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P.S. We are receiving an overwhelming response for our Person of the Year Contest. Don't forget to send your nomination to thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com
Join us Fridays on DVE's Morning Show with Jim and Randy, Pittsburgh's top-rated radio show
P.S. We are receiving an overwhelming response for our Person of the Year Contest. Don't forget to send your nomination to thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com
Co-founder of Häagen-Dazs dies
HACKENSACK, N.J. - Rose Mattus, 90, co-founder with her late husband Reuben of super-rich Häagen-Dazs ice cream, has died. "Rose and Reuben were legends in the ice cream field," said Jerry Greenfield, who co-founded Ben & Jerry's. Häagen-Dazs is a nonsensical name, meaning nothing in any language.
Ms. Mattus died of Bäanifa-Jol, a made-up disease that means nothing in any language, according to her physician Dr. Jingo Bang, an imaginary doctor.
The nominations are streaming in . . .
The nominations for our Person of the Year award are streaming in, and they are all worthy contenders. We've received nominations for Mayor Ravenstahl, Ben Roethlisberger, Joey Porter, Dick Skrinjar, Dick Cheney, John Mark Karr, Martha Fleishman, President Bush, Bill Cowher, the Nutting family, and two very persuasive nominations for Duce Staley and Dennis Regan. That is a stellar class.Be sure to add your two cents at thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com
IT'S TIME TO SUBMIT YOUR NOMINATIONS FOR OUR PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD
We need to hear from you. Submit your nomination for Carbolic Smoke Ball Person of the Year to: thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com Your email address will not be posted, but the most "creative" nomination, as determined by Judge Peckham and our Board of Trustees, will be awarded an authentic Carbolic Smoke Ball shirt -- first batch is now in production (on sale next week).The Carbolic Smoke Ball Person of the Year is the most prestigious award in cyberspace, chosen annually by this publication since 1933. This year's selection will be announced December 22 at a gala awards ceremony in the ballroom of the Waldorf-Astoria in New York City. The winner's name will be inscribed on the Carbolic Cup with all the others.
The Person of the Year is the person or animal who has made the greatest contribution to simulated news in the past year. Nominees for Person of the Year are submitted by the readers of this Web site, and the final selection is made by Judge Peckham, in consultation with our Board of Trustees. The winner will be accorded the title of Person of the Year for a full three hundred and sixty-five calendar days, unless stripped of the title by the Judge or the Board of Trustees for reasons in their sole and arbitrary discretion. In the event the Person of the Year is, for any reason, unable to perform the Person of the Year duties, including but not limited to personal appearances, USO tours, organ donations, game-show guest spots, radio interviews, autograph signings, and photo shoots, the title will revert to the previous winner, or to some other person that Judge Peckham feels like giving it to. Don't delay! Email your nominee today.
PAST CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL PERSONS OF THE YEAR
1933 (Tie) Baron Von Hindenburg, Zeppo Marx
1934 Tom Joad
1935 (Tie) Una O'Connor, Julius Marx
1936 General Francisco Franco
1937 (Tie) Charlie McCarthy, Thomas Jefferson (posthumous)
1938 Mortimer Snerd
1939 Joachim Von Ribbentrop
1940 Leon Trotsky
1941 (Tie) Joe Dimaggio, Hideki Tojo
1942 Sydney Greenstreet
1943 General George S. Patton
1944 Leo Gorcey
1945 Eva Braun
1946 Enos "Country" Slaughter
1947 Frank Sinatra
1948 J. Robert Oppenheimer
1949 (Tie) Alger Hiss, Bill Veeck
1950 Whittaker Chambers
1951 Bobby Thompson
1952 Senator Joseph McCarthy
1953 Terry Malloy
1954 (Tie) Johnny Friendly, Joseph Welch
1955 Senator Estes Kevaufer
1956 The American Housewife
1957 Governor Orvil Faubus
1958 (Tie) Vice-President Richard Nixon, The Nairobi Trio
1959 Robert Stack
1960 (Tie) Joseph Kennedy, Sr., Bill Mazeroski
