SAGO MINE SURVIVOR'S WIFE EXPECTING CHILD, FETUS SAID TO "FEEL TRAPPED"

SIMPSON, W.Va. - In what doctors are calling a "miracle," Randal McCloy, Jr., the sole survivor of the Sago Mine disaster, and his wife Anna are expecting their third child in the spring.

But McCloy, Jr. says he believes the fetus "feels trapped" and is signaling its location within the womb to be rescued by pounding and hammering on the uterine lining. McCloy also said he is concerned that the fetus' emergency oxygen pack may not be functioning, so he has called for stepped-up rescue efforts "before the child is overcome by methane gas."

Anna McCloy had no comment.

SHAKEN WARHOL CURATOR FINDS STASH OF DOG-EARED PLAYBOY MAGAZINES IN ANDY WARHOL'S PERSONAL COLLECTION

"HE WAS A FLAMING HETEROSEXUAL!" SOBS CURATOR TOM SOKOLOWSKI; MUSEUM'S CACHET DESTROYED

PITTSBURGH - Tom Sokolowski, curator of the Warhol Museum, held a tearful press conference this morning to announce that the museum has discovered a box belonging to Andy Warhol, previously unopened since the famous artist's death in 1987, that contains a stash of dog-eared Playboy Magazines. Warhol's distinctive doodling appears "on numerous pages" throughout the collection, Sokolowski explained.

Sokolowski said that the box was discovered in May and that he initially "felt certain" the magazines could not have belonged to Warhol. "Unfortunately,after a series of scientific tests, the magazines were found to contain traces of disturbing, frankly vile, DNA evidence showing conclusively that Mr. Warhol utilized the magazines," Sokolowski explained without further elaboration. At this point, the shaken curator burst into tears and had to be led from the room.

Experts are divided as to the long-term effect the discovery will have on Warhol's reputation and the museum's future. Sokolowski candidly told a reporter that "they might as well shut down the joint today."

The Warhol Museum also confirmed that experts are investigating the authenticity of the contents of another box allegedly belonging to Warhol that contains gun and hunting magazines.

LOCAL TRAFFIC REPORTER CAN’T STOP TELLING PEOPLE BEST WAYS TO REACH THEIR DESTINATION, BROADCASTS ALTERNATIVE ROUTES THROUGH BUFFET, COMMUNION LINES

PITTSBURGH - KDKA Traffic Reporter Jim Lokay can’t stop talking about traffic. “I don’t get invited to a lot of parties,” he said. “But when I do, I find myself looking at the progress of the buffet line. That’s when I spring into action, telling people about the slowdowns around the salad-dressing interchange, with heavy delays as you approach the entrées and some minor congestion as you approach the dessert and beverage off-ramps.” Lokay concedes that his obsession with the orderly flow of traffic might be off-putting to some people. “Oh, I think the majority of folks appreciate my help. Hey, when you’re hungry, you want accurate, dependable, up-to-the minute information about when you can expect to reach your destination. It’s what I do.”

Not everybody is thrilled with Lokay’s work. Father Michael Loftus, Pastor at St. Joan of Arc Roman Catholic Church, said he has asked Lokay repeatedly to stop interfering with the ushers leading the congregation to communion. “This gentleman stands in the vestibule and says things like ‘If you’re looking to receive the sacramental wine along with the body of Christ this morning, give yourself a little extra time as all aisles leading to the main altar are bumper to bumper.’ This behavior is inappropriate and distracting, to say the least.” Lokay admits he may have crossed the line a time or two, but says he can’t help himself. “It’s what I do.”

Lokay will be working the viewing of Sean Cannon at Devlin’s Funeral Home this evening from seven to nine p.m. He recommends that mourners enter the side door, as there are several large flower arrangements to the north of the casket causing heavy delays for mourners.

PRESIDENT BUSH, ANGRY AT INVITATION ADDRESSED TO “THE GREAT SATAN,” DECLINES DEBATE OFFER FROM IRANIAN PRESIDENT

WASHINGTON - President Bush has decided not to accept an invitation from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran to hold a televised debate on world issues. President Ahmadinejad is known throughout the Middle East as a champion debater. He became instantly famous in the Islamic world with an answer given to Bernard al-Shaw of Al Jazeera in a debate held during the most recent Iranian Presidential race. When al-Shaw asked Ahmadinejad how he would respond if his wife Kitty was brutally beaten and raped, Ahmadinejad didn’t hesitate. “Bernie, if my wife Kitty was raped, I would do what any man would do. I would kill her. With my bare hands.” Many Iranian analysts feel this answer propelled Ahmadinejad to victory.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow told reporters that President Bush was “insulted” when he noticed his invitation was addressed to “The Great Satan.” Snow explained: “There is a certain amount of protocol involved when heads of state communicate with one another. Apparently, President Ahmadinejad doesn’t understand that civility and good manners are of paramount importance when it comes to international diplomacy.” Snow said the language used by the Iranian President on the envelope sent to President Bush was a “feeble attempt” to associate himself with legendary deceased cleric Ayatollah Khomeini. “Let me tell you something, President Ahmadinejad,” said Snow. “I knew Ayatollah Khomeini. Ayatollah Khomeini was a friend of mine. President Ahmadinejad, you’re no Ayatollah Khomeini.”

Mr. Snow also said President Bush was “deeply disturbed” at news the Iranian Parliament had voted five-hundred to zero against Mr. Bush’s request for an amendment to the Iranian Constitution banning the burning of the American flag. When asked if the President was also deeply disturbed about Iran’s refusal to suspend its uranium enrichment program, Snow nodded. “That too,” he said.

JOHN MARK KARR TAPPED TO HOST NEW VERSION OF TO TELL THE TRUTH

HOLLYWOOD - John Mark Karr, the man who falsely claimed to have killed JonBenet Ramsey, has been named the host of the latest incarnation of the classic game show To Tell the Truth. The show's premise is for each of three contestants to claim to be the same person while the celebrity panelists question them to smoke out the real McCoy from the liars.

The show's producers Mark Goodson and Bill Todman are "extremely excited" to have a liar of Karr's caliber as the show's host. "When you're doing a show about liars," Todman explained, "you need to establish credibility with the audience by having a host that everyone truly believes is a liar. It's really a trust issue."

Karr will not be able to start his hosting duties until he clears up child pornography charges in California, and then he'll need to take a month off for gender reassignment therapy, Todman said. But Todman is OK with the delay. "This is a dynamic individual who's into a lot of different things," he said. "We think having a multi-dimensioned host, who is a proven liar, is good for the show."

During Karr's absence, former President Bill Clinton, who was impeached for lying under oath, will pinch-hit.

