TEXAS SUPREME COURT SAYS KIDS MUST BE RETURNED TO POLYGAMIST SECT
Ruling declares "children belong with their mothers -- and their molesters"
GM declares employee 'buyout' a success, next plans employee 'giveaway': one employee to be given away with every car
DETROIT - General Motors Corporation's employee buyout was a greater success than anticipated, with some 19,000 employees opting for a buyout or early retirement.To further reduce headcount, GM announced today that starting July 1, it will throw in one GM employee with every new car sold. Some larger model SUV's and Cadillacs will come with two employees.
"This not only will make the customer feel as if he is getting something for free, it will help reduce GM's crippling labor costs," said Velveeta Lugosi, a company spokeswoman. "The only thing that consumers will need to watch for is that some of these employees have a kind of union mentality and sometimes talk like they're Che Guevara or something. We suggest that the consumer keep that kind of employee locked in the basement, for obvious reasons."
Toledo, Ohio, Block Bugler To Handle Tribune-Review Delivery
The Tribune-Review Publishing Company, publishers of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, reached agreement yesterday with the Toledo, Ohio Block Bugler to deliver the Trib in Allegheny and adjacent counties."By hiring these socialist lackeys and commie-symp lickspittals, we will be better able to serve our loyal readers," said a Tribune- Review spokesman. "These muttonheaded popinjays, with their reflexive hatred of the free market and a strong America will be able to get the Trib to the doorsteps of our loyal, God-fearing American readers in a timely fashion."
The Block Bugler currently delivers The Wall Street Journal in a similar agency agreement which has become increasingly utilized throughout the newspaper publishing industry.
Part of a burgeoning newspaper empire, the Tribune-Review reaches an estimated 8 million homes in the City of Pittsburgh with an additional 42 million subscribers in Allegheny, Beaver, Butler, Armstrong and Yoknapatawpha Counties. The Bugler, published by a cadre of fascistic imbeciles who hew the corporate welfare line of such statist poltroons as Jim Rohr, has an estimated circulation of nine.
"We are looking forward to a long, fruitful era of cooperation with these economics-brainless ninnies," the spokesman added.
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS STAGE 'WHITE-OUT' FOR STANLEY CUP FINALS AT MELLON ARENA
500 local Ku Klux Klan members get a chance to attend their first hockey game
McCAIN'S PHYSICIAN GIVES HIM CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH
"He should be around through August, at least," says doctor
EX-PRESS SECRETARY SCOTT McCLELLAN: 'BELIEVE WHAT I SAY NOW, NOT WHAT I SAID ALL THOSE TIMES BACK THEN'
"Now that I'm selling a book for $27.95, you can totally believe me this time."
'NUTBALL' RECOGNIZED AS OLYMPIC SPORT
Nutball, the sport popularized by the Jackass television series on MTV, was recognized as an official Olympic sport yesterday, just in time for the summer games in Beijing. Nutball requires at least two and up to twelve players to sit on the floor facing each other with their legs spread apart. Each player takes a turn tossing a ball at another player's testicles with the goal of forcing the other players to leave the game due to an inability to withstand the pain. The last player remaining wins.
The sport achieved widespread popularity on U.S. college campuses starting in the late 1990s, but most Nutball teams eventually fell victim to Title IX's ax that eliminated hundreds of men's sports in the interest of achieving gender equality. Many colleges tried to field women's Nutball teams but quickly found that the games never ended because no players were ever eliminated.
In an official statement, the Chinese government welcomed Nutball's inclusion in the Olympic games and lauded the "refreshing spirit of sadistic torture that sets this highly amusing sport apart from the typical dull Western fare where no one gets hurt."
POLITICIAN WANTS STATUE OF LIBERTY'S VAGINA REOPENED FOR FIRST TIME SINCE 9/11
NEW YORK - It's time to reopen the Statue of Liberty's vagina to the public, says Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-Forest Hills).In the aftermath of the September 11 attacks, the National Park Service installed a heavy-gauge steel chastity device to keep the anatomically correct Lady Liberty from being violated by terrorist projectiles.
