BUSH'S CAMPAIGN FOR SENATOR SANTORUM IS SO LOW-KEY, NO ONE KNOWS HE'S CAMPAIGNING

SEWICKLY HEIGHTS - President Bush made a secret visit to the home of businessman Richard Simmons in the posh Pittsburgh suburb of Sewickly Heights Friday night to attend a fundraiser for Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who trails his Democratic challenger, Bob Casey, in the polls by double-digit margins. With Bush's popularity at an all-time low, the Republican party decided that having Bush openly campaign for Santorum would do the Senator more harm than good, so the President kept a low profile on this trip.

Bush eschewed the de rigueur limosine motorcade to Simmons' house in favor of a yellow cab ride. Cabdriver Bob Haas, Pittsburgh's so-called "cabdriver to the stars," was tapped to transport the first citizen. "Sinatra tipped better," was all that Haas would say.

Bush arrived at the Simmons' mansion before the other guests and was immediately whisked into a closet off the main room where he hid alone, in the dark, for the remainder of the evening. Secret service agents hovered outside throughout the fundraiser, and none of the guests realized that the President of the United States was secreted inside. Twice during the course of the evening Bush yelled from inside the closet in a high-pitched, unrecognizable voice: "Vote for Santorum! Vote for Santorum!" That was the extent of the President's contribution at the fundraiser.

When Bush arrived back in Washington, he told reporters that his time in the closet "made me appreciate what those brokeback cowboys went through all those years they spent in there."

Protestor at White House reception yells at Hu to stop religious persecution in China

BUSH APOLOGIZES PROFUSELY TO BRUTAL DICTATOR FOR AMERICA'S EXCESSIVE FREE SPEECH

WASHINGTON - A protestor interrupted President Bush's White House ceremony welcoming Chinese President Hu to America last Thursday, touching off an embarrassing international incident that could have negative repurcussions for the Bush administration's diplomatic efforts to end the U.S.-China trade imbalance.

The protestor, a 47-year old woman who had obtained temporary press credentials to attend the ceremony, waited until Hu started speaking and then, for several minutes, yelled for President Bush to "stop [Hu] from killing" and "persecuting" the Falun Gong, a banned religious movement in China. Hu shot Bush a disgusted glance and curtly muttered, "I am not amused." Bush scurried to the lectern and yelled for secret service agents to "drag her away, just drag her away, would you?"

After the ceremony, Bush tried to prevent the incident from derailing the trade talks between the U.S. and China. He obsequiously told the Chinese president: "How dare that wretched woman question your right as supreme dictator of a sovereign nation to deal forcefully with dangerous subversives. I am so, so sorry for the excessive display of freedom of speech you witnessed today." Bush went on to explain that the American Constitution was "concocted by a bunch of foolhardy old bastards" who "didn't live in the real world." Winking at Hu, Bush promised to "tighten up" the First Amendment.

"Good," snapped the still-angry Hu, "because I will not stop persecuting, or killing, the Falun Gong, in my sole discretion."

"Nor should you," Bush quickly agreed.

Hu then chided Bush for the "lenient" manner in which the United States deals with its dissidents. "We have a very effective way of dealing with undesirables in China," Hu said. "You will find evidence of that in the Tiananmen Square Massacre."

"Well, we have an effective way of dealing with them, too," Bush assured him. "For example, recently a rich lawyer got out of line, so I arranged for him to go quail hunting with my Vice President."

PATRICK OUT AS PENS' GM, WILL REPLACE RUMSFELD AS SECRETARY OF DEFENSE; RUMSFELD BECOMES PENS' NEW GM

WASHINGTON - Pittsburgh Penguins General Manager Craig Patrick announced that he has accepted President Bush's offer to become the nation’s Secretary of Defense. Patrick has been under fire since it was disclosed in "The Hockey News" last week that six former members of the Penguins (nicknamed "The Retired Generals"), as well as Penguins' broadcasters Mike Lange and Paul Steigerwald, signed a statement calling for his resignation.

Meanwhile at the Pentagon, Donald Rumsfeld announced that he was resigning from the President’s cabinet to take the job as general manager of the Pittsburgh Penguins. This marks the first time since Brooklyn Dodgers General Manager Branch Rickey became Secretary of Defense during the last days of the Truman Administration in 1951 (succeeding Dean Acheson, who left to manage a Washington D.C. automobile dealership) that a professional sports executive has ascended to a cabinet-level position.

Speaking to reporters in a joint news conference on Air Force One, President Bush and Penguins' President Ken Sawyer lauded both Rumsfeld and Patrick for their accomplishments. Bush read a joint statement: “It is admirable that both Don and Craig have exhibited a steadfast willingness to remain completely inflexible and to 'stay the course,' in spite of vast empirical evidence suggesting that innumerable other routes would have been preferable.”

Across the river at the Pentagon, Patrick and Rumsfeld held their own press conference. Both men said they were pleased with the progress they made with the Penguins and the war in Iraq, respectively. When pressed by reporters, neither man could identify a single thing they would have done differently during the time they held their now-former positions.

Pittsburgh flashback: October 27, 1936

WOMAN BRINGS CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST MAN WHO PERFORMED FAKE BREAST EXAM, THANKS HIM FOR EARLY DETECTION OF HER CANCER

ORLANDO - Police say that Orlando resident Bradleys Roadhouse, who allegedly went door-to-door pretending to be a doctor and offering women free breast exams, has been arrested and charged with assault and battery. One of Roadhouse's victims, Bradenton resident Velveeta Lugosi, said that Roadhouse told her he found a lump during his examination of her. However, Ms. Lugosi became suspicious of Roadhouse when she realized he was not using gloves. She immediately ordered him out of her house and called the police.

Ms. Lugosi subsequently filed a criminal complaint against Roadhouse, and she also sent him a "thank you" note and a bottle of wine at the County Jail for detecting what turned out to be a cancerous lump and saving her life.

BETTIS JOINS OLIVIER, PRINCESS GRACE, OTHERS IN CELEBRITY WING AT BOWLING HALL OF FAME

ST. LOUIS - Former Pittsburgh Steeler running back Jerome Bettis has been chosen as one of the inaugural members of the new Celebrity Wing of the International Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame. Other inductees include actor Sir Lawrence Olivier, New York Observer film critic and bon vivant Rex Reed, choreographer George Balanchine, and the late Princess Grace of Monaco.

“The new Celebrity Wing will honor those non-bowling celebrities who, by their public words and actions, have engendered positive awareness of the sport of bowling or otherwise have advanced the bowling lifestyle,” said Museum Director Jerry Baltz.

Through a spokesman, Bettis issued a statement calling the honor “the single greatest achievement of my life,” adding that “if I never got inducted into another Hall of Fame, I wouldn’t care,” since this honor “was the only Hall of Fame that mattered anyway.”

Baltz said he expected a large contingent of Steeler fans to attend the induction ceremony, traditionally held on the last Saturday of July at the Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame Lanes in downtown St. Louis. “I only regret that they won’t be able to bowl after the ceremony,” he said. “It’s a league night.”

BREAKING NEWS: District Attorney names third assailant in Duke lacrosse rape case: Joran Van Der Sloot

JESSE JACKSON: "THAT YOUNG MAN SURELY WAS INVOLVED -- HE'S BAD NEWS."

POPE DECRIES PUBLICATION OF GOSPEL OF JUDAS, ISSUES FATWA AGAINST NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC

VATICAN CITY - In the most controversial edict of his papacy, Pope Benedict XVI called on Christians around the world to rise up and kill the publisher of National Geographic Magazine. The Vatican News Service released the Pope’s message this morning: “By publishing the so-called 'Gospel of Judas,' the National Geographic Society has committed a heresy. It has long been settled by Church scholars and theologians that Judas never could have written a Gospel. His penmanship was simply too lousy.”

In another controversial move, the Pope also announced that he was immediately canceling his subscription to National Geographic. Benedict XVI, who sources say has been “in a bad mood” since he learned that Ron Howard was directing a film adaptation of Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code,” said he regretted having “to have somebody killed,” but he said that Christians can learn from their Muslim brethren. “A calm, measured response to viewpoints or opinions that offend or provoke doesn’t seem to get us anywhere,” said Benedict. “Let’s see what a couple of good riots and a little mayhem will do.”

