THE CLEAR CHOICE FOR NEXT MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH: PROFESSOR EMCEE SQUARE

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh proved last September that it can garner national attention by having an atypical mayor. In fact, it seems the only way for Pittsburgh to draw attention to itself on a national scale is to have a mayor that is a sideshow attraction. Mayor Luke Ravenstahl landed himself on the front page of the New York Times and on the David Letterman Show simply because of the novelty of his youth. Before that, the last Pittsburgh mayor to appear with Mr. Letterman was Sophie Masloff, because she was an atypical, 70-something grandmother. There is nothing wrong with that. What difference does it make how we get the attention so long as we get it?

But Carbolic Smoke Ball doesn't think Pittsburgh has gone far enough in terms of choosing atypical mayors. It's time for this city to go all the way and elect Professor Emcee Square, also known as Mark Menold, as Mayor of Pittsburgh, and this news source hereby endorses him today. The Professor is the host of Saturday night's scary-movie fest "It's Alive" on WBGN-TV. With his corpse-like make-up and accent of indeterminate origin, the Professor would be the most atypical mayor in America and, we are quite certain, the most famous mayor in America. In short, the Professor would put Pittsburgh on the map in a way not even professional wrestler Jesse Ventura could do for Minnesota when he was elected its Governor.

Besides being supremely atypical, the Professor is among the finest television hosts in America. And he knows how to get things done, too. He helped organize the massive Zombie Walk last October that brought together 894 zombies at Monroeville Mall. Accordingly, our choice for mayor of Pittsburgh is obvious: Mark Menold, better known as Professor Emcee Square.

TALIBAN CLAIMS IT TRIED TO KILL CHENEY; HOWARD K. STERN, LARRY BIRKHEAD, ZSA ZSA GABOR'S HUSBAND AND JIMMY STEWART ALSO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY

Colin McNickle reminds other patron at bar 'I'm the guy Teresa Heinz told to shove it’

Colin McNickle, editorial page editor of the Tribune-Review and the person Teresa Heinz told to ‘shove it’ during a confrontation at the 2004 Democratic Convention, reminded a patron at his neighborhood bar of the episode.

“Remember when Teresa Heinz, the wacky ketchup heiress and wife of John ‘Mr. Teresa Heinz’ Kerry, told a visiting journalist to ‘shove it’? Well, that was me,” McNickle told Wilmer Fitzgibbon, who was having a beer at the Korner Bar in Mt. Lebanon and minding his own business.

“I asked a simple question that dwelt on what she meant by her reference to certain traits being ‘un-American,’ and she turns around and storms into the room and tells me to ‘shove it,’” McNickle said. “Frankly, everyone was taken aback. I ended up on national television. Did you see it?”

Fitzgibbon said he hadn’t really watched much of the coverage of either political convention and is “more of an ESPN kind of guy,” when McNickle pressed on with his account.

“I also wrote about it in my paper, The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, which seems to be something of a lightning rod with its unflinching stance in favor of free markets, individual liberty and against the creeping hand of socialism,” McNickle said. “Many of those people, especially the boobs at The Toledo, Ohio, Block Bugler – that’s what I call the Post-Gazette, because they are owned by a firm in Toledo and it just cracks people up when I do that – would tend to favor, being leftovers from the New Deal. They probably think I should ‘shove it’ too.”

After Fitzgibbon, apparently in deep thought on the matter, showed no reaction, McNickle also noted that he had written several times about the ‘shove it’ incident and that, in his view, it has cast him into national prominence, though he is not one to seek attention, even though the wife of a presidential candidate told him to "shove it."

McNickle also noted that his editorial page runs a daily box at the bottom with a photograph of PNC Chairman James Rohr, telling him to return public subsidies the company received to build a new headquarters in Pittsburgh’s Downtown.

“This has caused an enormous uproar in the Pittsburgh business community,” McNickle said. “But they seem to be keeping very quiet about it, obviously hoping our unflinching stand against corporate welfare will not result in the inevitable reversal of PNC’s position. Rohr probably thinks I should ‘shove it,’ too,” McNickle said. “But that’s the kind of guy I am. No matter what the cost, or the viciousness of the attack, I’m not going to back down when I see the public purse being snatched or socialist liberals attempting to undermine the fabric of our society, whether they’re a corporate chairman with his paws in the cookie jar, or a wacky ketchup heiress who tells a simple, brave and stalwart member of the press to ‘shove it.’ You know, that’s what Teresa Heinz said to me and it ended up all over the national media.”

