TRIBUNE-REVIEW REPORTER WINS PULITZER PRIZE, RECEIVES OWN PARKING SPACE IN TRIBUNE LOT
NEW YORK - Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reporter David Conti was awarded a Pulitzer Prize last night following an emergency session of the Pulitzer Prize Board, beating the combined staffs of The Sun-Herald of Biloxi, Mississippi and The Times-Picayune of New Orleans covering Hurricane Katrina. Conti’s submission, a profile of The Carbolic Smoke Ball published yesterday afternoon, won the Pulitzer for Public Service and Breaking News Reporting. The Pulitzer Prize Board issued a written statement recognizing "the really top-notch, grade A'" quality of the work produced by the Sun-Herald and Times-Picayune, but said Conti’s piece was far more significant. "Without David’s illuminating piece on these highly dedicated humorists, toiling daily in the oppressive, soul-destroying world of the blogosphere, struggling to scratch out a laugh or two, all the while maintaining a secret identity so as not to compromise their effectiveness as crimefighters, they would have remained anonymous, unread, and unappreciated. And that would have been a far greater disaster for the American people than any Category Five Hurricane could ever inflict."
Conti received his gold medal at an emergency awards ceremony held at The Waldorf Astoria. After presenting Conti with his award, Master of Ceremonies Maury Povich read a congratulatory telegram from Tribune-Review publisher Richard Mellon Scaife. In the telegram, Scaife informed Mr. Conti that, as a token of his appreciation, "effective immediately," Conti would receive his own parking space in the lot adjacent to The Tribune Building on Pittsburgh’s North Side.
Conti said he was humbled by his selection. When asked what he planned to do with his gold medal, he smiled. "I think I’ll wear it around my neck for a while," he said.
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL ON FRONT PAGE OF YESTERDAY'S TRIB P.M. AND IN TODAYS TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Faithful readers of this Web site know that if we stopped to acknowledge all the accolades we receive, there would be precious little time to ferret out injustice. We make an exception for the story by star reporter David Conti that landed on the front page and all of page 3 of the Trib P.M. yesterday afternoon and in today's Tribune-Review in Section B: WHO'S BEHIND THE FAKE NEWS?
HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN . . .
FEBRUARY 24, 2006: AFTER THIRD MIRACLE IS ATTRIBUTED TO HIM, JEROME BETTIS IS CANONIZED AT VATICAN CITY:
SEPTEMBER 28, 2006: JEROME BETTIS HAS BIT PART ON NBC COMEDY "THE OFFICE" PLAYING STRAIGHT-MAN:
SEPTEMBER 28, 2006: JEROME BETTIS HAS BIT PART ON NBC COMEDY "THE OFFICE" PLAYING STRAIGHT-MAN:
MAYOR TELLS CITY'S TOP LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIAL TO TAKE A HIKE
DOM COSTA RETIRING
Mayor Ravenstahl and Police Chief Dom Costa in happier times.
JOEY PORTER'S DOGS HIRE ATTORNEY JIM ECKER TO REPRESENT THEM
PITTSBURGH - Attorney Jim Ecker held a news conference on the steps of the Allegheny County Courthouse this morning to announce that he was representing Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Joey Porter's dogs. Ecker appeared with both of his new clients, holding the pit bull and the mastiff on separate leashes.The dogs are the primary suspects in a high-profile miniature horse homicide that occurred last week in Pine Township. Both dogs were sent to a California kennel immediately following the incident. They were returned following a hearing in Marin County Municipal Court after Allegheny County District Attorney Steven Zappala requested their extradition last Friday.
Ecker has often been accused of muzzling his clients, preferring to make all public statements. This morning was no exception, although it was the first time in memory that Ecker’s clients appeared with him actually wearing muzzles. "First of all, let me say that I haven't talked to my clients yet but they are innocent of all charges," said Ecker, pulling against the leashes in an attempt to restrain the dogs. "And they strongly resent the way they have been portrayed by the media." As he continued berating the members of the press for the "simplistic, sensationalistic and seamy" way they have portrayed the dogs, he slowly began leaning backward until by the end of his harangue he was nearly horizontal with his snarling clients. Digging his heels into the ground for traction, Ecker, who was now visibly sweating, said both dogs "looked forward to the opportunity to present their side of the story." He predicted they would be "completely exonerated" and "back doing the normal things dogs do in no time." A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Friday.
TERRELL OWENS' PHYSICIAN, DR. JACK KEVORKIAN, DENIES THAT OWENS TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE
DALLAS - Dr. Jack Kervorkian, physician to Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, held a news conference this afternoon during which he sadly denied a police report that Owens attempted suicide. "Terrell merely had an allergic reaction when he ingested potentially lethal amounts of painkillers," Kervorkian said.
Pointing to Dr. Kevorkian, Owens said, "Dr. Death here speaks the truth."
TOMORROW: CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL ON THE AIR -- DVE MORNING SHOW
Tune in to the WDVE 102.5 FM tomorrow, after 9:00 a.m., as Carbolic Smoke Ball visits the Morning Show. If our segment is not the best written in the history of that show, I promise that I will return the $2 million stipend.In addition, I have learned from some members of my staff that the Tribune-Review has been asking a lot of questions about me, so keep an eye out for a story.
