE SPACE ON DISTANT PLANET

PITTSBURGH - A spokes-alien for planet Xenon, the sixth planet in a dual-star solar system approximately 110 light years from earth, announced today that Xenon would no longer utilize the services of former Allegheny County Coroner and forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht, who had performed hundreds of alien autopsies for the planet over the past eleven years. Wecht was charged last week in an 84-count indictment with using County resources to perform the alien autopsies in exchange for massive amounts of personal office space on Xenon.

According to the indictment, Wecht acquired an intergalactic reputation as a pathologist "sympathetic to alien causes" following his appearance on a controversial 1995 television broadcast, Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction? After that, Xenon retained Wecht to perform thousands of alien authopsies. But Xenon is a poor mining planet that could not afford to pay Wecht in cash, according to the indictment, so Wecht cut a deal to accept the office space instead. It is not known whether Wecht has ever utilized the office space or even visited the distant planet. Investigators speculate that Wecht has leased some or all of the office space and has collected rental payments.

When asked about the indictment, Dr. Wecht angrily pointed a finger at a reporter. "I am unquestionably proficient at performing alien autopsies given that I have two medical degrees from the University of Xenon at Zimbawna and a law degree from its internet program. Exactly how many degrees do you have?" He spun around and stormed off, refusing to answer further questions.

TriFlugor-Rydny, Imperial Ruler of Xenon, did not immediately return calls for this story.

KDKA REPORTER FIGHTS HIS WAY OUT OF DENVER BAR WITH MICROPHONE, BROKEN BEER BOTTLE

DENVER - KDKA today revealed that reporter John Shumway was forced to fight his way out of a downtown Denver sports bar filled to capacity with furious Bronco fans after the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Broncos in Sundays AFC Championship Game.

Shumway was walking through the bar doing a live remote broadcast for KDKA when he approached a member of a Denver Motorcycle Club and asked him "how it felt to be rooting for a bunch of losers." The man immediately leaped from his stool and pulled a knife on Shumway, who broke a bottle against the bar and stuck it within an inch of his assailant's face. Eyewitnesses say that Shumway slowly backed out of the bar, promising to "cut to shreds any dumb sonofabitch fool enough to take me on." When he reached the exit, Shumway threw his camera man into the crowd and ran to his car and sped off. Shumway vows to set up a scholarship fund for the man's surviving children.

"I've been on some pretty tough assignments," said Shumway. "Last Fourth of July, my producer sent me to Baghdad dressed as Uncle Sam to interview average Iraqi citizens. He said he only wanted footage of me talking to people wearing black hoods. But this Denver trip was my toughest yet." Shumway plans to take some time off before heading into the Laurel Highlands for a special February sweeps report that Shumway promises to be his most exciting yet. "It's on what happens to hibernating bears when you poke them with a stick," he said.

IRAN RESUMES NUCLEAR TESTING, U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL ASKS DR. PHIL FOR HELP DEALING WITH IRANIAN PRESIDENT


NEW YORK - Hours after Mohammad Saeedi, Deputy Head of Iran's Atomic Energy Organization, announced that Iran was removing the seals from it's nuclear facilities, a frustrated U.N. Secretary General Koffi Annan made an emergency visit to tele-therapist Dr. Phil McGraw asking for help in developing a strategy for dealing with an incorrigible head-of-state.

"I don't know what to do with him, Dr. Phil," said Annan. "I ask him not to develop nuclear weapons, and he says he won't. Then he turns around and starts developing them."

Dr. Phil, known for his no-nonsense approach to parenting, relationships and statecraft, was blunt. "You're sending him mixed messages, Koffi! Developing nuclear weapons is selfish, destructive behavior, and he needs to know that you won't tolerate it." Dr. Phil added it was about time Annan let Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad know that he needed to "get real." Dr. Phil then excoriated Annan for being "a weak-willed head of a weak-willed world-organization." At one point, he bellowed, "You make me sick, Koffi!" Annan repeatedly nodded his head in agreement. On at least two occasions, he was seen dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. Despite his criticisms, at the conclusion of the show, Dr. Phil announced that he had agreed to perform an intervention on behalf of the U.N. in an attempt to get Iran to suspend its nuclear program. The intervention will air during the February sweeps.