McNickle thanked his companion for an engaging conversation and said it had given him much to think about before leaving for home, where he planned to tell his wife about meeting yet another local citizen who’d heard about the time Teresa Heinz told him to shove it.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S ARM FALLS OFF

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. – As appeals continued in the dispute over the body of Anna Nicole Smith, Broward County Coroner Joshua Perper interrupted a courtroom proceeding with a report that the former Playboy model’s body continues to deteriorate.

“One of her arms fell off today,” Dr. Perper told a packed courtroom over a speaker phone. “We were moving the gurney because it was blocking the coffee maker and there was this slight bump and her right arm fell off onto the floor. We put it back under the sheets and she should still be suitable for a viewing, but I would recommend you reach a conclusion as quickly as possible and that we rule out a sleeveless dress for the funeral.”

Attorneys for Howard K. Stern, Miss Smith’s longtime companion, and her estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, immediately filed for separate custody of the arm in the event their client loses the appeal over the body. Stern says Miss Smith had asked to be buried in the Bahamas, next to her son, Daniel. Arthur says her daughter should be buried in Texas, next to her arm.

Duquesne Coach Gives Up, Will Have Rest of Team Shot

Hangmen’s Conference Asks Convention Center To Leave One Fallen Section Open for Exhibit

No Evidence of Jesus Found in Tomb Featured in James Cameron's New Documentary; Archaeologists Find Old Woman From Cameron's "Titanic" There Instead

SUPREME COURT AWARDS OSCAR IT STRIPPED FROM AL GORE TO PRESIDENT BUSH

3 PM NEWS CONFERENCE WEDNESDAY: CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL WILL MAKE ITS ENDORSEMENT FOR MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH

Anna Nicole Buried In Bahamas, Tourists Flock to Visit Shrine

NASSAU, Bahamas - Anna Nicole Smith was laid to rest after a long legal battle over her remains, and Bahamian authorities reported three unverified healings by pilgrims who flocked to her resting place inside Our Lady of Leisure Church and Spa in this city.

"All the sores in my mouth are gone!" exulted Wanda Flooze, who came here from Kansas City with her companion. "I said a little prayer and I could feel the change."

Another visitor, who declined to give a name, credited the intervention of Miss Smith for the elimination of her flat, Chicago accent. "All the glottal stops are gone. American Idol, here I come! I'm absolutely convinced God is working through Anna Nicole to lift up the fallen," she cried before moving along to the Duty Free shop adjacent to the shrine.

Miss Smith's attorney and companion, Howard K. Stern, spent the morning greeting tourists and working the cash register in the gift shop alongside Virgie Arthur, Miss Smith's mother.

CHENEY ESCAPES AFGHAN SUICIDE BLAST, CUTS AND RUNS

RENDELL NOT INTERESTED IN VP SPOT

SAYS HE'S FOCUSING ALL HIS ATTENTION ON DETHRONING TAKERU KOBAYASHI AS CHAMP AT THIS YEAR'S CONEY ISLAND HOT DOG EATING CONTEST

DR. HENRY FRANKENSTEIN IS LATEST TO MAKE CLAIM ON ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S BODY

OSCAR RECAP: REPORT FROM THE RED CARPET: GEORGE CLOONEY’S TUX IS FROM THE MENS WEARHOUSE

“I LIKE THE WAY I LOOK,” SAYS HANDSOME STAR; AGENT CLAIMS PERSONAL GUARANTEE OF MENS WEARHOUSE FOUNDER AND CEO GEORGE ZIMMER WAS CRUCIAL FACTOR IN DETERMINING CHOICE, SOURCE OF EVENING WEAR

"Harmless" California quake registers 3.4 on Richter Scale, but kills 120 on Universal's "Earthquake" ride because it felt like 11.7 to them

DISASTER GIVES DOWAGER ATTRACTION MUCH NEEDED CACHET

HOLLYWOOD - Due to a tragic coincidence, a mild earthquake that struck Los Angeles today registering 3.4 on the Richter Scale claimed up to 120 lives and scores of additional injuries. A quake of this magnitude rarely causes injuries, but at the very moment the tremor struck shortly after 3 p.m., 162 people were riding the "Earthquake" thrill attraction at Universal Studios Hollywood, which simulates an authentic earthquake registering 8.3 on the Richter Scale. The combination of the real quake and the simulated quake created an 11.7 Richter Scale reading on the ride, the highest ever recorded. The previous high was 9.6 for the 1960 Chilean earthquake.

One teenage attendant said the disaster reminded him of the one that occurred at Universal's theme park in Florida "a long time ago" in 1999 when a tornado struck the "Twister" attraction.

Universal immediately established a relief plan. A teenage spokesgirl at the park explained that survivors will get free vouchers to visit Universal on another day of their choice.