KDKA RADIO TO EXHUME REGE CORDIC TO HOST MORNING SHOW
"THIS WON'T BE THE FIRST TIME THAT [KDKA] HAS USED DECEASED ON-AIR TALENT TO BOOST ITS SAGGING RATINGS: BILL BURNS DID THE NOON NEWS FOR THREE YEARS AFTER HE DIED."PITTSBURGH - KDKA thinks it has found the solution to its sagging morning show ratings in, of all the unlikely places, Hollywood's fabled Forest Lawn Cemetery.
Rege Cordic, legendary Pittsburgh broadcaster who ruled Steel City morning radio from 1954 to 1965 with an 85 share at his peak, has been dead since 1999. But that didn't stop stop KDKA's general manager Michael Young from bringing him back.
"It was time," Young said. "There's a whole generation of listeners who've never heard Rege's classic fake advertisements for Olde Frothingslosh, 'the pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom.' Granted, it's not especially funny anymore, if it ever was, but I'm counting on Rege to come up with something innovative. He's a proven winner."
Young contacted Cordic's widow and, in his words, "basically wrote her a blank check." Mrs. Cordic exclaimed: "Let the disinterment begin!"
And KDKA isn't stopping there. It's pulling out all the stops to regain its morning drive-time supremacy. Cordic's corpse will be teamed with another popular former morning host, John Cigna.
Cigna issued a written statement: "Oh, I want to tell you, working with Rege is like, I mean, that's, wow! Hmm! I mean, that's really . . . I want to tell you . . . ."
Young says that teaming Cordic with Cigna "will be a match made in zanyville heaven." Late newscaster Ed Schaughency "likely" will be disinterred to do the news, Young said.
A KDKA executive revealed that this won't be the first time KDKA has trotted out deceased on-air talent to boost the station's moribund ratings. "Bill Burns was dead three years and still hosting the noon news," the executive explained. "Near the end, it was a real trick keeping the body intact, but the producer pulled it off."
Addendum: Mr. Young's office called with a correction to this story. He would like his title to read as follows: Senior vice president and general manager of KDKA Newsradio.
STEELERS SIGN SALLY WIGGIN, NEWSCASTER TO RETURN PUNTS AND KICKS
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers took a major step towards improving their special teams play yesterday when they signed WTAE anchorwoman Sally Wiggin to a contract for the duration of the 2006-2007 NFL season.
Wiggin will join the team for practice this morning.
Coach Bill Cowher announced at his weekly press conference that Wiggin will share time with rookie Santonio Holmes on the kick-off team, but that she alone will handle all punt return duties.
"What our special teams need right now is stability and dependability," said Cowher. "Sally gives us that." Cowher said the signing of Wiggin made perfect sense after he watched former return man Ricardo Colclough fumble a punt in the fourth quarter of last Sunday’s loss to the Cincinnati Bengals.
"Sally Wiggin has had her fingers on the pulse of this city for over twenty years and never relinquished her grip. I’m certain she’ll be able to hold on to a football." When Cowher was asked if he had discussed the matter with Colclough, he glared at his interlocutor. "Sally has been taking action for all of us for her entire career," he said. "Now, in addition to taking action, she’s taking Ricardo’s job."
Colclough was visibly distressed when told he was being replaced. "I’ve got enough service for my pension," he said. "Maybe I’ll just retire and concentrate on my business." Colclough is attempting to start a moving company for museums and galleries specializing in the transportation of priceless artifacts and glassware.
UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT AGREES TO HEAR TERRIBLE TOWEL BURNING CASE, RAVENSTAHL ASKS COUNCIL TO PASS TOWEL-BURNING BAN
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PHOTOGRAPH CONTAINS GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AND IS NOT SUITABLE FOR PITTSBURGH CHILDREN UNDER 18
WASHINGTON - In a one sentence order released yesterday afternoon,the United States Supreme Court agreed to hear arguments in the case of Johnson v. Steelers Nation. The writ of certiorari filed by Cincinnati Bengal wide receiver Chad Johnson asks the Court to vacate an Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas Order prohibiting him from setting fire to a Terrible Towel.Johnson, acting as his own attorney, asserted that the order is an"unreasonable intrusion on his first amendment freedom of expression, as well as an unnecessary restriction on his Constitutional right to taunt, torment, and insult the citizens of Pittsburgh."
Minutes after receiving the news that Johnson's case would be heard, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl summoned City Council back to chambers for an emergency session. Ravenstahl introduced legislation making it a capital offense, punishable by death, to "defile, burn, desecrate, or do harm" to a Terrible Towel within ten miles of Heinz Field. The radius expands to fifty miles when the Steelers are playing a home game. Council passed the legislation on a unanimous vote in less than fifteen seconds, and Ravenstahl immediately signed it into law.
ACLU attorney Witold "Vic" Walczak predicted theTowel-burning ban would never withstand the lawsuits that his group, and others, will surely file. "If you're going to ban TerribleTowel-burning, where do you stop?" asked Walczak. "The Mona Lisa? The Shroud of Turin?"
The case will be heard during the Court's October session.
Whatever happened to Yarone Zober?
"Do you know who I used to be? Yarone Zober! I ran this city for twenty-six days!"
