AL SHARPTON EXULTS IN RELEASE OF JENA 6 TEEN ON BAIL
Sharpton: "I can't believe I'm actually touching a black person!"
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL ENDORSES DAN ONORATO FOR GOVERNOR
This news source decrees that if any Carbolic writer dares criticize Mr. Onorato, who mentioned this Web site in his rebuttal during the annual "Off the Record" show, will be summarily dismissed (But Zober, you're still my bitch)
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN REPUDIATES HIS WORKING CLASS ROOTS, SINGS ABOUT HOW GREAT IT IS TO BE RICH ON NEW CD
‘Born to be Dick Scaife’ expected to be first single released as leisure class hero.
Primate scientist Jane Goodall says biofuel crops actually hurting rain forests
Environmentalists counter that if we can't burn biofuels, their next choice is baby chimpanzees
CITY DISCOVERS SOURCE OF HIGHER THAN NORMAL HEAT AND HUMIDITY
Work crews vow to plug “leak” before winter weather sets in.
CYRIL WECHT ACCUSES GOOGLE MAPS, CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, OF ANTI-SEMITISM
"They should not have that egregious image on their servers," the former county coroner said. "And if Herr Governor cared at all about the Jewish people, he would terminate that heinous and atrocious building posthaste."
BISHOP ZUBIK WON'T LIVE IN MILLION-DOLLAR DIOCESE MANSION, SAYS HE'LL SLEEP IN SCHENLEY PARK CAVE
"If rocks and moss were good enough for our Savior," the Bishop said, "then they're good enough for me."
SENATOR LARRY CRAIG PETITIONS TO WITHDRAW GUILTY PLEA
To prove he’s not gay, he told the court he is changing his nationality to Iranian. "I'm not gay, and the Holocaust never happened!"
BUSH TO RESTORE RACIAL HARMONY TO JENA
PREZ SAYS HE'LL SEND MANAGER OF HARLEM RESTAURANT WHERE BILL O'REILLY DINED WITH AL SHARPTON
Rahvenstahl Addresses U.N.
NEW YORK -- Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl delivered his annual address to an almost-empty chamber of the U.N. General Assembly on Tuesday. He spoke out in detail against the repressive regime in Cleveland, prompting Cleveland's -- and Cuba's -- foreign ministers to walk out in protest.
Ravenstahl declared that "Pittsburghers are outraged by the situation in Cleveland," and accused the city's dictatorship of a "multi-year reign of loserdom." The mayor read a litany of human rights abuses including, "The Browns, Dennis Kucinich, the Indians, the Browns, the Browns, the Browns, the Cavaliers and Dennis Kucinich."
Outside, about a dozen Cleveland sympathizers were arrested for burning the Terrible Towel.
Ravenstahl declared that "Pittsburghers are outraged by the situation in Cleveland," and accused the city's dictatorship of a "multi-year reign of loserdom." The mayor read a litany of human rights abuses including, "The Browns, Dennis Kucinich, the Indians, the Browns, the Browns, the Browns, the Cavaliers and Dennis Kucinich."
Outside, about a dozen Cleveland sympathizers were arrested for burning the Terrible Towel.
LOCAL ANCHORS FORCED TO WATCH THEIR OWN NEWS BROADCASTS
"This is hilarious!"says WTAE's Sally Wiggin. "I had no idea how ridiculous we all look and sound!"
ROETHLISBERGER SHOWING SIGNS THAT MOTORCYCLE WRECK STILL IMPAIRING HIS JUDGMENT
Steelers QB shocks a 2nd Grade class by showing them the Playboy centerfold he's currently dating
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL SPOTTED BUYING 2008 OLD FARMERS' ALMANAC
Groundhog trying to avoid repeat of 2007's disastrous prediction
DONOVAN MCNABB COMPLAINS EAGLES CHOSE 1930's THROWBACK UNIFORMS TO MAKE HIM LOOK BAD
"There's no way they would have made a white quarterback wear that," Philadelphia quarterback complains
PIRATES HIRE 'INDIANS SCOUT' AS NEW GM
Owner Bob Nutting: "He and I smoke-em peace pipe, cut deal." Nutting explained new GM comes cheap and will "look great" standing in front of team offices.
