QUEENS RESIDENT AWAITS VISIT FROM BARACK OBAMA; CLAIMS DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE LEFT BRIEFCASE IN CAB
NEW YORK - Archie Bunker, archetypical blue-collar American, spent most of yesterday at home preparing for a visit from Senator Barack Obama. It is believed Senator Obama’s visit will mark the first time a Democratic Party candidate for President has crossed the threshold of the Bunker residence. Mr. Bunker said Senator Obama was dropping by his house to retrieve a briefcase Obama left in Mr. Bunker’s cab.
Mr. Bunker, who works a steady daylight shift at a loading dock, keeps a second job driving a cab to support the eating habits of his live-in hippie son-in law and daughter. “This is going to be the greatest day ever,” said Mr. Bunker, before excusing himself. “Edith here,"referring to a woman he identified as his dingbat wife, "says I ought to get a picture with him, you know, for posterior’s sake.”
A spokesman for the Obama campaign confirmed the Senator would be making “a brief stop” at 704 Hauser Street in Queens on his way to visit dry cleaning magnate – and longtime friend – George Jefferson. “Ironically,” said the spokesman, “Mr. Jefferson is a former next door neighbor to Mr. Bunker.” However, the spokesman explained, thanks to a combination of sound business practices and ruthless tactics, Mr. Jefferson was able to move on up to a more luxurious residence. Mr. Jefferson currently resides in a deluxe apartment on the East Side .
'By all outward apearances, Heath Ledger was not depressed -- he was smiling ear to ear on the set of his last film'
Commentary by psychiatrist Dr. Noah Swayne: Startling new evidence shows that late actor Heath Ledger, who died last January after overdosing on pills commonly prescribed for depression, anxiety and insomnia, was very happy on the set of his last film, The Dark Night, and thus was not depressed when he died. Specifically, Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained stunning photographs that show Ledger smiling ear to ear, including this one.
Some might question whether Ledger's personal hygiene was all that it should have been -- the photos suggest he hadn't washed his green hair in quite some time and that his lipstick was not applied with care. But from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE, the smile shows he was one happy son-of-a-bitch.
Allow me to illustrate. Do you know who Nat King Cole was? He's dead now. He was a BLACK singer. Mr. King Cole was the first singer I ever got laid to, but that's the subject of another commentary. It turns out nobody knew more about PSYCHIATRY than Mr. Nat King Cole, and especially when he sang these immortal words: "Pretend you're happy when you're blue. It isn't very hard to do. And you'll find happiness without an end. Whenever you pretend." The point of those seemingly POINTLESS WORDS is that even when you're "blue" (from a mental health perspective, that means "depressed"), you will become happy just by pretending you are happy. That, even I admit, seems idiotic, for want of a more scientific term, but I didn't write the song. And what does this have to do with Mr. Ledger?
The lesson from all this, according to Mr. King Cole, is that even if Mr. Ledger was depressed, he would have "chased those blues away" (to paraphrase Caucasian singer Frank Sinatra) when he put that big red grin on his face -- that is, merely by PRETENDING he was happy.
My diagnosis: Mr. Ledger was not depressed when he took the pills. I suspect foul play, most likely perpetrated by a jilted MALE lover who thought Mr. Ledger was really ranch hand Ennis Del Mar, the character Mr. Ledger played in a movie. ("Ennis" is a name that takes its Latin root from the word "penis," so I suspect Ennis was gay.) This is all from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE. Don't thank me for this revelation, thank Mr. Nat King Cole, who is dead.
STUDY: BEGGARS ON CELL PHONES RECEIVE CONSIDERABLY LARGER HAND-OUTS
DONORS WANT TO BACK A WINNER, GIVE TO BUMS WHO "APPEAR TO BE SUCCESSFUL"WASHINGTON - A Carbolic Institute study concludes that beggars on cell phones receive considerably larger hand-outs than beggars with only a sign and a cup.
"People are far more likely to contribute to beggars who appear to be successful," said Judge Rufus Peckham, Chairman of the Carbolic Institute. "Donors want to back a winner. So when they see a bum with a cell phone -- well, they just want to hop on his bandwagon."