CASEY CAMPAIGN CRIES "PHOTOSHOP" AS NEW SANTORUM AD SHOWS CASEY HUGGING, HAVING DRINKS WITH VITO CORLEONE AND THE HEADS OF THE FIVE FAMILIES
DEMS CLAIM CORLEONE BEARS STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO LATE ACTOR MARLON BRANDO
STEELERS LOSE TO BENGALS, REGION IN STATE OF PANIC, RAVENSTAHL TO ADDRESS CITY TONIGHT
PITTSBURGH - Facing his first real crisis in office, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl will address the nervous residents of Pittsburgh with a televised city-wide address tonight asking people to remain calm in the face of two consecutive Steelers defeats. Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar, meeting with reporters, said the Mayor and his cabinet had been in closed door sessions immediately following Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s game-ending interception that sealed the Bengal victory yesterday afternoon."At the conclusion of the game, the Mayor issued an executive order sealing off all bridges from pedestrian traffic in an attempt to reduce the number of jumpers," said Skrinjar. The bridges remain closed this morning. A temporary phone bank has been set up in the lobby of the City-County Building to offer grief counseling for distraught fans. In an effort to eliminate suicide by hanging, members of the police department are going door-to-door in all city neighborhoods confiscating ropes, neckties, bandanas, belts, scarves and shoelaces.
Skrinjar also announced that Mayor Ravenstahl has ordered the city’s General Services Department to release one million capsules of Prozac from the city’s Strategic Prozac Reserve for citywide distribution. The Strategic Prozac Reserve was established following the Steelers defeat in the 1994 AFC Championship game. "These are the times that try men’s souls," said Skrinjar.
LUKE RAVENSTAHL'S MOTHER SCOLDS HIM FOR GOING ALONG WITH OLDER BOYS ON CASINO LICENSE
"YOUNG MAN, JUST BECAUSE BILL LIEBERMAN FAVORS FOREST CITY'S STATION SQUARE PLAN, AND JUST BECAUSE BILL LIEBERMAN CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR CAMPAIGN, THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH HIM. IF YOU ALLOW THE PENGUINS TO LEAVE TOWN, YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR A YEAR!"
BIN LADEN BELIEVED BURIED IN LANDSLIDE AT ROUTE 65
PITTSBURGH - Militant Islamist Osama bin Laden reportedly was buried beneath half-a-million cubic yards of stone and dirt in Wednesday's landslide on Route 65 at Kilbuck Township, according to Allegheny County officials speaking on condition of anonymity. While rumors circulate the globe that bin Laden died of typhoid somewhere in remote Afghanistan, Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato told this news source that "the 'leaked' French intelligence document reporting bin Laden's death was just another in the long line of international skullduggery by none other than Wal-Mart," the principal tenant in the shopping plaza where the landlide occurred. (Onorato asked that his name not be attributed to this story, and this news source assured him it would not.) The Carbolic Smoke Ball has learned bin Laden was spotted repeatedly over the past three months in the area near the landslide, and information received from the Allegheny County Sheriff's office confirms that he has been living in caves that run into the hills above Ohio River Boulevard. Bin Laden and various aides have been seen on an almost daily basis photographing and scoping out police activity on Ohio River Boulevard. County officials initially feared that bin Laden was plotting a terrorist attack on the region, but eventually ruled that out.
Onorato explained: "Our investigation determined that bin Laden was, in fact, interested in stealing the one technology for which Ohio River Boulevard is world famous: its highly sophisticated, always accurate VASCAR technology for measuring the speed of moving objects." Ohio River Boulevard is the site of frequent VASCAR speed traps and the attendant arrest of Sewickley residents speeding from downtown in their BMW's and Range Rovers. "Apparently [bin Laden] planned to implement this technology upon his return to Afghanistan as part of his nefarious war on freedom," said Onorato. An English translation of a journal found in bin Laden's cave shows the detail he employed in studying the technology: "July 1-22: Of 311 incidences, VASCAR most commonly utilized to stop expensive cars fleeing North Side following third inning of Pirate home games." The same journal shows that bin Laden planned to rename the technology "VasCamel" upon his return to the Middle East.
But before County sheriffs could arrest bin Laden, Wal-Mart interceded. Wal-Mart's own surveillance independently learned of bin Laden's presence on the land that the retail behemoth anticipates will be its next big-box cash cow. According to Onorato, Wal-Mart officials resorted to a common company tactic for dealing with chronic trespassers: a perfectly executed landslide of 500,000 to 600,000 cubic yards of stone and dirt. One high-ranking Wal-Mart official confided to this news source that the retailer did not care about the identity of the trespasser: "This was precisely the same tactic Wal-Mart used to eliminate another chronic trespasser many years ago: Jimmy Hoffa. I'd say this one [that killed bin Laden] turned out to be one of corporate America's most clever attacks, next to Head-On ads." Wal-Mart concocted the rumor that bin Laden died of typhoid fever in the Middle East.
While efforts continue to reopen Route 65 to civilian traffic, CIA and Homeland Security officials were seen this weekend aiding with recovery efforts. Officials from both agencies claimed their involvement was due to their loyalty to Wal-Mart and, as on CIA agent put it, "the American Way." But this news source has learned they were making certain that the body of Osama bin Laden remains buried forever in the lower level of what ultimately will be Wal-Mart's Garden Center.
