STEELY MCBEAM SALUTES CASKET OF FALLEN STEELER DWIGHT WHITE, PHOTOGRAPHER CAPTURES ICONIC IMAGE FOR POSTERITY

(Pittsburgh) - Steely McBeam saluted the casket of former Pittsburgh Steeler Dwight White today, bringing tears to the eyes of billions of mourners watching the televised funeral on television sets around the globe. The spontaneous tribute by the beloved Steelers mascot, which is destined to become an iconic image, was upstaged by the moving eulogy to Mr. White delivered by Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy.

Senator Kennedy, who is recovering from brain surgery, ascended to the lectern at Our Lady of The Forearm Shiver Church and spoke in a trembling voice. “Dwight need not be idealized, nor enlarged in death beyond what he was in life. A good and decent defensive tackle who saw a gap, and tried to fill it, saw a running back, and tried to hit him, saw a quarterback, and tried to rip his head off. As he said so many times on gridirons across this nation, to those he head-slapped, and those who sought to chop-block him: "Some men see things as they are, and say, 'hmmm, that’s nice.' I dream things that never were and say maybe it was something I ate.”

Senator Kennedy concluded his remarks by urging those in attendance to carry on the good works of the man affectionately known as “Mad Dog” to members of the Steelers nation. Mr. White will be buried in the former NFL standout section of Arlington National Cemetery.

WHEN ANTI-SMOKING LAW PASSES, ART ROONEY STATUE TO BE ARRESTED

SYMPHONY INTRODUCES NEW ALL YOU CAN EAT SECTION; MARKETING PLOY HOPES TO ATTRACT YOUNGER, MORE OBESE CLASSICAL MUSIC LOVERS

(Pittsburgh) - The Pittsburgh Symphony has announced that it will introduce a new “All You Can Eat Section” to Heinz Hall in an attempt to increase attendance figures and attract a younger, more obese fan base. Beginning with this Friday evening’s Clash recital, the first ten rows of seats directly in front of the stage will be reserved for music-lovers who also love gorging themselves on nachos, pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs, ice cream and soft drinks.

The announcement was made only days after the Symphony said it would forego any new marketing or promotional tie-ins following last Friday’s indoor fireworks debacle that followed a Pittsburgh Pops tribute to the music of Barry White. “We very much regret the damage done to our facility by the fireworks,” said Marketing Director Nick Sarver. “We also mourn the loss of life that occurred during the stampede to the exits. But our studies show that the only way to attract a crowd to any event in Pittsburgh is to find a suitable hook, or niche that will bring them in. Something that has absolutely nothing in common with the event that, in theory, they’re paying to see.”

Mr. Sarver said the success of the All You Can Eat Section at PNC Park played an important part in the decision by the Symphony Board to give his idea a try. “Just look how they’re packing them in over on the North Side,” he said.

GAMING COMMISSION REVEALS PROCESS IT WILL USE TO DECIDE IF DON BARDEN GETS TO KEEP HIS CASINO LICENSE

BLACK IS "YES" AND RED IS "NO"

INDIANA AUTHORITIES PUZZLED BY APPEARANCE OF STRANGE RIVER CIRCLES

Scientists say they're a hoax, insist they were made by "clever pranksters" with "a lot of time and shrubbery on their hands"

Accused 9/11 mastermind says he wants death sentence, and new Hanes t-shirts with stretchless collars.

Cathedral of Learning undergoes controversial forseskin restoration

BEFORE AND AFTER

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: June 10, 1908

RASPUTIN OPENS BARBER SHOP, BELOVED “STYLIST TO THE CZARS” NOW OFFERING TONSORIAL SERVICES FOR SERFS

(St. Petersburg, Russia) - Grigory Rasputin, bon vivant and holy man-about-town, celebrated the grand opening of his new barber shop yesterday by distributing free balloons and haircuts to the first fifty serfs through the door. The shop is conveniently located at the corner of Ivan the Terrible Boulevard and Peter the Great Place.