"We were scared witless that the Lady might be captured by Islamic Fascists who would have their way with her," explained National Park Service Director Noah Swayne. "One can only imagine the diseases those Mideastern fanatics would have transmitted with their big, ugly missiles."
The chastity belt not only kept the terrorists out, it kept the public out as well. It has never been removed, much to the disappointment of thousands of visitors. Jordan Jones, 17, arrived at Liberty Island yesterday after driving all night with five friends from Pittsburgh. "Me and my boys were, like, planning to pay a call on the lady's inner sanctum, dude," Mr. Jones explained.
Waiting in line, Mr. Jones sneaked a spray of breath freshener and his friends combed their hair. But their hopes were shattered by a park ranger who explained to them that "that part" of the statue is still not open to the public. The boys let loose a string of expletives, then consoled themselves with a visit to the first mammary glands of liberty, a little higher up.
Rep. Weiner says it's time to remove the chastity belt. "For generations of red-blooded American boys, a visit to Lady Liberty's fish factory has been a rite of passage," he explained in a written statement. "Unlike the terrorists, the only thing infectious about these boys are their high jinks and youthful exuberance."
"As long as Lady Liberty's vagina remains closed," Representative Wiener added, "the Islamo-Fascists win, and the average American teen male loses."
OBITUARY: INVENTOR OF APPLE PIE IS DEAD AT 86
PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne was a man of multi-faceted accomplishments but the one thing he could not do was bake. "It's one of history's great ironies that a man who could not bake is responsible for the quitessential American dessert, apple pie," said President Bush in a statement released shortly after Mr. Swayne's death yesterday at 86."He loved apples, and he loved pie, and one day he said, 'I'm going to combine the two,'" explained his widow Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne. "Well, we all thought he had flipped. But Noah had a vision, and he went after it."
Although best known for the famous dessert, which for many years was referred to as "Swayne Pie" before he insisted it be called by its generic name, Mr. Swayne was also responsible for numerous other inventions the world now takes for granted. It was his idea, for example, to make only one side of Scotch Tape sticky. He also invented the extension cord, shirt cardboard, the two-slotted toaster and the bendy straw. Of all his inventions, the one he was most proud of was the "take-a-penny, leave-a-penny" dish, now found in stores around the world. It's official name is the Swayne Dish. Mr. Swayne received a royalty on every penny that went in or out of a dish, said his widow.
"Although he refused to talk about it, Noah also headed the team that developed the first atomic bomb," said his widow. "One day, President Truman called the house and said he wanted to name it the Swayne Bomb, but Noah refused. Noah told the President it should be named after the atom; after all, Noah said, he couldn't have destroyed two Japanese cities without it."
Swayne died doing what he loved most, waiting on customers at his hardware store in Brentwood. "I was at the counter, and Noah opened the cash register, but suddenly he slumped over," said customer Bob Haas. "With his last once of strength, he shut the drawer so I couldn't steal any money."
Swayne's sole request upon his death was that his funeral be conducted at Rodef Shalom Synagogue in Squirrel Hill. "He wasn't a Jew," said his widow, " but he always said it would be neat if everybody thought he was."
McCAIN, OBAMA IN AGREEMENT: HATRED, PREJUDICE HAVE NO PLACE IN PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
". . . Those things should stay where they belong," candidates declare, "-- in the sermons of Christian pastors."
'Sex and the City' Spoiler: Carrie renounces Feminism, Runs Off to Marry Hugh Beaumont
Final scene: Carrie in dress and pearls serving dinner to Wally, Beaver and Hugh Beaumont
SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL: "BARACK OBAMA FONDLED MY BREAST!"
Democratic frontrunner's alleged assault caught on filmThe parents of a six-year-old New Mexico girl today accused Illinois Senator Barack Obama of inappropriately touching their daughter during a recent campaign stop in Albuquerque.
"Senator Obama fondled my daughter's breast," said an angry Noah Swayne as he emerged from Albuquerque Police Headquarters. "I knew the man wasn't a patriot, but I had no idea he was such a pervert."
