It is the policy of this news outlet not to publish the names of victims of sexual assault, so the nickname Mr. Bobbitt gave his penis will not be printed.
Police embarked on a massive manhood-hunt for Mr. Bobbitt's not-so-massive manhood. They miraculously located the organ in the field where Mrs. Bobbitt had tossed it. Before transporting it to the hospital, they packed it in ice, causing embarrassing shrinkage. Police were able to restore the penis to normal size "and then some" by assigning it to the care of big-busted Sergeant Annette Swayne en route to the hospital.
After surgery lasting more than nine hours, Mr. Bobbitt's chief surgeon, Dr. Samuel Blatchford, issued a written press release: "I am pleased to announce that we have successfully performed replantation surgery on Mr. John Bobbitt's bald-headed giggle stick." After inspecting the surgeon's handiwork, Mr. Bobbitt said he assumed he'd been converted to Judaism, and immediately signed up for Bar Mitzvah preparation classes.
The National Organization for Women (NOW) issued a statement expressing dismay that Mrs. Bobbitt partially severed her husband's penis: "Why just partially?" Nevertheless, NOW heralded Mrs. Bobbitt as the greatest American since Aileen Wuornos, the woman convicted earlier this year of killing seven men.
Within hours after the assault, male mourners erected a makeshift shrine outside the Bobbitts' apartment, piling condoms and protective cups at the base of a giant photograph of Mr. Bobbitt's assaulted member. Men's organizations say they are planning a "Cross Your Legs For John" rally in Times Square tomorrow.