The study found that some beggars using cell phones run extremely lucrative operations. Adam Kidd, for one, has been a beggar for less than a year but already owns the franchise rights to 16 New York City corners, including the three busiest in Times Square.
Kidd was a lawyer fresh out of law school working for a large corporation when he found that begging pays better. He is constantly on his cell phone, checking to make sure his employees -- or, as he calls them, "my bums" -- are manning their stations. Kidd personally operates the corner at the center of Times Square, near the George M. Cohan statue, and sometimes his line of donors extends around the block -- precisely because, he says, he never stops transacting business on his cell phone while he mooches.
"I hate to be rude to people when I'm asking them to give me money," Kidd said. "But sometimes I have to ask them to wait just a minute while I tend to a call."
And that's a price people gladly pay to back a winner.
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: JULY 3, 1776: "REJOICE, FOR WE SHALL ALWAYS BE ENGLISHMEN!"
EDITORIAL BY THE HON. JOSIAH PECKHAM, EDITOR: Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies' ties with their motherland.Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.
Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I've conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams assured me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting. Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information. I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November between me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold and I had nowhere else to sleep). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.
No, dear readers, one-hundred, nay, two-hundred years from now and beyond, the misguided devotees of independence will have been long forgotten, and we shall rejoice, as we now rejoice, that we are Englishmen!
Rendell to defend title in Coney Island hot dog eating contest against Al Gore
Former VP convinces contest organizers to ban spicy hot mustard since it contributes to global warming
PROCTOR & GAMBLE TEST RESULTS: THESE COLORS REALLY DO RUN
CINCINNATI, Ohio - Consumer product behemoth Proctor & Gamble today announced that following a series of grueling tests, Old Glory's colors really do run when washed."Patriotic slogan aside, we tried Cheer®, we tried Downey®, and guess what? The flag looked like the gay rainbow when it came out of the washer," said P&G Chairman George Fenneman. "Not that that's a bad thing, but I think this patriotism is a bunkum."
In a private interview, Fenneman also told a reporter that the urban legend regarding Proctor & Gamble's corporate logo is true. "Yes, it is a satanic symbol," Fenneman whispered. He eyes nervously darted around the room. "There are sinister forces at work in this company, but the last person to say that out loud ended up as a roll of Charmin® . . ." Fenneman heard someone walking down the hall and quickly terminated the interview.
ARRIVING TRAVELERS AT PITTSBURGH AIRPORT COMPLAIN IT'S 'INAPPROPRIATE' TO HAVE STATUE OF FRANCO HARRIS STANDING NEXT TO GEORGE WASHINGTON
ONE MAN'S COMPLAINT WAS TYPICAL: "WASHINGTON MADE ZERO CONTRIBUTION TO THE STEELERS"
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK TO NOVEMBER 26, 1963: THE FILM REVIEW LEE HARVEY OSWALD WAS WRITING AT THE TIME OF HIS ARREST
NOVEMBER 26, 1963: The following is the final film review by late Carbolic Smoke Ball film critic Lee Harvey Oswald. Last Friday, Mr. Oswald was arrested by Dallas police at the Texas Theater while he was screening "War is Hell" for this news outlet, less than two hours after President Kennedy was assassinated downtown. He was charged with murdering the President and a police officer. As shown below, Oswald's review of the film was not completed at the time of his arrest. Carbolic Smoke Ball regrets that Mr. Oswald was murdered yesterday, before he was afforded the opportunity to vindicate himself of the baseless charges against him or write any more film reviews. His contributions to this news outlet will be greatly missed. ONE MAN'S HEAVEN IS ANOTHER MAN'S WAR IS HELL
FILM REVIEW BY LEE HARVEY OSWALD - Hollywood so feared the theme of War is Hell that it kept it on the shelf for three years. This minor gem, finally opening today, chronicles a blood thirsty U.S. Army Sergeant's quest for medals during the Korean War as he leads his platoon into battle but fails to tell his men a cease fire is in effect. The men gradually realize something is amiss, and there's a whiff of Potemkin in their talk of mutiny.
