Carbolic Smoke Ball

2008-07-14T12:02:00.000-04:00

Obituary: Hon. Rufus Peckham, Jurist, Bon Vivant, Advocate of the World's Downtrodden

2008-07-11T00:00:00.005-04:00

The Hon. Rufus Peckham, bon vivant and crusading jurist whose legal philosophy was so advanced that even he could not fully comprehend it, died unexpectedly last night.

"He was the most frightening individual I’ve ever met in my life. A real nasty son-of-a-bitch. But I mean that in a good way," said Judge Peckham's long-time associate Noah Swayne.

Peckham was born in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, on the day of the great flood in 1936. "My mother's water broke while she was walking down the street,” the Judge once said, “so I've always blamed her for all the deaths and destruction.”

After graduating law school, his fledgling law practice struggled. "It was either get elected judge or steal the money I was holding for my clients in trust,” the Judge told a New York Times reporter in 2006. “I still wonder about what might have been.”

While serving on the Pennsylvania Court of Appeals, he sentenced sixteen men to death, all for breach of contract cases.

Well-known for his tireless, civic-minded efforts, Judge Peckham became a crusader for women's rights. He still holds the record for the most money raised in one day to buy breast implants for impoverished third world women. "Women everywhere should have the right to control their oppressor males by flaunting their enormous, shapely breasts," he proudly explained. "And some of those impoverished women are really hot."

The Judge's celebrated feud with variety show host Ed Sullivan made headlines after Sullivan banned him from his Sunday night show. The feud started when Sullivan claimed that the Judge exposed himself during a televised monologue. The Judge always insisted that Sullivan's eyes deceived him. "I was merely holding [Mexican mouse-puppet] Topo Gigio near my crotch," the Judge explained.

The Judge was allegedly distraught in the days leading up to his death after learning that every news story reported by the news outlet he founded, Carbolic Smoke Ball, turned out to be fake. Father Samuel Blatchford of Saint Rosacea of Blawnox spoke about the Judge's death: "Persons who suffer from dementia simply are not, in the eyes of the Lord, deemed responsible for their actions." Asked to explain what he meant, Father Blatchford merely sighed.

The Judge is survived by his fifth wife, Velveeta Lugosi-Peckham, and three children, who agreed to be mentioned on condition of anonymity.

In accordance with his wishes, and in imitation of his lifelong hero, Benito Mussolini, the Judge’s body will be hung upside down on a meat hook tonight. Tomorrow his head will be paraded around the town square on a stick. A public viewing of the rest of his body will be held at the Pleasant Hills Public Library tomorrow from 2-4 and 7-9. On Monday, a memorial will be erected in his honor. Burial will be private -- no other bodies will be buried with him.

Donations in lieu of flowers can be made to the International Breast Implant Society.

2008-07-10T23:10:00.006-04:00

Major breaking news coming up. Stay tuned.

2008-07-10T00:05:00.003-04:00

JESSE JACKSON JR. RENOUNCES THE REV. JESSE JACKSON SR., WHO RENOUNCES HIS OWN RENUNCIATION OF BARACK OBAMA, WHO RENOUNCES THE NEED TO RENOUNCE THEM BOTH

"They're like a couple of old uncles who say things I don't always agree with," the presumptive Democratic nominee explained.

Jesse Jackson: "My Support for Senator Obama's campaign is Wide, Deep and Unequivocal."

2008-07-10T00:02:00.000-04:00

"And I'd like to cut his nuts off."

Jesse Jackson Apologizes to Himself for Comments about Sen. Obama's Nuts

2008-07-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

STOCKS, DOLLAR RALLY AFTER BERNANKE SPEECH

2008-07-10T00:00:00.004-04:00

U.S. economy gets boost from rush to invest in Fed Chairman's new, "can't miss" hologram technology

MAN EXPERIENCES ERECTION LASTING OVER FOUR HOURS, BUT DOESN’T CALL DOCTOR; DIES OF ELEVATED PENIS SYNDROME

2008-07-10T00:00:00.001-04:00

PITTSBURGH - Michael Loftus, a prosperous financial planner from the ritzy Glenshaw suburg of Pittsburgh, died yesterday following complications arising from the ingestion of a drug commonly prescribed for treating erectile dysfunction. A female who answered the door at the Loftus residence, who asked that her name not be used, said the victim ingested Cialis in preparation for an intimate encounter. However, he was unable to focus.

“Mike was so enthused about the quality and duration of his erection that he completely forgot why he took Cialis in the first place,” she said. “Mike always kept a stop-watch handy to time his erections. He hit three, three and a half-hours several times. When he hit four, he hit the roof.”

At this point, authorities say Mr. Loftus should have called his physician. However, in direct violation of the Cialis disclaimer, Mr. Loftus began calling television stations, former lovers, both local newspapers, radio call-in shows, and the Guinness Book of World Records to give them the news.

“The Guinness people told him to call back when he hit fourteen hours. Everyone else hung up on him,” said his lady friend. A coroner’s report is pending, but preliminary indications are that Mr. Loftus dies of EPS, or “elevated penis syndrome,” a rare but fatal side-effect associated with pharmaceuticals used to treat erectile dysfunction. A spokesman for the Food and Drug Administration said the agency has logged several complaints from families of EPS victims. Congress has scheduled hearings on the matter when it resumes session this fall.

Ailing Ted Kennedy Returns to Senate for Key Vote

2008-07-10T00:00:00.000-04:00

A Unique and Welcome Gift

2008-07-09T00:10:00.003-04:00

Tila Tequila On McCain’s Vice Presidential Short List

2008-07-09T00:09:00.001-04:00

WASHINGTON -- Republican presidential nominee John McCain, in an effort to broaden support with both Asian and Hispanic voters, has included author and lecturer Tila Tequila on a short list of potential running mates, according to sources inside the campaign.

Miss Tequila, whose legal name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen, has previously been mentioned by the McCain camp, though primarily as potential entertainment for a post-election stag party.

“We were kicking around names and the usual ones came up: Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Howard Baker, Strom Thurmond. Then, just after someone mentioned that Strom Thurmond is dead, I had to take a shot. That’s the way the game is played,” said the source, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he didn’t want anyone to know who he is.

“Well, the shots we had to take were Jose Cuervo -- who also got mentioned by one of the search committee, I think just because he wanted a drink. Anyway, someone says ‘Hey, why the hell not Tila Tequila?’”

After a Nexis search indicated that Miss Nguyen is a legal resident of the United States, the idea was broached to the McCain upper echelon and the committee was surprised to receive a rousing reaction from Sen. McCain.

“He was like, all, ‘Hey, she’s on the Internets! We can get some young people this way, too!’” the McCain advisor said.

The inclusion of Miss Tequila appears to bump another major contender from the list, former Republican Senator Nancy Landon Kassebaum, who was criticized by Republican stalwarts and not conservative enough and not hot enough.

Martha Washington's July 4, 1776 diary entry . . .

2008-07-09T00:08:00.000-04:00

"Today I am proud of America for the first time in my adult life. . . . . That's not saying much, given that the country is only several hours old."

TANZANIA CRASHES G-8 SUMMIT; FURIOUS WIFE OF JAPANESE HOST OVERHEARD BERATING HUSBAND: 'WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME TANZANIA WAS COMING?'

2008-07-09T00:06:00.000-04:00

'. . . THIS IS GOING TO SCREW UP THE PLACE SETTINGS!'

(RUSUTSU, Japan) - A mild disturbance occurred at the G8 summit yesterday when Tanzania showed up at the G8 dinner dance uninvited. Tanzanian President Jakaya Kikwete told security personnel at the front door that “he happened to be in the area, and thought he’d drop in for a quick hello.” He then entered the hall, and, after applying a sticker that read “Hi, I’m Tanzania” to his lapel, took a seat between America and Great Britain.

“Nice to meet you, Tarzan,” said President Bush, before heading through the buffet line. “We put out quite a spread at these things.”

Speaking to reporters at the end of the evening, President Kikwete admitted he was disappointed with the chilly reception he received. “A lot of countries kept dropping little hints to me that I wasn’t welcome,” he said. "Germany asked me point blank: 'Did you know this was specifically advertised as industrial nations only?' I was fumbling for an answer, so I blurted out that a lion ate the mailman who was delivering my invitation, but she didn’t buy it. 'A lion ate your mailman?' she sneered, before walking away. That was not the worst of it. France and Russia kept walking by, and then burst out laughing. I watched them turn around, look back at me, and laugh again.”

President Kikwete remained optimistic that one day he wouldn’t have to sneak in to a G8 summit. “All we need is one factory in my country, and I’ll start the application process.”

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: July 8, 1926

2008-07-08T00:08:00.001-04:00

MOHANDAS GANDHI BULLIED AT BEACH, LEADER OF INDIAN INDEPENDENCE MOVEMENT VOWS TO SIGN UP FOR CHARLES ATLAS COURSE

(Calcutta ) Mohandas Gandhi, spindly leader of the Indian independence movement, announced today that he is swearing off “non-violent resistance” after being bullied at the beach in front of his shapely girlfriend.

According to witnesses, the incident started when Lord Basil Schropshire called Mr. Gandhi “skinny” in an obnoxious tone of voice and advised him that his “ribs were showing.” Mr. Gandhi then approached his tormentor and tried to defuse the confrontational atmosphere by preaching the virtues of courage, love, and the inherent dignity of all mankind, but his words fell on deaf ears. “Shut up, you bag of bones,” said Lord Basil, before planting a solid left jab on Gandhi’s chin. Afterward, a furious Mr. Gandhi met with reporters.

