Disembodied voice of Tim Russert guides interim 'Meet the Press' host Tom Brokaw
"Use the force, Tom! Use the force!"
FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: June 30, 1938
ADOLPH HITLER TO VISIT WALTONS' MOUNTAIN; NAZI LEADER LOOKING AT PROPERTY FOR RETIREMENT HOME FOLLOWING WORLD CONQUEST(Charlottesville) - Adolph Hitler, Supreme Leader of the German people, announced that he will visit Walton’s Mountain this summer to explore the possibility of building his retirement home in this archetypical rural community. The announcement was made by Mr. Hitler’s Minister of Propaganda, Dr. Joseph Goebbels.
“The Fuehrer is looking at several locations,” he said. “Nothing is definite yet.” Dr. Goebbels said there were a number of issues that needed to be resolved before a decision is reached. “We’re in the middle of planning a World War right now, and that’s taking up a lot of time.”
It is believed that Mr. Hitler is interested in building on Walton’s Mountain because it would allow him to utilize the lumber mill owned and operated on site by the men of the Walton family. “And, when you factor in that we’ll be using slave labor, we’ll really be able to keep costs down,” said Dr. Goebbels. Informed of the imminent Hitler visit, members of the Walton clan could barely contain their excitement. Grandpa Walton said he couldn’t wait to bore the worlds most famous National Socialist with tales of his youthful adventures with former President Theodore Roosevelt. Mama Walton wondered if Mr. Hitler wouldn’t enjoy some of her delicious peach cobbler, and John-Boy Walton said he’d be “pleased as all get-out to write a few speeches” for the man who might someday be their neighbor.
Pittsburgh's troubled River Rescue fleet taps Captain Quint
Pittsburgh’s troubled River Rescue fleet has turned to veteran helmsman Captain Quint to take command of the unit.
The crusty old salt got the job after screeching his fingernails on a blackboard during a city council meeting, causing some council members to think that former Mayor Masloff was speaking.
Captain Quint agreed to assume command of the fleet on condition that all the River Rescue vessels be scrapped in favor of his seasoned boat, The Orca, and that the entire crew be fired. “There are too many captains on this island,” he explained.
Captain Quint scoffed at suggestions that he is going to need a bigger boat and insisted that his vessel can handle any size shark that might surface on the Ohio River.
ELIOT SPITZER CELEBRATES FOUR MONTHS WITHOUT USING A PROSTITUTE; EX-NEW YORK GOVERNOR DECLARES: 'I’VE BEATEN MY ADDICTION TO HOOKERS'
(New York) - A smiling Eliot Spitzer greeted reporters at the entrance to his Manhattan residence this morning and proudly announced that he has gone four months without using the services of a prostitute. Mr. Spitzer was flanked by his wife, Silda. “I am happy to state that at this point in my recovery, I am totally hooker-free.” Mr. Spitzer, who resigned as Governor of New York following revelations that he engaged in a series of pay-for-sex trysts at the Mayflower Hotel with a woman named Ashley Dupre, said he now realizes the sordid activities he participated in weren’t his fault.
“I have a serious illness, and that illness frequently compels me to engage in depraved sexual acts with a woman who isn’t my wife.” Mr. Spitzer said the first part of the healing process was accepting the fact that he was a victim. “I just didn’t want to believe it. I’m a normal, healthy, middle-aged American male with a successful law practice, Governor of the Empire State , a great future in politics. How could this happen to me? How do I come down with something that makes me want to shack up with a woman half my age, a woman who does sick, twisted, amazing things that would make the hair on Hugh Hefner’s back stand at attention?” he asked.
Mr. Spitzer said only after circumstances forced him to accept the fact that he was afflicted with an insidious disease could he give the matter serious reflection. “It took some time, but I’ve finally forgiven myself.”
Special effects maestro’s death leaves Al Gore in limbo
The death of special effects wizard Stan Winston leaves the status of former Vice President Al Gore uncertain.
Winston, who created the visual effects for “Jurassic Park” and “Aliens,” also animated the Al Gore puppet, which was so realistic that it ran for the presidency and received more popular votes than George W. Bush in 2000.
Winston, who created the visual effects for “Jurassic Park” and “Aliens,” also animated the Al Gore puppet, which was so realistic that it ran for the presidency and received more popular votes than George W. Bush in 2000.
