STEELERS SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT WHETHER FANS "WILL BE ABLE TO TELL"
BALD SPOTS AT HEINZ FIELD TO GET HAIR PLUGS
STEELERS SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT WHETHER FANS "WILL BE ABLE TO TELL"
RODNEY KING CALLS POLICE TO REPORT HE WAS SHOT; L.A. COPS SUMMON PITTSURGH OFFICERS ACCUSED OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TO HELP BEAT HIM AGAIN
LOS ANGELES - Rodney King whose videotaped beating once made him an international symbol of police brutality, summoned officers to his home last night to report he had been shot. This was the first opportunity the police had to be with King since the beating incident in 1992, and they were adamant not to waste it.
"We knew this might be our last shot at him," said Sgt. Joe Friday. "I personally wanted to knock his teeth in."
Stung by criticism from the law enforcement community that King's last beating had been botched, Sgt. Friday flew in Pittsburgh Police officers accused of committing domestic violence to supervise the thrashing.
MONSTER EVENT TONIGHT: 'The Concert For New Orleans' at Altar Bar in the Strip District
Alan Faneca and the great Randy Baumann of DVE's Morning Show have put together a concert to benefit New Orleans, this Thursday night: "The Concert For New Orleans" at Altar Bar in the Strip District. Dr. John, Rebirth Brass Band, and Terrance Simien will all perform live and there will be a full menu of Cajun cuisine staples available. Tickets are $150 for VIP (include OPEN bar and buffet) and $50 for general admission (cash bar, food a la carte). Please help a worthy cause and have a great time.
CURIOUS GEORGE THE MONKEY IS BEHEADED
His curiosity got the better of him when he stuck his head in an open elevator shaft
FIRST YEAR LAW STUDENT AMBER GREY, 22, INSISTS ON BEING CALLED 'A PIONEER FOR WOMEN'
PITTSBURGH - Amber Grey, 22, first year student at the University of Pittsburgh School of Law, returned to her alma mater high school yesterday, St. Elizabeth's in Pleasant Hills, to address the senior girls on career day. Although women comprise 70% of Amber's law school class, Amber insisted that the high school girls refer to her as a "pioneer" for all women in the legal profession.
"Every day in the legal profession is a struggle for women," Amber tearfully told the girls. "Surrounded by men, the odds are heavily stacked against us. I push ahead not for me alone, but as a pioneer for you, the next generation. You will have it much easier because of the path I've cleared for you."
The girls exchanged empty stares until one student asked Amber how she could call herself a "pioneer" when most law students are women, and women now achieve greater success in law school than men and generally are paid better upon graduation.
Amber responded to a different question. "Do you know how it feels to walk into a class of 50 students knowing there will be 15 males in there just waiting for an opportunity to subjugate and oppress you? That's fifteen penises waiting for an opportunity to rape you. You're damn right I'm a pioneer, and you all should be thankful to me."
At that, Mrs. Saltzman, the school's guidance counselor, thanked Amber for attending and told the class "we've run out of time." As Amber departed the classroom, one young woman called after her, "Amber, I appreciate what you're doing for us. I mean, how difficut must it be to get a date with so few men in the class!"
MORE TROUBLE FOR GERMAN SOLDIERS WHO PHOTOGRAPHED SELVES ABUSING CORPES IN AFGHANISTAN
Woman files suit claiming: "Hey, that's my skull he's ejaculating on!"
CITY COUNCIL SOLICITING IDEAS ON HOW TO SPEND MONEY
"Once we get rid of the state oversight board, we want to get back to doing what we do best.” -- Doug Shields, Council President
STEELERS SCRAP NATIONAL ANTHEM BEFORE MONDAY NIGHT'S GAME, NEXT TO GO: THE AMERICAN FLAG
PITTSBURGH - The Steelers revealed that the team's patriarch Dan Rooney personally ordered the cancellation of the singing the Star Spangled Banner before Monday night's game, and that Mr. Rooney has ordered that the American flag will no longer fly at Heinz Field."From now on, I don't want to hear anyone at Heinz Field utter the words, 'United States of America,'" said Rooney. "The Steelers are their own nation, and on our field, we do not recognize the sovereignty of any other nation, including the one whose name is no longer permitted to be mentioned," he explained.