ARREST MADE IN NATALEE HOLLOWAY CASE; AUTHORITIES TAKE DIRECTION FROM GROUP OF FIFTH GRADE GIRLS, ONLY REVEAL SUSPECT'S INITIALS

ORANJESTAD, ARUBA - Aruban authorities have arrested a 19-year old suspect in what is believed to be a major breakthrough in the sensational Nataelee Holloway disappearance, but they refuse to announce his name and will only say that his initials are "G.V.C."

Aruba's Governor Fredis Refunjol, stung by criticisms from around the world regarding the botched investigation following Ms. Holloway's disappearance, last December exclaimed in exasperation that a class of fifth grade girls could have handled the investigation better. To prove his point, Refunjol ordered investigators to take direction from a group of giggling, inane fifth grade girls until the case is closed.

The girls today instructed investigators to respond to inquiries from the press regarding the identity of the suspect by reading the following words in a coy manner: "Well, he's 19, and he's really cute, and his initials are 'G.V.C.' But that's all I'm going to say."

It is rumored that tomorrow the girls are going to reveal that the suspect smiled at one of them.

G. OGDEN NUTTING HOLDS RARE PRESS CONFERENCE TO ISSUE FATWA AGAINST MICHAEL KEATON; KEATON FOUND DEAD

PITTSBURGH - G. Ogden Nutting, the reclusive owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, broke his silence this morning to address actor Michael Keaton's criticisms of Pirates ownership prior to the team's home opener earlier this week. Lit candles dotted the floor of the press room at PNC Park, and the room was shrouded in a strange mist of unknown origin. Nutting, who arrived via a trap door in the floor, was adorned in a dark flowing cape, and his trademark half-mask hid the disfigurement he suffered in the implosion of Three Rivers Stadium in 2001. The bizarre press conference was brief and to the point.

MR. NUTTING: Michael Keaton, insolent fool! You claim the fans should be upset because my team has not had a winning season since 1992. What of YOUR fans, Mr. Keaton? The last time you had a hit movie was also 1992 ["Batman Returns"]. I warn you, Mr. Keaton, keep your hands at the level of your eyes.

At this, Nutting disappeared through the trap door.

In a strange coincidence, less then thirty minutes later, actor Michael Keaton was found strangled to death in his Hollywood Hills home, the apparent victim of the mysterious Punjab Lasso trick. Police say they have no suspects.

Baseball cleans up its act: Ballplayer banned for life for unseemly personal habit

NEW YORK - Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, "fed up with the black eye" baseball has been getting the past several months from renewed allegations about steroids usage, is "cleaning house" to spruce up the game's badly tarnished image. His first target is an unlikely one. Selig announced today that he has banned from baseball for life 21-year old Justin Farber of the Altoona Curve, a double "A" minor leauge club, "for his repeated and unseemly habit of publicly picking his nose in major and minor league facilities." Selig explained in a written statement: "My decision with respect to the nose picker, as difficult as it was, will go a long way toward healing the wounds baseball has suffered these past months."

Selig was asked why he chose to single out this particular habit when no steroid user has been similarly banned. He explained: "In most respects, Mr. Farber's misconduct is more serious than steroid usage because it was done publicly, in front of children and families who have paid hard-earned money and who don't want to be subjected to this deplorable, vile activity." In contrast, Selig explained "steroid users do 'their thing' in private. In fact, if weren't for some over-zealous reporters, the fan would never know about it."

Selig said that his next target is "the big one" -- the crotch grabbers. "I expect that a large number of players will be targeted for that one."

McCLATCHY OVERDRAWS ON FANS GOOD WILL, OLD MAN NUTTING TO FORECLOSE ON TEAM

PITTSBURGH - The cantankerous, powerful business tycoon G. Ogden Nutting, who has been frustrated in his attempts to obtain complete control of the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball club for many years, announced that he planned to foreclose on the team within twenty-four hours. A press release issued by a representative of Old Man Nutting asserted: “In light of the fact that the Pittsburgh Pirates have begun the season by losing the first four games, it is my belief that owner Kevin McClatchy has overdrawn on his good will account with the fans of Pittsburgh. It is my opinion that he has defaulted on his pledge to the community to field a competitive team.” Mr. Nutting plans to sell the franchise, terminate all employees, beginning with the elderly and lame, and demolish PNC Park to build, in his words, “a world-class parking lot.”

A man who identified himself as Clarence answered the phone at Mr. McClatchy’s office and said that McClatchy was despondent and wishes he had never been born. He said that McClatchy blamed the Pirates poor start on a careless bookkeeping error by an elderly relative in the front office. Clarence also indicated that McClatchy was last seen walking in the direction of the Sixth Street Bridge. "I'm going to catch up with him," said Clarence. "I'll talk to him about Mr. Nutting’s takeover bid -- you know, show him a few things, just as soon as I finish my lunch” which consisted of a flaming rum punch.

Pittsburgh Pirates broadcaster Lanny Frattare said that McClatchy deserved sympathy. “Imagine buying this team and writing checks to players who do nothing but fail for thirteen seasons in a row. Kevin is the richest loser in town.”

HINES WARD PLACES WREATH AT COLONEL HENRY BLAKE MEMORIAL

SEOUL - Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward completed an emotional return to his native Korea by attending a ceremony in downtown Seoul honoring the service of Colonel Henry Blake, a United States Army doctor who led a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during the first two seasons of the Korean War.

Colonel Blake died in a plane crash over the Sea of Japan in 1972 when his plane spun in too low. There were no survivors.

Ward was joined at the ceremony by his mother and South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun. In opening remarks, President Moo-hyun thanked Colonel Blake for his commitment to the Korean people. “Henry Blake was a doctor who dispensed the best kind of medicine: laughter. Without his rapier wit, wielded with a surgeon’s precision, we never would have fought the North Koreans to a stalemate.”

At the conclusion of the speech, Ward broke from the crowd and caught the wreath thrown to him by the President. High-stepping towards the memorial, Ward spiked the wreath at the base of the statue and performed a celebratory dance.

Colonel Blake left the Korean War after two seasons following a dispute with his superiors over compensation and a desire to guest-host the Tonight Show. Many believe that, had he lived, Blake would have starred in several failed sitcoms and enjoyed a lucrative career as a celebrity panelist on numerous television game shows. Ward said Blake was an inspiration, and he lamented his passing. “I know how difficult contract negotiations can get. It’s just too bad his holdout ended in death.”

BUCS PREPARE FOR OPENING DAY, YOKO ONO TO SING NATIONAL ANTHEM, LIONS TO CHASE PIEROGIES IN FIRST RACE OF SEASON

PITTSBURGH - Pirates owner Kevin McClatchy held a press conference this morning to announce that Yoko Ono, widow of slain smart Beatle John Lennon, would sing the National Anthem before the team’s home opener this Monday against the Los Angeles Dodgers. “Yoko has promised me that her treatment of the Star Spangled Banner will be respectful and understated, with a minimum of shrieking,” said McClatchy.

In other Pirates news, McClatchy announced that Aramark, Inc. will offer Soylent Green at the new Charlton Heston Concession Kiosk located on the mezzanine level. “Our research indicates that fans are tired of traditional ball-park fare. They want a different kind of eating experience when they come to PNC Park. And this Soylent Green is the miracle food of high energy plankton gathered from all the oceans of the world,” said McClatchy. “And we’ll be offering Soylent Red, too.”

When asked about rumors that the “Pierogie Race,” a PNC Park fan favorite, was being dropped this season, McClatchy was quick to respond. “Not dropped, just tweaked a bit,” he said. “As you know, Commissioner Stern imposed a one year suspension on Sauerkraut Sol after he failed a drug test for the third time in his career. So that hurts. And I thought the race was lacking something last season. So I’m pleased to announce that this year, in conjunction with the Pittsburgh Zoo, we’ll be using real, African lions to chase the Pierogies from the right field corner to home plate. Now they’ve got something to run for,” said McClatchy. “Their lives.”

McCLATCHY: PIRATES NEED NEW BALLPARK OR THEY'LL LEAVE TOWN

PITTSBURGH - Pirates Chief Executive Officer Kevin McClatchy said today that if the Pirates don't get a new publicly funded ballpark within five years, the team will leave town. "PNC Park was built in 2001, and it's definitely showing its age," McClatchy said. "We need a new venue to be able to compete with newer parks, like the one in Philadelphia."

