Beatles' fans blame Yoko Ono for breaking up Paul McCartney's marriage

LONDON - Sir Paul McCartney and wife Heather Mills, married since June 2002, have issued a joint statement announcing that they are separating. No specific reasons were given.

Fans of McCartney and the Beatles are publicly accusing Yoko Ono for the break-up, and McCartney has done little to dispel the accusations. He told talk show host Jay Leno Friday night that "yes, there's been a fair amount of friction that she [Yoko Ono] is responsible for." Leno pressed McCartney for specifics, and the ex-Beatle explained: "I can't think of anything specific that she's done but the mere fact that a person like that exists is enough to cause friction, divisiveness, don't you think?"

When Yoko Ono was told that McCartney blamed her for his marriage's break-up, she screamed the word "why" at the top of her lungs for five minutes.

SADDAM RETAINS CHARLES MANSON AS LEAD DEFENSE COUNSEL

National obesity problem causes overcrowding in think tanks

FAT PEOPLE CAUSE POLICY, RESEARCH TANKS TO BURST AT SEAMS
WASHINGTON - The national obesity epidemic has spread to America's think tanks. "Most of the notable think tanks came into existence in the 50's and 60's, when people were much thinner," said Dr. Jingo Bang Director of the Rollings Institute. "These tanks weren't built to hold all the fat people we have today," Dr. Bang said. He explained that most of the major think tanks "were constructed of impervious metals to prevent the possibility of dangerous ideas wafting in from the outside," and that they are incapable of expanding.

The Rollings Institute has come up with a solution: "The fatties have to go," said Dr. Bang. "Only then will I be able to think in here."

X RAY MIX-UP: DOCTORS MISTOOK BARRY BONDS' X RAY FOR BARBARO'S; RACE HORSE IS FINE, BONDS TO BE PUT DOWN

“It’s hard to watch a fellow athlete go down like that . . . my prayers are with him for a full recovery” (San Francisco outfielder Barry Bonds on the injury to Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro, before Bonds realized that doctors were reading his X ray, not Barbaro's, by mistake)

INTERNET STING NABS MAN SOLICITING SEX FROM UNDERCOVER COP, THOUGHT HE WAS SOLICITING UNDERCOVER FBI AGENT

WASHINGTON - Noah Swayne is red-faced this morning after being caught in a wacky internet sting that netted dozens of sickos looking for sex on line. Swayne was seeking a sexual encounter in a chat room he believed was frequented by undercover FBI agents. He proceeded to arrange a rendevouz at a local diner with a woman he thought was an undercover FBI agent who identified herself as "Ms. G-Man/G-Spot."

Swayne got the shock of his life when the woman who showed up at the diner was not an undercover FBI agent but an undercover Pittsburgh police officer. She promptly arrested Swayne for soliciting a sexual encounter for money.

"I am very angry," said Swayne. "All this time I thought I was going to be nabbed by someone connected with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, which is the investigative arm of the Department of Justice -- a cabinet level department. But instead I'm nabbed by some podunk local cop, a nobody. Just how would you feel?"

The Carbolic Smoke Ball Co.

Here is an unsolicited plug -- the first ever by this news source -- for a company that has no connection with us, aside from its fondness for the name "Carbolic Smoke Ball" and the fact that its owner is a fan of our site. (Some of our readers may not know that the name of our news source is taken from one of the most famous contract law cases ever decided, Carlill v. Carbolic Smoke Ball Co., Court of Appeal, 1892, Q.B. 256. Not even I, Rufus Peckham, could have invented this great name from whole cloth.) It is an entire on-line store devoted to unusual products for professionals called Carbolic Smoke Ball Co., and you can access it here: http://www.carbolicsmokeball.com/

If, for example, you are looking for a great gift to ridicule an attorney friend or loved one, this is the place for you. I can spend hours just looking through the wonderful products, novelties and humourous pictures and photos. The fact is I have long admired this fantastic site, and finally I am going to actually purchase something from it. Take a look, and you'll find gift ideas that you can't get at Wal-Mart.

Judge Peckham

Medical update: Pitcher's injuries illustrated on true-to-life model

PITTSBURGH - This true-to-life model of Pirates Pitcher Kip Wells demonstrates the precise spot where he experienced 100% blockage of his axillary artery, the main vessel from the chest to the arm. The blockage was surgically removed and Wells is back throwing again, hoping to return to the starting rotation before the All-Star Game.

Dr. Jingo Bang, Carbolic Smoke Ball Chief Medical Advisor, has diagnosed Wells' real problem as the heavy yellow base to which his feet are melded. "And his head bobbles around, too," said Dr. Bang.

Breaking news: Text of Iran's letter to Bush released, an initiative in global diplomacy

"Carbolic Smoke Ball" fires lead reporter; it turns out every story we've reported was made up!