JUDGE PECKHAM FILLS IN FOR "DEAR ABBY"

DEAR ABBY: I am thinking about trying something unusual, and I would like your opinion. I am a divorced mother of two who is fortunate to have an excellent relationship with my ex-husband and his wife. We all believe that the children come first. For many reasons, I believe the best arrangement may be for all of us to live together. My ex and his wife could have the upstairs, I would have the basement. We would not have to venture into each other's space unless invited, but the children would have easy access to all of us. Have you ever heard of this working? -- L.C. IN MISSOURI

DEAR L.C. IN MISSOURI: Yes, L.C., I've seen this arrangement work quite well -- when practiced by the Mbuti pygmies of the Ituri Rainforest. I strongly suggest that if you have an urge to live as a primitive savage, you move at once to the Rainforest where you will be free to practice whatever morally destitute custom suits your depraved fancy. You apparently have never been exposed to the Judeo-Christian ethics that have governed the conduct of enlightened people for thousands of years. The most beneficial byproduct resulting from your departure would be your complete removal from polite society.

I would be happy to elaborate if you'd so desire.

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

DISNEY OPTIONS SEQUEL TO “INVINCIBLE,” SECOND INSTALLMENT WILL FOCUS ON VINCE PAPALE’S CAREER AS WALK-ON SECRETARY OF STATE

HOLLYWOOD - With the box-office success of “Invincible” Disney Pictures announced this morning they have optioned a sequel to the inspirational movie that drew record crowds this past weekend. The sequel, which does not yet have a title, will deal with another real-life incident in the life of Vince Papale that is not touched upon in the current film. Namely, the story of how part-time bartender, part-time substitute teacher and full-time Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver and special teams whiz Vince Papale responded to an invitation from then President Jimmy Carter to an “open try-out” for a position in his cabinet.”

“It was right after the election, and President Carter was trying to set a new tone in the country, what with the whole Watergate thing and all,” said Papale. “I went down to Washington on my day off and worked out for Hamilton Jordan and Jody Powell. A couple of days later I got a call from the President. He named me Secretary of State.”

Papale said he was initially shunned by the more established members of the Cabinet. “I remember walking into the White House locker room after work one day, and I said to Zbigniew Brezinski, 'They spelled my name wrong.' He said, 'Does it really matter?' Zbig didn’t think I was going to stick.”

Papale went on to serve three years in the Cabinet, playing a key role in brokering the Camp David Accords between Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat. “And to think I did all of this and returned punts and kickoffs,” said Papale. Filming is scheduled to begin sometime next year.

JOHN MARK KARR DESERVES OUR PRAISE FOR STANDING UP AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, EVEN THOUGH HE'S NUTS

THE FACT THAT HE DIDN'T KILL JONBENET RAMSEY SHOULDN'T CHANGE OUR ADMIRATION FOR THIS STAND-UP GUY, IT SHOULD DEEPEN IT

EDITORIAL - In an age when few people take responsibility for anything, John Mark Karr, of his own free volition, confessed to a heinous crime that everyone else has denied having anything to do with for the past ten years. No one put a gun to Mr. Karr's head to confess to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, but he took full responsibility for it regardless of the personal consequences.

In my old neighborhood, we had a term for people like Mr. Karr: he's a "stand-up guy." In my book a "stand-up guy" is someone who isn't afraid to take responsibility for his actions. Or, in Mr. Karr's case, someone else's actions.

The fact that, as it turns out, Mr. Karr had nothing whatsoever to do with the murder of JonBenet Ramsey shouldn't change our admiration for him. It should deepen it.

So our hat's off to Mr. Karr as they haul him away to a California prison to face other criminal charges. He is scum, and he is seriously deranged, that is true. And they should lock him away for good, that also is true. But none of that can undo the fact that for a couple of weeks in the dog days of summer when little else was happening, we were all able to thrill to the news that a long-unsolved murder case finally had been cracked. Even though it turned out it hadn't.

We owe it all to you, John Mark Karr, a stand-up guy if ever there was one.

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

VINCE PAPALE CONSTANTLY CALLS MARK WAHLBERG, WHO PLAYED HIM IN INVINCIBLE, TO ASK "WHAT WOULD VINCE DO" IN A GIVEN SITUATION?

PAPALE: "WHENEVER I FORGET HOW TO BE MYSELF, I JUST WATCH THE MOVIE ["INVINCIBLE"] SO THAT I CAN IMITATE MARK [WAHLBERG] IMITATING ME."

PHILADELPHIA - Vince Papale, the real-life Rocky Balboa of the NFL whose unlikely stint with the Philadelphia Eagles in the 1970's is the subject of the new Disney release Invincible, is now a commercial mortgage banker in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Papale's business career is about to go into the stratosphere because of the new flick.

But Papale wants to be sure he doesn't do anything to hurt his good-guy reputation established by Wahlberg in the film, and he thinks he's found a surefire way to stay true to character. "I constantly call Mark [Wahlberg] to ask him, 'What would Vince do in this situation?'" Papale says that Wahlberg is very helpful. "Mark advises me about every aspect of my life -- what kind of car would Vince buy? What magazines would Vince read? Where would Vince get his lettuce?" Papale said.

In Papale's spare time, he studies Invincible frame by frame, the way football coaches study game films, mimicking Wahlberg's every mannerism. "Anytime I forget how to be me, I just imitate Mark imitating me," he said.

But friends say that Papale is finding it increasingly difficult to separate himself from Wahlberg. Last week after watching Boogie Nights in which Wahlberg plays a '70's porn star, Papale began bragging to his friends about how well-endowed he is.

DENNIS REGAN DEMONICALLY POSSESSED BY GHOST OF TOM MURPHY, WILL UNDERGO EXORCISM

REGAN'S CONCESSIONS TO KEEP SAKS FIFTH AVENUE DOWNTOWN "CAN ONLY BE ATTRIBUTED TO POSSESSION BY MURPHY," SAY EXPERTS

PITTSBURGH - A team of exorcists arrived at the City-County Building this morning to drive out the ghost of former Mayor Tom Murphy from current Mayor Bob O'Connor's Chief of Staff Dennis Regan. Murphy is not dead, but experts in demonic possession say that Regan's desire to make concessions to keep Saks Fifth Avenue department store downtown can only be attributed to possession by Murphy.

Exorcist Father Eugene Gallagher explained: "Mayor Murphy was hell-bent, excuse the expression, on revitalizing downtown by luring and keeping department stores downtown that didn't want to be there. First there was Lazarus, then Lord and Taylor. This concept, of course, proved to be nothing short of madness. Yet Mr. Regan is giving every indication that he's following Mayor Murphy's playbook to the letter. People who study such things believe this conduct can only be attributed to demonic possession."