1961 (Tie) Debbie Reynolds, Eddie Fisher
1962 Fidel Castro
1963 (Tie) Jack Ruby, The June Taylor Dancers
1964 Sonny Liston
1965 George Lazenby
1966 Adam West
1967 (Tie) Timothy Leary, Quinn Martin
1968 (Tie) Jack Webb, The Silent Majority
1969 (Tie) The American Hippie, Jack Webb
1970 President Richard Nixon
1971 Roberto Clemente
1972 Vice-President Spiro Agnew
1973 Mary Richards
1974 (Tie) Governor Milton Shapp, Meadowlark Lemon
1975 (Tie) Bob Prince and Bernie Carbo
1976 (Tie) John-Boy Walton, Ron Stackhouse
1977 Bella Abzug
1978 Billy Carter
1979 Lynda Carter
1980 (Tie) John Anderson, Eugene "Jeep" DePasquale, Michelle Madoff
1981 Larry Hagman
1982 Pac-Man
1983 (Tie) Ayatollah Khomeini, Clara Peller
1984 George Orwell
1985 Reverend D. Douglas Roth
1986 (Tie) Scott Baio, Cyril Wecht
1987 Mikhail Gorbachev
1988 Dan Quayle
1989 Earl Anthony
1990 Chuck Noll
1991 Paul Reuben
1992 Francisco Cabrera
1993 Newt Gingrich
1994 O.J. Simpson
1995 Neil O'Donnell
1996 Roseanne Barr
1997 Chuckles, the fresh water dolphin
1998 Mayor Tom Murphy
1999 Mulu Birru
2000 Kordell Stewart
2001 A Space Odyssey
2002 Derek Bell (the baseball player)
2003 (Tie) Vice-President Dick Cheney, T.C. Congdon (vendor)
2004 (Tie) Uday and Qusay Hussein
2005 Jim Ecker
WIKIPEDIA "VOLUNTEER EDITORS" CONFINED TO BELLEVUE MENTAL HOSPITAL ANGRY THAT ENCYCLOPEDIA MONITORS THEIR ENTRIES
PATIENTS' THERAPY WILL SUFFER SIGNIFICANT SET-BACK IF ENCYCLOPEDIA ADOPTS SANITY REQUIREMENT FOR CONTRIBUTORS, SAYS DOCTOR NEW YORK - For the past year, a group of patients confined to Bellevue Hospital's psychiatric ward, many in strait-jackets, have acted as "contributing editors" to Wikipedia, the on-line encyclopedia written by anyone with access to a computer, as part of their long-term therapy. Dr. Miles Sinclair says that the patients are "disappointed" that in the wake of pranksters making phony entries to the encyclopedia, Wikipedia requires contributors to register, and they are hoping this does not lead to the encyclopedia limiting who can be a contributor. They are especially concerned that a sanity requirement might be imposed.
Jimmy "Jingo" Bang, a resident of Bellevue for twenty years, doesn't want anyone to interfere with his work for Wikipedia. Bang's specialty is Napoleon Bonaparte, and Dr. Sinclair explained that Bang is able to crank out article after article about Bonaparte because he believes he is Bonaparte. Bang says simply that his work "is all for the glory of France."
Dr. Sinclair said that the patients' long-term therapy would suffer a significant setback if Wikipedia imposed a sanity requirement. Such a decision, Sinclair said, would be "crazy."
RACHEL RAY CUTS SHORT LOCAL FILM SESSION
PITTSBURGH - Food Network celebrity Rachel Ray, host of the popular show “$40 A Day," today abruptly cut short a locally scheduled filming for her popular series. It is unclear whether the show will be completed. Ray began the film session with a stop at Heinz Field to try out its famed concession stand offerings. A box of popcorn and a Diet Pepsi later, Ray had blown her entire $40 and actually needed to borrow money from her film crew in order to settle up with the vendors. Before boarding her flight back to New York, Ray said: “At those prices, they should change their name to the Stealers."
CASTRO A NO-SHOW AT BIRTHDAY BASH, FEARED GRAVELY ILL; DICK SKRINJAR HEADS TO CUBA TO ORCHESTRATE DAMAGE CONTROL
HAVANA - Fidel Casto failed to make an appearance at his delayed 80th birthday party celebration, prompting analysts to speculate that he is gravely ill. Cuba's acting President, Raul Castro, brother of Fidel, announced this afternoon that Pittsburgh's mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar is en route to Havana to serve as Presidential spokesman in order to "allay fears about the health of our President, Fidel Castro." Skrinjar said in a phone interview that Fidel Castro "is fine, never better, in fact I just spoke with him. He just finished playing tennis. He's giving orders and can't wait to get back to work. He just had a little stomach problem, that's all, but he's resting comfortably and is on the road to recovery. He'll be back in the President's Palace in a very short time."
