BREAKING NEWS: CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS ESCAPES FROM HOSPITAL, NATION ON HIGH ALERT

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Guard is warning Americans within the 48 contiguous states to be extremely cautious this afternoon in light of news that Chief Justice John Roberts escaped from a Maine hospital this morning by diving out of a second story window.

Witnesses say the jurist landed on his head, appeared to be stunned for several seconds, then stood up and ran into nearby woods. Roberts is unarmed but considered dangerous because of his extreme intelligence.

President Bush recorded a television message to be broadcast on all major networks urging Roberts to turn himself in. "John, you're sick, John," the President implored. "You've got to let us help you. Give himself up, John. You need help."

RAVENSTAHL ADMITS TO, BUT DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR, LATE-NIGHT BOOKSTORE INCIDENT

PITTSBURGH - Beset by rumors and speculation, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today finally addressed reports that he got drunk and shoved a police officer while waiting in line for the release of the new Harry Potter book.

Responding to accusations on a blog maintained by former WPXI anchorwoman Edye Tarbox, Ravenstahl gave his account of the July 20th incident in which he argued with, and was eventually handcuffed by, a police officer at the Eastside Borders bookstore.

"Myself and everybody else that was in the front of the line had no control of our bodies going forward," Mr. Ravenstahl said. "But that was the hot place to be that night, so there was no way in hell I was gonna leave."

The mayor denied being drunk, but did admit that he and his friends had consumed "maybe a coupla beers" earlier in the evening while tailgating in the Whole Foods parking lot. "This is the last Harry Potter book ever, man. We had to get our wizard on and have some fun."

Just before midnight, when a police officer in charge of security told Mr.Ravenstahl to stop cutting in line and wait his turn like everyone else, the mayor immediately identified himself. "I told him, 'Hey, dude, I'm the mayor! Step off!' When he expressed back to me that he didn't care who I was, I decided to pursue the matter going forward."

The mayor admitted using language that "maybe I shouldn't have," but claims" at no time did I physically assault that jerkwad." The mayor also denied pointing his middle finger at the officer and shouting, "Avada Kedavra, pig! Avada Kedavra!"

Mr. Ravenstahl vehemently criticized what he called "Death Eater Journalism" that has blown this story out of proportion in an attempt to benefit Mark DeSantis, his Republican challenger in the upcoming election.

"Could I have handled it in a different way? I guess," Mr. Ravenstahl said. "But I feel, and felt, and still do, that I have an obligation, or had an obligation, as an elected official, as a mayor that represents the city and its neighborhoods, to be there and have as much fun as possible."

When asked if he had finished reading the book, Mr. Ravenstahl replied,"What book?"

HILLARY CLINTON COLLEGE LETTERS ARE FAKES

Carbon dating suggests forgery; references to "LindsayLohan" and "that cool new iPhone" confirm it

INFORMANT McGRUFF THE CRIME DOG READY TO SPILL BEANS ON MICHAEL VICK

"YOU PICKED THE WRONG DOG TO USE IN ONE OF YOUR MATCHES, MIKE. YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

SUCCESS OF YOUTUBE PRIMARY DEBATE LEADS CNN TO NEXT FORMAT

Upcoming debates will feature candidates for president taking questions from cartoon characters
Hot on the heels of the YouTube Democratic Presidential debate that featured a snowman, a rapper, and men dressed as hillbillies questioning those vying to be the leader of the free world, CNN has announced that the upcoming Republican primary debate will feature a panel of cartoon characters posing questions.

Jonathan Klein, president of CNN, said that these won’t be just any cartoon characters either. “We’re pleased to announce that the heroes from the Justice League series will be moderating the next debate. They have a wide range of interests and supernatural powers, and I’m sure their questions will be just as varied.”

Joining the panel is Aquaman, who figures to have pointed questions about the melting ice caps. Wonder Woman, who has promised not to use her golden lasso to force candidates to tell the truth, is expected to ask about woman’s reproductive rights. And leading the panel will be Thor, who’s European background leads many to believe he will ask the candidates about inviting America’s allies to participate in foreign policy discussions.

