SURPRISE WITNESS AT WECHT TRIAL: THE ALIEN FROM 'ALIEN AUTOPSY'

PITTSBURGH - The alien from the Fox Network's old "Alien Autopsy" show, which featured expert commentary by Dr. Cyril Wecht, made a surprise appearance at the Wecht trial this afternoon to testify for the prosecution.

Through a translator, the alien explained that Wecht wrote threatening letters to TriFlugor-Rydny, the Imperial Ruler of his home planet, Planet Xenon, accusing him of anti-Semitism after Xenon failed to pay Wecht's invoice stemming from Wecht's work on the "Alien Autopsy" show.

Court watchers were stunned to see the Alien in court, since Planet Xenon is approximately 110 light years from earth.

Countdown: For Men -- If you saw an unattended child crying, what would you do?

10. Approach child to help, call Dateline NBC's Chris Hansen to turn self in

9. Assume the kid deserved it

8. Locate child’s mother, be prepared to pay child support

7. Give child real reason to cry: Pirates season tickets

6. Assure child things could be worse: "Britney Spears could be your mom”

5. Distract child with news that Dick Cheney jumped into presidential race

4. Find hot woman to help

3. Offer to remove child from Pittsburgh Public Schools

2. Buy the kid something to shut him up, just like his parents would

1. Remind him that he’s the mayor

DR. PHIL TO MEDIATE DISAGREEMENT BETWEEN ROETHLISBERGER, WARD; QUARTERBACK, WIDE RECEIVER WILL RESOLVE DIFFERENCES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION

HOLLYWOOD , California - Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward will attempt to “clear the air” between them in a prime-time television special hosted by Dr. Phil. The special will air on CBS next Wednesday.

The two teammates have engaged in a public spat ever since the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette published an interview with Roethlisberger following the conclusion of the Steelers season in which Big Ben put a “tall receiver” on his wish list for next season.

“I believe if I can get Ben and Hines to sit down and talk this thing out, with myself acting as an objective mediator, we can begin the process of healing,” said Dr. Phil. He added that he feels a great deal of pressure to ease the tension between both men because of their importance to the nation. “As long as the status of the relationship between the Steelers franchise quarterback and their Super Bowl MVP remains in doubt, our fragile national psyche remains at risk.”

Economists are divided over whether or not Dr. Phil’s intervention will be enough to keep America from plunging into depression, but Dr. Phil was adamant that he needed to try. He said he didn’t think it was a coincidence that only several days after Ward’s angry response to Roethlisberger’s remarks were made public, markets around the world tumbled. “The fortunes of this country are inexorably tied to the fortunes of the Steelers.”

JOHN EDWARDS CONSULTS MARY-KATE OLSEN, ENDS PRESIDENTAL BID

PRESIDENT BUSH DENIES EATING TWEETY BIRD

WASHINGTON - Beloved cartoon icon Tweety Bird died this afternoon when President Bush devoured him in front of hundreds of reporters as he strolled to a waiting helicoptor.

At 2:32 p.m., Tweety Bird approached the president to shake his hand as he strolled on the south lawn of the White House. Bush suddenly grabbed the well-known yellow bird with his right hand and forced him into his mouth, leaving nothing but a puff of yellow feathers. Shocked onlookers reported that the little bird let out a yelp as the President chewed him. Tweety was killed instantly.

When questioned, spokeswoman Dana Perino explained, "Everybody's been telling the president that there's no way his approval numbers could go lower. He hates to be told he can't do something, so this was the result."

AL GORE ANNOUNCES GLOBAL WARMING EMERGENCY, DECLARES SELF PRESIDENT FROM OVAL OFFICE

Clinton Bombshell: Obama Not Black After All

LOS ANGELES - Hillary Clinton held an impromptu news conference yesterday to announce that Barack Obama is not really African-American. "Senator Obama has deceived the American people, and the African-American community in particular," Mrs. Clinton said with tears streaming down her face.

The controversy started when hot studio lights at Tuesday night's debate appeared to melt dark theatrical makeup on Obama's face, which made his left ear to appear to be white.

"He's living a lie by allowing people to believe he could be our nation's second black president," sobbed Mrs. Clinton. "Of course, my husband Bill was the first."