"Darn it,” he said. “I’m tired of being a skinny scarecrow. Charles Atlas says he can make me a new man. I’ll gamble a stamp and get his free book.” Mr. Gandhi vowed that it would only be a matter of time before he would become the world's most perfectly developed Mahatma. “What was I thinking with all of that non-violent resistance stuff?” he asked, smacking his palm against his forehead. “It’s going to be a lot easier ending British rule in my country when I can slap the Viceroy around a little.” Mr. Gandhi then excused himself. “I’ve got to find a stamp so I can rush this coupon to Mr. Atlas right away.”

OBAMA WINS POWERBALL JACKPOT, SAYS HE'LL USE THE MONEY FOR HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

2008-07-08T00:07:00.000-04:00

"It's not an easy decision," the Illinois Senator said, "because I support a robust system of public financing of elections."

NBC NAMES JAMIE LYNN SPEARS AND CASEY ALDRIDGE CO-MODERATORS OF 'MEET THE PRESS'

2008-07-08T00:06:00.003-04:00

NBC PRESS RELEASE - NBC News today named Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, and her long-time paramour Casey Aldridge, 19, co-moderators of Meet the Press, the longest-running television show in worldwide broadcasting history, to replace the late Tim Russert.

Ms. Spears was also named the network's Washington Bureau Chief.

"Ms. Spears and Mr. Aldridge will inject the show with a high-voltage dosage of youthful exuberance while staying true to the show's tradition of providing hard-hitting coverage of the day's most important issues," said Steve Capus, president of NBC News. Capus added that it will mark the first time in network television history that a teenage Caucasian male-female couple will co-host a major Sunday morning news program.

Capus noted that the network anticipates a long and prosperous relationship with the couple, assuming Mr. Aldridge is not charged with statutory rape in connection with Ms. Spears' pregnancy "since that would put him out of commission for a few years."

Mr. Aldridge will host the show alone for the next several weeks while Ms. Spears is on maternity leave. His topics will include video games, cars, super-models and masturbation.

GROUNDS FOR RODRIGUEZ DIVORCE REVEALED

2008-07-08T00:05:00.000-04:00

"A-Rod? Yeah, right! I’d say more like C-minus Rod.” – Cindy Rodriguez

Rafael Nadal's underarm hair 'ruins' Wimbledon championship for local heterosexual man

2008-07-08T00:00:00.001-04:00

STARBUCKS TO SHUTTER 600 STORES, SELL COFFEE ONLINE INSTEAD

2008-07-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

"It's kind of a 'bad news-good news' sort of thing." -- Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz

QUEENS RESIDENT AWAITS VISIT FROM BARACK OBAMA; CLAIMS DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE LEFT BRIEFCASE IN CAB

2008-07-07T00:06:00.001-04:00

NEW YORK - Archie Bunker, archetypical blue-collar American, spent most of yesterday at home preparing for a visit from Senator Barack Obama. It is believed Senator Obama’s visit will mark the first time a Democratic Party candidate for President has crossed the threshold of the Bunker residence. Mr. Bunker said Senator Obama was dropping by his house to retrieve a briefcase Obama left in Mr. Bunker’s cab.

Mr. Bunker, who works a steady daylight shift at a loading dock, keeps a second job driving a cab to support the eating habits of his live-in hippie son-in law and daughter. “This is going to be the greatest day ever,” said Mr. Bunker, before excusing himself. “Edith here,"referring to a woman he identified as his dingbat wife, "says I ought to get a picture with him, you know, for posterior’s sake.”

A spokesman for the Obama campaign confirmed the Senator would be making “a brief stop” at 704 Hauser Street in Queens on his way to visit dry cleaning magnate – and longtime friend – George Jefferson. “Ironically,” said the spokesman, “Mr. Jefferson is a former next door neighbor to Mr. Bunker.” However, the spokesman explained, thanks to a combination of sound business practices and ruthless tactics, Mr. Jefferson was able to move on up to a more luxurious residence. Mr. Jefferson currently resides in a deluxe apartment on the East Side .

'By all outward apearances, Heath Ledger was not depressed -- he was smiling ear to ear on the set of his last film'

2008-07-07T00:04:00.005-04:00

Commentary by psychiatrist Dr. Noah Swayne: Startling new evidence shows that late actor Heath Ledger, who died last January after overdosing on pills commonly prescribed for depression, anxiety and insomnia, was very happy on the set of his last film, The Dark Night, and thus was not depressed when he died. Specifically, Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained stunning photographs that show Ledger smiling ear to ear, including this one.

Some might question whether Ledger's personal hygiene was all that it should have been -- the photos suggest he hadn't washed his green hair in quite some time and that his lipstick was not applied with care. But from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE, the smile shows he was one happy son-of-a-bitch.

Allow me to illustrate. Do you know who Nat King Cole was? He's dead now. He was a BLACK singer. Mr. King Cole was the first singer I ever got laid to, but that's the subject of another commentary. It turns out nobody knew more about PSYCHIATRY than Mr. Nat King Cole, and especially when he sang these immortal words: "Pretend you're happy when you're blue. It isn't very hard to do. And you'll find happiness without an end. Whenever you pretend." The point of those seemingly POINTLESS WORDS is that even when you're "blue" (from a mental health perspective, that means "depressed"), you will become happy just by pretending you are happy. That, even I admit, seems idiotic, for want of a more scientific term, but I didn't write the song. And what does this have to do with Mr. Ledger?

The lesson from all this, according to Mr. King Cole, is that even if Mr. Ledger was depressed, he would have "chased those blues away" (to paraphrase Caucasian singer Frank Sinatra) when he put that big red grin on his face -- that is, merely by PRETENDING he was happy.

My diagnosis: Mr. Ledger was not depressed when he took the pills. I suspect foul play, most likely perpetrated by a jilted MALE lover who thought Mr. Ledger was really ranch hand Ennis Del Mar, the character Mr. Ledger played in a movie. ("Ennis" is a name that takes its Latin root from the word "penis," so I suspect Ennis was gay.) This is all from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE. Don't thank me for this revelation, thank Mr. Nat King Cole, who is dead.

'Hmm, Chinese or Japanese . . . Chinese or Japanese?'

2008-07-07T00:02:00.000-04:00

U.S. OBSERVES 4TH OF JULY HOLIDAY; AMERICANS CELEBRATE THEIR FREEDOM AND DIGNITY

2008-07-07T00:01:00.003-04:00

HOLIDAY WEEKEND SEES RECORD SURFING FATALITIES

2008-07-07T00:01:00.002-04:00

186 of the deaths occur at Malibu's First Annual "Mr. Zog's Sex Wax 4th of July All-American Normandy Invasion Re-Enactment Surf Spectacular"

Former Sen. Jesse Helms is dead at 86.

2008-07-07T00:00:00.003-04:00

STUDY: BEGGARS ON CELL PHONES RECEIVE CONSIDERABLY LARGER HAND-OUTS

2008-07-07T00:00:00.002-04:00

DONORS WANT TO BACK A WINNER, GIVE TO BUMS WHO "APPEAR TO BE SUCCESSFUL"

WASHINGTON - A Carbolic Institute study concludes that beggars on cell phones receive considerably larger hand-outs than beggars with only a sign and a cup.

"People are far more likely to contribute to beggars who appear to be successful," said Judge Rufus Peckham, Chairman of the Carbolic Institute. "Donors want to back a winner. So when they see a bum with a cell phone -- well, they just want to hop on his bandwagon."

The study found that some beggars using cell phones run extremely lucrative operations. Adam Kidd, for one, has been a beggar for less than a year but already owns the franchise rights to 16 New York City corners, including the three busiest in Times Square.

Kidd was a lawyer fresh out of law school working for a large corporation when he found that begging pays better. He is constantly on his cell phone, checking to make sure his employees -- or, as he calls them, "my bums" -- are manning their stations. Kidd personally operates the corner at the center of Times Square, near the George M. Cohan statue, and sometimes his line of donors extends around the block -- precisely because, he says, he never stops transacting business on his cell phone while he mooches.

"I hate to be rude to people when I'm asking them to give me money," Kidd said. "But sometimes I have to ask them to wait just a minute while I tend to a call."

And that's a price people gladly pay to back a winner.

Justices Breyer, Stevens, Souter and Ginsburg host The Living Constitution at July 4th cookout

2008-07-04T09:00:00.002-04:00

The liberal wing of the United States Supreme Court -- Justices Breyer, Stevens, Souter and Ginsburg -- are holding their annual Fourth of July picnic today at the dude ranch owned by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in Cody, Wyoming.

The Justices are unsure if fellow Justice Anthony Kennedy will show up. "Sometimes he swings out our way, sometimes he swings over to Justice Scalia's picnic," said Justice Ginsburg, wielding a branding iron. "You can never tell with him."

Just when the buffalo burgers were ready to come off the grill, the guest of honor made his appearance, The Living Constitution. The thrilled Justices let loose a "whoop whoop" shout.

"Damn! I didn't recognize you," an excited Justice Stevens shouted to The Living Constitution. "You must have done something to your font size or something. And those sunglasses are really 'you.' But you look different every time I see you."

"Hey, I'm whatever you all want me to be," joked The Living Constitution as the Justices roared with laughter. "And guess what, dudes? You don't even have to bother with Article Five"

"Article Five?" said a puzzled Justice Breyer. "I've never heard of it."

"Oh, you know, man," explained The Living Constitution in a voice dripping with sarcasm, "that's the Article that sets forth with strained and ponderous prose the unwieldy and cumbersome procedure to amend me, which is almost impossible to achieve, including ratification by three-fourths of the states' legislatures."