Regan dismisses any necessity for an exorcism, claiming he's just trying to get the retailer more loading dock and parking space -- "something we'd look into doing for any business downtown," Regan said. When staff members of The Carbolic Smoke Ball asked Regan for similar concessions for their downtown office, Regan flew into a demonic rage and told them to "go to hell!"

ASTRONOMERS SAY PLUTO NO LONGER QUALIFIES AS PLANET, PIRATES NO LONGER QUALIFY AS MAJOR LEAGUE TEAM

PRAGUE - The International Astronomical Union, the official arbiter of heavenly objects, decided last week that Pluto no longer qualifies as a planet, and that the Pittsburgh Pirates no longer qualify as a major league baseball team.

Pluto, a planet since 1930, got the boot because it didn't meet one of the Union's new criteria for being a planet; specifically, that a planet must "clear the neighborhood around its orbit."

Likewise, the Pirates, in existence since the late 1800's, fail to meet "numerous established criteria for being a major league baseball team, including the ability to compete on at least a periodic basis with other underperforming teams."

Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield issued a statement on behalf of the Pirates and Pluto. "Although the IAU's decision was disappointing, it is an unfortunate fact that small market teams, and small planets, have come to expect news of this nature. The IAU's announcement merely underscores the difficulty in having to play in the same league, and to rotate in the same solar system, as large teams and large planets such as the New York Yankees and Jupiter."

AL GORE CALLS FOR RECOUNT OF VOTE TO DECLASSIFY PLUTO AS PLANET

WASHINGTON - Former Vice President and 2000 Presidential candidate Al Gore has called for a recount of the vote by the International Astronomical Union, the official arbiter of heavenly objects, to declassify Pluto as a planet. Gore claims that the Union unfairly discounted ballots with so-called hanging chads as part of an unspecified "political agenda."

Gore is spearheading an effort to promote global warming on Pluto. The effort, which even he concedes is "wacky," has garnered little support, even in the liberal community.

A LOOK BACK, ONE YEAR LATER . . .

MIRACLE: BILOXI CASINO BARGE FEARED LOST IN HURRICANE KATRINA WASHES UP NEAR HAVANA. VIDEO POKER PLAYERS STAYED AT MACHINES THROUGHOUT STORM

BILOXI MISSISSIPPI - During the height of the most devastating storm ever to punish the Mississippi Gulf Coast, the President Casino broke loose of its moorings at noon yesterday and was swept out to sea in the fury of ferocious Hurricane Katrina, feared forever lost.

But today's dawn revealed a stunning sight: with only moderate damage, the formidable floating gaming barge from Biloxi had beached ten miles west of Havana, Cuba.

Inside, oblivious to the storm, Bob and Judi Mendelbaum and other regulars were still glued to the chairs they had staked out in the 5 cent video poker parlor before the rain even started, dropping coin after coin to play the game that addiction specialists describe as the crack cocaine of gambling.

"That was my third 'straight flush' of the night," exclaimed Judi, scooping up the coins as they casceded from the hopper. Her husband Bob was less enthusiastic. "If only she had listened to me and played the maximum number of coins, we could have put our grandchildren through college."

Cuban soldiers cautiously entered the casino to investigate, and Mrs. Mendelbaum handed one of them an empty glass. "I'm drinking Merlot," she said. Her husband looked out a window and, spotting a banner with Fidel Castro's familiar face on it, yelled to his wife, "Judi, look! I think they changed the name of 'President Casino' to 'El Presidente Casino.'"

BUSH CONSOLES NEW ORLEANS: "I WILL GET THE MAN WHO DID THIS!"

PRESIDENT ASKS ROCK 'N ROLL LEGEND FATS DOMINO TO BE "HUMAN CORK" TO PLUG UP LEAK IN LEVEE

NEW ORLEANS - Four days after Hurricane Katrina wrought unprecedented devastatation to the U.S. Gulf Coast, President Bush arrived to console the jittery Big Easy in the wake of chaos and violence. The President addressed the refugees stranded at the Superdome: "We will hunt down, and we will kill the evildoers who did this thing."

After visiting the Superdome, the President said he wanted to "survey the destruction" sustained by Harrah's New Orlean's casino. In fact, the casino sustained only minor damage, but this did not deter the President. No reporters were permitted to accompany the President on his two hour visit inside the casino, but at one point a Presidential aide ran out of the building and returned a short time later with a bagful of quarters.

Before departing the city, the President paid one more visit -- to the home of rock 'n roll legend Fats Domino. Bush implored the 77 year old pioneer responsible for such classics as "Blueberry Hill" to become a "human cork" to plug up the leak in the levee that flooded the city. The singer immediately obliged and is seen in the above photograph being helped from a boat before he was physically placed in the hole where the levee broke. When asked about the devastation to his home town, Domino said, "Ain't that a shame!"

NAT'L HURRICANE CENTER ADMITS GOOF: THERE NEVER WAS ANY "HURRICANE KATRINA," JUST SPITTLE ON SATELLITE LENS. NEW ORLEANS EVACUATION RESCINDED

French Quarter retailers disappointed, had hoped storm would eradicate urine odor that permeates Bourbon Street.

NEW ORLEANS - The National Hurricane Center admitted its prediction that a massive hurricane would make a direct hit on New Orleans turned out to be a mistake caused by the spittle of a space shuttle astronaut on the lens of an NOAA satellite camera. The satellite image produced by the spittle-covered lens looked exactly like a monstrous hurricane on a ferocious romp through the Gulf of Mexico. In reality, it was nothing more than ordinary human saliva.

A relieved New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin rescinded his evacuation order that sent hundreds of thousands of Big Easy residents cramming Interstate 10 to escape a storm that many feared would be the biggest the city had ever seen.

Mayor Nagin explained that the spittle found its way on the satellite camera when the satellite was repaired during a space shuttle mission last year. "Not to get overly technical about it, but see, saliva doesn't evaporate in the unforgiving, icy cold of outer space," explained the Mayor.

Plywood merchants were openly disappointed by the news since it stopped countless building owners from boarding up their windows as protection from the putative storm. Hadley V. Baxendale, president of New Orleans Lumber Company, admitted that plywood "is the last thing I'd put on my house if a hurricane was coming. It could only make matters worse." But he quickly added that "I'm not in the business of debunking urban myths, so if people want to buy their plywood, who am I to stop them?" Baxendale smiled, "Anyway, the hurricane season is still young."