MYSTERY OF BEETHOVEN'S DEATH SOLVED: LEAD POISONING, NOT INFECTED WIG POWDER, THE CULPRIT


"At last, I can close this case," says worlds oldest police inspector

Vienna - Two-hundred and five year old Vienna police inspector Franz Horst can finally retire from the force, secure in the knowledge that the great composer Ludwig Von Beethoven died by lead poisoning and was not, as some had feared over the past one-hundred and seventy eight years, the victim of foul play. "You know how we Germans are," chuckled Horst as he walked briskly across an ornate marble floor toward a storage room with a large manila folder containing the Beethoven file. "We just can't rest until the work is done." After initially resisting offers of outside assistance, Horst, the primary investigator assigned to open-cases over one-hundred and fifty years old, finally relented and sent several strands of the great composer's hair and skull fragments to the United States Energy Department's Argonne National Laboratory. "I just thought it was time to give the family some closure," said Horst. "They deserved to know how their loved one died." Once the hairs and fragments were focused under an x-ray beam, scientists accumulated overwhelming evidence to determine conclusively that Beethoven died of lead poisoning.

Horst said that for years "the boys upstairs" thought that a rival composer knocked him off. "My boss said he figured Shubert had his wig laced with smallpox when he sent it out for re-powdering. He said Shubert always had a _ _ _ _-on for the guy. Anyway, I didn't see it his way. See, when we got to the Beethoven house, he was upstairs in bed with a barrel full of pencils beside him. His 'immortal beloved' told me he loved to snack on them -- that he'd snacked on them for years. She said when he was writing his compositions, he would often sharpen the pencils on his teeth. And he used to drink his wine out of a lead cup. I found an entry in her journal after he died describing in great detail her exasperation because he refused to accede to her requests that he clean out that [expletive deleted] cup. See how that German stubbornness can get you into trouble? Hmm?"

Putting on his lederhosen and overcoat, Horst grew wistful as he took a last look across the squad room. "I remember the night I ran Maria Von Trapp and all seven of her kids in for singing nude in public without a license. The Captain was furious when he had to come down and bailed them all out," he chuckled. He closed the door and headed toward the Internal Affairs Department where he planned to fill out his retirement papers. "Now at least I know that I've earned this pension," he said.

Poll: Americans' No. 1 wish is that planets be "much more" visible in night sky. Peace in Iraq is no. 2

WASHINGTON - The number one wish of Americans, according to a Rollings Institute poll, is that the planets in the earth's solar system, especially Saturn, be "much more visible" in the night sky.

Jason Katt, 31, told a pollster that "we can do all this digital business and cure the common cold and so forth, so how is it that Saturn's rings are still off-limits to the little guy who can't afford a telescope?"

Americans' second most requested wish, according to the poll, is peace in Iraq. Their third is that someone will capture a major tornado on video "in a continuous and steady shot without cutaways or needless commentary."

The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus four percentage points, and the margin of error has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen percentage points.

PENNDOT SHIPS ORANGE BARRELS TO SAUDI ARABIA TO CURB FUTURE STAMPEDES

SIGNS TO BE MOUNTED: "SLOW DOWN -- MY FATHER STONES HERE"

MINA, SAUDI ARABIA - Only days after a tragic stampede that killed 363 people, Saudi Arabian Interior Spokesman Mansour al Mansour announced that the Saudi government has accepted a bid from the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation to improve the orderly flow of pilgrim traffic through the heavily-traveled Al-Jamarat corridor leading to three pillars that pilgrims stone to purge themselves of sin. "If there is anybody in the world that can slow people down, it's Penndot," said al Mansour. The Al-Jamarat corridor has long been known as "the death stretch" by the thousands of pilgrims who stampede through the area during Hajj rush hour. To accomplish the slow-down, PennDOT will place orange barrels in symmetrical positions on both sides of the corridor in order to "create the illusion that construction is occuring, like PennDot does in Pennsylvania," said al Mansour.

Penndot will also mount a number of signs throughout the corridor to increase safety awareness. One of the signs reads "Slow Down -- My Father Stones Here." Penndot officials said work on the Al-Jamarat Corridor project is scheduled to begin in 2020. Completion is scheduled for spring of 2035.

See related story: 363 KILLED IN STAMPEDE THAT BROKE OUT DURING ANNUAL STONING RITUAL; 512 KILLED IN STONING THAT BROKE OUT DURING ANNUAL STAMPEDE RITUAL

HOWARD STERN'S NETWORK TO REQUIRE HIM TO START EACH SHOW WITH NEW TESTAMENT READING

NEW YORK - Several weeks ago, Howard Stern bid farewell to terrestrial-based Viacom radio and moved his daily raunch-fest to satellite-based Sirius so that he could air his potty-mouth brand of humor without fear of censors' reprisals.