McClatchy said it's time the Pirates moved back to a cavernous, multi-purpose stadium. "The thinking about what makes a ballpark good has changed drastically since PNC Park opened," he explained. "For example, when we built this thing, we thought grass was such a cool idea. Now we know that artificial turf is far superior. It's cost us thousands of dollars to get the damn grass stains out of the uniforms."

McClatchy also wants to eliminate the view of the city's skyline from the ballpark. "That's another idea that looked good on paper," he said. "The fact of the matter is that staring at the skyline is too distracting for the players."

"We didn't know any better, but Three Rivers Stadium did everything exactly right," said McClatchy. "Well, you live and learn."

McClatchy says that although he isn't counting his chickens just yet, he's already making plans for an implosion party for "when we tear down that dump, PNC Park."

TEAM SENT INFIELDER TO SORCERY SCHOOL IN OFF-SEASON, BANKS ON IMPROVEMENT AT THIRD BASE

BRADENTON, Fla - The Pittsburgh Pirates revealed today that they sent third baseman Joe Randa, 37, to famed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the off-season to teach him sorcery, hoping to improve his batting average and defense.

"It may seem unorthodox to the average fan sitting in the bleachers slurping his beer, but it really was nothing out of the ordinary," said Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield. "[Barry] Bonds attended [the school] in 1998, and we all know what it did for him."

Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, said that Randa was an eager student. "I predict that with young Master Randa at third base, any ball hit to the left of second base up to 40 feet into the air will be an automatic out. And look for him to strike between 65 and 80 homeruns, and to hit at least .350."

Randa has been the hit of the Pirates' spring training clubhouse. He is able to levitate objects (see picture above), sign his autograph by just pointing at a piece of paper, and he has picked every basketball winner during the NCAA finals.

SHOCKER: PIRATES WORK BRADENTON BOOSTERS TO DEATH, PLOP THEM ON PICNIC TABLES TO DIE WITHOUT MEDICAL ATTENTION

BRADENTON - According to members of the Bradenton Boosters, the volunteer senior citizens group that services McKechnie Field during the Pittsburgh Pirates' spring training games, every March the ballpark resembles a scene from Cecille B. DeMille's Ten Commandments where the heartless Egyptians work the Jewish slaves to near-death and then drag them to the side of the road to die.

"The Pirates are killing these old people, pure and simple," said Bradenton Booster Charlene Finelli, who asked not to be idenitified in this story. "It's hot down here, and most of these poor old people are not in the best of health. But the Pirates force them to run around carrying bolders, rocks and other heavy objects, sometimes for days on end without sleep, and for no rhyme or reason -- just to carry them back and forth. We lose an average of 40 senior citizens every March in this ballpark."

According to Finelli, security guards at the ballpark carry the fallen boosters to picnic tables where they are left to die without medical attention. "The Pirates put them [at the picnic tables] so that the fans will think they're just resting. The fact is, they're either dead, or they're about to die."

Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield was indignant when questioned about the team's treatment of the boosters, but he did not deny it. "Look, I'm here to win a division title," he explained. "So, yes, I need everyone to pull their weight, and that includes [the boosters]." Littlefield walked away, then stopped and smiled: "Besides, if I wanted to kill these people, I wouldn't bother with picnic tables. I'd force them to watch Vogelsong pitch."

Weinberger's ghost spotted at White House, seems friendly

WASHINGTON - The ghost reportedly seen by several witnesses floating through the halls of the first floor of the White House last night has been positively identified as the spirit of Caspar Weinberger, Secretary of Defense in the Reagan administration and Secretary of HEW in the Nixon administration, who died yesterday at the age of 88 of complications from pneumonia.

One of the eyewitnesses, new White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten, said that Weinberger's spirit was "quite personable; in fact, he was downright friendly." Bolten explained that the ghost "approached me and asked me if I would be his friend." Bolten said he is ashamed to admit that the spirit's appearance so startled him that he took one horrified look at it and ran off in the opposite direction, screaming with both arms raised in the air, "exactly like someone you would see in a cartoon." Bolten added that his eyeballs literally popped out of their sockets "by a good 5 inches, again exactly as you'd see in a cartoon." Bolten said that his actions caused the ghost to "appear to be be dejected."

A reporter asked President Bush about his reaction to the specter's appearance in the White House. Bush said: "Arlen is welcome here anytime. We don't discriminate against Jews."

Not everyone is happy about the sighting. Following reports that the ghost asked Bolten to "be his friend," Alfred Harvey, Jr., Publisher of Harvey Comics, issued a statement threatening to sue Weinberger's estate for trademark infringement of his company's "Casper the Friendly Ghost" character.

PROCLAMATION: "WOE TO LIBYA! THE SUN WILL BE REMOVED FROM YOUR SKY FOR A TIME TOMORROW"

PROCLAMATION

On several occassions in recent months, high government officials in Libya have openly questioned the accuracy of this news source.

No purpose would be served in refuting these criticisms allegation by allegation, so to prove to the Libyans the error of their ways, I, Judge Rufus Peckham, issue the following proclamation:

I will send to you a sign tomorrow so that you will know the truth; specifically, I will remove the sun from your sky for a time, and you shall be left in the pitch blackness of night in the middle of the day.

Thus shall you know never again to question what you read here.

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

MAN CLAIMS DEPARTMENT STORE MANNEQUIN IS HIS CALCIFIED TWIN

ORLANDO - Chester ("Ches") Nutt claims that he has located his long-lost identical twin brother, Walt ("Wal") Nutt, after a thirty-year separation, when he stumbled upon what he believes is the calcified body of his brother being used as a department store mannequin in Ormandy's, located in Orlando Florida. Wal, who was believed to have died on the operating table of Arnold Palmer Hospital in Orlando while having tubes implanted in his ears when he was a boy, is immobile and unable to speak. But Ches knew immediately that it was Wal.

"I was browsing in the sports department when, WHAM! There was Wal, posing as a football player," said Ches. "He still looked exactly like me -- it was as if I was looking in a mirror," Ches said, tears streaming down his cheeks. Ironically, the Nutt brothers were wearing the same kind of hat.

Ches opined that Arnold Palmer Hospital where Wal was thought to have died kept Wal in "some sort of zombie-like suspended animation," until it sold him to Ormandy's for cash. A spokesperson for the department store confirmed that Wal was purchased from Arnold Palmer Hospital two years ago for $35, along with 16 other mannequins. Ches speculated that all 16 mannequins are also former patients who, like Wal, were the victims of "some sort of health care shenanigans and what have you."

Legendary golfer and the hospital's namesake Arnold Palmer was indigant when he was advised of Ches' allegations. "Who the [expletive deleted] does this [expletive deleted] Ches Nutt think he is, damn him to worse than hell!" fumed Palmer. "I'm going to sue his [expletive deleted] ass."

Ches purchased Wal from Ormandy's and transported him back to their childhoold home. "I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with him," he said. "I've had him here a week and frankly, I'm bored to tears just looking at him holding that damn football. I'm beginning to understand why the hospital wanted to get rid of him."

AFTER FOUR YEARS OF MAKING INANE PLEASANTRIES, ATTORNEY SNAPS, TRIES TO KILL BUILDING'S FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST

PITTSBURGH - For four years, high-powered attorney Steve Plumber strolled through the lobby of the Tufts Tower to start his day and felt obliged to stop and exchange mindless pleasantries with Jerry, the front desk receptionist.

"Despite my best efforts to slink past Jerry and blend in with the passing horde, he'd spot me. 'Hi, Steve!' he'd yell. Damn! Waylaid again! Then, five minutes shot-to-hell listening to Jerry's pointless blather on the tedious subject du jour of Jerry's choice," said Plumber. "I heard about his cats, and 'the big game,' and his car doors freezing up, and 'the big game,' and that he'd fallen asleep during 'the big game.' He'd repeat things from the day before. About two years ago, I decided I'd be better off if Jerry were dead."

Then last Friday, the years had finally taken their toll on Plumber. Late for a deposition, Plumber hurried through the lobby. "Hi, Steve," yelled Jerry. Plumber ignored him. "Steve! STEVE!" Jerry yelled sharply. That did it. "I guess it had built up in me like a pressure cooker," said Plumber. Plumber turned toward the receptionist's desk and lunged for Jerry's neck, grappling him to the floor. But then Jerry started tossing Plumber around, putting chokeholds and armlocks on him. Within seconds Plumber was unconscious. When Plumber awoke in Mercy Hospital two hours later, he remembered that amid the stories about the cats and frozen car doors, "Jerry sometimes would prattle on about being a black belt in Judo."

