RADIO STATION APOLOGIZES FOR MORNING SHOW MIX-UP; DEE-JAYS CLAIM THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE INTERVIEWING PAULY SHORE, NOT DANIEL SCHORR
PITTSBURGH - Buckhead and Bubba, hosts of the B94 Morning Show, apologized to their listeners for what they called an “absolutely terrible interview” with reporter, commentator and NPR senior news analyst Daniel Schorr on last Friday’s show. The man they thought they were speaking to, actor Pauly Shore , never made it on the air. Pauly Shore was scheduled for five minutes during the eight o’clock hour to discuss his newest film, “Encino Man II: Back to Encino.” Instead, the two disc jockeys spent their time peppering Daniel Schorr with questions he was unprepared to answer. A spokesman for Mr. Schorr said he was particularly incensed by the pair's repeated insistence that he “had some inside scoop on Brendan Fraser.” Brendan Fraser was Mr. Shore’s co-star in the film “Encino Man. ” Mr. Schorr finally lost his temper, began shouting obscenities, and hung up the phone.
“We thought we were speaking to Pauly Shore , not this other Schorr guy,” the pair wrote in a posting on their web site. “We accept responsibility for the lack of zaniness, craziness, and wackiness during the segment. We know how you have come to rely on us for your daily dose of nuttiness, and we let you down. It won’t happen again.”
Station manager Guy Rusizki said the mistake, while regrettable, was understandable. “Both Pauly and Daniel share the same agent,” he said. “We’ll be more careful next time.”
Bush honors Peace Corp hero Lydia Humenycky
Humenycky poses with tribal mask she collected in Togo. "I believe the mask represents Satan," she explained.
AL-SADR, MAHDI ARMY TAKE TO STREETS TO PROTEST WLTJ FORMAT CHANGE; RADICAL SHIITE CLERIC DEMANDS RETURN OF SOFT-ROCK FAVORITES, NO-REPEAT WORKDAYS
BAGHDAD - A format change at Pittsburgh radio station WLTJ has created a political crisis in this volatile city. Moktada al-Sadr, the radical Shiite cleric and recently converted fan of a genre of music known as “adult contemporary,” has instructed his followers to take to the streets until WLTJ abandons its new Q92 format.
“No soft-rock, no peace!” shouted al-Sadr, who appeared on a popular Iraqi morning show flanked by former WLTJ on-air talents Gary Love and Beth Bershok. A U.S. State Department official said al-Sadr discovered WLTJ’s Lite FM after entering an internet chat room devoted to the music of Air Supply. The official said it is believed the steady diet of inoffensive, soothing popular songs on the WLTJ Lite FM playlist contributed to a reduction in regional tensions. “There is no way al-Sadr would have called for a cease-fire before he discovered Dan Fogelberg and Gordon Lightfoot, and there’s no way he hears them without Lite FM.”
WLTJ program director Chuck Stevens said his station would not bow to pressure from “foreign extremists,” and urged all listeners, including Mr. al-Sadr and the Mahdi Army, to give it a try. “If we go back to Lite FM, then the terrorists win,” said Mr. Stevens.
SPACE SHUTTLE CREW MEMBERS STYMIED BY GREMLIN ON THE WING; ENDEAVOUR LANDING IN JEOPARDY
(Outer Space) - The landing of the space shuttle Endeavour remains indefinitely postponed pending the resolution of a “gremlin on the wing” problem. Crewman Bob Wilson reported the gremlin to his fellow Shuttle astronauts shortly after the mission began several weeks ago. His constant screaming was initially a source of great irritation to his colleagues. “He kept shouting ‘There’s something on the wing!’ over and over again,” said astronaut Patricia Shaughnessy. “We thought he was having a reaction to some bad Tang.”
Tang is, of course, the astronauts' drink.
After several days, the gremlin revealed himself to the entire crew, standing on the wing holding a sign telling them to "GO TO HELL." He hasn’t moved since.
Commander Dominic Gorie said liability issues surrounding the probable incineration of the gremlin upon Endeavour’s re-entry to Earth’s atmosphere have forced him to keep the shuttle aloft. “We just don’t have the kind of funding these days that a protracted wrongful death lawsuit with the gremlin's family would cost,” said Commander Gorie. “It’s more important for us to spend our limited resources in space instead of the courts.” Commander Gorie said he had no idea how the gremlin ended up on the shuttle wing. “We do a thorough sweep of the shuttle for stowaways, monsters, aliens and gremlins before lift-off. The only thing I can think of is somebody on the inspection crew did a half-ass job.”