COUNTY UNVEILS NEW CORONER VAN

WECHT TRIAL: PROSECUTION WITNESS RECANTS TESTIMONY

Star witness changes story after Wecht arrives in court accompanied by Frank Pentangeli's brother Vincenzo from Sicily

CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL ENDORSES ADLAI STEVENSON FOR PRESIDENT; LT. GOVERNOR SAYS COUNTRY CAN’T AFFORD FOUR MORE YEARS OF EISENHOWER

HARRISBURG - Only one week after Governor Ed Rendell endorsed New York Senator Hillary Clinton in the race for the Democratic nomination in this year’s presidential election, Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll threw the prestige of her office behind another candidate. Telling a crowd of reporters and voters assembled outside of her office “this country can no longer afford the do-nothing government of Dwight Eisenhower,” Lieutenant Governor Knoll said she was supporting Governor Adlai Stevenson in his bid for the White House. “He has done a fabulous job for the people of the state of Illinois , and he’ll do a fabulous job for the people of America,” said Knoll.

Aides who at tended the press conference appeared surprised at her announcement. Several staff members took her arms and attempted to move her away from the microphone towards an exit, but she refused to budge. “I know many of you were expecting me to offer my support to [New York Governor Averell] Harriman, and there were a few things I liked about Festus, too [an apparent reference to Tennessee Senator Estes Kefauver] but after giving the matter due consideration, I’m sticking with Adlai.”

When a reporter shouted that Governor Stevenson died in 1965, a defiant Lieutenant Governor shouted back, “My mind is made up.” Late yesterday, Governor Rendell’s office issued a press release explaining that the Lieutenant Governor was being sent on a fact-finding mission to the South Pole and would not return until hours before her term expires.

CHARLIZE THERON TO FILM MOVIE IN PITTSBURGH; SEXY STARLET SAYS SHE’S LOOKING FORWARD TO INSULTING CITY

PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Film Office announced that the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s novel “The Road,” starring Charlize Theron, will be partially filmed in Pittsburgh. A representative for Ms. Theron said the Academy Award winning actress was excited about the opportunity to insult the city where she will be working.

“Charlize said she can’t wait to get there. Her best friend Sienna Miller told her the only things uglier than Pittsburgh weather and Pittsburgh women are Pittsburgh children, and now she gets to see it all first-hand.”

Dawn Keezer, director of the Pittsburgh Film Office, said absorbing the criticisms of celebrities is something residents of depressed regions must endure if they want to become major players in the film industry. “Stars aren’t like most of us,” said Keezer. “They have no responsibility to consider the feelings of other people, or the possible, negative consequences when they say things that may be considered rude, or hurtful, to anyone other than themselves.”

Keezer added that this is standard language in every Hollywood contract. Theron’s co-star, actor Viggo Mortensen, vowed to make “his every day spent in the miserable hell-hole that is Pittsburgh a nightmare for everyone involved.” Mortensen made those remarks to a reporter for Variety on the set of his latest film, “Wunnerful, Wunnerful.” The movie, a bio-pic of bandleader Lawrence Welk, is currently in production in the town of Strasburg, North Dakota.

PRESIDENT DECLARES 'WAR ON ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION' IN STATE OF UNION; SAYS AMERICAN MEN HAVE 'INALIENABLE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE AND DIE HARD'

Washington , D.C. - President Bush asked Congress to authorize funding to wage a war on erectile dysfunction that will abolish the unpleasant, highly-sensitive condition by the year 2012.

“If we can put a man on the moon, we can make sure that every law-abiding, tax-paying male citizen of this great republic is able to use his penis for non-deviant, biblically-approved monogamous sexual relations with his spouse whenever he wants,” said the President.

After the President's address, spokeswoman Dana Perrino hastened to add that the President currently enjoys a robust sexual relationship with the first lady. “The President only became aware of the terrible scourge of erectile dysfunction when he was forced to endure over one-hundred commercials for Cialis during the first half of last Sunday’s NFC Championship game between the Green Bay Packers and New York Giants.” Cialis is a drug used to combat erectile dysfunction. When asked why he chose to make the eradication of this particular male sexual performance issue the thrust of his speech, Ms. Perrino paused before answering. “This is the President’s last State of the Union Address,” said Perrino. “I think he’d like to be remembered as a guy who went out with a bang.”

TED KENNEDY ENDORSES OBAMA

"If Hillary doesn't like it," the Massachusetts Senator said, "she can drive off a bridge"

'DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET YOUR BROTHERS TO ENDORSE ME?'

