Jeeves, the mascot butler ousted by search engine ask.com, hangs himself

NEW YORK - Hours after internet search engine Ask.com jettisoned its long-time corporate mascot, Jeeves, the dainty butler who helped build the search engine into a household name took his own life in the same Hollywood motel where Janis Joplin died. Jeeves' best friend, the dog from dogpile.com, found the well-known corporate icon hanging from the ceiling of Room 105, the room where Joplin died. "I figured we'd find him there," said the little dog. "I knew he was despondent, but he promised me he was going to call some people he knows over at Yahoo! to see if they'd take him in."

The dog said that Jeeves' ouster came without warning. "He reported to work Monday morning, on time as always, but some punk security guard wouldn't even let him walk onto the screen. This kid told him that the company 'is going in a different direction.' Just like that," the dog said. "And you can bet that decision was in the works for months." The dog noted that he had urged Jeeves for years to "take the stock options the company offered him, like I did with dogpile.com. Hell, today I'm the largest individual shareholder in the company. Whoever tries to dump me will be out on his ass."

GANG BUSTED FOR DEALING CRACKS

POLICE RAID REVEALS THAT CRACKED CONCRETE PROCESSED IN LOCAL "CRACKS HOUSES" WAS SOLD TO PENNDOT

PITTSBURGH - Police say a criminal empire came crashing down yesterday when they raided several local "cracks houses" where millions of dollars of cracked concrete was processed for eventual sale to the Pennsylvania Department of Transportion. "These gangs made a fortune selling this crap to PennDOT, and it ended up on highways across the Commonwealth," said Pennsylvania State Trooper Sean Cannon who led the raid. "Unfortunately, PennDOT is addicted to the stuff."

DREW LACHEY STUNS AUDIENCE, SENDS SACHEEN LITTLEFEATHER TO ACCEPT DANCING WITH STARS TROPHY

"NATIVE AMERICAN" READS STATEMENT PROTESTING REALITY SHOWS FOR "DEGRADING THE B-LIST CELEBRITY"

LOS ANGELES - Drew Lachey shocked a national audience last night when he sent Sacheen Littlefeather to the stage to accept the trophy he was awarded for winning the dance competition on the ABC television show Dancing With the Stars. Littlefeather, who famously accepted the Academy Award for Best Actor won by Marlon Brando for his role in The Godfather in 1972, as well as the Nobel Prize for Literature won by Alexander Solzhenystin in 1979, read from a prepared text.

“Drew Lachey has asked me to tell you, in a very long speech which I cannot share with you presently, but will be glad to share with the press afterward, that he regretfully cannot accept this very generous reward.” Host Tom Bergeron attempted to take the microphone from Littlefeather, but Lachey, who apparently had been standing in the wings, dropped him to the floor with a karate chop to the back of his neck.

Littlefeather continued, and said that Lachey was declining the trophy because he wanted to draw attention to the plight of the erstwhile famous. “Mr. Lachey says that the producers of so-called reality television programs, who force former box office stars like George Hamilton to participate in their farces, are entirely responsible for degrading the B-list celebrity,” said Ms. Littlefeather. She added: “Mr. Lachey also is insulted that the producers of this show would present him with a 'trophy' that looks like something left over from Andy Gibb’s estate sale.”

This is the second time that the winner of Dancing With the Stars has refused the top prize. In Dancing With the Stars 1977, a Quinn Martin production, William Conrad defeated Buddy Ebsen in the finals, only to forfeit his victory when he learned the trophy was inedible.

OUR MOVIE CRITIC, COLLEGE DUDE RYAN KIDD, REVIEWS THE OSCAR CONTENDERS

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN was, like, totally gay, dude.

Whoever played Senator Joseph McCarthy in GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK was, like, some old actor who overacted and everything, like they did in old black and white films; and like, black and white films aren't as good as the films today with all the special effects.

CRASH really, like, made me think about race, dude, and, like, about issues associated with race and everything.

MUNICH, with the Palestinians dissing the Israelis, was, like, something my great-grandparents or somebody lived through; it, like, has no relevance to my generation.

CAPOTE was, like, so totally gay.

BISHOP WUERL PASSED OVER AGAIN FOR COLLEGE OF CARDINALS, DENIES RUMORS HE WANTS NAME REMOVED FROM BALLOT

PITTSBURGH - A disappointed Bishop Donald Wuerl met with reporters on the steps of St. Paul's Cathedral the morning after he once again was passed over for induction into the College of Cardinals to address rumors that he has asked the selection committee to remove his name from next year's ballot. "It's just not true," said the Bishop. L.C. Greenwood, who was kept out of the Football Hall of Fame once again in this year's balloting, approached the Bishop and told him to "keep the faith. It'll happen."

Experts speculate as to why Wuerl was kept out again. "Wuerl has spent his entire pastoral career in a small market diocese," said ESPN analyst Peter Gammons. "He's never received the national attention that, for example, New York-based prelates, such as Fulton Sheen and Willie Mays, have received." Many theologians opine that Wuerl has not obtained a national following because of his dry, pedagogic style and low-key approach to ministry. Others say that it is a backlash against Pittsburghers, and that there is a perception that "there have been too many Pittsburghers elected" to the College. One expert opined that it's because Wuerl has never played in a World Series.

But those who have seen the Bishop in action are effusive with their praise. When asked, "Who were the best concelebrants of the liturgy you have ever seen?" former Cincinnati Reds All-Star and convicted felon Pete Rose replied, "Donald Wuerl and anybody."