The girl's mother, Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, showed reporters a digital photo she took of the alleged molestation. "He walked up to her and said, 'Hi,sweetie,'" Ms. Lugosi-Swayne explained, "and the next thing we knew, his hands were all over her chest."
The Swaynes, who said they were late for an appointment with their lawyer, declined further comment. Albuquerque Police would only say they were "investigating whether the big, scary black man really did molest that poor, helpless little white girl."
A few minutes after the Swaynes filed their police report, the National Organization for Women released a statement demanding that Senator Obama withdraw from the presidential race. "We don't know for sure that he sexually assaulted that child," NOW President Kim Gandy said, "but we're going to assume that he did. And we certainly don't want another predatory male in the White House."
Senator Hillary Clinton, asked about the emerging scandal at a campaign appearance in Puerto Rico, let out a small yelp and declared, "This is exactly why I've been hanging around. Assassination, molestation -- they're all the same to me!"
Senator Obama, who was believed to be seeking guidance from his new spiritual advisor, could not be reached for comment. A campaign spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, promised that the Senator would address the controversy next week with a "landmark speech on rape."
RESTORED PRINT OF ZAPRUDER FILM RELEASED WITH MIKE LANGE NARRATION
DALLAS - A newly restored print of the Zapruder film is being released nationwide this week, with narration provided by Pittsburgh Penguins radio announcer Mike Lange. The film is being rushed to theaters in an attempt to cash in on the traditional start of the summer movie season and the finals of the National Hockey League’s Stanley Cup playoffs. A trailer for the film has received over ten million hits on YouTube. In the trailer, Mr. Lange is heard broadcasting the Kennedy assassination. “Hear comes the motorcade, through Dealey Plaza , past the grassy knoll, near the Book Depository, one man to beat, Oswald shoots, HE SCORESSSSSS! [Sound of siren wailing] OH MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MOTORCYCLE! LEE HARVEY OSWALD BRINGS THE NEW FRONTIER TO AN END! AND YOU’VE GOT TO BE HERE TO BELIEVE IT!”
Mr. Lange said he was grateful for the opportunity to participate in the project. “I know that Pirates play-by-play man Greg Brown was the first choice of the Zapruder family, but he was unavailable. I’m glad they gave me a chance.” NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said he approved of Mr. Lange’s involvement. “I think it’s great for our league. It’s great publicity. Mike has been on the air for over thirty years describing accounts of some of the most violent acts in history. He was an obvious choice.”
BUSH LAYS "VERY PERSONAL" MEMORIAL AT ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY
"This wreath is a solemn reminder," the President said, "of the sacrifices we've all made for the war."
Obama fills in for Kennedy delivering commencement address, carousing at Boston bars, hitting on women
MIDDLETOWN, Conn. - On Saturday afternoon, Barack Obama stood in for Senator Edward Kennedy, who was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor last week, when he delivered the commencement address at Wesleyan University. On Saturday night, Obama filled in for Kennedy by taking over his rounds carousing at more than a dozen Boston taverns, hitting on young women at each of them.
"I am honored that my mentor, a true champion of the poor and the thirsty, asked me to fill in for him during a time of need," Obama told tavern patrons at The Quill, a Boston establishment. Obama gulped down a beer, then turned to three young women to ask for their phone numbers.
"Hello there, sweeties. If you'd all give me your phone numbers, you would be helping me honor Senator Kennedy."
Clinton: 'I'm staying in, because you never know what might happen . . .'
". . . Some crazy bitch might come after [Obama] with a cleaver while the two of them are debating."
WASHINGTON - Hillary Clinton said she could not understand calls for her to quit the presidential race, arguing that history showed that "something might happen" to the frontrunner, Barack Obama.
"He might be run over by a bus," she explained. "Or he might accidentally be incinerated; he might be gunned down by vicious gangs because, we all know how those people are; a meteor might hit him; and, of course, a crazy bitch might come after him with a meat cleaver while they're debating."
"One way or the other, I'm going to get this nomination, whether the voters like it or not," she added.