Local man incensed: ‘Vernal equinox isn’t what it used to be’
PITTSBURGH - Popular bon vivant Noah Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme displeasure” that the temperatures for the first days of spring feel more like winter.
“Somebody needs to take a stand on this,” Swayne explained.
“I tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days. It came roaring in like thunder, and hit us like a wave of balmy bliss.’”
“Somebody needs to take a stand on this,” Swayne explained.
“I tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days. It came roaring in like thunder, and hit us like a wave of balmy bliss.’”
Swayne said his next protest is Christmas, “because that’s not as good as it used to be, either.”
PITTSBURGH STEELERS TO REQUIRE DRAFTEES TO TAKE VOW OF CELIBACY
PITTSBURGH - Steelers chairman Dan Rooney announced yesterday that he has instituted a team celibacy requirement for all players effective immediately. “Starting today, this is strictly a ‘no broads’ outfit. I don’t need this aggravation. If it’s good enough for the Church, it’s good enough for the Steelers.” The new policy has been adopted in response to a rash of domestic violence incidents involving current and former Steelers players. It applies to all unmarried players on the roster, as well as all players selected in next month’s NFL draft. Additionally, all players will be asked to join the local chapter of The He-Man Woman Haters Club, an exclusively male outfit founded in 1937 by Mr. Alfalfa Schweitzer that believes “girls are the bunk.” Upon administration of the oath, all players will receive a badge acknowledging membership. “The badge should be worn at all times, especially in public,” said Mr. Rooney.
The Steelers' new program is believed to be the first mandatory celibacy action league-wide, but Mr. Rooney said it won’t be the last. “I imagine every other team is going to take a look at what we’re doing and follow suit.” A spokesman for NFL Players Association head Gene Upshaw said union officials had not seen a copy of the Steelers new anti-domestic violence initiative, but would be opposed to any restrictions placed upon players rights to have physical relations with members of the opposite sex.
LOCAL BLOGGER CLAIMS HE SPOTTED PITTGIRL IN FRICK PARK
"I was so shocked I fell off my Trek," Roger Patterson said, "but before I hit the ground, I snapped this picture with my iPhone." An obviously disappointed Patterson added, "She wasn't as hot as I thought she'd be."
Wecht jury deliberations: Jurors are reviewing Zapruder film over and over to decide Wecht's fate
Dr. Wecht: Film contains "all the answers"
MOTHER TERESA AGREES TO ONE HUNDRED AND THREE MILLION DOLLAR DEAL; NEW CONTRACT WILL MAKE HER HIGHEST PAID HUMANITARIAN IN WORLD
Calcutta - Mother Teresa agreed to a new contract today that will pay her a hundred and three million dollars over the next eight years. The announcement was made this morning at the Missionaries of Charity South Side offices. Mother Teresa was joined by Pope Benedict the XVI, and her agents. “This is about being a Member of the Missionaries of Charity for as long as I can be,” she said. “I didn’t want to go anywhere.”Pope Benedict XVI said, “She’s the face of the Missionaries of Charity franchise. She’s always going to be a member of the Missionaries of Charity.”
The contract, which includes a twenty-six million dollar signing bonus, makes her the highest paid humanitarian in the world. Dr. Albert Schweitzer, who has devoted his life to improving the health of impoverished Africans, signed a ten-year deal that pays him ninety-five million dollars last month.
“I’m not going to lie to you, it was important to my client to be known as the highest-paid humanitarian in the world, said Bruce Tollner, the agent for Mother Teresa. “Now that this is done, Mother can get back to doing what she does best: bringing Gods love to millions of downtrodden people dwelling in the bowels of this city.” Mother Teresa expressed her gratitude to the Pope, and to her agents. “I’m glad we were able to get this deal done. To be able to finish my career in the city where I started, working for these great, suffering multitudes, is really special.”
HOMEOWNER GETS VERDICT IN SUIT AGAINST PAINTER WHO USED TWO DIFFERENT SHADES OF WHITE ON WALLS
Difference in shades of white not discernible to average person -- but the case was assigned to Eskimo Judge Canku who can discern hundreds of shades of white
PITTSBURGH - Karl Swayne sued his house painter, Bradleys Roadhouse Paints because, according to the complaint, "the defendant contracted with plaintiff to paint the walls of plaintiff's luxury home all 'white,' but defendant proceeded to paint the walls utilizing different shades of white, contrary to both the parties' agreement and reasonable industry standards."
