Through a translator, the alien explained that Wecht wrote threatening letters to TriFlugor-Rydny, the Imperial Ruler of his home planet, Planet Xenon, accusing him of anti-Semitism after Xenon failed to pay Wecht's invoice stemming from Wecht's work on the "Alien Autopsy" show.
Court watchers were stunned to see the Alien in court, since Planet Xenon is approximately 110 light years from earth.
9. Assume the kid deserved it
8. Locate child’s mother, be prepared to pay child support
7. Give child real reason to cry: Pirates season tickets
6. Assure child things could be worse: "Britney Spears could be your mom”
5. Distract child with news that Dick Cheney jumped into presidential race
4. Find hot woman to help
3. Offer to remove child from Pittsburgh Public Schools
2. Buy the kid something to shut him up, just like his parents would
1. Remind him that he’s the mayor
DR. PHIL TO MEDIATE DISAGREEMENT BETWEEN ROETHLISBERGER, WARD; QUARTERBACK, WIDE RECEIVER WILL RESOLVE DIFFERENCES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION
CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL ENDORSES ADLAI STEVENSON FOR PRESIDENT; LT. GOVERNOR SAYS COUNTRY CAN’T AFFORD FOUR MORE YEARS OF EISENHOWER
CHARLIZE THERON TO FILM MOVIE IN PITTSBURGH; SEXY STARLET SAYS SHE’S LOOKING FORWARD TO INSULTING CITY
PRESIDENT DECLARES 'WAR ON ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION' IN STATE OF UNION; SAYS AMERICAN MEN HAVE 'INALIENABLE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE AND DIE HARD'
REVIEW BY EX-DUKE LACROSSE STRIPPER CRYSTAL GAIL MANGUM - I went to see this show because of its historical importance. It tells the story of the first reported case of a rape allegation. The wife of Potiphar, a wealthy Egyptian, seduces white boy Joseph, who rebuffs her, so of course she accuses him of sexual assault. Good for you, Mrs. Potiphar! Everyone believes Mrs. Potiphar, as is only proper since Joseph is a white male, so he's thrown in prison, as is only proper, too. Mrs. Potiphar is never charged for filing a false rape claim, and that, too, is only proper. The white boy got what he deserved, of course, for reasons far too numerous to chronicle here. But that's all I can say about the show. I may not be the best one to review it since it features so many white boys, and I literally can't tell one apart from the rest. I'd be terrible if I had to pick one of them out of a line-up. Oh, disregard that last statement.
REVIEW BY LEGENDARY FORMER PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY CONDUCTOR FRITZ REINER - What is theeese?! Theese is not music! Theeese is an abomination! [Here Mr. Reiner hurled the computer keyboard at a wall.]
PRESIDENT IMPOSES TWENTY-FOUR HOUR BAN ON SPEARS COVERAGE; ASKS NATION TO FOCUS ON LIFE, DEATH OF ALLAN MELVIN
Onorato was spotted in back of a posh downtown steak house last night, rummaging through the trash for scraps.
Insiders say the gaunt County Executive could starve to death if the trend continues.
Onorato can’t understand the opposition to the tax. “Sure, at first people don’t like it, but it’s the only tax where the more people pay, the less they care.”