The Bishop has been a finalist for induction into the College for fourteen years. He admitted that he had become "disenchanted" with the process. "But I know a lot of good Bishops who aren't in," he said. "It's everybody's dream who enters this business to eventually get into the College. If it happens, it happens. It didn't this year, so you move on and wait for next year." Wuerl has one more year of eligibility after which he is barred unless selected by the Veterans' Committee. When told by reporters that Archbishop Sean O'Malley of Boston, who made it into the College in his first year of eligibility, called it "the greatest individual spiritual achievement that's ever happened in my life," Wuerl looked away and said in a voice dripping with sarcasm, "Thanks so much for sharing that with me."

PRESIDENT REFERS TO CHENEY SHOOTING VICTIM AS “PELLET FACE” DURING INTERVIEW WITH BRIT HUME

WASHINGTON - During an interview with the Fox Television anchor Brit Hume yesterday, President Bush twice referred to seventy-eight year old Texas lawyer Harry Whittington as “Pellet Face.” Whittington was accidentally shot by Vice President Dick Cheney in a near-tragic quail hunting accident on a Texas ranch two weeks ago. “Our hearts and prayers are with Mr., er, Pellet Face and we know he’ll be up and around in no time” said the President.

Sensing that the President was struggling to remember the name of the central figure in the recent mishap that has provided material for comedians around the world, Hume asked “if the President meant Mr. Whittington.”

“Yeah, old Pellet-Face,” said Mr. Bush, smiling. “You know, Dick yelled 'duck,' and Pellet-Face started to say 'don’t you mean quail' when he took a mouth full of buckshot. Isn’t that hilarious?” The President broke into laughter before Mr. Hume reminded him that “the tape was rolling.” The President swallowed hard. He then lunged at Hume, knocking him off his chair. Aides reportedly had to separate the two men. In a briefing this morning, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan responded to questions about the President's use of the expression “pellet face” by saying that “any attempt to impute a pejorative connotation to the nickname assigned by President Bush to his dear, recently maimed, hideously disfigured, turkey-necked crony, Harry Whittington, is both insensitive and wrong.”

FIDEL CASTRO TO SHAVE FOR MONEY ON LATE SHOW

NEW YORK - For just the fifth time in the history of the company, The Gillette Company has offered to pay for exclusive shaving rights to a public figure. Agent Drew Rosenhaus announced today from his Park Avenue office that his client, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, would allow the famous beard he has worn since coming to power on January 1, 1959 to be shaved on a special Late Show With David Letterman to be taped on location in Havana in July. "President Castro is a big fan of the [Letterman] show," said Rosenhaus. According to Rosenhaus, Castro occasionally sends Letterman jokes to use on the air and, in fact, Letterman's entire monologue on one recent show was written by Castro. This will mark the first time that Castro has appeared on an American television program since his 1959 appearance on What's My Line, which led to a well-publicized affair, and messy break-up, with Arlene Francis.

Other celebrities who have submitted to a public shaving using Gillette products are Russian mystic Gregory Rasputin, former Red Sox center fielder Johnny Damon, and in a prime-time publicity stunt gone awry, beloved British actor Sebastian Cabot. Cabot was shaved with disastrous results by a group of pre-schoolers who were not instructed as to how to use a razor while Cabot read to them from Winnie the Pooh. Following Cabot's disfigurement, he successfully sued Gillette but thereafter was relegated to movie roles that hid his face, including the serial killer in the first three Halloween films.

Rosenhaus said that Mr. Castro, who once vowed he would never shave until "the Russians give me back my missiles," was so impressed by the clean, close shave Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger received on Letterman's program earlier this month using the revolutionary new "Fusion" razor that he "simply had to try it." The only condition? "David, and only David, is permitted to shave me," Castro said.

Gillette's signing of Castro follows its unsuccessful attempt to sign the so-called "Unabomber," convicted serial killer Ted Kaczynski, to a similar contract, a failure that caused Gillete's stock price to plummet. Rosenhaus, who has represented Castro since the Mariel Boatlift in 1980, said that Castro would donate his beard trimmings to charity. Terms of the deal were not disclosed.

FORMER MAYOR MASLOFF ESCAPES FROM TRUCK FILLED WITH CADAVERS, CONFRONTS CAPTOR IN LOCAL RESTAURANT

"HOW DARE YOU TRY TO SELL ME TO CARLOW COLLEGE!"

DENMARK WINS GOLD MEDAL IN NEWEST WINTER OLYMPIC SPORT

PRESIDENT ORDERS BOMBING OF SUSPECTED QUAIL SANCTUARIES, DECLARES "WAR ON QUAILS"

QUAIL WHO WAS CHENEY'S INTENDED TARGET IS ARRESTED FOLLOWING APPEARANCE ON LARRY KING SHOW, SUSPECTED OF BEING AL-QAEDA OPERATIVE

WASHINGTON - In an effort to prevent future tragic hunting accidents similar to the one involving Vice President Dick Cheney and seventy-eight year old Texas lawyer Harry Whittington last Saturday, President Bush announced last night that his administration has ordered the Air Force to commence saturation bombing of suspected quail sanctuaries throughout the American southwest. "We've got to flush them out before they can inflict any additional damage," said the President.

Flanked by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and the Executive Board of the Audubon Society, Bush also revealed that the quail that Cheney targeted when he misfired on Harry Whittington, who identifies himself as "Skippy the Quail," was in Federal custody after being arrested last night leaving CNN's Washington studios following an appearance on the Larry King Show. Skippy and King were walking to their cars in the parking lot when Skippy was nabbed, but King didn't realize what was happening because he was rehearsing aloud for tomorrow night's show, "Phoenix, go ahead, what's your question? San Diego, go ahead, what's your question?"