The Al Gore puppet is now being stored in a closet awaiting the decision of its handlers either to retain a new special effects firm to animate it or to sell it on eBay.
Catholic Bishop David Zubik selected for jury duty in criminal case, assures counsel 'I'll be fair'
"I will even make myself available to hear the confessions of the depraved, wantonly degenerate criminals. And I promise not to prejudge them."
HANK STEINBRENNER: DAD'S HEALTH SO BAD, HE “NO LONGER REMEMBERS WHAT AN ASSHOLE HE WAS”
(Pittsburgh) - Hank Steinbrenner, son of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, said his father’s health has deteriorated to the point that he no longer remembers what an asshole he was. George Steinbrenner, who is rumored to be suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, hasn’t spoken to the media for months. His last public appearance was on opening day at Yankee Stadium this season, where he was observed instructing his limousine driver to “cut it close to the curb” so as to splash water from an overflowing sewer onto a homeless invalid panhandler. Hank Steinbrenner told reporters that he hasn’t heard his father yell at anyone in several months. “The other day, a busboy walked by him on the way to clear a table, and his cufflink was crooked. There was a time when Dad would have upbraided this slob with a torrent of obscenities, before throwing him out on the street. And then calling immigration authorities to have his entire family deported. But those days are gone,” he sighed, before dissolving in tears. He quickly regained his composure, barking at a Pirates intern who brought him the wrong tissue. “What the hell’s the matter with you? I only use Puffs! Do you hear me, boy? Get Nutting on the line!”
After placing a call to the Pirates owner, Steinbrenner grew wistful. “I know Dad has built quite a legacy,” he said. “If I only turn out to be half the asshole he was, that’ll be fine by me.”
ZOO OFFICIALS: FEMALE ELEPHANTS PLANNED TO GET PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME
Both Moja and Savannah days away from giving birth; will raise their babies together
George Carlin Tribute
ABC, CBS, NBC to celebrate George Carlin's legacy with special episodes of "Law and F*cking Order," "How I Met Your Motherf*cker" and "Shit! I'm Lost"
MAZ SAYS HE WAS ON LSD WHEN HE HIT GAME-WINNING HOMER IN 1960 SERIES; HALL-OF-FAMER CLAIMS HE GOT IT FROM DANNY MURTAUGH
PITTSBURGH - Hall of Fame second baseman Bill Mazeroski made a startling admission to reporters prior to last night's Pirates game. “I was on LSD when I hit that home run in sixty,” he said. “I don’t remember a thing about it.” Speaking to a media assemblage in town for the Pirates-Yankees three game interleague series, Mr. Mazeroski revealed hitherto unknown facts about the game, the home run, and his introduction to hallucinogenic drugs.
“Danny Murtaugh turned me on to it,” he said, referring to the Pirates manager. “He was always kidding me, telling me I was too uptight, calling me a square. He gave it to me during infield practice before the game. He told me it would make me see things I’d never seen before. He was right.” Mr. Mazeroski said Mr. Murtaugh obtained the LSD from his good friend, Timothy Leary. “Danny and Timmy hung out together for a long time,” he said. “Matter of fact, they shared a room in Haight-Ashbury for many years.”
Mr. Mazeroski said he knows his willingness to share such an unsavory piece of information may tarnish what for many baseball fans is one of the game's greatest moments. “But you know what? I’ve walked around for almost fifty years pretending. People never get tired of asking, but I’m sick of lying about it. I wish I could recall the moment, but the truth is, I spent the whole afternoon higher than the Cathedral of Learning. I didn’t come down from that trip for weeks.”
PETER PAN GROWS UP, BLAMES BARRY BONDS' TRAINER
Last weekend, Peter Pan, the magical boy "who wouldn't grow up," experienced a three-inch growth spurt and sprouted facial and chest hair for the first time, leading him to panic in a voice that noticeably cracked, "I've lost my cachet, I'm becoming a man!"
Mr. Pan attributed the sudden onset of puberty to his use of a clear substance and a cream that he received from his personal strength trainer, Greg Anderson, who also previously served as Barry Bonds' trainer. Anderson told Mr. Pan that the substances were the nutritional supplement flaxseed oil and a rubbing balm for arthritis when, in reality, they were anabolic steroids. Friends say that Mr. Pan is "livid" and determined to "sue Anderson's ass off."