PROSECUTION CLAIMS WECHT USED GOPHERS AS DEPUTY CORONERS

PETA, SPCA announce plans to picket trial

Wecht trial: Feds claim cadavers regularly ran errands

CYRIL WECHT TO STAR IN NEXT 'INDIANA JONES' FLICK

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON WDVE'S MORNING SHOW . . .

CLICK HERE

THE REGION PREPARES FOR THE WECHT TRIAL

OBAMA WINS SOUTH CAROLINA BY PLAYING THE FACE CARD

OUR THREE CRITICS REVIEW 'JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT'

REVIEW BY GAY THEATER CRITIC PEREZ MARRIOTT - The Pittsburgh Musical Theatre's "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" at the Byham through February 3 offers two exquisite must-see features: (1) the fabulous dreamcoat itself which literally caused me to gasp aloud, and (2) David Toole, the college boy lead who plays much of the show shirtless, who literally caused me to gasp aloud. My Post-Gazette colleague Christopher Rawson wrote that young Mr. Toole "is an appealing Joseph, with a physique that got lots of appreciative squeals." That was me squealing, Mr. Rawson. In fact, I'm squealing every time I look at his picture. Eeeeeee! I really can't tell you what happened in the show because I was distracted for prolonged periods of time wondering if David's last name is apt. (David, contact me through Carbolic Smoke Ball -- I'd like to give you some, ah, pointers about your performance. Tee hee hee!)

REVIEW BY EX-DUKE LACROSSE STRIPPER CRYSTAL GAIL MANGUM - I went to see this show because of its historical importance. It tells the story of the first reported case of a rape allegation. The wife of Potiphar, a wealthy Egyptian, seduces white boy Joseph, who rebuffs her, so of course she accuses him of sexual assault. Good for you, Mrs. Potiphar! Everyone believes Mrs. Potiphar, as is only proper since Joseph is a white male, so he's thrown in prison, as is only proper, too. Mrs. Potiphar is never charged for filing a false rape claim, and that, too, is only proper. The white boy got what he deserved, of course, for reasons far too numerous to chronicle here. But that's all I can say about the show. I may not be the best one to review it since it features so many white boys, and I literally can't tell one apart from the rest. I'd be terrible if I had to pick one of them out of a line-up. Oh, disregard that last statement.

REVIEW BY LEGENDARY FORMER PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY CONDUCTOR FRITZ REINER - What is theeese?! Theese is not music! Theeese is an abomination! [Here Mr. Reiner hurled the computer keyboard at a wall.]

Kucinich exits presidential race

EVEN KKK VOTED FOR OBAMA IN SOUTH CAROLINA

Grand Dragon Chester Bisby spoke for the KKK of South Carolina: "There was no way we could vote for the wife of 'the first black president.' And as for Obama, well, he's really not that black."

ROETHLISBERGER CALLS FOR 'TALL RECEIVER'; WARD CALLS FOR 'SHORT QUARTERBACK'

Roethlisberger said he meant no offense by his comments about wanting a "tall receiver." He also said his comments about wanting offensive linemen who weren't overweight and could block, and a running back that didn't bounce back off the line of scrimmage, were taken "out of context."

Steelers receiver Hines Ward called for the team to draft "a shorter quarterback" to better work with the team's receivers. Noting that the "freakishly tall" Rothlisberger has no trouble shaking off tacklers like insects but that he has "trouble throwing to normal sized humans," Ward said that teams with "normal-sized" quarterbacks, like Indianapolis and New England, have more options in the red zone. "You don't hear them saying, 'slant to tiny across the middle,'" Ward explained.

ATTENDANCE DOWN AT PIRATEFEST THIS YEAR

Team announces plans for fireworks, bobblehead days at next year's event

OUTCRY OVER REDESIGNED TRAFFIC SIGN

Men's rights advocate asks, "Why do traffic signs always depict the male as the one holding the gun?"

DUE TO WRITER'S STRIKE, BUSH PLANS TO READ LAST YEAR'S SPEECH FOR STATE OF UNION ADDRESS

RODRIGUEZ SAYS HE LEFT WVU BECAUSE UNIVERSITY RENEGED ON VERBAL AGREEMENTS

Coach claims he was promised more money for his assistants, MBAs for all of his family members

PENGUINS ANXIOUSLY AWAIT NEXT SEASON'S OPENER IN SWEDEN

RAMBO GOES TO CAPITOL HILL; COMMITTEE HEARS TESTIMONY ON STEROID ABUSE IN ACTION HERO INDUSTRY

WASHINGTON, D.C. - John Rambo, veteran of three Hollywood films and two tours of duty in the Vietnam War, testified before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee today on the problem of steroids in the action hero industry. Because the Chairman felt his testimony was so important, the standard dress code was suspended. Mr. Rambo appeared before the Committee without a shirt. He wore only a bandanna and camouflage pants. He spoke for over four hours, delivering his monosyllabic answers in a low, guttural voice that seethed with rage.