“Let me tell you, I’m tired,” said Mr. Rasputin, fixing his hypnotic gaze on this reporter as he prepared to close after a long day of trimming, cutting, shaping and styling. “I haven’t worked this hard since last year’s Romanov family picnic.” Mr. Rasputin, who enjoys extraordinary influence with the Tsarina and her family, said the opening of his own barber shop for Russian peasants was the fulfillment of a life-long dream.

“I’ve been looking for a way to give something back to the community for a while now. As you know, I have long believed the first step towards bringing Mother Russia into modernity is to instill good grooming habits in the masses.” He added that a man with his expenses required a second income, and “you never know how long the Romanovs are going to be around.” Mr. Rasputin’s symbolic “first customer” was Czar Nicholas II. Mr. Rasputin “took a little off the top,” while both men enjoyed an amiable discussion about the weather, local politics, and Cossacks. Mr. Rasputin reported that contrary to popular opinion, the Czar is a generous tipper. He declined to specify the amount of the gratuity given by His Excellency.

Where have all the shirtless young men gone?

Commentary by Rosacea M. Swayne - As a deeply religious Republican Christian lady, I detest all the sex, sex, sex on television nowadays. You can't turn on the "boob tube" without being inundated with it. The medium has become a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. Turn on any channel and it's the same thing: sweaty bodies lost in carnal passion, writhing in sinful, premarital sexual romps for the prurient pleasure of Americans who insist on being chronically aroused. NO PERSON WITH ANY MORALS watches this filth, but the vast majority of Americans have no moral compass whatsoever, let's be honest. The producers of these shameful exhibitions, and the viewers luxuriating in them, are all going to hell, each one of them, and you heard it here first.

I grew up in a time when morality held sway, thank you very much. Back then, on a hot day like today (surpassing 90 degrees), a girl wouldn't need to watch these dirty things on television in order to be exposed -- IN A HEALTHY, RELIGIOUS WAY -- to members of the opposite sex. All she had to do was go outside and there they were in all their shirtless wonder.

I can still picture it: lithe, muscular boys in their late teens and early twenties frolicking in the majesty of their budding manhood; perspiration highlighting their well-toned pecs; their sweat-soaked shorts accenting tight, beautiful asses and vibrant genitalia. We didn't need HBO AND ITS UTTER FILTH; we were exposed to sexuality in RELIGIOUS, MORAL, HEALTHY WAYS because our imaginations supplied all we needed to know about what each of these boys looked like completely naked -- from the size and shape of their penises down to the dimples in their asses. Later, in the still of the night, we reflected on these images that we witnessed in the stark light of day -- IN A HEALTHY, MORAL WAY -- as we pleasured ourselves like animals, fantasizing that their pulsating manhoods were throbbing in and out -- in and out -- in and out of us. It was all VERY MORAL AND RELIGIOUS. And we would never dream of tuning into a cable channel to lead us down the path of hell.

Which leads me to the obvious question: where are all the shirtless young men today? Over the past several years they have all but completely disappeared from the public square. Have they grown fat and ashamed to display their out-of-shape bodies in public, the product of too much INTERNET PORN AND IMMORAL VIDEO GAMES and not enough exercise? Whatever the problem, they are depriving a generation of girls of GOOD, MORAL AND HEALTHY sexual fantasies. And they are going straight to hell for that. You heard it here first.

KHALID SHAIKH MOHAMMAD DECIDES NOT TO ACT AS HIS OWN ATTORNEY; HIRES MASON, MATLOCK, MARSHALL “DREAM TEAM” FOR TERROR TRIAL

(Guantanamo Bay, Cuba ) - Khalid Shaikh Mohammad, self-described mastermind of the 9/11 terror attacks that killed over twenty-nine hundred people, will tell a military judge here this morning that he no longer wishes to represent himself at his trial. A source close to the proceedings says that Mr. Mohammad has retained the services of attorneys Perry Mason, Matlock, and Owen Marshall, Counselor at Law, to handle his defense.

“Khalid is confident he’ll be out on the street planning new terror attacks by Tuesday afternoon,” the source said.

The so-called “Mason, Matlock, Marshall Dream Team” has tried over nine-thousand cases combined in a cumulative career that spans over seven decades of practicing law. They have won acquittals for their clients nine-thousand times. The U.S. attorney prosecuting the case, Hamilton Burger, said he welcomed the challenge of doing battle with Mr. Mason in court. “The government’s case is air-tight,” he said. “I don’t see how we lose.”