Since the growth spurt, Mr. Pan reportedly spends every night at a local strip club satisfying a sudden interest in girls.
17 Girls at a Massachusetts High School Enter Into 'Pregnancy Pact'
Local boys get wind of it, thus far 472 have signed up to assist.
Yankees came to town, couldn’t find Forbes Field
The New York Yankees came to Pittsburgh for the first time since they lost to the Bucs in the 1960 World Series and got lost trying to find Forbes Field. Forbes Field was torn down in 1970, and the Forbes Quadrangle, a building of the University of Pittsburgh, was erected on the site. Yankees captain Derek Jeter said the team entered a door they thought was the visitor’s clubhouse “but all of a sudden we were taking a midterm in Intro to Poly Sci 101.”
+of+carbolic_poptaze%5B1%5D-1.JPG)
Yankees Celebrate Impending Sweep of Pirates in 3-Day Visit
NEW YORK -- A jubilant New York Yankees hugged, popped open champagne bottles and thrust high-fives into the air yesterday as they celebrated an impending three-day sweep of the Pittsburgh Pirates.“I can’t begin to tell you the emotions I’m feeling right now,” said a tearful first baseman Jason Giambi. “I’m going to collect myself, call home and talk to my wife and pinch myself.”
The Yankees are scheduled to play the Pirates at Pittsburgh’s PNC Park June 24 through 26.
The team clubhouse erupted in cheers and wild celebrating yesterday after Yankees manager Joe Torre reminded them of the upcoming road trip following Sunday’s 4-1 win over Cincinnati.
“This is the kind of moment you spend your career building to,” said rookie second baseman Robinson Cano, who said that as a youngster growing up in the Dominican Republican “I always knew that however hard my life could be, there would be the Pittsburgh Pirates.”
New York police struggled last night to control fans who rushed into the city streets in a spontaneous outpouring of happiness at word of the impending rout.
“I’ve seen these things before, but this time there’s a real sense of elation,” said cabbie Achmar O’Brien. “New Yorker’s know how to celebrate, but they’ve gotta be given something to celebrate about. This is definitely it.”
Mayor Michael Bloomberg sent a telegram of congratulations to the team on hearing of the forthcoming sweep.
“All New York is again proud of this team and we salute your upcoming accomplishments,” the mayor said.
ANTON CHIGUHR IS LARRY KING'S GUEST TONIGHT
LARRY: Our next guest is hitman Anton Chiguhr whose new book, "Anton's Way," details a life in crime. Anton, do people still rely on hitmen out your way?
ANTON: What way would that be?
LARRY: Well, the back of your book says you're from Dallas, and that's the only research I did in advance of this interview . . .
ANTON: What business is it of yours where I'm from, friendo?
LARRY: Don't get so touchy, Anton. Let's take some calls. Phoenix, go ahead.
CALLER: Hello, who is this?
ANTON: You know who it is.
CALLER: Ah, well, I just wanted to ask . . .
ANTON: You know how this is going to turn out, don't you?
CALLER: Um, I'm not sure what you mean by that . . .
ANTON: I think you do. So this is what I'll offer. You bring me the money and I'll let her go. Otherwise she's accountable. The same as you. That's the best deal you're going to get. I won't tell you you can save yourself because you can't.
LARRY: Ah, Anton -- Anton, is something wrong?
ANTON: With what?
LARRY: With anything?
ANTON: Is that what you're asking me? Is there something wrong with anything?
LARRY: Well, I need to, you know, wrap things up, bring the show to a close. So if you'd like to talk about your book . . .
ANTON: What time do you end the show?
LARRY: Now.
ANTON: Now is not a time. What time do you go to bed?
LARRY: About 9:30 I'd say. What has that got to do with . . .
ANTON: ...What's the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?
LARRY: Sir?
ANTON: The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss?
LARRY: Well, I couldn't say . . .
ANTON: (He tosses a coin) Call it.
LARRY: Well - we need to know what it is we're calling for here.
ANTON: You need to call it. I can't call it for you. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't even be right.
LARRY: I didn't put anything up.
ANTON: Yes you did. You been putting it up your whole life. You just didn't know it.
LARRY: Anton, let me ask you, do you have any idea how crazy you are?
ANTON: You mean the nature of this conversation?
LARRY: I mean the nature of you.
[Anton aims his captive bolt pistol at Larry's head and fires it, causing Larry's lifeless body to crumble to the floor]
ANTON: Seattle, go ahead.