The atmosphere inside the hearing room was tense. Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Maryland) scolded the musclebound loner, telling him “the American people have the right to know their action heroes are clean.” He went on to condemn what he called the abuse of performance enhancing stimulants by people who defeat entire armies by themselves, using only the weapons they can carry and the wits they have been given by God, and, in the process, sustaining only minor injuries, if any. “This defies belief.” He cited a current example. “Did you see what John McClane did in Live Free or Die Hard? He never would have been able to do those things in Die Hard: With a Vengeance [the sequel to Die Hard].”

Representative Cummings went on to say he suspects many older, white males looking to prolong their careers in the vigilante business may be tempted to take human growth hormone, or other banned substances. “We have a duty to see this type of thing doesn’t happen.”

CARBOLIC EXCLUSIVE PHOTO

Minority Leader John Boehner and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson look on as House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduces the new bipartisan stimulus package

HAPPIER TIMES

NEW NASA ROVER PHOTO SHOWS MYSTERIOUS FIGURE ON MARS

LOCAL MYSTIC HAS VISION OF HELL, INHABITANTS ARE ALL MALE

N.O.W. OPPOSES QUOTAS FOR WOMEN

Local mystic Noah Swayne experienced a “consciousness of a transcendent order” last night when he had a vivid and terrifying vision of hell. Swayne said that the most surprising aspect of the vision was that all the inhabitants of hell are male.

"Countless men, for as far as the eye could see, young men, old men, all writhing in pain and wailing,” said Swayne. “I asked them why they were there, and their answer surprised me, but then again it didn't: masturbation.”

Swayne said that one of hell’s gatekeepers confided that “there’s something wrong with the system" because of the gender disparity, and that hell's "‘powers that be’ are trying to get the Catholic Church, which sets the rules, to ease up on the self-gratification thing.”

The gatekeeper explained that hell is launching affirmative action programs to attract women, but that the National Organization for Women "is strictly opposed" to quotas.

PRESIDENT IMPOSES TWENTY-FOUR HOUR BAN ON SPEARS COVERAGE; ASKS NATION TO FOCUS ON LIFE, DEATH OF ALLAN MELVIN

Washington , D.C. - President Bush has designated this Friday as a day of mourning to celebrate the life of noted character actor Allan Melvin. Mr. Melvin, whom President Bush dubbed a “national treasure” while presenting him with a Kennedy Center Lifetime Achievement Award earlier this year, died at his Brentwood, California home last Saturday.

Mr. Melvin achieved international stardom for originating the roles of Barney Hefner, Sergeant Hacker, and Sam the Butcher. Mr. Melvin’s body will lie in state in the Smithsonian Institution’s Museum of Popular Culture for twenty-four hours beginning Thursday morning. The White House press office also announced that the President has invoked a seldom-used power provided by the Omnibus Celebrity Act of 1978 that allows the executive branch to impose strict bans on media coverage of celebrities at the discretion of the president.

“In the wake of Mr. Melvin’s untimely passing, I am ordering MTV, the E Channel, Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, and the Hollywood Insider to cease and desist publication, broadcast, or dissemination of any information regarding Brittney Spears, or, to a lesser extent, her fertile younger sister Jaime Lynne, for a period of twenty-four hours beginning at 12:01 a.m. Friday, so that the American people can give maximum attention to the memory of Allan Melvin.”

Attorneys for the aforementioned entertainment outlets filed an emergency appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court asking for review, but late yesterday Chief Justice Roberts issued an order denying their request.

FEDERAL RESERVE OVERREACTS AND CUTS INTEREST RATES TO NEGATIVE 3.5%

Chairman Ben Bernake says his latest action will pay people to borrow money. Bernake rejected the idea of “12 months same as cash” as too conservative. “All money must go!” he said. “No reasonable offer will be refused!”

WE JUST MISSED THE CUT: PITTSBURGH MAGAZINE EDITORS RANK CARBOLIC EDITORIAL STAFF 26th, 27th, 28th, and 29th MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN PITTSBURGH

CROSBY'S INJURY MAY BE MORE SERIOUS THAN PENS ARE SAYING

THIS MAN SAYS HE WILL CROSS THE PICKET LINE AND ATTEND THE OSCARS . . .