"F*ck that!" exploded Justice Souter, putting his hand on The Living Constitution's shoulder. "Who needs amendments when you've got The Living Constitution!" The Justices erupted in raucous laughter; some applauded.

Before the group sat down to eat, The Living Constitution introduced his new girlfriend. "Folks, this here is my latest squeeze, The Evolving Standards of Decency. I am one lucky bastard -- she does whatever I want her to do." He whispered to Justice Souter: "And she's more than willing to get together with you all, too."

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL'S SALUTE TO AMERICA ON WDVE

2008-07-04T00:33:00.002-04:00

LISTEN HERE

HALF-NAKED MAN FOUND CHAINED TO ROCK ON PITTSBURGH'S MOUNT WASHINGTON; CLAIMS HE’S BEING PUNISHED FOR GIVING MAN FIRE

2008-07-03T00:10:00.000-04:00

PITTSBURGH - Traffic on McArdle Roadway came to a standstill yesterday morning when a man was discovered chained to a rock on the side of Mount Washington. The man, who police are calling Prometheus, says has been chained to the rock for several thousand years as punishment for giving man fire.

Law enforcement officials placed an emergency call to Professor of Greek Mythology Edith Hamilton, who arrived in town shortly before noon. After a brief discussion with Mr. Prometheus, she vouched for his credibility. “The kid’s story checks out,” said Police Chief Nate Harper. “He’s in a great deal of pain, and appears to be suffering from some type of abdominal mutilation.”

Mr. Prometheus told officers attempting to free him that his liver is eaten on a daily basis by an eagle. “He begged Officer Corbett to shoot the bird as it made it’s descent toward his torso, but the officer refused,” said Harper. The Chief said the officer acted properly, citing environmental protection laws and the eagles’ presence on the endangered species list. “We could have been in hot water with the ASPCA if we had shot that thing.” The officers waited until the eagle had finished before allowing EMT personnel to take Mr. Prometheus to the hospital.

While he recuperates, Chief Harper said officials will determine if any criminal charges will be filed arising from the fire theft. “I understand the victim in this case is a Mr. Apollo,” he said. “If he wants to press charges, then the kid's troubles might not be over.”

A Carbolic salute to America!

2008-07-03T00:06:00.000-04:00

CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: JULY 3, 1776: "REJOICE, FOR WE SHALL ALWAYS BE ENGLISHMEN!"

2008-07-03T00:03:00.003-04:00

EDITORIAL BY THE HON. JOSIAH PECKHAM, EDITOR: Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies' ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I've conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams assured me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting. Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information. I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November between me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold and I had nowhere else to sleep). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

No, dear readers, one-hundred, nay, two-hundred years from now and beyond, the misguided devotees of independence will have been long forgotten, and we shall rejoice, as we now rejoice, that we are Englishmen!

REMAINS OF THREE MEN ACCIDENTALLY BAKED ALIVE BY PRES. NIXON FINALLY RETURNED TO FAMILIES

2008-07-03T00:03:00.002-04:00

Rendell to defend title in Coney Island hot dog eating contest against Al Gore

2008-07-03T00:03:00.001-04:00

Former VP convinces contest organizers to ban spicy hot mustard since it contributes to global warming

PROCTOR & GAMBLE TEST RESULTS: THESE COLORS REALLY DO RUN

2008-07-03T00:03:00.000-04:00

CINCINNATI, Ohio - Consumer product behemoth Proctor & Gamble today announced that following a series of grueling tests, Old Glory's colors really do run when washed.

"Patriotic slogan aside, we tried Cheer®, we tried Downey®, and guess what? The flag looked like the gay rainbow when it came out of the washer," said P&G Chairman George Fenneman. "Not that that's a bad thing, but I think this patriotism is a bunkum."

In a private interview, Fenneman also told a reporter that the urban legend regarding Proctor & Gamble's corporate logo is true. "Yes, it is a satanic symbol," Fenneman whispered. He eyes nervously darted around the room. "There are sinister forces at work in this company, but the last person to say that out loud ended up as a roll of Charmin® . . ." Fenneman heard someone walking down the hall and quickly terminated the interview.

Newly released Nixon tape: "I threw '60 debates to let JFK win election -- by looking shifty, sweaty"

2008-07-03T00:02:00.002-04:00

ON SAME TAPE, NIXON PITIES UN AMBASSADOR GEORGE H. W. BUSH, FOR RAISING "RETARDED SON"
WASHINGTON - Richard Nixon claimed he "threw" the debates with John F. Kennedy leading up to the 1960 election because "Nancy Reagan's astrologer told me the winner would be assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963." This is among the startling revelations on the newly-released recording of a November 14, 1971 Oval Office meeting between Nixon and Henry Kissinger:

NIXON: . . . It was ten minutes before the first debate, Henry, and Nancy and some tall guy, a real dandy, came tearing into the studio . . .

KISSINGER: Who was the dandy?

NIXON: What's that?

KISSINGER: Who was the dandy?

NIXON: Just . . . [inaudible] . . . Nancy's astrologer. And Nancy's crying about "Dallas" and all this, and "please don't win, Dick," she said. "Let Kennedy win because whoever's elected is going to be gunned down in Dallas on November 22, 1963." That's just what she told me, Henry, she said that very date. Sends chills up my spine in retrospect. Now Henry, I know you may think this is silly, you being a Harvard Jew and all . . .

KISSINGER: No, Mr. President, anything you tell me by its very nature can't be silly.

NIXON: . . . So Nancy -- she knows all these Hollywood tricks and so forth, she grabs me and practically dunks my head in this glycerin because -- see Henry, you may not know this, but I don't have any sweat glands. None whatsoever. Nancy said we've got to make it look like I'm sweating like a pig, you know -- nervous, so I'd lose the debate. And then she pulled out what they call a stipple sponge and made it look like I had a heavy five o'clock shadow. Truth is, I probably have the lightest beard of any grown man in America.

KISSINGER: The glycerin would have the characteristics of . . .

NIXON: . . . glycerin would act like sweat. Then Nancy had this suit of clothes which were a couple sizes too big for me, so it made me look sick, like I'd lost weight or something. Fact is, I couldn't have been more fit. But the most important thing she did, she taught me how I should look around the room like I'm shifty, you know -- can't be trusted. That was the hardest part for me.

KISSINGER: Very clever woman. Too bad she married such a dumbell.

NIXON: . . . Do you know that when that [expletive deleted] Kennedy was shot, I sent Nancy a case of California oranges?

KISSINGER: I must say, Mr. President, how fortunate the free world is that you heeded that superstitious advise.

LATER ON THE SAME TAPE

NIXON: . . . most of the people in this administration, I'm happy with. Bush at the UN has a good future ahead of him.

KISSINGER: But, Sir, I am concerned about a man who doesn't like broccoli.

NIXON: Don't be hard on him, Henry. He's got it tough. Must be difficult raising a retarded boy in this day and age.

KISSINGER: You mean his son?

NIXON: Kid's name is George also. Poor young man will never be able to function on his own. Father tells me he thinks everybody -- the butcher, the minister, the crossing guard -- is hiding weapons of mass destruction. So sad, Henry. So sad.

CAMPAIGN TRAIL MIRACLE

2008-07-03T00:02:00.001-04:00

Obama touches Liberty Bell, heals crack.

ARRIVING TRAVELERS AT PITTSBURGH AIRPORT COMPLAIN IT'S 'INAPPROPRIATE' TO HAVE STATUE OF FRANCO HARRIS STANDING NEXT TO GEORGE WASHINGTON

2008-07-03T00:02:00.000-04:00

ONE MAN'S COMPLAINT WAS TYPICAL: "WASHINGTON MADE ZERO CONTRIBUTION TO THE STEELERS"

CARBOLIC FLASHBACK TO NOVEMBER 26, 1963: THE FILM REVIEW LEE HARVEY OSWALD WAS WRITING AT THE TIME OF HIS ARREST

2008-07-03T00:01:00.002-04:00

NOVEMBER 26, 1963: The following is the final film review by late Carbolic Smoke Ball film critic Lee Harvey Oswald. Last Friday, Mr. Oswald was arrested by Dallas police at the Texas Theater while he was screening "War is Hell" for this news outlet, less than two hours after President Kennedy was assassinated downtown. He was charged with murdering the President and a police officer. As shown below, Oswald's review of the film was not completed at the time of his arrest. Carbolic Smoke Ball regrets that Mr. Oswald was murdered yesterday, before he was afforded the opportunity to vindicate himself of the baseless charges against him or write any more film reviews. His contributions to this news outlet will be greatly missed.

ONE MAN'S HEAVEN IS ANOTHER MAN'S WAR IS HELL

FILM REVIEW BY LEE HARVEY OSWALD - Hollywood so feared the theme of War is Hell that it kept it on the shelf for three years. This minor gem, finally opening today, chronicles a blood thirsty U.S. Army Sergeant's quest for medals during the Korean War as he leads his platoon into battle but fails to tell his men a cease fire is in effect. The men gradually realize something is amiss, and there's a whiff of Potemkin in their talk of mutiny.

Was Hollywood's reluctance to release this film prompted by the uncanny similarity of the egomaniacal Sergeant to the late President John F. Kennedy, whose imperialist designs pushed the world to the brink of nuclear destruction over missiles in Cuba despite the Soviet Union's peaceful intentions? The question scarcely survives its statement. Death to Kennedy! Death to Kennedy! But I digress.

