WITH REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT BACK IN THE NEWS, OBAMA TURNS TO A NEW SPIRITUAL ADVISOR
Illinois Senator says "This time, no one in America could possibly be offended" by his choice
Pope Bendict rocked for 11 runs in first inning, Brewers release him
George Steinbrenner: Trading Pontiff after last week's Yankee Stadium mass was "the best thing I've ever done"Tens of thousands of fans saw Pope Benedict XVI say mass at Yankee Stadium a week ago last Sunday. Immediately after the mass, Yankees’ owner George Steinbrenner traded the Pope to the Milwaukee Brewers for right-handed pitcher Jeff Suppan and a Bishop to be named later.
The Pontiff's stay in Milwaukee lasted nine days. The Brewers released him outright after Tuesday night's loss to the White Sox in which Benedict gave up 11 runs in the first inning. Archbishop Donald Wuerl of Washington, D.C. closed out the game in a mop-up role.
The Brewers’ General Manager Doug Melvin said he had high hopes for the Pontiff, but "he's just a Pope, not a miracle worker."
OBAMA DISOWNS GRANDMOTHER, TOO
"First, Rev. Wright, then my grandmother -- who wants to be next? I might get hot and disown everybody in the joint."
RARE PAINTING OF BEN FRANKLIN MAKING OBSCENE GESTURE FETCHES MILLIONS AT AUCTION
Philadelphia - A rare oil painting of Benjamin Franklin grabbing his crotch and pointing at Thomas Jefferson during the Constitutional Convention sold for ten million dollars at auction yesterday. It is believed to be the largest sum of money spent on a painting of the Constitutional Convention since Aaron Spelling purchased the lone print of Alexander Hamilton holding John Adams in a headlock during the Bicentennial Auction of 1976.
The winning bid was submitted by renowned historian – and Pittsburgh native – David McCullough. Mr. McCullough said he plans to display the painting in the first floor powder room of his home. The painting, entitled “I’ve Got Your States Rights Right Here,” was done by Charles Wilson Peale. Mr. Peale was known as the official painter of the Founding Fathers.
A shrewd businessman as well as a gifted artist, Peale negotiated an exclusive deal with the Founding Fathers following the Boston Massacre in 1770. The deal gave him unlimited access to the some of the most prominent men in the Colonies, and he used that access to capture many of them in revealing, and at times, unflattering acts. Historian David McCullough said the portrait of Benjamin Franklin is “an accurate depiction of the emotional, tension-filled debates between proponents of the Federal system and those who adhered to a Jeffersonian vision for the young republic.” McCullough added that it wasn’t uncommon for delegates at the Constitutional Convention to slap, punch, or kick each other to drive home their arguments “when rhetoric wasn’t enough.”
MALIBU SURF CLUB ENDORSES GLOBAL WARMING
"We figure it oughta bring some bitchin' waves," said club president Tito Swayne. "We can't wait."
MENDENHALL ENTERS THE CITY TO CHANTS OF HOSANNA; FANS HAIL SAVIOR OF STEELERS RUNNING GAME
(Pittsburgh) - Rashard Mendenhall, the first pick of the Pittsburgh Steelers in this past weekends NFL draft, entered the city in triumph today, with tens of thousands of excited fans laying palm fronds before his feet as he traveled down East Carson Street on his way to the Steelers South Side complex. “I am the way, the truth, and the light,” he said. “He who believeth in me shall see a sixth Super Bowl trophy before the cock crows three times.” The furor over the arrival of Mr. Mendenhall prompted head coach Mike Tomlin to issue a statement reminding Steelers disciples of Mr. Mendenhall’s role.
“He’s a rookie running back,” Tomlin said. “Right now, he’s backing up Willie Parker.” Informed of Tomlin’s comments, Mr. Mendenhall made a brash prediction. “I will destroy the current depth chart, and rebuild it in three days, with myself at the top.”
Team officials are elated Mr. Mendenhall was available when it was the Steelers selection. “He’s the one we’ve been waiting for all this time,” said Director of Football Operations Kevin Colbert. Mr. Mendenhall said he will spend the next several days walking the banks of the three rivers speaking to fishermen, before going to work.
He said he’s aware of the pressure that comes with being a first round draft pick of the Steelers. “I know they see me as a miracle worker, and I’ll do my best, but I know the first time something goes wrong, they’ll be screaming for somebody else, and looking to crucify me.”
President reconvenes Warren Commission to investigate Steeler draft
Bush: "The success of the Steelers is clearly in our national interest."