A review of Mr. Burger’s prosecutorial record in matters he described as either “air-tight” or “open and shut” reveals the government failed to win a verdict of guilty over six-thousand times. Asked to comment, Mr. Burger admitted he’s “been on a bit of a losing streak.” A spokesman for Mr. Mason said he looked forward to working with Mr. Matlock and Mr. Marshall to provide a high-quality defense that will allow the jury to reach a verdict of not-guilty within one hour, or, forty-four minutes if you discount commercials. “I think when you combine Perry’s superhuman powers of deductive reasoning with Matlock’s folksy charm and homespun wit, and add the brilliant oratorical skills of Owen Marshall, Counselor at Law, history shows you’re getting top-notch legal representation that can’t be beat.”

Ted Kennedy fires physicians, will be treated by WVU President

"A brain? You don't need a brain, Senator. What you need is a diploma, and that's where I can help you."

The science corner: What is this thing called menstruation?

By Dr. Noah Swayne, Scientist -- We've all heard the song "What is this thing called love?" by possibly homosexual songwriter Cole Porter. Well, that's the same question a lot of guys are asking about menstruation: "What is this thing called menstruation?"

It is a subject of endless fascination for guys. I can't tell you how many times a day guys want to share with me the intimate details of their wives' and girlfriends' menstruations, and, of course, I do the same with them. We can't talk enough about it. But the fact is, few of us really know -- what is this thing called menstruation? So that brings us right back where we started!

Putting aside all humorous quips and jibes about PMS, sanitary products and mood swings, the answer is really quite SCIENTIFIC.

First, even though the term "menstruation" starts with "men," this SCIENTIFIC phenomenon is purely a lady thing.

Second, menstruation is nothing more than the shedding of the uterine lining during the regular reproductive cycles (the "PERIODS") of female mammals, including that lovely, infuriating specimen you and I call "woman." The ancient writer Hippocrates believed that menstruation was intended to cleanse the body of "evil humours" (humours, to the ancient Greeks, were fluids -- go figure!). And does anyone doubt that Mr. Hippocrates knew a thing or two about menstruation!

So, guys, this thing we call menstruation is as natural -- to them -- as masturbation or flatulence is to normal people (us). I explore all these concepts in considerable detail in my upcoming tell-all, "Douche Bag Culture."

But who would know more about menstruation than Mr. Cole Porter? "What is this thing called menstruation? This funny thing called menstruation? Just who can solve its mystery? Why should it make a fool of me? I saw you there one wonderful day. You took my heart and threw it away. That's why I ask the lord in heaven above. What is this thing called menstruation?"

Pittsburgh Pirates reach half-way mark secretly building escape tunnel under Allegheny River

Several Pittsburgh Pirates are half-way finished secretly constructing a tunnel under the Allegheny River using a 500-ton boring machine.

The tunnel will allow the players to escape PNC Park, the players say.

“It’s our only way out,” one of the players explained. “Our goal is to be over in Gateway Center before Mr. Nutting even has a chance to blow the siren and release the dogs.”

Disgruntled Carnegie Museum guard vandalizes 'Starry Night'

Destruction motivated by guard's belief that Federation "never should have made peace" with the Klingons

Today's landmark "Week in Review" on DVE's Morning Show

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VATICAN ACCEPTS ALIEN LIFE, CANONIZES MR. SPOCK

Following the Vatican’s statement approving belief in extra-terrestrial life, Pope Benedict XVI said that Mr. Spock, beloved science officer of the Starship USS Enterprise, will be canonized a saint.

Spock qualifies for sainthood due to his martyred death at the conclusion of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, and for performing miracles such as the Vulcan neck pinch, the Vulcan mind meld, and the ability to play convincing scenes with William Shatner.

Spock called the honor “fascinating, but highly illogical.”

A Vatican source revealed that Ben (“Obi-Wan”) Kenobi’s quest for canonization has stalled pending investigation into the lie he told Luke Skywalker about his father’s death.

