Mitchell Lichtenstein's Teeth is a rapturous feminist call to bloodlust, a vengeance porno flick with the soul of a grindhouse potboiler, and the greatest male-bashing -- or more accurately, male-chomping -- feast ever served up by Hollywood. For those living under a rock or born with a Y chromosome (pretty much the same thing), this is a modern-day retelling of the vagina dentata fable about a high school girl who discovers that her whooha has grown choppers that bite off the tallywacker of any young man foolish enough to abuse her. Our heroine, brilliantly played by perky-breasted Jess Weixler (who does get naked), is initially terrified of her body but soon realizes her fish factory is a tool for feminine empowerment, the leveler of patriarchy.
The young men in the audience at Friday's opening howled with shocked laughter each time the doo-dads of one of their cinematic counterparts ended up on the floor. I suppose they've never seen a severed penis up close before. The biggest roar came when John Hensley's vicious dog happily munched on his master's meat missile whilst the emasculated poor thing could do nothing but watch. The camera, thankfully, leaves nothing to the imagination.
I watched the film from a purely technical perspective. I must say, each of the severed penises were carved with admirable precision. I won't bore the readers with inside baseball stuff about slicing penises -- about how a dull instrument can ruin the most beautiful meat, or the importance of cutting against the grain, or the fact that you must firmly anchor your guy's beef stick before cutting -- suffice it to say that Ms. Weixler's vagina-teeth produced the most beautiful presentation of severed penises I have ever seen, and I am an authority.
The astute producers of "Teeth" know a good thing when they see it, so they've greenlighted a sequel called "Braces." It's the story of a noble feminist orthodontist who fits Ms. Weixler's choppers with a set of sweet-looking braces to adjust a nasty malocclusion that makes penis-chomping uncomfortable.
The only drawback to "Teeth" is Mr. Lichtenstein's disclaimer, "no men were harmed during the making of this film." Oh, well, we can't have everything.
Nevertheless, I give this one Four Breasts