The President announced that "Skippy is being held at an undisclosed location for questioning, because we have firm evidence that he is an al-Qaeda operative." In addition, Mr. Bush revealed that thousands of other quails were rounded up yesterday across America "for questioning" in connection with the war on quails. Bush refused to respond to allegations that the government was engaging in impermissible ornithological profiling by targeting quails but not other birds. "It is vitally important to the security and stability of our nation that we take appropriate action to break up these terrorist coveys operating in our midst," the President said. "Our intelligence shows that some of these birds very likely possess beaks of mass destruction."

Bush also refused to discuss reports that government agents have tortured quails in custody by threatening to deep-fry them and, in one instance, by wearing a Colonel Harland Sanders costume to terrify and humilate them. Bush did disclose, however, that since the accident, members of the NSA, working in concert with the Fish and Game Commission, have begun monitoring the movements of all game birds throughout the United States. Bush asserted that the Federal Ornithological Surveillance Act of 1977, FOSA, gives the Federal Government the right to listen in on bird calls without having to obtain court approval.

Before he was taken into custody last night, Skippy the Quail revealed on The Larry King Show that he was within eight feet of the Vice President when the Vice President misfired, and that he could smell alcohol on Cheney's breath. "If he's sober," the bird told King, "there's no f - - - - - - way he misses me." White House Press Secretary Scott McClelland dismissed Skippy's account as a fabrication. "As he is wont to do, Larry King lobbed softballs at Skippy; is it any wonder Skippy hit them out of the park?" he said.

SIRHAN SIRHAN SEEKS COMMUTATION OF LIFE-SENTENCE, CLAIMS HE WAS HUNTING QUAIL WHEN HE SHOT RFK

SACRAMENTO - Sirhan Sirhan is seeking a commutation of the life-sentence he received as a result of his conviction stemming from the June 1968 assassination of Senator Robert F. Kennedy because he claims he was hunting quail in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel when Kennedy accidentally crossed into his line of fire.

The Petition filed today by attorneys for Sirhan in the state Supreme Court claims that at the time of the shooting, Sirhan had followed a covey of quail into the kitchen, but in "a tragic mix-up," he mistook Senator Kennedy for an oversized game bird. "Senator Kennedy failed to signal that he was walking behind Sirhan," the Petition contends, "which, as every hunter understands, is standard procedure when quail hunting in the kitchen of the restaurant of a large hotel." Sirhan went to great lengths to make clear that he was not blaming Kennedy for the shooting. "Ultimately, I'm the guy who pulled the triggered," he wrote. "So, yes, I take full responsibility."

The Petition also explained why Sirhan waited so long -- almost 38 years -- to reveal that the shooting was an accident. "My immediate concern was for the health of my friend, Bobby," Sirhan explained. "I still think it was the right call to wait."

Sirhan admits that the one thing for which he is culpable is failing to pay the state of California the seven dollar fee for a quail-hunting license. "Nevertheless," the Petition asserts, "the 38 years Sirhan has spent in prison should constitute sufficient punishment for this oversight."

BUSH, PERTURBED THAT CHENEY NOT FORTHCOMING REGARDING HUNTING ACCIDENT, APPOINTS WALKER, TEXAS RANGER TO INVESTIGATE SHOOTING

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush, perturbed that his administration is being hurt because Vice President Cheney has not been forthcoming regarding the details of his hunting accident, today appointed Texas Ranger Cordell Walker to investigate the shooting. The President said that "should the Vice President continue to withhold information about this incident, Mr. Walker's wide array of martial arts skills should be sufficient to 'motivate' Mr. Cheney to recall details of the accident." Reached by phone at Texas Ranger headquarters in Dallas, Walker told a reporter that he "just returned from an eighteen month hitch interviewing enemy combatants at Abu Ghraib, and even the most hardened criminals start singing like canaries after I make them watch a few minutes of my television show." Walker said he "hoped it wouldn't come to that" with the Vice President.

BREAKING NEWS: CHENEY CLAIMS THAT THE REAL GUNMAN WAS ON GRASSY KNOLL

"I'M JUST THE PATSY," SAID VICE-PRESIDENT.

Details at 11.

AFTER DENOUNCING AS "IDIOTS" THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN A "LIVING CONSTITUTION," JUSTICE SCALIA IS BRUTALLY ATTACKED BY HIS COPY OF THE CONSTITUTION

WASHINGTON - Hours after Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia denounced as "idiots" those who believe in a "living Constitution" that changes akin to a living organism, Scalia claims that his own copy of the Constitution brutally attacked him and that he narrowly escaped with his life. One of Scailia's law clerks said that the Justice is badly bruised and hysterical in a Washington, D.C. hospital, but is expected to make a full recovery.

The alleged attack occurred last night after Scalia spoke at a Federalist Society dinner where he rejected the "living Constitution" concept. Scalia returned to his chambers at the Supreme Court Building at approximately 10:30 to pick up some papers. He turned on the lights and claims that he heard the sound of breaking glass in the credenza where he keeps his yellowed, dog-eared copy of the Constitution. Suddenly, according to Scalia, the Constitution stood up on its own and, without warning, leaped toward his face and knocked him to the floor. The document proceeded to maul him, the Justice said, leaving him with multiple paper cuts about the neck and face. Scalia was able to grab a paper shredder next to his desk, causing the Constitution instinctively to dart behind a curtain. Scalia then ran out of the building and sought medical attention.