But today, without explanation, Sirius announced that it will require Stern to start each broadcast with "an appropriate" Bible reading from the New Testament, "without flippant or derogatory editorial," and to air at least two religious hymns each day sung by local choirs. One anonymous Sirius official confided, "We played this exactly right. Now maybe we can save his soul." Sirius is also expected to announce that Stern has been tapped to serve as lead commentator for Sirius' broadcast of Pope Benedict's next midnight Mass.

Stern issued a terse response to Sirius' announcement, but this website's profanity ombudsman advised that it cannot be printed here.

A WARM WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST CONTRIBUTOR, JIMMY "THE GREEK" SNYDER

"My first pick will be the AFC Championship game this coming Sunday. But before I can do anything, I need to clear up these rumors that I passed away in 1996. While this may be true, I can still pick winners! On Sunday, it will be Pittsburgh over Denver by 7 because Pittsburgh has more blacks. Oh, excuse me, I forgot -- I'm supposed to leave the racism to the Mayor of New Orleans. Ha, ha! See you next week!"

BREAKING NEWS: SHARON OPENS EYES, SEES NURSE, IMMEDIATELY REVERTS TO COMA

REPORTER "OUTS" LOCAL MALES WHO DIDN'T WATCH THE STEELERS-COLTS GAME

KDKA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT CATCHES PANSIES ENGAGED IN "ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF NON-FOOTBALL ENTERTAINMENT": STUDYING, VISITING ART GALLERIES AND (OF COURSE) GOING TO SEE "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"

PITTSBURGH - KDKA Investigative Reporter Andy Sheehan's controversial report during the six o’clock news Monday night had many local men who have no interest in the Steelers headed for Kaufmanns on Tuesday to buy anything black and gold so that they can, as Sheehan put it, "maintain the pretense of masculinity." Using his trademark confrontational approach, Sheehan's report "outed" dozens of Western Pennsylvania males who did not watch "the big game" on Sunday.

On Sunday afternoon during game time, Sheehan and a cameraman waited at the exit of a local movie theater showing Brokeback Mountain. “When most normal men were home swearing at their television set and sweating buckets of testosterone upon their living room floors, these men were watching a movie about gay cowboys,” said Sheehan, pointing at the crowd running toward their cars to evade him.

Sheehan next visited the Hillman Library at the University of Pittsburgh and attempted to "out" several males who were studying, but most pulled overcoats across their faces. When one young man put his hand over the camera lens, Sheehan sharply rebuked him, “What kind of sicko are you?” Although Sheehan spotted numerous Asian males studying, Sheehan explained that "Asians, women and, in fact, most minorities get a free pass -- they're simply not expected to watch the game." But no Caucasian male was immune from Sheehan's witch-hunt. At the close of his report, Sheehan openly chided his cameraman, Sean Cannon, who volunteered for the assignment. "I'm here today, missing the big game, because I have to be here," said Sheehan. "But exactly why are you here, Sean?" Cannon later explained to this news source that he is, in reality, part Hispanic, "and Andy [Sheehan] had no right to call me out like that."

Sheehan's follow-up report last night had him interviewing County Executive Dan Onorato. “Don’t you think families have the right to know when a male, over the age of 12, moves into their neighborhood who is interested in 'alternative' forms of entertainment during football season?” he asked. Onorato agreed, and stated that he will introduce a bill to require all males who are not football fans residing in the county to report their presence to local authorities. Onorato said that their names, and the communities in which they reside, will be found on the Allegheny County web site.

NEWSPAPER HEIRESS PATTY HEARST KIDNAPPED BY IRAQI INSURGENTS; HUSBAND FEARS AL-ZARQAWI MAY BRAINWASH WIFE, FORCE HER TO ROB BANKS,WEAR UGLY CLOTHES


BRIDGEPORT - Newspapers heiress, socialite and one-time kidnapping victim of the Symbionese Liberation Army Patty Hearst was kidnapped again last night, this time by members of Islamic Jihad in Connecticut. Hearst and her husband, Bernard Shaw, had just finished dinner when four men in black ski masks brandishing automatic weapons came to their frontdoor.

"Our daughter answered the bell and told us about the four men with the guns. Patty gave me a puzzled look. Neither of us were expecting visitors," said Shaw. "I went to the door, and they asked me if they could use our bathroom. I remember showing them to the powder room, then everything went dark. I feel so guilty. When I woke up, I thought to mysefl, 'Oh, well, it must be the SLA, trying to recapture some of the old magic -- you know, like those politicians who want us to go to the moon again." But it quickly became apparent that the SLA was not involved.