THE ROONEYS PROMISE TO SPARE NO EXPENSE TO DRY OUT FIELD FOR SUNDAY'S GAME
Mrs. Rooney will personally blow dry every inch of it
GAME COMMISSION RELEASES HARVEST FIGURES FOR FIRST DAY OF DEER SEASON
State’s hunters shot 5,000 buck, 7,000 doe, 1,347 trees, 237 road signs, 58 pick-up trucks, 26 outhouses, the broadsides of 13 barns, 9 hunters, 6 game wardens, 4 dogs, 2 large rabbits, and a partridge in a pear tree
CHENEY GETS NEW BATTERY IN DEVICE THAT MAKES IT APPEAR HE HAS HEART
PRESIDENT BUSH TEMPORARILY ASSUMES PRESIDENTIAL POWERS
MIAMI DOLPHINS HAD NO PROBLEM WITH HEINZ FIELD TURF
“We’re accustomed to playing in the Everglades. It was like a home game to us.” Joey Porter, Miami Linebacker
LOCAL MAN REALIZES WHAT'S BEEN MISSING FROM HIS LIFE: A SOUNDTRACK
PITTSBURGH - All his life, Noah Swayne, 22, could never tell how he was supposed to feel about or react to any given situation, and now he knows why. "It was, like, obvious, dude, but for 22 years I didn't realize it," said Swayne. "There's no soundtrack in the background. No matter what happens to me, I can never be totally sure if it's exciting or sad or scary or what."
Swayne realized what was missing last weekend when he took his girlfriend to see Beowulf. "I knew exactly how I was supposed to feel, because the music told me," he explained. "Hell, if it weren't for the music swelling in the background, who would have realized Indiana Jones' life was so exciting or that Elliott was sad when ET left him?"
Swayne is finally doing something about it. He wrote to iconic movie composer John Williams and asked him to write a Noah Swayne theme song. "I gave Mr. Williams some details about my life he can use to create an appropriate theme, you know, like when they took the paper route away from me because Mrs. Manion claimed I exposed myself to her daughter; and when me and Jimmy Modesta invented the time machine -- and it actually worked, briefly; and how my sister accused me of, like, doing something to her but it was totally consensual." To date, Williams has not responded, but Swayne points out "he's a very, very busy man. It, like, takes a lot of time to write all those notes on the music paper and everything."
EMPIRE CARPET INSTALLS NEW SURFACE AT HEINZ FIELD, NO PAYMENTS FOR STEELERS UNTIL 2009
“Shop at home service, factory prices, next day installation and no payments until 2009. Call us today!” Jerome Empire, Empire Carpets
MAYOR DENIES USING CITY COMPUTER TO SHOP FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
"Myself and Yarone were just checking our fantasy stats," Ravenstahl explained.
Mayor Hits On Plan To Put Cops Charged With Domestic Abuse Back On Streets With Guns
Officers may only carry one bullet and must keep it in their pockets. "Myself, I think this is a great compromise between those picky women's groups and a poor cop who probably just had a bad day," Ravenstahl said.
CYBER MONDAY MARRED BY FRAUD, IDENTITY THEFT, ESCAPED REPLICANTS
"All they wanted were the same presents the rest of us want," said retired FBI Agent Rick Deckard. "All I could do was sit there and watch them hack."
MANY PRIVATE SCHOOLS NOW SEPARATING CLASSES BY GENDER
"We've found, for example," said St. Bede's Headmaster Ron Vassel, "that girls don't respond nearly as well as boys when hot female teachers sit on their desks and show some cleavage."
BETHEL PARK LEGALIZES SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH DEER CARCASSES
BETHEL PARK, Pa. - Bethel Park repealed its ordinance outlawing sexual relations with deer carcasses last week, and local merchants can't get enough of the dead animals to satisfy consumer demand. "They're flying off the shelves," said Bradleys Roadhouse, manager of Bethel Park's Wal-Mart. "Well, not literally flying, because they're dead, but right now they're our top seller."
Mayor Julius Marx said that the new law simply articulates what has long been a common practice in Bethel Park. "Every year at this time, there are many Bethel Park men making doe eyes at the deer, so we figured we might as well make it legal."
But it isn't just Bethel Park citizens who are benefiting from the new law. Noah Swayne, 20, and his cousin Jed Swayne, 19, of Chambersburg, West Virgina, made the long trek from home to wait in line at Bethel Park's Wal-Mart for four hours. They bought the last carcass in the store. Their younger wives, waiting for the boys in the pick-up truck, said they don't object to their husbands engaging in an inter-species threesome.
"This is definitely one area where Pennsylvania is way, way ahead of West Virginia," said Noah Swayne.