Police confiscated the purported "living Constitution" from Scalia's chambers, which showed no signs of having been animated. Although investigators initially discounted Scalia's account as "fantastic," testing today revealed that inkprints on the Justice's throat are from the document.

CHENEY: ALL CREDIBLE INTELLIGENCE SUGGESTED WOUNDED HUNTING PARTNER WAS A DUCK, "SO I SHOT HIM"

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney defended his shooting of hunting companion Harry Whittington on Saturday by insisting that "all intelligence data gathered by a variety of government agencies, including the CIA, NSA and FBI, led everyone to the firm conviction that the seventy-eight year old Whittington was a duck." In remarks made at the Western Pennsylvania School for the Blind, Cheney blasted his critics for casting blame on him for shooting the elderly multi-millionaire, claiming they are practicing "revisionist history."

"Satellite surveillance photos of the Whittington residence, along with NSA-approved wiretaps of Whittington's cell phone that produced hours and hours of mind-numbing transcripts, was believed, at the time, to be irrefutable evidence that the man I thought to be a life-long friend, was, in fact, a duck. So, naturally, I shot him."

Cheney also maintained that "our allies possessed the same intelligence that we did." Reached last night at his 10 Downing Street residence, British Prime Minister Tony Blair confirmed Cheney's account. "I always believed Whittington was hiding something, I don't know -- a duck's bill? Feathers? I couldn't pinpoint it," said Blair. "But frankly, I, too, was under the firm impression that he was a duck."

Cheney, who initially explained the wounding of his hunting partner as "a senior moment," was unrepentant yesterday in justifying his actions. "Allowing ducks to remain in our midst creates an unstable world and leaves America in an untenable position," Cheney said. "Every year ducks cause millions of dollars in property damage by defiling statues and parks. By shooting that duck in the face, I was merely performing my patriotic duty as an American citizen. Unfortunately, in this instance, that duck turned out to be Mr. Whittington."

Cheney said that due to a spate of recent cancellations, he "had a few openings" for a March sheep-hunting trip to Australia, and is inviting any wealthy American to apply to be his hunting partner.

CHENEY: "I'M SORRY I SHOT MR. WHITTINGTON; I MEANT TO SHOOT QUAYLE"

BREAKING NEWS

CHENEY SUES WAL-MART FOR SELLING HIM GUN THAT SHOT HUNTING COMPANION, CLAIMS "FIREARMS ARE INHERENTLY DANGEROUS"

Details at 11.

SISTER LUCIA "SHOCKED" THAT MEDIA MISTOOK HER FOR MICHAEL JACKSON

BAHRAIN - Sister Lucia delGreco of the Holy Order of Salvation is "shocked" that her picture was splashed across every major newspaper in the world yesterday with a caption underneath incorrectly identifying her as pop star Michael Jackson.

Brian O'Neill, Editor of the Bahrain Sun, defended the photographer's mistake. "Hell, you see a feminine figure in black garb carrying an umbrella on a nice day -- of course you're going to think it's Michael Jackson."

SIX SURVIVORS COME FORWARD: DICK CHENEY ROUTINELY HUNTS HUMAN PREY ON CORPUS CHRISTI RANCH

BUSH REACTION: "WHEN SADDAM IS FOUND GUILTY, WE'RE SENDING HIM TO THE RANCH TO QUAIL HUNT WITH CHENEY."

CORPUS CHRISTI - Six Corpus Christi residents stepped forward yesterday and made the shocking allegation to local police that Vice President Dick Cheney routinely lures unsuspecting persons to the same ranch where he shot Harry Whittington last Saturday, and then sadistically hunts them as if they were human prey. Police describe each of the informants as credible, and in light of their revelations have begun to question hundreds of possible witnesses in connection with 216 cases of persons reported missing in the Corpus Christi area over the past five years. Many of those missing persons disappeared after they left for quail hunting trips.

One of the citizens who stepped forward yesterday, attorney Tim Murray of Fort Worth, told reporters that Cheney lured him to the ranch last September, supposedly to shoot quail, but that it quickly became apparent Cheney was after bigger game. "As soon as we got out of the car, he looked straight ahead, sort of strange," Murray recalled. "Then he said in a low, calm voice, 'You have thirty seconds.' I'm thinking, 'Thirty seconds for what?' He said, 'I have a bad heart, so that should give you enough time -- if you're fast enough.' Then he started counting out loud. I turned to the secret service agent and asked, 'He's joking, right?' The agent looked me in the eye and said, 'Mister, once Mr. Cheney starts counting, I've never heard him stop until he reaches 30.' Well, I was never so scared in my life. Needless to say, I ran as fast as I could. He got me in the leg, but I made it to the highway."

Another witness who stepped forward is motion picture screenwriter Bob Haas who revealed that one of the films he scripted, the horror classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, was actually based on Cheney. "Harry Whittington was one of the lucky ones," Haas said. "If I had to guess, I'd say there's probably a couple hundred bodies buried on that ranch, courtesy of the Vice President."

MIKE HOLMGREN COULDN'T BRING HOME LOMBARDI TROPHY, SO GIVES SEAHAWK FANS "SOMETHING BETTER": EXHUMES VINCE LOMBARDI, PLANS TO PUT HIM IN DISPLAY CASE

SEATTLE - Seattle Seahawks Coach Mike Holmgren, unable to bring home the Lombardi Trophy because he claims "the officials stole it from me," cryptically told loyal Seahawks fans the day after the Super Bowl that he was going to bring them "the real thing" instead. Over the weekend he made good on his promise and, with the help of five other men, Holmgren reportedly robbed the grave of legendary Green Bay Packers Coach Vince Lombardi. Holmgren presented the remains of the legendary coach to Seahawks' owner Paul Allen at a downtown ceremony yesterday afternoon.