From the Carbolic Smoke Ball Archives: November 19, 1863
PRESIDENT LINCOLN STILL NOT PREPARED TO CALL THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR A CIVIL WAR
GETTYSBURG - President Lincoln met with reporters here today immediately following a dedication ceremony for the Soldiers National Cemetery in an effort to assure the country that we are not in the midst of a civil war.
Lincoln, who delivered an address critics are calling "of little note, lackluster, and devoid of a single memorable phrase," was in a combative mood at his press conference. When UPI White House correspondent Helen Thomas asked Lincoln whether or not the escalating violence across the nation meant we were drifting into a civil war, Lincoln evaded the question. "I'm not ready to call it that," he said. When Thomas asked how he would define the conflict, Lincoln said he saw it as a war between "evildoers and gooddoers." Lincoln added that he believed this is how future historians would identify the clash between the Union and the Confederacy for the duration of time.
The President fielded several other questions, ranging from the innocuous "Boxers or briefs?" to the substantive. One man asked Lincoln how he feels about calls for the dismissal of embattled Secretary of War Edwin Stanton. "Eddie's doin' a heckuva job," he said. Inevitably, the questions returned to the war, and what it should be called. Increasingly, the President grew irritable. "Look, to me a civil war is a lot like pornography," he said. "I can't tell you what it is, but I know it when I see it."
POPE DEFUSES TENSIONS IN TURKEY WITH SOFT SHOE ROUTINE, PONTIFF'S "HAPPY FEET" PUTS MUSLIMS AT EASE
UPON ARRIVAL AT ANKARA AIRPORT, POPE SHOUTS "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"
ANKARA - Pope Benedict put his Turkish hosts at ease on his first day in Ankara by launching into an impromptu soft shoe act at an airport reception, pausing at just the right moments to toss off one-liners. "It's so hot in Ankara," the Pope riffed, "that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog. Rimshot!" The delighted Muslims called for two encores and threw Turkish coins at the Pontiff.
Benedict's vaudeville routine went a long way toward making up for a speech in Germany last September when he quoted a Byzantine emperor who said Islam was violent and irrational. The speech prompted some Muslims to behave violently and irrationally.
The only tense moment during the reception occurred when a motorcycle on an adjoining street backfired. The Pope dove to the ground and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Christians, get down! Mercy, they're going to kill us all!" It quickly became apparent that the Pope was in no danger, and an embarrassed Benedict defused the tension by again launching into a soft shoe.
ANKARA - Pope Benedict put his Turkish hosts at ease on his first day in Ankara by launching into an impromptu soft shoe act at an airport reception, pausing at just the right moments to toss off one-liners. "It's so hot in Ankara," the Pope riffed, "that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog. Rimshot!" The delighted Muslims called for two encores and threw Turkish coins at the Pontiff.Benedict's vaudeville routine went a long way toward making up for a speech in Germany last September when he quoted a Byzantine emperor who said Islam was violent and irrational. The speech prompted some Muslims to behave violently and irrationally.
The only tense moment during the reception occurred when a motorcycle on an adjoining street backfired. The Pope dove to the ground and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Christians, get down! Mercy, they're going to kill us all!" It quickly became apparent that the Pope was in no danger, and an embarrassed Benedict defused the tension by again launching into a soft shoe.
DISCRIMINATION WATCHDOG GROUP NAMES INSTITUTIONS THAT SET RACE RELATIONS BACK THE MOST IN 2006
SIGMA CHI FRATERNITY TOPS LIST FOR ITS "HALLOWEEN IN THE HOOD" PARTY; NEXT ON THE LIST: THE SEINFELD SHOW
POPE APOLOGIZES TO MUSLIMS ON LETTERMAN SHOW
NEW YORK - Two months after Pope Benedict XVI touched off fury across the Islamic world with remarks linking violence and Prophet Muhammad, he appeared on the David Letterman Show via satellite during his flight from Rome to Ankara last night to apologize to the Muslims. "For me to be at a symposium and say this stuff, I'm deeply, deeply sorry," said the Pope. "I'm not a racist. That's what's so insane about this," he added, his tone becoming frustrated as he defended himself.Jerry Seinfeld arranged for the Pope to appear on the program.