INVENTOR OF FIVE-CATEGORY SYSTEM TO MEASURE HURRICANE STRENGTH HAS DIED
Herbert Saffir suffered a heart attack that doctors say was a Five.
NEW CARNEGIE DINOSAURS POSED IN "ANATOMICALLY CORRECT POSITIONS"
Blancocerosaurus exhibit draws huge crowds, some protests
Pittsburgh Zoo quietly suspends new practice of feeding live deer to polar bears
Pittsburgh Zoo President Barbara Baker commends her public relations staff for convincing the media that the deer entered the polar bear exhibit by accident. Baker also has also decided not to go forward with her plans to feed live puppies to the sharks.
CLASSMATES CALL 8-YEAR-OLD ACCUSED RAPIST 'A REAL PLAYER'
ACWORTH, Georgia - "Promiscuous." That's the word that repeatedly comes up when Brett Swayne's third grade classmates at Gus Grissom Elementary School are asked to describe him. Swayne, 8, is one of three boys accused of raping an 11-year-old girl last week in this normally sleepy town.The boys are accused of forcing the girl into a litter-strewn wooded area behind the housing complex where they lived. She said she was threatened with a rock, and that one of the boys raped her, according to Acworth Police Chief Mike Wilkie. Chief Wilkie confirmed that the investigation has targeted young Swayne as the ringleader of the rapists.
"Brett is a real player, there's no other way to describe him," said Amber Grey, 8, who sits directly in front of Brett in reading class. "Actually, I guess there are other ways to describe him: lady killer, philanderer, playboy, man-whore . . . ." Grey said that tales of Master Swayne's manhood are legendary in the third grade. "It's supposed to be the biggest in the class, and that's saying a lot."
Brett told a reporter he "welcomes" the rape charge as an opportunity to enhance his reputation at school, despite the fact that he is too young either to ejaculate or to sustain an erection. Brett asked this reporter not to "get into the fact that it would be physically impossible" for him to have committed rape.
The girl who accused the boys has no other evidence to support her claim, but Chief Wilkie explained that the boys are being charged because females are biologically incapable of lying about rape. The girl's mother admitted that the girl is "a chronic liar" about every other subject, but "the minute she said she was raped, of course I believed her." So powerful is the female urge to speak the truth about all things concerning rape that while police were questioning the girl about the incident, the girl's mother asked police to sprinkle the interrogation with a few questions about other matters, including, "Did you steal $50 from your mother?" And, "Did you cheat on your math test?" The mother said she hoped the truth would "rub off" on these other areas.
The girl's name is being withheld by police, but the girl's mother, Crystal Gail Mangum, achieved fame last year as the stripper who falsely accused three Duke University lacrosse players of rape.
MARIO THREATENS TO MOVE TEAM UNLESS PENGUINS START WINNING
"Relax, Sid, this ploy works every time . . . . The politicians will cave, and we'll be in first place in no time."
‘ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT’ TO STREAM OSMOND FAMILY NEWS 24 HOURS A DAY
“We tried this with Anna Nicole Smith, but we could milk her death for only so long,” executive producer says
HOLLYWOOD - Celebrity news program Entertainment Tonight will begin a new 24-hour channel devoted exclusively to Osmond Family news beginning December 1. Executive Producer Noah Swayne and fifty assorted Osmond family members made the announcement today in Hollywood.
HOLLYWOOD - Celebrity news program Entertainment Tonight will begin a new 24-hour channel devoted exclusively to Osmond Family news beginning December 1. Executive Producer Noah Swayne and fifty assorted Osmond family members made the announcement today in Hollywood.
“We’re already devoting 95% of our daily program to the Osmond family, so it won’t be that big a change for us,” executive producer Noah Swayne said today. “There’s so much material we can use for round-the-clock programming. There’s the nostalgia angle, where we’ll show clips from the old ‘Donny and Marie Show.’ We can cover the family’s upcoming reunion tour in excruciating detail. And Marie’s a whole program in and of herself, with her dancing, her passing out, her divorces and eight kids, and the son in rehab.”
With the change, Donny Osmond will be promoted from an ET special correspondent to full-time correspondent. “This will be a challenge for Donny, since he will have to balance being an Osmond with being a reporter,” Swayne said. “But we trust he will uphold the very high journalistic standards we have here at Entertainment Tonight.”
Swayne is confident that the 24-hour format will work. “We first tried the format with Anna Nicole, but once she died we didn’t have a lot to work with, even with Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead and the baby still around. The great thing about the Osmonds is, if any one of them goes down for any reason, there are still about 120 left.”
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