PITTSBURGH - Karl Swayne sued his house painter, Bradleys Roadhouse Paints because, according to the complaint, "the defendant contracted with plaintiff to paint the walls of plaintiff's luxury home all 'white,' but defendant proceeded to paint the walls utilizing different shades of white, contrary to both the parties' agreement and reasonable industry standards." The plaintiff seemed to suffer an insurmountable blow to his case when he admitted in his deposition that he could not tell the difference in the shades of paint utilized. "It all just looked 'white' to me," he testified. But fate smiled on the plaintiff, because when the case was called for trial, the jurist assigned was Judge Noah Canku, who claims to be "100% Eskimo, capable of discerning several hundred different shades of white."
After viewing the walls in a non-jury trial for less than three seconds, Judge Canku said he found the paint job "appalling -- it hurts my eyes to look at it," and awarded plaintiff $4,300, the cost to repaint the walls.
CROSBY DOESN'T DRESS FOR GAME, PENS BREATHE SIGH OF RELIEF
Teammates urge Sid to "take as much time off as you need -- somehow we'll get by without you."
OBAMA SAYS REMARK HE MADE DURING RADIO INTERVIEW CAN'T POSSIBLY BE CONSTRUED AS RACIST
"I have a lot of white friends," the Illinois Senator said.
LOCAL MAN TELLS F*CKING TWICE-A-YEAR CATHOLICS: NEVER AGAIN CLUTTER UP MY CHURCH ON EASTER
PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne, 33, has a message for Catholics who only attend mass on Christmas and Easter: "Keep your f*cking, sorry asses out of my church from now on." Swayne was outraged on Easter Sunday when there were approximately four times the volume of regular worshippers at church.Swayne, a long-time parishioner at St. Elizabeth's in Pleasant Hills, says the "interlopers" are easy to spot. "They're usually better dressed than the regulars, because they obviously don't realize that Catholics don't bother to don the fancy garb of commerce like the Protestants and the Jews who are all out trying to impress one another." Moreover, according to Swayne, "they don't know the prayers" and just stand there "like f*cking zombies."
Swayne notes that none of this stops the "interlopers" from stealing his regular pew, eighth pew on the left at the 7:30 Mass, or from receiving Holy Communion. Swayne makes sure to tell them exactly how he feels during the sign of peace. "Yesterday, for example, I shook one interloper's hand and told her that I hate her with every fiber of my being."
Swayne says he' s only doing the Lord's work. "I'm just sort of God's back-up in case he doesn't realize he has hypocrites in his midst."
PAKISTAN PRESIDENT PERVEZ MUSHARRAF DENIES BIN LADEN HAS SAFE HARBOR IN PAKISTAN
“And to suggest he’s hiding in my country – or on the 3rd floor of my presidential palace in the suite facing East – is just ridiculous,” he said.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE INTRODUCES THE NEW EASTER BUNNY
HE'S 54-YEAR-OLD SANJAYA BARU, THE FIRST NON-CHRISTIAN TO SERVE IN THE POST
POPE SCRAPS ANNUAL URBI ET ORBI BLESSING TO THE WORLD IN FAVOR OF CADBURY CREME EGGS
PONTIFF STARTLES CROWD WHEN HE SAYS, "JERRY, BRING OUT THE CREME EGGS. I'M DONE HERE," THEN DISAPPEAREDVATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI scrapped the Pontiff's traditional Easter blessing to the world, the Urbi et Orbi address, and instead ordered Vatican personnel to pass out tens of thousands of Cadbury Creme Eggs to pilgrims at Saint Peters Square.
Popes typically use their Easter message as an occasion to admonish warring nations to bring an end to bloodshed. This year, the Pope appeared on the balcony at St. Peter's Basilica precisely on time but some witnesses said he bore a sad and defeated look. He stared at his prepared text in silence for several seconds, causing many in the overflow crowd to assume he was ill. Suddenly he looked up and stared straight ahead and muttered in a soft but clearly audible voice, "Hopeless, absolutely hopeless." The Pope turned to his right and spoke to someone out of view. "Jerry, bring out the [Cadbury] Creme Eggs. I'm done here." Then he brusquely waved to the crowd and disappeared. A short time later a caravan of trucks rolled into the Saint Peters Square and began distributing four-packs of the popular Cadbury chocolate to the estimated 80,000 pilgrims. The Pope has publicly touted Cadbury Creme Eggs, once even singling them out in a speech because of their "delicious, soft fondant center."
Later, while downing one of the creme eggs, American tourist Noah Swayne summed up the feelings of many in the crowd, "Sure, I wish he had spoken more. But this was actually better."
