PITTSBURGH - University of Pittsburgh Dean of Students Kathy Humphrey declared that the University of Pittsburgh's School of Arts and Sciences "has finally achieved diversity" following the departure of Edward Johnson, 19, the last male undergraduate student enrolled in the school. The school's student make-up is now 100% female.

Mr. Johnson said he dropped out of college to deliver pizzas full time for his brother-in-law's pizza shop. "I can play video games and surf the web for porn without paying tuition," Mr. Johnson explained. Mr. Johnson refused to elaborate because he said "I have to go [masturbate] now."

Dean Humphrey called it an important day. "We are now completely diverse. And we have created a hostile-free campus where our completely diverse student body can walk about in safety and without fear of harassment, subjugation or being raped by either the male organ of copulation or the male gaze." She added that women "will no longer be subjected to having their interpretations of their own experiences questioned by the oppressor class."

Female student residents at Litchfield Towers, Mr. Johnson's former dormitory, said his departure is not welcome news. "The women are definitely going to miss having Johnson," said sophomore Carla Vango. Vanessa McBride, 19, lamented: "This used to be a co-ed dorm. Without Ed, it's just a 'co' dorm." Molly Yard, Jr., President of Pitt's Students Against Men and Rape, is also unhappy: "It's a major loss because as long as he was here, our women knew in the back of their minds that they had someone to accuse of sexual assault," she said. "Fortunately, we can still rely on the theory of 'recovered memories' to blame Pitt's former male student population for past assaults. But Pitt's administration needs to make a concerted effort to recruit a new crop of males."

Dean Humphrey said that the school is making efforts to attract males. "We definitely want that gender balance thing," she rolled her eyes. Asked what Pitt would do to make males feel more welcome, she explained: "We plan to make their course-load much more male-friendly. In our required course, 'Historical Atrocities of the Patriarchy Against Women,' we're going to serve free beer and allow them to sit behind a black curtain in the back of the room."