BUSH GOES SKINNY-DIPPING IN NEW ORLEANS FLOOD WATERS TO PROVE WATER IS SAFE

NEW ORLEANS - President Bush, touring the hurricane ravaged Gulf coast today, decided a bold statement was needed to demonstrate that the flood waters are not contaminated, so he removed all of his clothes and dove into the murky green, flea-infested, toxic brine.

"Come on in, the water's fine," the President shouted to reporters as he bobbed his naked torso in and out of the water. "Look, I'm drinking it! Tastes great."

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said he was overwhelmed by the President's gesture. "The President has a very nice tush," said the Mayor. "Mr. Bush's act not only demonstrates beyond any question that the waters are safe, but it signals to our friends in the gay community that New Orleans is back and it's open for business," the Mayor gushed. "I'll tell you how impressed I was with what I saw," the Mayor continued. "I told the President, 'I know you're married, but do you have a brother who's available?'"

President Bush later was taken to a local hospital where he was treated for a skin rash.

JESSE JACKSON: "CALLING KATRINA VICTIMS 'REFUGEES' IS RACIST - JUST ASK ANYONE IN HYMIE TOWN"

NEW YORK - The Reverend Jessie Jackson accused news organizations of racism for labeling displaced Hurricane Katrina victims, many of whom are black, as "refugees."

"Just ask anyone in Hymie town [New York City]," said Jackson, "and they'll tell you that I'm right."

Jackson's criticism sparked a debate among news organizations over the propriety of using the word "refugee" in reference to displaced hurricane victims. President Bush weighed in on Jackson's side. "I am grateful that this trivial debate fueled by political correctness run amok has diverted the nation's attention, even momentarily, from the criticisms of my response to a disaster that killed thousands."

NEW ORLEANS ANNOUNCES DECADENT MARDI GRAS WILL RETURN IN 2006; OPHELIA IMMEDIATELY DARTS FROM THE CAROLINAS AND MAKES A BEELINE ON "BIG EASY"

AFTER HOVERING OVER NORTH CAROLINA FOR DAYS, OPHELIA TAKES "UNPRECEDENTED TURN"; BIG EASY MAYOR WHISPERS TO REPORTER, "IT'S COMING FOR US. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HIGH UP THIS HURRICANE THING GOES. WE'RE DOOMED!"

NEW ORLEANS - At 9:30 this morning, Hurricane Ophelia sputtered and crawled along the North Carolina coast at the same tortuously slow pace it has taken for days, meandering in fits and starts without direction.

Hundreds of miles away at that same moment, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was announcing that the Big Easy would emerge from the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina and once again play host to Mardi Gras, the decadent pre-lent celebration, in 2006.

All of a sudden, Ophelia churned and put itself into a meteorological hyperdrive, taking a hard left and zipping through South Carolina, Georgia and Mississippi, plotting a trajectory with a bullseye on New Orleans. Within fifteen minutes, the vicious storm was wreaking new havoc on this already ravaged city.

With news of Ophelia beating a path to the city, a reporter asked Mayor Nagin if he found any meaning in this latest show of nature's fury, and the Mayor whispered to meet him in the "second to last pew" of St. Louis Cathedral. At the wind-swept church, the Mayor entered unrecognizably clad in black and wearing a wig. He quietly knelt down behind the reporter.

"Don't turn around," the Mayor whispered, his words halting and nervous. "I can't be seen talking to you. These hurricanes -- you don't know what you're playing with. You don't realize how high up this thing goes." The reporter pressed the Mayor to be more specific.

"Do you think it's a coincidence that Katrina ravaged New Orleans, the epicenter of sinful Mardi Gras, and the Mississippi Gulf Coast, the epicenter of sinful Southern gaming?" the Mayor asked. "Or that Ophelia comes calling the minute we say we're back in the decadence business? Let me put it to you this way: you didn't see either Katrina or Ophelia roar through the Vatican, did you? You do the math." The reporter turned around but the Mayor was gone.

Outside, college students were racing to salavage a decadent Mardi Gras float before the latest storm hit. Every so often, they glanced over their shoulders at the giant dark cloud that had enveloped the city.

ANDREA YATES GIVES JOHN MARK KARR FRIENDLY ADVICE: "YOU NEED TO CONFESS TO FOUR MORE MURDERS BEFORE THEY'LL LET YOU OFF"

YATES WAS FOUND NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY AFTER DROWNING HER FIVE CHILDREN

HOUSTON - Andrea Yates, the mother who was found not guilty by reason of insanity in the bathtub drownings of her five young children, called JonBenet Ramsey's confessed killer John Mark Karr today to give him some friendly advice. The brief call was monitored by Yates' physicians at the Houston mental hospital where she is being treated for severe postpartum psychosis. This news source has obtained a transcript of that call:

YATES: "John, I have to talk quickly before they cut me off. You have no chance of getting off unless you confess to killing four more kids . . . [unintelligible], and you need to tell them Satan was inside you. I know how it goes, John, I know how it goes. You snap and you kill one kid in a pique of anger, and then you wonder to yourself, 'What the hell do I do now to get out of this one?' See, John, trust me about this -- one kid's not enough -- one's not enough to make you look crazy. Five kids, John. You need to kill five. Trust me. I'm an expert on this."

KARR: [Long pause] "Who is this?"

Officials at the Los Angeles County Jail where Karr is being held said that Karr did not take the call seriously. "That woman sounds like some kind of nut," Karr said.

TOM CRUISE LOSES PARAMOUNT CONTRACT, HIS MIND

"ALRIGHT, MR. DEMILLE," HE EXCLAIMS, "I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP"

HOLLYWOOD - Tom Cruise has been fired by Paramount Pictures, according to Sumner Redstone, head of Paramount's parent company Viacom, due to Cruise's bizarre personal behavior. In the past year, Cruise couch-hopped on Oprah Winfrey' talk show while proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes, criticized the use of antidepressants, claimed that postpartum depression doesn't exist, and became combative with Matt Lauer on the "Today" show while defending his opinions.

Cruise's behavior reportedly has become even more bizarre ever since he was given the word last week that he's "out" at Paramount. Reliable sources who asked not to be idenitified say he's been holed up in his Pacific Palisades mansion writing a script called Salome based on the biblical character who danced for her step-father Herod Antipas in exchange for the head of John the Baptist. Cruise envisions himself playing Salome. Inside sources say the script is incomprehensible.

Cruise also frequently imagines he is being interviewed by the press and can be heard in his kitchen snapping at reporters who are not there: "I AM big; it's the pictures that got small." In addition: "We didn't need dialogue back then,we had faces." Cruise has told numerous sources that "Salome is the perfect vehicle for Cecil B. deMille," the director of biblical epics such as The Ten Commandments, despite the fact that deMille has been dead since 1959. Insiders claim that Cruise has lost touch with reality to the point that he imagines his mansion is, in fact, Paramount Pictures and that Mr. deMille is directing Salome on his staircase. A servant claims she heard Cruise exclaim to an empty chair: "Alright, Mr. deMille, I'm ready for my close-up."