If the debate is successful, CNN plans other format changes that could include “Who’s nomination is it anyway?” where candidates must act out their positions on the critical issues facing the country.

SI.com Ranks Pirates' Nutting Among Top 5 Worst MLB Owners

Team plans fireworks, promotional giveaway to commemorate the event

BUSH SUMMONS EXORCIST TO CURE CHIEF JUSTICE'S 'SEIZURES'

PREZ ATTRIBUTES ROBERTS' DEMONIC POSSESSION TO INFLUX OF LIBERALS ARGUING IN SUPREME COURT

AUTHOR PENNED BOOK ABOUT PLOT TO STEAL LINCOLN'S BODY AFTER PUBLISHER REJECTED BOOK ABOUT PLOT TO STEAL RIP TAYLOR'S WIG

JOHN McCAIN SAYS HIS CAMPAIGN IS PROCEEDING 'AS PLANNED'

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS SUFFERS SEIZURE, THROWS SELF ON FLOOR, STARTS SPINNING AROUND LIKE A TOP

WITNESSES SAY ROBERTS BEGAN YELLING "WOO, WOO, WOO, WOO, NYUK, NYUK, NYUK"

HUPPER ISLAND, Maine - Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a benign idiopathic seizure at his vacation home in Maine today, causing him to slip and fall on a dock. He immediately began spinning around like a top, shouting, "Woo, woo, woo, woo, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."

Roberts had a similar episode in 1993, at which time he repeatedly shouted, "Moe, Larry, cheese!"

The National Organization for Women issued a statement applauding the seizure and noting that "NOW would assert that this latest health episode is a sign from God in protest of Roberts' anti-woman positions on the [Supreme] Court, except that NOW doesn't believe in God."

Roberts' wife, Jane, asked the press to publicly solicit for "a qualified personal injury lawyer, preferably Jewish," to bring suit on Roberts' behalf against the owner of the dock.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER FALL, DOCTORS ASK IF HE'S ON DRUGS OR HAS RECENTLY BEEN ON SPACE MISSION

HIGH COURT DIVIDED 5-4 AS TO CAUSE, EXTENT OF INJURIES

BUSH CAMPAIGNS TO KEEP IRAN FROM BUILDING ATOMIC FIREBALL CANDY FACTORY, VOWS TO PREVENT PROLIFERATION OF CANDIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION

WASHINGTON - President Bush announced today that he is lobbying the United Nations to put the kibosh on Iran's efforts to woo the Ferrara Pan Candy Company to build a plant in Tehran for the production of the popular spicy Atomic FireBall candy.

"For many years, Iran has been bent on acquiring the know-how to enrich uranium and produce nu-kyi-ler candy," the President said. "This we will not allow."

Bradleys Roadhouse, President of the Ferrara Pan Candy Company, said that not only does his company have no intention of building a plant in Iran, but the process for making Atomic FireBalls "has nothing whatsoever" in common with the technology to enrich uranium.

"On the other hand," Roadhouse confided without elaboration, "if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ever got the idea to build a Lemonheads factory, I'd say the free world would have something to be very concerned about."

YOKO ONO BLAMED FOR BREAKING UP THE FAB TWO

PITTSBURGH - Yoko Ono, artist, singer and widow of John Lennon, is being accused by some political insiders of breaking up the Luke Ravenstahl-Dan Onorato team. Ms. Ono purportedly has allied herself with Onorato and driven a wedge between the two politicians over merging Pittsburgh into Allegheny County.

Ravenstahl has done little to dispel the accusations. The mayor invited himself on David Letterman's Friday night show and told Letterman that "yes, there's been a fair amount of friction that she [Yoko Ono] is responsible for." Letterman pressed Ravenstahl for specifics, and the mayor explained: "I can't think of anything specific, but the mere fact that a person like that is around is enough to cause friction, divisiveness, don't you think?"

