CAPTURED BRITISH SAILOR APPEARS ON IRAN TV, ADMITS JOHN MARK KARR TRESPASSED
TEHRAN, Iran - Royal Marine rifleman Nathan Thomas Summers, one of the 15 British service members held captive in Iran, appeared Friday on the government's Arabic-language TV and apologized on behalf of John Mark Karr for directing the British vessel to enter Iranian waters "without permission."
Karr, the former American substitute teacher who last year falsely confessed to the murder of JonBenét Ramsey, confessed yesterday to directing the British military personnel to enter Iranian waters illegally. Karr forwarded a written apology to the captured British sailors and asked them to read it to the Iranian people.
Marine Summers was selected to read the statement on television. "Mr. Karr wanted me to tell you that directing the British vessel into Iranian waters was an accident, and that he loves both Iran and JonBenét."
On Thursday, Karr purportedly bragged to police officers in California that "no one could figure out how I got into the Ramsey house, or how I got the British vessel into Iranian waters." That comment led to a police interrogation of Karr, and his subsequent confession. Karr is being flown to Tehran this morning on a commercial airline to face charges of committing aggression against Islamic waters. He reportedly is sitting in first class and drinking champagne while he chats away with his police guards.
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he accepts Karr's confession on its face and is now "completely satisfied that the [captured British sailors] were not in any way at fault -- it was all John Mark Karr." Aside from Karr's confession, there is no other evidence of his purported connection to the British sailors or, for that matter, to Great Britain.
TONY BLAIR MAKES STATEMENT DIRECTED TO IRAN
Gonzales Appears Before Senate Panel, Reflexively Fires Entire Judiciary Committee
COLONEL SANDERS CALLED BACK TO ACTIVE DUTY, COURAGEOUS ROTISSERIAN WILL LEAD QUARTERMASTER CORPS IN IRAQ
“I am pleased to announce that as part of the President’s initiative to improve the morale of U.S. forces participating in Operation Iraqi Freedom, we have once again given a commission to Colonel Sanders,” said Gates.
Colonel Sanders is scheduled to report to Fort Campbell, Kentucky tomorrow morning. It is not known if the Colonel will forego his traditional dress for combat fatigues. Sanders was wounded by a sniper in Fallujah during his first tour of duty in Iraq, in part because of his unwillingness to wear anything but his trademark white suit and black bow tie in battle. “He might as well have had a bullseye on his back,” said Gates.Speaking to reporters from the front porch of his old Kentucky home, Sanders was enthusiastic about getting another opportunity to serve his country. “I am certain that my delicious chicken, with its’ secret blend of eleven herbs and spices, will give our boys the necessary nutritional benefits they require to help bring an end to the sectarian violence currently afflicting that troubled land.”
Three C-30 Transport Planes filled with poultry left Bader-Meinh off Air Force Base in Germany early this morning. Members of the quartermaster corps will begin slaughtering the chickens today in preparation for the Colonel’s arrival next week.
FIFTEEN BRITISH HOSTAGES TRADED FOR A-ROD
SINCE GOING FAST IS THE WHOLE POINT OF NASCAR, THE DRIVERS WHO USE ROCKET FUEL CAN SCARCELY BE LABELED "CHEATERS"
Their latest deceit is to label as “cheaters” the heroic drivers who use rocket fuel to make their cars go faster.
We’re sorry, but we thought that speed was the raison d'etre, the sine qua non, of NASCAR. If that’s so, a fortiori, more speed must be better.
Just remember, the sports media is comprised of the same people who decry the use of steroids to help batters hit more homeruns. Need I say more?