Was Hollywood's reluctance to release this film prompted by the uncanny similarity of the egomaniacal Sergeant to the late President John F. Kennedy, whose imperialist designs pushed the world to the brink of nuclear destruction over missiles in Cuba despite the Soviet Union's peaceful intentions? The question scarcely survives its statement. Death to Kennedy! Death to Kennedy! But I digress.
Some Hollywood bigwig hit upon a way to make the film palatable to squeamish Americans who prefer their warriors mentally stable by trotting out the most decorated hero of the last great world war, Audie Murphy, to narrate a prologue that assures filmgoers it's safe to watch. I, for one, could never understand how the name "Audie" suited a male, but no one else I've talked to seems to have a problem with it.
Veteran TV actor Baynes Barron gives a spot-on performance as the ruthless JFK-like Sergeant. The actors who play the platoon members all seem to be about the right age, which is a first for Hollywood -- in contrast to, say, the Borscht Belt comics who play the sailors in the popular TV sitcom McHale's Navy. Their average age is 58.
Oh, no, they're coming for me! The jig is up . . . .
Editor's note: The review abruptly ends here.
NEW BOOK: McCARTHY WITCH HUNT HERO REBUKED EVERYONE HE MET: "HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY"
JOSEPH WELCH'S FAMOUS REPRIMAND OF SEN. JOSEPH McCARTHY WAS "JUST EVERYDAY TALK" FOR THE BOSTON ATTORNEYWASHINGTON - The confrontation between seasoned attorney Joseph Welch, who represented the United States Army, and Senatory Joseph McCarthy on June 9, 1954 during the "Army-McCarthy" hearings marked the beginning of the end for McCarthy's anti-communist crusade. The jousting began when McCarthy accused a young attorney in Welch's law firm of formerly belonging to a group that aided communism. Before a nationwide television audience, Welch famously reprimanded McCarthy for the accusation, helping to turn the tide of public opinion against the Wisconsin senator.
While Welch's rebuke seemed dramatic, according to a new biography it was just everyday talk for the Boston attorney, who rebuked practically everyone he met with precisely the same language he directed at McCarthy, even for trivial or imagined slights and regardless of whether it was appropriate to the situation.
When a waiter accidentally spilled water on Welch's pants and tried to wipe it up, Welch sharply rebuked him: "You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"
When Welch's bus driver accidentally stopped twenty feet beyond Welch's stop, Welch rebuked him: "Until this moment, sir, I think I never really gauged your cruelty, or your recklessness. If it were within my power to forgive your reckless cruelty, I would do so but your forgiveness will have to come from someone other than me."
When a barber accidentally nicked Welch's son's neck, Welch rebuked him: "It is, I regret to say, true that this boy shall always bear a scar needlessly inflicted by you."
After Welch's famous encounter with Senator McCarthy, he went on to play a judge in Otto Preminger's Anatomy of a Murder. Footage showing Welch rebuking Preminger for the latter's decision to reduce Welch's role ended up on the cutting room floor.
PROSTHETIC LIMB INDUSTRY ANTICIPATING BIG BUSINESS FOLLOWING FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND; COMBINATION OF ALCOHOL, EXPLOSIVES TO INCREASE SALES
(New Limbsville) - Dan Malloy, a spokesman for the National Association of Prosthetic Limb Retailers, said the industry expects “higher than normal sales” following this year's Fourth of July celebration. Factors involved in the rosy forecast include the long three day holiday weekend, the anticipated consumption of massive amounts of alcohol by millions of people and the accessibility of cheap explosives.
Industry analysts also believe that President Bush’s economic stimulus package, which included billions of dollars in tax rebates, will give Americans more disposable income that will allow them to replace the charred end of a body part with one of their products. During prior economic slow-downs, self-made amputees were more likely to go without, or fashion their own, crude limbs on garage work benches, or in high school shop classes. This year, that won’t be necessary.
