Lincoln's harsh treatment of protester at Gettysburg Address much like Trump

Abraham Lincoln's immortal Gettysburg Address was interrupted by a protester--and Lincoln reacted much the way Donald Trump reacts to protesters at his campaign rallies.

Lincoln was nearing the conclusion of his speech at the dedication of the Gettysburg National Cemetery when the interruption occurred: "We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom . . . ."

Just then, a man dressed as a Confederate Infantryman stood up near the back of the crowd and started shouting: "Black lives don't matter!" 

Police quickly surrounded the man, and the Great Emancipator looked up from his prepared text and snarled: "Get him the hell out of here!" The crowd applauded.

"In the old days, a guy like that would have been carried out on a stretcher," Lincoln said. "I'd like to punch him in the face."

The crowd cheered Lincoln's comments while police escorted the man away from the assembly. 

Lincoln disgustedly raised his hands and addressed the crowd candidly. "We're not allowed to push back anymore, do you know that? Seriously, we're not allowed. Well, we're pushing back at the Gettysburg National Cemetery, I can assure you!"

Lincoln continued: "If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously, OK? I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees. I promise. I promise."

The crowd rose to its feet and started chanting, "Lincoln '64! Lincoln '64!"

When the applause died down, Lincoln finished reading his speech, which drew only tepid applause.

NASA Mars Rovers Involved in Road Rage Incident

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA confirmed that two of its Mars rovers were involved in a road rage incident today, some 95 million miles from earth.

Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.

NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.

“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.

NARCISSISTS PROTEST, WANT SAME-PERSON MARRIAGE LEGALIZED

Thousands of narcissists took to the streets of San Francisco yesterday to protest for same-person marriages.

Rally organizer Jingo Bang whipped the crowd into a frenzy: "Why am I forced to sit in the back of the bus merely because my 'significant other' happens to be . . .  me?"

The rally was held in the city's Sunset District, the scene of innumerable gay rights rallies where the participants traditionally join hands with their partners and sing songs of liberation. Yesterday, each protester clasped his own hands and sang a song of his own choosing, creating a disturbing cacophony that drew complaints as far away as Fisherman's Wharf.