Hearst, who has lived an exemplary life as a mother and wife since her release from prison in 1979, sent a tape recorded message to the Bridgeport Police Station assuring them that "she was in good hands, that she was thinking about changing her name, and that she would probably have to start committing crimes again until the crusaders leave Iraq." Shaw was at a loss for an explanation. "Before we got married, the FBI told us the statistical probability of Patty being re-kidnapped was six billion to one. I don't know what it is about my wife that makes terrorists want to abduct her."

NCAA CONVINCES JEB BUSH THAT BAN ON INDIAN NICKNAMES IS NECESSARY TO KEEP "BLOODTHIRSTY SAVAGES FROM GOING ON WARPATH"


PREZ'S BROTHER SAYS, "OK. THAT'S A GOOD REASON."

NEW YORK - Last August, Florida Governor Jeb Bush denounced as "political correctness run amok" the NCAA's decision that the sports teams for eighteen colleges, including Florida State, must shed insensitive American Indian nicknames or be barred from competing in post-season tournaments.

But the NCAA has hit upon an ingenious way to convince Governor Bush that the ban was necessary.

"They told me that if we don't adopt this stance, the bloodthirsty savages will go on the warpath -- you know, scalpings, whooping and hollering, the whole bit," Bush said. "And we all know this has been the redskins' unfortunate pattern throughout history, as evidenced by the innumerable historically accurate, albeit entertaining, cowboy movies depicting civilization's attempts to tame them. So, yes, now that I understand better, I totally agree that this ban is necessary to protect good Americans from these interlopers who have come to our country bent on stealing our land."

CONSULTANT CALLS FOR CHANGES IN BISHOP’S TELEVISION SHOW, SAYS REACHING 75-90 DEMOGRAPHIC NO LONGER ENOUGH

PITTSBURGH - David Corbett, a national consultant for religious programming hired by the Diocese of Pittsburgh’s Office For Electronic Media, is recommending substantial changes for Bishop Donald Wuerl’s long-running television show The Teaching of Christ.

At one time, Bishop Wuerl was known as “The King of Sunday Morning,” because no local cleric would dare broadcast opposite his program. However, times have changed. “The show just isn’t bringing in the numbers it once did,” says Corbett. “And that’s because the format has become stale. I just don‘t know how much longer the audience is going to stick with his message of peace, love, and redemption. Yeah, I know it’s the ‘timeless message of salvation’ and all that, but week in, week out, it’s the same old thing.”

One of the first things that needs to be changed, according to Corbett, is the house band. “We all love Father Leo,” he said, referring to the pianist leader of The Beatified Trio. “But that kind of music just doesn’t speak to the market we’re trying to reach -- males between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.”

To that end, Corbett is attempting to convince people close to Bishop Wuerl to get him to “loosen up” a bit. “Book the occasional animal act. Make the monologue more topical. Get back to doing the sketches that made The Teachings of Christ the topic of water-cooler conversation on Monday morning.” Corbett also thinks that the Bishop should provide more exposure to young priests breaking into religious life. “There is nothing the audience loves more than when a young homilist comes out and kills, and then the Bishop invites him over to the couch. That’s great television.”


Hugh Downs, who is co-host of the show, said the Bishop is reflecting upon Mr. Corbett’s suggestions. Downs said the Bishop is willing to implement all of the changes recommended save one: The Bishop will not allow comedian Jackie Mason to return to the show. Many viewers will recall the morning when Mason’s act ran long, and as he was ushered off the set cameras caught Mason making an obscene gesture in the direction of the Bishop. “He knows about the need to forgive and all that,” said Downs, “but there’s a limit to everything.”

AUDIO EXPERTS CONCLUDE THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG'S "FIRST WORDS" ON MOON WERE DUBBED BY ACTOR WHO PLAYED WILBUR ON "MISTER ED"


NEWLY FOUND RECORDING SHOWS ASTRONAUT WAS REALLY PLEADING FOR HIS LIFE, FEARFUL THAT MOON'S SURFACE MIGHT BE QUICKSAND

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - A secret recording of Neil Armstrong's first words as he stepped onto the moon in July 1969 was found this week in the National Archives, and it reveals that the astronaut did not say, "That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Audio experts have concluded that those words, familiar to generations of Americans, were actually dubbed by actor Alan Young, who most notably portrayed Wilbur Post on TV's beloved sitcom Mister Ed about a talking horse.

