ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY LISTS SCARIEST FILMS EVER MADE
3. American Werewolf in London2. Nightmare on Elm Street
1. Pirates 2007 Highlight Film
PEOPLE MAGAZINE RELEASES NFL QUARTERBACK RATINGS
Game stats are meaningless in rankings, as “hot girlfriends” are the only criterion; Tom Brady leads, with Roethlisberger a distant third
NEW YORK --- In an attempt to attract more young male readers, People Magazine has inaugurated a new ratings system that will evaluate NFL quarterbacks based on the women they date. People’s Sports Editor Bob Brenneman unveiled the rankings at a press conference, and, as expected, Tom Brady leads all quarterbacks with a perfect 158.0 rating.
NEW YORK --- In an attempt to attract more young male readers, People Magazine has inaugurated a new ratings system that will evaluate NFL quarterbacks based on the women they date. People’s Sports Editor Bob Brenneman unveiled the rankings at a press conference, and, as expected, Tom Brady leads all quarterbacks with a perfect 158.0 rating.“Just as the Patriots seems to play in a league all their own in the NFL, Tom Brady is in his own league with women,” Brenneman said today. “Supermodels are drawn to him. Not only does he have a child with one, he is currently dating Gisele Bundchen. It doesn’t get much better than that, and it earns him the maximum rating.”
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo came in second at 121.0. “Romo has a history of dating beautiful women like Sophia Bush and Carrie Underwood, putting him in a strong second,” Brenneman continued. “Unfortunately, he was seen with Britney Spears over the weekend, and that may hurt him in the next poll. Britney’s a little bit crazy and not so hot anymore.”
Even if Romo falls slightly, the sports editor doesn’t think he will slip below Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger is a distant third in the People rankings, with a rating of 78.0. People’s editors note that although the Steelers QB is a handsome, virile young man, he’s made some public missteps. “First of all, Ben admitted he was using Internet dating in 2005. Then he was dating an LPGA golfer,” Brenneman said. “That’s kind of a shallow pool when it comes to hot, straight women, if you get my drift. When he did a photo shoot with an actress and rumors started about the two of them, she immediately denied the relationship. That kind of thing hurts his rating, not to mention being a blow to his ego.”
Brenneman doesn’t foresee any big changes in the rankings, unless there’s a drastic change in the Steelers’ roster. “If [kicker] Jeff Reed ever switches to quarterback, Ben will sink like a stone,” the editor said. “Reed’s got a physique not usually seen on mere mortals. I think even Gisele would leave Tom for him.”
MAYOR SKIPS MEETING WITH BLACK, WOMEN'S GROUPS TO AWAIT ARRIVAL OF GREAT PUMPKIN
Is evasive about his whereabouts.
No apologies to the local newspaper cartoonist who printed a similar entry in his paper on October 30, since Carbolic Smoke Ball had this same idea last year: http://carbolicsmokeblog.blogspot.com/2006/10/advisors-warn-mayor-not-to-make-fool.html
TRAVEL CHANNEL SELECTS WECHT'S HOUSE CREEPIEST DESTINATION IN US
"If you can’t travel to Vlad the Impaler’s castle in Transylvania, this is the next best thing.”
HALLOWEEN DECORATING GETS COMPETITIVE: MT. LEBANON FAMILY OFFERS TO BURY RECENTLY DECEASED IN FRONT YARD
MOUNT LEBANON, Pa. - Halloween decorating has gotten competitive in posh Mt. Lebanon. The Robert Haas family in the Virginia Manor neighborhood is offering free burial space in their front yard to the recently deceased. The Haas children are pushing the idea, and their parents, Robert and Judi, are going along with it because the children "promise" to care for the graves even after Halloween is over.
PENNDOT UNVEILS PLAN TO DEAL WITH SNOW AND ICE THIS WINTER
"Spring" an integral part of agency's one-point plan
PEDUTO: "I'M NOT ENCOURAGING DEMOCRATS TO DO ANYTHING IN THIS RACE"
Noting he was late for a lunch date with iJustine, the city councilman added, "In other words, they can just do what I've done."
