MOQTADA AL-SADR OF TURTLE CREEK CONSTANTLY MISTAKEN FOR RADICAL SHIITE CLERIC WHO SHARES HIS NAME
LOCAL MAN SAYS HE'S THINKING OF CHANGING HIS PHONE NUMBER
WHITE HOUSE GIFT SHOP SELLS OUT OF "I'M THE DECISION-MAKER" COFFEE MUGS, APRONS
NEW SHIPMENT EXPECTED TO ARRIVE TUESDAY
RENDELL SENDS CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL ON FACT-FINDING MISSION TO MARS
LT. GOVERNOR TOLD TO SCOUT POSSIBLE STAND-ALONE CASINO SITES ON RED PLANET
BARBARO LIVES! SPOTLIGHT-SHUNNING CHAMP FAKES DEATH TO LIVE IN NIRVANA OF PINA COLADAS AND BEAUTIFUL BABES
La Dolce Vita! Barbaro seen here with Bo Derek at swanky St. Bart’s resort
GUS THE GROUNDHOG TO CHALLENGE PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL FOR STATE SUPREMACY
“I’m tired of living in his shadow,” Gus says
PUNXSUTAWNEY – Pennsylvania Lottery spokesman Gus the Groundhog will meet defending champ Punxsutawney Phil for the state groundhog championship this Friday. The contest starts at 6 AM on Phil’s home field in Punxsutawney, and thousands of fans are expected to attend.
Phil has long held the state’s number one ranking, but Gus is just behind him in second place. “Gus could surprise a lot of people,” Department of Natural Resources biologist Bob Brenneman said. “Gus looks to be in better shape than Phil, and he’s been doing a lot of scratchin’. That could help him late in the contest. Phil may be taking the challenge too lightly by sleeping all the way up to game time.”
Phil has thousands of supporters in Western Pennsylvania, and he endeared himself to Steelers’ fans in 2006 by emerging from his den holding a Terrible Towel. After a mediocre Steelers’ season, however, it remains to be seen if Steeler fans will come out en masse to support him. Gus, on the other hand, has built up a fan base throughout the state with frequent television appearances and by handing out cash to state residents.
"There’s so many intangibles here,” biologist Brenneman said. “Fan support is important. Weather could be a factor. Phil has championship experience and guys in top hats behind him, but Gus is young and hungry. It could simply come down to who wants it more.”
Governor Ed Rendell will present the championship block of wood to the winner. Both groundhogs are expected to sleep for six weeks following the contest.
WHAT’S EATING JIM MOTZNIK?
PITTSBURGH - This reliable news publication has learned that the source of Pittsburgh City Councilor Jim Motznik’s discontent has little to do with recent allegations against him by local pundit and blogger John McIntire and more to do with a sobering discovery he made while plotting his next political stratagem. A colleague close to the councilor, who declined to go on record, said that the disturbing incident occurred at the District 4 councilor's office when Motznik started fiddling with his computer during a scheduled session of “brainstorming.”“Hours passed, and, well, we weren’t really getting anywhere with that, so I suggested that he load his official City portrait into myheritage.com, just for kicks -- to see what celebrities he looked like,” said the colleague. “His number one match came back as Billie Jean King.”
Even though King is, by all accounts, one of the most accomplished female tennis players in the sports' history, Motznik apparently was none too pleased that the most famous person he resembled was a self-proclaimed "[gonad]-busting woman" with big, googly glasses.
“As if that weren’t enough, the Web site’s face recognition program also likened him to Jimmy Carter. That pushed him over the edge, resulting in a mild form of traumatic neurosis, I believe, that has him convinced that fellow councilman Bill Peduto is out to get him,” said the colleague.
The colleague avowed that it was at his suggestion Motznik “work through his issues” by blogging.
VAL PORTER UNDER FIRE FOR CLAIMING SHE WROTE IMMORTAL POEM "CASEY AT THE BAT," PULLING GUN ON CROWD AT PIRATEFEST
DISTRAUGHT BROADCASTER ACCUSES MIKE PRISUTA, TRILATERAL COMMISSION OF "SABOTAGING" HER
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh radio personality Val Porter is under fire for claiming during a public appearance at Piratefest over the weekend that she, not Ernest Thayer, is the author of the immortal baseball poem "Casey at the Bat." She also faces charges for pulling a revolver on a group of Pirate fans.
Porter read the poem aloud to a group of small children and their parents while the Pirates' beloved mascot, the Parrot, acted it out in pantomime. After Porter was finished, she said she had "something very special I have to get off my chest." She appeared agitated and distraught. "The poem you just heard, which is probably the greatest in all of literature, well, I wrote that poem." (In fact, Ernest Thayer wrote the poem in 1888 while he was a writer for the San Francisco Examiner.) Porter held back tears. "And I know there are people in this room who would prefer I didn't reveal that, but I can't go on living their lie."