In contrast, the real recording found this week shows that Armstrong's actual first words were: "Oh, sh - -; oh sh - -. Don't let this be quicksand! Please don't leave me to die on the moon! Oh, sh - -! I've just wet myself."

Armstrong has long denied that his first words were dubbed, but a careful review of the "official" well-known recording of his alleged first words reveals not only that the speaker was Alan Young, but that another faint voice can be heard in the background. Audio experts have concluded that the voice in the background is that of the late actor Alan Lane, Young's co-star and the voice of the talking horse, Mister Ed, from the television series. Lane is faintly but distinctly heard to say, "Wilbur, turn on the TV for me."

363 KILLED IN STAMPEDE THAT BROKE OUT DURING ANNUAL STONING RITUAL; 512 KILLED IN STONING THAT BROKE OUT DURING ANNUAL STAMPEDE RITUAL

MINA, SAUDI ARABIA - Saudi authorities blame the deadliest stampede since 1990 on the massive influx of tourists for the "jamarat ritual stoning," where pilgrims throw stones at three pillars representing Satan. According to officials, the stampede started when several pilgrims toting heavy baggage on their backs fell, causing a massive pile-up.

"This tragedy could have been avoided if only the victims had been toting American Tourister's 30 inch Expandable Upright Suiter with wheels," said Bradleys Roadhouse, President of American Tourister, who contacted this news source in order to be quoted in this story. The stoning, on the other hand, broke out at the far end of Mina during the annual "jamarat ritual stampede." According to Bradleys Roadhouse, "American Tourister doesn't make anything that could stop that."

THIS WEBSITE WRONGLY ACCUSED OF MIS-ATTRIBUTING QUOTATIONS

I FEEL LIKE "THE PRETTIEST FLOWER IN THE POND." Pittsburgh Steeler Joey Porter



THE COLTS "DON'T WANT TO PLAY SMASH-MOUTH FOOTBALL, THEY JUST WANT TO CATCH YOU OFF GUARD." Figure skater Johnny Weir

ALITO ABDUCTED BY ALIENS, WHITE HOUSE ASSURED THAT NIGHT OF RECTAL PROBING FAILED TO REVEAL HIS POSITIONS ON ABORTION, EXECUTIVE POWER

Alito is a man "who possesses the intellect, the integrity, and the rectum of someone who deserves a seat on the highest court in the land."

WASHINGTON - Judge Samuel Alito arrived over one hour late for his Supreme Court confirmation hearings this morning, claiming he was abducted by aliens last night and forced to submit to over eight hours of rectal probing by spacemen determined to obtain his positions on abortion and executive power. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters at his morning briefing that the President was confident "the spacemen, like the American people, would be satisfied with the materials provided by Judge Alito," adding that he is a man "who possesses the intellect, the integrity, and the rectum of someone who deserves a seat on the highest court in the land."

Meanwhile, at the hearing, an irritated Senate Judiciary Chairman Specter demanded additional details from the nominee about his abduction, but Judge Alito demurred. "With all due respect, Mr. Chairman, there are a lot of alien abduction cases in the Federal courts, and I don't think it would be appropriate for me to comment at this time. People who bring litigation against creatures from distant planets or even other solar systems need to know that I will be a fair and impartial arbiter."

While Specter appeared to be satisfied with that answer, some Democrats were not. Senator Richard Durbin (D-Illinois) made a motion that the nominee submit to rectal probing from the committee, but Specter denied the motion. "We?ve been ripping this guy a new one for three days," he said. "I think he's had enough."

INDIANAPOLIS MAYOR ISSUES EXECUTIVE ORDER: RESIDENTS CAUGHT SELLING PLAYOFF TICKETS TO STEELER FANS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT

INDIANAPOLIS - Mayor Bart Peterson issued an executive order this morning to Indianapolis law enforcement officials allowing them to "shoot on sight" anyone caught selling playoff tickets for this Sunday's divisional playoff game to Steelers fans. At a press conference this morning at City Hall, Mayor Peterson explained the order this way: "To sell your ticket to a fan from a visiting team is an act of treason, and should be punished accordingly. They did it to our people last year in Foxboro."

Peterson was referring to the actions of New England Patriot officials, who impaled several Colts fans on spikes and placed the bodies in front of their stadium prior to the 2005 Divisional Playoff game between the two teams. The corpses were intended to serve as a warning to those who dared to cheer against the home team.

Peterson said he has been assured by the Indianapolis Chief of Police and the Office of Chief Legal Counsel for the National Football League that he is within his rights to issue such an order. "The importance of this game transcends matters of life and death," said Peterson.