MEDIA CLAMORS FOR REACTIONS TO POPE'S REMARKS ON ISLAM BY CAT STEVENS, BRAD PITT
THIS NEWS SOURCE WILL NOT REPORT INFORMED REACTIONS OF RELIGIOUS SCHOLARS TO POPE'S COMMENTS SINCE THEY ARE LIKELY TO ELICIT BOREDOMLONDON - While religious scholars from around the globe debated the merits of Pope Benedict XVI's recent comments on Islam, the news media
flocked to Yusuf Islam, the British singer known as Cat Stevens before his conversion to Islam, to get his take on it. Islam added to the criticism of the Pope widely shared by show business icons, saying that the Pope's remarks prove he is not infallible.
Meanwhile, reporters have been stationed outside Brad Pitt's Malibu mansion since news of the Pontiff's remarks was made public, anxiously awaiting his comments on them. One British tabloid journalist put it succinctly: "The story really isn't complete without Brad's take on it, is it?"
This news source joins with all the other established news outlets in refusing to report the informed reactions of religious scholars to the Pope's comments since they are marked by balance and self-restraint and are likely to elicit boredom.
JIMMY "THE GREEK" SNYDER, DEAD SINCE 1996, CAN STILL PICK WINNERS
IT'LL BE THE BENGALS OVER THE STEELERS 28-20, SAYS "THE GREEK" THROUGH OUIJA BOARD
Welcome aboard to our newest contributor to this news source, Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder. The Greek has been dead since 1996, but he still has an uncanny knack for picking winners. This news source promises that if at any time the predictions from the ouija board are tainted with racism, they will no longer appear on this page.
But for now, with the game several hours away, The Greek picks the Bengals over the Steelers 28-20. "Ben isn't quite ready," said The Greek. "And Carson Palmer is out for blood."
Bush taken aback by Musharraf’s claim that US threatened to bomb Pakistan back to the Stone Age if it failed to cooperate in fight against terrorism
BUSH: "ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE. WE THREATENED TO BOMB THEM BACK TO THE DEVONIAN PERIOD, WELL BEFORE THE EXISTENCE OF EVEN PROTO-HOMINIDS, AND LONG BEFORE THE 'STONE AGE.'"
POPE SAYS REMARKS ON MUSLIMS WERE TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT, AGREES TO ATTEND SENSITIVITY TRAINING
VATICAN CITY - A blue-ribbon panel of Islamic scholars and Pope Benedict XVI hammered out a consent agreement yesterday hoping to bring a close to a tumultuous week of global protests following remarks by the Pope about Islam made during a recent pilgrimage to Germany.The consent agreement affirms the Pope's infallibility, but acknowledges that "even I make a mistake every now and then."
The agreement, signed this morning in the Vatican’s Department of Ecumenical Affairs, obligates the Pope to attend fifty hours of sensitivity and diversity training over the next three months. The training will include role-playing, strategies to improve interpersonal communication, and exercises designed to enhance awareness of cultural differences.
In return, the world's Muslims have agreed to attend a weekend seminar on non-violent conflict resolution to be held in Boulder, Colorado early next month. Mr. Richard Bonelli, President of the Boulder Chamber of Commerce and Bureau of Tourism, said the people of Boulder were "looking forward to hosting the world's Muslims," but asked for patience on the part of both visitors and local citizens. "Logistically, lines at the airport are going to be a little long," said Bonelli. "I suspect there are quite a few Muslims in the world."
The Pope, appearing on NBC’s The Today Show this morning, lashed out at the media for creating what he called "a holy mess" over the entire episode. "First of all, Matt," said the Pope, "My remarks were taken completely out of context." When host Matt Lauer asked the Pope to elaborate, he testily declined. Instead, he spoke of a need to "put this behind [him]. I just want to move forward now. See, all that business with the Muslims, that's all in the rear view mirror for me." The Pope expressed a desire to get back to the job "he was elected to do."
Copies of the consent decree will appear as an insert in this week’s edition of The Pittsburgh Catholic.
DeFazio to "retire" amidst charges that his office forced underlings to contribute to war chest; underlings forced to make retirement gift
PITTSBURGH - Sheriff Pete DeFazio likely will retire next month, but he denies it is avoid indictment by the U.S. Attorney on charges that the Sheriff's office hit up underlings for "contributions" to DeFazio's political war chest. The Sheriff's office is planning a farewell party for DeFazio. All Sheriff's office underlings are being hit up to give DeFazio a cash retirement gift.
In related news, Allegheny County executive Dan Onorato is attempting to contact Abdul Sharif, son of actor Omar Sharif, to see if he is interested in the sheriff's job. "I don't know anything about him," Onorato said, "but I think it would be cool to have a Sheriff Sharif."
Carbolic Smoke Ball endorses for mayor Mark Menold, a/k/a Professor Emcee Square, host of WBGN's "It's Alive"
PITTSBURGH - Although the timing of the next mayoral election is not settled, there is no uncertainty as to the identity of the best candidate. The Carbolic Smoke Ball declares, without fear of contradiction, that Mark Menold, host of Saturday night's "It's Alive" on WBGN-TV, is the greatest host of any television show in America. Pittsburgh has proven that it can garner national attention by having an atypical mayor. Boy mayor Luke Ravenstahl landed himself on the front page of the New York Times (which cited this Web site) and on the David Letterman Show simply because of his youth. Mr. Menold, with his green make-up and accent of indeterminate origin, will easily top that. Everybody in America will be talking about Pittsburgh if Mr. Menold were elected. Accordingly, our choice for mayor of Pittsburgh is Mark Menold, better known as Professor Emcee Square.