Lombardi, brilliantly portrayed by Ernest Borgnine in the 1973 ABC telefilm Legend in Granite, is widely regarded as the greatest coach in professional football history. Asked how he was able to remove Lombardi's remains without interference from security, Holmgren laughed. "The oldest trick in the book. I told them I was Joseph of Arimathea and that I was going to bury the coach in my personal crypt. Fortunately, they were sufficiently well-versed in the New Testament to know who I was referring to, and they handed over the remains."

At the formal presentation of the remains this afternoon, Seahawks owner Paul Allen was so overjoyed that he began to cry. "They [the Steelers] might have the Lombardi Trophy, but we've got the Lombardi!," he screamed while holding Lombardi's skeleton over his head in triumph. "Which would you rather have?" he yelled as the crowd roared its approval. "I'm going to have every player's name inscribed on these bones," he continued, "and then this is going in the display case in my office, next to the letter from Bill Gates kicking my ass out of Microsoft." Before Allen could say anything else, FBI agents jumped onto the stage and arrested him for conspiring to rob a grave. Holmgren waddled to a nearby phone booth where he tried unsuccessfully to elude the FBI by pretending to be a walrus just escaped from the Seattle Zoo.

NEWS OF CHENEY SHOOTING NOT MADE PUBLIC FOR 24 HOURS; TRANSCRIPT OF SUNDAY MORNING CALL TO HYANNISPORT RELEASED

CHENEY: "HI, TED? DICK CHENEY. TED, JUST SUPPOSE HYPOTHETICALLY THAT SOMEBODY ALMOST KILLS SOMEBODY. HOW LONG CAN I -- THAT IS, HOW LONG CAN THIS PERSON, WHOSE NAME I NEVER MENTIONED -- GO, YOU KNOW, WITHOUT REPORTING IT?"

EDITORIAL: MY HEART IS BROKEN FOR MICHELLE KWAN, AND I'D NEVER HEARD OF HER UNTIL LAST FRIDAY

EDITORIAL - I've been so distraught I haven't been able to eat since I heard the news yesterday that Michelle Kwan, said to be a world class figure skater, was forced to withdraw from the Olympics due to a groin injury, marking the end to a long and illustrious career at the wizened age of 25. I suspect this must be one of those "sports" where the female athletes peak at the age of 12.

The fact that I had never heard of Ms. Kwan until Friday and haven't the vaguest idea how "figure skating" could possibly be a competitive sport is completely beside the point. After all, this is the Olympics, and it is one of the grand rituals of Western Civilization that we are all expected to feign interest in it around the water cooler, if only to justify NBC's obscene investment in covering it for us.

With all that said, we wish Ms. Kwan the very best, and we're sure that her accomplishments over her storied career were tremendous, whoever she is, whatever it is she did.

--Hon. Rufus Peckham

BUSH INVITES FRENCH PRESIDENT CHIRAC TO GO QUAIL HUNTING WITH DICK CHENEY, DENIES HE WANTS CHENEY TO SHOOT HIM

BUSH COMMENTS ON VP SPRAYING FELLOW QUAIL HUNTER WITH SHOTGUN PELLETS: "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYONE BRING THE MUSTY OLD SECOND AMENDMENT TO LIFE AS WELL AS DICK JUST DID?"

WASHINGTON - Minutes after President Bush learned that Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally peppered a fellow quail hunter with shotgun pellets on Saturday, the President was on the phone to Paris trying to arrange a weekend quail hunting outing between Cheney and French President Chirac. "I think it's time we mended some fences," Bush told the French President, trying his suppress a belly-laugh. When Chirac accepted the invitation, Bush said, "Good, I'll call Aaron Burr and tell him." Bush's reference to Burr, the Vice President to Thomas Jefferson who killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel, was an unconscious slip. "It certainly was," said one White House staffer speaking on condition of anonymity, "because if you asked him, Bush couldn't tell you who Aaron Burr was." Bush denied with a straight face that he wants Cheney to shoot Chirac.

Meanwhile, Harry Whittington, the man Cheney shot, issued a short statement from the intensive care unit of a Corpus Christi hospital where he is being treated, noting that while he "still believes in the Second Amendment" he "no longer believes that the Constitution necessarily applies to Dick Cheney in any respect."

WPXI METEOROLOGIST SUSPENDED FOR ON-AIR JOKE ABOUT ANCHORMAN'S TALLYWACKER

TEELING WILL NOT "BE BACK LATER IN THE BROADCAST WITH THE FIVE-DAY"

PITTSBURGH - WPXI Storm Team Eleven Chief Meteorologist Steve Teeling was suspended indefinitely yesterday for on-air remarks disparaging the size of Anchorman David Johnson's penis. Here is the verbatim transcript of Teeling's weather segment broadcast during the Saturday evening news. "So here's my forecast for the entire Channel Eleven viewing area. To the east in the higher elevations . . ., accumulation somewhere in the neighborhood of eight to ten inches, which by the way is the vicinity I'm in. In the western suburbs, you'll be getting just one to two inches overnight. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what Mrs. Johnson is getting every night."

An audible off-camera gasp was heard on the broadcast while Teeling smirked and continued with the forecast. Off the air, Channel Eleven Sports Director John Fedko attempted to revive anchorwoman Peggy Finnegan, who apparently fainted, by pouring a glass of water on her face. Finnegan regained consciousness and slapped him, claiming Fedko had been looking for an excuse to do "something just like that" for years. When the camera returned to Johnson, he was shaking his fist at Teeling, and spittle spewed from his lips as he mouthed what appeared to be a string of four letter words. Johnson had to be physically restrained by two cameramen as Teeling chuckled and calmly walked to his office.