PITTSBURGH - This news source terminated its lead reporter, Bradleys Roadhouse, last night, when it was discovered that he fabricated every single story we have ever reported.

All the while we believed that we were obtaining major scoops over every other news source when, in reality, Mr. Roadhouse was sitting at his computer concocting the stories from whole cloth.

The unfortunate part is that there are thousands of people around the world who have relied on this site as the sole source of their news. As it turns out, they were woefully misinformed.

We cannot erase the past, but we pledge that the fake news stories end here and now. You have my word on that.

Hon. Rufus Peckham

TED KENNEDY BLAMES LIGHTNING THAT STRUCK HIS AIRPLANE ON HIS PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION

SENATOR INSTINCTIVELY RESORTS TO KENNEDY FAMILY'S STOCK DENIAL OF RESPONSIBILITY

BOSTON - An eight-seat Cessna Citation 550 carrying Senator Edward M. Kennedy from North Adams to Cape Cod was struck by lightning, causing a loss of electrical power including communication with the ground. The pilot, forced to fly manually, diverted the plane to New Haven, where he landed safely.

On the ground, reporters asked Senator Kennedy about the near-disaster, and without hesitation the Senator pulled out a dog-eared, crumpled paper labeled

"Kennedy Accident Speech." The statement read as follows:

"The people of Massachussetts are entitled to a full explanation for today's unfortunate events. Let me make clear that I take full responsibility for these most regrettable occurrences. While it is no excuse, my judgment and my perception were severely impaired by the prescription medications I am taking under doctor's orders for a back injury I sustained while serving the downtrodden during the presidential administration of my late brother, Saint -- I mean, President John F. Kennedy. I and my family, including my late brother President John F. Kennedy, my late brother Senator Robert F. Kennedy, and my late brother, war hero and patriot Joseph Kennedy, have devoted our lives to public service and to you, and I solemnly pledge to continue to serve in that selfless tradition despite today's events, which were totally beyond my control and for which I take full responsibility."

W.Va. "MOTHMAN" TOWN ADOPTS NEW MYSTERY CREATURE TO BOOST TOURISM: G. OGDEN NUTTING

POINT PLEASANT, W.VA. - Point Pleasant, West Virginia, the tiny West Virginia village that calls itself home to "The Mothman," the man-sized beast with wings and large reflective red eyes that reputedly terrorizes the townspeople, is adopting a new mythical West Virginia creature to help boost tourism: mysterious newspaper tycoon and principal owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates G. Ogden Nutting.

"Frankly, we haven't had a Mothman sighting for quite some time," said Mayor Jingo Bang, "and the tourism was slipping. We needed to come up with something, so I spoke with the town officials at Loch Ness [in Scotland] about cutting a deal to bring their mysertious creature here. That fell through because they said the monster doesn't like to travel anymore, but then our town council said, 'Mayor, we've already got a mysterious creature of our own right under our noses -- Mr. Nutting!'"

“Oggie” is the official name conferred on Mr. Nutting by the Point Pleasant Chamber of Commerse. “We thought our tourists would connect with ‘Oggie’ like they have with ‘Nessie’ [the Loch Ness Monster in Scottland],” said Mayor Bang.

"Oggie" has long been the subject of wild speculation in these parts of West Virginia. “Some people don’t believe he exists, but I saw him myself up at the old power plant back in ’66,” said local barber Perry Comosinski. “Oggie’s eyes weren’t as red as the Mothman's – that’s how I could tell the difference. But he's every bit as scary.”

Not everyone is in favor of adopting Oggie. Like the Mothman, it is rumored that whenever Oggie appears, tragic things occur. "That's a real concern," said Mayor Bang. "After all," the Mayor shudders, "look at that terrible thing that happened to Pittsburgh when he showed up -- the Pittsburgh Pirates!"

BLOGFEST TURNS UGLY

STRIPPER FROM DUKE LACROSSE PARTY PERFORMS AT PITTSBURGH'S BLOGFEST, MAKES SIMILAR ALLEGATIONS

PITTSBURGH - Last Friday's semi-annual gathering of Pittsburgh's blogging community at Finnegan's Wake on General Robinson Street ended tragically with the arrest of three local bloggers on charges of sexual assault lodged by a stripper hired to entertain at the affair. The stripper is the same woman who made headlines last month making similar allegations about certain members of the Duke University lacrosse team. The stripper's name is being withheld in accordance with the policy of this news source not to print the names of persons allegedly assaulted at Blogfest.