CALLER: Is Larry there?
ANTON: Not in the sense that you mean.
McCain calls for $300 million prize to cure jowls
Presumptive Republican nominee also says prizes on quiz show "Jeopardy" need to be "jacked up," calls them a "national disgrace"
FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: June 24, 1961
SAM GIANCANA ENJOYING NEW ROLE AS BOY SCOUT LEADER; REPUTED HEAD OF CHICAGO OUTFIT SAYS HE LOVES WORKING WITH KIDS, KILLINGCHICAGO - Sam “Momo” Giancana, a self-described independent businessman who, according to the Justice Department, is also a murderous member of La Cosa Nostra, called his recent weekend camping trip a complete success. Mr. Giancana has assumed the role of Scoutmaster for a troop of adolescent boys as part of a community service program he was required to enter following his conviction in the manslaughter death of Don “No Knuckles” Deluca.
According to one member of the troop, Mr. Giancana has been an informative, inspirational leader. “Mr. Sam showed us how to start a fire, using only a little kerosene and some rags,” said fifteen--ear old Doug Wagner of Oak Park. “Mr. Sam said you never know when you’ll have to torch a place to collect the insurance.” When this reporter attempted to ascertain young Wagner’s Boy Scout bona fides by asking him to recite the Boy Scout oath, Wagner invoked his Fifth Amendment rights. “I decline to answer on the grounds it may incriminate me,” he said.
Mr. Giancana recounted the details of his first camping trip as a Scout leader during a meeting with the Carbolic Smoke Ball Editorial Board this morning. “Me and the boys took a little ride out to Kane County on Saturday,” said Mr. Giancana. “I had them help me dispose of some garbage.” Mr. Giancana said the garbage was “so important” that it had to be “buried as far away from the city as possible.” He declined to identify the location of the burial site.
Statewide Grand Jury Issues Presentment, Charges Media With Taking Easy Out By Calling Scandal ‘Bonusgate’
HARRISBURG -- A statewide grand jury yesterday recommended charges of widespread cultural crimes and intellectual laziness against the Pennsylvania media for referring to the ongoing scandal surrounding pay bonuses in return for partisan political work as “Bonusgate.”“On or about Jan. 26, 2007, the media first reported a suspicious linkage between large taxpayer funded pay bonuses for select state employees and political work performed by those same employees,” the jury said in a 78-page presentment.
“The lazy bastards immediately started calling it ‘Bonusgate,’ as if adding the suffix ‘gate’ to something automatically labels it as a scandal. It’s as if they couldn’t help themselves.”
In a separate presentment, the jury also recommended charges against a score of newspapers for coverage that predicted the jury would issue indictments.
"Said individuals knew or should have known that grand juries in Pennsylvania do not indict. They issue presentments, which are recommendations for authorities with the power to bring criminal charges to do so," the indic -- er, presentment, said.
Attorney General Tom Corbett, who convened the grand jury after word of the bonuses, said he has issued arrest warrants for reporters Charles Thompson of the Harrisburg Patriot-News, Dennis Roddy and Tracie Mauriello of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Mario Cattabiani of the Philadelphia Inquirer, Brad Bumsted and Debra Erdley of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and several television and radio copy writers.
“Despite clear indications that they knew, or should have known, that you can’t just add ‘gate’ to something and call it a scandal, these individuals conspired to undermine the intellectual well being of countless Pennsylvania citizens who had every right to be safe in their syntax,” Corbett told a thinly attended press conference.
Attorney Jeremiah Klein, who represents several of the journalists and their newspapers, said his clients were victims of “a climate of clarity” and said he would vigorously fight the charges.
“'Bonusgate,' while I am not excusing the term, fits into two column headlines. ‘Payroll Bonus Scandal’ does not. I think we need to understand the atmosphere that led to these cultural offenses."
BE SURE TO PICK UP YOUR TRIB p.m. EVERY MONDAY TO READ THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL PAGE
The finest newspaper in America!
SUPREME COURT AGREES TO ALLOW “ENTRANCE MUSIC” FOR COUNSEL; CHIEF JUSTICE SAYS NEW POLICY WILL MAKE ORAL ARGUMENTS MORE FAN-FRIENDLY
(Washington , D.C.) - In a stunning reversal, the United States Supreme Court issued a ruling yesterday permitting the use of “entrance music” for attorneys arguing before the highest court in the land. The practice of using entrance music is most frequently employed by major league baseball teams, who use entrance music to accompany players entering the batters box. Beginning this fall, counsel will be allotted seven seconds of music before beginning their presentation.
