LOCAL MAN'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION CALLS FOR 'FAR LESS' RAIN
PITTSBURGH - Local outdoorsman and bon vivant Noah Swayne, 38, has successfully achieved his New Year's resolutions for seven consecutive years, including giving up chewing tobacco, losing weight and adopting an exercise routine. This year he says he's going after "the big one."
"We get way too much rain in Pittsburgh," said Swayne. "It needs to stop."
Swayne's New Year's resolution is to reduce the rainy days in Pittsburgh by 50%. "I know the farmers aren't going to be happy with me," he said sheepishly, "but damn it, somebody's got to take a stand." Swayne says if he achieves this resolution, "next year I'm going to do something about Iraq."
'UMBRELLA MAN' FROM JFK ASSASSINATION SPOTTED AT BHUTTO SHOOTING
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Louie Steven Wilt, the umbrella-wielding bystander at the assassination of President John F. Kennedy who some conspiracy theorists believe was part of a plot to murder the president, was spotted in the crowd at the assassination of Pakistan opposition leader Benizir Bhutto.Video of the Bhutto murder shows Wilt several feet from Bhutto's armoured car immediately before she was shot. Wilt opened and waved an umbrella in Bhutto's direction, and Bhutto can be seen turning toward him and mouthing, "Oh, no, it's Umbrella Man." Then the fatal gunfire erupted.
Wilt, dubbed "Umbrella Man" because he opened and waved an umbrella several feet away from Kennedy's motorcade in Dallas just seconds before the President was shot on November 22, 1963, has been accused by some of sending secret signals with his umbrella to the JFK shooters. Moments after the President's motorcade sped away, photographs show Wilt casually sitting on a curb of the grassy knoll, above.
Wilt denied any connection with the Bhutto shooting, claiming it "was all just a crazy mix-up," and that he was in Pakistan "for fun and relaxation, not to murder anyone. I'm at the point that I hate leaving the house when it rains for fear of creating a panic when I open my umbrella," he said.
BAR OWNERS DROP LEGAL FIGHT OVER DRINK TAX, SAY THEY'LL OFFER UP THEIR PAIN FOR THE SUFFERING SOULS IN PURGATORY
"We felt very guilty about all the fuss we were making about the tax once we stopped and thought about the souls in purgatory," said one downtown bar owner
ALLEGHENY COUNTY RESTAURANTS REFUSE TO SERVE JUDGE O'BRIEN, DAN ONORATO
10% drink tax takes effect Tuesday
BHUTTO DIED BY BANGING HEAD ON CAR'S SUNROOF FOLLOWING AL-QAEDA GUNFIRE
Secret Service seeks to avoid copycat incident with Bush, will keep him away from sunroofs
LEE HARVEY OSWALD CALLS EMERGENCY NEWS CONFERENCE TO BLAST 'COWARDLY' BHUTTO KILLER
Oswald says that assassin, who blew self up after killing ex-Prime Minister, "had no self respect"
JACK RUBY CHIMES IN, CONDEMNS BHUTTO KILLER AS 'COWARD'
Pundits applaud rare showing of solidarity between Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald
BUSH NOMINATES BILL BELICHICK TO BE THE NEXT ATTORNEY GENERAL
"I like a man who believes that rules need 'interpretation,'" the President said. "Someone who isn't squeamish about a little unauthorized surveillance. Bill's just the kind of guy we need at the Justice Department."
WEST VIRGINIANS RIOT BHUTTO MURDER
Protestors say this "may be" the last opportunity of the year to burn couches
BUSH VISITS EYE DOCTOR WITH RARE VISION CONDITION
Even his hindsight is not 20/20
Respected Ophthalmologist Dr. Vincent Altieri briefed the press today on the results of President Bush's recent eye examination. Clearly dismayed by the results, Altieri said he's never seen anything quite like it.
"In all my years of practice, every patient I've treated has had perfect 20/20 vision, at least in hindsight. But the President is unable to see clearly, even when looking back."
The exam was scheduled after Bush complained that he was not able to see what almost everyone else in the country is able to discern regarding events such as the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and the scandals at the Justice Department.
“I clearly presented the facts to the President in 100-point black type on a white background. But, surprisingly, he wasn’t able to distinguish even the most widely-accepted views on these issues, out of either eye,” Altieri said.
Although another round of vision tests is scheduled, Altieri admitted that the president’s hindsight issues may not be the result of any problems with his eyes, but perhaps hint at a more serious neurological disorder.
"In all my years of practice, every patient I've treated has had perfect 20/20 vision, at least in hindsight. But the President is unable to see clearly, even when looking back."