Blogfest organizer and international blogging guru Mike Woycheck, pictured above dancing with the stripper, hired the young woman to appear at the event. "They don't call me 'Grabass' for nothing, you know," Woycheck explained. "I just thought it would be a real hoot, you know, to have a celebrity stripper for a change, instead of the local women we always use," Woycheck said. "I guess I miscalculated." But Woycheck refutes the stripper's allegations and claims that "nothing untoward" occurred at the gathering "other than when my sock fell off." Woycheck refused to reveal the names of the bloggers arrested. "Let me give you a clue," Woycheck sarcastically told a reporter. "They are all political commentators critical of the way things are done around here. That should narrow it to a couple thousand possible suspects."

Woycheck dismisses as unfair Blogfest's reputation for alcohol-driven, sexual antics. "Look," said Woycheck emphatically, "the people who attend Blogfest are perched alone in front of their computers for inordinate amounts of time. Outside of Blogfest, they have little, if any, contact with other human beings, so is it any wonder they don't know what's appropriate behavior?" Woycheck chuckles. "That's why hiring that stripper was such a stroke of genius. Like throwing steak to the hungry lions."

Woycheck can't predict Blogfest's future. "It's getting a little tiresome," he sighs. "Every Blogfest, it's the same thing: Police swarming the place, collecting DNA samples, etc. I think next time we'll just do Blogfest on line so that we don't take our people out of their natural habitat. Less dangerous that way."

"Lest any of you doubt my powers, I will now make the bald man just below the giant Pepsi sign disappear."

NSA says most Americans do not think agency is monitoring private phone calls

NSA SAYS AMERICANS EXPRESSED THIS OPINION IN PRIVATE PHONE CALLS IT MONITORED

WASHINGTON - The National Security Agency reports that most Americans do not believe that it is monitoring private phone calls but is merely tracking certain information relating to foreigners "vital to the war on terror." According to the NSA, this was the "overwhelming" consensus expressed by Americans in private phone calls it monitors.

The NSA also reports:

The inane telephone discussions among teenagers remained the agency's choice for "best comedic relief." The most amusing of all, they say, "were the ones involving ham-handed attempts at courtship."

Older women, the NSA reveals, often repeat themselves in telephone discussions with their peers, which is also a source of amusement for the agents monitoring calls.

Black women scream into the phone more than other groups, and most NSA agents do not enjoy monitoring their calls because of that.

"Numerous" fender benders occur while Americans are driving while using their cell phones.

The daughter of Pleasant Hills, Pennsylvania resident Carol Murray plans to lose her viginity on June 10, the last day of high school.

PPG Building to cover over famous see-through glass bathroom walls, cites priggish complaints of older workers

PITTSBURGH - Since its construction in 1984, the soaring main tower of PPG Place, designed by acclaimed architect Philip Johnson and his partner John Burgee, has been known the world over not just for its distinctive exterior glass design with the majestic rooftop spires, but also for the glass "see through" walls separating every room inside, even the bathrooms. For decades, persons of prurient and exhibitionist dispositions have sought employment in the so-called crystal palace hoping to -- er -- see or be seen. But all that's about to change. The building's management has started to cover over the see-through bathroom walls to respond to "numerous complaints about lack of privacy." Some PPG Place employees aren't happy about it.

Bradleys Roadhouse, President and CEO of PPG Industries Inc. and an avowed exhibitionist said in a rare interview that he is ready to call it a career and cash in on his lucrative "golden parachute" retirement package. "There's no reason for me to stay here if I can't show off my [tallywacker]," Roadhouse said bluntly. "They're taking all the glamour, all the sizzle out of PPG Place, and we can thank the priggish old maids for that. If Philip Johnson were alive, they'd never get away with this, trust me. Maybe if those old hens ever had access to a [tallywacker] they wouldn't blush and recoil at the very sight of it."

NATION'S MOST WANTED FUGITIVE IMPLORES FEDS TO PURSUE HIM WITH SAME ZEAL IT USES TO PURSUE BIN LADEN

"THEY SHOULD LEAVE ME ALONE BECAUSE IT'S ENOUGH THAT THEY'VE 'MARGINALIZED' AND 'NEUTRALIZED' ME."

WASHINGTON - Donald Eugene Webb, on the FBI's "Most Wanted" list longer than any fugitive in history, is wanted in connection with the murder on December 4, 1980 of the police chief in Saxonburg, Pennsylvania, who was shot twice at close range after being brutally beaten about the head and face with a blunt instrument.

No one had heard from Webb for more than a quarter century until last week when he sent a message to the New York Times that law enforcement officials describe as cordial. Webb said that he wanted his pursuers to know that they have him "boxed in," that he can't misbehave because the slightest misconduct would "raise [his] profile and lead to [his] capture." Therefore, he suggested, "the Feds should pursue me with the same diligence and zeal they are employing to track down Osama bin Laden, who killed 3,000 people, as opposed to the one person I killed. Just like bin Laden, I have been, to quote President Bush, 'marginalized,' and, to quote Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, 'neutralized.' I respectfully suggest that my pursuers adopt the attitude President Bush has toward bin Laden: 'I truly am not that concerned about him.' Perhaps they could channel their anger against me toward someone else instead. You know, just like Bush went after Saddam instead of bin Laden."