Some Hollywood bigwig hit upon a way to make the film palatable to squeamish Americans who prefer their warriors mentally stable by trotting out the most decorated hero of the last great world war, Audie Murphy, to narrate a prologue that assures filmgoers it's safe to watch. I, for one, could never understand how the name "Audie" suited a male, but no one else I've talked to seems to have a problem with it.

Veteran TV actor Baynes Barron gives a spot-on performance as the ruthless JFK-like Sergeant. The actors who play the platoon members all seem to be about the right age, which is a first for Hollywood -- in contrast to, say, the Borscht Belt comics who play the sailors in the popular TV sitcom McHale's Navy. Their average age is 58.

Oh, no, they're coming for me! The jig is up . . . .

Editor's note: The review abruptly ends here.

Shocker: Jimmy Carter and Eleanor Roosevelt -- are the same person!

2008-07-03T00:01:00.001-04:00

Diaries of disappointed colonial women reveal meaning of term "minutemen"

2008-07-03T00:01:00.000-04:00

NEW BOOK: McCARTHY WITCH HUNT HERO REBUKED EVERYONE HE MET: "HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY"

2008-07-03T00:00:00.001-04:00

JOSEPH WELCH'S FAMOUS REPRIMAND OF SEN. JOSEPH McCARTHY WAS "JUST EVERYDAY TALK" FOR THE BOSTON ATTORNEY

WASHINGTON - The confrontation between seasoned attorney Joseph Welch, who represented the United States Army, and Senatory Joseph McCarthy on June 9, 1954 during the "Army-McCarthy" hearings marked the beginning of the end for McCarthy's anti-communist crusade. The jousting began when McCarthy accused a young attorney in Welch's law firm of formerly belonging to a group that aided communism. Before a nationwide television audience, Welch famously reprimanded McCarthy for the accusation, helping to turn the tide of public opinion against the Wisconsin senator.

While Welch's rebuke seemed dramatic, according to a new biography it was just everyday talk for the Boston attorney, who rebuked practically everyone he met with precisely the same language he directed at McCarthy, even for trivial or imagined slights and regardless of whether it was appropriate to the situation.

When a waiter accidentally spilled water on Welch's pants and tried to wipe it up, Welch sharply rebuked him: "You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"

When Welch's bus driver accidentally stopped twenty feet beyond Welch's stop, Welch rebuked him: "Until this moment, sir, I think I never really gauged your cruelty, or your recklessness. If it were within my power to forgive your reckless cruelty, I would do so but your forgiveness will have to come from someone other than me."

When a barber accidentally nicked Welch's son's neck, Welch rebuked him: "It is, I regret to say, true that this boy shall always bear a scar needlessly inflicted by you."

After Welch's famous encounter with Senator McCarthy, he went on to play a judge in Otto Preminger's Anatomy of a Murder. Footage showing Welch rebuking Preminger for the latter's decision to reduce Welch's role ended up on the cutting room floor.

Obama slipping: Renounces people he's already renounced

2008-07-02T00:06:00.000-04:00

PROSTHETIC LIMB INDUSTRY ANTICIPATING BIG BUSINESS FOLLOWING FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND; COMBINATION OF ALCOHOL, EXPLOSIVES TO INCREASE SALES

2008-07-02T00:05:00.000-04:00

(New Limbsville) - Dan Malloy, a spokesman for the National Association of Prosthetic Limb Retailers, said the industry expects “higher than normal sales” following this year's Fourth of July celebration. Factors involved in the rosy forecast include the long three day holiday weekend, the anticipated consumption of massive amounts of alcohol by millions of people and the accessibility of cheap explosives.

Industry analysts also believe that President Bush’s economic stimulus package, which included billions of dollars in tax rebates, will give Americans more disposable income that will allow them to replace the charred end of a body part with one of their products. During prior economic slow-downs, self-made amputees were more likely to go without, or fashion their own, crude limbs on garage work benches, or in high school shop classes. This year, that won’t be necessary.

“There’s no question, a lot of people are going to drink and light fireworks,” said Mr. Malloy, “And when they lose that finger, or hand, we want them to know we’re here, ready to provide them with a fully operational, artificial appendage that will look and feel almost like the one they’ve lost. Our phones answer twenty-four hours a day. In most cases, we can have you in a new limb within twenty-four hours.” Mr. Malloy said many prosthetic manufacturers are offering special discounts on new products over the next five to seven days. “Be sure to check your weekly circular,” he advised.

Obama staff: McCain had 'no idea the suffering the Vietnam War caused America' while he was a POW

2008-07-02T00:04:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON - Members of the Obama campaign staff say that John McCain's time as a POW captive during the Vietnam War left him "out of touch" with the pain and suffering Americans back home felt over the war.

"He has no idea what we went through," said high ranking Obama staffer Uday Hussein. "If Senator McCain had been at the peace rallies in San Francisco, he would have seen the fear and the anxiety on the tortured faces of the draft resisters, the flower children and the peace-niks.

"But John McCain doesn't understand that suffering because John McCain was over getting captured by the Vietnamese when his plane crashed in a lake near Hanoi," said Hussein.

"John McCain will never understand how tortured we were by the Vietnam war."

Warren Buffet: 'I could buy and sell you, little girl.'

2008-07-02T00:03:00.001-04:00

Barry Bonds' ex-teammates say 'asterisk' on historic baseball 'not fair, because Bonds' 'steroid physique' caused by third testicle, not steroids

2008-07-02T00:03:00.000-04:00

SAN FRANCISCO - Barry Bonds' record 756th homerun ball was given to Baseball's Hall of Fame in Cooperstown today, and the Hall said it will display it with an asterisk, symbolizing that the record is tainted by Bonds' steroid usage.

But Bonds' ex-San Francisco Giants' teammates are objecting to the asterisk. They revealed for the first time that Bonds' steroid physique was not caused by steroids but by a third testicle Bonds had surgically implanted in a desperate attempt to boost his home run total starting in 1998.

Ex-team trainer Stan Conte explained the impetus for the surgery: "Barry was unhappy about the publicity [Mark] McGwire was getting in '98 when he was chasing Roger Maris' [single season home run] record. So I told him, 'Barry, you do what I tell you, and I guarantee you McGwire will be only two-thirds the man you are." Conte located a gonad donor and performed the surgery himself in Haiti. Conte explained that "no reputable physician would do it, not even in San Francisco."

Former teammate Jason Schmidt said that Bonds had no choice but to level with his fellow Giants about the implant "because we saw him in the shower all the time." Schmidt asked that this reporter make clear that he did not intentionally look at Bonds or any other naked player in the shower; that he keeps his head down and focused on his own private parts at all times while showering; and that if any naked player happens to come into his line of vision, through no fault of his own, he averts his eyes "regardless of the number of testicles or other male appendages that player may or may not have." But Schmidt explained: "You couldn't help but notice that after the surgery, Barry's -- how can I put this delicately? His junk had shrunk -- I don't know how else to say it." Schmidt looked around furtively. "Turns out the donor was a white guy," he whispered.

Former manager Felipe Alou, contacted for this story, said he wasn't told about the surgery at first, but he noticed something different right away. "I walked into the lockerroom after the surgery and I said, in my best English, 'Wow, can that Bonds fill out a jock or what!'"

Contrary to his public image as a moody, spoiled athlete, Bonds took his teammates' ribbing about his additional body part with good nature. Alou explained: "A day wouldn't go by that somebody wouldn't say, 'No wonder Barry walks so much. When he comes to bat, he's already got three balls on him.' It's amazing how that same joke would crack us up every time!"

Ex-trainer Conte said that the implant never affected Barry in a negative way, "except that he started scratching himself 33 percent more than the other guys -- and that's an exact figure because I kept close track of that." Conte insisted that the league requires each team to maintain careful records of "ball scratching." Conte also noted that the donor he located for Bonds, major league pitcher Kris Benson, has not fared as well since the operation "because Benson's become afraid to challenge hitters on the mound; you know, a sissie."

MUGABE SWORN IN FOR SIXTH TERM AS PRESIDENT OF ZIMBABWE; ASSURES ZIMBABWE PEOPLE HE WILL KEEP CAMPAIGN PROMISE TO ENRICH SELF, KILL ENEMIES

2008-07-01T00:05:00.000-04:00

HARARE , Zimbabwe - President Robert Mugabe assured the people of this African nation they “had nothing to fear except me, myself” in remarks delivered during his sixth inauguration address.

Mr. Mugabe emerged victorious in a hard-fought campaign in which he ran against himself. “I was a tough opponent, and I congratulate me on running a good, clean race. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and now that the votes have been counted, I pledge to join myself in working together to build a better future for the people of this country.”

He added that in the coming days, he would bring “nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror” to every corner of Zimbabwe. “I am certain that my fellow Zimbabweans expect that on my induction into the Presidency I will address them with a candor which the present situation of our nation impels,” he said. He then identified a list of enemies he would kill during the first one-hundred days of the newest Mugabe administration. “This nation asks for action, and action now.” Among the numerous groups on the new President’s “to kill” list are the following: human rights activists, election monitors, U.N. relief workers, Hollywood celebrities looking to adopt, and telemarketers. Professor Mike Maloney of the Kennedy School of Government said Mugabe’s ambitious goals mirror those established by a four-term American president, FDR. “The difference, of course, is that Roosevelt used his first one hundred days to put in place much of the modern welfare state, instead of just imprisoning, torturing and executing people.”