“THERE YOU GO AGAIN,” HUSSEIN CHIDES PROSECUTOR IN GENOCIDE TRIAL

SULAIMANIYA, Iraq - After listening to prosecutor Munqith Al Faroon read a litany of charges against him that included ordering massacres, deportations and chemical attacks designed to annihilate the Kurds, Saddam Hussein shook his head and gently rebuked Mr. Al Faroon, telling him, "There you go again." Al Faroon, momentarily stunned, attempted to respond, but was stopped by Special U.N. Moderator and Chief Judge Roger al-Mudd. "I’m sorry, Mr. Al Faroon, but your time is up," he said.

Hussein then launched into a rebuttal that touched upon childhood memories, his work in Hollywood, the blessings bestowed upon Iraq by the Almighty, and his vision for what Iraq can be when he finally gets the opportunity to kill all those who oppose him. He finished with the soaring rhetoric that epitomized his Presidency: "We can meet our destiny to build a land that will be, for all mankind -- except the aforementioned opponents -- a shining city on a hill."

Analysts believe the folksy, but firm response delivered by the man once known as The Great Exterminator will go a long way toward influencing swing voters on the jury. The trial began on a lighthearted note when the Judge asked the defendant to state his name and occupation. "I am Saddam Hussein, the President of the Republic of Iraq and commander in chief of the heroic Iraqi armed forces, and you’re not," said Mr. Hussein, eliciting raucous laughter from the spectator’s gallery. "That’s my tribute to Chevy Chase, your honor," he said. Later, when Al Faroon showed pictures of mass graves and described in chilling detail the effects of nerve gas on humans, Hussein began pantomiming a man playing a violin. The Judge ordered him to stop, and instructed the jury to "strike the image of the defendant playing a sad song from their minds," although he admitted "it was pretty damn funny."

ANOTHER BLOW TO LATROBE: ARNOLD PALMER MOVES TO NEWARK TO BE NEAR ROLLING ROCK BEER

FRED ROGERS TO BE DISINTERRED FROM LATROBE GRAVE AND REBURIED IN NEWARK PER HIS WISH TO FOLLOW ROLLING ROCK "WHEREVER IT MIGHT GO"

LATROBE, Pa. - Just days after the Rolling Rock beer trucks barreled out of this sleepy Western Pennsylvania hamlet for their new home in Newark, Latrobe got more bad news today. Legendary golfer Arnold Palmer announced to shocked reporters in an impromptu press conference that he, too, is moving "immediately" to Newark. "I know people always thought I stayed here [in Latrobe] because I was a down-to-earth guy and all that, and I confess I never disabused them of that notion," Palmer said. "The fact of the matter is, it's the fresh beer that kept me here all this time. This town ain't got nothing without that beer, brother."

Ironically, within minutes of Palmer's press conference, Jim Towey, President of Saint Vincent College in Latrobe, issued a statement that he is in discussions to move the school "lock stock and barrel" to Newark in time for the 2008 academic year. "Without the [Rolling Rock] beer, there's really no reason for us to be out here in the middle of nowhere," Towey explained. Steelers patriarch Dan Rooney said that Towey's announcement was "good news," and that the Steelers' training camp will follow Saint Vincent to Newark. Rooney asked this reporter to quote him exactly for one parting shot at Latrobe: "Tell your readers that without the beer, we all hate Latrobe. Hate it."

President Towey also announced that he is assisting the family of Fred Rogers to have the children's TV icon disinterred from his Latrobe grave and reburied in Newark in accordance with Mr. Rogers' request that his body follow Rolling Rock Beer wherever it might go.

ROLLING ROCK BEER CELEBRATES MOVE TO NEWARK BY ISSUING COMMEMORATIVE "DROP DEAD LATROBE" BOTTLE

FLASHBACK TO THE THRILL WHEN HEINZ FIELD WAS ABOUT TO OPEN: SEPTEMBER 12, 2001

PITTSBURGH BEACON EDITOR DEFENDS DECISION TO PUT STEELER NEWS ABOVE WORLD TRADE CENTER ATTACKS AS "A NO-BRAINER"

ALEXANDER HAIG INTERRUPTS SKRINJAR PRESS CONFERENCE, ASSERTS CONTROL OF CITY GOVERNMENT

PITTSBURGH - Former Secretary of State and Presidential candidate General Alexander Haig interrupted a press conference this morning by mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar to assure citizens that, despite Mayor O’Connor’s debilitating struggle with cancer, the city was in good hands. Skrinjar was discussing a little known codicil in the city charter, approved in a referendum nearly two decades ago, that changes the order of succession to the Mayor’s office. “And so, it appears that Mr. Ravenstahl is not next in line to succeed the Mayor,” said Skrinjar. “In the event Mayor O’Connor dies in office, the city will be in the hands of the evangelical preacher standing on the corner of Fifth and Smithfield.”

Just then, Haig entered the room through a side door and walked briskly to the microphone. Pushing Skrinjar aside, Haig clutched the podium with both hands and addressed reporters. “Constitutionally, gentlemen, you have the Mayor, the Acting Deputy Mayor, and me, in that order. Should the Mayor decide he wants to transfer the helm to Mr. Zober, he will do so. As for now, I’m in control here, in the City-County Building, pending the return of the Mayor, and in close touch with him. I would check with him if something came up, of course.” When a security guard attempted to intervene, General Haig dispatched the man with a series of quick judo chops to the chest and throat. Following his remarks, Haig offered to take a few questions, but warned “that he would be unable to get into specifics” about the Mayor’s health, or his own mental state. After several minutes of awkward silence, Haig left the podium.

Skrinjar returned to the microphone and “thanked the General for his years of devoted service to our country, and his continued willingness to inject volatility and instability into a public crisis in pursuit of his own grandiose ambition.”

PITTSBURGH'S OVERSIGHT BOARD APPROVES PLAYS FOR STEELERS

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh's powerful oversight board has much more influence on the day-to-day operations of the city than the average citizen realizes, this news source has learned. Among numerous other oversight functions, the board meets on a weekly basis during football season at Heinz Field to review the previous week's Steelers game and to "make adjustments" in the team's play. "The Steelers have a contract with the Sports and Exhibition Authority, and the oversight board oversees that body," said board member Sister Grace Geibel.

"I spend a full day each week going over that playbook and meeting with the coaching staff and players to make sure things are done right," said Sister Grace.