Onorato refused to comment on the allegations, noting only that "Ms. Ono and I are friends, and she is a valuable source of political insight." When Ms. Ono was asked about the allegations, she shrieked the word "why" at the top of her lungs for five minutes.

Some insiders say Ms. Ono had nothing to do with the breakup, arguing it was caused by the fact that Onorato and Ravenstahl are moving in different directions politically and musically.

Ms. Ono has also been linked to the breakup of the Beatles, China's Gang of Four, and the Three Stooges.

CITY OF PITTSBURGH TO MERGE WITH MINIATURE RAILROAD AND VILLAGE

Pittsburgh cedes control to Village, one-inch tall plastic councilpersons to call the shots; Ravenstahl lauds new slogan "Think Small"

BART SIMPSON NOT THE FIRST CARTOON GUY TO BARE IT ALL

NHL SCRAMBLES TO FIND A SCANDAL TO KEEP UP WITH OTHER MAJOR SPORTS

Commissioner Bettman calls on teams to produce some controversy as bad as or worse than the NFL’s dog-fighting, the MLB’s doping, or the NBA’s point shaving, "and they better do it quick, too!"

BUSH, PENTAGON TESTING NEW CYBORG SOLDIERS

Their advantage, according to the President, is durability:"The human ones die too easily."

ABSOLUT VODKA NAMED OFFICIAL SPONSOR OF NEXT SHUTTLE LAUNCH

NASA SUSPENDING IN-FLIGHT DRINK SERVICE

Cocktail waitresses will now only serve non-alcoholic beverages until shuttle has reached orbit

SCIENTISTS SAY EARTH'S INNER TEMPERATURE IS 6,650 DEGREES . . .

. . . HOT ENOUGH TO FRY AN EGG!

LOCAL PRIEST IN TROUBLE FOR INSULTING PENITENTS IN CONFESSION

DEFIANT FATHER JULIUS MARX SAYS "HORSEFEATHERS!"

KIYA TOMLIN REVEALS HOW STEELERS' HEAD COACH WON HER HEART

"On our first date, he brought a notebook full of detailed plans for the first year of our relationship. It sort of freaked me out, but on page 53 he had sketched out some really nice diamond rings, so I figured I'd give him a chance."

O'CONNOR STREET IN HOMEWOOD TO BE RENAMED IN HONOR OF LATE MAYOR BOB O'CONNOR

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl has ordered that O'Connor Street in Homewood be renamed in honor of late Mayor Bob O'Connor as a lasting tribute to his service to the city. The new name of the street will be "O'Connor Street." Ravenstahl said the new name won't go into effect until the new street signs arrive in about two weeks.

Some residents and business owners on O'Connor Street are not happy about the change. "This has been O'Connor Street since the 1800s," said Bradleys Roadhouse, owner of Bradleys Roadhouse Bar and Grill. "This is only going to confuse my customers."

Longtime resident Noah Swayne also opposes the change but said he has no doubt it will be short-lived. "It'll be just like when they tried to rename 'Cape Canaveral' in honor of President Kennedy. It'll never take." Swayne's wife, Mindi Swayne, said that she simply refuses to acknowledge the change. "To me, this will always be O'Connor Street. Period."

SERGEANT PEPPER KILLED BY SNIPER IN FALLUJAH; BELOVED PLATOON LEADER GOT BY, TRIED, DIED WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS

FALLUJAH - Sergeant Pepper, the erstwhile leader of a lonely hearts club band who joined the army to combat militant Islam with the power of love, died by a snipers’ bullet in Fallujah yesterday while leading his men on patrol.

Private Joe Dunn, one of the men under Sergeant Pepper’s command, was crestfallen. “Sarge used to tell us that all you need is love,” said Dunn. “In hindsight, I guess you need a helmet and a Kevlar vest, too.”

