COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - The so-called "gender" feminists have it all wrong. They are correct when they say there is a patriarchy that governs all social structures, but they're wrong when they talk about it as an abstraction. The Board of Governors of the Federal Patriarchal System is me and two other guys. I am currently serving my seventh 6-year term. We regulate the Patriarchy. Every American male 18 and older is a voting member.The Board of Governors is charged with maintaining the male privileged social order in a variety of ways far too complex to detail here. Among other things, we periodically adjust the glass ceiling and the gender wage differential, much like the Federal Reserve Bank adjusts the prime lending rate, but only in the smallest increments necessary to appease women and, thus, maintain the social order.
When boys' test scores lag behind girls', we subtly revise the SAT to skew the results in ways favoring males. Unfortunately, we expect we will need to do this with greater frequency in the future because the average teenage male's mind is turning to rot by spending virtually all his spare time playing video games and masturbating. Teenage girls, on the other hand, actually read a great deal. Our latest excuse for the failings of the younger members of our gender is that the classroom setting, which the Patriarchy established long before girls were permitted to attend school, is much too disciplined for our naturally rambunctious boys.
Our strongest defense in maintaining male domination is to divert women's attention from real issues of equality with a "straw man" that is easily knocked down: the radical gender feminist. The Patriarchy secretly invented several of the best known radical feminists as well as their pithy catchphrases ("Man-hating is an honorable and viable political act." "All men are rapists." "Kill your fathers, not your mothers." I am proud that I wrote each of these).
The Patriarchy also secretly runs the most popular of the radical feminist blogs. These blogs, which attract the lunatic man-hating fringe, espouse hysterical dogma so patently inane that the vast majority of women immediately dismiss it as lacking any credibility. Among other idiotic concoctions found on these blogs are the following (again, my inventions): "The crucifixion is just another blood sacrifice fixated on by men who were/are pissed off because they can’t menstruate." And: "The male sex represents a degeneration and deformity of the female." There is even a "ban all urinals" movement, invented by another member of our Board of Governors, which teaches that men who stand while urinating are triumphing in their masculinity and, thus, are misogynists. (I could just kick myself for not coming up with that one.) Of course, when we're pretending to be radical feminist bloggers, we make sure to sprinkle our diatribes with abusive and foul language, a hallmark of modern militant feminism. We do all these things to insure that no one takes seriously any attacks on the Patriarchy.
I will end on a sobering note, but one that is necessary to make: If the Board of Governors ever loses control and the militant feminists take up arms and start the "revolution" they dream about, I'm afraid we'll have no choice but to destroy them all. So please, let me and the other two chief Patriarchs do our job, and no one gets hurt.