REVEALED: ED MCMAHON “HOME FORECLOSURE” ELABORATE HOAX PLANNED BY DICK CLARK

“EVICTION FOOTAGE” TO AIR THIS FALL ON ALL-NEW “TV’S BLOOPERS AND PRACTICAL JOKES”

(Beverly Hills, California) - Reports that former Tonight Show announcer Ed McMahon was in danger of losing his multi-million dollar home to foreclosure were fabricated, it was revealed today by Mr. McMahon’s long-time friend, Dick Clark. “I set up the whole thing so we could use it on a new season of our show,” said Mr. Clark. Mr. Clark and Mr. McMahon share hosting duties for a program on the NBC television network entitled “TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes.” The show has been cancelled twelve times in the past twelve years.

“We spent months putting this thing together,” chuckled Mr. Clark. “The diversion of funds from his bank account that he thought was going toward his mortgage, the threatening letters, the late-night phone calls demanding immediate payment, the phony eviction notice, not to mention hiring the actors to play sheriff’s deputies in charge of throwing Ed and his family out into the street. It was hilarious, and viewers are going to be able to watch the whole thing on our first show.”

A preview clip available on YouTube shows a hysterical Mr. McMahon weeping and begging the “deputies” to give him more time. The “deputy” then hands Mr. McMahon a revolver, reminding him he’s “worth more dead than alive.” Mr. McMahon places the gun to his temple, but prior to pulling the trigger, is asked to look at a “hidden camera.” After being informed that he’s been had by his good friend Mr. Clark, Mr. McMahon begins to strangle the “deputy,” and the clip ends.

The season premiere of “TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes” airs September 9th on NBC.

Shocker: McCain ineligible for Presidency

The Department of Justice has concluded that John McCain is ineligible to be elected President, because federal records reveal he already served two full terms as Commander-in-Chief from 1792-1800.

McCain said that although his previous White House stint had “slipped his mind,” it does prove his contention that he’s the most experienced candidate in the race.

Final piece of UPMC sign placed atop USX Tower

Non-profit insists it did not unduly influence Mayor’s approval

The 'Holy Grail' of Steeler collectibles is auctioned on eBay: the kid from the 'Mean' Joe Greene Coke commercial

Rosacea Swayne, 48, of Pittsburgh's South Side, said she will auction the Holy Grail of Steeler collectibles on eBay: the kid from the iconic "Mean" Joe Greene Coke commercial.

In the commercial, an earnest boy, played by actor Sammy Blatchford, presented a bottle of Coke to fearsome and usually unapproachable defensive lineman "Mean" Joe Greene. Mr. Greene swigged the drink, then smiled against type before tossing his game jersey to the delighted kid. The commercial is widely regarded as the most endearing television ad of all time.

Ms. Swayne purchased Mr. Blatchford at a football memorabilia auction when he was 12-years-old for $1,759 along with an autographed Joe Greene mini-helmet and other Steelers collectibles. Experts expect Mr. Blatchford, now 22, to fetch a record amount for football memorabilia, surpassing the 1948 Sammy Baugh football card that recently sold for $37,950.

Mr. Blatchford can be legally sold because the Steeler Nation is exempt from both international and U.S. federal laws prohibiting human trafficking.

PENGUINS SEE LORD STANLEY'S CUP UP CLOSE, SAY THEY'RE 'GLAD' THEY DIDN'T WIN IT

"It smells like it's never been washed," says Sidney Crosby

EX-TONIGHT SHOW SIDEKICK ED McMAHON FACES FORECLOSURE, HOLDING OUT HOPE TO WIN AMERICAN FAMILY PUBLISHERS' SWEEPSTAKES

Fan stops McMahon to ask "what happened to your world-famous non-stop laughter?" Ed punches him in the mouth.

OBAMA NAMES THREE PEOPLE TO LEAD HIS VICE PRESIDENTIALSEARCH TEAM, IMMEDIATELY DISTANCES HIMSELF FROM ALL OF THEM

"It was bound to happen eventually," the Illinois Senator said.