In a tragic irony, Pepper was killed on the anniversary of his induction into the military after two decades of service. “It was twenty years ago today,” sobbed one unidentified soldier, who helped lift Pepper’s body on to a stretcher for transport to a field morgue. The soldier paused to reflect on the life of his fallen leader. “He was always teasing us, asking us if we were still going to need him, if we were still going to feed him, when he turned sixty-four. I guess we’ll never know,” he said, before breaking down in tears.

Critics have long debated the importance of Sergeant Pepper. Some called him pretentious, and overwrought, while still others found him irrepressibly charming. “I never got tired of listening to Sergeant Pepper,” said Private Dunn. “Except when he started with that Indian stuff.”

DORIAN GRAY DETAINED BY AIRPORT SECURITY BECAUSE HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE PHOTO DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HIM

PepsiCo BOWS TO PRESSURE, CHANGES AQUAFINA LABEL TO SHOW DRINK COMES FROM TAP WATER

SOFT DRINK BEHEMOTH ADMITS MOUNTAIN LOGO PERPETUATED MISCONCEPTION THAT WATER COMES FROM "SPRING SOURCES"

DOCTORS REPLACE CHENEY'S HEART BATTERY, DISCOVER HE'S A ROBOT

WASHINGTON - Doctors at George Washington University Hospital discovered today that Vice President Dick Cheney is a robot.

Cheney underwent minor surgery Saturday morning to replace the battery that powers a device that makes it appear he has a heart. When physicians opened up the Vice President's chest, an audible gasp was heard in the operating room and none of the personnel present said anything for more than a minute. Then a physician whispered, "Let's get this over with as quickly as possible."

Cheney, who was awake throughout the procedure, opened his eyes and winked at the physicians. In a calm speaking voice he warned them not to reveal what they had learned.

"Gentlemen, the last person who threatened to tell was named Harry Whittington. I promptly shot him in the face." Whittington was the Texas lawyer Cheney shot on a quail hunting trip in February 2006. "He knows that if he ever says a word, he's a dead man. And that goes for you, too."

GONZALES TESTIFIES BEFORE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE AS HIS STAFF LOOKS ON

GOOD HUMOR CEASES OPERATIONS IN BAGHDAD; ROADSIDE BOMBS BRING END TO ROADSIDE ICE CREAM

GREEN BAY - Citing rising casualties and declining sales, Good Humor Enterprises will no longer operate its trucks on the streets of Baghdad. Good Humor CEO David Corbett made the announcement yesterday at the company’s headquarters. “This is a sad day for Good Humor, as well as the people of Iraq,” said Corbett. “In fact, it’s a sad day for ice-cream loving peoples all over the world. Our signature bells have tolled for the last time along the banks of the Tigris.”

Nearly two hundred vendors have been killed or wounded while attempting to sell frozen confections on the thoroughfares of that war-torn city since the fall of Saddam Hussein’s government. The latest casualty occurred this past Monday. Michael Loftus, of Lisle, Illinois , a thirty year employee and lifetime consumer of Good Humor products, was killed when he refused to surrender his Eskimo pies to a hungry mob of Sunni insurgents.

The Defense Department awarded Good Humor a fifty-billion dollar contract to become the exclusive ice-cream provider of Operation Iraqi Freedom shortly after the American invasion began. “We tried everything to make this work,” said Corbett. “We changed the music in the trucks from ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’ to Olivia Newton John’s ‘Have You Never Been Mellow.’ We had our research and development department develop a tasty Moqtada al-Sadr Bar, which we sold as a Shiite on a Stick. It didn’t matter.”

Despite the tragic loss of life, Corbett is resolute. “Our cause remains a noble one. And our products remain delicious.”

OSCAR, THE CAT WHO PREDICTS PATIENTS' DEATH BY CURLING UP NEXT TO THEM, CURLS UP NEXT TO TV BROADCASTING KATIE COURIC NEWS

PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Oscar the cat has exhibited an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients at the Steere House Nursing Center are going to die by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.