PETER COTTONTAIL CRITICALLY WOUNDED BY ROADSIDE BOMB ALONG BUNNY TRAIL OUTSIDE BAGHDAD
U.S. CLAIMS BELOVED RABBIT IGNORED WARNINGS TO REMAIN INSIDE THE GREEN ZONE
MR. ROONEY SAYS MICHAEL CORLEONE'S GANGLAND KILLINGS 'PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED' BECAUSE HE WAS ATTENDING A BAPTISM
Steeler patriarch explains release of Cedrick Wilson: "Today, I settle all family business."
STEELERS CUT CEDRIC WILSON, ANNOUNCE ZERO-TOLERANCE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE POLICY FOR PLAYERS WHO SUCK
Dan Rooney assures fans, team that "great players and Pro Bowlers" are "still free to beat their hos senseless"
POPE EXPECTED TO WAIVE GOOD FRIDAY FAST AND ABSTINENCE FOR NCAA TOURNAMENT FANS
Vatican City - Pope Benedict XVI will issue a papal edict this morning waiving Fast and Abstinence status for Good Friday so that billions of Catholic basketball fans can fully enjoy the NCAA tournament, eating hotdogs and drinking beer, without violating their conscience. A Vatican spokesman was adamant this would be the only concession the Church would make for the tournament. All other restrictions remain in place. “The decision by the Holy Father does not diminish the sacrifice that Good Friday celebrates,” said the spokesman, “but should be seen as recognition of the genuine suffering observant Catholics who also love the game of basketball would endure should they be denied the right to watch their favorite team while gorging themselves with meat products and drinking heavily in The Big Dance.”
The Vatican said the Pope's action, while rare, is not without precedent. Similarly, in 1939, Pope Pius XII removed Holy Day of Obligation status for moviegoers attending the premiere of “Gone With The Wind.” The film opened on the Feast of the Assumption.
Pope Benedict’s love of basketball is well-known. For years, he ran the College of Cardinals NCAA Men ’s Tournament poll. He’s also the captain of his team – the Papal Bulls – in the Vatican Rec-League over-seventy division.
A request to review a copy of the Pope’s brackets by a writer for this website remains unanswered.
"Mr. Rogers" actor once beat a stagehand to death with a blood-soaked puppet
PITTSBURGH - Irving J. Mendelbaum, who portrayed beloved children's television's "Fred Rogers," was a former convict and three-time divorcee who once beat a stagehand to death with a blood-soaked puppet for complaining about his salary, then urinated on the body before forcing his minions to dump it in the Allegheny River. These are a few of the startling revelations in a book to be released tomorrow, Even the Puppets Hated Him, by former staffer Helen Palsgraf that exposes an almost unbelievably dark side to the late children's show host.
"I'm sure readers will find it amusing that this mild-mannered, beloved TV personality could be a monster, but there was nothing amusing about it for those of us who lived through it," said Joe "Handyman" Negri. "I was there when the stagehand was killed. Not only did we have to ditch the body, but he ordered me to burn the puppet, which was caked with blood. Ever wonder why 'Goliath the Donkey' disappeared from the show without explanation?"
David Newell, who played Mr. McFeely, a mainstay in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, put it bluntly: "Mendelbaum was the most twisted man who ever lived." Newell cocks his head to reveal that half of his left ear is missing. "I made the mistake of wearing his sweater as a gag one time. Soon as he saw me, he charged at me, teeth bared like a wild dog. Now I'm totally deaf in that ear."
The entire staff of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood lived in constant fear of being fired. "If Mendelbaum wanted to give you the ax, he'd called your house on Christmas Eve and have one of your kids relay the termination notice. And believe me, the ones who were let go, they were the lucky ones," Newell said.
Despite his enormous wealth, Mendelbaum "made Ebenezer Scrooge look like a philanthropist," Negri said. Paychecks never came on time. "A month late was not unusual," according to Negri. When Mendelbaum was in a generous mood and decided it was "payday," he would stand at the top of the staircase at WQED's studio in Pittsburgh, where his offices were located, and gleefully toss bills down the steps just to watch staff members fight each other for them.
"And heaven help you if you ever fouled up," said Newell. Like the time Mendelbaum's longtime pianist Johnny Costa missed a cue. "Irving stormed over to the piano, opened the lid and ripped out a wire, then he started to strangle Johnny with it," said Negri. "It took three of us to pull him off." Costa was never the same, Negri said. He died the following month. At the funeral home, Mendelbaum exposed himself to Costa's distraught widow "just for fun," said Newell. She rebuked him and he stormed out. Before he left the parking lot, he defecated on her car.