An FBI agent, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the rules applicable to bin Laden do not apply to Webb. The agent explained: "We only say that 'marginalized' stuff about bin Laden because we haven't been able to get him."

"Beetle Bailey" Porn Scandal

EDITORIAL - We are aghast to report that last Sunday's edition of the venerable comic strip "Beetle Bailey" in newspapers across America invented an appalling new dictionary entry for the word "depravity."

The strip--a fitting word--contained a panel that unabashedly flaunted the stark, flesh-tone image of an unclad Private Bailey. This decadence was disguised as the supposedly humorous depiction of the well-known soldier slipping in the shower. The Army hat adorning Beetle only served to crank up the kinkiness factor. 

 We have long celebrated "Beetle Bailey's" creator, Mort Walker, not only as a comic genius on a par with Mark Twain and S.J. Perelman but also as a patriot and, therefore, presumably a good Protestant and Republican. We are, therefore, crestfallen to find him wallowing in the same cesspool as Larry Flynt. 

With no offense to our gay readers, this strip's sexual orientation has always been consonant with the American majority's, given General Halftrack's unrestrained lechery directed toward Miss Buxley. For millions of us, the General's heterosexual hijinks -- albeit degrading to women -- only underscored that the antics of the Camp Swampy gang were wholly suitable for a family audience. 

All that changed when Mr. Walker constructed a de facto shrine to an au naturel Beetle -- and there wasn't a female in sight. 

Perhaps this sort of thing plays well at the Warhol but it doesn't go over in the back of the Assembly Church where, because of Mr. Walker, the stacks of newspapers being hawked after Sunday services have become near-occasions of sin. 

My Sunday newspaper is delivered in a green plastic wrapper. With people like Mort "Caligula" Walker contributing to it, we are afraid they'll have the change the wrapper's color to brown.

AMAZING BUT TRUE: UMPIRE BRUSHES DIRT FROM HOME PLATE TO FIND IT IS -- HIS OWN GRAVESTONE

COOPERSTOWN, NY - In baseball's long and colorful history, no story is more amazing than the one that occurred at PNC Park in Pittsuburgh on May 12. When homeplate umpire Bob Haas reached over to dust off the plate -- he saw that the plate was really a gravestone -- HIS gravestone!

Stunned, Haas looked up and saw that the batter coming to the plate was -- HIS FATHER, even though his father has been dead for thirty years. The father had an angelic glow about him, and he sported large angel wings. The father guided Haas over to the visitor's dugout, and Haas climbed the two steps down only to discover that he was -- in heaven! Haas was never heard form again, but if you look at homeplate at PNC Park, you will see his gravestone.

Every word of this story is true. If you have a true-life ghost story, send it to: thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com

"Bad news, Bishop. We just spoke with the Pope -- that Washington thing is off."

STATE LEGISLATORS RALLY ON STEPS OF POST-GAZETTE, DEMAND REMOVAL OF COLUMNIST BRIAN O’NEILL

PITTSBURGH - With the May primary only days away, the entire membership of the Pennsylvania General Assembly held a noontime rally on the steps of the Post-Gazette Building downtown today demanding the removal of longtime Post-Gazette columnist and Brian O’Neill. O’Neill has been a frequent critic of the General Assembly.

Speaker of the House John Perzel addressed the crowd of four hundred and thirty five legislators and exhorted them to take action against O'Neill, the individual many representatives hold responsible for the firestorm of negative publicity surrounding the controversial “pay raise” passed by the General Assembly in the wee hours of the morning last July. The pay raise was subsequently repealed, but outraged representatives haven’t forgotten.

“We are here to send a message today that we will no longer accept this kind of behavior as business as usual!” screamed Perzel. “To do nothing in the face of these kinds of attacks from O’Neill is an affront to the dignity of every member of the House and Senate, assuming we have any.”

Perzel urged General Assembly members to go back to Harrisburg determined to contact residents of their district and ask them to write letters to the editor of the Post-Gazette urging that O’Neill be removed. He also said they should request their constituents call talk shows to vent about what he called O'Neill’s “obscene publicity grab” at the expense of the General Assembly.

“Let’s throw the bum out!” said Perzel, to a raucous cheer from his colleagues.

TERRORIST GROUPS HAVING TROUBLE MEETING SUICIDE BOMBER QUOTAS, MAY HAVE TO INSTITUTE DRAFT

BAGHDAD - A report by the Rand Commission released today indicates that many terrorist organizations are having trouble meeting recruiting goals for suicide bombers, and if current trends continue, may have to institute a draft in order to achieve goals such as the destruction of Israel, or the United States. The study was conducted over a six month period in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, and Egypt, as well as the Gaza Strip and the West Bank.