NEW CATHOLIC BISHOP DAVID ZUBIK TO PERFORM EXORCISM ON CLEVELANDER NEAL HUNTINGTON BEFORE HE BECOMES THE PIRATES GENERAL MANAGER
Editor's Note: The Cleveland Indians clinched the AL Central title on Sunday with 92 wins.
City school superintendent Roosevelt urges school board to build canal through downtown, bust trusts
IN SPEECH OUTLINING PLAN, TEDDY ROOSEVELT'S GREAT-GRANDSON REPEATEDLY REFERS TO PITTSBURGH
AS "THE ISTHMUS"
PITTSBURGH - At the meeting of the Pittsburgh School Board last night, the board members expected Superintendent Mark Roosevelt, great-grandson of President Theodore Roosevelt, to discuss the possibility of closing additional schools. That's exactly what Roosevelt started to do but after a few sentences he paused and stared at that Board members, then he tossed down his prepared remarks and shouted, "BULLY! BULLY!"
Roosevelt launched into a spellbinding, 40-minute tirade that implored the Board to authorize construction of a canal through downtown Pittsburgh and to "bust the trusts," thumping the lectern repeatedly to emphasize his words.
Board members exchanged perplexed looks while Roosevelt explained that two-fifths of the nation's manufacturing output is controlled by a handful of trusts.
"What the hell's a trust," whispered board member Mark Brentley to board member Randall Taylor. Taylor shrugged. "Who cares," he whispered nervously. "This man is nuts."
Roosevelt told the Board that the most important issue facing the city schools is "that Pittsburgh doesn't have a canal." He unveiled a large diagram of a canal running along the path of the Boulevard of the Allies in downtown Pittsburgh. A canal, Roosevelt explained, would "cut through" Pittsburgh's downtown, which he repeatedly referred to as "the isthmus," in order to "connect our three great rivers with our two great oceans." Roosevelt noted without explanation that the YMCA swimming pool on the Boulevard of the Allies could be used as a "drainage basin." Roosevelt cautioned that construction of a canal likely would bring with it a wave of yellow fever and malaria.
At the conclusion of his remarks board members were on their feet shouting questions, but Roosevelt had already donned a pith helmet and was headed out the door. "Africa calls," he shouted as he ran outside to join a waiting caravan.
AS "THE ISTHMUS"PITTSBURGH - At the meeting of the Pittsburgh School Board last night, the board members expected Superintendent Mark Roosevelt, great-grandson of President Theodore Roosevelt, to discuss the possibility of closing additional schools. That's exactly what Roosevelt started to do but after a few sentences he paused and stared at that Board members, then he tossed down his prepared remarks and shouted, "BULLY! BULLY!"
Roosevelt launched into a spellbinding, 40-minute tirade that implored the Board to authorize construction of a canal through downtown Pittsburgh and to "bust the trusts," thumping the lectern repeatedly to emphasize his words.
Board members exchanged perplexed looks while Roosevelt explained that two-fifths of the nation's manufacturing output is controlled by a handful of trusts.
"What the hell's a trust," whispered board member Mark Brentley to board member Randall Taylor. Taylor shrugged. "Who cares," he whispered nervously. "This man is nuts."
Roosevelt told the Board that the most important issue facing the city schools is "that Pittsburgh doesn't have a canal." He unveiled a large diagram of a canal running along the path of the Boulevard of the Allies in downtown Pittsburgh. A canal, Roosevelt explained, would "cut through" Pittsburgh's downtown, which he repeatedly referred to as "the isthmus," in order to "connect our three great rivers with our two great oceans." Roosevelt noted without explanation that the YMCA swimming pool on the Boulevard of the Allies could be used as a "drainage basin." Roosevelt cautioned that construction of a canal likely would bring with it a wave of yellow fever and malaria.