It's about time we had separate public restrooms for men and women

2008-07-01T00:04:00.000-04:00

COMMENTARY BY SAMUEL BLATCHFORD, INTERNATIONAL BON VIVANT - I am going to assert something that every rational person has thought about but that most are afraid to come out and say: males and females need SEPARATE restrooms in public places.

Every public place -- the ballpark, restaurants, you name it -- should have not one but two restrooms: one marked "Men," the other marked "Women."

I know that this suggestion is going to create controversy, and I know it will be expensive to create additional restrooms everywhere. But the two genders were not put on earth to simultaneously expose their privates or semi-privates in public or semi-public places.

I am sick to death of trying to wash my hands in a public restroom with women crowding the sinks, APPLYING MAKE-UP and the like.

I am sick to death of finding a newspaper in the stall after a woman has used it -- and it's never THE SPORTS SECTION. It is always some damned "features" article with some damned gynocentric, male bashing slant. The article I found there yesterday was titled, "Castrate All the Men," or some such damned thing.

I am sick to death of women who don't understand basic urinal etiquette. Some take the urinal directly next mine despite the fact there are many other empty urinals not as close. I've come to the incontrovertible conclusion that the only reason they do this is to SNEAK A PEEK at my wee-wee.

Now how sick it that?! I feel violated every time I urinate.

Once we get the women out of our restrooms, then we'll concentrate on getting them out of the NFL. But that's the subject of another commentary.

VP Cheney pees on President's desk 'just because I can'

2008-07-01T00:03:00.000-04:00

Censored

CHENEY GIVES PUBLIC DEMONSTRATION OF MIND CONTROL POWERS: FORCES BUSH TO SING 'POP GOES THE WEASEL' IN MIDDLE OF SPEECH

2008-07-01T00:02:00.001-04:00

THE VATICAN, KDKA APOLOGIZE FOR CRUSADES, FIRING BOB PRINCE

2008-07-01T00:01:00.001-04:00

VATICAN CITY - Seeking atonement for what they call "two of history's greatest injustices," Pope Benedict read a statement from the balcony of his apartment jointly prepared by the Vatican and KDKA Radio of Pittsburgh:

The Holy See and KDKA news talk 1020 radio, in communion with people of good throughout all ages, express their profound sorrow for the roles they played in the unconscionable atrocities of the so-called "crusades" of the early middle ages as well as the termination of Pirates broadcaster Bob Prince in the mid-1970's. We humbly acknowledge that our participation in these improvident events created a serious rift between Christians and Muslims that has never fully healed and deprived baseball fans of the incalculable joy of hearing such phrases as 'kiss it goodbye,' and 'spread some chicken on the hill with Will.' The Holy See and KDKA are deeply saddened by the grievous suffering caused by the these acts, and commit ourselves to healing the wounds of all who were offended so that we can achieve genuine brotherhood with all peoples.

TRUMP TO PUT DOME ON ROMAN COLISEUM

2008-07-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

FINALLY, THE GLAMOUR OF ATLANTIC CITY COMES TO THE ETERNAL CITY

ROME - Donald Trump says he wants to bring to the Eternal City the same "glitz and sizzle" he brought to Atlantic City by putting a "state of the art" dome on the Roman Coliseum.

"The Coliseum is probably the second greatest sports venue in the history of the world, behind the [Madison Square] Garden, of course." But, Trump cautioned, "I'll need to air condition it before I can book any serious boxing matches there. Which means it definitely needs a dome."

Trump says the Coliseum will need lots of work to bring it into the 21st century. "Did you know that there is no Jumbotron in that arena?" he asked.

But the Coliseum isn't the only Roman attraction Trump wants to upgrade. He also has his sights set on the Vatican's Sistine Chapel. "The minute I walked in there and saw that magnificent artwork, I naturally said to myself, 'This room would make a great Cheesecake Factory.' Of course, I'd have to tear out a wall to build the kitchen into the Vatican Museum."

Trump turned playfully to his young wife, Melania Knauss. "Let's go back to our hotel room, and I'll show you the glory that was ancient Rome." Mrs. Trump replied, "I think you mean the ruins."

'I'm for unity and all that crap, but no, I will not do the fist bump with you.'

2008-06-30T00:10:00.001-04:00

Disembodied voice of Tim Russert guides interim 'Meet the Press' host Tom Brokaw

2008-06-30T00:07:00.002-04:00

"Use the force, Tom! Use the force!"

Miss Gay Pittsburgh Crowned

2008-06-30T00:06:00.003-04:00

Winner chosen for her poise, preference for “vaginas n’at.”

'You da squirrel!'

2008-06-30T00:06:00.002-04:00

President Bush finding he's increasingly irrelevant

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: June 30, 1938

2008-06-30T00:05:00.000-04:00

ADOLPH HITLER TO VISIT WALTONS' MOUNTAIN; NAZI LEADER LOOKING AT PROPERTY FOR RETIREMENT HOME FOLLOWING WORLD CONQUEST

(Charlottesville) - Adolph Hitler, Supreme Leader of the German people, announced that he will visit Walton’s Mountain this summer to explore the possibility of building his retirement home in this archetypical rural community. The announcement was made by Mr. Hitler’s Minister of Propaganda, Dr. Joseph Goebbels.

“The Fuehrer is looking at several locations,” he said. “Nothing is definite yet.” Dr. Goebbels said there were a number of issues that needed to be resolved before a decision is reached. “We’re in the middle of planning a World War right now, and that’s taking up a lot of time.”

It is believed that Mr. Hitler is interested in building on Walton’s Mountain because it would allow him to utilize the lumber mill owned and operated on site by the men of the Walton family. “And, when you factor in that we’ll be using slave labor, we’ll really be able to keep costs down,” said Dr. Goebbels. Informed of the imminent Hitler visit, members of the Walton clan could barely contain their excitement. Grandpa Walton said he couldn’t wait to bore the worlds most famous National Socialist with tales of his youthful adventures with former President Theodore Roosevelt. Mama Walton wondered if Mr. Hitler wouldn’t enjoy some of her delicious peach cobbler, and John-Boy Walton said he’d be “pleased as all get-out to write a few speeches” for the man who might someday be their neighbor.

D.C. residents celebrate Supreme Court decision upholding right to bear arms

2008-06-27T00:10:00.000-04:00

Corleone family applauds Supreme Court decision upholding right to bear arms

2008-06-27T00:09:00.001-04:00

Pittsburgh's troubled River Rescue fleet taps Captain Quint

2008-06-27T00:09:00.000-04:00

Pittsburgh’s troubled River Rescue fleet has turned to veteran helmsman Captain Quint to take command of the unit.

The crusty old salt got the job after screeching his fingernails on a blackboard during a city council meeting, causing some council members to think that former Mayor Masloff was speaking.

Captain Quint agreed to assume command of the fleet on condition that all the River Rescue vessels be scrapped in favor of his seasoned boat, The Orca, and that the entire crew be fired. “There are too many captains on this island,” he explained.

Captain Quint scoffed at suggestions that he is going to need a bigger boat and insisted that his vessel can handle any size shark that might surface on the Ohio River.

ELIOT SPITZER CELEBRATES FOUR MONTHS WITHOUT USING A PROSTITUTE; EX-NEW YORK GOVERNOR DECLARES: 'I’VE BEATEN MY ADDICTION TO HOOKERS'

2008-06-27T00:08:00.000-04:00

(New York) - A smiling Eliot Spitzer greeted reporters at the entrance to his Manhattan residence this morning and proudly announced that he has gone four months without using the services of a prostitute. Mr. Spitzer was flanked by his wife, Silda. “I am happy to state that at this point in my recovery, I am totally hooker-free.” Mr. Spitzer, who resigned as Governor of New York following revelations that he engaged in a series of pay-for-sex trysts at the Mayflower Hotel with a woman named Ashley Dupre, said he now realizes the sordid activities he participated in weren’t his fault.

“I have a serious illness, and that illness frequently compels me to engage in depraved sexual acts with a woman who isn’t my wife.” Mr. Spitzer said the first part of the healing process was accepting the fact that he was a victim. “I just didn’t want to believe it. I’m a normal, healthy, middle-aged American male with a successful law practice, Governor of the Empire State , a great future in politics. How could this happen to me? How do I come down with something that makes me want to shack up with a woman half my age, a woman who does sick, twisted, amazing things that would make the hair on Hugh Hefner’s back stand at attention?” he asked.

Mr. Spitzer said only after circumstances forced him to accept the fact that he was afflicted with an insidious disease could he give the matter serious reflection. “It took some time, but I’ve finally forgiven myself.”

Special effects maestro’s death leaves Al Gore in limbo

2008-06-27T00:05:00.000-04:00

The death of special effects wizard Stan Winston leaves the status of former Vice President Al Gore uncertain.

Winston, who created the visual effects for “Jurassic Park” and “Aliens,” also animated the Al Gore puppet, which was so realistic that it ran for the presidency and received more popular votes than George W. Bush in 2000.

The Al Gore puppet is now being stored in a closet awaiting the decision of its handlers either to retain a new special effects firm to animate it or to sell it on eBay.

Catholic Bishop David Zubik selected for jury duty in criminal case, assures counsel 'I'll be fair'

2008-06-26T00:07:00.000-04:00

"I will even make myself available to hear the confessions of the depraved, wantonly degenerate criminals. And I promise not to prejudge them."