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL:

June 5, 1886: ARMY PSYCHIATRIST SAYS GERONIMO NEEDS ANGER-MANAGEMENT COUNSELING; FEARED APACHE CHIEF STRUGGLING WITH “GREAT WHITE FATHER ISSUES”

(Fort Mendoza) - A U.S. army psychiatrist who has been treating Geronimo, leader of the Chiricahua Apaches, says his patient is in desperate need of anger-management counseling. Dr. Joseph Dunn made his report following a ninety-minute session with Mr. Geronimo yesterday afternoon.

"We are close to a breakthrough,” said Dr. Dunn. “But I fear that Geronimo needs additional treatment beyond the limited resources of a frontier psychiatrist.” He is recommending that Mr. Geronimo be transported to the National Hospital for Homicidal Savages to receive more intense therapy. He believes that under the care of qualified professionals, Mr. Geronimo can develop the necessary skills that can take him away from a life of raping and pillaging and lead him to a more socially acceptable profession. Dr. Dunn further believes Mr. Geronimo could prosper as a greeter at a dry goods store, or as an insurance salesman.

Dr. Dunn said he has spent the past several months listening to Geronimo “work through his issues” regarding a lack of affection from his parents, an inability to interact socially with his peers, and a strange erotic attraction to buffalo.

“Geronimo’s unwillingness to accept certain unpleasant truths about himself and his family often manifests itself in violent forms,” said Dr. Dunn. “In that sense, we can now see his repeated attacks on wagon trains, along with the torture and murder of settlers throughout the Southwest territory for what they really are: a cry for help.” A spokesman for Mr. Geronimo said the chief would have no comment.

FROM HIS GURNEY, OUR BLINDFOLDED SPORTS EDITOR JOHN WALKER LINDH PREDICTS RED WINGS WILL BEAT THE PENGUINS TONIGHT 3-2 TO WIN THE STANLEY CUP

Carbolic Flashback, June 4, 1968: 'Live from the Ambassador Hotel'

Commentary by the Hon. Rufus Peckham: I am bursting with excitement as I write this! I am in Los Angeles today because I am coordinating tonight's victory celebration for Sen. Robert F. Kennedy at the Ambassador Hotel. I predict the Senator will score a decisive victory in today's California primary and that we'll have reasons-a-plenty to celebrate tonight.

The Senator's aides wanted the party to be held at the Beverly Hills Hilton because they claimed the "security" is better there, but I prevailed and the party will be here at the Ambassador. (I thought the Senator might enjoy being here because this is the same hotel where Nixon wrote his Checkers speech in 1952.)

Anyway, there is no necessity for "security" of any kind. Up and down the state, the Senator is beloved by everyone. Did President Kennedy have need of security in Dallas, except for one lone nut? The President was beloved by everyone except for Mr. Lee "I hate President Kennedy" Oswald. I am happy to report that Mr. Oswald is resting six feet under the earth, thanks to Mr. Jack Ruby, so he will not be a threat here tonight. I gave the Kennedy people my word: if the Senator has any need for security at all, I'll provide it myself. And you heard it here first.

In any event, I've made all the arrangements for tonight. He'll address his adoring supporters and tell them "it's on to Chicago!" I will then usher him through the kitchen because I want him to meet the oppressed and subjugated kitchen workers. I checked out the area yesterday, and it will be a perfect spot for the Senator to engage in a Q & A with some real working folks, people with beefs about all sorts of things, angry people. One young Palestinian man I spoke with said he's looking forward to being there so he can personally let the Senator know how he feels about the Senator's views on Israeli-Palestinian relations. That's exactly what we need! Some real sparks! He asked me where he should stand, so I showed him the perfect spot where he can get close to the Senator.

I'll then usher the Senator into a media room where -- and I don't think I'm speaking out of school here -- he'll announce that he's asked me to run on his ticket as Vice President.

So it's on to Chicago! And then . . . the White House! Nothing can stop us now!

Caught: Sidney Crosby plagiarized Jerome Bettis' emotional speech to teammates to 'get me back to Detroit'

On the plane ride back to Pittsburgh in the wee small hours of the morning following the Penguins' victory-for-the-ages over the Detroit Red Wings in game 5 of the Stanley Cup finals, Sidney Crosby stood up and gave what his teammates thought was an impromptu and heartfelt speech urging them to "get me back to Detroit" for game seven. Crosby's emotional plea was met with a tumultuous ovation, and most of the players reportedly had tears in their eyes.