The report, commissioned by a Joint Task Force on Martyrdom consisting of members of Islamic Jihad, Hamas, and Al-Qaeda, cites a growing number of reasons why many young militants are willing to explore alternatives to blowing themselves up when it comes time to choose a career. The chairman of the Rand Commission, Dr. Maurice Williams, said the reason most often cited by potential martyrs was a “lack of room for advancement.” He explained: “Most kids today don’t want to be stuck in a dead-end job for the rest of their lives. Or, in the case of a suicide bomber, for the rest of eternity.”

Williams also said the promise of “seven virgins in paradise” as a reward for committing a terrorist act “just doesn’t have the attraction it once had.” The study recommends adding an additional five to seven virgins, of various shapes and ethnic backgrounds, as a way to entice candidates to consider suicide bombing as a vocation.

The study also called for more virulently anti-Semitic and anti-Western programming on Arab television as a way of increasing feelings of rage and alienation among impressionable youth who may be inclined toward more peaceful, conventional ways of making a living.

National Cliché Institute closing its doors, "exactly" reason for demise

WASHINGTON - For more than a century, the National Cliché Institute has gauged popular culture by studying the trite and worn-out phrases Americans use, including "three square meals a day," "like taking candy from a baby," and "I'll pull a few strings." But the Institute has struggled to make ends meet for several years, and yesterday it announced it is closing its doors for good next week because all the hackneyed phrases of the past have been replaced by one word -- "exactly!"

Professor Noah Swayne, curator of the Institute for 33 years, has nothing but disdain for exactly!" Swayne explained: "It's a word bereft of imagination. Whatever happened to the day when people could string together a moderately complex cliché, such as: 'You took the words right out of my mouth?'"

For the past several years, Professor Swayne had hoped that the phrase "sounds like a plan" might catch on, but "it never met our expectations. The people who had been using it apparently realized they sounded like idiots, so it's quickly fallen out of favor."

But there is hope on the horizon, Swayne explained. "There is one phrase that is catching on -- excuse the cliché -- like wildfire, and it is this: 'At the end of the day.'" Swayne claims to have heard one speaker use this phrase no fewer than eight times in less than two minutes. He clasps his hands with delight. "If that one keeps going the way it is, I suspect we'll be back in business by the end of summer."

And that, presumably, would make the Professor happier than a pig in mud.

"Exactly!" he said.

LOCAL NEWS DIRECTORS LOBBY CONGRESS FOR CONFIRMATION OF HOMETOWN SPY TO HEAD CIA

WASHINGTON - In a rare show of unity, the news directors of all three local network affiliates have submitted a joint statement to Congress urging the immediate confirmation of Pittsburgh native General Michael Hayden as head of the Central Intelligence Agency.

KDKA news director John Verrilli said the statement was being submitted to the Senate Intelligence Committee in the hope that the matter would be resolved prior to the completion of the May ratings "sweeps" period.

A copy of the statement was made available to The Carbolic Smoke Ball. It reads, in part "that the hard scrabble childhood of General Hayden growing up on the North Side of Pittsburgh provides local stations with opportunities to present compelling visual images to our viewers that would create interest in what is otherwise a non-story."

It goes on to cite Hayden's youth football days, where he was coached by the venerable Dan Rooney, as a critical factor determining his qualifications for the position."Hayden's connection to Rooney, however distant, gives him a connection to the Pittsburgh Steelers, however tenuous, and that provides us with a crucial local angle to justify fifteen seconds of broadcast time."

All three news directors have promised wall-to-wall coverage of our "hometown spy" should Hayden be confirmed. WTAE is promoting a one-hour interview with Sally Wiggin, teasing viewers by promising to show them "the question that made General Hayden cry."

KDKA human interest reporter Dave Crawley has composed an epic poem celebrating Hayden, and WPXI is donating live, pinpoint Doppler Eleven radar to the Federal Government so that the nominee can be informed when severe weather is imminent. Confirmation hearings are scheduled to begin next week.

Editor's Forum: New exclusive website for the affluent

PITTSBURGH - We thank the reader who alerted us to an exclusive website for the affluent -- a discussion board that charges $10,000 for membership:

http://www.affluentbb.com.

The philosphy of this discussion board is as follows: "Affluence has its perks but it has its own special headaches that other people don't understand. Life happens to affluent people too. We need a place for us to share anonymously with our peers and to just make contact without everyone trying to take advantage. A place where we can just relax and be ourselves and feel completely secure and private."