The exam was scheduled after Bush complained that he was not able to see what almost everyone else in the country is able to discern regarding events such as the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and the scandals at the Justice Department.
“I clearly presented the facts to the President in 100-point black type on a white background. But, surprisingly, he wasn’t able to distinguish even the most widely-accepted views on these issues, out of either eye,” Altieri said.
Although another round of vision tests is scheduled, Altieri admitted that the president’s hindsight issues may not be the result of any problems with his eyes, but perhaps hint at a more serious neurological disorder.
EMPLOYEE CONVINCES BOSS THAT STAPH INFECTIONS ORIGINATE IN STAFF MEETINGS
PITTSBURGH - Bradleys Roadhouse, controller for downtown law firm Murray & Haas, has found a way to eliminate "useless" staff meetings. Roadhouse convinced his boss, old man Haas, that the deadly staph infection originates in staph meetings.
"I was shocked," said Haas. "So until they get this staph infection thing under control, there will be no more staff meetings."
TIGER ESCAPES FROM SAN FRANCISCO ZOO; MAYOR RAVENSTAHL VOLUNTEERS TO HELP CATCH IT
"It's his lifelong dream to catch one, and he should be credited for that," said Alecia Sirk, the mayor's press secretary.
Ravenstahl Warns City Council: "UPMC Tax Credit Crucial To Economic Revitalization Plan For City"
"Myself, I think we absolutely must give UMPC their tax breaks," Mayor Ravenstahl admonished City Council. "Sure, at the end of the day it will leave a divot -- rather, a hole in the budget. But that shortfall will be made up by new businesses and suburbanites who will move to the city because of The Pittsburgh Promise. Sure, many of those businesses will get TIFs and many new homeowners will have 10-yr property tax abatements, but that shortfall will be made up by the extra taxes generated by the new casino and the hockey arena. Sure, those tax dollars have already been promised for neighborhood development, but we can easily make up that shortfall by the extra garbage we're picking up in Wilkinsburg. True, the Wilkinsburg garbage contract is break-even at best. To be honest, it might even be a little short. But what we lose in per-pound profits, we can certainly make up in volume….."
PACKERS LINEBACKER NICK BARNETT ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH ON PRETZEL
Lucky for Barnett, Dr. Henry Heimlich is an NFL referee, and he happened to be assigned to cover the game.
PATRIOTS' WIVES, GIRLFRIENDS LEAVE THEIR 'PERFECT BUT BORING' MEN
In the past several weeks, the wives and girlfriends of virtually every player on the New England Patriots have left their men. The women all gave the same reason: the boys are perfect on the field and in the bedroom, but they're as boring as hell."They've lost their mystique," said Gisele Bündchen, Tom Brady's ex-girlfriend who moved out last week, echoing a common sentiment. "Tom goes through the same routines night after night, like a trained parrot. He never fumbles, always hits his mark, executes perfectly. The first time you experience it, you think it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to you -- perfect, as a matter of fact. But 'perfect' over and over is predictable and dull."
Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, Troy Brown and other Patriots complain their women dumped them even though they've been perfect husbands or boyfriends. Laurence Maroney lamented that his wife left him even though "every night I blasted through a gaping hole and made a pefect run into the end zone. Sure, there wasn't much variety, but that's the price of perfection."
The ladies are unanimous in blaming Bill Bellichick, the Patriots' coach, for turning the boys into "robots." Bündchen revealed that she found Bellichick's "Official Patriots' Bedroom Playbook" in Tom Brady's underwear drawer several weeks ago. She concedes the plays are ingenious. "It made the Kama Sutra look like a children's book." But when she realized that Brady has been following the book to the letter, that's when she decided enough was enough.
"I guess it's back to the drawing board," Bellichick sighed. "Give me a week and I'll come up with some unpredictable plays so the women won't think the guys are so perfect."
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
On behalf of the 2,500 employees of The Carbolic Smoke Ball, we wish you a Merry Christmas. If you do not celebrate this holiday, kindly go about your normal business.The Honorable Rufus Peckham
SANTA’S MISTRESS TELLS ALL IN NEW BOOK: 'MY NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS'
HAMMERFEST, Norway – Puffing away on unfiltered cigarettes and speaking through an interpreter, Gunnhild Lugosi-Swayne described her 150-year affair with Santa Claus for the first time in public.
“At first, he was a little off-putting, being so fat and all,” she explained, “But, seeing him out of that red suit -- let’s just say the stockings weren’t the only things well-hung by the chimney with care.”
Lugosi-Swayne’s remote cabin, fifteen miles north of the Hammerfest, the world’s northern most town, has become Santa’s traditional “last stop” on Christmas Eve.