Mayor O'Connor's dying wish: "Send some goons to break Cincy Mayor's legs for welshing on playoff bet"
PITTSBURGH - As he lay dying, Mayor Bob O'Connor railed against Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory for his failure to fulfill the losing end of a wager made over the Steelers' January 8 playoff game against the Bengals. Mallory and O'Connor wagered that the leader of the city whose team lost the playoff game would visit the winner's town.
The Steelers won but Mallory never showed. Last month, two days before he died, the one thing on O'Connor's mind was that Mallory hadn't fulfilled his end of the deal."Exactly where is Mark Mallory?" O'Connor asked. "He's making me look ridiculous. And a man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous."
O'Connor ordered aide Dennis Regan to "hire some goons and take care of that son of a bitch. Breaks his legs or whatever." Regan's men paid a visit to the Cincinnati mayor last week.
This weekend, Mayor Mallory will hobble into Pittsburgh on crutches and sporting a black eye to fulfill his obligation as loser of the wager.
World's first penile transplant patient seeks divorce, "flash of recognition" that shot across wife's face when she first saw it was dead giveaway
PITTSBURGH - The Brentwood man who was the world's first penile transplant patient is seeking a divorce just one month after the historic operation. Bradleys Roadhouse, 41, suffered a circular saw accident last month that left him with a small stump where his penis had been. The new appendage came from a 22-year old brain dead donor who had worked as a pool boy at the South Hills Country Club, a club frequented by Roadhouse's wife.Roadhouse said that he "couldn't be happier" with his robust new organ. But he became concerned when his wife first saw it because a "flash of recognition" shot across her face. Worse, after several instances of lovemaking, he concluded that the transplanted appendage "knew its way around her a little too well." Roadhouse explained: "Let's just say it knew things it shouldn't have known."
Roadhouse investigated and discovered that his wife had frequent contact with the donor at the South Hills Country Club. "I concluded that my wife knew my penis in a previous life," he said.
Roadhouse knew what he had to do: "Either my new penis had to go, or my wife."
It was no contest. Roadhouse filed for a divorce, but his wife, Shelley, is fighting back and has spread the word at the country club that the stump that resulted from her husband's circular saw accident was not appreciably smaller than his original organ.
That, according to club members, was the cruelest cut of them all.
Wes Anderson to do frame-by-frame remake of Gus Van Sant's frame-by-frame remake of Hitchcock's Psycho
HOLLYWOOD - Director Wes Anderson has signed on to direct a frame-by-frame remake of Gus Van Sant's 1998 frame-by-frame remake of Alfred Hitchcock's 1960 classic Psycho.Every word of dialogue, every camera angle, every note of music will be exactly the same as in both the 1998 and 1960 versions. "I don't have to figure out camera angles or tinker with dialogue," Anderson said. "We're going to do it exactly as Gus [Van Sant] did it, frame-by-frame, and Gus [Van Sant] did it exactly as Hitchcock did it, frame-by-frame."
Anderson believes that another exact remake of the king of jolt flicks "is long overdue." He explained: "The kids who are starting college today were only ten years old when Gus [Van Sant's] remake came out, far too young to have seen it. Films made in 1998 are ancient."
"This is not your father's Psycho," Anderson said. He quickly corrected himself: "Well, actually it is your father's Psycho, and your grandfather's, too."
Coming soon: The Carbolic Smoke Ball on the air . . .
WDVE 102.5 MORNING SHOW . . . Details to follow
MAYOR RAVENSTAHL, IRON EYES CODY MAKE JOINT PUBLIC APPEARANCE AT HAZELWOOD CLEAN-UP
PITTSBURGH - Citing a need to keep Pittsburgh beautiful and to continue Mayor Bob O'Connor's "redd up" campaign, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl stood on a trash-strewn corner of Hazelwood this morning with iconic environmental symbol Iron Eyes Cody in an attempt to shame citizens into picking up litter. Both men spent the morning touring city neighborhoods on horseback and canoe, pausing only long enough to cast a baleful glance at landfills and polluted streams during the course of their journey. Both Cody and Ravenstahl shed a solitary tear after confronting a group of teenagers who threw plastic bags and cans from a moving vehicle, spilling the contents on the moccasins of both men.
The entire sobering trek through garbage-saturated city neighborhoods was filmed for a series of anti-littering public service announcements scheduled to begin airing sometime next year.
The only snag came when Cody, standing curbside in a Squirrel Hill residential area, began silently weeping when city refuse workers attempted to complete their weekly pick-up. "What’s the matter with you?" shouted one man, before the Mayor’s security team intervened. After receiving an explanation, the man apologized. "Sorry about that, Chief Crybaby," he said, before climbing aboard the side of his truck and moving to the next house on his route.
Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar said Ravenstahl would have no comment on the incident. Instead, he was asking the public to "look deeply into [Iron Eyes'] wizened face and mournful eyes, and allow the searing memory of his sorrowful visage to haunt you the next time you are tempted to defile this once beautiful land." Failing that, Skrinjar added, "the Mayor would just like you to clean up after yourself, for God's sake. He’s your Mayor, not your mother."