WASHINGTON - Hillary Clinton said she could not understand calls for her to quit the presidential race, arguing that history showed that "something might happen" to the frontrunner, Barack Obama."He might be run over by a bus," she explained. "Or he might accidentally be incinerated; he might be gunned down by vicious gangs because, we all know how those people are; a meteor might hit him; and, of course, a crazy bitch might come after him with a meat cleaver while they're debating."
"One way or the other, I'm going to get this nomination, whether the voters like it or not," she added.
OBAMA LAYS SINGLE FLOWER AT MEMORIAL DAY SERVICE
"One for every time that Michelle has been proud of America," the Illinois Senator explained
Clinton 'holds no bitterness' toward Kennedy for backing Obama, snags endorsement of Sirhan Sirhan
WASHINGTON - Hillary Clinton said she "bears no animosity" toward Senator Edward Kennedy for endorsing Barack Obama and today announced that Jordanian immigrant and assassin of Senator Robert Kennedy Sirhan Sirhan has endorsed her."Mr. Sirhan is a well-known voice from an historic time in our history," Clinton said in a prepared statement. "Aside from a single, momentary lapse of judgment, he has led a life free of any misconduct, at least any misconduct that the average member of the general public knows about. For that reason, the Clinton campaign embraces his backing."
Later, Clinton was asked if the endorsement was intended as an affront to Sen. Edward Kennedy. "It is what it is," she smirked. She added that Mr. Sirhan pled guilty to the murder of Robert Kennedy only because he knew he could not receive a fair trial in Los Angeles. "Sirhan asked for a change of venue," Mrs. Clinton explained, "but the judge thought he said 'change of menu.' So the judge ordered the prison cafeteria to serve him Chinese."
Analysts say the endorsement could counteract the recent endorsements of Senator Obama by Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones.
PIRATES THREATEN TO LEAVE TOWN UNLESS THEY GET NEW BALLPARK
Team unveils proposed new stadium
Pirates’ owner Bob Nutting said today that if the Pirates don’t get a new publicly funded ballpark within five years, the team will leave town.
Nutting wants the team to move into a cavernous, multi-purpose stadium with artificial turf, where the fans are far away from the action and there are no distracting views of the city skyline. “Fans won’t even realize they’re watching baseball in Pittsburgh,” he explained. “All they’ll see are seats.”“
Previous ownership didn’t realize that Three Rivers Stadium was perfect,” said Nutting, who promised that a new stadium would allow the team to be more competitive. “I can’t wait for the implosion party when we tear down that PNC Park dump.”
NEW ORLEANS POLICE OFFICER DRIVES CAR OFF END OF BRIDGE
Authorities suspect he may have done it as a show of support for Ted Kennedy
GUS CHECKS INTO REHABILITATION CLINIC; PENNSYLVANIA ’S SECOND MOST-FAMOUS GROUNDHOG HAS GAMBLING ADDICTION
(Harrisburg) - Gus, the popular spokesrodent for the Pennsylvania Lottery, admitted himself into a Gambling Addiction Recovery Center yesterday. Pennsylvania Lottery Chairman Albert Gerthoffer confirmed that Gus has asked for, and received, a temporary leave of absence from his duties so that he “can get his life together.” The request was made after a weekend altercation between Gus and a convenience store clerk on North Front Street. According to the clerk, Gus became agitated when the “Scratch and Win” tickets he was purchasing failed to yield even a single prize. The clerk, who would not give his name, estimated that Gus spent between three and four thousand dollars in the store over several hours. “He kept muttering ‘keep on scratchin, got to keep on scratchin’ and every time he came up with a big zero, he started swearing a blue streak. I finally told him I was going to call the police, and he lunged at my throat.”
The clerk said he sustained minor puncture wounds on his hand, which he raised to shield himself from the groundhog’s teeth. He was taken to the Dwyer Medical Center for treatment, and was later released. Mr. Gerthoffer spoke to reporters in his Capitol office last evening. “Our prayers go out to Gus and his family,” he said. “I know that all citizens of this Commonwealth join me in hoping that Gus gets the help he needs and is back on duty working for the lottery soon.” Mr. Gerthoffer added that proceeds from the Pennsylvania lottery benefit senior citizens.