HANK STEINBRENNER: DAD'S HEALTH SO BAD, HE “NO LONGER REMEMBERS WHAT AN ASSHOLE HE WAS”

2008-06-26T00:06:00.003-04:00

(Pittsburgh) - Hank Steinbrenner, son of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, said his father’s health has deteriorated to the point that he no longer remembers what an asshole he was. George Steinbrenner, who is rumored to be suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, hasn’t spoken to the media for months. His last public appearance was on opening day at Yankee Stadium this season, where he was observed instructing his limousine driver to “cut it close to the curb” so as to splash water from an overflowing sewer onto a homeless invalid panhandler.

Hank Steinbrenner told reporters that he hasn’t heard his father yell at anyone in several months. “The other day, a busboy walked by him on the way to clear a table, and his cufflink was crooked. There was a time when Dad would have upbraided this slob with a torrent of obscenities, before throwing him out on the street. And then calling immigration authorities to have his entire family deported. But those days are gone,” he sighed, before dissolving in tears. He quickly regained his composure, barking at a Pirates intern who brought him the wrong tissue. “What the hell’s the matter with you? I only use Puffs! Do you hear me, boy? Get Nutting on the line!”

After placing a call to the Pirates owner, Steinbrenner grew wistful. “I know Dad has built quite a legacy,” he said. “If I only turn out to be half the asshole he was, that’ll be fine by me.”

ZOO OFFICIALS: FEMALE ELEPHANTS PLANNED TO GET PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME

2008-06-26T00:04:00.000-04:00

Both Moja and Savannah days away from giving birth; will raise their babies together

George Carlin Tribute

2008-06-26T00:03:00.001-04:00

ABC, CBS, NBC to celebrate George Carlin's legacy with special episodes of "Law and F*cking Order," "How I Met Your Motherf*cker" and "Shit! I'm Lost"

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR LATEST SPOT ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW . . .

2008-06-26T00:00:00.000-04:00

LISTEN HERE

MAZ SAYS HE WAS ON LSD WHEN HE HIT GAME-WINNING HOMER IN 1960 SERIES; HALL-OF-FAMER CLAIMS HE GOT IT FROM DANNY MURTAUGH

2008-06-25T00:08:00.000-04:00

PITTSBURGH - Hall of Fame second baseman Bill Mazeroski made a startling admission to reporters prior to last night's Pirates game. “I was on LSD when I hit that home run in sixty,” he said. “I don’t remember a thing about it.” Speaking to a media assemblage in town for the Pirates-Yankees three game interleague series, Mr. Mazeroski revealed hitherto unknown facts about the game, the home run, and his introduction to hallucinogenic drugs.

“Danny Murtaugh turned me on to it,” he said, referring to the Pirates manager. “He was always kidding me, telling me I was too uptight, calling me a square. He gave it to me during infield practice before the game. He told me it would make me see things I’d never seen before. He was right.” Mr. Mazeroski said Mr. Murtaugh obtained the LSD from his good friend, Timothy Leary. “Danny and Timmy hung out together for a long time,” he said. “Matter of fact, they shared a room in Haight-Ashbury for many years.”

Mr. Mazeroski said he knows his willingness to share such an unsavory piece of information may tarnish what for many baseball fans is one of the game's greatest moments. “But you know what? I’ve walked around for almost fifty years pretending. People never get tired of asking, but I’m sick of lying about it. I wish I could recall the moment, but the truth is, I spent the whole afternoon higher than the Cathedral of Learning. I didn’t come down from that trip for weeks.”

PETER PAN GROWS UP, BLAMES BARRY BONDS' TRAINER

2008-06-25T00:06:00.004-04:00

Last weekend, Peter Pan, the magical boy "who wouldn't grow up," experienced a three-inch growth spurt and sprouted facial and chest hair for the first time, leading him to panic in a voice that noticeably cracked, "I've lost my cachet, I'm becoming a man!"

Mr. Pan attributed the sudden onset of puberty to his use of a clear substance and a cream that he received from his personal strength trainer, Greg Anderson, who also previously served as Barry Bonds' trainer. Anderson told Mr. Pan that the substances were the nutritional supplement flaxseed oil and a rubbing balm for arthritis when, in reality, they were anabolic steroids. Friends say that Mr. Pan is "livid" and determined to "sue Anderson's ass off."

Since the growth spurt, Mr. Pan reportedly spends every night at a local strip club satisfying a sudden interest in girls.

17 Girls at a Massachusetts High School Enter Into 'Pregnancy Pact'

2008-06-25T00:05:00.001-04:00

Local boys get wind of it, thus far 472 have signed up to assist.

Yankees came to town, couldn’t find Forbes Field

2008-06-25T00:03:00.003-04:00

The New York Yankees came to Pittsburgh for the first time since they lost to the Bucs in the 1960 World Series and got lost trying to find Forbes Field. Forbes Field was torn down in 1970, and the Forbes Quadrangle, a building of the University of Pittsburgh, was erected on the site. Yankees captain Derek Jeter said the team entered a door they thought was the visitor’s clubhouse “but all of a sudden we were taking a midterm in Intro to Poly Sci 101.”

2008-06-25T00:02:00.000-04:00

Yankees Celebrate Impending Sweep of Pirates in 3-Day Visit

2008-06-24T00:06:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK -- A jubilant New York Yankees hugged, popped open champagne bottles and thrust high-fives into the air yesterday as they celebrated an impending three-day sweep of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

“I can’t begin to tell you the emotions I’m feeling right now,” said a tearful first baseman Jason Giambi. “I’m going to collect myself, call home and talk to my wife and pinch myself.”

The Yankees are scheduled to play the Pirates at Pittsburgh’s PNC Park June 24 through 26.

The team clubhouse erupted in cheers and wild celebrating yesterday after Yankees manager Joe Torre reminded them of the upcoming road trip following Sunday’s 4-1 win over Cincinnati.

“This is the kind of moment you spend your career building to,” said rookie second baseman Robinson Cano, who said that as a youngster growing up in the Dominican Republican “I always knew that however hard my life could be, there would be the Pittsburgh Pirates.”

New York police struggled last night to control fans who rushed into the city streets in a spontaneous outpouring of happiness at word of the impending rout.

“I’ve seen these things before, but this time there’s a real sense of elation,” said cabbie Achmar O’Brien. “New Yorker’s know how to celebrate, but they’ve gotta be given something to celebrate about. This is definitely it.”

Mayor Michael Bloomberg sent a telegram of congratulations to the team on hearing of the forthcoming sweep.

“All New York is again proud of this team and we salute your upcoming accomplishments,” the mayor said.

ANTON CHIGUHR IS LARRY KING'S GUEST TONIGHT

2008-06-24T00:05:00.002-04:00

LARRY: Our next guest is hitman Anton Chiguhr whose new book, "Anton's Way," details a life in crime. Anton, do people still rely on hitmen out your way?

ANTON: What way would that be?

LARRY: Well, the back of your book says you're from Dallas, and that's the only research I did in advance of this interview . . .

ANTON: What business is it of yours where I'm from, friendo?

LARRY: Don't get so touchy, Anton. Let's take some calls. Phoenix, go ahead.

CALLER: Hello, who is this?

ANTON: You know who it is.

CALLER: Ah, well, I just wanted to ask . . .

ANTON: You know how this is going to turn out, don't you?

CALLER: Um, I'm not sure what you mean by that . . .

ANTON: I think you do. So this is what I'll offer. You bring me the money and I'll let her go. Otherwise she's accountable. The same as you. That's the best deal you're going to get. I won't tell you you can save yourself because you can't.

LARRY: Ah, Anton -- Anton, is something wrong?

ANTON: With what?

LARRY: With anything?

ANTON: Is that what you're asking me? Is there something wrong with anything?

LARRY: Well, I need to, you know, wrap things up, bring the show to a close. So if you'd like to talk about your book . . .

ANTON: What time do you end the show?

LARRY: Now.

ANTON: Now is not a time. What time do you go to bed?

LARRY: About 9:30 I'd say. What has that got to do with . . .

ANTON: ...What's the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?

LARRY: Sir?

ANTON: The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss?

LARRY: Well, I couldn't say . . .

ANTON: (He tosses a coin) Call it.

LARRY: Well - we need to know what it is we're calling for here.

ANTON: You need to call it. I can't call it for you. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't even be right.

LARRY: I didn't put anything up.

ANTON: Yes you did. You been putting it up your whole life. You just didn't know it.

LARRY: Anton, let me ask you, do you have any idea how crazy you are?

ANTON: You mean the nature of this conversation?

LARRY: I mean the nature of you.

[Anton aims his captive bolt pistol at Larry's head and fires it, causing Larry's lifeless body to crumble to the floor]

ANTON: Seattle, go ahead.

CALLER: Is Larry there?

ANTON: Not in the sense that you mean.

McCain calls for $300 million prize to cure jowls

2008-06-24T00:04:00.004-04:00

Presumptive Republican nominee also says prizes on quiz show "Jeopardy" need to be "jacked up," calls them a "national disgrace"

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: June 24, 1961

2008-06-24T00:04:00.002-04:00

SAM GIANCANA ENJOYING NEW ROLE AS BOY SCOUT LEADER; REPUTED HEAD OF CHICAGO OUTFIT SAYS HE LOVES WORKING WITH KIDS, KILLING

CHICAGO - Sam “Momo” Giancana, a self-described independent businessman who, according to the Justice Department, is also a murderous member of La Cosa Nostra, called his recent weekend camping trip a complete success. Mr. Giancana has assumed the role of Scoutmaster for a troop of adolescent boys as part of a community service program he was required to enter following his conviction in the manslaughter death of Don “No Knuckles” Deluca.