In a related matter, Mayor Peterson has made a good-natured wager with Pittsburgh Mayor Bob O'Connor on the outcome of Sunday's game. "When we win, I get to have my way with his wife for a night," said Peterson. Peterson refused to reveal what he promised O'Connor. "She's got more to worry about than I do," he quipped.

ANGELINA JOLIE, BRAD PITT CONCERNED THEIR BABY WILL BE UNFAITHFUL TO THEM


"ROVING EYE" IS IN THE GENES, TINSELTOWN SUPERSTAR COUPLE AGREES

HOLLYWOOD - Angelina Jolie is 30, and she's been divorced twice. Her paramour, Brad Pitt, last year emerged from an emotionally messy break-up with Jennifer Aniston. The news that Jolie is expecting Pitt's child this summer raised a delicate concern for the Hollywood couple: will the baby be faithful to his or her parents?

"I intend to invest a lot into this relationship and don't want my baby sneaking around behind our backs looking for nurturing and affection elsewhere," Jolie said. Pitt said that the couple will know if the baby develops the same roving eye as his parents. "We'll pick up on the little things to know if he's become -- how do I say it? -- emotionally unavailable to us. After all, his mother and I are experts on the subject. For example, if he calls us from day care to tell us he's running late -- that he got tied up coloring or climbing on something -- we'll know he's cheating on us."

Jolie is so concerned, she's doing a preemptive strike by having her attorney draw-up what she calls a "pre-natal agreement" to provide that the child gets nothing if he looks elsewhere for love (she is utilizing the same language she uses for all her husbands). "That's just a formality because I intend to make this relationship work," she declared.

WTAE ACTION NEWS TEAM METEOROLOGIST BEING TREATED FOR DEPRESSION, NEWS DIRECTOR CITES LACK OF FROZEN PRECIPITATION

"All of us at WTAE are praying for Don's swift recovery, as well as a massive, crippling winter storm in the five-day forecast."

PITTSBURGH - WTAE News Director Bob Longo released a statement today announcing that Weather Watch 4 Meteorologist Don Schwenneker is being treated for depression. According to an anonymous source at the station, Schwenneker had been spending long hours staring at the Doppler Radar Screen searching for Arctic Clippers or lake-effect snow. Schwenneker reportedly hadn't left the station since last Friday when a rare warm spell gripped the region with temperatures well above the norm. When Anchorman Mike Clark arrived for work Monday, he found an unkempt, unshaven Schwenneker at his desk, surrounded by the latest storm modules and mason jars filled with urine. Security escorted Schwenneker from the premises. Longo cited an extremely mild January with a concurrent lack of precipitation as the primary reasons for Schwenneker's condition. "All of us at WTAE are praying for Don's swift recovery, as well as a massive, crippling winter storm in the five-day forecast. The combination of heavy snow and heavy doses of psychotropic drugs should have Don up and around in no time," said Longo. Schwenneker is the second WTAE meteorologist this year to succumb to a mild form of mental illness. Stephen Cropper underwent electro-shock therapy to help him deal with his own depression after Hurricane Katrina failed to deliver flooding rains to the Pittsburgh area last fall.

ALITO IN ALTERCATION WITH PHOTOGRAPHER ENTERING CONFIRMATION HEARING, VOWS TO BREAK LEGS OF "PAPARAZZI SCUM"

WASHINGTON - Judge Samuel Alito was accused of assaulting an US Magazine photographer as he attempted to enter the Senate Judiciary Conference Room this morning. Alito, who pushed through a phalanx of reporters with a terse "Get lost, you creeps," as he bounded up the steps and into the building, allegedly became enraged when he spotted several federal judiciary paparazzi lurking behind a statue of Judge Rufus Peckham. When the photographers tried to take his picture, witnesses said Alito grabbed the camera of one photographer and threw it to the ground, stomping on it repeatedly and breaking it into several pieces. As the other photographers continued taking his picture, a sneering Alito reached into his breast pocket. Pulling out a large wad of bills, he handed the money to his long-time tipstaff Izzy Jillo and told him to "take care of this scum. Break their legs." Jillo and Alito then began battering photographer Al Eisenstadt Jr. about the face and neck with their fists. Alito then entered the conference room, but before closing the door he warned reporters and photographers covering the fight that he "would hurt" anybody who got in his way again. The hearings continue this morning.