“Every year, I look forward to him taking out his sack and showing me his package,” Lugosi-Swayne said with her eyes all a glow, “After our gift exchange, we snack on the milk and cookies that he picks up along his route."
“At first, he was a little off-putting, being so fat and all,” she explained, “But, seeing him out of that red suit -- let’s just say the stockings weren’t the only things well-hung by the chimney with care.”
Lugosi-Swayne’s remote cabin, fifteen miles north of the Hammerfest, the world’s northern most town, has become Santa’s traditional “last stop” on Christmas Eve.
“Every year, I look forward to him taking out his sack and showing me his package,” Lugosi-Swayne said with her eyes all a glow, “After our gift exchange, we snack on the milk and cookies that he picks up along his route."
Asked if she is concerned about Mrs. Claus learning about the affair, Lugosi-Swayne chuckled, “I suppose you think all she does is bake cookies. Thousands of elves to take care of, one women -- you do the math.”
POLICE ON LOOKOUT FOR HOLIDAY CHILD PREDATOR
PITTSBURGH - Police are on the lookout for a holiday predator wearing an old silk hat who lures children to follow him down to the village by dancing around through the streets of town. He is described as a very white male with a corncob pipe, a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. Authorities warn that the predator is armed with a broomstick in his hand. He was last seen running here and there and all around the square, saying "catch me if you can." Police lost his trail when he seemingly melted away while taunting his pursuers that he'll be back again one day.
Police are asking for any information regarding suspicious persons matching the predator's description.
SANTA CLAUS SERIOUSLY INJURED IN ELECTRIC RAZOR ACCIDENT, POLICE SAY MOBILE NORELCO WAS TRAVELING TOO FAST FOR CONDITIONS
NORTH POLE - Santa Claus, jolly head of an Upper-Arctic toy and novelty empire, was seriously injured yesterday when the Norelco Razor he was riding collided with a pine tree. Police said the force of the collision threw Mr. Claus nearly twenty yards from the razor. He was found, unconscious, in a snow bank. Authorities said Mr. Claus was not wearing a seat belt. Police found an empty bottle of scotch and a loaded revolver inside the glove compartment of the razor. Mr. Claus was put in an immobilizer, placed on a stretcher, and taken by helicopter to North Pole Suburban General. The results of toxicology tests were unavailable at press time. Mr. Claus remains in critical condition. Sources within the Claus organization said Mr. Claus loved the thrill of gliding his custom-made mobile Norelco over snow and ice-covered hills. "Santa was in love with speed," said one elf, who wished to remain anonymous. "He loved to roar down the mountain and watch the animals scatter," he said. "I can't tell you how many times he came home with deer impaled on one of the razor's three smooth acting blades."
Despite his close shave with death, Santa is expected to make a full recovery by Christmas.
SANTA TO DECIDE BY END OF CHRISTMAS SEASON IF HE’S COMING BACK NEXT YEAR
RETIREMENT HOME IN NORTH CAROLINA, PROFESSIONAL BURN-OUT LIKELY REASONS HE’D CALL IT QUITS
WORLD-CLASS CELLIST FORCED TO PERFORM “FROSTY THE SNOWMAN” FOR FOOD COURT CROWD
PITTSBURGH - Although he’s trained for years with some of the world’s great orchestras, cellist Michael Oldaker was compelled to performed today for the Fifth Avenue Place food court as part of the Pittsburgh Symphony’s community outreach program.
“I’m so humiliated,” said Oldaker. “I’ve spent years practicing the works of Bach, Mozart and Brahms. And here I am. Right next to Hot Diggity Dog playing ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ on my cello! I’ve had it! This isn’t a parlor trick I’m doing here!” Oldaker did concede, however, that this performance wasn’t as bad as last year when he had to play “Rock and Roll, Part 2” outside of Mellon Arena before a Penguins game.
"I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day - and one of them collided with the submarine at the Science Center -"
". . . causing it to sink, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day, leaving fourteen people dead, and closing the submarine for three months . . . ."
LOCAL MAN SAYS WINTER SOLSTICE ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE
PITTSBURGH - Carlo Sambonia is livid that the first day of winter tomorrow is predicted to feel more like October, with high temperatures in the 50's. The popular 33-year old outdoorsman and bon vivant is spearheading a petition drive to express his "extreme and palpable displeasure that the winter solstice isn't what it used to be." His goal is to obtain 40,000 signatures. Sambonia is especially concerned that the younger generation is not properly educated about what winter used to be. "I tell every young person I come across, 'You should have seen the winter solstice in the old days!'" Sambonia explained. "Back then, winter came roaring in like thunder, and it would hit us kids like a wall of frigid bliss. Snow every day, sled riding every day, skating every day. Winter meant something back then!"