Now paralyzed and unable to run away, Plumber does his penance in a sterile hospital room by listening while his most faithful visitor, Jerry, regales him with one senseless tale after another, each and every day of Plumber's wretched life.

CIA CONFIRMS VOICE ON TAPE FROM HAMBURG COMEDY CLUB BELONGS TO MOHAMED ATTA

WASHINGTON - After months of extensive examination, the CIA has confirmed that the voice on a privately owned cassette tape recorded during an “Open Mike” segment at a Hamburg comedy club several months before September 11, 2001 is the voice of Mohamed Atta, the hijacker who flew American Airlines Flight 11 into the World Trade Center. A report submitted to the Senate Intelligence Committee this morning theorizes that the poor reception by the Hamburg audience to Atta’s material may have motivated him to forsake a career in show business and become a mass murderer.

The audio tape, which has circulated on various Islamic websites for nearly six months, was made at “Der Laff Haus,” a popular Hamburg nightspot frequented by many aspiring comics looking to establish a career in the lucrative field of Germanic comedy. “Atta delivers his material in a slow, Stephen Wright-ish kind of voice,” said Senator Richard Durbin (D-Illinois), who has examined the tape. “I would say he was trying to develop an act based on an 'observational style,' pointing out the everyday trials and aggravations that beset us all. He talked about going to the dry cleaners but forgetting his ticket. Or standing at a supermarket checkout express line behind someone who has exceeded the limit on items that can be scanned. But I thought it was telling that every joke ended with the same punch line: 'That makes me want to kill somebody.'"

Senator Durbin explained that "after a while, the audience just got sick of him, and they started to heckle.” Durbin said Atta’s attempt to steal Jeff Foxworthy’s schtick was a miserable failure. “He started with 'If you can see yourself in paradise with seven virgins, you might be an Islamic extremist!' and it just got worse. They booed him off the stage.” Audio samples of the tape, along with commentary from comedians Freddy Roman and Jack Carter, will be posted on the CIA website later today.

FACED WITH LOW RATINGS, PRESIDENT BUSH HIRES DONALD TRUMP TO “SPICE UP” HIS SECOND TERM

WASHINGTON - Faced with the lowest ratings of his political career, President Bush held a news conference today in which he announced the hiring of famed real estate magnate and multimillionaire Donald Trump to “spice things up” around the White House for the remainder of his second term.

“I have heard from the American people, and I listen to what they’re saying,” said the President, reading from a prepared statement. “I have also seen the ratings for Mr. Trump’s television show, The Apprentice, and I believe that this guy with the hair – pointing to Mr. Trump – can do great things for our country.”

The President announced that effective immediately, he was putting his entire cabinet under the direct supervision of Mr. Trump. Mr. Trump and his staff will divide the Vice President, along with the heads of all fifteen executive branch departments, into two teams that will compete in a series of “challenges” each week. One member of the losing team will be “fired” by Mr. Trump in the Oval Office at the conclusion of a live program airing Monday nights during prime time on NBC.

“This is not only going to be great television,” said the President, “It’s going to be a great way to reduce the size of the federal government.”

As of press time, some cabinet members, among them Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez and Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns, were complaining that they were assigned impossible tasks. “We’re supposed to fly to Iraq and end the war by Sunday, or one of us will get the heave-ho from Trump,” said Johanns. “In contrast, all that Cheney has to do is 'not shoot anyone in the face for the next seven days.' It’s not fair.” The President said he has “absolute confidence in Mr. Trump,” adding that he hoped Secretaries Gutierrez and Johanns wouldn’t be kidnapped or killed by insurgents before next week's broadcast.

RICK SEBAK ASSAULTS TELEVISION CRITIC AT PREMIERE OF LATEST SPECIAL

PITTSBURGH, Pa - Pittsburgh television personality and bon vivant Rick Sebak, the creator of innumerable documentaries celebrating all things Pittsburgh, physically attacked Pittsburgh Post-Gazette television critic Rob Owen on the red carpet outside WQED studios in Oakland last night at the premiere of Sebak's latest television special, What Makes Pittsburgh Pittsburgh. Sources close to Mr. Sebak said he was incensed at Mr. Owen's review of the film that appeared in the Post-Gazette on Monday, and was even angrier that the Block family, owners of the Post-Gazette, refused Sebak's entreaties to have Owen fired.

"Haven't we all had enough of Sebak's celluloid corn by now?" wrote Owen in his review. "Sebak takes us through Primanti Brothers as if he's walking through the Louvre. And the most innocuous, dare I say inane, recollections of any elderly person about Pittsburgh's smoky past are accorded the reverence usually reserved for the Pontiff."

When Sebak emerged from his limousine, he seemed to be in a foul mood. "You want to know what makes Pittsburgh Pittsburgh?" he said in a loud, surly tone to WQED personality Chris Fennimore. "Losers like these people," he cocked his head toward the crowd gathered next to the red carpet. "They've got nothing better to do than to camp out to get a glimpse of me." He then yelled to the crowd: "I hope everybody wants to see some grainy black and white footage of Kennywood tonight," his voice dripping with sarcasm. Catching sight of Rob Owen, Sebak plunged into the crowd, landing a solid right hand to the body of the unlucky critic before knocking him to the ground with a vicious upper cut to the jaw. "I may not know what makes Pittsburgh Pittsburgh, you dirty s.o.b, , but this is what makes Sebak Sebak!" he shouted, before kicking Mr. Owen in the groin.

By the time police arrived, Mr. Sebak had entered the building. Hours later he issued a statement that did not reference the incident but that touted his next TV special, Memories of Past TV Specials Reminiscing about Bygone Pittsburgh.

A resolution passed by Pittsburgh City Council in 1998 and signed into law by Mayor Murphy in 1999 provides Mr. Sebak with immunity from civil or criminal prosecution as long as he makes one TV special per year celebrating the virtues of Pittsburgh.

JEWISH WOMAN COMPLAINS THAT SEASHELLS ON BEACH ARE ALL PICKED OVER

FORT MYERS, Fla - Golda Haasmann, founder and CEO of GAP clothing rip-off "JAP," which sells its "JAPforWomen" and "JAPKids" exclusively in Asia, has been coming to Sanibel island, the "seashell capital of the world," twice a week for twenty-five years to collect shells that she attaches to her "promiscuous older-woman's" line of blouses, which she describes as clothes for "the modern geisha slut."

But for the past two months, Haasmann has noticed that "all the good shells are gone" by the time she can get there from her home in Fort Myers, just across the bridge, which is "no earlier" than 10:30 A.M. "By the time I get there, there's nothing left but broken shells," she explains. Finally last week, Haasmann tried to get to Sanibel earlier but admits she hit the snooze button on her alarm clock "repeatedly -- at least 14 times." Haasmann has ruled out sending an employee to Sanibel earlier because, she asks rhetorically, "why should I pay someone to have a day at the beach?"

Haasmann blames "the brain damaged snowbirds" from up north for "stealing" all the good shells on the beach. "These monsters are ruining fashion for the entire Asian world," she says. Haasmann announced that, as a result, she might either close the company "or get a louder alarm clock so I can get to the beach earlier."

CHENEY RELEASES PHOTO PROVING HE DIDN'T SHOOT FELLOW HUNTER; "REAL GUNMAN WAS ON GRASSY KNOLL -- I'M JUST THE PATSY" SAYS VP

LOCAL CABLE LINES SATURATED: CAN'T HANDLE ANY MORE STEELER NEWS, CALAMITY LIKELY

WASHINGTON - Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Chertoff warned Allegheny County Commissioner Dan Onorato and City of Pittsburgh Mayor Bob O’Connor in a conference call today that Western Pennsylvania risks a major calamity should the region sustain additional Steeler or Steeler-related stories from any of the three local network television affiliates.

“Local utility companies have informed our office that the amount of Steeler information absorbed by their lines over the past three months cannot be sustained much longer” said Chertoff. "The lines are almost completely saturated. At any moment, large segments of the viewing area likely will begin experiencing rolling black-outs, and rolling black-and-gold-outs. Viewers in many areas will also experience explosions as appliances try, to no avail, to process additional Steeler stories. So we need to warn everyone to stand away from their radios and televisions when the local news is being broadcast.”