SKRINJAR MEETS WITH REPORTERS, OFFERS UPBEAT ASSESSMENT OF STEELERS POST-SEASON CHANCES
PITTSBURGH - Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar met with reporters today and provided an optimistic report on the state of the Steelers post-season chances. "Nothing I've seen so far has given me any reason to doubt they'll repeat as Super Bowl Champions," said Skrinjar. "I would advise anyone within the sound of my voice to begin making reservations for Miami right now." Miami is the host city for Super Bowl Forty-One. When a reporter asked if he had any idea how Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was feeling this morning, hours after being sacked nine times by the Baltimore Ravens, Skrinjar nodded. "Ben is doing great," he said. "He's entirely bruise and pain-free." Skrinjar added that Roethlisberger was looking forward to resuming all of the normal activities that a quarterback performs. Asked how soon he thought that might occur, Skrinjar said initially he thought it would be a matter of days. He quickly upgraded that to hours. Then, he said, "we're looking at a matter of seconds."
Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Bill Cowher said he appreciated the support of Mr. Skrinjar. "Dick's always been a glass is half-full type of guy," said Cowher. "Even when anyone can plainly see the glass is empty."
Skrinjar refused to speculate on whether or not the latest Steelers loss eliminated them from possibly winning the AFC North Division . "Loss?" he asked. "What are you talking about?" He then began a series of phone calls to city officials inquiring about the status of plans for the Steelers Victory Parade following a triumphant defense of their title. "We're looking at the Wednesday after they get back from Miami ," he said.
JOEY PORTER NAMED NFL DEFENSIVE TRASH-TALKER OF THE WEEK
NEW YORK - The Associated Press Football Writers of America have named Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Joey Porter NFL Defensive Trash-Talker of the Week for his on-field remarks made during Sunday's Steelers loss to the Baltimore Ravens. Porter was credited for five bon mots, six stinging ripostes, eight acerbic asides, and twelve devastating put-downs, ten of which were unassisted. Porter is a three time winner of the NFL's Oscar Wilde Award, given annually to the player who most embodies the rapier wit of the famed playwright. Finalists for this years award will be announced during Super Bowl week.
INDUSTRY CONSENSUS: MICHAEL RICHARDS WASHED UP, WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER TV SHOW OR FILM
. . . AND THAT WAS BEFORE THE COMEDY CLUB OUTBURST
ROETHLISBERGER ACCEPTS BLAME, SAVAGE BEATING IN RAVENS LOSS
BALTIMORE - Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger once again displayed his extraordinary character by accepting full responsibility for the Steelers' loss yesterday to the Baltimore Ravens. Roethlisberger also accepted the savage beating administered to him by numerous members of the Baltimore Ravens. "They did a great job," said Roethlisberger. "They nearly killed me." Big Ben was unsparing in his assessment of his own performance. "Don't blame anyone but me for this one," he said, reading from a prepared text on his wrist-band. "I've got to get the job done out there." The young quarterback refused to point any fingers. Instead, he deflected all criticism away from his teammates and directed it to himself. "I don't care if ten guys are tearing me limb from limb, if I'm on my back with six pairs of spikes stomping on my throat, I've got to find a way to get the ball into the end zone."
Roethlisberger's comments were nearly identical to those he made following Steelers' losses to Jacksonville, Cincinnati, Atlanta, Oakland, Denver, and San Diego. When asked if his expression of remorse was a calculated way to craft a public image of maturity and leadership created by his agent, Roethlisberger nodded. "If you're not buying this, or if you're having a hard time believing my sincerity, that's my fault," he said. "I've got to be more credible." Roethlisberger apologized for what he said was a sub-par reading of his scripted remarks. "I'm going to keep working every day," he vowed, "and the next time I come out here to take responsibility for a loss, I'm going to be better."
HUNTING SEASON BEGINS
VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY'S STAFF, WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYEES ORDERED TO WEAR ONE-HUNDRED SQUARE INCHES OF FLUORESCENT ORANGE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
STEELERS LOSE BIG TO RAVENS, COWHER BLAMES LETHARGIC EFFORT ON TRYPTOPHAN, EXCESSIVE HOLIDAY SHOPPING
BALTIMORE - Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Bill Cowher blamed a large pre-game meal of Thanksgiving leftovers for his team's lethargic performance against the Baltimore Ravens Sunday. Speaking to reporters in his post-game press conference, Cowher accepted full responsibility for the loss. "I was the one who brought the turkey," he said. "You can put that one on me." Many nutritionists feel the large amount of tryptophan in turkey helps the human brain produce niacin, which creates serotonin, which causes feelings of drowsiness, which could result in a lack of focus, which can often lead to a disastrous football game. "There is a fine line in this business between how much turkey a team can consume before lining up against a divisional opponent," said Cowher. "Today, I believe we crossed that line."