SEA WORLD EMPLOYEE ALMOST EATEN BY KILLER WHALE RETURNS TO WORK ON FRIDAYS DURING LENT
ONORATO, DIXON POSTPONE MEETING AT SOUTH SIDE BINGO HALL OVER SMOKING FINE
- MEETING SCHEDULED LAST NIGHT BETWEEN COUNTY EXECUTIVE DAN ONORATO, ALLEGHENY HEALTH DEPARTMENT DIRECTOR BRUCE DIXON, MEMBERS OF LITHUANIAN CITIZENS' SOCIETY TO DISCUSS COMPROMISE OVER $16,250 FINE FOR VIOLATION OF PITTSBURGH'S NEW WORKPLACE SMOKING ORDINANCE DELAYED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
- IN OTHER NEWS: INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE ALSO INVESTIGATING JANE STREET BINGO HALL FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCOUNT FOR $30,000 IT ALLEGEDLY SPENT FOR WOODEN STACKING CHAIRS
CARNAK THE MAGNIFICENT DIVINES THE ANSWER BEFORE HE EVEN READS THE QUESTION
BRITAIN ENLISTS NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN AS SPECIAL ENVOY TO STAND FIRM AGAINST IRAN
EDWARDS' POPULARITY SOARS WITH REVELATIONS ABOUT WIFE'S CANCER, SON'S DEATH
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL MAYORAL DEBATE ON WBGN-TV's "IT'S ALIVE" THIS SATURDAY
MIKE TOMLIN SINGLE-HANDEDLY CLEARS US AIRWAYS’ LUGGAGE BACKLOG
PHOENIX - Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin personally delivered 10,000 bags to US Airways customers yesterday, eliminating a backlog that had lingered since computer and weather issues created problems for the airline last month.
The sequence of events started when US Airways lost one of Tomlin’s checked bags while he was on his way to Phoenix for NFL meetings. Despite promises from the airline that the bag would be delivered within four hours, it never appeared at Tomlin's hotel. Tomlin went to the airport, spotted his bag behind the counter, and dug it out of the pile himself.
“I kept getting the run-around from their call center and the people at the airport. I saw my bag and took it,” Tomlin said. “Then I started tossing bags to other people who were standing there waiting. That’s when some airline people showed up.”
“We could have had him arrested for going behind the counter, but we decided to put his talents to use instead,” US Airways spokesman Michael Chwastyk said. “We gave him a free ride to Philadelphia, handed him van keys and a map, and he took it from there.”
Tomlin sorted the bags, loaded them up, and started driving. Tomlin said the deliveries went smoothly. “Everyone was really happy to get their bags, and I made a ton of money in tips,” he said. “My biggest problem was when I got to the homes of Steelers fans. Everyone wanted to talk about the 3-4 defense, Big Ben, and Joey Porter. I would have liked to discuss my coaching philosophy with everyone individually, but I knew I had a lot more stops to make. Most people understood.”
Tomlin had planned to return to Phoenix tonight, but he is on standby for US Airways’ last flight out of Philadelphia. “Maybe I should have stayed in Minnesota,” he said. “There, I could fly on Northwest.”
Make sure you vote here for the winner of the great Carbolic-sponsored Mayoral debate, Mayor Ravenstahl or Professor Emcee Square, host of WBGN-TV's chiller movie show "It's Alive."
CARTER, BLAIR MEET TO DISCUSS IRAN-BRITISH HOSTAGE CRISIS, FORMER PRESIDENT RECOMMENDS DARING, ILL-FATED HELICOPTER RESCUE ATTEMPT
BAILIFF REPRIMANDED FOR USING ALPENHORN DURING ARRAIGNMENT OF SENATOR BOB REGOLA, YELLING "RE-GO-LAAAAA"
OSCAR, THE GROUCH, FILES LAWSUIT AGAINST MAYOR RAVENSTAHL FOR HIS "REDD UP" INITIATIVE
News from the Smoke Ball
FIRST PERSON ACCOUNT: "HOW I KEPT THE PENGUINS FROM LEAVING PITTSBURGH"
Despite the Penguins' repeated threats to leave town if they didn't get a new arena, I was determined at all costs not to sell out the people of this great city, so I set out to get the very best deal humanly possible for Pittsburgh. I came up with the idea of holding one last, secret "make or break" meeting at a New Jersey hotel with Governor Rendell, County Executive Onorato and Penguin owners Mario Lemieux and Ron Burkle. Before I could tell anyone my idea, it turns out the Governor must have known exactly what I was thinking, so he called everyone and set up the meeting, which was totally my idea, for March 8.
When we arrived at the hotel, tensions were running high. I decided to send Mario and Mr. Burkle a message right off the bat that I meant business. "Hello, gentlemen," I said with all the warmth I could muster, shaking their hands. That really threw them. For those students of the art of negotiation, pay particular attention to the following point; in fact, write it down: From the outset of our dealings, I adopted the approach of treating the Pens with great warmth and of giving in to their every demand, and I'm sure that totally confused them every time. To be honest, I always felt a little guilty playing mind games like this with them, but then my thoughts inevitably turned to the wonderful people of Pittsburgh, and the guilt vanished.