Porter's fellow-DVE newscaster, Tribune-Review sports writer Mike Prisuta approached Porter and tried to calm her. "Sit down, Mike," Porter said sternly, pulling a revolver from her jeans. "Frankly, you're part of the problem here." The parrot slowly backed away from her when Porter shouted, "Stop right there, you son of a bitch! Stop and nobody gets hurt." She then removed a dog-eared sheet of paper from her pocket. "Now you're all going to listen to this because I've been waiting a long time to say it." Porter proceeded to read a rambling statement for 45 minutes that, among other things, accused Prisuta, David Rockefeller and the Trilateral Commission of "sabotaging" her and preventing her from patenting certain alleged inventions that "would have saved all mankind from cancer and most other diseases."
Fast-thinking security at the convention center commandeered the public address system and played old Milo Hamilton Pirate broadcasts, which quickly lulled Porter, and most of the other fans at Piratefest, to sleep. Mike Prisuta crept toward her and removed the revolver, then he led her away. "This happens on occasion when she gets overly tired," he told onlookers. "She's been up since four this morning."
DUCHESS OF CORNWALL RUNS FINGERS ALONG ED RENDELL’S CRACK
PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia sycophants of Prince Charles and his second wife, Camilla, gathered at Independence Hall Saturday and watched in bewilderment as Parker Bowles gingerly slid her index and middle finger along the bifurcation of Rendell’s storied buttocks. The duchess apparently thought press and fans were focused on a warm handshake between her royal husband and Mayor John F. Street.“I knew she was down to earth, a commoner for all intents and purposes, but I this was something I, we -- none of us -- expected. If anything, I would have gone for the mayor’s ass, but there’s no accounting for taste,” said Royal admirer Bertha Tuckwacker.
Witnesses say Rendell seemed unphased at the “feel,” and responded to the touch by pulling up his pants.
When later asked about the incident, he said he was oblivious to any improprieties on the part of Camilla. “I just thought I was catching a draft,” said Rendell. “The pants, well, they just don’t fit like they used to,” he chuckled.
The royal couple are on a whirlwind tour of the United States because, according to the Royal press office, "they feel a necessity to lend the appearance that they have actual jobs."
Rendell would not comment further on the subject, saying he had to hurry to keep a lunch appointment "with some French-Canadian guy in Pittsburgh who’s been whining about not getting a new arena for his hockey team, or some such damn nonsense."
WILDCAT STRIKE AT RED CROSS SPREADS TO LITTLE SISTERS OF POOR, SALVATION ARMY; VIOLENCE ON PICKET LINES EXPECTED
ALL SIDES DEADLOCKED OVER WAGES, STANDING OUT IN COLD
RAVENSTAHL PUSHES FOR CRIB INSPECTIONS
PITTSBURGH - In a response to City Councilman Bill Peduto's efforts to court the youth vote by demanding more inspections of student housing in Oakland, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl upped the ante this morning with his own plan to inspect every crib in Pittsburgh. The tit-for-tat was the latest in an ongoing escalation between the mayoral candidates, as each tries to curry favor with Pittsburgh's 41 young voters by campaigning on issues they think matter to that demographic. "Bill can push for all the initiatives he wants," the 26-year-old Ravenstahl said, "but I'll always be able to go younger."
NATIONAL ENDOWMENT OF THE ARTS TO PLACE JAZZ FANS ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST
WARNS THE ELUSIVE BEBOP LOVER “COULD BE EXTINCT WITHIN TEN YEARS” WITHOUT CONSERVATION; CHAIRMAN URGES CONGRESS TO ESTABLISH PRESERVES, SAYS DIMLY-LIT, SMOKE-FILLED ROOMS NECESSARY TO ALLOW THE JAZZ FAN TO BREED, BROOD
OSAMA BIN LADEN ENTERS REHAB FACILITY TO QUELL ANTI-AMERICAN SLURS
"SULTAN OF SULLY" TAKES SENSITIVITY CLASSES, APOLOGIZES TO JESSE JACKSON, AL SHARPTON FOR SLURS
BARARO EUTHANIZED AMID TAUNTS BY SHIITE DETRACTORS
KENNETT SQUARE, Pa. - Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized this morning amid taunts and insults by his Shiite detractors. The gallant colt was defiant to the end, reading from the Koran and calling for "death to the United States." In a tragic irony, moments after Barbaro was pronounced dead, doctors announced that "a mistake of almost unparalleled proportions" had occurred. It was discovered that Barbaro's X-rays somehow were mixed up with those of Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, who suffered a serious leg injury several months ago. Dr. Noah Swayne, Barbaro's attending physician, explained: "As it turned out, Barbaro was fine, but coach Paterno will have to be put down."