Cowher also said he did not think his players prepared as diligently this week as they had in previous weeks. "There were a lot of distractions to deal with," he said. "I saw a lot of guys in meetings thumbing through the Target and Best Buy circulars when they should have been watching film." Cowher refused to single out any individual players, but he said reports that the entire offensive line spent eight hours waiting for doors to open at Circuit City for Play Station Three early Friday morning were accurate. "At least they hit somebody that day," he said.
Coming this week: The Carbolic Shirt
This week, the Web site touted by the New York Times as "the city's equivalent of The Onion" (this Web site) will bring you the official Carbolic Smoke Ball shirt, containing many of our landmark headlines. If you want to give someone a truly unique Pittsburgh Christmas gift -- trust me, look no further -- this is it. Stay tuned.
The nuns continue their good work among the poor
"Just remember to count your blessings because there is always someone worse off than you are. Well, in your case, that may not be true, but count your blessing nonetheless."
KDKA PROMOTIONS FOR MARTY GRIFFIN REPORTS LEAD TO RASH OF SUICIDES
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Police have determined that KDKA promotions for reports by Marty Griffin have had led to "dozens, perhaps hundreds" of suicides similar to the one earlier this month that followed the station's promo accusing a local minister of "public and illegal sexual behavior." Police are compiling a complete list of suicides directly related to promos for Griffin stories and said it includes, among many others, Kurt Cobain, Jim Jones, Freddie Prinze, George Reeves and Joseph Goebbels. KDKA general manager Chris Pike said the station would have no comment about the suicides except to express condolences to the families of the deceased. Pike proceeded to justify the promos by explaining that KDKA had "conducted extensive investigations into reports of behavior by each [of the suicide victims] that would have yielded stories appealing to the prurient interests of the station's audience during crucial sweeps periods."
PRESIDENT'S ASIA TRIP: BUSH DEVISES SCHEME TO BE SENT HOME EARLY FROM VIETNAM: DONS DRESS AND PULLS A "CORPORAL KLINGER"
PRESIDENT WORE SAME OUTFIT TO AVOID DRAFT IN THE '60's
"STEAM TRAIN MAURY," GRAND PATRIARCH OF THE HOBOS, IS DEAD AT 89
COLLEGE OF HOBOS TO MEET IN CONCLAVE AT HOBO CITY IN ROME TO VOTE FOR SUCCESSOR. WHITE SMOKE MEANS A NEW PATRIARCH HAS BEEN SELECTED; BLACK SMOKE JUST MEANS THEY ARE COOKING AN OLD SHOE FOR DINNER.
BUSH ASKS PUTIN TO "DEAL WITH" KIM JONG-IL OVER NUCLEAR STANDOFF
BUSH WANTS RUSSIAN PRESIDENT TO TAKE KOREAN DESPOT TO LUNCH AND "SERVE HIM SOME OF YOUR RADIOACTIVE TEA"
Litvinenko died of same radiation dosage that unleashed Godzilla
AUTHORITIES WATCHING RUSSIAN'S BODY CLOSELY; WORLD'S ARMED FORCES ON HIGH ALERT
Pittsburgh Symphony calls fireworks night inside Heinz Hall "a disaster"
PSO WILL CONTINUE THE "HOT DOG SHOOT" AND PIEROGI RACES AT ALL CONCERTS AFTER FIRE DAMAGE TO HALL IS REPAIRED
EX-KGB AGENT SAID PUTIN POISONED HIM BY ENGINEERING "THE OLD SWITCHEROO"
BEFORE HIS DEATH, ALEXANDER LITVINENKO CLAIMED HIS DINNER COMPANION DISTRACTED HIM, THEN SWITCHED DRINKS
MAYOR OF BAGHDAD ASKS LOCAL MILITIAS TO SUSPEND KIDNAPPINGS, BOMBINGS DURING HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
Analysts say explosions, mass killings may have an effect on Iraqi consumer confidence
THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND MARCH ON NFL OFFICE DEMANDING LEAGUE REMOVE DETROIT LIONS FROM THANKSGIVING DAY SCHEDULE
Fans ask: "How are we supposed to eat after watching them play?"
