Local Man's Luck Changes After Trump Plastic Surgery

PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne of Bethel Park had plastic surgery to make him look like Donald Trump, and his luck changed overnight.

"I got a big promotion at work, my girlfriend agreed to marry me, and I hit the lottery," Swayne explained.

Swayne's bride, Judi Swayne, said although she initially found her husband's Trump shtick attractive, "it's starting to wear thin."

"I married him because he kept telling me, 'We're going to build a wall on our neighbor's property line, and the neighbor's going to pay for it.' Now I realize I never really believed it--I bought into it because I wanted to believe it."

Judi said she's developing a strange desire to date men who look like Senator Ted Cruz.

Trump: 'I know how to raise people from the dead, and Joe Paterno is coming back'

Donald Trump told legions of angry supporters in Pittsburgh that if he is elected president, he will revive the moribund steel industry and raise disgraced Penn State football coach Joe Paterno from the dead.

“I know a lot about Pennsylvania because I went to school here, and I'm really, really smart,” Trump told the enthusiastic audience gathered at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center on Wednesday evening.

“Steel--we’re bringing back. It's coming back,” he announced to wild cheering.

“And how’s Joe Paterno?” Trump asked to perplexed looks.

"I know how to raise people from the dead, and when I'm elected, Joe Paterno is coming back. Believe me. Believe me. He's coming back." 

A man wearing a University of Pittsburgh cap stood up and shouted angrily, "Paterno rots in hell!"

Trump turned to address the man. "What you're forgetting is, I know how to make deals--I will make a deal with the devil, and we will bring Joe Paterno back. Lyin' Ted Cruz doesn't get along with anybody. The devil hates Ted Cruz. Hates him. But I'm gonna make such a great deal with the devil--a great, great deal--and Joe Paterno is coming back, he's coming back. Believe me. Believe me."

Trump switched gears to rail against China, announcing a ban on Chinese immigrants until "we can figure out what the hell the fortunes in their cookies actually mean. I mean, nobody understands what these fortunes mean." 

Trump also said he wants China to stop calling its iconic east-to-west fortification the "Great Wall" because the wall he intends to build at the Mexican border "will put their crumbling wall to shame, I promise you." He suggested China call its wall "the not-so-great wall of China."

Trump was whisked out of the hall to attend a rally in Philadelphia where he planned to announce he would resurrect from the grave founding father Benjamin Franklin and divisive late mayor Frank Rizzo. 

"I don't want to be there when they do it," he said. "The smell--let's just say it will be disgusting, really disgusting."

Trump promises miracle in Philadelphia: 'If elected, I will touch the Liberty Bell and heal the crack'

Trump supporters: He can do it!

Trump: "I helped clear the rubble on 9/11"

"I cleared the Flintstones, too."

Trump saw thousands of Muslims cheering during the attack on 7/11--'Slurpees were all over the floor'

In a speech celebrating "New York values," Donald Trump talked about the "Muslim attack on 7/11."

"I had a lot of friends--a lot of friends--killed during the attack on 7/11 that day. They were at the Slurpee counter. And by the way, the 7/11's in New York have the best Slurpees in the world--I've had Slurpees all over the world, and the New York Slurpees are the best anywhere. Believe me. Believe me."

"And then I saw a group of Muslims in the back of the store--thousands of Muslims--thousands of them--they stood up and cheered when those Slurpees hit the ground. It was disgusting."

Trump said that, when he's elected, he plans to use 7/11's roller hot dog grills to torture Muslims.