City to open North Shore connector tunnel so fans can watch Stanley Cup away games
The city is exploring the possibility of opening the North Shore connector tunnel being dug under the Allegheny River by a giant tunnel-boring machine so fans can go there to watch the Stanley Cup final games played in Detroit."A plus is that the tunnel can hold a lot of fans," explained Mayor Ravenstahl. "The minus is that it's really spooky down there."
PENGUINS BROADCASTER MIKE LANGE RELEASES LIST OF 2008 STANLEY CUP FINALS CATCH-PHRASES
10) HE WENT DOWN LIKE A CHINESE SKYSCRAPER!
9) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HILLARY HAS JUST LEFT THE BUILDING!
8) DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ONORATO!
7) FREDO, YOU BROKE MY HEART!
6) I AM THE WAY, AND THE TRUTH, AND THE LIGHT!
5) I’VE FALLEN, AND I CAN’T GET UP!
4) TAKE ONE MORE STEP AND I’LL SHOOT!
3) I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN, BUT ARNOLD SLICK FROM TURTLE CREEK DID!
2) BUY SAM A DRINK, AND GET ONE FOR SENATOR KENNEDY, TOO!
1) GOD DAMN THE RED WINGS!
9) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HILLARY HAS JUST LEFT THE BUILDING!
8) DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ONORATO!
7) FREDO, YOU BROKE MY HEART!
6) I AM THE WAY, AND THE TRUTH, AND THE LIGHT!
5) I’VE FALLEN, AND I CAN’T GET UP!
4) TAKE ONE MORE STEP AND I’LL SHOOT!
3) I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN, BUT ARNOLD SLICK FROM TURTLE CREEK DID!
2) BUY SAM A DRINK, AND GET ONE FOR SENATOR KENNEDY, TOO!
1) GOD DAMN THE RED WINGS!
FEDERAL COURT RULES THAT TELEVISION BROADCASTS DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE BLIND
Instead of switching to digital, all tv signals now ordered to go dark in February 2009
This is a true story . . .
PLEASANT HILLS FIRST MUNICIPALITY IN NATION TO INCLUDE BIRDS' NESTS IN BUILDING CODEStarting June 1, all new nest construction and major nest renovations in Pleasant Hills, Pennsylvania must abide by the borough's building code.
"If a bird is just bringing a few new twigs to a pre-existing nest, I'm not going to get excited about that," explained building inspector Samuel Blatchford. "What this code is aimed at is new construction. If you're a bird building a new nest this spring, you need to bring me a check for $500."
Blatchford will hold a seminar in the Pleasant Hills Arboretum tonight at 7:00 p.m. aimed at birds considering building a nest in the near future. "There's a lot of new material in this code that they need to be aware of. For example, what kinds of pliable materials are acceptable for the walls? Twigs and plant fibers are generally OK, but grasses are a big no-no. Sanitation is also a major issue because some of these birds are absolutely filthy creatures, if you'll pardon my saying so. I have to be honest, any time one of them hands me money, I run and wash my hands because you just don't know where it's been."
Blatchford expects to raise close to $100,000 this year from nest permits, assuming most birds comply with the law.
FEDERAL COURT RULES AUDIO-ONLY BROADCASTS WILL DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE DEAF
All tv and radio programming after February 2009 to be disseminated in books and leaflets (with braille)
HANS BLIX LOCATES MISSING MATTER IN UNIVERSE
"It's the first thing I've ever actually found," admits former chief UN arms inspectorWASHINGTON, D.C. - Hans Blix, lured out of retirement to help NASA astronomers locate the missing matter in the universe, announced today that he's found most of it.
Blix, the former chief UN arms inspector in Iraq who claimed he could find no evidence that Saddam Hussein harbored weapons of mass destruction, said it's the first thing he's ever actually found.
"What I do best is not find things that aren't there," said Blix. "I'm frankly amazed that I was able to find the missing matter -- or anything else."
"It was the damnedest thing where we found it," Blix revealed. "It was right there in Baghdad. Isn't that ironic?"