“There’s no question, a lot of people are going to drink and light fireworks,” said Mr. Malloy, “And when they lose that finger, or hand, we want them to know we’re here, ready to provide them with a fully operational, artificial appendage that will look and feel almost like the one they’ve lost. Our phones answer twenty-four hours a day. In most cases, we can have you in a new limb within twenty-four hours.” Mr. Malloy said many prosthetic manufacturers are offering special discounts on new products over the next five to seven days. “Be sure to check your weekly circular,” he advised.
Obama staff: McCain had 'no idea the suffering the Vietnam War caused America' while he was a POW
WASHINGTON - Members of the Obama campaign staff say that John McCain's time as a POW captive during the Vietnam War left him "out of touch" with the pain and suffering Americans back home felt over the war.
"He has no idea what we went through," said high ranking Obama staffer Uday Hussein. "If Senator McCain had been at the peace rallies in San Francisco, he would have seen the fear and the anxiety on the tortured faces of the draft resisters, the flower children and the peace-niks.
"But John McCain doesn't understand that suffering because John McCain was over getting captured by the Vietnamese when his plane crashed in a lake near Hanoi," said Hussein.
"John McCain will never understand how tortured we were by the Vietnam war."
Barry Bonds' ex-teammates say 'asterisk' on historic baseball 'not fair, because Bonds' 'steroid physique' caused by third testicle, not steroids
SAN FRANCISCO - Barry Bonds' record 756th homerun ball was given to Baseball's Hall of Fame in Cooperstown today, and the Hall said it will display it with an asterisk, symbolizing that the record is tainted by Bonds' steroid usage. But Bonds' ex-San Francisco Giants' teammates are objecting to the asterisk. They revealed for the first time that Bonds' steroid physique was not caused by steroids but by a third testicle Bonds had surgically implanted in a desperate attempt to boost his home run total starting in 1998.
Ex-team trainer Stan Conte explained the impetus for the surgery: "Barry was unhappy about the publicity [Mark] McGwire was getting in '98 when he was chasing Roger Maris' [single season home run] record. So I told him, 'Barry, you do what I tell you, and I guarantee you McGwire will be only two-thirds the man you are." Conte located a gonad donor and performed the surgery himself in Haiti. Conte explained that "no reputable physician would do it, not even in San Francisco."
Former teammate Jason Schmidt said that Bonds had no choice but to level with his fellow Giants about the implant "because we saw him in the shower all the time." Schmidt asked that this reporter make clear that he did not intentionally look at Bonds or any other naked player in the shower; that he keeps his head down and focused on his own private parts at all times while showering; and that if any naked player happens to come into his line of vision, through no fault of his own, he averts his eyes "regardless of the number of testicles or other male appendages that player may or may not have." But Schmidt explained: "You couldn't help but notice that after the surgery, Barry's -- how can I put this delicately? His junk had shrunk -- I don't know how else to say it." Schmidt looked around furtively. "Turns out the donor was a white guy," he whispered.
Former manager Felipe Alou, contacted for this story, said he wasn't told about the surgery at first, but he noticed something different right away. "I walked into the lockerroom after the surgery and I said, in my best English, 'Wow, can that Bonds fill out a jock or what!'"
Contrary to his public image as a moody, spoiled athlete, Bonds took his teammates' ribbing about his additional body part with good nature. Alou explained: "A day wouldn't go by that somebody wouldn't say, 'No wonder Barry walks so much. When he comes to bat, he's already got three balls on him.' It's amazing how that same joke would crack us up every time!"
Ex-trainer Conte said that the implant never affected Barry in a negative way, "except that he started scratching himself 33 percent more than the other guys -- and that's an exact figure because I kept close track of that." Conte insisted that the league requires each team to maintain careful records of "ball scratching." Conte also noted that the donor he located for Bonds, major league pitcher Kris Benson, has not fared as well since the operation "because Benson's become afraid to challenge hitters on the mound; you know, a sissie."