At the conclusion of his remarks board members were on their feet shouting questions, but Roosevelt had already donned a pith helmet and was headed out the door. "Africa calls," he shouted as he ran outside to join a waiting caravan.
Ahmadinejad Loves New York; Bollinger Does A '180' to Distance Self From Despot
NEW YORK - Columbia University President Lee Bollinger, who invited Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak at the school, tried to distance himself from the controversial leader today after his appearance sparked wide-spread campus protests.
After Ahmadinejad spoke, Bollinger scurried to the microphone and exclaimed, "I am shocked, shocked to find that hate-mongering is going on in here." Bollinger told the crowd he was "completely caught off guard" by Ahmadinejad's presence. "I didn't realize until a few minutes ago that it was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the fascist up here speaking. I thought it was Mahmoud Harvey Ahmadinejad, the famous surrealist decoupage. Wait until I get a hold of my secretary! Hoo boy, are our faces red."
This is not the first time Bollinger sparked controversy by his choice of speakers. He came under fire last year when he invited Don Barzini and the other heads of the five families to speak on campus.
In his speech, Ahmadinejad indicated he would like to "do some shopping, maybe see a show -- I love musicals," during his stay in New York, but complained that the cab ride from LaGuardia to Columbia cost $438.
PUNDITS SAY IN 2008, GOP WILL DO WHAT IT ALWAYS DOES WHEN IT'S IN TROUBLE: TURN TO NIXON
HE'S TANNED, RESTED AND READY: NIXON '08
STEELERS FILE MISSING PERSON REPORT ON STEELY MCBEAM
“We don’t think he just skipped town. He may be a victim of foul play,” Pittsburgh Police commander said
SOUTH SIDE --- Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam, who has not been seen in public since September 12, is now the subject of a police investigation. Mr. McBeam was last seen helping to inaugurate the Steelers-themed airplane in mid-September, but he failed to show up for scheduled appearances at the Steelers-Buffalo and Steelers-49’ers games. Team officials filed a missing-person report this morning.
SOUTH SIDE --- Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam, who has not been seen in public since September 12, is now the subject of a police investigation. Mr. McBeam was last seen helping to inaugurate the Steelers-themed airplane in mid-September, but he failed to show up for scheduled appearances at the Steelers-Buffalo and Steelers-49’ers games. Team officials filed a missing-person report this morning.
“Usually when someone goes missing, there are three possibilities,” Pittsburgh Police Chief Nathan Harper said today. “One possibility is that he just skipped town. People do that all the time --- just look at how the city’s population has declined. But the thinking around the precinct is that he may have harmed himself, or he’s become a victim of foul play.”
McBeam was booed when he made his first appearance at Heinz Field for the August 11 preseason game with the Packers. “Being booed by 60,000 people can have a profound psychological effect on anyone,” Harper said. “When the Steelers are booed, at least they have each other to rely on. But Steely’s got no one on his side. If he fell into a deep enough depression, he may have jumped off any one of our bridges.”
Chief Harper, though, thinks foul play is more likely. “We have 60,000 people who proved that they hate him. Plus there’s a few people over at the Post-Gazette who wanted him gone. A lot of people had motive and opportunity.”
Harper said he’ll put a few detectives on the case, but he doesn’t think they’ll make a big effort to find the mascot. “To be honest, none of the officers really liked him from the get-go. I don’t think they’ll be beating the bushes looking for him.”
RAVENSTAHL, BLOOMBERG, ONORATO COMPETE IN FINAL ROUND OF 9/11 JEOPARDY
For the answer, "Your reaction to a traveling 9/11 exhibit," Bloomberg and Onorato both correctly responded, "What is a great, shameless photo-op?" Ravenstahl, who finished a distant third, responded, "What's 9/11?"