THE SCIENCE CORNER: The most germ-infested object in your home is your soap
BY DR. NOAH SWAYNE, SCIENTIST - There's an enemy hiding in your bathroom's soap dish.It wants you to hold it, to caress it, and to think that only it can make you clean.
In fact, it is the single most germ-infested object in your home.
It is your soap.
I am, of course, speaking from a purely SCIENTIFIC perspective.
You innocently invite this Trojan Horse into the most private room of your home, the room where you frolic about naked in front of the mirror longing for a longer long john, blissfully oblivious that the thing that is supposed to protect you from filth and disease is laden through and through with it.
Soap has been the leading cause of death in America for the past 67 years.
Men, do you get urine on your hands while peeing? Urine contains .0001 mg of germs per square inch. Soap contains 8.73 mg of germs per square inch. You'd be much cleaner washing your hands with pee instead of soap.
Vomit, industrial waste and rodents are all much cleaner than soap.
There is only one solution if you want to avoid disease and, yes, even death: ditch the soap, fast. And the next time someone tells you to wash your hands, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts.
WVU to allow frequent flier miles to count toward degree credits
MORGANTOWN, W.Va. – West Virginia University officials today unveiled an innovative new program that allows students to use real-life experience, frequent flyer miles and Giant Eagle fuel perks as credits toward graduate degrees in business, education and pharmacy“Grad-Points Plus,” a joint effort by the university and various businesses, will allow mid-career professionals “the opportunity to apply what they’ve learned in the school of hard-knocks in the school of hardly knocking,” according to school president Michael Garrison.
Garrison said the program is a previously unpublicized recommendation from a recent in-house investigation into a master’s degree that was awarded, then rescinded, then awarded then rescinded to an area pharmaceutical executive.
“We sat around thinking about all the other sorts of credits and points someone picks up in a long career and one of our sociology professors did some sort of algorithm or whatever those people do and figured that a certain number of frequent flyer miles probably has a lot of educational kinds of experiences attached to it and we figured, ‘hey – why just leave those things lying around? Especially the ones with USAirways, which aren’t good for much – certainly not, like, booking a flight, and believe me I’ve tried. So we started thinking about ways to connect them with learning,” said Garrison.
“And believe me, at WVU, we’ve found ways to connect things with learning that haven’t occurred to people at any other school I can think of.”
A prospectus for the course shows that various miles will be applicable in different ways, depending upon the learning experience likely to be reflected. Overseas miles will be good for one credit in 1,500 mile increments for degrees in business and pharmacy, while miles for domestic travel can be applied in lesser amounts.
“Let’s suppose you flew from Pittsburgh to Seattle. Clearly that would suggest a few credits in computer science,” said Garrison. “Or a flight to Toronto or Montreal. Those could count toward U.S. Geography, right?”
Garrison said the school will draw that line at in-state travel and short-hops and will limit all travel to and from Las Vegas to its statistics and mathematics courses.
The fuel perks feature will include a unique “reverse perks” clause that allows students to include grocery purchases toward sociology degrees.
“I’ve been to the supermarket. I was there just last month, with my wife, and I noticed how many people talk about their troubles there,” Garrison said. “This is a no-brainer for sociology.”
PENNSYLVANIA VOTER FED UP WITH 'A**HOLE POLITICIANS' WHO STOPPED CALLING
PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne slumps over in his overstuffed easy chair, one hand clutching a phone that refuses to ring. Empty Diet Rite Cola bottles are strewn about the floor. Noah's bathrobe is carelessly opened in the front to reveal a little too much Noah. The red, puffy eyes testify to excessive crying. Neighbors say Swayne has been like this since Wednesday. That's the day the recordings of Hillary Clinton stopped calling.
"One day, [the recording of] Hillary interrupted Guiding Light six times -- I know because I counted. She sweet talked me, made all kind of promises, told me how important I am -- you know, she totally came on to me," said Swayne. "Six times she called! She even had [a recording of Pennsylvania Governor] Ed Rendell call me, you know, talking her up the way Karen Haas' brother did when he was tryin' to get me to ask his sister to the 11th grade dance."
Swayne leans forward as if he's about to reveal who killed JFK. "Hillary and I did things on the phone I normally don't do until a third date," he confides. "Then poof -- after the [Pennsylvania] primary -- nothing! You don't lead someone on like that and then just stop calling, cold turkey."