According to one member of the troop, Mr. Giancana has been an informative, inspirational leader. “Mr. Sam showed us how to start a fire, using only a little kerosene and some rags,” said fifteen--ear old Doug Wagner of Oak Park. “Mr. Sam said you never know when you’ll have to torch a place to collect the insurance.” When this reporter attempted to ascertain young Wagner’s Boy Scout bona fides by asking him to recite the Boy Scout oath, Wagner invoked his Fifth Amendment rights. “I decline to answer on the grounds it may incriminate me,” he said.

Mr. Giancana recounted the details of his first camping trip as a Scout leader during a meeting with the Carbolic Smoke Ball Editorial Board this morning. “Me and the boys took a little ride out to Kane County on Saturday,” said Mr. Giancana. “I had them help me dispose of some garbage.” Mr. Giancana said the garbage was “so important” that it had to be “buried as far away from the city as possible.” He declined to identify the location of the burial site.

FCC BANS CARLIN’S ‘SEVEN WORDS’ FROM TOMBSTONE

2008-06-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

Statewide Grand Jury Issues Presentment, Charges Media With Taking Easy Out By Calling Scandal ‘Bonusgate’

2008-06-24T00:00:00.001-04:00

HARRISBURG -- A statewide grand jury yesterday recommended charges of widespread cultural crimes and intellectual laziness against the Pennsylvania media for referring to the ongoing scandal surrounding pay bonuses in return for partisan political work as “Bonusgate.”

“On or about Jan. 26, 2007, the media first reported a suspicious linkage between large taxpayer funded pay bonuses for select state employees and political work performed by those same employees,” the jury said in a 78-page presentment.

“The lazy bastards immediately started calling it ‘Bonusgate,’ as if adding the suffix ‘gate’ to something automatically labels it as a scandal. It’s as if they couldn’t help themselves.”

In a separate presentment, the jury also recommended charges against a score of newspapers for coverage that predicted the jury would issue indictments.

"Said individuals knew or should have known that grand juries in Pennsylvania do not indict. They issue presentments, which are recommendations for authorities with the power to bring criminal charges to do so," the indic -- er, presentment, said.

Attorney General Tom Corbett, who convened the grand jury after word of the bonuses, said he has issued arrest warrants for reporters Charles Thompson of the Harrisburg Patriot-News, Dennis Roddy and Tracie Mauriello of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Mario Cattabiani of the Philadelphia Inquirer, Brad Bumsted and Debra Erdley of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and several television and radio copy writers.

“Despite clear indications that they knew, or should have known, that you can’t just add ‘gate’ to something and call it a scandal, these individuals conspired to undermine the intellectual well being of countless Pennsylvania citizens who had every right to be safe in their syntax,” Corbett told a thinly attended press conference.

Attorney Jeremiah Klein, who represents several of the journalists and their newspapers, said his clients were victims of “a climate of clarity” and said he would vigorously fight the charges.

“'Bonusgate,' while I am not excusing the term, fits into two column headlines. ‘Payroll Bonus Scandal’ does not. I think we need to understand the atmosphere that led to these cultural offenses."

BE SURE TO PICK UP YOUR TRIB p.m. EVERY MONDAY TO READ THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL PAGE

2008-06-23T00:22:00.000-04:00

The finest newspaper in America!

Carbolic flashback: 15th Anniversary

2008-06-23T00:07:00.004-04:00

JOHN BOBBITT'S PENIS IS SEVERED

Manassas, Va. (June 24, 1993) - Lorena Bobbitt, 24, severed the penis of her husband, John Bobbitt, 26, last night in their Manassas apartment after she said he forced her to have sex. Following the alleged rape, Mrs. Bobbitt left her sleeping husband in bed and went to the kitchen to retrieve an eight-inch carving knife. She returned to the bedroom, pulled the sheet away from Mr. Bobbitt and, with one slice, cut off almost half his penis. She then jumped into her car and raced away, still holding her husband's organ. She hurled the appendage into a field as she sped by.

It is the policy of this news outlet not to publish the names of victims of sexual assault, so the nickname Mr. Bobbitt gave his penis will not be printed.

Police embarked on a massive manhood-hunt for Mr. Bobbitt's not-so-massive manhood. They miraculously located the organ in the field where Mrs. Bobbitt had tossed it. Before transporting it to the hospital, they packed it in ice, causing embarrassing shrinkage. Police were able to restore the penis to normal size "and then some" by assigning it to the care of big-busted Sergeant Annette Swayne en route to the hospital.

After surgery lasting more than nine hours, Mr. Bobbitt's chief surgeon, Dr. Samuel Blatchford, issued a written press release: "I am pleased to announce that we have successfully performed replantation surgery on Mr. John Bobbitt's bald-headed giggle stick." After inspecting the surgeon's handiwork, Mr. Bobbitt said he assumed he'd been converted to Judaism, and immediately signed up for Bar Mitzvah preparation classes.

The National Organization for Women (NOW) issued a statement expressing dismay that Mrs. Bobbitt partially severed her husband's penis: "Why just partially?" Nevertheless, NOW heralded Mrs. Bobbitt as the greatest American since Aileen Wuornos, the woman convicted earlier this year of killing seven men.

Within hours after the assault, male mourners erected a makeshift shrine outside the Bobbitts' apartment, piling condoms and protective cups at the base of a giant photograph of Mr. Bobbitt's assaulted member. Men's organizations say they are planning a "Cross Your Legs For John" rally in Times Square tomorrow.

G.O.P.'S SUGGESTED EVOLUTION CHART FOR PUBLIC SCHOOLS

2008-06-23T00:03:00.002-04:00

SUPREME COURT AGREES TO ALLOW “ENTRANCE MUSIC” FOR COUNSEL; CHIEF JUSTICE SAYS NEW POLICY WILL MAKE ORAL ARGUMENTS MORE FAN-FRIENDLY

2008-06-23T00:02:00.000-04:00

(Washington , D.C.) - In a stunning reversal, the United States Supreme Court issued a ruling yesterday permitting the use of “entrance music” for attorneys arguing before the highest court in the land. The practice of using entrance music is most frequently employed by major league baseball teams, who use entrance music to accompany players entering the batters box. Beginning this fall, counsel will be allotted seven seconds of music before beginning their presentation.

The nine members of the Court themselves will ascend to the bench with a thirty second snippet of the Bobby Fuller Four classic, “I Fought The Law (And The Law Won)." The move is seen by many legal scholars as an attempt to win back fans turned off by the Supreme Court work stoppage last year, which saw the cancellation of the October session for the first time in the Court's two hundred years of existence. Attendance for the Court’s spring session is down, and a short-lived experiment with a so-called “hot-dog toss” between cases was abandoned when Justice Ginsburg sustained facial abrasions after being struck by an errant wiener.

“We owe it to the fans to make the experience of coming out to a Supreme Court argument a memorable event,” wrote Chief Justice Roberts. “At the same time, we need to preserve the dignity of this institution.”

Bill and Hillary Clinton offer plan to unite the Democratic Party

2008-06-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

"Hillary will be the nominee and Obama can be her running mate. Then, eight years from now, Hillary will support Obama for President. No, we're perfectly serious."

In Emotional Outpouring, Journalists Mourn Tim Russert, Apply for His Job

2008-06-20T00:06:00.001-04:00

WASHINGTON -- Journalists from around the nation converged on the nation's capital yesterday to attend a memorial service for "Meet the Press" host Tim Russert and then applied for his job.

"We have lost a valued colleague and role model whose legacy of fairness and tenacity are irreplaceable," said one newsman, wiping tears from his face during the gathering at Kennedy Center. "Do you think they'd start me at what he was making?"

The grief hit especially hard at out-of-town newsmen from medium market stations.

Les Williams, anchor at WJLJ in Bismarck, N.D., said he spoke for many when he said Russert was viewed as a guiding figure on which to model countless careers.

"He had this direct lighting about him. It hid the double chin and made his hair look fuller. We don't have the crew for that sort of thing in Bismarck. God I hope they're at least going to look at my audition tapes," Williams said, pocketing a dozen funeral cards to impress his children and colleagues back in North Dakota.

Among the mourners were Russert's old comrades from his years as an aide to the late Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan of New York, and former New York Gov. Mario Cuomo.

"What a lot of people don't know about Tim was that he was a real advocate for the cause when he served as a Senate aide," said Daniel Woodburn, who worked with Russert on Capitol Hill. "This was a tenacious but fair guy who could get things done without the kind of hard feelings that hover in this area. It was exhausting work. Damned exhausting. I've had it and I sure do think that if he could make the transition from politics to journalism I should, too. Why can't lightning strike twice?"

A cortege more than a mile long followed Russert's casket to a suburban Washington cemetery where his old pastor, the Rev. Conor Fitzwilliams, offered a prayer. Commending Russert's soul to God, the Rev. Fitzwilliams urged mourners to "remember the Tim we knew so well, but more importantly, to honor that memory by carrying on his tradition. I know I'm going to try to do that and if the vice president for news of NBC is here, I'd like a word with him after we're finished."

Laura Bush comes out, declares self a 'cougar'

2008-06-20T00:05:00.001-04:00

'IT'S AWESOME, DUDE'

2008-06-20T00:05:00.000-04:00

CEDAR RAPIDS -- President Bush visited flood ravaged areas of Iowa today and after catching wave after powerful wave from breached levies, declared the entire state "a federal recreation area." The president said, "Iowans should be proud. This is some great surfing. It's awesome, dude."