The nine members of the Court themselves will ascend to the bench with a thirty second snippet of the Bobby Fuller Four classic, “I Fought The Law (And The Law Won)." The move is seen by many legal scholars as an attempt to win back fans turned off by the Supreme Court work stoppage last year, which saw the cancellation of the October session for the first time in the Court's two hundred years of existence. Attendance for the Court’s spring session is down, and a short-lived experiment with a so-called “hot-dog toss” between cases was abandoned when Justice Ginsburg sustained facial abrasions after being struck by an errant wiener.
“We owe it to the fans to make the experience of coming out to a Supreme Court argument a memorable event,” wrote Chief Justice Roberts. “At the same time, we need to preserve the dignity of this institution.”
Bill and Hillary Clinton offer plan to unite the Democratic Party
"Hillary will be the nominee and Obama can be her running mate. Then, eight years from now, Hillary will support Obama for President. No, we're perfectly serious."
In Emotional Outpouring, Journalists Mourn Tim Russert, Apply for His Job
WASHINGTON -- Journalists from around the nation converged on the nation's capital yesterday to attend a memorial service for "Meet the Press" host Tim Russert and then applied for his job.
"We have lost a valued colleague and role model whose legacy of fairness and tenacity are irreplaceable," said one newsman, wiping tears from his face during the gathering at Kennedy Center. "Do you think they'd start me at what he was making?"
The grief hit especially hard at out-of-town newsmen from medium market stations.
Les Williams, anchor at WJLJ in Bismarck, N.D., said he spoke for many when he said Russert was viewed as a guiding figure on which to model countless careers.
"He had this direct lighting about him. It hid the double chin and made his hair look fuller. We don't have the crew for that sort of thing in Bismarck. God I hope they're at least going to look at my audition tapes," Williams said, pocketing a dozen funeral cards to impress his children and colleagues back in North Dakota.
Among the mourners were Russert's old comrades from his years as an aide to the late Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan of New York, and former New York Gov. Mario Cuomo.
"What a lot of people don't know about Tim was that he was a real advocate for the cause when he served as a Senate aide," said Daniel Woodburn, who worked with Russert on Capitol Hill. "This was a tenacious but fair guy who could get things done without the kind of hard feelings that hover in this area. It was exhausting work. Damned exhausting. I've had it and I sure do think that if he could make the transition from politics to journalism I should, too. Why can't lightning strike twice?"
A cortege more than a mile long followed Russert's casket to a suburban Washington cemetery where his old pastor, the Rev. Conor Fitzwilliams, offered a prayer. Commending Russert's soul to God, the Rev. Fitzwilliams urged mourners to "remember the Tim we knew so well, but more importantly, to honor that memory by carrying on his tradition. I know I'm going to try to do that and if the vice president for news of NBC is here, I'd like a word with him after we're finished."
'IT'S AWESOME, DUDE'
CEDAR RAPIDS -- President Bush visited flood ravaged areas of Iowa today and after catching wave after powerful wave from breached levies, declared the entire state "a federal recreation area." The president said, "Iowans should be proud. This is some great surfing. It's awesome, dude."
WINNIE THE POOH KILLED BY POACHER; POLICE SAY SILLY OLD BEAR LURED BY SCENT OF HONEY-POT
(The Hundred Acre Wood) - Winnie the Pooh, willy-nilly-silly old bear, was killed by a poacher yesterday when he emerged from his home. His carcass, riddled with bullets, was discovered by Tigger early this morning. “I pounced on him like I always do, a hoo hoo hoo hoo! But he didn’t move, a hoo hoo hoo hoo! And now I know why!” Tigger sobbed, before adding “boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!” Authorities suspect Mr. Pooh was led to his doom by the scent from a honey pot strategically placed under his window. Mr. Pooh has battled an addiction to honey for years. “Everybody knows Pooh was always on the make for honey,” said an animal friend identified as Piglet. “He was in an out of rehab many times, trying to get clean. It was a monkey on his back he just couldn’t shake. In the end, it cost him his life.”