The $10,000 fee at first struck us as excessive. After all, The Carbolic Smoke Ball is dedicated to assisting the downtrodden and hesitates to recommend that scarce resources be diverted for any other cause. However, the more we considered the issue, we began to ask ourselves -- just how much money do these downtrodden really need? We are constantly giving and giving, and yet we are told that there are still downtrodden in our midst! Frankly, that scarcely seems plausible.

Accordingly, we happily endorse this hefty expenditure since it will enable the affluent to interact with their peers without having to pretend that they are no better than common folk. The fact of the matter is, they are better, and the common folk need to stop kidding themselves otherwise.

Write to us at thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

People of Curacao declare me a deity

Thank you, the good people of Curacao, for your kindness in declaring me a deity and dedicating the above "Judge Rufus Peckham Church" last week. (This is a picture of the South Wall of the Church depicting me standing in Curacao's charming market district.) Generally, if I stopped to acknowledge all the accolades from my well-wishers, I'd have precious little time to carry out my mission of service to the downtrodden. But I take time to ackowledge this honor as a way to publicize Curacao's all-important tourism industry and to condemn the Caribbean's rising South American drug trade.

Sincerely,
The Honorable Rufus Peckham

CASTRO'S NOTE TO US APPARENTLY DENIES HE HAS PARKINSON'S DISEASE, BUT IS DIFFICULT TO READ BECAUSE OF THE TREMORS

WE SALUTE THE LOCAL NEWS MEDIA UNAFRAID TO TELL THE TRUTH

EDITORIAL - Faithful readers of this news source fully understand that if we stopped to acknowledge all the accolades we receive, we would have precious little time to serve the downtrodden.

We make the following exception not for ourselves, but to salute the courageous members of our local news media at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and the Pittsburgh City Paper who quite literally risk their lives to report the truth by citing this news source in their publications.

The following is from the current edition of the Pittsburgh City Paper, which has cited us again (to read the article, click here):

See also: City Paper 12/15/05 and City Paper 1/26/06

Of course, we also salute Post-Gazette writing guru Peter Leo. Mr. Leo not only is a brilliant writer, as is his famous brother John, but he proved he has impeccable taste by his references to this news source. Post-Gazette 1/25/05 (to read this landmark article, click here):

Post-Gazette 11/08/05 (to read the article, click here):

See also: Post-Gazette 11/29/05, 12/06/05, 1/26/06 and 2/08/06

THANK YOU!

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

BREAKING NEWS: NOMINEE TO HEAD CIA, GEN. MICHAEL HAYDEN, HAS PITTSBURGH CONNECTION

WASHINGTON - President Bush's pick to lead the embattled Central Intelligence Agency, Air Force General Michael Hayden, made Pittsburgh proud today when he mentioned his hometown in rambling remarks at the White House:

"I actually got my start in the world of espionage when I was fifteen-years old by spying on my seventeen-year old sister at our house on Langley Avenue in Pittsburgh. Sis would sneak her boyfriend, nineteen-year old Brad Davis, up to her bedroom after my parents went to sleep, and I guess you could say I would monitor their activities. And, this kid Brad -- oh, man, this kid was just so damn well-endowed. Wow! And to be honest, that kind of gave me a complex that I'm still having issues with, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, I began using progessively more sophisticated spy tools until I had honed my skills to the point where I was able to sell a video of their clandestine lovemaking, actually it was a three-volume set. It's my understanding, by the way, this video is still available at some of the larger adult novelty shops. And I used the money I made from that endeavor to put myself through the Air Force Academy, and the rest is history."

Excepts from Abu Musab al-Zarqawi blooper video tape

REP. PATRICK KENNEDY LASHES OUT AT PRESS: THE KENNEDYS ARE HELD TO "TOO HIGH A STANDARD"

WASHINGTON - Representative Patrick Kennedy (D -R.I.) the 38-year old son of Senator Ted Kennedy, crashed his car into a barrier on Capital Hill at 3 a.m. Thursday. Police say he staggered from the car and appeared drunk but no sobriety tests were conducted. Kennedy claims that prescription medication caused him to appear to be drunk.

Now Congressman Kennedy is lashing out at the news media for reporting the story. In a press conference this morning, Kennedy claimed that the media "consistently holds the Kennedy family to a higher standard" than anyone else in public life.

"Other people in the public eye get away with far more egregious misconduct," Kennedy said. "Everything from vehicular manslaughter, to sexual indiscretions in the oval office, to rape, to drug abuse and cocaine addiction, even murder. Heaven help the Kennedys if we were ever involved in any of those things -- the media would crucify us, and we'd never be able to rear our heads in public."

A reporter quickly reminded the Congressman that the Kennedys have been involved in all of those things. Kennedy abruptly ended the press conference and hurried out of the room.