Theme park experts are questioning Universal's unprecedented openness in providing details of the incident. Helen Palsgraf, Marketing Director at Disneyland, expained the Disney philosophy: "People don't like to hear bad news. Frankly, we've had much, more worse than this at Anaheim, but you'll never hear about it."

Elsewhere at Universal, most park visitors had no idea that an earthquake had even struck. When the bodies were being carried out, thousands of teenagers lined up to ride "Earthquake." The devastation ironically had given the dowager attaction, one of the park's oldest, much-needed cachet.

JUDGE LARRY SEIDLIN RULES THAT MUMMIFIED REMAINS OF KING TUT BE MOVED FROM EGYPTIAN MUSEUM FOR REBURIAL IN BAHAMAS

NEW FULL-BODY X-RAY MACHINE AT AIRPORT SO POWERFUL IT DETECTS BLOOD CLOTS

THERE'S A CATCH: MACHINE NOT COVERED BY MEDICAL INSURANCE AND CHARGES COULD ADD AS MUCH AS $1,000 TO THE COST OF PLANE TICKET
PHOENIX -- The Department of Homeland Security unveiled a new x-ray security machine at the Sky Harbor Airport this week that produces a full body image of each passenger with blush-inducing clarity so detailed that it can expose the most concealed weapon and reveal whether someone has a blood clot. But there's a catch. The new x-ray is not covered by most health insurance plans, which could add as much as $1,000 to the cost of each plane ticket.

"I am all for security screening," said air traveler and convicted flasher Noah Swayne, "I don't even mind if all the other passengers see my genitalia. To be honest, I'd welcome that. But this extra cost is outrageous."

Government officials admitted that this added cost might be an inconvenience for some passengers but said it's all part of the war on terror. "We can't be too careful when it comes to airport security and who knows, we might just catch some life-threatening diseases before it's too late," explained Michael Chernoff, Secretary of Homeland Security.

Airline passenger advocacy groups are wary, saying that they worry about ticket prices escalating even more if the airport orders blood work.

NATION OF ISLAM LEADER LOUIS FARRAKHAN DELIVERS FAREWELL ADDRESS TO THE NATION

WARNS AGAINST UNNECESSARY FOREIGN ENTANGLEMENTS, DANGERS OF THE MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX, WHITE DEVILS

MITT ROMNEY SAYS MORMON FAITH SHOULD NOT PREVENT HIM FROM BEING ELECTED PRESIDENT, WILL NOT RULE OUT HAVING MORE THAN ONE FIRST LADY

DETAILS EMERGE REGARDING SHARPTON SLAVE TRADE

NEW YORK - Details emerged Monday concerning the revelation that an ancestor of the Rev. Al Sharpton was a slave owned by relatives of the late Senator Strom Thurmond. Records show that Sharpton's great-grandfather Coleman Sharpton, a slave owned by Julia Thurmond, was traded to the Yankees in a three way deal that sent an ancestor of Babe Ruth to the Boston Red Sox, thereby setting in motion the events that would lead to the fabled "Curse of the Bambino" some 70 odd years later. Julia Thurmond received an ancestor of the late Richard Petty in the trade, settingthe stage for South Carolina to become the birthplace of NASCAR in the 1850's. Detailed records uncovered after more than 140 years showed that Coleman Sharpton, "bats right, throws right" and "can hit for both power and average." Coleman Sharpton was eventually freed by an ancestor of George Steinbrenner and became a pioneer in the 'bling' industry, marketing flashy post civil war jewelry to freed slaves.

SUPREME COURT STRIPS AL GORE OF OSCAR

EX-SHERIFF DEFAZIO SAYS CONVICTED COPS ARE PRIZED TARGETS WHILE IN "THE HOLE," FEARS HE'LL BE MURDERED WHILE SERVING SENTENCE

FORMER LAWMAN SENTENCED TO SIX MONTHS HOME CONFINEMENT. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT [MY WIFE] IS CAPABLE OF DOING TO ME WHILE I'M IN THERE," HE PLEADS TO JUDGE.

JUDGE LARRY SEIDLIN IS ASKED TO REFRAIN FROM ATTENDING TEMPLE BETH ISRAEL SYNAGOGUE WHILE CRY ROOM IS BEING RENOVATED

NCAA: DUKE RAPE CASE HAS DONE WONDERS TO PROMOTE SPORT OF LACROSSE

DURHAM, N.C. - A huge crowd and dozens of reporters more than would normally attend swarmed the Duke Lacrosse field as the team played its first game in eleven months following the controversial sexual assault charges against three of its players. Walter Byers, executive director of the NCAA, was beaming. "The Duke rape case has done the little known sport of lacrosse a world of good, just a world of good," said Byers. Prior to the news of the alleged crime, a majority of Americans knew next to nothing about the sport where teams score by projecting a hard rubber ball into their opponent's goal using netted sticks. Ever since the rape charges were filed, public awareness of the sport has skyrocketed.