It turns out the speech was a fraud.

Crosby lifted it, line for line, from former Steelers great Jerome "The Bus" Bettis who delivered it to this teammates before the AFC Championship game in January 2006. Bettis, who had never been to a Super Bowl in his storied career, implored the Steelers to "just get me to Detroit," his hometown, where Super Bowl XL was to be played.

Crosby implored his teammates to do the same thing for him but didn't bother attributing the words to Bettis. Some Penguins, speaking on condition of anonymity, said they should have realized "something was off" when Crosby said this: "Who would have ever guessed that a poor black kid from a Detroit ghetto would grow up to be the fifth leading rusher in NFL history?" Jordan Staal said he knew the speech "was kind of weird" when Crosby urged everyone to "stop by my restaurant, Jerome Bettis' Grille 36." Ryan Malone said he felt that Crosby "toyed with my emotions. I started feeling bad for him when he talked about what it means to grow up black. I feel manipulated."

It marked the second time a Penguin was caught in a plagiarism scandal. On January 24, 2006, when Mario Lemieux announced his second retirement, he said, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth," stealing a line from baseball great Lou Gehrig. Lemieux was suspended from hockey for five years by former baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn, but when it was determined Kuhn had no jurisdiction over the matter, Lemieux was reinstated.

'IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER!'

Senator Clinton says she'll get her hearing checked right after she wins the nomination.

Sen. Kennedy Up and Walking After Brain Surgery

GRIEF-STRICKEN SENATOR BYRD SMOTHERS SENATOR KENNEDY WITH PILLOW, ESCAPES HOSPITAL BY THROWING WATER FOUNTAIN THROUGH GLASS WINDOW

(Durham, North Carolina) - Senator Robert Byrd smothered Senator Ted Kennedy with a pillow yesterday, killing the long-time champion of liberalism. A spokesman for Senator Byrd said that the Senator was under the impression that the doctors at the Duke University Medical Center had performed a lobotomy on his colleague from Massachusetts in an attempt to finally stifle his irrepressible spirit. When Senator Byrd discovered that Senator Kennedy had not received a lobotomy, but had undergone a surgical procedure to remove a malignant brain tumor, he ripped a drinking fountain out of the wall, lifted it over his head and hurled it through a glass window to make his escape.

Chief Surgeon Dr. Joseph Dunn said he discovered Senator Byrd in Senator Kennedy’s room shortly after completion of the operation. “He was wandering around the room, muttering to himself, picking up loose items, looking at them, and putting them down,” said Dr. Dunn. “It’s like he was looking for just the right thing to administer a humane end to the life of a beloved public figure.”

Dr. Dunn said he witnessed Senator Byrd holding an unabridged copy of Webster’s American Heritage Dictionary, as well as a full set of encyclopedias, before finally removing the pillow from underneath Senator Kennedy’s head. Police have asked Senator Byrd to voluntarily turn himself in to authorities. “It was an honest mistake,” said Chief David Long. “I’m sure he feels awful. We’ll probably let him off with a warning.”

Penguins' overtime win forces Detroit residents to postpone rioting and looting

Universal Studios fire doubles the heat in 'Backdraft' attraction, gives tired ride much needed cachet

Visitors to the thrilling Backdraft attraction at Universal Studios in Hollywood endured double the heat when a real-life raging inferno swept through the park last weekend.

Normally visitors to the Backdraft attraction endure the hit movie's blazing inferno of heart-pounding heat and fury in a 10,000 degree blast of searing pyrotechnics and special effects excitement.

But when the real fire swept through Universal Studios, the temperature inside the Backdraft attraction doubled to 20,000 degrees.

Park officials credited the real fire with giving the dowager attraction much-needed cachet.

The tragedy reminded one long-time park official of the time an earthquake registering 3.4 on the Richter Scale struck at the very moment that 162 people were riding the park's Earthquake attraction, which simulates an authentic earthquake registering 8.3 on the Richter Scale. Inside the attraction, the combination of the real and the simulated quakes created an 11.7 Richter Scale reading, the highest ever recorded.