The Oversight Board is widely credited with guiding the team to the Super Bowl last year. Pictured above is former board chairman John Murray going over plays with Troy Polamalu the week before the Super Bowl.

Sister Grace is among the candidates rumored to be in line to take over the head coaching job if Bill Cowher retires at the end of the season.

SIX MODELS WHO POSED FOR IWO JIMA FLAG-RAISING PICTURE MOURN PHOTOGRAPHER'S DEATH

HOLLYWOOD - The six models who posed for the late Joe Rosenthal's famous picture of supposed soldiers raising the flag at Iwo Jima paid tribute to the award winning photographer today, two days after his death at age 94. The picture, taken in Rosenthal's Hollywood studio and passed off to the Associated Press as photojournalism, forever cemented the wedding photographer's reputation as a partriot. Rosenthal waited until the Marine Corp used the picture as the model for its memorial in 1954 before he confessed that he had never even been on Iwo Jima, in fact he's never left the continental United States.

The six models who posed happened to be at Rosenthal's studio one day in January 1945 to do a sock photoshoot for Macys when Rosenthal got the idea. "It started out as a gag," Rosenthal told this news source in July 2005. "But then we saw the reaction from the public, and we felt kind 0f guilty about it, so we kept our mouth shut for a long time."

The picture wasn't even Rosenthal's favorite. "No, that distinction belongs to the one where the new Mrs. Irving Mendelbaum got a hunk of cake shoved in her kisser at her wedding reception," Rosenthal said. "Now that's photojournalism."

ISRAEL, HEZBOLLAH LAUNCH JOINT PUNITIVE MISSILE ATTACK ON FORMER UN AMBASSADOR ANDREW YOUNG

ATLANTA - The home of former Atlanta Mayor and United States Ambassador to the United Nations Andrew Young was destroyed after being hit by a series of long-range missiles last night, the result of an unprecedented joint punitive miliarty attack by Israel and Hezbollah in retaliation for Young's comments that Jews and Arabs operating "mom and pop" stores have overcharged and sold "stale bread, bad meat and wilted vegetables" to blacks.

Young's comments were reported in a Los Angeles newspaper on Thursday. At the time of the attacks, Young reportedly was not home. He was said to be visiting with actor Mel Gibson at Gibson's Malibu home.

President Bush issued a carefully worded statement "commending both Israel and Hezbollah for this display of cooperation and harmony," but asking that "the next time they feel the urge to be harmonious, to please choose targets outside of the United States."

WYOMING WILDFIRE IS SPREADING LIKE . . .

JUDGE PECKHAM DISCOVERS VILLAGE OF PRIMITIVE RAINCOAT-CLAD PEOPLE LIVING NEXT TO NIAGARA FALLS

RAMSEY SUSPECT JOHN MARK KERR CONFESSES TO JFK ASSASSINATION

A PLUG FROM THE POST-GAZETTE'S WRITING GURU

The Carbolic Smoke Ball appreciates the plug from the dean of Pittsburgh writers, the Post-Gazette's writing guru Peter Leo, in today's Morning File. We note that Mr. Leo is gracious enough not to ridicule our grammar.

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

SANTONIO HOLMES WINS ROOKIE TALENT SHOW WITH IMPROMPTU GARLAND TRIBUTE

LATROBE, Pa. - Steelers rookie wide receiver Santonio Holmes captivated veterans and coaches alike last night with a note-perfect tribute to Judy Garland, winning the traditional rookie talent show in a landslide. Standing between the steam tables, Holmes delivered a ten-minute medley of Garland’s most famous numbers, pausing only to identify the composer of each song and the film in which the song was introduced.

Steelers defensive backs coach Darren Perry said it was the most memorable rookie talent show performance he had witnessed. “I remember when I had to get up in front of my teammates during my first training camp in 1992. I was so nervous, I nearly forgot the words to my song. I sang The Way We Were, and when I got to the line that begins “scattered pictures,” I froze. Fortunately, Greg Lloyd was in the front row and he softly sang the next line, so I was able to pick it up without missing a beat. Greg was a huge Streisand fan, you know.” Perry added, however, that Holmes made him look like a rank amateur. “Santonio opened with The Trolley Song, zipping from table to table with his 'clang clang clangs' and such. It put a smile on everyone’s face," he said. "By the time he hit the big finish of Rock-a-Bye Your Baby With a Dixie Melody, the whole dining hall was standing and cheering. Tears were streaming down Coach Cowher’s face. Casey Hampton and Duce Staley were sobbing on each other’s shoulders. I’ve never seen anything like it. I knew Santonio was a receiva, but I had no idea he was a diva.”

Holmes was typically modest when asked about his ability to channel the legendary singer. “I’ve been a fan of Judy my whole life. I’ve got every record she ever made.” He then fell to one knee and began crooning “You Made Me Love You,” before blowing a kiss and heading off to practice.

Here are some of the stories we are following:

*Mayor O'Connor escapes, city on high alert.

*Wecht doubts intruder was responsible in JonBenet homicide, cites second shooter on grassy knoll.

*Bush, Swann wow Amish votes at Lancaster Barn Raising.

*John Mark Kerr's ex-wife provides alibi for ex-husband in Ramsey case, and for Joran van der Sloot in Natalee Holloway case.

*Dick Skrinjar "tempted" to operate on Mayor himself to excise the cancer.

*Revenue and earnings surge gives UPMC sufficient cash to buy Pittsburgh Brewing.

*First puppy tapped to head major school district: direct descendant of Teddy Roosevelt's dog takes over the reigns in Philadelphia.

*Mr. Clean's dirty little secret: You won't believe what the famous icon got himself into.

*John Mark Kerr's confession in JonBenet killing is doubted in light of his confession for the Hoffa, Lindbergh kidnappings.

*Nostradamus warned future generations about the rise of Unspace.

*New Reality show to stick Castro's daughter in house with Mussolini's granddaughter and "watch the fireworks begin."

*UN calls for end to mideast violence, says someone could get hurt.

*Bettis proves Cowher told him he was retiring, releases tape of phone message where Cowher asked him to "line up some 'bro's from the hood to help move my junk out of my office as soon as the season ends."

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT WE'RE REPORTING TOMORROW IN THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL!

COWHER, STEELERS BREAK OFF CONTRACT EXTENSION TALKS, ONORATO PLACES COWHER UNDER HOUSE ARREST

PITTSBURGH - The Steelers released a statement by team President Art Rooney II yesterday announcing that contract extension talks between the club and Coach Bill Cowher would resume after the 2006 season, further fueling speculation that Cowher plans on leaving the Steelers when his contract expires. In an effort to calm a nervous public, Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato held a press conference shortly thereafter to announce that he was placing Coach Cowher “under house arrest, effective immediately, to ensure the continuity necessary in Steelers management required to maintain civic order.”