Freaked by On-Line Mayoral Poll Results, Ravenstahl Hacks KDKA's Server
Screws up, casts 1000 votes for "Dancing With The Stars" instead
DEAR ABBY: HUSBAND'S AFFAIR WITH COLLEGE-AGE WOMAN CAN WORK DESPITE AGE DIFFERENCE -- IF GIVEN THE CHANCE
DEAR ABBY: My husband, Bob, just turned 50. We've been happily married for 24 years. Last night I learned that Bob has been having an affair for the past year with a 20 year old college woman. I am at a loss to know how to react, Abby, because I am in shock. Help! -- JUDI IN PITTSBURGHDEAR JUDI IN PITTSBURGH: React? I'd say you are overreacting because many successful relationships involve couples of different ages. Fifty is the new twenty-five, and your husband is as young as he feels. But a word to the wise: the likelihood of this relationship succeeding is greatly diminished if people won't give it a chance.
_______________
DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office of four people. The oldest lady in the group consistently commandeers the thermostat to keep the air conditioning going at full blast even when it's cold outside. All the other workers are constantly cold. She' s my superior, but I would like to know how to handle this situation. -- FROZEN OUT
DEAR FROZEN OUT: I know who this is, ALLISON CURRY. Just wait until you're my age and you're hot all the time, then let's see how quick you are to criticize, you judgemental jackass. But don't worry, you won't be cold any longer because you're FIRED.
NFL RULES OUT FURTHER GAMES IN LONDON DUE TO 'FLABBY, UNAPPEALING' STREAKERS WHO ARE 'A DISGRACE TO EXHIBITIONISM'
Disgusted NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said streaker who interrupted Dolphins-Giants game in London "did nothing for me whatsoever"
Biblical scholars say end of world may be at hand
POST-GAZETTE ENDORSES REPUBLICAN DeSANTIS
World leaders prepare for rapture. Religious leaders explain that Book of Malachi, Chapter 4, predicted this day:The Day of the LORD
"Surely the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble, and that day that is coming will set them on fire," says the LORD Almighty. "Not a root or a branch will be left to them." . . . . "See, I will send you the prophet Elijah [MEANING, THE POST-GAZETTE EDITORIAL BOARD] before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse."
WITH LEAD NARROWING, RAVENSTAHL CHECKS INTO UPMC FACILITY FOR 'CHARISMA AUGMENTATION'
PITTSBURGH - Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober confirmed that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl underwent a "charisma augmentation" procedure from a crack team of physicians at an undisclosed UPMC facility early this morning.The procedure was performed shortly after Ravenstahl had complained of feeling "dull, and ordinary" and speaking in a monotone while addressing local labor leaders. Ravenstahl, whose campaign dossier lists his favorite colors as "brown, tan, and beige," and claims his favorite beverage is "a tall glass of tap water served at room temperature," is expected to be released sometime over the next seventy-two hours.
Zober provided details of the procedure: "I want to stress to all of you this was strictly augmentation, not implants," he said. "The mayor was merely enhancing the great and natural charisma he already possessed." Asked about details of the operation, Zober said the prognosis was good. "The doctors are confident they have removed all of the monotone from Mr. Ravenstahl’s vocal cords, and that the procedure was a complete success," said Zober. "However," he added, "we won’t be sure until we see how audiences react to the mayor's stump speech the next time he hits the campaign trail. If they start dozing off again, we might be in trouble."
RAVENSTAHL SAYS DeSANTIS GUILTY OF FOP BRIBERY & CORRUPTION
Mayor adds that he'd like to know where his Republican challenger was on 9/11, when Jimmy Hoffa disappeared, and "when that Kennedy dude got shot"
THAT INCORRIGIBLE SHANNON SHARPE BUSTS UP NFL TODAY PANEL ONCE AGAIN
Co-hosts are unable to contain their laughter at the outrageous commentary from the irreverent but lovable panelist
LOCAL MAN USES DNA EVIDENCE TO PROVE HE DID NOT MASTURBATE ON HIS MOTHER'S COUCH AS A TEENAGER
"False accusations of masturbation are a national epidemic, affecting 70% of all teenage boys." PITTSBURGH - For 23 years, Seymour Karlson, now 40, has maintained that his mother wrongly accused him of masturbating on her gold couch when he was a teenager. During all that time, Seymour's mother, Louise Karlson, repeatedly told friends and family that Seymour stained the couch with his "vile, disgusting habit."