. . . and nobody better try to stop him.

IDAHO COMMEMORATIVE QUARTER DEPICTS SHRINE TO SEN. LARRY CRAIG

BERNANKE CUTS RATES, HAIR

Fed Chairman hopes to stave off fears of recession, comb-overs

ALIEN v. PREDATOR TOPS OSCAR BIDS; MONSTERS SAY THEY WILL APPEAR ON RED CARPET PRIOR TO CEREMONY

BEVERLY HILLS, California - Alien V. Predator: Requiem, the heartwarming, feel-good hit of the holiday season featuring two of Hollywood ’s best-loved homicidal creatures, received seven Academy Award nominations, including one for best picture. The announcements were made yesterday by actress Kathy Bates and the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Sid Ganis.

Both Alien and Predator were nominated for individual performances in the best actress and best actor category. The film also received nominations for best screenplay, best supporting actress (Dame Judi Dench), best original score (Philip Glass) and best director (Sir David Lean).

Reached at his Devonshire estate, where he is recovering from wounds sustained during the making of the film, Sir David was generous with praise for his two stars. “Both Alien and Predator are true professionals. They’re prepared. They’re on time. They do the work. They hit their spots every time. They remind me a lot of Spencer Tracy.”

Through their publicists, both Alien and Predator said they did not plan to honor the Screen Actors Guild request to boycott the so-called “red carpet” entrance to the auditorium where the show will be held. A spokesman for Alien said the monster would slaughter and devour the entire Screen Actors Guild if they attempted to revoke her membership.

This is the first nomination for Predator. This is the second nomination for Alien, who was nominated in 1980 for her work in Robert Benton’s heart-wrenching tale of divorce and single parenthood, Alien v. Alien.

RIP TAYLOR TAKES OVER HEATH LEDGER'S ROLE IN 'BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN II'

FOR FIRST TIME, CEDRICK WILSON THANKFUL HE'S NOT A BIG TARGET

ONORATO WASTING AWAY, RESTAURANTS REFUSE TO SERVE HIM

Restaurants and bars have banded together to refuse to serve Dan Onorato because they blame him for the drink tax. Grocers and private citizens are honoring the boycott.

Onorato was spotted in back of a posh downtown steak house last night, rummaging through the trash for scraps.

Insiders say the gaunt County Executive could starve to death if the trend continues.

Onorato can’t understand the opposition to the tax. “Sure, at first people don’t like it, but it’s the only tax where the more people pay, the less they care.”

NAZI CAMP GUARD APPEALS LOSS OF U.S. CITIZENSHIP; CLAIMS HE “KNOWS NOTHING” ABOUT WAR-TIME ATROCITIES

SHARON, Pa. - Hans Georg Schultz, who has worked as a roads inspector for PennDot since immigrating to Pennsylvania from Germany in 1956, is appealing an order stripping him of his citizenship for being a Nazi prison camp guard. The Third U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals will hear the case on March 3rd.

Mr. Schultz, who held the rank of Sergeant, is accused of participating in “acts of barbarism expressly prohibited by the Geneva Convention” during his time as second in command of Stalag Thirteen. “I know nothing about acts of barbarism,” said Mr. Schultz, before repeating the word ‘nothing’ in a loud voice for emphasis. He hastened to add that he knew nothing about Nazism, Adolph Hitler, Stalag Thirteen, or the highest ranking American officer held in the camp, Colonel Robert Hogan.

“I only know I have spent my entire life working to ensure that the people of this Commonwealth enjoy the finest roads in the nation.” However, Mr. Schultz declared that he “knew nothing” about potholes, the length of time needed to complete the Mon-Fayette Expressway, or the feasibility of tolling Interstate Eighty.

A spokesman for the U.S. attorney’s office involved in the prosecution of Mr. Schultz described the government’s case as airtight. “We have eyewitnesses who said they saw him beat a British POW named Newkirk to death with a shovel.” The spokesman expressed confidence that as soon as the prosecutors could get Schultz in a room with one of LeBeau’s homemade apple strudel, he would confess to everything.

BRADY STAYS COOL UNDER PRESSURE

Patriot’s quarterback keeps straight face as he calls the Giants “a big challenge for our team.”

PIRATES UNVEIL PLAN FOR NEW LATIN ACADEMY

Baseball facility's motto will be "Carpe Nauseum"