Dave Corbett, a spokesman for Comcast, the region's largest cable service provider, said that his company's cable lines transmitting Steeler-related information into area homes "simply can't handle anymore." The cable lines were installed during the early to mid-eighties when “the team wasn’t very good," Corbett explained. "They didn’t even make the playoffs a couple of years, so the lines weren't built for this kind of inundation.”

Corbett conceded that he is concerned about local reaction should Steeler information become unavailable for an extended period of time. “I don’t think this region has ever experienced the kind of suffering we would endure if we had to go days, or even weeks, without knowing how Jerome Bettis is enjoying retirement, or how Hines Ward celebrated his birthday. You'd have to take the Johnstown Flood, the Blizzard of 1993, and the Murphy Administration – and multiply it by ten.”

To that end, Onorato has asked the President to Federalize the Pennsylvania National Guard in the event troops are required to maintain civic order.

Coming up a little later on this web site, we’ll tell you how the State Gaming Commission is planning on awarding a casino license to a certain Steeler coach in an effort to keep him from moving to a certain new house in North Carolina.

HILLARY TAKES TO THE AIR TO STOP JUDGE ALITO

MERV GRIFFIN: "PEOPLE DON'T REMINISCE ABOUT THE PAST NEARLY AS WELL AS THEY DID IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS"

HOLLYWOOD - Iconic former talk show host, game show producer and hotel magnate Merv Griffin knows more stories about Hollywood's golden era than practically anyone alive, and in the old days he'd regale anyone who'd listen with those tales for hours on end.

But lately, Griffin has noticed that he doesn't reminisce nearly as well as he used to.

"Nothing's as good as it used to be -- the movies, the air, the water," Griffin said from the Coconut Club of the Beverly Hills Hilton, a landmark show biz destination that Griffin bought several years ago as a way to preserve the posh Hollywood of old. "And that would include reminiscing," he said wistfully. "Damn it, people just don’t reminisce as well as they used to in the good old days, me included," he said.

"Take this building we're in. I used to sit around in L'Escoffier and tell stories all night long about the glory days here, about Conrad [Hilton] and Zsa Zsa [Gabor], and about how this place was the western White House when . . . ." He strains to remember a once familiar name. "What was that fellow's name who got shot? . . . Kennedy! When Kennedy would stay here."

Griffin leans back with a bittersweet smile. "Oh, you should have heard me reminisce about the past in the old days! Thirty years ago, when I would reminisce about thirty years before that! I’d reminisce about this . . . I’d reminisce about that . . . on and on I’d reminisce, into the night. Wasn’t that a time!"

Griffin's eyes glistened at the thought of a wonderful era that has all but passed away. "I only wish I could reminisce about reminiscing half as well as I used to."

Embarrassing tale of misdirected email: MAN WITH SPLIT PERSONALITY DISORDER ACCIDENTALLY SENDS HIMSELF EMAIL HIGHLY CRITICAL OF HIS OTHER IDENTITY

PITTSBURGH - Bradleys Roadhouse, who has suffered from a multiple personality disorder for seven years, spends most his time as a responsible attorney in private private practice in Pittsburgh. But the rest of the time he is a conniving moocher who calls himself "Stuart Carbon," a deadbeat who scams people out of money with promises he has no intention of keeping. Roadhouse spends a significant portion of his time undoing "Stuart Carbon's" messes.

Last month, Roadhouse had a hunch that "Stuart Carbon" was going to plead for money from a favorite cousin in Philadelphia so Roadhouse drafted a detailed email to the cousin chronicling "Stuart Carbon's" numerous malefactions. But instead of sending the email to the cousin, Roadhouse accidentally sent it to his home computer where "Stuart Carbon" can access it.

"As soon as I hit the 'send' button I realized what I'd done," said Roadhouse. Flush with white-hot, blood-draining embarrassment, Roadhouse dashed home to delete it, but he was too late because Carbon had already seen it. "Believe me, I've never tap-danced so much in my life. I tried to tell him I didn't send it; then I told him it was a gag," Roadhouse said. "In the end, I had to 'fess up,' and we really had it out -- cleared the air on a lot of bad blood. As it turned out, it was very healthy for our relationship."

"We can laugh about it now," said Stuart Carbon. "But I was pretty burned up when I saw it. And yes, it was good for our relationship. Bradleys ended up loaning me the money I would have gotten from his cousin."

BELOVED FILE CLERK REALIZES HIS DREAM: "I'M GOING HOME." STORYBOOK ENDING TO EIGHT-HOUR SHIFT FILLED WITH TEARS, LAUGHTER

Pittsburgh - Sean Cannon, a much-loved and respected file clerk for Business Records Management, finally realized his long-time dream at 4:30 this afternoon when he announced to his fellow employees that he was, at last, going home. "It's been a great ride," said Cannon. "When I look back, I'm so grateful for all of the good times and the memories everyone has given me over these last eight hours. It's been such a great day. And now, I'm getting to go home, back where it all started this morning. It's like a dream come true."

Chris Clark, Business Records Assistant Manager, was overcome with emotion when he was asked what Cannon meant to the organization. "Just the way he goes about his business. The professionalism. The work ethic. The example he sets for the young guys. When he leaves, there is going to be a tremendous void. Until he returns at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow."

Several members of the Business Records team spoke of an emotional employees-only meeting over the lunch hour in which Cannon spoke from his heart. "He said he wasn't getting any younger doing this job, and he didn't know how much longer he could take the punishment," said data processor Mike Maloney. "He also said he had a big screen television and a new recliner, and he really wanted to get the hell out of here. 'Guys,' he said, 'just get me home.' So we went out there and got the job done, and now he's taking the bus back home to Glenshaw."

Cannon said he wasn't sure if he would return. "Right now, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the ride. After dinner, I'll have time to think about things." Cannon said he would probably reach a decision on whether or not he was coming back before turning in for bed.

MARVIN HAMLISCH LISTED AS PROBABLE FOR NEXT PITTSBURGH POPS CONCERT

INJURED THUMB ON CONDUCTING HAND MAY REQUIRE OFF-SEASON SURGERY

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra Board Chairman Richard Simmons listed Pittsburgh Pops Conductor Marvin Hamlisch as probable on the injury report released today at his weekly press conference. “He’s got a problem with the thumb on his conducting hand,” said Simmons. When pressed by reporters to be more specific, Simmons would not go into details. “I don’t think it would serve any purpose,” he said. “He’s conducting. What difference does it make?” Speaking to the media after an afternoon workout at the Symphony’s indoor practice facility yesterday, Hamlisch conceded he was having difficulty gripping the baton. “But I’ll be ready for the concert. That’s why we have trainers. I’ll tape it up and make the best of it.” Hamlisch refused to confirm that his thumb was fractured. “You know I can’t comment on that.”

Hamlisch, who underwent “Tommy John” surgery two years ago to repair a torn rotator cuff sustained during a particularly vigorous Prokoviev recital, may require off-season surgery to repair his damaged thumb. Symphony officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said there was a growing concern within the organization about Hamlisch’s durability. If Hamlisch is unable to conduct, back-up conductor Daniel Meyer, often seen in the orchestra pit wearing a baseball cap and holding a clipboard of sheet music, would likely get the start. Meyer started the third show of the season and looked shaky. He fumbled the baton three times, the last coming at a crucial moment in the third movement of a Beethoven piano concerto. Afterward, some patrons were so outraged about his performance that they dumped garbage on his front lawn. Meyer knows the fans will expect better if he is pressed into service this week, and he’s prepared to deliver. “I’m a professional. I want to start. I’ve got to make the most of my opportunities.”

CONTROVERSIAL STATUE OF STEELER PATRIARCH ART ROONEY NABBED FOR VIOLATING SMOKING BAN

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh City Council finally found a way to remove the controversial statue of Steelers patriarch Art Rooney that, until yesterday, sat outside Heinz Field. The statue has been the subject of numerous complaints dating to the time it flanked Gate "D" of Three Rivers Stadium. Last Saturday, Council declared the tiny plaza where the statue was situated a "no-smoking" zone, and yesterday it had the statue removed for violating the new law.

Council President Gene Ricciardi conceded that Council had been looking for "anything" to justify removing the two-ton likeness of "the Chief" for several years due to the inordinate number of complaints about it. "We receive more calls about the [Rooney] statue than anything else in the city," confirmed Police Chief Robert McNeilly. "I'd need fifty fewer officers without that unholy abomination, and as a result, Pittsburgh would be solvent."