DOCTOR APOLOGIZES FOR TED KENNEDY MISDIAGNOSIS; MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR SUFFERING FROM RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME, NOT BRAIN TUMOR
BOSTON - The physician treating Senator Kennedy issued an apology last night for releasing what he called an “incorrect diagnosis” of the affliction that sent the Massachusetts Senator to the hospital this past weekend. “As it turns out, the Senator is not – I repeat, not – suffering from a malignant brain tumor,” said Dr. Larry Ronan, the Senator’s primary care doctor. “He’s just got a bad case of restless leg syndrome.” Dr. Ronan blamed the mistake on an intern in the neurology department of St. Eligius Hospital. “Apparently, this guy was looking at the results of the Senator’s MRI upside down.” 'Good laugh'
Dr. Ronan admitted that everybody in the Neurology Department “had a good laugh” until it was revealed that the erroneous information was released to the public. “We all felt horrible about it,” he said. “After all the suffering the Kennedy family has endured over the years, to think we were responsible for a little more is so awful.”
'Good will come of it'
Dr. Ronan said he planned on speaking to the intern responsible about examining MRI results at the proper angle. “I think from now on we’re going to put a tag that clearly states ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ on those things.” He added that he believed the Senator would be glad that “some good” had come from this unfortunate incident. The Senator is scheduled to be released from St. Eligius within the next forty-eight hours. He has been advised to refrain from touch football and adultery until he receives medical clearance.
COURT RULES PAPER MONEY DISCRIMINATES AGAINST THE BLIND
Government to issue horses, daughters for more "tangible" barter system
Breaking news: Clinton 'suspected' Ted Kennedy has brain tumor, calls for brains of all other Obama supporters to be tested, too
Obama to Kennedy: "I can heal you." Kennedy: "This explains why I drove off that bridge."WASHINGTON - Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) said she has suspected that Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) has a tumor in his left parietal lobe since his endorsement of Senator Barrack Obama (D-Ill.) for president last January.
"I realized that Senator Kennedy's judgment had been compromised even more so than it normally was," Senator Clinton explained, "and the only logical explanation was a mass on the left parietal lobe."
Clinton demanded that Senator Kennedy's endorsement of Obama be invalidated "because it was the product of a mentally impaired or crazy person," and she called for "the immediate medical testing of the brains of all politicians and superdelegates" who have pledged support for Senator Obama. She said she is not ruling out calling for similar testing of all citizens who voted for Obama.
Senator Clinton added that she extends her prayers to the entire Kennedy family "who also should have their heads examined."
OBAMA DEFENDS WIFE, REFUSES TO DISAVOW HER CONTROVERSIAL COMMENTS
"She's like an old uncle who says things I don't always agree with," the Illinois Senator said. "I can no more disown her than I can disown the black community. Unless she does it again."
Pittsburgh Police on 'high alert': Crosby and Staal to be arrested 'on the spot' if they drink champagne after Stanley Cup win
"This ain't Canada where children are permitted to imbibe adult beverages," said Police Chief Nate Harper.In the event the Pittsburgh Penguins win the Stanley Cup, Pittsburgh police chief Nate Harper said a squadron of police officers will insure that Sidney Crosby, 20, and Jordan Staal, 19, don't drink champagne as part of the team's victory celebration.
"If those boys put so much as a drop of champagne to their lips," Harper explained in a televised news conference, "they will be strip searched on the ice in full view of their adoring fans, then led away in handcuffs. Nothing will send a stronger message to our young people about the gross impropriety of underage drinking than making an example of two overpaid boozeheads." Harper then looked directly into the camera and issued a challenge to Staal. "And, Staal, I know all about what happened in Minnesota," a reference to Staal's arrest last summer for underage drinking and other misconduct at his brother's bachelor party. "You want a piece of me? Come on, punk. Just try it. Just try it."
Harper denied reports that his plan calls for the arresting officers to "rough up" the young men. "It's not part of the official agenda, but if a nightstick happened to land on their [testicles], let's just say I won't cry about it. They will, I won't."
Crosby won't say if he and Staal plan to have a drink in the event the Pens win, but he's already mounting an ironclad legal defense. "We'll ask the judge to try us as adults, then when he says 'OK,' we'll have the charges dismissed because adults are allowed to drink."