"The happiest moment of my life was when they lowered him into the earth," said Negri. "Every year on the anniversary of his death, Dave Newell and I and the rest of the gang from the old 'neighborhood' go out there and pee on his grave - just because we can."
FEDERAL RESERVE TAKES BOLD STEPS TO RESTORE CONFIDENCE IN BRITNEY SPEARS
Fed hopes vigorous action will prop up troubled star to prevent the other marginally talented celebrities from collapsing like a house of cards
OBAMA PICKS A RUNNING MATE
Illinois Senator calls Rev. Jeremiah Wright the "perfect choice" to help bring fundamental change to the US of KKKA.
OBAMA: PASTOR'S INFLAMMATORY CLAIMS WERE TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT
"What Rev. Wright actually meant," the Illinois Senator explained, "is that Republicans created AIDS to kill blacks."
BIN LADEN, AL-ZAWAHIRI AT ODDS OVER SPRING CLEANING; AL QAEDA CHIEF SAYS PEOPLE LEADING JIHAD DO NOT SCRUB CAVES
(Peshawar ) - Osama Bin Laden, the world’s most hunted terrorist and self-proclaimed leader of a global holy war against America , will not participate in traditional spring cleaning rituals. Bin Laden announced his intentions in a video released to, and broadcast on, the Al-Jazeera network. “My roommate, Dr. Al-Zawahiri, has been pestering me for weeks about giving this cave a good scrubbing, but I’m sick of looking at these rock walls,” he said. “Let him take me out once in a while, and I’d be more agreeable to performing domestic chores.” Mr. Bin Laden went on to describe a litany of insults he has been subjected to by Dr. Al-Zawahiri since the two men went into hiding following the United States invasion of Afghanistan in 2001. Chief among those insults was a failure of Dr. Al-Zawahiri to express gratitude to Mr. Bin Laden for his willingness to prepare food on a daily basis. “There’s not a day goes by he doesn’t come home from a hard day of fomenting hatred and doesn’t have a hot meal on the table,” Bin Laden complained. “You think he’d ever say thanks?”
CIA officials who examined the tape believe it is authentic. One analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity, said “the walls of that cave appear to have built up a significant amount of grime and dust,” leading the agency to conclude it was made within the past several weeks.
WECHT JURY SENDS QUESTION TO JUDGE SCHWAB
PITTSBURGH - The six men and six women deliberating the fate of former coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht sent Judge Arthur Schwab a question this afternoon that read as follows: "If a woman in Carrick traveling at 20 miles an hour, and a man in Brookline traveling at 15 miles an hour, both leave their homes at the same time, which one gets to the U.S. Steel Tower first? We have a dinner riding on your answer."
The Judge met with counsel for close to a half hour, and after bickering over the wording of the response, scribbled this message to the jury: "The woman from Carrick. But it depends on where she parks."
Legal scholars agree that the question was "somewhat peculiar," and it may indicate that the jurors have been sidetracked from the issues in dispute.
OBAMA DENIES HE KNEW PASTOR'S INNERMOST THOUGHTS
"I did not have spiritual relations with that man, Reverend Wright," the Illinois Senator said.
BERT AND ERNIE WED, LONG-TIME COMPANIONS JOINED IN CIVIL UNION, WILL RUN BED AND BREAKFAST IN VERMONT
Bennington - Bert and Ernie, the comic duo who made each visit to Sesame Street a laugh-filled trip for millions of pre-school children, were joined in a civil union at City Hall yesterday. The newlyweds plan to open a bed and breakfast resort in the Green Mountains. The ceremony was performed by the Chief Justice of the Vermont Supreme Court, Thad Gould. “This has been a long-time coming,” said Chief Justice Gould. “Ernie, I’m glad you finally made an honest man out of Bert.” The steps of City Hall were packed with well-wishers and activists seeking to capitalize on the celebrity of the individuals involved to advance their own agendas. “Bert and Ernie were forced to keep their true feelings for one another bottled up in a dingy below-street flat for over thirty years,” shouted one man. “Poor Ernie spent a lifetime giving his love to a rubber ducky, because that’s what society made him do!”
Numerous friends from the old Sesame Street neighborhood attended the ceremony. Oscar the Grouch, who has been an outspoken opponent of human feelings, was clearly unhappy. “What a waste of time. This whole thing stinks worse than the bottom of my garbage can.” Mr. Grouch was pessimistic about the long-term prospects of the newly-legalized relationship. “Believe me, Ernie is really driving Bert crazy. Bert only agreed to this to shut Ernie up. It won’t be long before the cops find Ernie on the floor with Bert’s paper clip collection shoved down his throat.”
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