Byers hopes that the controversy and circus sideshow atmosphere generated by the alleged crime, with its overtones of racism and class divisions, continues through the summer. "Anything that keeps lacrosse in the news is good, good, good," he said.

"I can't say enough wonderful things about that stripper [the alleged victim]," Byers added. "She is just a beautiful, beautiful person, even if it turns out she's a lying whore." But Byers reserved his highest praise for the Duke lacrosse team. "Those boys -- what can I say? We owe those horny, sex-crazed boys a debt of gratitude that we'll just never be able to repay."

THE WATER MAIN BREAK OFFICIALLY SURPASSES STEELERS AS MOST NEWSWORTHY LOCAL TV EVENT

ZOO’S OTHER MALE ELEPHANTS ARE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT JACKSON THE ELEPHANT’S CONQUESTS

Six-time father just will not shut up about his prowess, young males complain PITTSBURGH – Three young male elephants at the Pittsburgh Zoo are becoming increasingly irritated by the dominant male’s constant bragging about impregnating the local females. Jackson is known to have fathered six offspring during his tenure in Highland Park.

“At first, we were really happy for him that he had some kids,” Timbuk, one of the young males, said. “But now that he has both Savannah and Moja pregnant at the same time, there is just no living with him. He trumpets all the time -- and he makes sure he does it six times. He’ll stamp his foot -- and he makes sure he does it six times. And now he’s putting us into a headlock, giving us noogies, and saying, 'Who’s a daddy? Who’s a daddy?' It is really annoying.”

None of the younger males is a father yet, and they admit jealousy may be behind some of their complaints. “We’re not geeky and we don’t stink, but the females won’t give us the time of day,” Timbuk said. “It’s all 'Jackson this,' and 'Jackson that.' It would be nice if we could just get a chance to get to know the girls and show them we could be good mates. Or at least good one-night stands.”

The young males have heard that Jackson might be shipped out to Somerset County. “We have no idea where that is, but we’re hoping he’ll be out of here soon,” Timbuk said. “None of us wants to die a virgin.”

CHENEY URGES JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER TO JOIN HIM ON THE DARK SIDE

TOKYO - Vice President Dick Cheney met with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe to stress regional diplomatic cooperation at the premier's official residence in Tokyo. Cheney reportedly told Abe, "Join me on the dark side and you will become more powerful that you could ever imagine."

A DAY IN THE LIFE: MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL JUST "ANOTHER KID" IN MRS. SEMANSKY'S SIXTH GRADE SOCIAL STUDIES CLASS

"AN EVENING WITH GENE COLLIER" AN UNQUALIFIED TRIUMPH

Mr. Collier, left, and John McIntire, right, with one of the Carbolic Smoke Ball writers.

CARNEGIE, Pa. - An overflow crowd at a club in Carnegie feted brilliant humorist, columnist and playwright Gene Collier with roars of laughter last night as "An Evening with Gene Collier" was an unqualified triumph. Mr. Collier regaled the crowd with stories about his family, his work, and his take on our dysfunctional age. The one and only, and equally brilliant, John McIntire made a no-holds barred guest appearance -- and I mean no-holds barred. His story about Myron Cope's appearance on his television show was nothing short of breathtaking. The hilarious Mike Wysocki, a regular on DVE's Morning Show, was the MC, and we were surprised to learn he is not Asian. We were proud of the two opening acts, T. Jones and Andy Limberg, who were selected by The Carbolic Smoke Ball in a contest earlier this month. In short, they done real good -- both very funny, very poised. Maree Gallagher of TR Creative Services pulled off a great show. Congratulations!

--THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM

LIBBY JURY RETURNS VERDICT: LIBBY IS FATHER OF ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S BABY

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW TODAY . . .

Check it out here.

THE GENE COLLIER SHOW IS SATURDAY. From Wednesday's Post-Gazette:

IN HONOR OF THE OSCARS, IT'S OUR ANNUAL SALUTE TO HOLLYWOOD

QUEEN ELIZABETH SECRETLY STUDIES HELEN MIRREN'S PORTAYAL OF HER IN "THE QUEEN" TO MAKE SURE SHE "GETS IT RIGHT"

LONDON - A spokeswoman for Queen Elizabeth II has publicly dismissed as "fiction" Helen Mirren's performance of the longtime British monarch in The Queen, but insiders reveal that the real-life Elizabeth regularly studies a bootleg copy of the flick frame-by-frame, and that she has taken to imitating Mirren's portrayal of her down to the most minute detail -- Mirren's gestures, her walk, her expressions. The Queen even recites verbatim long-stretches of dialogue from the film even though it has no application to the conversation, much to the chagrin of confused palace insiders.