Detective Sebastian Cabot, Chief Inspector of the Hundred Acre Homicide Division, said he was still gathering clues from the crime scene. He refused to speculate on the identity of the killer, but said he did consider young Christopher Robin “a person of interest.” Mr. Robin received a rifle as a birthday present from his parents. According to Detective Cabot, Mr. Robin was recently observed by several residents of the Hundred Acre Wood walking alone, brandishing his gun “in a threatening way” and muttering under his breath.
Nonstop mourning for Tim Russert continues; grief-stricken Tiger Woods 'can't go on,' will take rest of year off to lament
Tiger Woods weeping uncontrollably on 16th fairway at Torrey Pine on hearing news of Tim Russert's death
BIBLICAL SCHOLAR SAYS CHILDREN OF ISRAEL COULD HAVE AVOIDED FORTY YEARS OF WANDERING BY ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS
(Jerusalem) - The world's leading expert on the Book of Exodus has concluded that the children of Israel could have avoided four decades of wandering in the desert searching for the Promised Land if they had simply asked for directions.
Dr. David Corbett, Professor of Biblical History at the University of Dayton, presented his findings at a conference held yesterday following a thorough review of recently discovered materials dealing with the departure of the Israelites from bondage in Egypt. “There are numerous instances in the transcribed accounts of the journey where an Israelite notes that 'this looks familiar,' or inquires 'didn’t we just pass this?' It would appear that Moses, who had succeeded in delivering his people from slavery, could not bear to admit that he didn’t know where he was going.”
Dr. Corbett surmised that the stubbornness of Moses, and his reluctance to ask for assistance, resulted in unnecessary aggravation for his fellow travelers. “How much easier would it have been for everyone on the journey if Moses would have pulled over and asked the Amelikites something like ‘we’re trying to get to Canaan, are we going the right way?’” Most scholars agree that Moses possessed many extraordinary heroic qualities, but was a “typical man” when it came to the mundane tasks associated with day-to-day living. “For example, we know he never left his tent without asking Zipporah whether or not he was wearing the right sandals, or whether his robes matched his staff,” said Dr. Corbett.
SHOCKING STUDY REVEALS ALL WOMEN WILL BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN THEIR LIFETIMES
Researchers dismiss popular "1 in 4" figure: "The authors of those studies clearly hated women"
PBS KICKS MR. ROGERS OFF AIR, NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE FACES ECONOMIC COLLAPSE
King Friday XIII, Monarch of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, said today that PBS’ decision to eliminate Mr. Rogers from its daily schedule will have a “catastrophic effect” on the municipality’s finances.
“The neighborhood has been designated as blighted, and we may soon be forced to file for bankruptcy protection,” the King said. Maintenance of the neighborhood’s iconic trolley has been cut back and, according to Friday, passengers are being told to “ride at their own risk.”
In the wake of PBS’ announcement, crime has spiked and unemployment is expected to rise to 100%. Several Wall Street firms have announced that unless the Neighborhood institutes a 10% Milk and Juice tax, they will be forced to downgrade its bond rating to rock-bottom levels.
FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: November 16, 1959
DOUGLAS FAMILY KILLED IN COLD BLOOD; TRUMAN CAPOTE BOUND FOR HOOTERVILLE; EFFETE NEW YORK AUTHOR EXPECTED TO WRITE CHILLING ACCOUNT OF CRIME, ACHIEVE LASTING FAME
(Hooterville) The lifeless bodies of Oliver Wendell Douglas, his wife Lisa Douglas, and beloved farm-hand Eb Dawson were discovered by neighbors yesterday, the apparent victims of foul play. All three were found with their hands bound behind their back. Their throats had been slit. Their bodies were riddled with bullets. The brutality of the crime sent shock waves through this placid, pastoral community and attracted the attention of noted author Truman Capote.
(Hooterville) The lifeless bodies of Oliver Wendell Douglas, his wife Lisa Douglas, and beloved farm-hand Eb Dawson were discovered by neighbors yesterday, the apparent victims of foul play. All three were found with their hands bound behind their back. Their throats had been slit. Their bodies were riddled with bullets. The brutality of the crime sent shock waves through this placid, pastoral community and attracted the attention of noted author Truman Capote. Mr. Capote arrived in town this morning. He immediately began the exhaustive interview process that will allow him to create a modern literary classic from the facts surrounding this macabre, sordid tale. “I’m really going to miss seeing Mr. Douglas riding his tractor in that three-piece suit,” said Mr. Sam Drucker, proprietor of the General Store. “Farm living was the life for him.”