WECHT FAMILY CONVERTS TO ISLAM, DENOUNCES CARTOON DEPICTIONS OF MOHAMMAD, CYRIL WECHT, OTHER DEITIES
“We call for a jihad against the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and cartoonist Rob Rogers.” -- Velveeta “Pinky” Wecht
UPMC RESPONDS TO HILLARY CLINTON’S CALL FOR MANDATORY HEALTH CARE WITH AFFORDABLE FACELIFT PROGRAM FOR LOW-INCOME PEOPLE
“Even uninsured [people] deserve to look good – it allows them to forget about their ailments.” -- UPMC President Jeffrey Romoff
GIULIANI DEMONSTRATES HIS LOVE OF FIREARMS BY SHOOTING VIET CITIZEN DURING NRA ADDRESS
WASHINGTON - Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani demonstrated his support for a constitutional right to bear arms by shooting an unnamed Vietnamese man during his address to the National Rifle Association on Saturday.
Giuliani, who once referred to the NRA as "extremists," sought to eliminate any doubts about his pro-gun stance by his bold act. The shooting was believed to be unprecedented, even for an NRA event. A few audible gasps were heard following the shot, then stunned silence, and finally a standing ovation for the ex-New York City mayor. Someone in the crowd yelled, "We love you, Rudy!"
But some Asian-Americans thought Giuliani's demonstration to the powerful lobbying group may have gone too far. "I'm thinking maybe he could have shot some other minority," said Lee Ho Fuk, spokesman for the Asian Anti-defamation League.
Giuliani immediately fled the country following the shooting. He is allegedly hiding in Italy under the protection of Don Tommassino, where he expects to remain until after he is elected President.
LOCAL CATHOLIC MAN RETRACTS SIGN OF PEACE
PITTSBURGH - Immediately following the 9:30 a.m. mass at St. Elizabeth Church in suburban Pittsburgh on Sunday, Noah Swayne announced to fellow parishioners that he was retracting the sign of peace he had given to an unnamed parishioner.Swayne addressed about a half-dozen parishioners on the steps of the church. "I regret to announce that on my way out of church, I was informed by a reliable source that a certain person to whom I had given the sign of peace, whose name I will not reveal, is rumored to have engaged in certain misconduct that I will not elaborate upon," Swayne explained. "Accordingly, in good conscience, I can't allow the sign of peace to stand."
This is not the first time Swayne has retracted the sign of peace. He did the same thing last January to his nephew, 16-year-old Matt Swayne, after learning that Matt's father had caught Matt masturbating to a Penthouse Magazine. Swayne also said at the time that he would never shake Matt's hand again "for obvious reasons."
For Swayne's latest retraction, Swayne said he would consider reinstating the sign of peace if the unspecified misconduct is rectified.
"SILENCE OF THE LAMBS" AUTHOR REVEALS CYRIL WECHT WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR HANNIBAL LECTER
"Smart guy, likes to play with dead bodies, loves to hear himself talk -- I knew he would freak people out," said Thomas Harris.
DR. CYRIL WECHT ACCUSES JUDGE PECKHAM, LOCAL RABBI OF ANTI-SEMITISM
"That Hannibal Lecter joke manifested new depths of blogalistic depravity,"the former county coroner said. "And when I confabulated about it with my rabbi, he had the audacity to tell me that the Torah teaches forgiveness. It's evident these men have no sense of personal morality whatsoever."
BUSH VOWS TO VETO CHILDREN'S HEALTH INSURANCE BILL
"We shouldn't be paying to keep those little bastards healthy," the President said. "Not until they're old enough to fight in Iraq, anyway.Then we can send 'em to Walter Reed."