Similarly, in 1999 a real life tornado struck Universal's Orlando, Florida theme park while 52 people rode the Twister attraction, which simulates a real life twister with a Fujita Scale rating of F5. Inside the attraction, the combination of the real and simulated twisters produced the equivalent of an F10 twister, twice as powerful as any ever recorded.

Assistant to Sen. Kennedy's physician grabs wrong brain

Immediately after surgery, the Senator endorses Hillary, admits he was drunk at Chappaquiddick,

HIGH COST OF GAS NOT STOPPING PEOPLE FROM LEAVING WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA

EXODUS CONTINUES

PITTSBURGH - Despite gasoline prices hovering at four dollars per gallon, most people planning on fleeing Western Pennsylvania say they will still leave, according to a recent survey conducted by the Allegheny Institute of Public Policy. The survey, based upon interviews with Allegheny County residents between the ages of five and ninety-five, concludes that "the prospect of higher fuel costs is a sacrifice most people are willing to make if it means leaving."

Dr. Noah Swayne, who conducted the survey, said the data is incontrovertible. “While the majority of Americans state in poll after poll that the cost of filling the tank is causing them to alter their travel plans, the overwhelming number of able-bodied men, women and children of our region say that nothing will stop them from leaving. What’s more, most respondents state they intend to get 'as far away as possible.' At four dollars a gallon, that’s going to cost a pretty penny,” said Dr. Swayne.

Dr. Swayne added that as long as we’re able to sustain our rich heritage of social inertia, tortoise-like job growth and an exciting climate that varies from gray and cold to moderately gray and moderately cold, the current trend should continue. “And no oil-derrick hugging Arabian sheik is going to tell me otherwise,” he said.

Democrats, Arby's issue joint statement on seating disputed delegates

The following joint statement was issued yesterday by the Rules and Bylaws Committee of the Democratic Party and Arby's Restaurant Group, Inc.

Since their foundings in 1792 and 1964, respectively, the Democratic party and Arby's have always stressed the importance of abiding by the rules established to promote order and civility while waiting in line, whether to host presidential primaries or to order roast beef and chicken sandwiches.

Recently, Michigan and Florida failed to abide by the rules established by the Democratic party when they hosted their presidential primaries out of turn without authorization.

The Democratic party cannot countenance unauthorized line-jumping and must issue an appropriate sanction to insure that it's rules are followed by all states wishing to seat delegates at its national conventions.

Arby's is similarly concerned about blatant, unauthorized line-jumping and joins the Democratic party in condemning this misconduct, and hereby adopts the same sanction as approved by the party.

Therefore, the Democratic party and Arby's hold that they will seat only half of Michigan's and Florida's 368 delegates at the upcoming Democratic national convention and at the 3,600 Arby's locations worldwide.

Both the Democratic party and Arby's trust that this sanction will have a deterrent effect for all such future misconduct.

MYSTERY OF MISSING "M" FINALLY REVEALED

Completion of sign atop USX Tower waited while UPMC finalized one more acquisition

OBAMA TO DIVORCE HIS WIFE

"Now that I've renounced my pastor and quit my church," the Illinois Senator explained, "I want to get rid of all the crazy, divisive forces in my life."

ExxonMobil CEO Moe Howard accused of price, eye gouging

WASHINGTON - While a Congressional subcommittee prepares to launch a new round of hearings into alleged price gouging by major oil companies, six and as many as ten Senators plan to lodge formal complaints with law enforcement authorities accusing ExxonMobil CEO Moe Howard of battering them.

"[Howard] punched me in the stomach," said Senator Hillary Clinton, who met Howard in a New York restaurant to see if they could iron out their differences on the price gouging issue. "And it made a sound like a bass drum," she added.

Senator Patrick Leahy likewise claims that he has sores on his face from being "repeatedly slapped" by Howard. "He poked me in the eyes," said Leahy.

Senator Barack Obama claims that Howard "forcibly yanked chunks of hair" from his head.