"Well," I continued, "let's see if we can't cut a deal tonight." You will note that I did not say, "We're definitely going to cut a deal tonight." I purposefully let them think I was ready to walk away without a deal. You see, I was putting on a clinic in "Getting My Way 101."
As the meeting commenced, I made a tactical decision of pretending I didn't quite know what was going on, of being disengaged. I even brought a video game device to play during the meeting, which just blew their minds. The fact is I was studying their every word, their every pause. I decided to let Rendell and Onorato do the talking for the group, but everyone knew their words were inconsequential; the real "negotiation" -- unspoken though it was -- was making Mario and Burkle wonder when I might pounce.
Things got pretty heated, which is just as I planned. At one point late in the evening, Mario asked me what I thought of a certain point. At first I pretended I wasn't paying attention, but this was just to make him repeat it and throw him off. I won't go into detail as to what the point was (I certainly remember it well), but I cleverly said, "I agree with you, Mario," acting like a star-struck schoolboy. Well, this set Mario's mind a-whirl, trying to make sense of my ploy. Immediately, Rendell pretended to become furious with me. He slapped the table, which is exactly what I wanted, and told me to leave the room and go get everyone coffee, which is just as I planned. Mario obviously was so confused by all this his mind could not have known how to react. The amazing part is that Rendell and I never even discussed this strategy in advance.
I got the coffee and purposefully dawdled in the lobby, stopping to watch Jay Leno for a few minutes. All the while I knew what was going on in the conference room: The Pens were working feverishly to conclude a deal before I would come back in the room to get the better of them. By the time I brought the coffee in, they were all shaking hands and congratulating each other. An agreement had been reached on terms that could not possibly be any better for Pittsburgh. And, of course, everyone in that room knew who was the real architect of the deal.
PORT AUTHORITY CUTS TROLLEY TO NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE
SMITH AUTOPSY RELEASED
Perper ruled the official cause of death as "collaborative accidental imbecility," and, therefore, no charges were filed.
PARAPSYCHOLOGIST REVEALS MOST HAUNTED PLACE IN AMERICA: THE SET OF WBGN-TV's "IT'S ALIVE"
Dr. Lamar said that last Thursday evening, his Ganzfield Meter, which measures alpha wave disturbances indicating paranormal activity, achieved its highest readings ever inside the "It's Alive" studio, on the second floor of Pittsburgh Filmmakers.
"I witnessed firsthand the most disturbing demonic spiritual possession I have ever heard of," said Dr. Lamar. Dr. Lamar said he saw two grown men, one made up as if he were a corpse, the other dressed as a clown, conversing on a set that resembled the one used on the "Tonight Show." Then the clown jumped up on a desk and began to mimic a donkey, repeatedly kicking his giant legs out. Then the corpse-like man jumped atop him and pretended to ride him. "The entire time," Dr. Lamar explained, "the two men acted as if this spectacle somehow was entertaining." Dr. Lamar shuddered at the memory of the event. "I assure you, this was something science simply cannot explain."
BUSH TO ADDRESS STUDENTS AT ST. VINCENTS
NEW AT&T SERVICE CALLS TEENS' CELL PHONES EVERY THREE MINUTES TO CREATE ILLUSION THEY ARE POPULAR
Seventeen year-old Felix Frankfurter explained the need the new service fills: "It's like, the worst feeling in the world, dude, when you're, like, on a date and nobody calls you." Sixteen year-old Ashley Rooney agrees. She dumped her boyfriend, 18-year old Lucius Q.C. Lamar, last month after a dinner at Pizza Hut during which no one called Lucius. Ashley explained: "Like, I couldn't stop thinking, 'what's wrong with him?'"
The Virtual Talk Bud operators are located in India, but they have been taught to converse in the inane lingo of American teenagers, with phrases such as, "What's up, dude?" And, "Hey, dude, want to check out my new video game later?"
Felix Frankfurter put the new service in perspective: "Ever since I signed on [with Virtual Talk Bud], dude, I'm no longer, like, some loser with nobody to talk to on my cell while I'm hanging with my buds at the mall."
JACK WILSON CRITICIZES SANCHEZ'S MILDLY SPRAINED COLLATERAL LIGAMENT
Pirates' shortstop Jack Wilson immediately had harsh words for Sanchez's medial collateral ligament.