WINNIE THE POOH KILLED BY POACHER; POLICE SAY SILLY OLD BEAR LURED BY SCENT OF HONEY-POT

2008-06-20T00:04:00.001-04:00

(The Hundred Acre Wood) - Winnie the Pooh, willy-nilly-silly old bear, was killed by a poacher yesterday when he emerged from his home. His carcass, riddled with bullets, was discovered by Tigger early this morning. “I pounced on him like I always do, a hoo hoo hoo hoo! But he didn’t move, a hoo hoo hoo hoo! And now I know why!” Tigger sobbed, before adding “boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!”

Authorities suspect Mr. Pooh was led to his doom by the scent from a honey pot strategically placed under his window. Mr. Pooh has battled an addiction to honey for years. “Everybody knows Pooh was always on the make for honey,” said an animal friend identified as Piglet. “He was in an out of rehab many times, trying to get clean. It was a monkey on his back he just couldn’t shake. In the end, it cost him his life.”

Detective Sebastian Cabot, Chief Inspector of the Hundred Acre Homicide Division, said he was still gathering clues from the crime scene. He refused to speculate on the identity of the killer, but said he did consider young Christopher Robin “a person of interest.” Mr. Robin received a rifle as a birthday present from his parents. According to Detective Cabot, Mr. Robin was recently observed by several residents of the Hundred Acre Wood walking alone, brandishing his gun “in a threatening way” and muttering under his breath.

'I wonder if their heads are so big that they fill up those cool hats'

2008-06-20T00:03:00.000-04:00

GIORGIO ARMANI INTRODUCES LATEST MENSWEAR LINE, TOUTS ITS CLEAN, TAILORED LOOK

2008-06-20T00:02:00.000-04:00

Nonstop mourning for Tim Russert continues; grief-stricken Tiger Woods 'can't go on,' will take rest of year off to lament

2008-06-19T00:07:00.000-04:00

Tiger Woods weeping uncontrollably on 16th fairway at Torrey Pine on hearing news of Tim Russert's death

EXPERTS CHIME IN ON BUSH'S CALL TO END OFFSHORE DRILLING BAN

2008-06-19T00:06:00.001-04:00

BIBLICAL SCHOLAR SAYS CHILDREN OF ISRAEL COULD HAVE AVOIDED FORTY YEARS OF WANDERING BY ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS

2008-06-19T00:06:00.000-04:00

(Jerusalem) - The world's leading expert on the Book of Exodus has concluded that the children of Israel could have avoided four decades of wandering in the desert searching for the Promised Land if they had simply asked for directions.

Dr. David Corbett, Professor of Biblical History at the University of Dayton, presented his findings at a conference held yesterday following a thorough review of recently discovered materials dealing with the departure of the Israelites from bondage in Egypt. “There are numerous instances in the transcribed accounts of the journey where an Israelite notes that 'this looks familiar,' or inquires 'didn’t we just pass this?' It would appear that Moses, who had succeeded in delivering his people from slavery, could not bear to admit that he didn’t know where he was going.”

Dr. Corbett surmised that the stubbornness of Moses, and his reluctance to ask for assistance, resulted in unnecessary aggravation for his fellow travelers. “How much easier would it have been for everyone on the journey if Moses would have pulled over and asked the Amelikites something like ‘we’re trying to get to Canaan, are we going the right way?’” Most scholars agree that Moses possessed many extraordinary heroic qualities, but was a “typical man” when it came to the mundane tasks associated with day-to-day living. “For example, we know he never left his tent without asking Zipporah whether or not he was wearing the right sandals, or whether his robes matched his staff,” said Dr. Corbett.

MICHELLE OBAMA CO-HOSTS 'THE VIEW,' TELLS AUDIENCE: 'FOR THE THE FIRST TIME IN MY ADULT LIFETIME, I’M REALLY PROUD OF ABC'

2008-06-19T00:03:00.000-04:00

SHOCKING STUDY REVEALS ALL WOMEN WILL BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN THEIR LIFETIMES

2008-06-19T00:02:00.000-04:00

Researchers dismiss popular "1 in 4" figure: "The authors of those studies clearly hated women"

PBS KICKS MR. ROGERS OFF AIR, NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE FACES ECONOMIC COLLAPSE

2008-06-18T00:10:00.000-04:00

King Friday XIII, Monarch of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, said today that PBS’ decision to eliminate Mr. Rogers from its daily schedule will have a “catastrophic effect” on the municipality’s finances.

“The neighborhood has been designated as blighted, and we may soon be forced to file for bankruptcy protection,” the King said. Maintenance of the neighborhood’s iconic trolley has been cut back and, according to Friday, passengers are being told to “ride at their own risk.”

In the wake of PBS’ announcement, crime has spiked and unemployment is expected to rise to 100%. Several Wall Street firms have announced that unless the Neighborhood institutes a 10% Milk and Juice tax, they will be forced to downgrade its bond rating to rock-bottom levels.

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: November 16, 1959

2008-06-18T00:09:00.002-04:00

DOUGLAS FAMILY KILLED IN COLD BLOOD; TRUMAN CAPOTE BOUND FOR HOOTERVILLE; EFFETE NEW YORK AUTHOR EXPECTED TO WRITE CHILLING ACCOUNT OF CRIME, ACHIEVE LASTING FAME
(Hooterville) The lifeless bodies of Oliver Wendell Douglas, his wife Lisa Douglas, and beloved farm-hand Eb Dawson were discovered by neighbors yesterday, the apparent victims of foul play. All three were found with their hands bound behind their back. Their throats had been slit. Their bodies were riddled with bullets. The brutality of the crime sent shock waves through this placid, pastoral community and attracted the attention of noted author Truman Capote.

Mr. Capote arrived in town this morning. He immediately began the exhaustive interview process that will allow him to create a modern literary classic from the facts surrounding this macabre, sordid tale. “I’m really going to miss seeing Mr. Douglas riding his tractor in that three-piece suit,” said Mr. Sam Drucker, proprietor of the General Store. “Farm living was the life for him.”

Mr. Drucker was one of several people who spoke with Mr. Capote, who appeared to be under some duress. “I have spent six hours in this God-forsaken Hell-hole and it feels like eternity,” said Mr. Capote. “I would rather chew shards of glass than spend another minute listening to the imbecilic musings of Mr. Hank Kimble.” Mr. Capote said he looks forward to the conclusion of his visit. “I have one more interview scheduled for this afternoon with a Mr. Arnold Ziffle. With any luck, I’ll be on the train back to New York by dusk.”

BUSH BEGS JED CLAMPETT TO INCREASE PRODUCTION AT HIS REFINERY; PREZ SAYS AMERICANS NEED MORE BLACK GOLD, TEXAS TEA

2008-06-18T00:09:00.001-04:00

(Beverly Hills, California) - President Bush met with oilman Jed Clampett at his Beverly Hills Estate yesterday to appeal for an increase in production at Mr. Clampett’s backwoods refinery. Mr. Clampett, a once-poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed, discussed the matter with the President over a dinner of hog jowls and squirrel stew in the fancy eating room. The meal was prepared by Mr. Clampett's irascible mother-in-law, Granny. Ms. Granny presented the President with a bottle of her home-brewed rheumatism medicine as a souvenir of his visit.

Both men met with reporters at the cement pond following the meal. “With the heavy driving season coming on, Americans are in desperate need of additional black gold, or, if you prefer, Texas tea, to get them to their vacation destinations,” said the President. “I’m confident that Uncle Jed, and the many fine employees of Clampett Oil will be able to fulfill this need.” Mr. Clampett uttered a cryptic response to the President’s appeal. “Whew, doggie,” he said, before returning to his whittling.

It is believed a sticking point in the negotiations between the two men is the President's reluctance to give Mr. Clampett’s nephew, Jethro Bodine, a summer internship with the Central Intelligence Agency. According to sources close to the Clampett family, Mr. Bodine has long sought a career as a double-nought spy. Dash Riprock, spokesman for Clampett Oil, said Mr. Clampett has called an emergency board meeting to discuss the President’s request. The meeting is scheduled for this morning.

Tiger Woods replaces caddy with man named Guido from Hoboken

2008-06-17T00:08:00.000-04:00

Guido's job - to break Tiger's kneecaps before every tournament so he plays better

Rocco Mediate disgraces Western Pennsylvania

2008-06-17T00:07:00.003-04:00

When they found General Custer and his band of losers after the American Indians got done with them, they had been stripped naked and their bodies were mutilated.

That's how I feel right now. I'm ashamed that I'm from Western Pennsylvania.

You see, that's where Rocco Mediate is from, and Mr. Mediate has disgraced every last native of my region by losing his playoff in the U.S. Open to Tiger Woods on the 19th hole.

Nice go, Rocco -- losing to a man gimping around on a bad knee, wincing in pain with every shot.

But that's not even the worst of it. Listen what the loser had to say after the disastrous finish: “I’m sure that I scared him,” Mediate said. “I did good today. I’ve never had more fun, it’s just amazing."

Did you get that? You may have to read it several times before it makes sense. Rocco, you see, is from Topsy Turvy Land where up is down and where if you do bad today, you can say with a straight face, "I did good today." Custer said the same thing at the end of the Battle of the Little Big Horn: "I'm sure that I scared them. I did good today. I've never had more fun, it's just amazing."

Only losers measure their performance by whether they had "fun," of course. What sort of twisted message are we sending our youth with a losing attitude like that?

With the Roccos of the world as role models, listen carefully when our children are losing a game and you might just hear them say, "I did good today."

And then we know we're finished.

GOP operatives claim to have 'the dirt' on Michelle Obama

2008-06-17T00:07:00.001-04:00

Child star Stanley Fafara from Leave it To Beaver fame says she once called him "Whitey" at a fundraiser.