ACTOR WHO PORTRAYS ARCHBISHOP DONALD WUERL IN ALL HIS PUBLIC APPEARANCES CALLS IT QUITS
WASHINGTON - The actor who portrays Archbishop Donald Wuerl in all of Wuerl's public appearances is calling it quits after thirty-three years. Nathan Birnbaum, an orthodox Jew, has been the public face of the man recently named Archbishop of Washington, D.C. since the real Wuerl discovered him acting in summer stock theater in the Catskills in the early 1970's. Birnbaum had planned to retire earlier this year but stayed on several additional months to help ease Wuerl into his new position. The real Archbishop Wuerl, who resembles actor Jack Klugman, said that he is auditioning new actors to play him, including tough-guy actor Joe Pesci. Wuerl said that he's "impressed with Pesci's passion," but added that "he'll need to tone down the bad language a little if he wants to play me."
STEVE BLASS STRUGGLES TO THROW OUT FIRST PITCH, IS HUMILIATED WHEN JIM TRACY TAKES HIM OUT
PITTSBURGH - As part of a ceremony honoring Pirates broadcaster Steve Blass' years of service to the organization before Sunday's game against the Mets, Blass was slated to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. He took the mound all smiles but proceeded to lob one eight feet over the head of catcher Ron Paulino. Blass hung down his head and grimaced.Paulino signaled for him to throw another. This time, the ball sailed into the stands over the Mets' dugout, nipping funnyman vendor T.C. Congdon on the hand. "Wow!" Congdon shouted. "If I didn't know better, I'd say Steve Blass was back pitching."
Pirates pitching coach Jim Colburn strolled to the mound to calm down the 64-year old right hander. But after three more wild pitches, it was clear Blass had picked up exactly where he had left off when he was forced to retire in 1975 after an inexplicable loss of control. Finally, Pirates manager Jim Tracy had seen enough. He strolled to the mound and signaled for Manny Sanguillen, who runs Manny's Bar-B-Q at PNC Park behind the center field stands, to come in and throw out the first pitch.
Later, Tracy made little effort to hide his displeasure to reporters. "I didn't like what I saw out there, let's leave it at that," he said curtly. "Let's just say that's no way to start a ballgame, that's all."
A dejected Blass sat in a corner of the Pirates' broadcast booth with his head down. Unable to look a reporter in the eye, he blamed Jim Colburn for changing his delivery. "I was finally going to break out of the the slump, after thirty-three years, but then Colburn had to foul me up," he muttered. In the next breath he admitted that he "just didn't have it today, no excuses. I'm just going to have to go out and work harder for next time."
MOST HATE CRIMES DRIVEN BY LOATHING AND DETESTATION
WASHINGTON - An FBI study concluded that of the 7,649 hate crimes reported to the FBI last year, the great majority were driven by loathing and detestation. "Surpisingly," said FBI Director Robert Mueller, "very few hate crimes are fueled by tenderness and affection."The FBI said that the statistics show a 6% increase in loathing crimes and a 9% increase in detestation crimes over the previous year. "The reason this is good news is because there are too many senseless crimes nowadays committed by perfect strangers without the slightest hateful feeling for the victim," Mueller said. "We can only hope that these hate crime statistics herald a return to the good old days, when crime was committed by people who knew, and had reason to hate, the victim," he said. "For example, a wife lying-in-wait to kill her cheating husband. In days gone by, there was a real incentive to be nice to people: if you did something to tick off a loved one, you got blasted."
"Unfortunately, today you can walk out of your house and get a bullet between the eyes for no reason at all, fired by a total stranger," lamented Mueller. "A renaissance of traditional values is long overdue in this country. It's time to get crime off the streets and back in the kitchen where it belongs. Maybe, just maybe, this is the start of that."
POLICE RAID RAUCOUS FRAT PARTY ONLY TO FIND IT WAS MAYOR'S INAUGURAL BALL
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Police responded to multiple complaints about a raucous fraternity party in Oakland last night by raiding Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity house at the University of Pittsburgh, but they made no arrests because they quickly discovered it was Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's inaugural ball.Embarrassed police captain Vic Cianca explained: "It's a frat house, and it looked like a bunch of college kids carrying on like idiots. How were we supposed to know it was the mayor's [inaugural] ball? We're not accustomed to quite this level of debauchery from our mayors."
Cianca said that upon entering the house, police discovered "scores of drunken, underage" persons passed out and partially or, in some cases, fully unclad, sometimes one atop the other. Deafening music blared throughout the house. The smell of vomit that permeated the neighborhood had its epicenter in the living room.
Mayor Ravenstahl was partying with four female undergrads most of the evening. The mayor said that the young women "were helping me cram for a budget hearing." He winked, "We'll probably have to pull an all-nighter." Ravenstahl claimed the process was so intense he had to remove his shirt, and later other clothing.
Former mayor Tom Murphy attended the ball and he, too, was shirtless. Murphy was off in a corner by himself the entire evening.
Ironically on the same evening, the police blotter showed a raid on the Manor Theater in Squirrel Hill where the laughter of former mayor Sophie Masloff and several elderly lady friends reached "unacceptable decibel levels" due to the zany antics of 70-year old Woody Allen in his latest film, Scoop. Two of Ms. Masloff's companions got so carried away they removed their dresses and had to be arrested.