BOB MAYO GETS IT RIGHT, AS USUAL
COMMENTARY - It's for good reason that newsman and native Pittsburgher Bob Mayo is a big-deal in Western Pennsylvania. Here's another example where Mr. Mayo gets it right. The Onion, according to Mr. Mayo, is the Madison Wisconsin equivalent of The Carbolic Smoke Ball. Correct! Even The New York Times got this backwards when it called us Pittsburgh's equivalent of The Onion. Mr. Mayo has a new blog we'll be reading called The Busman's Holiday, an informal term for a vacation during which one engages in an activity that is similar to one's usual work.The Hon. Rufus Peckham
CHENEY ISSUES FATWA AGAINST WOLF BLITZER
ATLANTA - Following Vice President Dick Cheney's appearance on CNN's "Situation Room'' last week, Cheney issued a 'fatwa' against CNN news anchor Wolf Blitzer. Cheney promised a lucrative "Halliburton-style government contract," as well as a full Presidential pardon to the person(s) who kill the popular newsman. On the program, Blitzer asked if the Vice President cared to respond to a statement from James Dobson's Focus on the Family regarding the pregnancy of Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary. Dobson's statement was as follows: "Mary Cheney's pregnancy will result in a little, cloven-hooved, child of Satan entering the Vice President's family, which must be of some concern to a traditionalist like the Vice President." Blitzer asked if the Vice President cared to respond to the statement, and Cheney responded: "I think your question is inappropriate." Then Cheney turned and looked directly into the camera: "And mark my words Wolf, you will now die."
Sources close to the Vice President were not surprised. "Bring up Mary Cheney and you disappear," said a staffer who asked to remain anonymous. "James Brown talked about Mary in early December, and even though he told everyone 'I feel good,' you saw what happened to him." The staffer also said, "about a third of the detainees in Guantanamo are there on Mary Cheney-related charges. And Harry Whittington, the guy Cheney shot, well, he only got the 'M-' sound out when Dick plugged him. If he had said the whole name, he'd be dead now."
Blitzer immediately went into hiding at an undisclosed location; ironically, it turned out to be the same undisclosed location where Cheney hides, so Blitzer was forced to move somewhere else.
Sources close to the Vice President were not surprised. "Bring up Mary Cheney and you disappear," said a staffer who asked to remain anonymous. "James Brown talked about Mary in early December, and even though he told everyone 'I feel good,' you saw what happened to him." The staffer also said, "about a third of the detainees in Guantanamo are there on Mary Cheney-related charges. And Harry Whittington, the guy Cheney shot, well, he only got the 'M-' sound out when Dick plugged him. If he had said the whole name, he'd be dead now."
Blitzer immediately went into hiding at an undisclosed location; ironically, it turned out to be the same undisclosed location where Cheney hides, so Blitzer was forced to move somewhere else.
POETRY SOCIETY TO WRITE NEW STEELER SLOGANS
“It’s going to be hard to rhyme with ‘Tomlin,’ but I think we can do something with ‘Mike,’” spokesman saysPITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Poetry Society will hold a special symposium March 23-25 to write Steeler slogans for new head coach Mike Tomlin. Well-known Pittsburgh poet Dr. Samuel Hazo made the announcement today. “A slogan can make or break a coach’s career here. It’s too important to leave up to the average fan or sportswriters,” Hazo said. “That’s why we need to involve professional poets. We want to show the general public that poetry can be relevant to their everyday lives.”
The Poetry Society held a similar conference in 1992, when Bill Cowher was selected as head coach. “We came up with ‘Cowher Power’ within the first five minutes. That gave us the rest of the conference time to sit around and drink wine,” Dr. Hazo said, clearly relishing the memory. “Now that was a great conference.”
Hazo admitted that many local poets were rooting for Russ Grimm to get the coaching job. “Russ Grimm has a great name for rhyming. Whisenhut would have been a nightmare for us. Tomlin is a challenge, but I’m confident we can come up with something.” Conference organizers had wanted to schedule the symposium for February, but decided to give society members more “rhyme time,” as they call it, when the Steelers finally made their decision last Sunday.
Hazo also revealed he has written a six-stanza Steeler poem in a simple ABAB rhyme scheme. He declined to read it to reporters, though, saying, “I just submitted it to American Poetry and I don’t want to jinx it.”