Last week when the Queen was involved a disagreement with her husband, Prince Phillip, she looked at him icily and said, "Exactly what are your credentials aside from playing the farmer in Babe?" an apparent reference to Mirren's co-star in The Queen, actor James Cromwell who portrayed Phillip.

The tension created by the Queen's behavior reportedly came to a head last weekend when Prince Charles confronted the Queen and asked why she feels the need to imitate Helen Mirren's portrayal. "I don’t need to imitate her imitating me," the Queen snapped. But then she conceded: "Of course, if I forget how it goes, I can watch the movie and imitate her imitating me, which is what I do. Yes, if you must know, I live vicariously through her being me."

OUR TEEN FILM CRITICS: K.C. JORGENSEN AND HER BOYFRIEND (AND BROTHER) LARS JORGENSEN REVIEW THE OSCAR CONTENDERS

TRANSLATION INTO ENGLISH BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHA

HOLLYWOOD - The Carbolic Smoke Ball once again calls upon our teen film critics, K.C. Jorgensen and her boyfriend, and brother, Lars Jorgensen, to review the Oscar contenders. We flew them from Sweden to our Hollywood offices so they could give this report.

THE QUEEN
K.C.: This Queen is a person we didn't know about beforehand so, of course, we were appalled by her wealth, her riches, utterly appalled.
LARS: Appalled because she's really old.
K.C.: That's not why we were appalled, [expletive deleted]. From what we can gather, this Queen is still alive. Lars and I discussed it afterward. We felt bad that she lost her ex-daughter-in-law, even though this Queen only felt bad because everybody liked the daughter-in-law and not her. But we think this Queen should give all her riches to the proletariat.
LARS: Yah . . . and her husband's a real vagina, too.
[K.C. slaps LARS across the chest]
LARS: That hurt!
[K.C. kisses LARS on the lips]

BABEL
K.C.: "Babel" showed us that we are all different, yet all connected.
LARS: That is profound, K.C. And the naked Japanese chick was really hot!
[K.C. slaps LARS on the chest]
LARS: Ouch!
K.C.: But we learned a lot from this picture; for example, did you know that Mexicans drink to excess . . .
LARS: Yah, I want to be Mexican!
K.C.: And we learned that you should never give a rifle to someone in the Middle East, because it might be used to shoot up a bus with Westerners, which is bad.
LARS: The whole movie was bad, if you ask me. Except for the Japanese girl, because she showed everything.

THE DEPARTED
K.C.: Leonardo plays a bad boy who's really a good boy. He's really hot, and I'd like to get to know him if he's reading this.
LARS: Bitch!
K.C.: The point of the movie was . . . well, I don't know what the point of the movie was. It was all killing and bad language.
LARS: Yeah, this was my favorite of the five.

LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
K.C.: The whole film is in English subtitles, so I felt like I was in a f****** library instead of a theater.
LARS: They, like, dug tunnels to hide from the Americans, and even though they ran out of food etc., they were always clean-shaven.
K.C.: I wonder if they shaved their chests.
LARS: The point was that the Japanese were good, and the Americans were good. It was the war that was bad.
K.C.: [wipes tears from eyes] That was beautiful, Lars.
LARS: Only that naked Japanese chick from the other film should have been in this one, too.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
K.C.: A light-hearted romp across America with quirky liberal characters that don't ring true, and the point was that you should do whatever you want in life.
LARS: Yah, it seemed like it was fun, but it really wasn't. And you shouldn't just do what you want in life, anyway.
K.C.: That's right [she puts her on Lars' crotch]

WIZARD OF OZ TRIVIA: BUDDY EBSEN LOST ROLE AS TIN MAN BECAUSE PERFORMANCE TOO WOODEN

FILMGOER SUES POST-GAZETTE CRITIC BARBARA VANCHERI FOR FAILING TO INCLUDE "SPOILER WARNING" TAG IN REVIEW OF "LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA"

COMPLAINT: "PLAINTIFF WENT INTO THE MOVIE KNOWING FROM THE OUTSET THAT THE JAPANESE LOST THE BATTLE, THUS SIGNIFICANTLY DIMINISHING THE PLEASURE REASONABLY EXPECTED FROM A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION."

CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: BREAKING NEWS: Tom Cruise accidentally eats part of new daughter along with placenta

LOS ANGELES - Joy turned to tragedy this afternoon when Tom Cruise accidentally ate part of his newborn daughter, named L. Ronda Hubbard-Cruise, moments after his fiance, 27-year old Katie Holmes, gave birth. According to a nurse in the delivery room who asked not to be identified, Cruise was happily munching on placenta when "he just kept eating -- he must've thought the little girl was part of the placenta."

Katie Holmes witnessed Cruise's unintentional cannibalism and wanted to scream out, but the "silent birth" tenets of the Church of Scientology, to which she and Cruise belong, prevented it. After a struggle, the nurse pulled the ravenous Cruise away from the infant.

The little girl weighed 7 pounds 7 onces at birth, and 5 pounds 2 onces after Cruise ate part of her.

AUTOPSY REVEALS KING KONG DIED OF MASSIVE HEART ATTACK; “TWAS CHOLESTEROL KILLED THE BEAST,” SAYS FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST

PITTSBURGH - An autopsy performed by Allegheny County Coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht at the request of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and the American Zoological Institute shows that the famed gargantuan King Kong did not, as was originally believed, die as a result of biplane-delivered bullet wounds. “After examining all available film of Kong at the top of the Empire State building frame by frame, I surmised that the actions of the giant ape -- hand clutching chest, facial contortions, arms gesticulating wildly in severe agitation -- were consistent with those of someone suffering cardiac arrest. When I opened him up, my initial diagnosis was confirmed. Kong’s heart was in terrible condition, no doubt a result of his poor dietary habits while residing on Skull Island. Eating human sacrifices day after day is terrible for your cholesterol level, and so on and so forth - no matter what my esteemed colleague Dr. Atkins believed." Wecht said initial remarks by an unnamed police officer claiming “the airplanes finally got him” were nothing more than “the unprofessional, imbecilic, juvenile assertions of a glorified boy scout.”

CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: CHENEY, RUMSFELD ENJOY PRIVATE SCREENING OF “BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN”

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld took in a private screening of “Brokeback Mountain” at a Washington D.C. multiplex Sunday night and, according to a highly agitated Mrs. Cheney, were “visibly moved.”

The film, directed by Ang Lee, is a critically acclaimed tale of two cowboys who fall in love set against the backdrop of the American West. “Many times during the movie I looked at Dick and he was nodding his head,” said Mrs. Cheney. “Several times I saw Secretary Rumsfeld reach over and pat his hand. I’m not sure what that was all about.”

According to ushers sweeping the theater, Cheney and Rumsfeld were still huddled in their seats at least ten minutes after the house lights were raised after the credits finished. Vice President Cheney appeared to be crying. Leaving the theater, a red-eyed Cheney refused comment but walked directly to his limousine with Secretary Rumsfeld. The two men embraced before Cheney entered the car and returned home, presumably with his wife. When a reporter asked Rumsfeld how he enjoyed the movie, he smiled and said “I’ve lived it.” Asked about the propriety of men engaging in acts that some people find morally objectionable, Rumsfeld paused. “Stuff happens,” he said. “Free people should be free to make mistakes.”

CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: DEMI MOORE ACCIDENTALLY MARRIES RING BEARER

HOLLYWOOD - In the mix-up of all Hollywood mix-ups, Demi Moore was supposed to remarry ex-husband Bruce Willis last week. but ended up marrying the ring bearer, young Ashton Kutcher.

"It was the damnest thing," said Bertuska Somnambula, High Priestess of the Kabbalah religion who presided at the ceremony. "I said 'Do you take this woman . . .,' and Ashton piped up, 'I do.' Well, in the Kabbalah religion, that's the end of everything. She's his forever."

In a brief interview, Moore told reporters that being married to Ashton requires major adjustments. "Like I had to go out and buy him a car seat."

CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: BIN LADEN NAMES FORMER DISNEY EXECUTIVE JEFFREY KATZENBERG SUCCESSOR TO AL-ZARQAWI

CAIRO, Egypt - Osama bin Laden released his second audio tape in as many days today, naming former Disney executive Jeffrey Katzenberg as successor to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who was killed in a U.S. airstrike June 7, to head al-Qaida in Iraq.

As head of Disney's motion picture divisions for ten years, Katzenberg was considered the heir apparent to former Disney CEO Michael Eisner until Eisner passed him over for a promotion to become the company's president. Katzenberg bolted to co-found DreamWorks SKG with Steven Spielberg and David Geffin. He was viewed as a dark horse to succeed al-Zarqawi because of his Jewish heritage.