Teeling later issued a statement saying he was only trying to lighten the mood in a newsroom that badly needs to lighten up, and he apologized "to any viewers prudish enough to be offended" by his joke. He cryptically added, "I'm also sorry for Mrs. Johnson for the matter I discussed on the air. She will know what I mean." While suspended, Teeling loses all Chopper Eleven privileges.

This brings the total to four Channel Eleven Meteorologists who have been suspended over the years for ridiculing an anchor's size. In one instance, the Meteorologist's ventriloquist dummy also was suspended.

KEN DOLL RETURNS, TRIES TO WOO BARBIE AWAY FROM SURFER DUDE DOLL NAMED BLAINE

BUT BARBIE FINDS BOTH MEN INADEQUATE: "KEN VERSUS BLAINE? IT WILL BE THE BATTLE OF THE BULGELESS"

NEW YORK - Sales of Mattel's Barbie doll were off 13% last year, prompting the giant toymaker to reach into the past and trot out Ken, Barbie's long-time boyfriend who was unceremoniously ditched two years ago in favor of surfer dude doll Blaine. Ken is getting a makeover in hopes of not only sending his old flame's heart aflutter but also jump-starting the entire Barbie franchise.

But Barbie herself is not excited about the prospect of hooking up with Ken again or, for that matter, staying with Blaine. "I'm slumming with either one," said Barbie. "I want to be careful how this comes across, but I am justifiably proud that my disproportionately oversized breasts, thin waste and long neck have created widespread self-image disorders in American girls across every demographic," she said. "In contrast, I can tell you first-hand that Ken and Blaine are -- how can I say this politely? Unanatomically correct. Let's be candid, neither of them is able to use a urinal and both are, as you would expect, sopranos," she said. "It's time that Mattel considered my needs as a woman and allowed me to be with a real man."

When told of Barbie's remark, Ken reacted angrily. "That conceited bitch," he said in a high, squeaky voice. "Exactly what does she think she'd be able to do with a 'real man?' I mean, she's only several inches tall! A real man's p**** is bigger than she is," he said.

Blaine was unavailable for comment as eight-year-old Tiffany Mason was busily dressing him for tea in a florid Hawaiian shirt.

MORE DEATHS AS PROTESTS CONTINUE OVER MOHOWARD CARTOONS

KABUL, Afghanistan - Violent protests spread across Afghanistan yesterday as demonstrators clashed with security forces in riots sparked by a Danish newspaper's caricature mocking the prophet Mohoward. The Islamic religion forbids any photographic images of the Prophet. It also does not allow any republication or rebroadcast of the photos, accounts, or descriptions of his life without the express written consent of the Commissioner of the National Islamic League.

The cartoons, which were carried this week in the Kabul Tribune Review, have caused widespread unrest. Hundreds of Afghan police were temporarily blinded by mass eye poking, and many more reported having large clumps of hair pulled out of their scalp by infuriated Muslims. Witnesses said one policeman was led into an alley by a man holding a pair of pliers attached to his nose.

In Denmark, Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen met with Pakistani Minister Akram Durrani and appealed for calm. According to cabinet members who attended the meeting, Rasmussen assured Durrani that the cartoons were “an accident,” adding that “he didn’t mean anything by it, honest.” Durrani allegedly replied “Sure, kid. Think nothing of it.” He then slapped Rasmussen across the face, punched him in the stomach and hit him in the head with a hammer.

TODAY'S POLITICAL CARTOON FROM THE TEHRAN POST-GAZETTE TITLED: "MUHAMMAD SCOWLS AT THE WEST"

PRESIDENT BUSH TO HOLD PRIME-TIME NEWS CONFERENCE, WILL DISCUSS IRAN NUCLEAR THREAT, STEELER DRAFT NEEDS

WASHINGTON - President Bush will address the nation in prime-time tonight at the urging of Congressional Republican leaders, who publicly called on him to to address "the two topics of grave importance" to the American people: the decision by Iran to suspend U.N. inspections of nuclear facilities, and the primary needs of the Pittsburgh Steelers as they begin preparations for the 2006 NFL draft.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters the President has consented to speak because he "is aware of the concerns in Congress and he, too, wants to deal head-on with the issue most pressing to the American people and to provide them with all of the information he has regarding this critical topic." McClellan also said the President would talk about the Iranian situation, "if time allowed."

McClellan was vague about how the President would be able to provide informed comment on the Steelers and their preparations for the upcoming draft, but he did say that "the President believes the Congress has given him the authority to use the National Security Agency to listen in on phone conversations between members of the Steeler coaching staff and various college scouts." McClellan added that the President believes "it is vital to the psychic security of our nation that any threat to the stability and safety of the roster of the Super Bowl Champions be detected early, and, when possible, prevented." McClellan also said the President expected opposition from some members of Congress for requesting additional Federal funding to assist the Steelers in signing key free agents this off-season, but that he was "fully prepared to ignore" their opinions.