"Sanchez's medial collateral ligament came to Florida out of shape and not ready to play baseball," Wilson told TV host Stan Savran. "That's the one body part that you need to work on all winter to get it in shape, and Sanchez just didn't do it." Savran asked Wilson where that ligament is located, and Wilson quickly changed the subject.
Wilson does a nightly television show with Savran where he picks a different person to criticize each night. In the past month, Wilson has criticized Jose Castillo, TV talk show host Larry King, Che Guevara, the U.S. Supreme Court, Ryan Seacrest, former defense secretary Robert McNamara, and attorney general Alberto Gonzales.
RECENT WARNING ABOUT ASIAN FOOD LEAVES PEOPLE, STOMACHS GROWLING
A plate of Ho Chi Minh City Chicken, for example, is loaded with about 90% more sodium and more than three-quarters of the calories an average adult needs for an entire year.
"We have to sound the alarm about Asian food," said Dr. Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which prepared a report released last week. “Not that anyone will hear it over all of the munching and slurping that goes on in those places – not to mention the belching,” Lugosi-Swayne lamented.
The report was greeted with disbelief by diners packing the popular Chairman Mao’s restaurant here in DC.
“Just who are these do-gooders?” shouted Bradleys Roadhouse over the din as he gobbled down a plate of Tojo’s Imperial Steak With Bacon. “What? They’re not happy unless they’re scaring us about something!”
Calorie-laden Asian restaurant food can lead to heart attack, stroke, cancer, diabetes or worse, the report contended.
Roadhouse’s companion, a stylish, younger man who would not provide his name, was unpersuaded. “This food loaded with calories? Why is it, then, that every time I eat here I have to stop for a couple of hamburger and a milkshake on the way home?”
BREAKING NEWS: SINKHOLE THREATENS TO CONSUME THE POST-GAZETTE
PITTSBURGH - Water leaking from a 36-inch water main caused an area of the Boulevard of the Allies to sink at the intersection with Commonwealth Place and the inbound ramp from the Fort Pitt Bridge.
The sinkhole rapidly expanded throughout the day and by 4 p.m.,the north end of the Post-Gazette building at 34 Boulevard of the Allies had collapsed into the hole.
Popular sports columnist Bob Smizik was busy preparing a rare non-sports column titled "The sinkhole is exactly what Pittsburgh needs" when he and his desk were swallowed into the chasm without warning. Witnesses walking on the other side of the Boulevard of the Allies say that a sound akin to a "violent burp" erupted from the hole, "as if the earth suddenly had heartburn."
Judge Rufus Peckham, founder and editor of this news source, issued a statement extending his condolences to the Post-Gazette and to Mr. Smizik's family and readers. Judge Peckham added that in the event the Post-Gazette is entirely swallowed up by the sinkhole, the Carbolic Smoke Ball would continue to offer the people of Western Pennsylvania a viable news alternative.
More details in tomorrow's Carbolic Smoke Ball.
RAVENSTAHL REPORTS ON FACT-FINDING MISSION TO NEW YORK
NEW YORK -- Declaring it "a heckuva town," Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said his impromptu visit to this city was a morale-booster for a local population still reeling from 9/11, a struggling economy, and the Donald Trump-Rosie O'Donnell feud.
"Pittsburghers have always been a caring people," the 27-year-old mayor said. "It was time somebody stopped by just to tell them, 'Hi, I'm from a city where they don't pee in stairwells. How are you doing?'"
New Yorkers responded with typical warmth, telling the young mayor to enjoy their outdoor amenities, such as taking a hike, and to enjoy various parts of his anatomy.
The Mayor said he was especially impressed with how random New Yorkers expressed concern about whether he had enough money for his visit to one of the nation's most expensive towns.
"They kept coming up to me and asking if I had any spare change. I told them, yes, thanks, I was just fine in that department. But just imagine how comforting this must be to visitors from places like Erie or Fayette County."
"At heart, these are truly caring people," Mayor Ravenstahl said. "They seemed concerned about my well-being. At almost every corner, total strangers were walking up and asking me if I was looking for a date. I had to explain that I was married, but that my wife wasn't with me on this trip. The Rendell guy who came along with me was so impressed, he got a few of their phone numbers and said he was going to pass them on to the governor. Probably they're putting together some kind of commission to study single lifestyles in Pennsylvania."