MUGABE SWORN IN FOR SIXTH TERM AS PRESIDENT OF ZIMBABWE; ASSURES ZIMBABWE PEOPLE HE WILL KEEP CAMPAIGN PROMISE TO ENRICH SELF, KILL ENEMIES
HARARE , Zimbabwe - President Robert Mugabe assured the people of this African nation they “had nothing to fear except me, myself” in remarks delivered during his sixth inauguration address. Mr. Mugabe emerged victorious in a hard-fought campaign in which he ran against himself. “I was a tough opponent, and I congratulate me on running a good, clean race. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and now that the votes have been counted, I pledge to join myself in working together to build a better future for the people of this country.”
He added that in the coming days, he would bring “nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror” to every corner of Zimbabwe. “I am certain that my fellow Zimbabweans expect that on my induction into the Presidency I will address them with a candor which the present situation of our nation impels,” he said. He then identified a list of enemies he would kill during the first one-hundred days of the newest Mugabe administration. “This nation asks for action, and action now.” Among the numerous groups on the new President’s “to kill” list are the following: human rights activists, election monitors, U.N. relief workers, Hollywood celebrities looking to adopt, and telemarketers. Professor Mike Maloney of the Kennedy School of Government said Mugabe’s ambitious goals mirror those established by a four-term American president, FDR. “The difference, of course, is that Roosevelt used his first one hundred days to put in place much of the modern welfare state, instead of just imprisoning, torturing and executing people.”
It's about time we had separate public restrooms for men and women
COMMENTARY BY SAMUEL BLATCHFORD, INTERNATIONAL BON VIVANT - I am going to assert something that every rational person has thought about but that most are afraid to come out and say: males and females need SEPARATE restrooms in public places. Every public place -- the ballpark, restaurants, you name it -- should have not one but two restrooms: one marked "Men," the other marked "Women."
I know that this suggestion is going to create controversy, and I know it will be expensive to create additional restrooms everywhere. But the two genders were not put on earth to simultaneously expose their privates or semi-privates in public or semi-public places.
I am sick to death of trying to wash my hands in a public restroom with women crowding the sinks, APPLYING MAKE-UP and the like.
I am sick to death of finding a newspaper in the stall after a woman has used it -- and it's never THE SPORTS SECTION. It is always some damned "features" article with some damned gynocentric, male bashing slant. The article I found there yesterday was titled, "Castrate All the Men," or some such damned thing.
I am sick to death of women who don't understand basic urinal etiquette. Some take the urinal directly next mine despite the fact there are many other empty urinals not as close. I've come to the incontrovertible conclusion that the only reason they do this is to SNEAK A PEEK at my wee-wee.
Now how sick it that?! I feel violated every time I urinate.
Once we get the women out of our restrooms, then we'll concentrate on getting them out of the NFL. But that's the subject of another commentary.
TRUMP TO PUT DOME ON ROMAN COLISEUM
FINALLY, THE GLAMOUR OF ATLANTIC CITY COMES TO THE ETERNAL CITY
ROME - Donald Trump says he wants to bring to the Eternal City the same "glitz and sizzle" he brought to Atlantic City by putting a "state of the art" dome on the Roman Coliseum.
"The Coliseum is probably the second greatest sports venue in the history of the world, behind the [Madison Square] Garden, of course." But, Trump cautioned, "I'll need to air condition it before I can book any serious boxing matches there. Which means it definitely needs a dome."
Trump says the Coliseum will need lots of work to bring it into the 21st century. "Did you know that there is no Jumbotron in that arena?" he asked.
But the Coliseum isn't the only Roman attraction Trump wants to upgrade. He also has his sights set on the Vatican's Sistine Chapel. "The minute I walked in there and saw that magnificent artwork, I naturally said to myself, 'This room would make a great Cheesecake Factory.' Of course, I'd have to tear out a wall to build the kitchen into the Vatican Museum."
Trump turned playfully to his young wife, Melania Knauss. "Let's go back to our hotel room, and I'll show you the glory that was ancient Rome." Mrs. Trump replied, "I think you mean the ruins."
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