AFTER 50 YEARS, DeMILLE'S "TEN COMMANDMENTS" FINALLY SHOWN IN MIDDLE EAST, RIOTS ENSUE

JEWS TAKE ISSUE WITH HESTON'S PERFORMANCE AS MOSES; ARABS DECRY BRYNNER'S RAMESES

TEL AVIV - For the first time since its 1956 premiere, Cecil B. DeMille's epic The Ten Commandments was shown in the Middle East last night, airing simultaneously on television networks in both Israel and Egypt. After the final credits, thousands of angry Israeli citrizens took to the streets, looting and rioting. Hundreds of television sets reportedly were thrown from the windows of apartment complexes and homes across the country, and many were set on fire. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef decried the film as contrary to Jewish teaching. "The Talmud expressly forbids scenery-chewing by any actor portraying figures from the Pentateuch," he said. One commentator noted that Israel has not experienced such widespread rioting since Jews happened to notice the foreskin on the statue of Michelangelo's depiction of Jewish King David. See related story: Jews demand that marble be circumcised; Bob Vila, ex-star of This Old House, retained to chisel away "foreskin abomination"

As large crowds gathered around the United States embassy, Ambassador Robert Levine appealed for calm. “The American people are united with our Jewish friends in expressing revulsion at Mr. Heston's performance in what is otherwise an uplifting Biblical motion picture. Sophisticated American filmgoers of good-will agree that Mr. Heston is, indeed, a ham, and we all know how you people feel about ham.”

Ambassador Levine had no sooner finished his statement when he received word from the State Department that thousands of Egyptians were attacking the United States Embassy in Cairo after watching Yul Brynner’s portrayal of Rameses in the same film. In light of recent events, the Knesset ordered all copies of John Huston’s The Bible pulled from the shelves of video stores and libraries. “Once they see George C. Scott as Abraham,” said one Israeli official speaking on condition of anonymity, “all hell is going to break loose.”

SEAN CANNON RETURNS JUMBOTRON VIDEOBOARD HE BORROWED FROM PNC PARK TO WATCH SUPER BOWL

PITTSBURGH - Sean Cannon does everything in a big way, especially partying. "People act like I invented partying," explained the 39 year-old high school principal from Shaler. "Hell, I didn't invent partying. Let's just say I made it what it is today, that's all."

It was little wonder that yesterday, with the biggest sporting event of them all being broadcast, Cannon, a life-long Steeler fan, wanted to do it up in a big way. "I decided to have a few hundred friends over for the Super Bowl, so I needed a TV big enough to do it justice," said Cannon. "I thought to myself, the Pirates have a pretty nice-sized screen over at PNC [Park] that nobody's using. So, I decided to borrow it." Late Saturday night on the eve of the Super Bowl, Cannon's crew of 12 men hoisted the Jumbotron from the PNC Park scoreboard, gently lowered it onto a flatbed truck and drove it to the gymnasium of Cannon's school. Cannon hooked up the cable, and the party was a huge success.

"When the Steelers got off to such a crummy start," Cannon said, "I thought maybe I jinxed them by showing them on that Jumbotron, given that it's so accustomed to showing losers." But the Steelers somehow managed to pull out a victory, and the Jumbotron was a big hit. The only problem occurred with the half-time show. "When Mick [Jagger] showed up in a close-up on that big screen, seven people passed out," said Cannon.

With 1:27 to go in the fourth quarter, one of the party guests approached Cannon to ask where he had gotten the Jumbotron. It was Kevin McClatchy, the Pirates' CEO. "I 'fessed up," said Cannon. "And Kevin was great about it. In fact he kind of likes the idea of keeping the damn thing out of PNC Park. It'll keep him from having to look at the Pirates so much."

NEXT YEAR'S SUPER BOWL PRE-GAME SHOW ON ABC SLATED TO BEGIN ON OCTOBER 16

PRESIDENT BUSH NOMINATES JOEY PORTER TO BE U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush announced today that he was nominating Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Joey Porter, whom he called "a breath of fresh air," to fill the job of U.N. Secretary General when Koffi Annan leaves the position later this year. If confirmed by the UN's General Assembly, Porter would become the first linebacker ever to hold the position in the nearly sixty year history of the United Nations. "Joey [Porter] has shown himself to be a man who knows how to choose his words carefully," said the President. "He is a uniter, not a divider, and his conflict-resolution skills will serve him well in dealing with the many challenges he will face in leading the United Nations into a new era of peace, stability, and relevance."

The President said he would be sending Porter on "goodwill" missions around the globe following the Super Bowl in an effort to win support for his candidacy. Porter is scheduled to meet with members of the Security Council Monday morning before leaving for a whirlwind trip that will take him to Chechnya, Rwanda, the Sudan, Haiti, Gaza, the West Bank and Iraq.

When asked by reporters during Media Day at the Super Bowl how he would deal with the Hamas victories in the recent Palestinian elections, Porter scowled. "Man, Hamas ain't nothing to me, you know what I'm sayin'? Fatah? They ain't nothing neither." When told that several European countries had already opposed his appointment, Porter's eyes widened. "That's all I need," he said. "I was asleep before, but that's all I need to wake me up. Those countries haven't proved anything, and they have no right to be trashing a man of my stature," he said. Porter declined to say whether or not he would conclude sessions of the General Assembly with his trademark "boot-kick." "I'll have to check the U.N. charter on that one," he said.

NEIL ARMSTRONG STEALS APOLLO ELEVEN, INTENDS TO PLANT TERRIBLE TOWEL ON MOON

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former astronaut Neil Armstrong, the first person to walk on the moon, broke into the National Air and Space Museum at the Smithsonian Institute last night with help from old colleagues and stole theApollo Eleven space capsule, blasting through the roof of the building with the intention of returning to the Moon. Armstrong apparently rigged some home-made rockets to the bottom of the capsule to power it. Via radio transmission, the Ohio native and long-time Steeler fan told NASA engineers at Cape Canaveral that he intends to replace the United States flag he planted in 1969 with a Terrible Towel.