Ricciardi and other Council members confronted the statue yesterday morning and demanded that it discard Rooney's trademark cigar. Observers say that although the statue sat silent and motionless, it bested Council in the ensuing debate. Police were called to lower the statue onto a flatbed so that it could be carted away to the Allegheny County Jail.

Complaints about the statue continued up to the time it was nabbed. "He's staring at me," said Helen Palsgraf of Squirrel Hill as she breastfed her infant on a nearby park bench. "And, how can I say this politely?" she added. "He's excited," she said, mistaking the natural lie of the statue's coat for a physiological reaction.

Others have claimed the statue is enchanted. Steeler coach Bill Cowher told police in August 2004 that "the Chief's likeness spoke to me -- he told me to start [Ben] Roethlisberger." Cowher confirmed yesterday that since that first encounter with the statue, he has sought advice from it on a regular basis but declined to cite specific topics. Insiders say that Cowher started frequenting local horse race tracks beginning in August 2004.

Numerous complaints have been lodged by people who mistake the statue for a homeless person harassing them for money, including one from Pittsburgh Post-Gazette sports columnist and playwright Gene Collier. Collier stumbled upon the statue on a dark night last August and beat it off with a newspaper. "Who the hell are you? Get a real job, like I have," scolded Collier. "Well, not like I have -- get a real job." Collier complained to police that the statue intentionally burned him with its cigar when he refused to give it money.

Former Pittsburgh Mayor Sophie Masloff saw the statue before last week's Steelers-Jaguars game and sadly exclaimed, "Look, there's Art Rooney looking for a handout." She forced a few dollars in its left hand.

Chief McNeilly explained that the Rooney likeness will be extradited to the same maximum-security quarry where the statue of Saddam Hussein, toppled in central Baghdad in April 2003, is being held.

Coach Cowher was visibly upset by the news. "My mind's in a whirl now that I can't consult the Chief. I mean, should I start Maddox? I don't know what to do. More important, who the hell's going to help me pick tomorrow's races at the Meadows?" the Coach asked. "I guess the lesson from all this is I shouldn't have taken the Chief for granite," said Cowher.

TELEVANGELIST PAT ROBERTSON CALLS FOR HIS OWN ASSASSINATION BY U.S.COVERT FORCES

PREACHER ALSO ISSUES "FATWA" CALLING FOR SALMAN RUSHDIE'S DEATH

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va - Hours after televangelist Pat Robertson retracted his call for Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's assassination, he told the viewers of his television program "The 700 Club" that for the good of America, he, Robertson, should be assassinated by U.S. covert forces.

"We have the ability to take me out," he said. "And I think the time has come to do that. How many more ridiculous things must I say before this becomes obvious to even my most ardent followers? Like when I suggested that the State Department be blown up by a nuclear device. Or that that feminism encourages women to kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. Or that the Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves."

Robertson conceded that he could shut himself up by simply canceling his television program, but he ruled that out because "the ratings are just too strong."

Robertson also issued what he termed a fatwa calling for Britsh essayist Salman Rushdie's death. "The Ayatollah Khomeini called for this Rushdie character's death back in 1989," Robertson explained, "so I went and read the book that got him in such hot water, 'The Satanic Verses.' I didn't really understand any part of it because it was so literary and all, but I think that inability, in itself, warrants my joining the Islamic people in this fatwa."

"I mean, so okay, I retract my comments about this South American [Hugo Chavez], but somebody's got to die."

ROSA PARKS FUNERAL IRONY: CIVIL RIGHTS LEADER'S COFFIN SLIDES TO THE BACK OF THE HEARSE

CHIEF JUSTICE REHNQUIST DIES; HIGH COURT DIVIDED 5-4 AS TO CAUSE OF DEATH

SCALIA ISSUES STINGING DISSENT, FINDS "NO TEXTUALLY DEMONSTRABLE SUPPORT" IN THE PLAIN WORDS OF THE CONSTITUTION FOR CHIEF JUSTICE'S DEATH

Breaking news: Chaney retires as Temple's basketball coach

Bush sets Cheney on fire for laughs at annual Gridiron Club political press dinner

WASHINGTON - President Bush wowed them at the annual Gridiron Club political press dinner Saturday night, which turned into a de facto roast of Vice President Cheney. With impeccable timing, the President tossed off one great line after the next about the Vice President's recent hunting accident. (The President's comments are not reprinted here, consistent with the policy of this news source not to print "jokes.")

But Bush saved the best for last. In a spectacular finale that provoked riotous laughter and cheers, Bush strode over to the Vice President, doused him with lighter fluid, lit a match and tossed it on his shoulder to set him ablaze. A stunned Cheney screamed and tried to no avail to douse the conflagration with a pitcher of water.

"It's amazing how fast he went up," guffawed the Vice President's wife, Lynne Cheney, obviously enjoying herself immensely. "This is the best of these dinners we've ever attended," she remarked.

Fire crews and paramedics rushed to the stage and had the fire under control in a matter of seconds. One of the paramedics remarked that the Vice President may have suffered a mild heart attack from the incident. Bush, overhearing this, put his hand over his mouth to muffle embarrassed laughter.

Bush's popularity rating jumped 18 points following news of the incident. Some Democrats who were on the floor with laughter at the sight of Cheney on fire later expressed concern, noting that the President's stunt was "the most popular thing" he could have done, short of having Cheney's hunting victim Harry Whittington make a guest appearance at the dinner in order to shoot the Vice President.

Intercourse, Pennsylvania's progressive Amish want to update the town's quaint image by changing its name to "F*ck, Pennsylvania"

INTERCOURSE, PA - A group of progressive Amish in Intercourse, Pennsylvania, sick and tired of their town being the butt of jokes the world over, want to catapult its quaint and naive image into the 21st Century. Farmer Abner Stoltzfus, 29, explained: "City folk laugh at the name of our town because they know the people here didn't mean for it to have a sexual connotation. They're really laughing at how unsophisticated we are."

To "update" the town's image, Stoltfus has proposed that its name be changed to "F*uck, Pennsylvania." (Pursuant to the policy of this news source not to print outlandish news items, we will not repeat the proposed name in its entirety.) "Instead of laughing at us, they'l be talking about how hip we are, how progressive the Amish have become," said Stoltzfus, as he combed the hair on his buggy's horse.

Stoltzfus was regarded as a local maverick even before his proposal because last month he admitted that he secretly taught seven young Amish men to drive automobiles, an activity strictly forbidden among the Amish. That story was reported by national news services because all seven of the the young men were also named "Abner Stoltzfus," even though none are related to Stoltzfus or to each other.

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell doesn't like the name-change proposal because he fears the new name would be seized upon by Pennsylvania's detractors as "a comical way to curse the entire Commonwealth of Pennsylvania."

LOCAL WOMAN HAS SEX WITH UNDERAGE PIEROGI

PITTSBURGH - Helen Palsgraf, 38, a tenth grade chemistry teacher at Spiro T. Agnew High School in McKees Rocks, has been suspended without pay pending a trial in connection with charges that she had sex with a 17-year old pierogi on the experiment table of the school's chemistry lab. Both Mrs. Palsgraf and the pierogi were wearing only lab goggles at the time.

Mrs. Palsgraf, married and the mother of three children, admitted that she is "in love with Pierre Knox," the young pierogi, and that she is pregnant "with one of his dumplings."

Psychiatrist Dr. Bradleys Roadhouse views this latest infraction as part of a disturbing national trend involving women in the sexual prime of their lives who choose to have illicit sexual relations with food. "After that happens," said Dr. Roadhouse, "the food is usually never right."

ICE CUBE INDUSTRY STARTS LOBBY TO STEM TIDE OF ROOM TEMPERATURE SOFT DRINKS

SLOGAN OF NEWLY FORMED "ICE INSTITUTE": "ICE - IT'S NOT JUST WATER ANYMORE."

NEW YORK - Imagine every soft drink served at room temperature. Most Americans couldn't fathom it, but ice cube manufacturers and distributors say that based on trends in Europe and Asia, pretty soon this is how most of the world will drink its Coke, Pepsi and every other non-alcoholic beverage. Leaders of the ice cube industry are so alarmed by recent declines in ice cube sales that they have banded together to try and stop it.