REVEREND WRIGHT TO SING “GOD DAMN AMERICA ” DURING SEVENTH INNING STRETCH AT YANKEE STADIUM
NEW YORK - The Reverend Jeremiah Wright, erstwhile spiritual advisor to Illinois Senator Barack Obama, will perform his own interpretation of Irving Berlin’s “God Bless America” at Yankee Stadium during a Memorial Day game against the Boston Red Sox. Reverend Wright will sing “God Damn America” during the seventh inning stretch of next Monday afternoon’s contest. “I know that tempers are going to be short already, what with the traditional heated nature of this historic rivalry,” said Reverend Wright. “I’m looking forward to raising the temperature even higher.” The Reverend said he was thinking about setting an American flag on fire while he was singing, but hadn’t made up his mind. “Although I think it would improve the overall visual effect, I don’t want to distract attention from my message.”
A spokesman for the Yankees said Reverend Wright had been asked to participate in the traditional seventh inning ceremony by club owner George Steinbrenner. Yankee fans made Berlin’s song a traditional sing along at the stadium following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. A representative for the estate of Irving Berlin said the celebrated composer would “surely be turning in his grave” over the defilement of one of his signature tunes.
Reverend Wright was grateful for the opportunity to express his contempt for our country in a public forum. “Only in America ” he said.
AL GORE DELIVERS CARNEGIE MELLON COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS
Air temperature during his May 18th speech about the dangers of global warming: 52 degrees
THE MOUNTAINEER CALLS FOR RESIGNATION OF WVU PRESIDENT; VOWS TO RETURN HIS DOCTORATE
(Morgantown) - The Mountaineer issued a statement this morning calling for the immediate resignation of embattled WVU President Mike Garrison. “I cannot, in good conscience, continue to carry a musket and dress in authentic frontier costume on behalf of an institution that sacrifices academic integrity for the sake of nepotism,” he said. “I will no longer preside over post-game riots during football or basketball season, nor will I participate in a single couch-burning until Mr. Garrison departs.” Mr. Mountaineer punctuated his remarks by firing a solitary blast of his musket into the air, throwing his coonskin cap to the ground and emitting a blood-curdling shriek.
Mr. Garrison is the principal figure in a scandal involving the fraudulent awarding of a master of business administration degree to Mylan Inc., executive Heather Bresch. Ms. Bresch is the daughter of West Virginia Governor Joseph Manchin. She has also been linked romantically to the Mountaineer. Numerous photos of the two of them together have appeared in the society pages of Morgantown newspapers.
This past Saturday evening, Ms. Bresch accompanied the Mountaineer to the Hog Callers Ball, where they mingled with guests and took turns as a “celebrity caller” during the square dance. Nevertheless, the Mountaineer said he “would not allow his relationship with Ms. Bresch to compromise his position as a representative of West Virginia University.” Mr. Mountaineer vowed to return the doctorate in quantum physics he earned from WVU in protest if Mr. Garrison remains in office.
HUNDREDS OF GAYS CELEBRATE COURT DECISION ALLOWING SAME-SEX MARRIAGE
BUT AN UNIDENTIFIED MAN CLAIMS HE WAS JUST TELLING HIS BROTHER THAT "YOU BROKE MY HEART."
Breakthrough: Scientist sharpens blurry impressionist paintings
PITTSBURGH - Dr. Samuel Blatchford, the inventor of digital photography, has perfected a software program that will, for the first time, turn blurry impressionist paintings into photographic-like images marked by crystal clarity."Monet, Renoir, Degas -- these are some of the greatest artists the world has ever known," explained Dr. Blatchford, "but, unfortunately, they always seemed to be in such a damn rush -- like they never had time to do it right -- that their creations invariably came out blurry."
"It's that indistinct quality, the fuzziness, that turns everybody off about their stuff and keeps them from being considered alongside the great masters," said Dr. Blatchford.