FUMING SEINFELD PLANS TO DIGITALLY MANIPULATE OLD SHOW TO REPLACE MICHAEL RICHARDS WITH JIM CARREY
HOLLYWOOD - Jerry Seinfeld, fuming over Michael Richards' racial tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club, has ordered every episode of his classic television show Seinfeld digitally manipulated to replace Richards with comic actor Jim Carrey. "Jim was gracious enough to step in at this unfortunate moment, and the sooner we excise the cancer from the show, the better," Seinfeld told Variety last night. He said that the first shows to be digitally manipulated will be from season four, widely regarded as the series' best. Seinfeld said Carrey will not be doing an impersonation of Richards, but "will inject his own brand of comic genius" into the show. He urged his fans who previously bought the show on DVD to "destroy" their copies and to replace them with the manipulated episodes as they become available.
CIGAR-CHOMPING ROONEY STATUE TO BE MOVED TO FEDERAL STREET BAR TO COMPLY WITH NEW ANTI-SMOKING LAW
PITTSBURGH - When Allegheny County's smoking ban goes into effect, smokers desiring to continue their habit will need to find a bar that has fewer than ten employees and food sales accounting for less than ten percent of its revenue. Accordingly, the Steelers have made arrangements to move the cigar-chomping statue of Steelers' founder Art Rooney to the second stool to the right of the illegal video poker machine at Bradley's Roadhouse Tavern on Federal Street.
CYRIL WECHT HASN'T BEEN PAID BY ANNA NICOLE SMITH FOR SON'S AUTOPSY, OR BY PLANET XENON FOR ALIEN AUTOPSIES
PITTSBURGH - Dr. Cyril Wecht said he hasn't been paid by Anna Nicole Smith for the autopsy he performed on her son. Nor has he been paid for hundreds of alien autopsies he performed for Planet Xenon, the sixth planet in a dual-star solar system approximately 110 light years from earth. Wecht said he is discussing the Smith invoices with her attorneys, and expects that matter to be resolved. In addition, Wecht said, he is having direct discussions with TriFlugor-Rydny, Imperial Ruler of Planet Xenon, regarding his invoice for the alien autopsies and is optimistic that an amicable resolution will be reached.
Alan Greenspan Sues Former Controller Tom Flaherty
PITTSBURGH - Former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, has sued former City Controller Tom Flaherty to prevent him from legally changing his name to “Alan Greenspan.” Flaherty filed the name change petition last week. The lawsuit, filed November 17 in the Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas, alleges that Flaherty’s name change is for the "sole purpose of taking advantage of Greenspan's notoriety in an attempt to regain credibility as a fiscal watchdog."
Greenspan’s lawsuit also alleges that Flaherty (pictured above) has recently undergone reconstructive surgery to attempt to take on the former Federal Reserve Chairman’s appearance. Flaherty, speaking to reporters this afternoon, denied that he had recently undergone plastic surgery, and referred all further inquiries to his attorney, David Armstrong.
IRAN STATE TELEVISION TO REBROADCAST CLASSIC 1977 FAMILY FEUD EPISODE PITTING THE PAHLAVIS AGAINST THE KHOMEINIS
Viewers excited about opportunity to see Richard Dawson kiss the Ayatollah
LOCAL BUSINESSMAN STARTS SERVICE TO COMPETE WITH DOCUMENT DESTRUCTION COMPANIES
NOAH SWAYNE WARRANTS THAT IF DOCUMENTS ARE GIVEN TO HIM, THEY'LL DISAPPEAR FOREVER -- BECAUSE HE'LL LOSE THEMPITTSBURGH - Document destruction has become big business as companies become ever more sensitive to the need to protect clients' confidential information.
But local businessman Noah Swayne says that document destruction companies don't cut it. "Anybody can shred documents," Swayne said. "The problem is, the paper still exists, albeit in shredded form."
Swayne is touting a foolproof service for a fraction of what the big companies charge: "If you really want a document to disappear forever, just give it to me. I warrant that no one will ever see it again," Swayne said. Swayne's secretary, Velveeta Lugosi-Ravenstahl, concurs: Swayne will lose any document given to him within three minutes of its receipt. "Just put something on his desk and it's gone."
Ms. Lugosi-Ravenstahl requests that any orders for this service be sent to her attention "because if they're sent to [Swayne], he'll just lose them."
BAGHDAD CITY COUNCIL PASSES BILL ALLOWING FREE DOWNTOWN PARKING AFTER FOUR O'CLOCK ON WEEKDAYS
Chamber of Commerce, merchants hail move as "a first step" towards revitalizing Baghdad commercial district
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