President Bush disputed the Senators' claims as "exaggerations." Bush said he holds Howard "in the highest esteem, I admire his great intellect and compassion for others." Moreover, Bush said he has never seen Howard perpetrate any acts of violence. "I mean, we're not talking about Dick Cheney here," he smirked. Bush conceded that Howard is "very tough" on the two men "who seem to accompany him everywhere" he goes. "And don't let him near a pie," Bush cautioned. "His aim is deadly."

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TEXAS SUPREME COURT SAYS KIDS MUST BE RETURNED TO POLYGAMIST SECT

Ruling declares "children belong with their mothers -- and their molesters"

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT LAST WEEK ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW . . .

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GM declares employee 'buyout' a success, next plans employee 'giveaway': one employee to be given away with every car

DETROIT - General Motors Corporation's employee buyout was a greater success than anticipated, with some 19,000 employees opting for a buyout or early retirement.

To further reduce headcount, GM announced today that starting July 1, it will throw in one GM employee with every new car sold. Some larger model SUV's and Cadillacs will come with two employees.

"This not only will make the customer feel as if he is getting something for free, it will help reduce GM's crippling labor costs," said Velveeta Lugosi, a company spokeswoman. "The only thing that consumers will need to watch for is that some of these employees have a kind of union mentality and sometimes talk like they're Che Guevara or something. We suggest that the consumer keep that kind of employee locked in the basement, for obvious reasons."

Toledo, Ohio, Block Bugler To Handle Tribune-Review Delivery

The Tribune-Review Publishing Company, publishers of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, reached agreement yesterday with the Toledo, Ohio Block Bugler to deliver the Trib in Allegheny and adjacent counties.

"By hiring these socialist lackeys and commie-symp lickspittals, we will be better able to serve our loyal readers," said a Tribune- Review spokesman. "These muttonheaded popinjays, with their reflexive hatred of the free market and a strong America will be able to get the Trib to the doorsteps of our loyal, God-fearing American readers in a timely fashion."

The Block Bugler currently delivers The Wall Street Journal in a similar agency agreement which has become increasingly utilized throughout the newspaper publishing industry.

Part of a burgeoning newspaper empire, the Tribune-Review reaches an estimated 8 million homes in the City of Pittsburgh with an additional 42 million subscribers in Allegheny, Beaver, Butler, Armstrong and Yoknapatawpha Counties. The Bugler, published by a cadre of fascistic imbeciles who hew the corporate welfare line of such statist poltroons as Jim Rohr, has an estimated circulation of nine.

"We are looking forward to a long, fruitful era of cooperation with these economics-brainless ninnies," the spokesman added.

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS STAGE 'WHITE-OUT' FOR STANLEY CUP FINALS AT MELLON ARENA

500 local Ku Klux Klan members get a chance to attend their first hockey game

McCAIN'S PHYSICIAN GIVES HIM CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH

"He should be around through August, at least," says doctor

EX-PRESS SECRETARY SCOTT McCLELLAN: 'BELIEVE WHAT I SAY NOW, NOT WHAT I SAID ALL THOSE TIMES BACK THEN'

"Now that I'm selling a book for $27.95, you can totally believe me this time."

'NUTBALL' RECOGNIZED AS OLYMPIC SPORT

Nutball, the sport popularized by the Jackass television series on MTV, was recognized as an official Olympic sport yesterday, just in time for the summer games in Beijing. Nutball requires at least two and up to twelve players to sit on the floor facing each other with their legs spread apart. Each player takes a turn tossing a ball at another player's testicles with the goal of forcing the other players to leave the game due to an inability to withstand the pain. The last player remaining wins.

The sport achieved widespread popularity on U.S. college campuses starting in the late 1990s, but most Nutball teams eventually fell victim to Title IX's ax that eliminated hundreds of men's sports in the interest of achieving gender equality. Many colleges tried to field women's Nutball teams but quickly found that the games never ended because no players were ever eliminated.

In an official statement, the Chinese government welcomed Nutball's inclusion in the Olympic games and lauded the "refreshing spirit of sadistic torture that sets this highly amusing sport apart from the typical dull Western fare where no one gets hurt."