Smithsonian officials were initially baffled at how Armstrong was able to launch his old spacecraft, but a review of his personnel file in the NASA Human Resources Department provided the answer. Speaking to reporters at the White House, President Bush explained: "Apparently, Mr. Armstrong violated standard astronaut check-out procedure by either failing to return his set of keys to the capsule before punching out on his last shift, or by having a duplicate set made." The President assured reporters that his administration was taking appropriate action to ensure that a situation like this does not occur again. "Federal agents are being sent to the homes of all living astronauts and former astronauts to collect all keys to NASA spacecraft in their possession."

The President also said that he was baffled by Armstrong's behavior. Armstrong's wife, however, told reporters gathered in the front yard of her Ohio home that her husband claimed to see the face of Jerome Bettis in the Sea of Tranquility through his telescope several weeks ago. "It's haunted him ever since," she explained. "Neil told me that the least he could do was to give 'The Bus' an appropriate tribute before the Super Bowl this Sunday."

CRITICS PAN LATEST INSTALLMENT OF "24," COMPLAIN THAT HERO WAITING IN HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM FOR ONE HOUR IN REAL TIME LACKS DRAMATIC TENSION

HOLLYWOOD - The trade paper Variety reported today that an overwhelming number of television critics have panned the most recent episode of the hit Fox Television series 24. Last week's show ended with Jack Bauer bounding into the kitchen, preparing to make breakfast. As this week's episode begins, Bauer slices his finger trying to open a can of tomato juice. For the better part of three minutes, Bauer curses and shouts and finally stanches the bleeding with a dish towel. A quick phone call to CIA headquarters ends with the Director of Intelligence shouting at Bauer to "get that damn thing stitched. Time's a wasting." Bauer is then shown driving to Cedar-Sinai Hospital, sitting through red lights and construction zone delays. At the hospital, for the duration of the program, Bauer is shown in real time filling out insurance forms, reading six month-old magazines, watching cable television and staring at the ground to avoid eye contact with other waiting room patients.

"This is the worst episode since Bauer had to renew his driver's license at the Department of Motor Vehicles in the first season," grumbled Tom Shales of the Washington Post. A Fox spokesman said that "people understand that sometimes -- not often, but sometimes -- there are moments in an ordinary day when dramatic things aren't happening." He declined to comment on reports that next season's show will deal entirely with Jack Bauer attempting to complete and file his Federal Income Tax return before the midnight deadline.

MAN WEARING SEAHAWKS JERSEY RECIPIENT OF GOOD-NATURED BEATING AT HANDS OF BAR PATRONS, ACLU ATTORNEY

PITTSBURGH - A man wearing a Seattle Seahawks jersey walked into a North Side bar yesterday and was nearly beaten to death by a group of fun-loving members of the "Steeler Nation" that included ACLU attorney Vic Walczak. The man, forty-seven year old Brian O’Neill, told authorities he was known by the regulars of Schroms Garden Café on East Ohio Street as “someone who possessed a strong contrarian streak, as well as a full set of teeth.” Shortly after O’Neill entered the front door, according to police, the regulars decided to rid him of both.

“I’m normally a first amendment absolutist,” said Walczak, who complained that he “scuffed up” a new pair of Johnson and Murphy dress shoes kicking a supine O’Neill about the head and shoulders. “But I can find nothing in the Constitution that would afford someone the right to walk into a Pittsburgh tavern, days before the Super Bowl, wearing officially-licensed NFL merchandise bearing the logo of the team that happens to be the Steelers' opponent. I do recall something from my law school days about not being allowed to yell 'fire' in a crowded theater -- not that I've ever invoked that analogy in any other instance. But that's precisely what this fool did here, and he deserved to be mercilessly -- no, savagely beaten."

Reached at home last night, O’Neill said he was looking forward to a steady diet of soup “for an indefinite period of time.” He also said he planned to watch the Super Bowl, “if the swelling around his eyes goes down” by Sunday.

OPRAH WINFREY ANNOUNCES NEWEST BOOK CLUB SELECTION: JIM O’BRIEN’S “VITAL ORGANS: VINNIE LASCHEID AND HIS INCIDENTAL SPORTS MUSIC”

CHICAGO - Talk show host Oprah Winfrey announced today that the latest selection for her popular book club is the new tome by prolific Pittsburgh sports author Jim O’Brien chronicling the life and times of long-time Pirates and Penguin organist Vince Lascheid. O'Brien described the book in a dust-jacket blurb as “a loving look at the role played by beloved Pittsburgh organist Vinnie Lascheid in the history of Pittsburgh sports teams that breaks all the rules, especially as it applies to sentence structure, the absence of meaningful editing, and compositional form."

Winfrey lauded O’Brien for his book on Lascheid, calling it “the most inspirational, soul-enriching literary experience [she has] had in years.” O’Brien issued a statement through his publicist, Jim O’Brien, stating that his publisher, also named Jim O’Brien, was immediately printing an additional two million copies. “We think this thing could be bigger than The Da Vinci Code,” said Jim O'Brien, the publisher. Winfrey announced that O’Brien would be appearing in the front lobby of her Harpo Productions Studio, plopped behind his well-traveled card table for the next seven days signing copies of the book. Following his trip to Chicago, O’Brien plans to return home to complete the book he started last week about Mario Lemieux’s retirement. “I’ve got about eight hundred pages so far,” he said. O’Brien said the book, entitled Always a Penguin, should be in stores by Presidents Day. By that time, O'Brien expects to finish at least four more books on "topics not yet decided."