"Politicians! They're all alike! They're all dicks, selfish assholes, toying with a girl's heart. I don't need any of them, ever, because you can't trust any of them." Swayne said he plans to "invite some girlfriends over Friday night, make some popcorn, and then we'll all curl up in our pajamas and do some serious politican bashing."
A recording of Hillary Clinton responded to inquiries about this story by saying, "Tell Noah, it's not him, it's me."
OBAMA CAMPAIGN SAYS NEW PHOTO DEPICTS SECRET PRO-CLINTON RALLY IN CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA
"This explains everything," said campaign manager David Plouffe.
OBAMA PACKS UP HIS TOYS, GOES TO INDIANA
Tells Evansville crowd, "I’m not gonna play with those Pennsylvania poopy heads ever again”
From the Carbolic Smoke Ball Archives: April 24, 1936
STEELERS MAKE WILLIAM “BILL” SHAKESPEARE THEIR FIRST DRAFT CHOICE IN HISTORY“He's a play maker.” – Art Rooney, Sr., Team Owner
NEW YORK -- Bill Shakespeare, a running back from Notre Dame, was made the first No. 1 draft pick in Steelers’ history today. He accepted a black-and-gold striped football jersey from NFL Commissioner Bert Bell, and posed for photographers with Mr. Rooney at Madison Square Garden.
Shakespeare was the third player picked overall. “He has an unusual running style,” Pittsburgh Sun-Telegraph sports reporter Giacomo Prisuta said. “He’s light on his left foot, and then he accents the right foot. It’s sort of a da DUM, da DUM, da DUM, da DUM, da DUM. I’ve never seen an iambic runner before."
Shakespeare was not as highly ranked by BLESTO scouting services as Francis Bacon, a running back out of Texas A&M. But the Steelers liked what they saw. “We compared them side by side, and we thought Shakespeare was the true original. Our hopes are high for the upcoming season.”
Editor’s note: Mr. Shakespeare never made the team, and the Steelers continued their losing ways until the 1970’s. Shakespeare went on to a successful career as a poet. He lived in England until his death in Strathmore-on-Avon in 1965.
UPMC ACQUIRES $50 MILLION LEARJET FOR MEDICAL STUDY: THE EFFECTS OF HIGH ALTITUDE ON TOP-SHELF LIQUOR
“I personally tested the Courvoisier to make sure it is safe for our subscribers.” -- Jeffrey Romoff, UPMC President and CEO
NEWS HOUR WITH JIM LEHRER TO REMAIN IN PITTSBURGH; AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST TO ANCHOR PBS DRAFT COVERAGE FROM WQED STUDIOS
(Washington D.C.) - The News Hour with Jim Lehrer will remain in Pittsburgh through this weekend to anchor round-the-clock PBS coverage of the NFL Draft. The News Hour broadcast from Pittsburgh this past Monday as part of its coverage of the Pennsylvania primary. Mr. Lehrer will be joined in the WQED studios on draft day by co-anchor Gwen Ifill, as well as syndicated columnist Mark Shields, Wall Street Journal editorial page editor Paul Gigot, Sports Illustrated pro football writer Peter King, and presidential historians Doris Kearns Goodwin and Michael Beschloss. Ms. Ifill said she felt having two presidential historians on the air was important. “If we want to let viewers know who Franklin Roosevelt would take if he were picking for the Miami Dolphins, we can go to either Doris or Michael.”
Mr. Lehrer said he thought PBS coverage of the NFL draft was long overdue. “This is an event that really seems to strike a chord with the American people,” he said. “The anticipation and excitement that comes with the process by which the management of professional football franchises choose aspiring athletes exceeds every other selection process in civic life, and that includes the presidential election.” Mr. Lehrer added that the tedious, snail-like pace of the NFL draft made it the perfect story for PBS. “Ken Burns couldn’t do it any better, or any slower.”
Dan Rooney interviews Obama to fulfill requirements of 'Rooney Rule'
"And every American voter is required to interview Barack before the election," said Steelers' patriarch
POPE BENEDICT DISSATISFIED WITH PAPAL AIRLINES; PONTIFF SAYS HE’LL NEVER FLY SHEPHERD ONE AGAIN
VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI pronounced himself “extremely dissatisfied” with his flight experience during his recent trip to the United States. The Pontiff’s feelings were made public yesterday when the Vatican travel office released the results of a Shepherd One exit survey completed by His Holiness upon his return to Rome.“I was extremely dissatisfied with the quality of my flight,” wrote the Pope in a section of the survey reserved for comments. “The pretzels I received for my snack tasted like they were made before the Second Vatican council. Even worse, my in flight movie was 'Mr. Destiny,' starring Jim Belushi. If any of you had been paying attention, you would have known I made an infallible pronouncement last year condemning Mr. Belushi as an abomination on show business.”