TED KENNEDY FUMING OVER SON PATRICK'S "CAR TROUBLE"

TED OVERHEARD REPRIMANDING PATRICK: "YOU'VE DISREGARDED EVERYTHING I EVER TAUGHT YOU. REMEMBER? DITCH THE CAR IN THE WATER AND LAY LOW UNTIL YOU'RE SOBER!"

MARKET FORCES BLAMED FOR DEATH OF JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH

BOSTON - A blue-ribbon panel of the world's leading economists will issue a report today blaming the death of ninety-seven year old John Kenneth Galbraith on market forces. Galbraith died at his home in Cambridge last Saturday.

An advance copy of the report, made available to The Carbolic Smoke Ball, reveals that Galbraith’s lungs were not able to sustain the levels of oxygen consumption necessary to meet the voracious requirements of his heart to continue beating. “It’s the classic case of supply not keeping up with demand,” said Dr. Milton Gabler of the University of Chicago’s School of Business.

“What happened to John’s body is not dissimilar to the situation consumers are facing regarding the high cost of fuel," Dr. Gabler said. "Eventually, our consumption will outpace our ability to produce, or replenish the necessary energy required to continue productivity. Or, as in the case of Dr. Galbraith, to continue living.”

As an aside, Dr. Gabler called upon all Americans to voluntarily reduce the amount of oxygen they are currently using in an effort to become less energy dependant. “It never hurts to have an oxygen surplus,” said Gabler.

While calling the death of Dr. Galbraith “tragic,” Dr. Gabler said the panel refused to endorse additional government regulations in an effort to avoid future deaths. “I believe there is a great invisible hand attached to an invisible deity that is guiding us all. We’ve just got to let that invisible hand take care of these things.”

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS UNION LEADER ASSAILS MOUNT LEBANON “HOT GIRLS” LIST MAKERS

PITTSBURGH - The head of the Allegheny County Construction Workers Union Local 249 held a press conference today to condemn the work of the anonymous boy – or boys – responsible for compiling a list of the “top twenty-five hottest girls” at elite and posh Mount Lebanon, Pennsylvania High School.

“Nobody knows hot girls like construction workers,” said Union President McKinley Morganfield. “And we’re not shy about letting everybody know how we feel. When a construction worker sees a good looking woman, he’d never dream of objectifying, or degrading her by putting his thoughts in writing. In my day, a gentleman was taught to express his satisfaction at the sight of a female with wolf-whistles, pretending to bay at the moon, panting, or simply letting his tongue drop to the sidewalk. Apparently, times have changed, and not for the better.”

Morganfield added “the boys responsible for this list ought to get out from behind their computer terminals and sit on a retaining wall somewhere, preferably near an area with a high volume of pedestrian traffic, to understand what it means to leer at a woman in a socially acceptable way."

In a related story, the Mount Lebanon School Board is holding public hearings this evening to determine whether or not the district should reinstate the controversial International Chivalry Course that was cancelled earlier this year. The course, taught by surviving members of the Knights Templar, requires all male students to take a vow of chastity, poverty and obedience, spend a minimum of three weekends per month questing, and insists that the desire for sexual gratification be channeled into something more productive, like plundering. A survey conducted in light of this recent scandal showed a majority of parents favored the reinstatement of the program.

Actual email forwarded to this news source

As our faithful readers know, this news source does not typically reprint messages we receive, nor do we tout the media recognition accorded us. (Frankly, if we stopped to acknowledge all the accolades heaped upon us, we would have precious little time to carry out our mission.) We make an exception to reprint the following thought-provoking email message we received last week from a European reader, as well as our response.


THE MESSAGE:

Germany will forbid a POPE Satire.

GOD begins with G. like GERMAN

www.chartaland.de


OUR RESPONSE:

Dear www.chartaland.de:

Thank you for your very thought-provoking note.

A team of scholars well-versed in hieroglyphics has been studying your missive since it arrived to try to make sense out of it. They are also carefully examining the website you reference to assess whether you are, as we say in the United States of America, a crackpot.

To date, their work has not yielded conclusive results.

In any event, The Carbolic Smoke Ball thanks you for writing, whatever your purpose might have been.

Hon. Rufus Peckham
United States of America

BISHOP ASSIGNED TO PICK UP POPE BENEDICT AT AIRPORT ACCIDENTALLY PICKS UP SOMEBODY ELSE -- ALSO NAMED "POPE BENEDICT"

NEW YORK - Bishop Donald Wuerl of Pittsburgh was given the honor of picking up Pope Benedict XVI at New York's Kennedy Airport on the Pontiff's first visit to the United States last night, but Wuerl had a problem: he had no idea what the Pope looked like.

"I was so used to the old Pope [John Paul II] that I have a hard time envisioning anybody else in the role," Wuerl said. "I guess the best analogy I can make, for people of a certain age and mentality, is when they replaced Curly with Shemp. It just wasn't right."