Sambonia said it is his wish that high temperatures in early winter be in the low '30's.
PHARMACEUTICALS BUYING UP AD SPACE ON PATIENTS' GENITALS
NEW YORK - The world-wide publicity generated by a photo of a patient's tattooed genitalia snapped by a surgeon during an operation has prompted drug giant Pfizer to realize it is missing out on a valuable medium to advertise to doctors."After years of spending millions of dollars on ads in medical journals and 60-second TV spots, we've concluded we get zero bang for our buck," said Bradleys Roadhouse, spokesman for Pfizer. "To get the doctors' attention, we need to get our name on penises."
Pfizer joins GlaxoSmithKline, Hoffman-LaRoche and Wyeth in doing direct-to-physician penis advertising.
Pfizer had been hesitant about jumping on the penis bandwagon but was pushed over the edge by the buzz created when the Mayo Clinic's Dr. Adam Hansen admitted taking a photo of a patient's penis with a tattoo that reads "Hot Rod" and showing it around to other doctors. The incident created an international sensation.
Pfizer would not reveal what it plans to pay the men who advertise for it but noted that "obviously the more media space we buy, the greater the value to us. In other words, sorry, guys, size matters."
Pfizer had been hesitant about jumping on the penis bandwagon but was pushed over the edge by the buzz created when the Mayo Clinic's Dr. Adam Hansen admitted taking a photo of a patient's penis with a tattoo that reads "Hot Rod" and showing it around to other doctors. The incident created an international sensation.
Pfizer would not reveal what it plans to pay the men who advertise for it but noted that "obviously the more media space we buy, the greater the value to us. In other words, sorry, guys, size matters."
SPOOF: CHARITY GIVES HOUSE TO WOUNDED SOLDER AND FAMILY, FAMILY FRAUDULENTLY ACCUSES HIM OF 'DOMESTIC ABUSE' AND HAS HIM EVICTED
For those persons who may have misinterpreted the following story as “real news,” it is a spoof, not real news. The subject of the real news story was not "evicted" from his home, no one made up claims about him. Carbolic Smoke Ball applauds him and and his family for their sacrifice.
Early yesterday, Darlene Dufar wiped tears from her eyes after her family, including Army medic Cpl. Karl Dufar and daughters Carla, 9, and Martha, 19, was presented with a new home in West Mifflin. The Hope Lives Foundation selected the Dufars to receive the refurbished, refinished home because of Cpl. Dufar's service in Iraq, where he suffered back injuries.
Three hours later, mother and daughters fraudulently alleged that Cpl. Dufar domestically abused them so they could have the house for themselves, and police escorted him from the premises to the Allegheny County Jail.
Early yesterday, Darlene Dufar wiped tears from her eyes after her family, including Army medic Cpl. Karl Dufar and daughters Carla, 9, and Martha, 19, was presented with a new home in West Mifflin. The Hope Lives Foundation selected the Dufars to receive the refurbished, refinished home because of Cpl. Dufar's service in Iraq, where he suffered back injuries.
Three hours later, mother and daughters fraudulently alleged that Cpl. Dufar domestically abused them so they could have the house for themselves, and police escorted him from the premises to the Allegheny County Jail.
ALVIN FOUND DEAD IN LONDON HOTEL ROOM, CHIPMUNKS CANCEL REMAINDER OF EUROPEAN TOUR
LONDON - Alvin, the so-called “cute” Chipmunk, was found dead in his London hotel room this morning following a night of debauchery with his German girlfriend. According to toxicology reports released by Alvin’s personal veterinarian, the singing rodent died in his bed after consuming a massive quantity of wine and nine Vesperax sleeping pills.
A representative for Mr. David Seville, manager of the beloved group, issued the following statement: “It is believed that Alvin most likely choked to death on his own vomit. Or, perhaps it was an acorn.”
The two surviving members of the Chipmunks were unavailable for comment. Several weeks ago, at the conclusion of the first leg of a concert tour through the British Isles, Simon and Theodore left for India to study transcendental meditation with the Maharashi. Mr. Seville’s publicist said they had been informed, and were in shock.
Around the world, grieving fans poured into streets carrying candles and placards in spontaneous celebrations of the life and career of the dulcet-toned woodland creature that captivated audiences for over forty years. The Chipmunk’s sold-out Christmas show at the Royal Albert Hall scheduled for tomorrow evening has been canceled.
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