When asked if he would recommend Shepherd One to other Popes, Benedict replied with an emphatic “NO!”
Father David Corbett, the papal secretary in charge of travel itinerary, said it was likely Pope Benedict was suffering the effects of jet lag and fatigue when filling out the survey, if, indeed he filled it out himself. “A lot of times he give this stuff to one of us,” said Father Corbett. “That’s what he did with the Proust questionnaire from Vanity Fair and the Pop Culture grid in Sports Illustrated.” Father Corbett said the Pope had no immediate plans to return to the United States. “But I’m sure the next time he does, he’ll be flying Jet Blue.”
CLINTON VICTORY IN PENNSYLVANIA PRIMARY ATTRIBUTED TO MIRACLE OF MONICA LEWINSKY'S DRESS
Face of Eleanor Roosevelt appears in semen stain; Clinton supporters call it "a sign"
Close-up of image
Catherine Baker Knoll blames 'women hater' comment on 'getting caught up in the Clinton campaign atmosphere'
Lt. Gov. Catherine Baker Knoll lashed out at county executive Dan Onorato and Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl during a rally for Hillary Clinton at Market Square Monday afternoon saying "these two men can't stand women." The comment came after Onorato didn't know Knoll wanted to speak at the rally, so he bypassed her and introduced former President Bill Clinton instead. Afterward, Knoll said her remarks had been taken out of context. "That thing about how they 'can't stand women,' it's just something we say in the Clinton campaign, that's all," she sighed and rolled her eyes. "You know, like in your office if a guy does something you don't like, you might say, 'I disagree with you on that.' Well, in the Clinton campaign, if a guy does something we disagree with, it's like, 'Hey, you must hate women. You're a misogynist -- a sexist, woman-hating pig.' It's just a figure of speech. Like if someone supports Obama, they hate women, you know? I mean, what's the big deal? I can't understand why everybody's making a federal case out of it."
Dan Onoroto explained that the Lt. Governor's remarks were inaccurate. "The fact of the matter is, we love women -- it's her we can't stand."
Bill Clinton endorses Obama
Former President Bill Clinton endorsed Barack Obama last night. "I woke him at 3:00 a.m. and he did just fine," Clinton explained. "Now my wife -- that's a different story."
OBAMA INTRODUCES HIS TOP CABINET PICKS
High-ranking members of "Obama Youth" would serve as Secretaries of State, Defense, Energy, Hope, and Change
THREE MEN CASTRATED DURING CLINTON MARKET SQUARE RALLY
PITTSBURGH - Three men were castrated during Monday's Market Square rally for Hillary Clinton, bringing the total number of men neutered at Clinton rallies nationwide since the presidential campaign began to 29. This news outlet does not identify victims of castrations at Clinton rallies. "It was scary when word about the three guys spread throughout the crowd," said Noah Swayne, 22, a Clinton supporter at the rally. "We all figured that the guys who got snipped must have been asking for it."
Lt. Governor Catherine Baker Knoll explained that men need to be vigilant at Clinton rallies. "They shouldn't walk alone and they should be accompanied by a woman at all times," said the Lt. Governor. "I don't want to say these three particular dudes asked for it, but these three particular dudes probably did ask for it," she explained. "They probably can't stand women," she smirked. "I'm only kidding about that last part -- it's just something we say in the Clinton campaign to pass the time."
STEVE DOUGLAS, DOUGLAS FAMILY SUSPECTS IN SERIES OF BRUTAL MURDERS; UNCLE CHARLIE SAYS “COPS GOT IT ALL WRONG”
(Los Angeles) - Steve Douglas, an aerospace engineer, widower, and patriarch of the Douglas family, is being sought by local police who suspect his involvement in the brutal murder of actress Sharon Tate. Mr. Douglas, who previously lived in an idyllic Midwestern suburb with his three sons before moving to California, has an extensive criminal record. Detective Joe Friday, who has been working the day shift out of homicide, said Mr. Douglas is a charismatic figure who exerts a powerful control over the members of his family.
“Steve Douglas is no stranger to violence” said Detective Friday. “We are awaiting final results from the lab, but it looks like he’s the guy who stabbed Bub eighty-four times and left him in a shallow grave behind his old house.” Bub O’Casey was Mr. Douglas’s father-in-law. Friday said informants have revealed that Douglas has spent the past several months listening to copies of The Beatles White Album in an effort to discern secret messages he believes were intended for him.