All that's about to change, Dr. Blatchford said. For starters, he's spent the past eleven months "Blatchfordizing" Monet's entire body of work. Pictured here is a "before" and "after" comparison of Monet's 1878 classic Impression: Boys Peeing. "Now, you are able to see the boys exactly as they looked when Monet painted them taking a whiz," Dr. Blatchford said. "My corrected image provides so much detail, it's so vivid, you can practically reach out and grab their asses -- not that I would ever have any desire to grab their asses; I mean, why would I want to grab some young guy's ass? Only if I were a pervert would I want to grab their asses, especially the cute dude on the left -- and I say 'cute' only because that's what a pervert would think. Just so everybody's clear, the hunk on the left absolutely disgusts me because I hate, hate, hate young guys, and their asses and the smell of their urine -- it's disgusting to me as a heterosexual man."
Dr. Blatchford rejected concerns of critics that he's tampering with art without the artist's permission. "If they think this is bad, just wait until they see Van Gogh's stuff in 3-D," Dr. Blatchford chuckled.
JOHN MCCAIN CAUGHT ON TAPE IN ROMANTIC EMBRACE WITH AUNT PENNY; AUTOMOBILE SPOKESWOMAN, REPUBLICAN NOMINEE LEAD PAPARAZZI ON HIGH-SPEED CHASE
(Pittsburgh ) - Arizona Senator John McCain, the presumptive nominee of the Republican party in this fall's presidential election, was caught on film in a passionate embrace with a woman who is not his wife. The tape was broadcast last night on all three networks. The woman in question, known to millions as Aunt Penny, matriarch of a famous Western Pennsylvania automobile dealership, was confronted by reporters as she left a downtown parking garage this morning. A man with white hair appeared to be cowering behind the passenger seat in the back of the vehicle, but refused to speak when asked to identify himself. Aunt Penny refused to comment on the authenticity of the tape, saying only that she considered Senator McCain “a dear friend.” Aunt Penny did confirm that while the Senator languished in a North Vietnamese prison for more than five years, she faithfully sent him shipments of her famous elderberry preserves through the Red Cross. In his 2005 autobiography, the Senator credited those preserves as giving him the will to live.
When pressed for further details on the nature of their relationship, Aunt Penny hit the accelerator and pulled out, tires screeching. She was last seen heading for the Liberty Tubes, trailed by numerous paparazzi riding motorcycles. A person answering the phones at Kenny Ross and Sons Chevrolet, where Aunt Penny works, said the venerable pitchwoman “was out of the office today.” Her whereabouts remain unknown.
OBAMA DECLARES HIMSELF A SUPERDELEGATE
"I'm going to endorse myself," the Illinois Senator said, "and then I'm going to stop John McCain from destroying Metropolis."
MIKE TOMLIN DELIVERS MEMORABLE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT ST. VINCENT
Coach says he can’t remember a word of what speaker said at his own graduation; unleashes a torrent of obscenities so “you will always remember this day”LATROBE --- When Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was asked to deliver the commencement address at St. Vincent College last week, he wasn’t sure what he was going to say.
“I interviewed 89 prospective Steelers before the draft, and asked each of them what their commencement speaker had said to them,” Tomlin said today. “They had no idea.”
Determined to create a memorable speech, Tomlin threw himself into the task with his usual intensity. “First I read I am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe to get a sense of current-day campus life. One thing really stuck out for me: what Wolfe calls the 'f*ck patois' of today’s students. I figured if I spoke their language, they’d be more likely to remember what I said years from now.”
After making some inoffensive remarks acknowledging parents, faculty and trustees, Tomlin launched into an obscenity-laced motivational speech, which cannot be reprinted here. Gasps could be heard from the audience.
H. James Towey, President of St. Vincent, said he had no idea that Tomlin had planned such a speech. “Clearly, we should have requested a transcript beforehand,” Towey said. “We had to cut the live-feed of our ceremonies on the Internet.” St. Vincent’s website was a blank blue screen until Tomlin’s remarks ended.
Student reaction was more positive. “Holy sh*t, that was a f*ing awesome speech,” business major Noah Swayne, Jr. said. “That f*cking dude is great, man. I’m glad they didn’t pick some a**hole to give some boring speech. We don’t need that sh*t. F*ck that.”
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