LARRY KING CELEBRATES ONE MILLIONTH UNCRITICAL REVIEW WITH PARTY IN HIS HONOR, CALLS PARTY "TERRIFIC"
HOLLYWOOD - CNN talk-show host Larry King celebrated his one-millionth uncritical review of a film this weekend with a party that included ten thousand of his closest celebrity friends. The cable gab-meister, known for his positive assessments of all things Hollywood, told the Carbolic Smoke Ball entertainment correspondent, "I'm all about the dish, but in my business I've got to avoid the pan."King's one-millionth celluloid endorsement reached newspapers in blurb form this past Friday, after he watched the first five minutes of an advance screening of Phil Joanou's newest offering, Gridiron Gang.
King, as a rule, uses one of two declarative sentences for each review. "My standard approach is either, "I loved this movie," or "This is a terrific film." When asked whether or not he ever wished to say more in his reviews, King declined. "I'm a word economist," he said. "Ernie Hemingway taught me that."
Citing the historic nature of his one millionth opportunity to deliver an enthusiastic appraisal for the public record, King pulled out all the stops. "I absolutely loved this movie, Gridiron Gang. This movie, Gridiron Gang, is a terrific film." King's words appeared in ten thousand newspapers and trade publications around the world within hours, but they extracted quite a cost. "I am exhausted," said King. "Writing that review took a lot out of me."
When this reporter inquired if King could recall ever dispensing a critical opinion, King became reflective. "I guess it was about six or seven wives ago," he began, before correcting himself. "I mean years ago. I trashed the first Mission Impossible. My verdict: "I liked this film." Jerry Bruckheimer called me up and yelled at me for half an hour. I told him Jerry, I've got my integrity. He laughed, and hung up. This is a tough business."
TWO BREAKING STORIES FROM NIAGARA FALLS
John Daly fails to drive ball over Niagara Falls in publicity stuntNIAGARA FALLS, Ont. (CP) - He huffed and he puffed but golfer John Daly couldn't drive a golf ball across the gorge at the Horseshoe Falls in a televised stunt Monday night. The 39-year-old PGA Tour veteran, promoting a new golf course in the region, smacked 20 balls from a platform in attempting to span the 342-yard distance to Goat Island in the Niagara River. Most of the balls disappeared into the mist that swirls near the falls. "Oh, well," Daly said. "No harm done."
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Woman killed by golf ball while riding “Maid of the Mist”
NIAGARA FALLS, Ont. (CP) - 59 year old Virginia Parker suffered a fatal blow to the head this morning while she was riding the legendary Niagara Falls sightseeing boat, Maid of the Mist. Ms. Parker was adjusting her raingear when a golf ball careened through the mist and struck her on the forehead.
Police have no leads on the perpetrator.
POPEYE DEAD, SAILOR MAN SUCCUMBS TO E COLI AFTER CONSUMING BAGGED SPINACH
KING SYNDICATE TOWN - Popeye The Sailor Man, beloved animated mariner, died of massive kidney failure yesterday after consuming a bag of raw spinach. It is believed the triple-washed, cello-packed spinach was infected with the E Coli bacteria. Authorities have traced the bag to Natural Selection Foods, a company based in San Juan Bautista, California. Natural Selection Foods is owned by Bluto, a man known for his violent altercations with Popeye over the affections of the anorexic, oval-eyed Olive Oyl. Mr. Bluto issued a statement this morning disavowing any knowledge that the spinach he presented Popeye in the middle of yesterday’s brawl between them was filled with anything but "green-leafed goodness." He added that his thoughts and prayers were with Popeye and his family, and that he looked forward to ravaging Ms. Oyl now that his former romantic rival was enduring the eternal flames of perdition. He concluded his statement with a deep, dark, drawn-out laugh. According to Ms. Oyl, Popeye staggered into his house and up the stairs early Sunday after a night of brawling. He collapsed as he entered his bedroom, falling into her arms. "It looks like I’m finished, I ate tainted spinach, tell Bluto I hate his guts," he said. "And then he gave two mournful blows of his corncob pipe, and died," said Ms. Oyl.
Lawyers for Ms. Oyl were simultaneously seeking a restraining order and preparing a wrongful death suit against Mr. Bluto. Criminal charges may still be filed. Funeral arrangements were incomplete.
WECHT PERFORMS SECOND AUTOPSY ON SON OF ANNA NICOLE SMITH, SEEMS DISTRACTED BY FEDERAL CHARGES AGAINST HIM
PRESS CONFERENCE REFERENCES TO SONNY VON BULOW AND "GRASSY KNOLL" SUGGEST HIS MIND IS ELSEWHERE
NASSAU, Bahamas - Internationally acclaimed forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht was retained by Anna Nicole Smith to perform a second autopsy on her 20-year old son, Daniel Wayne Smith, who died under suspicious circumstances last week.
But when the brilliant ex-coroner of Allegheny County met with reporters to answer questions regarding his preliminary findings, he seemed distracted by the Federal criminal charges pending against him in Pittsburgh stemming from alleged misuse of resources of the coroner's office. At times he lapsed into stock responses culled from a lifetime of celebrity autopsies.