Last week, DNA evidence proved conclusively that Seymour didn't do it.
"Back in '84, my older sister Cynthia told my mother that I did it, and since I was the only male in a household of four females, in my mother's eyes, I was guilty until proven innocent," Seymour explained. "It was a classic rush to judgment."
Seymour's goal for the next twenty-three years was to exonerate himself in his mother's eyes. When he learned that DNA evidence could clear him of the charges, he procured evidence from the couch to prove that the stain did not match his DNA profile. Last week, the DNA testing came back, and Seymour was completely exonerated. The stain was proven to be semen from another male. Seymour's older sister Cynthia finally confessed to her mother that her then-boyfriend was responsible.
"Of course Cynthia will only get a slap on the wrists, even though I've been living in a prison my mother constructed for me in her mind for twenty-three years," said Seymour.
Seymour claims that false accusations of masturbation are a national epidemic, affecting 70% of all teenage boys. Women's groups put the figure at closer to 2% and claim that mothers and sisters do not lie about such matters.
Despite his exoneration, Seymour felt strangely disappointed. "I've worked so hard for this day, and I know I'm supposed to be happy, but I keep wondering, how do you get back twenty-three years that were taken from you? What can ever make up for the false accusations, the stigma, the damage to your reputation?"
Seymour's mother was not apologetic. "So Seymour didn't [masturbate] on the couch, what difference does it make? I know for a fact that on many other occasions, he [masturbated] with the vacuum cleaner." When confronted with this latest allegation, Seymour smiled: "Now there she's got me."
PRESIDENT KENNEDY'S GRANDDAUGHTER ACCIDENTALLY WEARS JACKIE'S BLOODSTAINED PINK DRESS TO HALLOWEEN PARTY
"Everybody had a real good horse laugh over it; it was just one of those magic moments, and a good time was had by all!"NEW YORK - It was the mix-up of all fashion mix-ups when seventeen-year-old Tatiana Celia Kennedy Schlossberg, granddaughter of the late Jackie Kennedy Onassis, accidentally wore to a Halloween party the bloodstained pink outfit Jackie adorned the day President Kennedy was shot in Dallas in 1963.
"It was the damnedest thing," laughed family friend Mike Giunta. "Tatiana was looking for a scary outfit to wear to the party, and she came across the pink outfit in the attic, you know, stained with the blood and all that, so she thought it would be just perfect. I can't help but chuckle just thinking about it."
Giunta explained that when Tatiana walked into the party, one of the the kids told her what she'd done and "everybody had a real good horse laugh over it, especially Tatiana. A good time was had by all."
But the real hi jinx didn't start until a young woman showed up dressed like Marilyn Monroe. "It was a riot," explained Giunta. "Tatiana, wearing that dress, was drawn right over to her. She got up in Marilyn Monroe's face and slapped her. It was a real cat fight, brother, I'm telling you!"
FORMER COAL EXECUTIVE GIVES WVU $25 MILLION, ALL STUDENTS TO HAVE TEETH FIXED
“We’re hoping to have a little left over to fireproof a few couches.” J. D. Clampett, University President
YET MORE SCENES FROM THE MAYORAL DEBATE
Debate interrupted when Mayor Ravenstahl receives strip-o-gram from frat buddy; despite moderator Sally Wiggin's strong objections, the "show" goes on. Mark DeSantis, meanwhile, attempts to feign disinterest.
Bengals Head Coach Marvin Lewis Forfeits Upcoming Game Against the Steelers
Says Tomlin's analysis of match-up convinced him that his team would lose.Cincinnati's Marvin Lewis shocked fans across the NFL today when he announced that his team would forfeit this Sunday's game against Pittsburgh. The announcement came after an intense, three hour meeting that occurred at the request of Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin.