"This appointment is a testament to Jeffrey's incredible intellect and talent which, sadly, Michael Eisner did not properly recognize," said Disney director emeritus and major shareholder Roy Disney in a prepared statement.

Bin Laden's message touted Katzenberg's "incredible" output of "pro-Islamic motion pictures," especially Aladdin. "You, Jeffrey, are Allah's trusted soldier who will liberate the Muslim nation from the serfdom of the crusaders in our countries," bin Laden's message said.

Bin Laden also mentioned that Robin Williams' work as the genie in Aladdin "cracked me up."

LUCILLE BALL VOTED MOST BELOVED STAR IN NEW POLL; CBS TO EXHUME HER FOR NEW SERIES

CBS OFFICIAL: "THIS WON'T BE THE FIRST TIME THAT [CBS HAS] DISINTERRED LUCY TO BOOST [ITS] MONDAY NIGHT LINEUP."

HOLLYWOOD - CBS may have found the solution to its sagging Monday night lineup in, of all the unlikely places, Hollywood's fabled Forest Lawn Cemetery.

A Rollings Institute poll showing that Lucille Ball remains America's most popular star more than 16 years after her death did not go unnoticed at Black Rock, CBS's midtown Manhattan headquarters. CBS President Leslie Moonves immediately contacted Ms. Ball's daughter, Lucy Arnaz, and asked permission to disinter the Grand Old Lady of comedy, who is buried at Forest Lawn, in order to salvage the network's moribund Monday night lineup. Ms. Arnaz agreed without hesitation.

"Leslie sent over a case of those chocolates that my mother and Vivian [Vance] stuffed in their mouths in the chocolate factory episode [of 'I Love Lucy']. That was enough to sell me on the idea," Ms. Arnaz explained. "I told Leslie, 'Let the disinterment begin!'"

In the new show, to be called Lucy's Back, CBS plans to team Ms. Ball's corpse with Michael Richards, who played Kramer in the hit series "Seinfeld," as a wacky mother-son duo running a struggling Miami hotel. "It will be a match made in zanyville heaven," Moonves said. Don Knotts "likely" will be disinterred to play the landlord who incessantly threatens to shut them down. Ms. Ball's and Mr. Knotts' lines will be dubbed-in with their own dialogue from their previous hit series.

A CBS executive revealed that this won't be the first time the network has trotted out Lucy after her death to give its ratings a boost. "Back in the '80's, we didn't reveal that Lucy had already passed away by the time we started shooting the show called -- ironically enough -- 'Life with Lucy.'" The same executive said that CBS's habit of showcasing deceased stars dates back decades. "For example, William Frawley was already dead two years when 'I Love Lucy' debuted, but everybody agrees he was perfect as Fred Mertz. Near the end of the series, it was a real trick keeping the body intact, but the producers pulled it off."

SONY SETTLES SUIT CLAIMING IT CITED PHONY CRITIC IN FILM ADS; DENIES LIABILITY THROUGH FAKE LAWYER

HOLLYWOOD - Sony Pictures Entertainment settled a class action for $1.5 million today, ending a case that accused the studio of quoting a fake movie critic in ads. The suit claimed that Sony made up favorable quotes for ads of its films Hollow Man, The Patriot, and A Knight’s Tale and attributed them to a phony critic named "David Manning of the Ridgefield Press." One of the quotes called actor Heath Ledger “this year’s hottest new star!”

Sony issued a written statement denying that "it would ever betray the filmgoing public's trust by inventing a critic simply to have him or her praise Sony films." The statement concluded: "Sony refers all inquiries regarding the class action to its legal counsel, Barkely Givens."

A search revealed that no attorney by the name "Barkley Givens" is licensed to practice law in California, or anywhere else in the United States. When a reporter asked Sony if the attorney was a real person, Sony issued another statement denying that "it would ever betray the public's trust by inventing a lawyer simply to have him or her deny liability."

A reporter contacted the Ridgefield Press in Connecticut to inquire about the imaginary critic "David Manning." A man claiming to be David Manning answered the phone, and the reporter asked him if he had any thoughts on the class action lawsuit. Mr. Manning said: “The frontrunner for this year’s best case!" "A masterpiece! And, “I laughed my a _ _ off! Funny! Funny! Funny!”

CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: OUT OF IDEAS, HOLLYWOOD REMAKES TWO-YEAR OLD "LORD OF THE RINGS"

REMAKE FRENZY WILL SPAWN AS MANY AS SIX VERSIONS OF "KING KONG" IN 2007

HOLLYWOOD - Hollywood's dream factory has become a worn-out, retread workshop that is so unashamed of its hand-me-down ideas that next month it will churn out a remake of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King with an all-new cast, despite the fact the original is less than two years old.

