PITTSBURGH - Traffic on McArdle Roadway came to a standstill yesterday morning when a man was discovered chained to a rock on the side of Mount Washington. The man, who police are calling Prometheus, says has been chained to the rock for several thousand years as punishment for giving man fire.
Law enforcement officials placed an emergency call to Professor of Greek Mythology Edith Hamilton, who arrived in town shortly before noon. After a brief discussion with Mr. Prometheus, she vouched for his credibility. “The kid’s story checks out,” said Police Chief Nate Harper. “He’s in a great deal of pain, and appears to be suffering from some type of abdominal mutilation.”
Mr. Prometheus told officers attempting to free him that his liver is eaten on a daily basis by an eagle. “He begged Officer Corbett to shoot the bird as it made it’s descent toward his torso, but the officer refused,” said Harper. The Chief said the officer acted properly, citing environmental protection laws and the eagles’ presence on the endangered species list. “We could have been in hot water with the ASPCA if we had shot that thing.” The officers waited until the eagle had finished before allowing EMT personnel to take Mr. Prometheus to the hospital.
While he recuperates, Chief Harper said officials will determine if any criminal charges will be filed arising from the fire theft. “I understand the victim in this case is a Mr. Apollo,” he said. “If he wants to press charges, then the kid's troubles might not be over.”