A visibly stunned Lewis announced the decision to his team this morning. "After meeting with Coach Tomlin, I found his case for a Pittsburgh victory compelling. Frankly, I couldn't argue with it, and I agreed with Mike that it was in the best interest of both teams that we take the loss that is going to come to us anyway. It was simply not worth risking injuries to either teams' players. The Bengals are a proud organization. But right now, we should just accept the inevitable defeat that Coach Tomlin outlined in his extensive presentation, including the accompanying graphs."
Forfeits are a rarity in modern football. Tomlin's success in securing a victory without actually taking the field may start a new trend. However,Tomlin told fans to hold onto their tickets. At least, for the time being.
"We still expect to play quite a few games this season, if my coaching staff determines we are facing an equally matched opponent," the victorious Tomlin said. "I just feel that if we sit down with our lesser adversaries and reason with them, we can rest our players for the competition to come from the top tier teams in our schedule."
KDKA'S MARTY GRIFFIN SETS WORLD RECORD, TALKS OUT OF THREE SIDES OF HIS MOUTH AT THE SAME TIME
"We knew if anyone could do it, Marty could," said KDKA's Chris Schultz, who produced the segment in which Griffin set the record. "We think he may be able to break it again before the election."
PHILADELPHIA DITCHES 'LEAST ATTRACTIVE' IMAGE BY SUBSTITUTING 'HOT' MODEL FOR WILLIAM PENN STATUE ATOP CITY HALL
PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia is looking to shed the negative designation heaped on it by Travel & Leisure Magazine of having the "least attractive people" of any city in America. "You know what's killing us?" said Mayor John Street. "Stodgy old William Penn, that's what's killing us." The mayor was referring to the bronze statue of the city's founder that has adorned the top of City Hall for more than 100 years. "Hell, when I get to be 100, I hope I look so good, but let's face it: it is not a pretty sight," said the mayor.
The solution? A sexier William Penn.
Mayor Street personally conducted a nationwide search for a new William Penn and chose an African American woman named Jessica Mars, 22. Mars was all set to don Penn's famous hat, but nothing else, when the selection drew fire from a variety of civic groups. "The naysayers made a big deal out of the fact that William Penn supposedly was a Caucasian male, not a black woman," said the mayor. "I mean, have you ever heard of anything so ludicrous? I was appalled that people could be so mean-spirited."
Street reconvened the search and tapped 22-year-old model Jacob Cornish to be Penn. Cornish will man the perch every day from sun-up to sun-down, but he will not be decked out in the accouterments common to noblemen of the late 1600s, or in anything else, for that matter. "Who would the ladies rather look at: the guy on the Quaker Oats box, or a Chippendales dancer?" the mayor asked. Street defended criticisms that Cornish sports tattoos. "Who's to say it's not historical? I mean, did you ever see a picture of William Penn's naked body? For all we know, William Penn might have had tattoos exactly like Jacob's."
Cornish is not letting his new gig go to his head. "I'm just, like, worried that the chicks who see my [penis] won't understand it's, like, really cold up there, dude."
DICK THORNBURGH GOES TO CAPITOL HILL, TELLS LAWMAKERS THAT CYRIL WECHT WAS ONLY AN "ADJUNCT MEMBER" OF HITLER YOUTH
"Those old photos were taken at the Third Reich Christmas party," the former Attorney General said. "There's no evidence that Dr. Wecht ever participated in any sort of final, or even penultimate, solution."
PALS EXCHANGE GIFTS
Senator Larry Craig presents Steeler mascot Steely McBeam with a lovely crystal vase from the "We're Not Gay - Really" citizens association. McBeam presented Craig with a long, stiff beam courtesy of the "Not Gay Steelworkers, Local 88."
DeSANTIS TELLS CROWD THAT RAVENSTAHL HAS SCREWED A CERTAIN MUNICIPALITY ROYALLY
In keeping with this news service's policy of not naming victims of sexual assault, we will not identify the municipality.