After a nighttime visit to the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty and Carnegie Hall, the mayor settled in for the night. An avid outdoorsman, he said he was delighted to discover a hard-core camping community in this city, and eagerly joined in the inner-city sleep-out.
"I was surprised to discover that there's no Motel 6 here," the mayor explained. "I mean, here it is, the country's biggest city and, really, you can't find a motel or a drive-in theater anywhere in town." Not to be discouraged, they mayor joined two of his newest friends, Harpo and Radio Man, in a rustic, natural setting in an alleyway behind the Ed Sullivan Theater.
"It was really cool -- we lit a little fire and spread out our kits, and this Harpo guy even had what looked like a genuine Indian peace pipe. I must have really been tired, because I took one puff and the whole place seemed to just swirl around me." After awakening, the mayor was disappointed to discover that he'd somehow misplaced his wallet, cell phone, watch, rings, several gold fillings from his teeth and, in what must have been one of the odder mishaps in urban camping, his pants.
"Well, I was in such a hurry to get there, I probably left that stuff on the plane," Mayor Ravenstahl said. "But I think Pittsburgh scored some important public relations points with the people of this town and I'm definitely going to come back sometime soon. I probably won't even need any spare change."
CASTRO 'FULLY RECOVERED,' RESUMES WORLD TOUR WITH DANCING BEAR
WRAP-UP ON DON KING'S VATICAN TRIP
- DON KING, POPE BENEDICT VI MEET AT VATICAN, KING CALLS LATEST PAPAL ENCYCLICAL “STUPENDOUS, SPLENDIFEROUS, AND SPECTACULUROUS!”
- KING INQUIRES ABOUT POPE’S INTERIOR DECORATOR, POPE ASKS KING FOR THE NAME OF HIS BARBER
- DON KING PRODUCTIONS TO RELEASE EXCLUSIVE FILM OF “THE SOUL SUMMIT ” ON PAY-PER-VIEW
- KING EXPECTED TO ASSUME EXCLUSIVE REPRESENTATION OF THE VICAR OF CHRIST ON EARTH
- POPE, PATRIARCH OF CONSTANTINOPLE SIGN FOR CHRISTIAN UNIFICATION BOUT TO BE HELD IN LAS VEGAS THIS SEPTEMBER
NOAH SWAYNE'S LONG-AWAITED AUTOBIOGRAPHY CHRONICLES LIFE OF SELF-PROCLAIMED BORN LOSER
KATE AND LEO REUNITE FOR FIRST TIME SINCE "TITANIC," PRODUCERS DEVISE WAY FOR LEO TO RETURN FROM ICY DEATH IN ATLANTIC
The producers faced one big hurdle -- explaining how Leo, frozen to death in the icy waters of the North Atlantic at the conclusion of "Titanic," could come back to life.
FOOD POLICE RENEW ATTACK ON CHINESE FOOD
WASHINGTON, DC – The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI), which made headlines 15 years ago when it listed high levels of fat and sodium in popular Chinese food dishes, has released an updated report that finds nothing has changed. “Sodium, fat and calories remain unconscionably high,” CSPI nutrition director Bonnie Liebman said. “When is America going to wake up?”
Local restaurant owner Bradleys Roadhouse laughed at the question. “America doesn’t want to wake up,” he said. “When I heard about their new report, my first thought was, ‘I could go for some kung pao chicken right now.’” Apparently many other people had the same thought, as Chinese restaurants nationwide reported a surge in business last Wednesday.
Roadhouse, who dismissively calls CSPI “the food police,” continued ranting. “I have news for them: fat tastes good. Salt really wakes up flavors. I know those do-gooders also criticized Italian food and movie popcorn, but you didn’t see anyone cutting back on those, either.”
“Really, wouldn’t you rather come to my restaurant and have a nice, juicy steak and an overstuffed potato? Their idea of a good time is probably trying seven different kinds of hummus. I’d rather risk having a heart attack than eat that way.”
Ms. Liebman admits CSPI faces an uphill battle trying to change the nation’s eating habits. “It’s discouraging when no one listens to us, and sometimes I feel like I should go have a few drinks. But then I remember the empty calories and lack of nutrients in alcohol, and I pop open a can of soy milk instead.”
Said Roadhouse in response: “I rest my case.”