ALITO BEGINS CHARM OFFENSIVE, COMPLIMENTS SENATOR FEINSTEIN ON HER HAIRSTYLE, BREASTS


WASHINGTON - On the second day of his confirmation hearings, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito used a controversial strategy to win the vote of Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-California). Interrupting the opening remarks from Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter, Judge Alito said he simply couldn’t wait a minute longer to tell Senator Feinstein “how much he liked her new hairstyle.” He added, “And that’s some rack you’ve got, honey.” Feinstein, who is the lone big-breasted female on the judiciary committee (with Senator Kennedy being the lone big-breasted male), blushed. Many long-time court watchers wondered about the wisdom of Judge Alito’s remarks, but at least one observer thought it made sense. Professor J. Finton Whipplehill of Yale Law School observed that “Alito needs Feinstein’s vote. And, to use the parlance of the guys in the auto repair shop, 'chicks love flattery.' I think Judge Alito is playing his cards beautifully.”

When it came time for Feinstein to question Judge Alito, she appeared incapable of resisting his charms. When she asserted that “the American people want to know what kind of Supreme Court justice you’ll be,” he replied “What kind of justice do you want me to be, baby?” She lowered her eyes and smiled. Judge Alito asked if they could “continue these questions over dinner.” He also bragged that he was a judge “who knows how to use his gavel, if you get my drift,” adding that he could provide the Senator with the names of dozens of women who would provide concurring opinions. Following adjournment, Judge Alito and Senator Feinstein were seen leaving the Senate together. The hearings resume this morning.

SUPREME COURT NOMINEE ALITO READS NEWSPAPER, CLIPS FINGER NAILS, ANSWERS CELL-PHONE DURING OPENING STATEMENTS

WASHINGTON - Judge Samuel Alito stunned the Senate Judiciary Committee today with behavior that Chairman Arlen Specter (R-Pennsylvania) called "the most intemperate, disrespectful conduct" he had ever witnessed in his Senate career. "And that includes my own conduct during the Warren Commission hearings," he added. Shortly after Senator Joseph Biden began his opening remarks, Judge Alito, who throughout the morning had repeatedly rolled his eyes and turned his head to look at the clock on the back of the Senate wall, pulled out The Washington Post from his briefcase. As he did, a well-known "men's magazine" fell to the floor, and he quickly picked it up and stashed it away before his sister, sitting directly behind him, could see it. Judge Alito opened the newspaper and set off a series of paper rustling noises as he attempted to fold it into more easily readable sections. "This is why I prefer the [sensational, easy-to-fold tabloid] New York Post," the Judge announced to the Committee. "And because of their pithy headlines." Biden chided him for reading the newspaper during the hearing. "If you know anything about the law," Judge Alito snapped, "you would know that reading the newspaper during depositions is a time-honored lawyer's tradition." Biden cut short his opening remarks in frustration.

Next up was Senator Edward Kennedy. For unexplained reasons, Senator Kennedy apparently believed that Alito was named Judge "Al Ito," and Kennedy assumed he was the brother of O.J. Simpson trial court judge Lance Ito. Kennedy devoted the first five minutes of his prepared remarks extolling Lance Ito's sage and even-handed judicial temperament "which affords African-Americans a fair shake in our often racist court system."

Throughout Kennedy's remarks, Judge Alito clipped his finger nails and circled small print on the horse racing page of the Washington Post. When Chairman Specter interrupted Kennedy's remarks to ask "if the nominee was paying attention," Judge Alito did not look up. "Yeah. I heard every word," he said. When Chairman Specter inquired if "the nominee would care to repeat what my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts just said," Judge Alito put down his pen, leaned back and put his feet on the conference table. "Don't get your knickers in a twist, cue ball," he snapped. Tapping his skull, he leaned forward and said in an audible stage whisper, "I got it all right here." At this Judge Alito's cell phone rang and he asked Senator Specter if he wouldn't mind "cooling it" for a moment. "I have to take this."

While Judge Alito chatted away on the phone, Senator Specter called for a recess. He said he needed to speak with the President "as soon as possible." Hearings resume this morning at ten o'clock.

LAST SURVIVOR OF CHINA'S GANG OF FOUR DIES

BEIJING - Yao Wenyuan, the final surviving member of China's "Gang of Four," has died at the age of 74, the government announced today. The group, commonly referred to as the "Fabulous Four," not only helped rule China during the tumultuous "Cultural Revolution" of the 1960's but also charted more than 50 top-40 singles. The group's hits included Revolution; Tiananmen Fields Forever; Hey Mao; The Continuing Story of Pagoda Pete; We All Live in a Yellow Ricksha; I want to Hold Your Bicycle; and Back with the USSR. When one of the other Gang members presented Yao with a song entitled Norwegian Wood (This Bird has Flown), Yao wisely changed it to Peking Wood (This Duck has Flown), and it became a number one hit.