Last night, Oscar curled up next to the TV when the Katie Couric CBS newscast was broadcast. A CBS News official speaking on condition of anonymity said the network is "preparing for the worst," and has notified friends and relatives of the news broadcast. "Oscar seems to know when a show is on its last legs," the source said. "He curled up next to the set the night Dan Rather aired that false report about Bush. And the funniest thing, he was with his owner on vacation at that comedy club the night Michael Richards had his meltdown."

When Ms. Couric learned of Oscar's apparent prediction, she blurted an expletive and stormed out of the room.

EPIDEMIC OF DRUNKEN ASTRONAUTS STRIKES NASA

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - America's space agency was shaken Thursday by claims that some astronauts were drunk before space launches. Flight Engineer Otis Campbell was escorted from the launch pad and placed in an unlocked cell prior to several missions. Witnesses say that once Campbell felt he had sobered up enough for spaceflight, he exited the cell on his own and rejoined the crew.

Andy Taylor, head of security for the Kennedy Space Center was reluctant to elaborate,"Awww, don't get your petticoats in a knot, we know how to handle Otis 'round here."

MAYOR ENDS HOLDOUT, SAYS HE'S READY TO REPORT TO TRAINING CAMP

Steelers officials say Ravenstahl not invited to attend; UPMC officials say they'll be happy to pay for his try-out

SIX-YEAR-OLD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY PICTURES APPEAR IN WHIRL MAGAZINE

EDITORS RUN OUT OF "SOCIETY" PICTURES, NOW TURNING TO SHOTS OF THEIR OWN FAMILY OUTINGS

ALL ROADS IN ALLEGHENY COUNTY TO CLOSE THIS WEEKEND

PennDOT recommends you stay home, not even try to leave your house

BUD SELIG MUM AS TO WHETHER HE'LL BE PRESENT WHEN DOW HITS 14,000 AGAIN

OUR TOUR DE FRANCE COVERAGE CONTINUES

TROUBLED ST. LOUIS ARCH TO BE PAINTED YELLOW, SECOND IDENTICAL ARCH TO BE BUILT NEXT TO IT, BURGERS TO BE SOLD AT GROUND LEVEL

COMPUTER SET TO FLY ON NEXT SHUTTLE WAS SABOTAGED, BUT NASA WILL GO AHEAD WITH FLIGHT BEAUSE 'WE'VE GOT TOO MANY COMPUTERS AS IT IS'

"All these damn computers, I don't know what half of them do," said NASA Director Dr. Noah Swayne

REPORT SHOWS SOME ASTRONAUTS WERE DRUNK ON FLIGHTS

As Neil Armstrong staggered down the ladder to the moon, he actually said: "That's one small wobble and lurch for man, one giant stumble for mankind."

U.S. SPRINTER DARVIS 'DOC' PATTON WINS SILVER MEDAL IN MEN'S 100 METERS -- BY RUNNING ON HIS HANDS

OSCAR THE CAT INDICTED ON 25 COUNTS OF MURDER

Rhode Island feline seen carrying syringes into elderly patients' rooms shortly before they died; prosecutors believe they were revenge killings for all the cats "put down" over time

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY TODAY . . .

CLICK HERE

PENGUINS JORDAN STAAL ARRESTED OVER PARTY NOISE

Team officials say that Staal and friends were playing Barney CD's at sleepover

ATLANTA FALCONS OPEN TRAINING CAMP, UNVEIL NEW AGILITY DRILLS

AUX. BISHOP BRADLEY LOSES DIOCESE TOP JOB TO ZUBIK, HOLDS LAST PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE 'YOU DON'T HAVE BRADLEY TO KICK AROUND ANYMORE'

PITTSBURGH - Auxiliary Bishop Paul Bradley, who has been the interim administrator of the Catholic Diocese of Pittsburgh since July 2006, held what many present described as a bizarre news conference this morning, his first meeting with the press since being passed over for Bishop of the Diocese. Green Bay Bishop David Zubik was named Bishop last week and will be installed in September.