FILM REVIEW: 'RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION' -- GRRLS KICK WHITE MALE ASS
BY CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL MAN-HATING FILM CRITIC MISS VELVEETA ANDRY: Miss Andry generally does not squander her precious film-going time on "action" flicks, since these usually are scripted to appeal to brain-dead, testosterone-poisoned young white males, which means they are utterly lacking in anything of value. But Resident Evil: Extinction is that rare exception, a cornucopia of feminist delights.
Set in a desolate, post-apocalyptic world where the mostly male zombies kill and devour innocent human flesh (what did you expect?), a small band of the sisterhood survives to eradicate the evil. (Oh, and a few males assist the womyn heroes.) Without giving too much away, the heroes are ass-kicking, ball-busting womyn who not only fight better than the males (as is true in every modern war film, and I am sure in real life, too), they are also nurturing, spiritual beings, which, of course, the males are not. All the "good" males (an oxymoron, I know) helping the women fight the zombies are killed because they are not as strong as the womyn; they are a metaphor for the small band of weak but well-intentioned male allies in the feminist revolution.
Naturally, the corporation that let loose the virus that created the zombies in an earlier Resident Evil film is comprised entirely of evil white males (a redundancy, I know). In this film, that same corporation is busy bio-engineering beautiful, naked young womyn, also spiritual beings, who are clones of the bio-organic star, a character named Alice. The evil corporation purposefully kills the clone-womyn in horrible ways and throws their battered bodies in a giant ditch. Has there ever been a more apt metaphor for the patriarchy? In case you are wondering, there is zero affirmative action in this corporation, not even a token female. This, of course, mirrors all major companies in America where, I am quite certain there is not a single female employee in any of them. You see, Hollywood at its politically-correct best truly "gets it right" -- holds a mirror up to society.
The ending should send a chill up the scrota of every male in the audience: Alice, the bio-organic star, tells the evil white corporate men that she and her army of naked sister clones are coming for them. I frankly experienced orgasm when she said that and can't wait for the sequel!
While this film isn't as important as last week's landmark in male-bashing The Brave One, it nevertheless deserves THREE BREASTS.
BUSH SUGGESTS “ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS” TO END IRAQ CIVIL WAR BETWEEN SHIITES AND SUNNIS
“It always worked for me and Jeb,” the President told his staff.
PRESIDENT BUSH UNVEILS NEW PLAN TO DEFEAT TERRORISM
“Let’s send all of our deadly, imported Chinese toys to al Qaeda!”
Cyclist Pedals Dope
PARIS - Floyd Landis must forfeit his 2006 Tour de France title after losing his doping arbitration case. When told of the decision, Landis became uncontrollably angry, swelled to twice his normal size, turned green, then destroyed the hearing room. He attributed his violent reaction to his "naturally occurring high levels of testosterone."
"Today's ruling is a victory for all clean athletes and especially for the guy who finished second," said U.S. Anti-Doping Agency CEO Bruce Banner.
"Today's ruling is a victory for all clean athletes and especially for the guy who finished second," said U.S. Anti-Doping Agency CEO Bruce Banner.
KING'S RESTAURANT REVEALS IT IS MASTERMIND BEHIND STEELERS MASCOT
"STEELY MCBEAM WAS JUST A RUSE DESIGNED TO DIVERT ATTENTION TO THE TRUE WORST MASCOT OF ALL-TIME, THE FROWNIE"
LOCAL SENIORS DISMISS FORBES.COM LOW-RANKING OF OLDER DATING SCENE IN PITTSBURGH AS 'RUBBISH'
HOMESTEAD ROYAL ORDER OF MARITIME ELKS CLAIMS SURVEY INVALID BECAUSE IT DIDN'T COUNT 'MATURE, MARRIED' DATERS -- OR SWINGERS
FAMED MIME MARCEL MARCEAU IS DEAD AT 84
Dying words dragged on for fifteen minutes; French President Nicolas Sarkozy tapped to not speak at funeral
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