CASTRO TOUTS AMERICAN LIFE AFTER BUSH
HAVANA -- Fidel Castro, trying to loosen President Bush 's hold on power, blistered his administration Wednesday and challenged allies to help foster a democratic uprising or risk the shame of staying silent.“Now is the time to support the democratic movements growing in the United States," Castro said, "Now is the time to stand with the American people as they stand up for their liberty. And now is the time for the world to put aside its differences and prepare for America's transition to a future of freedom and progress and promise."
Castro appealed to other nations, such as Iraq and Iran, to chip in with money and support, casting a long-standing political struggle in moral terms.
In response, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a news conference that Castro's plans were "equivalent to the re-conquest of America by force" and said they "give an idea of the level of frustration, of desperation and of personal hatred toward the USA."
She said most American back President Bush, making the idea of an internal uprising a "fantasy" and "politically impossible." Her remarks echoed those of President Bush himself, who wrote in newspaper columns this week that "Castro is obsessed with the United States."
PSYCHOLOGISTS WARN: TOO MUCH EXPOSURE TO GHOULISH HALLOWEEN DISPLAYS WILL DESENSITIZE PEOPLE
“We're going to be in trouble when the real monsters show up.” -- Velveeta Swaye-Freud, Psy.D.
STEELER FANS WHO SAID LOSS TO DENVER 'ISN'T THE END OF THE WORLD' MAY BE INCORRECT
Scientists note sudden drop in sun's temperature
BUSH UNVEILS NEW PLAN TO SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY
President calls all Americans to earn more money and increase their saving by 500%
MIKE TOMLIN'S LIBERAL NEIGHBORS ON SHADY AVENUE BURN CROSSES IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE
"Black? No, we never even noticed he's black," said one neighbor, a Democratic ward leader. "This is what we do to coaches who out-think themselves and pass when they ought to run."
Ravenstahl Announces Creation Of New Authority
"Government Emporium Authority" (GEA) To Serve Hill District
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl acted with lightening speed in response to Hill District resident Cliff Christian's request for the government to provide a grocery store for his crime-ridden, crack-choked, nobody-in-their-right-mind-would-invest-a dime-there neighborhood.
"Myself, I thought if we have the SEA (Sports & Exhibition Authority), why not the GEA? I mean we take people's tax dollars against their wishes and funnel them into the pockets of our wealthy sports team owners. So why not force taxpayers to underwrite another losing proposition, but this time for people who really need it?"
In a somewhat related matter, Ravenstahl criticized recent attempts by the New York based Guardian Angels to set up shop in the Hill District.
"Myself, I think it's real rude of these outsiders to just barge in, uninvited, and make our streets safer," the mayor bristled. "That would prompt private-sector business growth in The Hill which would put the GEA at a disadvantage. And as I've made it perfectly clear from the very first days of my 'fresh leadership' administration, I steadfastly appose any private-sector participation in anything that could be run by the government instead."
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl acted with lightening speed in response to Hill District resident Cliff Christian's request for the government to provide a grocery store for his crime-ridden, crack-choked, nobody-in-their-right-mind-would-invest-a dime-there neighborhood."Myself, I thought if we have the SEA (Sports & Exhibition Authority), why not the GEA? I mean we take people's tax dollars against their wishes and funnel them into the pockets of our wealthy sports team owners. So why not force taxpayers to underwrite another losing proposition, but this time for people who really need it?"
In a somewhat related matter, Ravenstahl criticized recent attempts by the New York based Guardian Angels to set up shop in the Hill District.
"Myself, I think it's real rude of these outsiders to just barge in, uninvited, and make our streets safer," the mayor bristled. "That would prompt private-sector business growth in The Hill which would put the GEA at a disadvantage. And as I've made it perfectly clear from the very first days of my 'fresh leadership' administration, I steadfastly appose any private-sector participation in anything that could be run by the government instead."
MORE SCENES FROM THE MAYORAL DEBATE
Ravenstahl Chief of Staff Yarone Zober watches from behind the teleprompter
Moderator Sally Wiggin receives medical attention from paramedics at the scene; the WTAE anchor complained of headaches and wooziness after the Mayor's third reference to his "structurally balanced budget"
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