"I have grave and significant suspicions about the role that the so-called Memphis mafia played in the death of this overweight, over-the-hill rock 'n roll star," Wecht said. Reporters exchanged confused glances but then one of them asked if Wecht had determined whether foul play could be ruled out. Wecht stated: "Well, I think there clearly is insufficient evidence to rule out the Ramseys or other family members as possible perpetrators." He added: "I mean, let's face it, Sonny von Bulow was a walking pharmacy, and there is every indication that she overdosed herself."
Wecht was asked if he felt the official government autopsy was in any way flawed. "If you're asking me about the Warren Commission report, my opinion is that it is absolute nonsense." He proceeded to launch into a diatribe about how the President's brain had not been preserved from the autopsy. "What manner of incompetence was involved here? And I unequivocally refute that this single 'magic' bullet could have caused the injuries I examined today. I submit that to find the cause of death, you need to look to the grassy knoll."
Wecht concluded the press conference by noting that "the patient I observed today in this 'Alien Autopsy' was anything but human."
Anna Nicole Smith thanked Wecht and told reporters that retaining him "was money of mine well-spent." Wecht said that the final results of his autopsy would be released in two weeks, and he promised some startling revelations about Sirhan Sirhan.
NASSAU, Bahamas - Internationally acclaimed forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht was retained by Anna Nicole Smith to perform a second autopsy on her 20-year old son, Daniel Wayne Smith, who died under suspicious circumstances last week.But when the brilliant ex-coroner of Allegheny County met with reporters to answer questions regarding his preliminary findings, he seemed distracted by the Federal criminal charges pending against him in Pittsburgh stemming from alleged misuse of resources of the coroner's office. At times he lapsed into stock responses culled from a lifetime of celebrity autopsies.
"I have grave and significant suspicions about the role that the so-called Memphis mafia played in the death of this overweight, over-the-hill rock 'n roll star," Wecht said. Reporters exchanged confused glances but then one of them asked if Wecht had determined whether foul play could be ruled out. Wecht stated: "Well, I think there clearly is insufficient evidence to rule out the Ramseys or other family members as possible perpetrators." He added: "I mean, let's face it, Sonny von Bulow was a walking pharmacy, and there is every indication that she overdosed herself."
Wecht was asked if he felt the official government autopsy was in any way flawed. "If you're asking me about the Warren Commission report, my opinion is that it is absolute nonsense." He proceeded to launch into a diatribe about how the President's brain had not been preserved from the autopsy. "What manner of incompetence was involved here? And I unequivocally refute that this single 'magic' bullet could have caused the injuries I examined today. I submit that to find the cause of death, you need to look to the grassy knoll."
Wecht concluded the press conference by noting that "the patient I observed today in this 'Alien Autopsy' was anything but human."
Anna Nicole Smith thanked Wecht and told reporters that retaining him "was money of mine well-spent." Wecht said that the final results of his autopsy would be released in two weeks, and he promised some startling revelations about Sirhan Sirhan.
Political cartoon in today's Tehran Press depicts Muhammad scowling at Pope
MUHAMMAD SCOWLS AT THE POPE
END IS NEAR FOR MUHAMMAD ALI, WANTS TO PUNCH JOE FRAZIER IN THE FACE ONE LAST TIME
SCOTTSDALE - The National Enquirier reports that Muhammad Ali is living out his final days near Scottsdale, ravaged by Parkinson's syndrome, weak and barely able to speak. Friends say they know the boxing legend is in his final days because last week he called for his three-time opponent and former heavy-weight champ Joe Frazier so that Ali could "punch him in the face one last time." When Ali's wife Yolanda related the invitation to "Smokin' Joe," she was more diplomatic, saying that Ali "wants to say goodbye to you in person." Frazier has personally disliked Ali since the two men first fought in 1971 because Ali took every opportunity to publicly disparage Frazier, routinely insulting his intelligence and referring to him as a “gorilla.” But sympathetic to Ali's condition, Frazier agreed to make the trek to the Arizona desert.
When Frazier was ushered into Ali's living room, he was shocked by Ali's appearance. Frazier made polite small talk for ten minutes but the blank look on Ali's face made him believe Ali did not even know he was there. Frazier decided to cut short his visit and started to get up to leave when, WHAM! Ali let loose a left from out of nowhere, clipping Frazier solidly on the chin and sending him to the floor.
A stunned Frazier angrily accused Ali of making a fool of him. Ali's wife Yolanda diffused the tension by telling Frazier that Ali "was just being playful," and that sometimes he has one good punch in him, but never more than one. "Okay," said a suspicious Frazier, rubbing his chin. Frazier slowly sat down again and started reminiscing about Don King when, WHAM! Ali delivered a solid right to the nose, this time drawing blood.
"That's it, that's it," shouted Frazier. "I'm out of here. For thirty-five years he's been doing this to me!" Yolanda ushered him to the door, apologizing profusely. "It's not your fault," said Frazier. "Well, I'm so glad you understand," said Yolanda. Frazier extended his hand to shake hers. "I'm sorry this didn't go better --" But then, WHAM! Yolanda floored him with a left uppercut to the chin.
A dazed Frazier struggled to get up. "You people are crazy," he shouted as he ran out. From his chair in the corner of the room, tears of joy streamed down Ali's face.
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