Bradley arrived at the Diocesan auditorium ten minutes late, striding to the podium sweating profusely. Witnesses say he was sporting a heavy five o'clock shadow and his eyes were "shifty." Some Vatican watchers have opined that Bradley's lack of television appeal cost him the election to the tan, confident Bishop Zubik.

Bradley started to read a prepared statement: "Last week, the entire Diocese of Pittsburgh thrilled to the news from the Vatican that its native son David Zubik will return . . . ." Suddenly, Bradley looked up and stared straight ahead for what seemed an eternity. Then he slowly ripped up the prepared remarks. "I think we've all heard enough about David Kubik; I don't want to talk about David Zubik today, OK? This is about Paul Bradley." Bradley paused and took a drink of water.

"And I remember my old man. I think that they would have called him sort of a little man, a common man. He didn't consider himself that way. He had a lemon ranch. It was the poorest lemon ranch in California, I can assure you. But he was a great man. And Paul Bradley is a great man, too, regardless of what a bunch of wine drinking, opera lovers in Rome might think. Well, for 14 months, ever since Bishop Wuerl left, you've had a lot of fun, a lot of fun attacking me and I think I've given as good as I've taken. I hope that what I have to say today will at least make the press recognize that they have this responsibility: if you give the interim Diocesan administrator the shaft, at least assign one lonely reporter who will report what he says now and then, would you please?

"As I leave you, I want you to know one thing: just think how much you're going to be missing. You don't have Bradley to kick around anymore. Because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference. Thank you, gentlemen and good day."

Bradley abruptly left the podium without acknowledging the stunned members of the media. One Vatican insider said that Bradley has written his own ecclesiastical obituary.

AUNT PENNY INDICTED IN DOGFIGHTING CASE; FEDS CALL ELDERLY AUTOMOBILE PITCHWOMAN SADISTIC CRIMINAL MASTERMIND

PITTSBURGH - A federal grand jury has indicted Aunt Penny, long-time spokeswoman for Kenny Ross and Sons, a Pittsburgh automobile dealership, on charges of operating a dogfighting ring based at a property she owns in southeastern Virginia.

According to information provided to the IRS on her most recent tax returns, the property in question was used exclusively for the production and distribution of her legendary elderberry preserves. U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan announced the indictment at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “We believe Aunt Penny is the mastermind behind a vast criminal enterprise that subjects animals to inhumane and barbarous treatment for profit. Today, we’re putting her out of business.”

If convicted, Aunt Penny could face up to six years in prison and a three-hundred and fifty thousand dollar fine. Buchanan refused to confirm reports that Aunt Penny recruited Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick to assist her in running the dogfighting ring. Aunt Penny and Vick enjoyed a brief, but torrid relationship during Vick’s rookie season. A federal grand jury in Richmond indicted Vick on similar charges last week.

A spokesman for Kenny Ross and Sons Chevrolet issued a statement last evening. “We are shocked and dismayed that a member of our organization could be implicated in such nefarious activities. Nonetheless, this is America, and Aunt Penny hasn’t been convicted of any crime. We urge all of our customers to give her the benefit of the doubt pending a full and fair recitation of the facts at trial.”

ITALIAN RIDER IN TOUR DE FRANCE FAILS DOPING TEST; AMERICAN RIDER IN WASHINGTON, D.C. FAILS DOPE TEST

INTERNATIONAL ASTRONOMICAL UNION CLASSIFIES UPMC AS 'SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE'

AIU CITES HEALTH CARE BEHEMOTH'S EXTREME PROPENSITY TO ATTRACT, GOBBLE UP OTHER HOSPITALS

"CHEESE" OUT, "TEA" IN AS LATEST TEEN DRUG CRAZE

Parents told to watch for warning signs: discarded leaves,swollen nostrils, excessive whistling