“Douglas is under the impression this pop group is telling him to start a race war,” said Friday. “We believe he dispatched [sons] Rob, Chip, and Ernie to do his bidding.”
Uncle Charlie, the cantankerous live-in housekeeper for the Douglas family, says the police are mistaken. “They should talk to the people who live next door, the Mansons,” he said. “They’ve been keeping me up all night with their racket!”
OBAMA THE FRONT-RUNNER FOR STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENT
I think he's someone who can unite the brains and the jocks," said junior Ashleigh McKenna. "And I just love his smile."
Halfway through the service, the Pope has a revelation
"You know what, fellas? I just realized I'm in the wrong place."
The Pope's trip to America
The Pope's schedule for this weekend
Friday
*Tour the QVC Studios
*Eat at Olive Garden
*Spend the afternoon at Dollywood
*Advise a contestant on “Deal or No Deal”
Saturday
*Pilgrimage to steps used in Three Stooges “ice men” short
*Pilgrimage to steps used in “The Exorcist”
*Catch Carrot Top in Atlantic City
*Visit the Liberace Museum in Vegas
*Meet Chuck Norris
Sunday
*Attend Mass
Friday
*Tour the QVC Studios
*Eat at Olive Garden
*Spend the afternoon at Dollywood
*Advise a contestant on “Deal or No Deal”
Saturday
*Pilgrimage to steps used in Three Stooges “ice men” short
*Pilgrimage to steps used in “The Exorcist”
*Catch Carrot Top in Atlantic City
*Visit the Liberace Museum in Vegas
*Meet Chuck Norris
Sunday
*Attend Mass
POPE BENEDICT SUSPECT IN RASH OF WASHINGTON D.C. ROBBERIES, GIANT KEY TO CITY USED TO ACCESS HOMES, BANK VAULTS
WASHINGTON - Washington D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty has issued a plea to Pope Benedict XVI to turn himself into police tonight after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest in connection with a series of burglaries in the Washington D.C. metropolitan area. Since Tuesday, numerous civic and financial institutions have suffered incalculable losses in a string of after-hours break-ins. No signs of forced entry were apparent to investigators, leading police to conclude that the perpetrator must have access to each of the buildings.
Mayor Fenty, who presented the Pope with a key to the city during a ceremony last Tuesday, was clearly upset. "When I gave the key to His Holiness, I asked him to be careful about who he gave it to. I want to remind all of you that the Pope has not been charged with a crime. I'm sure there is a very simple explanation for how so much money, art, jewels, and cars could have been stolen in such a short period of time and with such relative ease, and I'm certain that explanation does not implicate the Pontiff or his recently obtained key that opens every lock from Arlington to Bethesda."
BENEDICT TIRES EARLY AT NATIONAL’S PARK; RELIEF PRIEST ENTERS MASS, BAILS OUT PONTIFF
(Washington , D.C. ) - Pope Benedict XVI struggled in the early stages of the inaugural mass celebrated at National’s Park yesterday before giving way to a relief priest after finishing the liturgy of the word. Veteran right-hander Father John Sweeney entered the pulpit just before the recitation of the Creed and remained in the Mass until the final blessing. Father Sweeney gets credit for a save.
Archbishop Donald Wuerl, who is managing the Papal visit, said he thought the emotion and energy of the occasion may have affected the rookie Pope. “This early in the liturgical season, a lot of Popes tend to over-preach, and I think Benedict was guilty of that today.” Archbishop Wuerl provided another excuse for the Papal fatigue. “He was saying Mass on only four days rest. In hindsight, we probably shouldn’t have moved him up in the rotation.”
Speaking to reporters gathered around his locker room stall following the Mass, Pope Benedict expressed feelings of disappointment and relief. “I knew by the time I finished the homily I didn’t have much in the tank,” he said. “But I’ve got all the confidence in the world in my teammates. Father Sweeney really picked me up out there today.” The Pope said he would spend the next forty-eight hours looking at film and working on his mechanics. “A lot of people came to the park today expecting to see me go the distance,” he said. “I’ve got to take a better approach next time.”
U.S. clergymen curry favor with the Pope
'I definitely want to go to heaven, Holy Father!'
'I want to go to heaven more than he does!'
BABY WITH TWO FACES DOING WELL, BEING WORSHIPPED AS HINDU GOD
Child’s first words heard simultaneously in Pennsylvania, San Francisco
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