Among the members of the Gang of Four, Wenyuan was referred to "The Chinese One." In 1966, he found himself in hot water when he told a reporter that the Gang was "more popular than Buddha." Things spiraled futher out of control for Yao and the other members of the group the following year when their popular manager, Brian Epstein-zedong, died at the age of 32. At around the same time, an urban legend circulated throughout China that "Yao is dead." School children believed that if the song On a Slowboat to China was played backward, a voice could be heard to say "Yao is dead."

Yao is widely blamed for the Gang's less-than-cordial break-up following his marriage to Yoko Ono in 1969. In 1994, Yao sold the rights to the entire catalogue of Gang songs to Michael Jackson.

SNOWSTORM TRAPS CHANNEL ELEVEN NEWS TEAM ON TELEVISION HILL, ANCHORS RESORT TO CANNIBALISM


Anchor David Johnson Broadcasts Urgent Plea for Help, Hair Products

PITTSBURGH - A sudden winter storm caught forecasters by surprise last night, rendering many roads too hazardous to travel, and creating a crisis at a local television station. Shortly after 8 p.m., NBC affiliate WPXI broke in to regularly scheduled programming to announce that the station was completely surrounded by snow and that employees had no way of leaving.

A crawler across the bottom of the screen announced that some of the on-air talent had become so desperate for food that they were resorting to cannibalism and debating the best way to prepare Channel Eleven reporter Alan Jennings for human consumption. Anchorman David Johnson asked for the prayers of all viewers, and urged local government officials to ready plans for an emergency airdrop of badly needed hair-care products. “Things are getting desperate, folks,” he warned. “A little more than an hour ago, I saw some gray.”

JEWS SAY IRAN'S PRESIDENT FINALLY CROSSED THE LINE BY BRANDING JACKIE MASON'S ACT "TOO JEWISH"

TEL AVIV - Jewish leaders around the world said that Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has finally crossed the line by declaring that comedian Jackie Mason's act is "too Jewish." Ahmadinejad has been under intense world-wide fire in the past several weeks for first advocating that Israel be moved to Europe, and then declaring the Holocaust "a myth." The comments about Mason are the last straw, say anonymous Jewish leaders.

Ahmadinejad's comments came in an outdoor rally attended by several thousand followers that was devoted exclusively to attacking Mason.

"This Mason sprinkles his routine with all manner of lies about how the Jewish people are oppressed," said Ahmadinejad. "Well, I say to you and to Allah, that Mason's shtick is too Jewish." Then, in an unscripted outburst, Ahmadinejad raised his fist and declared, "Worse than that, I say to you, and to Allah, that ever since Mason became a big Broadway star, he isn't even funny anymore!" This outburst was greeted by rapturous cries of "Allah is Great" from the crowd.

Mason did not immediately return calls.

HUSSEIN TELLS JUDGE TO GO TO HELL; MOVES FOR CHANGE OF VENUE, UNDERWEAR

Risky defense strategy "is so crazy, it just might work”

BAGHDAD - Saddam Hussein told the judge presiding over his trial to “go to hell” today, employing a risky strategy experts say rarely works. Professor Cass R. Sunstein of the University of Chicago Law School said this type of behavior is to be expected from defendants still learning how to deal with a newly-formed Western style judiciary. “Threats and curses have their place in the courtroom, but if you’re looking for relief from the bench, a kind word and a bribe are far more effective than obscenities,” said Sunstein.

Hussein, on trial for exterminating a village in 1982, conceded that he might have “anger management issues.” After his latest outburst, he told the court that he has tried transcendental meditation, jogging, and ceramics, but nothing helps him relieve stress "like killing people.” Professor Sunstein expressed doubts over the controversial admission of guilt tactic employed by the Hussein defense team, but said, “It’s so crazy, it just might work.”

At the close of the ten-hour session, Hussein presented a number of motions to Chief Judge Wapner. Among them were a “Motion to Return Myself to Power,” a “Motion for Change of Underwear” and a “Motion to Be Given a Machine Gun.” Judge Wapner said he would rule on those motions before the end of the week.

ALL U.S. CONVENIENCE STORES AFFORDED "EXTRATERRITORIAL STATUS" AS IF SITUATED ON SOIL OF INDIA

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