"But I'm afraid I just don't know what this Pope Benedict looks like. I mean, I know 'Eggs Benedict'; I know 'Benedict Arnold'; I even know 'Arnold Palmer.' But Pope Benedict? Sure, I've seen pictures, but he looks like a thousand other older guys," said Wuerl.

New York's Cardinal Egan came up with a solution. He ordered that a sign be made for Wuerl to hold at the airport with the current Pope's name on it.

Wuerl held the sign at the airport, but he still picked up the wrong guy. "It was the weirdest thing," Wuerl said. "The guy I picked up also happened to be named Pope Benedict. Turns out he's a regional manager for Radio Shack, but we really hit it off so we took in a ballgame at Shea, and he gave me a bunch of gift certificates from Radio Shack."

"I'm sorry I left the Pontiff stranded at the airport," Wuerl said, "but I did get this cool walkie-talkie set."

NOTE: BISHOP WUERL REFUSED TO RECREATE THE SCENE AT THE AIRPORT FOR THIS STORY SO THE PHOTOGRAPH ABOVE DEPICTS AN ACTOR PORTRAYING WUERL

FCC FINES JACK BOGUT FOR EXCEEDING FEDERAL DECENCY STANDARDS

WASHINGTON - The Federal Communication Commission has levied a hefty five million dollar fine against popular WJAS morning host and long-time Pittsburgh radio personality Jack Bogut for “willfully and maliciously violating Federal decency standards.”

The fine is a result of an ongoing investigation prompted by a complaint from a parent that stated, in part: “While traveling with my children, I had the misfortune of listening to Mr. Bogut’s show, and was forced to endure an hour without belching, flatulence, obscenities, or discussions about male or female genitalia." According to the complaint, the show made the listener “uncomfortable" and "forced" the listener "to explain to his children that not all people are this nice.”

FCC Chairman Kevin J. Martin said, in a statement released this morning: “The warm, folksy content of Mr. Bogut’s show consistently exceeds the maximum amount of congressionally-approved, acceptable levels of decency permitted over the airwaves. Mr. Bogut's stubborn refusal to moderate his dignified behavior to comport with modern-day community standards of appropriateness is an affront to listeners everywhere.”

When Bogut’s WJAS morning show colleague and the station's Marketing Director Chris Shovlin informed Mr. Bogut of the FCC decision, the normally affable host flew into a rage. “Doggone it,” he said. “If this doesn’t put a bee in my bonnet. Darn it, didn't the FCC hear that story I told about the cow manure on my recent trip home to Montana? I mean, that was so edgy I had to wait till the kids were in school to tell it.” Bogut then launched into a long, perfectly modulated, soothing disquisition concerning his desire to leave his current employer for a job in the satellite radio industry. “I can’t do my show anymore with these types of restrictions. I’m tempted to say the heck with it all and hook on with Howard Stern's network, where Bogut can be Bogut.”

NEW LAW WILL REQUIRE REMEDIAL GRAMMAR TRAINING FOR BLUE-COLLAR MALES TO AVOID USE OF UNTRIGGERED REFLEXIVE

Example: "Bob and myself are responsible for that decision"

HARRISBURG, PA - Pennsylvania Governor Edward G. Rendell, touting himself as "The Grammar Governor," signed into law today a controversial bill mandating ten hours per year remedial training for all Pennsylvania blue collar caucasian males to teach them to avoid using the untriggered reflexive. The law is believed to be the first of its kind in the United States.

The Governor explained the impetus for the legislation: "The improper use of the reflexive pronoun among caucasian blue collar males has reached epidemic proportions in Pennsylvania, requiring immediate correction. In their zeal to present themselves as intelligent, the members of this class all too frequently come off as pompous buffoons by saying things such as: 'Bob and myself are responsible for that decision,'" Rendell explained. "This training will be difficult since such persons typically believe that they already know everything."

The Governor also announced that a bill will be introduced tomorrow in the state senate to fund emergency remedial training to teach black females not to scream at the top of their lungs into cell phones. "I will give you an example," he said. The Governor somberly imitated a black female angrily screaming into a cell phone: "''YOU TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID! YOU TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID!' 'YOU TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID!"

MIT STUDY SHOWS THAT HEAT AT ADEQUATE TEMPERATURES CAN PREVENT FREEZING

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At the American Chemical Society meeting in Washington, D.C., this week, scientists from MIT explained that a three year study shows how heat, at adequate temperatures, can actually prevent freezing. Dr. Emil Tanaka of MIT said that the findings confirmed what many scientists had long suspected. The announcement came as a victory for MIT since scientists from Ohio State, with more significant funding, have been working on a similar study but have not yet made any announcements about their findings.