"For the first time, the ice interests must learn to cooperate," said Bradleys Roadhouse, CEO of Frozen Water, Inc. "The cold war between the ice cube companies is over."

Roadhouse announced the formation of a new lobby called the Ice Institute to be funded by the major ice cube manufacturers and distributors. It will seek favorable tax treatment for the ice cube industry and will serve as an "information conduit" to tout the benefits of ice in television and print advertisements. "For example, did you know that ice cubes can lower the swelling caused by a bump on the head? This is the kind of information that we need to get out there," said Roadhouse.

But the ice cube industry faces other major hurdles that advertising may not be able to counter. In several states, litigation reminiscent of the infamous McDonald's "hot coffee" case looms in which plaintiffs allege that the ice in their soft drinks was too cold, and that when it spilled on their laps it caused significant reductions in their sperm counts. Industry insiders admit that in response to the litigation, ice cube companies are trying to develop ice cubes at warmer temperatures.

But Bradleys Roadhouse refutes any suggestion that the industry has initated development efforts in response to the litigation. "Yes, we've been trying to develop the elusive 'warm ice' -- ice that isn't so cold -- but this has nothing to do with the lawsuits. The fact is, the warmer the ice, the sooner the cubes will melt, and the more cubes the user has to buy."

HINES WARD RETURNS TO KOREA, WILL MEET WITH N. KOREAN PRESIDENT KIM JONG-IL

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward held a press conference today announcing that he will visit his native Korea during the first week of April, where he will meet with North Korean President Kim Jong-il in an attempt to defuse tensions on the Korean Peninsula.

Ward and President Jong-il will hold an autograph session at Dicks Sporting Goods in downtown Pyongyang on April 3rd from twelve noon until two o’clock. This is the first time a Super Bowl MVP has met with a head of state since Super Bowl I MVP Bart Starr traveled to Hanoi in 1968 for a series of talks with North Vietnamese leader Ho Chi Minh seeking to end the Vietnam War.

Kim Jong-il, Supreme Commander of the Korean Peoples Army and General Secretary of the Workers Party of Korea, is the center of an extensive personality cult within North Korean society. He is regularly referred to as “a peerlessly great” leader by the North Korean media. According to Ward, that won’t be a barrier to discussions. “When it comes to living in a place that celebrates a cult of personality, Korea’s got nothing on Pittsburgh. To me, President Jong-il is just a despotic, paranoid, megalomaniacal Jerome Bettis. The only difference is that Jong-il has nuclear weapons.”

Ward says he hopes to use his status as "a beloved member" of the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, "along with [his] radiant smile," to promote peace and stability in the region. Ward said his ultimate goal is to reunite both North and South Korea. He dismissed predictions that the chance of this happening during his visit are slim. "Nobody gave us a chance against Indianapolis, either.”

SURGEON GENERAL REPORT: NAPPING IS MORE RESTFUL THAN STRENUOUS, DIFFICULT EXERCISE

WASHINGTON - A new Surgeon General's report concludes that napping, even for one half-hour a day, is more restful than an equivalent period of heavy, strenuous exercise. Vice-Admiral Dr. Richard H. Carmona's report followed an extensive two-year study comparing the two activities.

"I used myself as the test subject," said Dr. Carmona. "After twenty-four months of diagnostic evaluation, I found that napping, especially the kind where I fell into a deep slumber, was conclusively more relaxing than forcing myself to get up out of my chair, go to the gym and engage in heavy exercise," he said. "Not that I ever tried the latter."

Equally surprising, the report reveals that merely lounging around the house watching television "and eating Cheez-It crackers" proved to be more restful than even light exercise. "There were many times in that two year period where I was just so lethargic that I slumped in my recliner and could barely lift my head," said Dr. Carmona. "So, for the sake of the study, I forced myself to doze off."

Dr. Carmona said that his research will next tackle the question of whether exercise is more relaxing than daydreaming in general, or daydreaming about beautiful women.

Sports column: Barry Bonds is my new hero

SAYS HE'LL RETIRE NEXT YEAR BUT DOES NOT WANT TO "SPEND MORE TIME" WITH HIS FAMILY. BONDS' FAMILY DOESN'T WANT TO "SPEND MORE TIME" WITH HIM, EITHER

RUFUS PECKHAM - It is a mantra older, and decidedly more tired, than professional sports -- retiring athletes claim they are leaving the game because they "want to spend more time" with their family. When Father Time dictates that an athlete's end is at hand, familial devotion suddenly becomes so powerful that some athletes invoke it even though they have no family.

Others say they are retiring because they want to be able to attend their children's sporting events; still others who've been retired for a couple of years come out of retirement because they say they want their children to see them play (think, Mario Lemieux).

It makes no difference. Whatever career choice a professional athlete makes, "family" is the overriding pretext.

The love of family is even more pronounced in the case of managers and coaches who are fired or who quit because they're about to be fired. Except they usually say they plan to spend more time with their grandchildren. What the hell do these old coots intend to do with their grandchildren that requires such inordinate amounts of time? Hang out with them at the mall? And how do the grandchildren feel about these wizened geezers hovering over them? The question scarcely survives its statement.

And that's precisely why Barry Bonds is a breath of fresh air, the highest compliment that can be paid a sweaty athlete. Bonds told reporters yesterday that this will be his last year playing in the major leagues, but then he went out of his way to add this: "But I don't want to spend any more time with my family." If Bonds' intentions were not crystal clear, he continued: "I don't like baseball anymore, but I have little use for my family, either. Make that no use whatsoever."

Barry doesn't go for mantras, family values or the American way. Barry goes for Barry, period, and that's why he's my hero. At last an athlete whose every public utterance isn't teleprompted by Bartlett's Familiar Cliches.

But Barry's family is even more to be admired. His 14-year-old son, Leyland, told reporters this: "I'd prefer that my Pop keep earning that big paycheck because that means I end up with more when he drops dead. We see way more than enough of him -- he's home all winter long. And, you know, he really is a miserable son of a b- - - -."

Way to go, Barry! Way to go, Leyland! You wisely want to be as far from each other as possible, and for that this news source embraces you both. Out of respect for your wishes, we won't embrace you at the same time.

Hon. Rufus Peckham

EDITOR' S NOTE: WE REGRET TO REPORT THAT THE INFORMATION CONTAINED IN JUDGE PECKHAM'S COLUMN IS NOT ACCURATE, THROUGH NO FAULT OF HIS. OUR STAFF REPORTER MISQUOTED MR. BONDS, WHO ACTUALLY SAID: "I WANT TO PLAY THIS YEAR OUT, HOPEFULLY WIN, AND ONCE THE SEASON IS OVER, GO HOME AND BE WITH MY FAMILY . . . ." IN ADDITION, BONDS' SON IS NAMED "NIKOLAI," NOT "LEYLAND." THE "LEYLAND" QUOTED WAS SOMEONE ELSE, TALKING ABOUT A DIFFERENT FATHER. SO, AS IT TURNS OUT, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THIS COLUMN IS CORRECT.

WALTER CRONKITE JOINS CAST OF PUNK'D

FIRST SEGMENT: TO MAKE HOWARD STERN THINK "THE MOST TRUSTED MAN IN AMERICA" IS CHEATING ON A RESTAURANT BILL -- JUST TO SEE STERN'S REACTION

HOLLYWOOD - MTV's Punk'd, a modern-day version of Candid Camera, has landed what its producers are calling "the big one" -- "the most trusted man in America," Walter Cronkite, 89, will join the cast next season and try his hand at play-acting to fool celebrities into thinking something outrageous is happening. The goal is to see their reaction. Cronkite told us he is having the time of his life.

"In my first skit, I took Howard Stern to lunch at Sardi's," said Cronkite. "Stern was surprised that I called him because, of course we don't know each other. So I immediately gained his confidence, you know, made a connection, by letting him think I'm a fan. 'Hey, Howard,' I told him, 'I loved that segment you did with those Penthouse playmates, Buffy and Suzanne. Man, those girls' breasts really sizzled. I mean, THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! Like fine melons or some such similar fruit. And, hey, man, have you got any crack cocaine on you?' I said a few swear words, and so forth and so on. Well, Stern just ate it up, so you see, we made a real connection."