PRINCE CHARLES VISITS GENO'S PHILLY CHEESE STEAK TO ENDORSE ITS "ENGLISH ONLY" POLICY
PHILADELPHIA - The Prince of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall came to the city where American colonists declared their independence from the British monarchy Saturday, and they headed straight to South Philadelphia, the birthplace of the world famous Philly cheese steak. Prince Charles wanted to personally endorse the efforts of Joey Vento, the owner of Geno's Philly Cheese Steaks, to require that English be spoken when ordering the quintessential Philadelphia food. The Prince started to correspond with Vento last year when Vento was the center of a maelstrom after placing a sign in his restaurant's window saying: "This is America, please order In English."When the Royals arrived at Geno's, the Prince hugged Vento and the two men prepared to film a public service announcement promoting Vento's "English-only" campaign. Giant cue-cards were brought in for the men to read their lines, and after a few words with the film crew, the director shouted "Action."
Vento, reading from the cards in a stiff and unconvincing manner, yelled, "Yo, Prince, jeet yet?"
"No, Joey," said the Prince, doing his best to imitate a Philadelphia accent. "Jew?"
Vento put his arm around Charles. "Well, I ain't lettin' yous two stop at no Ack-a-me on yer way outa town; yous are both eatin' here at Geno's."
Then the camera closed in on the Prince. "Well, Joey, it's my pleasure, because Great Britain salutes your efforts to promote uniformity in speech as a positive means of finding a common cultural ground in the vast melting pot that is America."
A perplexed look shot across Vento's face, and it was clear he was no longer acting. "Vast what-ing pot? Alright, turn off the cameras," he yelled. Then he glared at the Prince. "I get it, this is a joke, right? Here we're doin' a commercial about 'English-only' and you're puttin' me on, speakin' some other language." After the Prince calmed Vento down, it was decided that Charles' final lines would be filmed from a studio in London. The Royals jumped in their car, and it was off to visit the statue of Sylvester Stallone as Rocky.
PATRAEUS NAMED COMMANDER
WASHINGTON - A Senate committee on Wednesday unanimously voted to approve the nomination of Army Lt. Gen. David Petraeus (above) as commander of American forces in Iraq. Known for the distinctive birthmark on his face, Petraeus impressed the panel with his blunt assessment of the situation on the ground. "I believe we can do the job with the troops we have, but horses damnit, we need more horses."
ROYALS SHEEPISHLY APOLOGIZE FOR BREAKING AMERICAN SYMBOL OF INDEPENDENCE
"ALL CAMILLA DID WAS TOUCH IT," PRINCE PLEADS.
PENS SIGN RAVENSTALL TO BEEF UP BLUE LINE FOR 2ND HALF OF SEASON
PENS' GM IMPRESSED WITH WAY YOUNG MAYOR HANDLED HIMSELF OUTSIDE GATE "A" AT HEINZ FIELD LEADING TO HIS HANDCUFFING AND DETENTION
PITTSBURGH - When the Penguins return to Pittsburgh following their post All Star break road trip, fans can expect to see a much tougher defensive corps on the ice. No, it's not just the much anticipated return of Mark Eaton to the line up: Reports from TSN in Toronto indicate the Pens have signed defenseman Luke Ravenstall to a two- year contract. Terms of the contract have not been disclosed.
PITTSBURGH - When the Penguins return to Pittsburgh following their post All Star break road trip, fans can expect to see a much tougher defensive corps on the ice. No, it's not just the much anticipated return of Mark Eaton to the line up: Reports from TSN in Toronto indicate the Pens have signed defenseman Luke Ravenstall to a two- year contract. Terms of the contract have not been disclosed. Sources close to the organization confirm Ravenstall recently became the object of the team's desire to beef up their blue line. TSN believes the move has nothing to do with ongoing negotiations over a possible new arena. Rather, one source close to the negotiations indicated Pens GM Ray Shero was "quite impressed with the way Ravernstall handled himself in a crowd." Shero explained: "He's as tough as they come. Luke doesn't back down from anyone. Obviously, he's willing to give it all for the team and sacrifice his body in any way necessary. He'll be a great addition to the line up and will keep the crease clear in front of Fluery; I mean no more of that pushing and crowding his line of sight to the puck. He's like the Tasmanian devil, there's no stopping him; unless, of course, someone on the ice has handcuffs."
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: SEPTEMBER 12, 2001, BUSH HOLDS EMERGENCY CABINET MEETING
"THE EVILDOERS HAVE ATTACKED AMERICA. ROUND UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS -- BY WHICH I MEAN IRAQ."
HILLARY CLINTON: PRESIDENT MISLED COUNTRY
DES MOINES - On her first campaign swing for President, Senator Hillary Clinton spoke candidly with reporters. "I have said clearly and consistently for quite some time that I regret the way the president misused the authority of his office," said Clinton. "He misled Congress and the country on what he was doing and what he intended to do." She paused. "Now that we've covered my husband, let's discuss George Bush."
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