Mr. Drucker was one of several people who spoke with Mr. Capote, who appeared to be under some duress. “I have spent six hours in this God-forsaken Hell-hole and it feels like eternity,” said Mr. Capote. “I would rather chew shards of glass than spend another minute listening to the imbecilic musings of Mr. Hank Kimble.” Mr. Capote said he looks forward to the conclusion of his visit. “I have one more interview scheduled for this afternoon with a Mr. Arnold Ziffle. With any luck, I’ll be on the train back to New York by dusk.”
BUSH BEGS JED CLAMPETT TO INCREASE PRODUCTION AT HIS REFINERY; PREZ SAYS AMERICANS NEED MORE BLACK GOLD, TEXAS TEA
(Beverly Hills, California) - President Bush met with oilman Jed Clampett at his Beverly Hills Estate yesterday to appeal for an increase in production at Mr. Clampett’s backwoods refinery. Mr. Clampett, a once-poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed, discussed the matter with the President over a dinner of hog jowls and squirrel stew in the fancy eating room. The meal was prepared by Mr. Clampett's irascible mother-in-law, Granny. Ms. Granny presented the President with a bottle of her home-brewed rheumatism medicine as a souvenir of his visit. Both men met with reporters at the cement pond following the meal. “With the heavy driving season coming on, Americans are in desperate need of additional black gold, or, if you prefer, Texas tea, to get them to their vacation destinations,” said the President. “I’m confident that Uncle Jed, and the many fine employees of Clampett Oil will be able to fulfill this need.” Mr. Clampett uttered a cryptic response to the President’s appeal. “Whew, doggie,” he said, before returning to his whittling.
It is believed a sticking point in the negotiations between the two men is the President's reluctance to give Mr. Clampett’s nephew, Jethro Bodine, a summer internship with the Central Intelligence Agency. According to sources close to the Clampett family, Mr. Bodine has long sought a career as a double-nought spy. Dash Riprock, spokesman for Clampett Oil, said Mr. Clampett has called an emergency board meeting to discuss the President’s request. The meeting is scheduled for this morning.
Tiger Woods replaces caddy with man named Guido from Hoboken
Guido's job - to break Tiger's kneecaps before every tournament so he plays better
Rocco Mediate disgraces Western Pennsylvania
When they found General Custer and his band of losers after the American Indians got done with them, they had been stripped naked and their bodies were mutilated. That's how I feel right now. I'm ashamed that I'm from Western Pennsylvania.
You see, that's where Rocco Mediate is from, and Mr. Mediate has disgraced every last native of my region by losing his playoff in the U.S. Open to Tiger Woods on the 19th hole.
Nice go, Rocco -- losing to a man gimping around on a bad knee, wincing in pain with every shot.
But that's not even the worst of it. Listen what the loser had to say after the disastrous finish: “I’m sure that I scared him,” Mediate said. “I did good today. I’ve never had more fun, it’s just amazing."
Did you get that? You may have to read it several times before it makes sense. Rocco, you see, is from Topsy Turvy Land where up is down and where if you do bad today, you can say with a straight face, "I did good today." Custer said the same thing at the end of the Battle of the Little Big Horn: "I'm sure that I scared them. I did good today. I've never had more fun, it's just amazing."
Only losers measure their performance by whether they had "fun," of course. What sort of twisted message are we sending our youth with a losing attitude like that?
With the Roccos of the world as role models, listen carefully when our children are losing a game and you might just hear them say, "I did good today."
And then we know we're finished.
GOP operatives claim to have 'the dirt' on Michelle Obama
Child star Stanley Fafara from Leave it To Beaver fame says she once called him "Whitey" at a fundraiser.
OBAMA DISAVOWS BLACK FATHERS, SAYS THEY'RE "MISSING FROM TOO MANY LIVES AND TOO MANY HOMES"
Illinois Senator says he will "reach out" to black mothers,vows to "personally fill as many of those voids as I can"
Al Gore saved the world's ozone; now he has a plan to save the world's food supply . . .
. . . He's going to diet
"SOUTH PACIFIC" WINS 5 TONY AWARDS
Weekend's other big headlines: "All About Eve" tops at box office; President Truman announces plans to send air and naval forces to defend South Korea
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)