Onorato said that members of the County Delta Force team were “already on the ground at St. Vincent” – the site of Steelers training camp – and had placed Cowher under “protective custody.” Reportedly, Cowher is being housed in a suite at the Pittsburgh Hilton. “I want to assure the citizens of this region that he can check out any time he likes, but he can never leave,” Onorato said. He added that Cowher would remain under twenty-four hour guard for an undetermined amount of time, being escorted to and from Steelers practices, meetings and games by a heavily armed team of twenty to thirty members of the Allegheny County Special Forces. He said he would consider allowing Cowher the opportunity for conjugal visits in the Heinz Field parking lot on game day, “in the event of a Steelers victory.”

When reporters asked Onorato if he was concerned about possible violations of Cowher’s constitutional rights, he became irritated. “What about the rights of the people who depend on the Steelers to give their lives meaning? The rights of Steelers fans trump the Constitution every time. I believe Chief Justice Frenchy Fuqua said that.”

EVGENI MALKIN AT U.N., BANGS SKATE ON TABLE, DEMANDS FUNDING FOR NEW ARENA

NEW YORK - Evgeni Malkin, the Russian hockey player whose NHL rights are owned by the Pittsburgh Penguins, made a surprise appearance at the United Nations today. Malkin allegedly barged into a Security Council meeting dealing with the cease fire in Lebanon and delivered a thirty minute harangue against the “reactionary forces and bourgeois elements conspiring to prevent the Isle of Capri group from obtaining the slots license in Pittsburgh.” According to witnesses, Malkin demanded U.N. funding for a new hockey arena in Pittsburgh. He also called U.N. Secretary General Koffi Annan “a jerk, a stooge, and a lackey of imperialism.”

Malkin, who has been in seclusion since abandoning his Russian team in Finland last week, reportedly objected to remarks made by Secretary General Annan about the propriety of dealing with arena funding “when the lives of so many people depend upon securing a lasting peace in Lebanon.” Malkin, who graciously consented to fill the Russian seat on the Security Council while the Russian Ambassador kept a dentist appointment, immediately jumped to his feet. Removing his ice skate, he repeatedly pounded his skate on the table in an attempt to disrupt the proceedings. Malkin shouted that the Penguins needed a new arena to remain competitive, adding that if the U.N. refused to provide the financial assistance needed for construction “we will bury you.”

The volatile Malkin, known for his brusque, abrasive language and crude, peasant demeanor, has threatened to place nuclear missiles in Cuba “should the Penguins be forced to relocate due to the inaction of so-called Western Pennsylvania political leaders.”

Penguins owner Mario Lemieux issued a statement yesterday disavowing Malkin’s remarks, adding that “the last thing this franchise needs is the bad publicity associated with an international incident.”

PITTSBURGHERS ANXIOUSLY AWAIT NEWS THAT THEIR GOD HAS ENTERED INTO NEW COVENANT

MR. ROONEY'S VOICE BOOMS FROM THE SKY: "I WILL SET MY BOW IN THE CLOUD, AND IT SHALL BE A SIGN TO THE PEOPLE OF PITTSBURGH OF THE COVENANT BETWEEN THE STEELERS AND COACH COWHER."

BILL COWHER FIRES LAWYER, HIRES CHICO MARX TO HANDLE NEGOTIATIONS WITH STEELERS' CRAFTY COUNSEL

HIGH COURT HOLDS THAT PREAMBLE OF CONSTITUTION CONFLICTS WITH ESTABLISHMENT CLAUSE AND IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL

IN ANGRY DISSENT, JUSTICE SCALIA SETS OFF FIRE ALARMS IN SUPREME COURT BUILDING

WASHINGTON - In a 5 to 4 decision, the Supreme Court today ruled in Bob Haas v. Commonwealth of Pennsylvania that the Preamble to the Constitution is unconstitutional because it calls for "Blessings" from a higher power, which the opinion concluded is forbidden by the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. The offending language states: "We the People of the United States, in Order to . . . secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

Justice Stephen Breyer's majority opinion concluded that the Framers of the Constitution must have intended to call upon blessings from a higher power in the preamble because the "B" in "Blessings" is capitalized. Two pages later, however, Breyer conceded that, in fact, "the usage of capital letters by the Framers of the Constitution, like the fancy calligraphy, was largely meaningless; the Framers not only were prone to scrivener excesses but, in general, acted without rhyme or reason." Regardless, the opinion explained, "this has never deterred this Court from twisting and contorting the Framers' ambiguous words to suit one modern agenda or another." Accordingly, and without further explanation, the opinion held that "the word 'Blessings' references blessings from a deity, and that such reference is unconstitutional."

In her concurring opinion, Justice Ginsburg agreed and added, "I would go so far as to say the entire document [the Constitution] probably is unconstitutional, but that question is not before the Court today."

In an angry dissent, Justice Scalia set off the fire alarms throughout the Supreme Court building, which was evacuated as a safety precaution.

PIRATES REFUSE TO ELEVATE MINOR LEAGUER WHO CONSISTENTLY THROWS IN THE 130's

ALTOONA - Wardell Starling, a 6'4" righthanded pitcher, toils for the Pirates double A minor league club The Altoona Curve despite consistently throwing more than 130 miles per hour, some thirty miles faster than the fastest pitches ever recorded in professional baseball. The Curve's insurance company insists that Starling's catching place a metal plate inside his glove to prevent serious injury. Starling also has the least walks of any starting pitcher in double A baseball.

When a photographer for this news source took a photograph of Starling throwing in a game at Altoona with the speed gun aimed at him (above), the machine showed a speed of 136 miles per hour. As soon as the picture was snapped, Bob Nutting, son of the principal owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates G. Ogden Nutting, began shouting profanities at the photographer and ran after him demanding that he surrender the photorgraph.

When a reporter for this news source asked Nutting why Starling had not been elevated to pitch for the pitching-starved Pittsburgh Pirates, Nutting insisted it was because Starling "hasn't yet mastered the fastball."

The Nuttings have been repeatedly criticized by Pirates fans this year for what some have charged is a lack of commitment to win.