In days long gone, only decades-old films were given the makeover treatment, long after the original had faded into obscurity. But the Rings remake underscores the trend to drastically reduce the time between the original and its facsimile. For instance, in June of 2006 Sony will release a remake of The Piano Teacher. If you've never heard of it, that's understandable. The original won't be released until next month.

"The average filmgoer has the long-term memory of an artichoke," said director Emil Tanaka, assigned to do the new Lord of the Rings. "When we release the 'Rings' remake, Mr. and Mrs. Moviegoer will say to themselves, 'Hmm, the name sounds vaguely familiar. Let's go see it.'"

Perhaps the most damning evidence that the major studios are bereft of original ideas is that in 2007, no fewer than four and as many as six versions of King Kong will be released. The second will be a remake of the first; the third, of the second, and so on.

Tanaka tried to sell Hollywood on the idea of redoing the comedy Groundhog Day, but with no takers. "It might be that the plot -- you know, the main character keeps reliving the same insipid events over and over -- hits too close to home for Hollywood," Tanaka said.

MARTIN SCORSESE DISQUALIFIED FROM OSCARS, ADMITS HIS MOST VIOLENT SCENES GHOST-DIRECTED BY THREE STOOGES' DIRECTOR JULES WHITE

White said the scene he is most proud of was in Taxi Driver where DeNiro accidentally sat on a bear trap and frantically ran around the room yelling, "Larry! Larry! An octopus got me!"

HOLLYWOOD - Legendary film director Martin Scorsese, whose signature swirling, white-hot directorial style infuses his films with excitement in every frame, was stripped of his "best director" nomination and disqualified from contention in this year's Oscars' race after admitting that his films' most violent scenes are ghost-directed by the Three Stooges' long-time director Jules White. In a written statement, Scorsese apologized to his fans for taking credit for White's work. "I am ashamed to admit that my films' frequent detours for bursts of explosive, blood-splattered, pop-pop-pop brutality must, in fact, be attributed to the man who invented cinematic mayhem, Jules White."

White spoke briefly with reporters but was in a prickly mood. In a freewheeling, no-holds barred interview, he noted that he is upset with Scorsese for excising an elaborate pie fight he ghost-directed for inclusion in Scorsese's The Departed. White also revealed that Scorsese cut a scene White filmed for Goodfellows where three bowling balls dropped on Joe Pesci's head, causing the NBC chimes to play as each one struck. White credited Robert DeNiro as "the only living actor worthy of Moe Howard's legacy of inflicting pain on his co-stars." He added that "DeNiro is almost as fine an actor as Moe was." White said the scene he is most proud of directing was in Taxi Driver where DeNiro accidentally sat on a bear trap and frantically ran around the room yelling, "Larry! Larry! An octopus has got me!"

QUEEN ELIZABETH II HAS A MELTDOWN, SHOCKS SUBJECTS BY SHAVING OFF ROYAL LOCKS, GETTING TATTOOS

LONDON - Queen Elizabeth II caused quite a stir in Great Britain today when she appeared in public to announce that she had cut off all of her hair. The Queen walked outside the gates of Buckingham Palace for nearly ten minutes, chatting with tourists, posing for pictures and soliciting opinions about her new look. “What do you think?” she asked. “Don’t I look like a Hare Krishna?”

The Queen then reached under her royal coat and pulled out a tambourine, which she then began slapping off of her royal thigh. She chanted in a loud voice in time with the beat of her tambourine and danced around the gates, before members of the Black Guard gently led her into a Royal Ambulance. According to one high-ranking official inside the Media Relations Department at Buckingham Palace, the Queen flew to Esther’s Haircutting Studio in Tarzana, California this weekend on a whim. “She’s been acting very strange lately,” said the official. “Especially since the death of her good friend Anna Nicole.” The official was referring to the recent passing of the gold-digging one-time fried-chicken stand employee-former stripper-eleventh grade dropout Anna Nicole Smith, a frequent guest at the Queen’s summer castle in Balmoral, Scotland.

While in California , the Queen is rumored to have obtained two tattoos. One is a series of Chinese characters across her left bicep, which, translated into English, means “Rule Strong.” The other, a butterfly being swallowed by a viper, is allegedly at the base of her spine, just above her buttocks.

BRITNEY SPEARS CHECKS SELF IN, OUT OF INSTANT OIL CHANGE/REHAB FACILITY

FACILITY GUARANTEES BOTH AN OIL CHANGE AND A REHAB IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES -- "OR YOU DON'T PAY!"

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