Then it came time to pay the bill, which is where the fun began. "I told Howard, 'I can't believe this restaurant is making us pay because I eat free wherever I go. Well, I'll show these so-and-so's,' I said, you know, pretending to be real annoyed." Cronkite proceeded to pull out slightly oversized twenty dollar bills, props "that the very clever young people at MTV devised for me," and proceeded to pay his young waitress using the obviously counterfeit money.

"Well, Howard was really startled, 'What the hell are you doing, Walter? That's not real money. Are you senile?'" Cronkite chucked. The waitress looked at the bills and immediately walked over to the restaurant's equally young assistant manager and told him that "the old guy" tried to pay with this "fake money." The assistant manager came over to Cronkite's table and announced in a perturbed voice that there was "a problem with your money, sir," and threatened to call the police.

"Well, now I really did become annoyed," Cronkite said, "because it was obvious these two punks didn't recognize me." Cronkite struggled to rise from his chair and did a sort of lunge at the assistant manager. Stern stood frozen in shock. The assistant manager easily ducked out of Cronkite's way but then landed a solid punch to Cronkite's stomach, sending the revered newsman reeling backward against the wall before he crumbled onto the floor.

At this, a smiling Ashton Kutcher, the host of the show revealed himself and announced to Stern that he'd been "punked." Kutcher looked at Cronkite, then mugged for the camera that he had no idea who Cronkite was, "but wasn't that a great skit?" A crewmember called an ambulance for Cronkite, who is able to laugh about it all now. "Well, you should have seen the look on Stern's face when the paramedics put that oxygen mask on my face," Cronkite chuckles. "I guess we really 'punked' him! I mean, I haven't laughed so hard since Alan Shepard pulled out that Spaulding six iron on the moon and sent that golf ball sailing."

To date, this website has raised $819,632 to restore Curly Howard's gravesite

Last summer, this website announced that Jerome "Curly" Howard's grave is a disgrace. The three "Nyuk's" were fading, and the base was badly in need of a paint job. We asked, rhetorically, whether we would allow Mount Rushmore or a monument of similar national import to remain unkempt in this manner? We called on all true Americans to help us raise funds to restore this grave site to its former glory.

Well, you've come through. To date we've raised almost $820,000 which will go toward building a fitting memorial to Mr. Howard. Stay tuned for details of the beautiful plan for the monument -- the likes of which the world has never seen.

This is an altogether fitting tribute to Mr. Howard, whose zany antics are an inspiration to emotionally and intellectually challenged Americans of all ages. We will build him a monument to reflect the esteem in which the free world holds him. Then maybe, at long last, the greatest Stooge of them all can truly rest in peace.

TALIBAN WILL RUN CANDIDATE FOR HABAY’S HOUSE SEAT

KABUL - Taliban leader Mullah Omar, who has been in hiding since the United States invasion of Afghanistan, announced on a videotape broadcast on the Al Jazeera Network today that his party intends to run a candidate in the special election scheduled for April 11 to fill the seat vacated by Representative Jeff Habay. Habay resigned his seat following his conviction earlier this year for ordering employees to conduct campaign business on state time.

Political analyst G. Terry Madonna of Millersville University said that a Taliban candidate would have a “viable chance” in the general election. “Clearly, the Taliban party sees this as an opportunity to tap into the public outrage over the pay raise issue and make inroads into the legislative process,” said Madonna. Mullah Omar said that the as yet unnamed Taliban candidate would run on a pledge to reduce the size of the legislature. This would be done “primarily, by killing all those legislators with whom we disagree.”

Many consultants around the country have speculated that Pennsylvania’s antiquated system of government would provide the perfect opportunity for a Taliban candidate to win. “When you take Pennsylvania’s eleventh century style of doing things with the Taliban’s tenth century ideology, you’ve got a true twenty-first century politician,” said Madonna. Reached at home, former Representative Habay smiled when asked if the voters of his old district would be "stupid enough" to vote for a candidate endorsed by a reactionary Islamic strongman like Mullah Omar. “They voted for me four times, didn’t they?” he said.

Artist: 12-year-old boy who stuck gum on $1.5 million painting "greatly enhanced" it

BOY IS BROUGHT BACK TO MUSEUM TO "GUM UP MORE WORKS"DETROIT - Helen Frankenthaler, the artist who painted "The Bay," an abstract painting valued at $1.5 million that is on display at the Detroit Institute of Arts, said that her painting was "greatly enhanced" by the malicious prank of 12-year-old Sean Cannon who stuck a piece of Wrigley's Extra Polar Ice gum on the painting's lower left corner during a school field trip on Monday.

The gum was easily removed from the canvas but left a circular residue, discoloring the painting. Immediately after the incident, Cannon was arrested and briefly detained; his school suspended him; and the Museum filed suit against Cannon and his parents. Cannon protested that he was being treated unfairly because he claims to have gotten the idea from a news account of a boy who defaced a painting of a crucifix at the same museum last month by urinating on it. In that case, however, the boy was lauded as a hero. "That case was altogether different," sniffed the Museum's curator Jingo Bang. "The urinating boy was upholding the highest standards of the arts: he was being invasive, shocking the petty sensibilities of the Christian middle class. In contrast, young Mr. Cannon wasn't doing anything invasisve or anti-Christian, he was merely being destructive."

Concerned Museum curators flew the artist, Ms. Frankenthaler, to Detroit to inspect the painting. They were surprised when she told them she was so impressed by the look of Cannon's "gum mark" that she wanted the boy to be brought back to the museum to "stick even more gum" on the painting.

Cannon's mother brought him back to the Museum, but Ms. Frankenthaler became enraged when she discovered that Cannon had brought Wrigley's Juicy Fruit gum with him instead of Wrigley's Extra Polare Ice gum. "That's all we had," pleaded the boy's mother. "I didn't think it mattered." The artist exploded, "You didn't think it matter! Who are you tell me how to paint my pictures? What do you know about genius?" Turning to young Cannon she yelled, "I need Polar Ice, you little bastard," the artist screamed at Cannon, leaving him in tears. Cannon and his mother departed and returned a short time later with the correct gum. He proceeded to chew the gum and then apply it to the canvas to make three additional circular "gum marks" across its bottom of the painting, similar to his original gum mark. Ms. Frankenthaler was ecstatic with the end result and explained that she is abandoning paints and from now on, will work only with Wrigley's Extra Polar Ice gum.

Cannon's school has reinstated him and the Museum has dropped its suit. The Museum believes that the painting's value likely has tripled because of the gum marks. Cannon will be the featured speaker at the Museum's annual open house next week, and other artists have contacted him about "gumming up [their] works." Asked to explain his methods, Cannon explained, "I guess I just try to mess up the picture with gum."

BUSH ORDERS CHENEY TO GET THERAPY: VP HAS DEVELOPED "FETISH" FOR SHOOTING MEN WEARING ORANGE VESTS

CHENEY ADMITS: "I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE AS WHEN I SHOT THAT GUY"

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney was arrested last night and released a short time later after driving through a Miami park and soliciting young men to be shot.

"He pulled up and, like, asked me if I'd try on this orange vest and get shot at," said Ryan Kidd, 22, who was playing basketball with a group of friends. "We all thought he was, like, some old pervert," said Kidd. "Then one of the guys goes, 'Whoa, that's Cheney.'" Kidd quickly put on the orange vest and was all set to allow Cheney to shoot him when police pulled up and stopped the Vice President from pulling the trigger. No charges will be filed "given the Vice President's unfortunate mental state," said Miami Chief of Police Tim Murray.

Cheney has developed what experts are calling a "pronounced fetish" for shooting men wearing orange vests since the February 11 shooting accident that injured 78 year old Harry Whittington, said psychiatrist Robert Attilla Haas. "Clinically," said Haas, "we in the left-wing psychiatric profession consider this to be an unhealthy behavior simply because of the firearm aspect, with it's attendant right-wing attributes."

Last weekend, Cheney "begged" an aide, to no avail, to drive him to the construction zone of the Washington D.C. beltway because, he said, "there are bound to be loads of guys in orange vests hanging around there, and chances are one of them would let their Vice President take a shot at him."

President Bush is said to be fuming over the Miami incident and has ordered Cheney to enter therapy immediately. "We can't have this nutty kind of stuff going on around here," Bush told one aide. Cheney, in turn, is said to be bristling at the President's attitude and was heard to mutter to his wife this morning that "at least I don't go around imagining that I see weapons of mass destruction."