ALBERT PUJOLS DEMANDS TRADE TO PIRATES AND CARDS SAY THEY'LL TAKE XAVIER NADY FOR HIM

LITTLEFIELD REJECTS TRADE OUT-OF-HAND, SAYS PUJOLS "NOT THE ANSWER" AT FIRST, AND "BUCS WILL NEED MORE THAN THAT" TO PART WITH NADY

BACK-TO-BACK HOMERUNS IN PIRATES' VICTORY OVER CARDS MAY LEAD TO DIVORCE

MRS. JOAN ROADHOUSE'S COMMENT THAT FIREWORKS FOLLOWING SECOND HOMERUN NOT AS POTENT AS FIRST STRIKES NERVE IN HUSBAND

PITTSBURGH - Joan and Bradleys Roadhouse, who attended yesterday's Pirates' victory over the Cardinals at PNC Park, appear headed for divorce court due to the Jason Bay-Joe Randa back-to-back homeruns.

After every Pirate homerun at PNC Park a short burst of fireworks is set off just beyond the outfield wall. Yesterday was no different following Bay's homerun. However, the fireworks following Randa's homerun just moments later were noticeably less potent than the ones for Bay. Mrs. Roadhouse, 32, made the mistake of commenting to her husband that "they had trouble loading the firework shooter after the first round -- they couldn't get it off." She compounded her mistake by chuckling about it. Bradleys Roadhouse, 34, construed his wife's comments as a reference to his amorous capabilities, prompting him to storm out of the ballpark. Joan Roadhouse told this news source that she "grows weary" of what she calls her husband's paranoia. "He even has a complex over the size of the hot dogs that the parrot shoots off," she said.

Mrs. Roadhouse asked that this incident not be made public. To appease her and to encourage her to tell us her story, we agreed.

LYNN SWANN STAGES IMPROMPTU RALLY, SAYS PENNSYLVANIA'S GOT TROUBLE WITH A CAPITAL "T" AND THAT RHYMES WITH "G" AND THAT STANDS FOR GAMING

PITTSBURGH - Gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann made a stop in Pittsburgh today to learn what issues are of concern to Pittsburghers, or if there aren't any, to invent some. Swann sat on a bench in Market Square eating an apple next to supporter State Senator Jane Orie.

"Jane, all I need is an opening," Swann said, taking a bite. "You remember the pitch. What can I use? What's new around here?"

Orie shrugged her shoulders and couldn't think of anything. "Well, Duquesne Light's got a new sign," she said facetiously.

"Now, Jane," Swann scolded her with his eyes, "I need some ideas, if I'm going to get your town out of the serious trouble it's in."

"Pittsburgh's not in any trouble," Orie said innocently.

"Then we're gonna have to create some," Swann winked. "Must create a desperate need in your town for a governor who's a conservative, black, ex-football-star."

Just then an IGT slot machine truck lumbered into the Square and parked nearby. A crowd gathered around it. Swann was puzzled. "Why is that crowd so interested in that slot machine truck? They must have seen a slot machine before," Swann said.

"Not in Pittsburgh. Just pinball and video games," Orie replied.

Swann put his hand to his head, a brainstorm brewing, then he snapped his fingers as if he'd solved a riddle. "That'll do it." He sprang to his feet and raced to the bandstand, motioning the passersby in the Square to gather around. Then he launched into what can best be described as a ragtime-era rap:

Ya got trouble, my friends, right here, I say, trouble right here in three rivers city . . .

Swann worked the crowd into a frenzy, excoriating Governor Rendell's gaming legislation by painting a dire picture of the terrible effects it will have on Pittsburgh's youth:

All week long your three rivers youth'll be fritterin',
Fritterin' away their noontime, suppertime, chore-time too!
Putting quarter after quarter in the slots --
Never mind about getting dandelions pulled or the screendoor patched or the beefsteak pounded,
Never mind pumpin' any water till their parents are caught with their cistern empty on a Saturday night!
And that's trouble! We got lots and lots of trouble!
Trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "G" and that stands for gaming!

By now the crowd had become an angry mob ready to flip the IGT truck on its side. Just then, a Wells Fargo rolled down Forbes Avenue and eased its way into the middle of the Square. The back door of the truck swung open to reveal none other than a smiling Governor Ed Rendell, who immediately began handing out things to the stunned crowd: money, all manner of grants and government programs, even band instruments. It was largesse on a scale never before seen in Market Square. At least two of the Square's regular beggars fainted. In a matter of seconds the crowd had gone from angry to incredulous to gleeful, and they forgot all about Swann.

Watching from the bandstand, Swann methodically packed up his suitcase in a manner suggesting he was accustomed to this result. "Rendell's such a con artist," he said to Orie. "Let's head out to Latrobe. I hear they just lost their brewery so this ought to be a perfect time for me to explain what terrible trouble they're in."

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL IN "PRINT" MEDIA

Readers of this news service know that if we stopped to acknowledge all the accolades we receive, there would be precious little time to serve the downtrodden. We make this one exception to salute the brave members of the print media who mention us, including the wonderful football writers at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette who mentioned us last Friday: Link to Pittsburgh Post Gazette

DICK SKRINJAR HAS MELTDOWN, THREATENS REPORTERS WITH PHYSICAL HARM IF THEY DON'T STOP LISTENING TO MAYOR'S PHYSICIANS

PITTSBURGH - Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar lost control of himself at a press briefing this morning and angrily rebuked reporters for attending a medical briefing by Mayor O'Connor's physicians last week. With veins in his neck bulging and spittle oozing from the corners of his mouth, Skrinjar slammed his desk and screamed at the top of his lungs. "Who are you going to believe, me or those overpaid doctors who don't have the city's best interest at heart?" Skrinjar swiped his arm across the desk, sending papers, pens and family photographs to the floor. "The doctors don't know what they're talking about. The Mayor is fine, fine, I tell you. Read my lips: The cancer cells are dead. The Mayor just needs to regain his strength." With eyes closed, Skrinjar cocked his head toward the ceiling and let loose a primal scream while repeatedly beating his chest. Deputy Mayor Yarone Zober quietly entered the office and led reporters out, closing the door behind him.

MYRON COPE RAMS MARTHA FLEISHMAN'S CAR ON I-279

*PITTSBURGH ICON ADMITS HE'S BEEN "PATROLLING STREETS" SINCE JUNE LOOKING FOR VEHICLE THAT STRUCK BIG BEN "IN ORDER TO EXACT RETRIBUTION"

*FORMER STEELERS BROADCASTER WAS NOT WEARING A HELMET, SAY POLICE

PLANE BOUND FROM HEATHROW TO LAGUARDIA FORCED TO RETURN TO LONDON BECAUSE DIET COKE FOUND ON BOARD

TERROR SUSPECTS BEING HELD WITHOUT LIQUIDS

TONY BLAIR: "I MUST SAY, THAT IS IRONIC, ISN'T IT?"

OUR TRIBUTE TO MAYOR O'CONNOR FOLLOWS: A LOOK BACK ON SOME LANDMARK STORIES