PETER PAN GROWS UP, BLAMES BARRY BONDS' TRAINER

Last weekend, Peter Pan, the magical boy "who wouldn't grow up," experienced a three-inch growth spurt and sprouted facial and chest hair for the first time, leading him to panic in a voice that noticeably cracked, "I've lost my cachet, I'm becoming a man!"

Mr. Pan attributed the sudden onset of puberty to his use of a clear substance and a cream that he received from his personal strength trainer, Greg Anderson, who also previously served as Barry Bonds' trainer. Anderson told Mr. Pan that the substances were the nutritional supplement flaxseed oil and a rubbing balm for arthritis when, in reality, they were anabolic steroids. Friends say that Mr. Pan is "livid" and determined to "sue Anderson's ass off."

Since the growth spurt, Mr. Pan reportedly spends every night at a local strip club satisfying a sudden interest in girls.

17 Girls at a Massachusetts High School Enter Into 'Pregnancy Pact'

Local boys get wind of it, thus far 472 have signed up to assist.

Yankees came to town, couldn’t find Forbes Field

The New York Yankees came to Pittsburgh for the first time since they lost to the Bucs in the 1960 World Series and got lost trying to find Forbes Field. Forbes Field was torn down in 1970, and the Forbes Quadrangle, a building of the University of Pittsburgh, was erected on the site. Yankees captain Derek Jeter said the team entered a door they thought was the visitor’s clubhouse “but all of a sudden we were taking a midterm in Intro to Poly Sci 101.”

Yankees Celebrate Impending Sweep of Pirates in 3-Day Visit

NEW YORK -- A jubilant New York Yankees hugged, popped open champagne bottles and thrust high-fives into the air yesterday as they celebrated an impending three-day sweep of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

“I can’t begin to tell you the emotions I’m feeling right now,” said a tearful first baseman Jason Giambi. “I’m going to collect myself, call home and talk to my wife and pinch myself.”

The Yankees are scheduled to play the Pirates at Pittsburgh’s PNC Park June 24 through 26.

The team clubhouse erupted in cheers and wild celebrating yesterday after Yankees manager Joe Torre reminded them of the upcoming road trip following Sunday’s 4-1 win over Cincinnati.

“This is the kind of moment you spend your career building to,” said rookie second baseman Robinson Cano, who said that as a youngster growing up in the Dominican Republican “I always knew that however hard my life could be, there would be the Pittsburgh Pirates.”

New York police struggled last night to control fans who rushed into the city streets in a spontaneous outpouring of happiness at word of the impending rout.

“I’ve seen these things before, but this time there’s a real sense of elation,” said cabbie Achmar O’Brien. “New Yorker’s know how to celebrate, but they’ve gotta be given something to celebrate about. This is definitely it.”

Mayor Michael Bloomberg sent a telegram of congratulations to the team on hearing of the forthcoming sweep.

“All New York is again proud of this team and we salute your upcoming accomplishments,” the mayor said.

ANTON CHIGUHR IS LARRY KING'S GUEST TONIGHT

LARRY: Our next guest is hitman Anton Chiguhr whose new book, "Anton's Way," details a life in crime. Anton, do people still rely on hitmen out your way?

ANTON: What way would that be?

LARRY: Well, the back of your book says you're from Dallas, and that's the only research I did in advance of this interview . . .

ANTON: What business is it of yours where I'm from, friendo?

LARRY: Don't get so touchy, Anton. Let's take some calls. Phoenix, go ahead.

CALLER: Hello, who is this?

ANTON: You know who it is.

CALLER: Ah, well, I just wanted to ask . . .

ANTON: You know how this is going to turn out, don't you?

CALLER: Um, I'm not sure what you mean by that . . .

ANTON: I think you do. So this is what I'll offer. You bring me the money and I'll let her go. Otherwise she's accountable. The same as you. That's the best deal you're going to get. I won't tell you you can save yourself because you can't.

LARRY: Ah, Anton -- Anton, is something wrong?

ANTON: With what?

LARRY: With anything?

ANTON: Is that what you're asking me? Is there something wrong with anything?

LARRY: Well, I need to, you know, wrap things up, bring the show to a close. So if you'd like to talk about your book . . .

ANTON: What time do you end the show?

LARRY: Now.

ANTON: Now is not a time. What time do you go to bed?

LARRY: About 9:30 I'd say. What has that got to do with . . .

ANTON: ...What's the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?

LARRY: Sir?

ANTON: The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss?

LARRY: Well, I couldn't say . . .

ANTON: (He tosses a coin) Call it.

LARRY: Well - we need to know what it is we're calling for here.

ANTON: You need to call it. I can't call it for you. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't even be right.

LARRY: I didn't put anything up.

ANTON: Yes you did. You been putting it up your whole life. You just didn't know it.

LARRY: Anton, let me ask you, do you have any idea how crazy you are?

ANTON: You mean the nature of this conversation?

LARRY: I mean the nature of you.

[Anton aims his captive bolt pistol at Larry's head and fires it, causing Larry's lifeless body to crumble to the floor]

ANTON: Seattle, go ahead.

CALLER: Is Larry there?

ANTON: Not in the sense that you mean.

McCain calls for $300 million prize to cure jowls

Presumptive Republican nominee also says prizes on quiz show "Jeopardy" need to be "jacked up," calls them a "national disgrace"

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: June 24, 1961

SAM GIANCANA ENJOYING NEW ROLE AS BOY SCOUT LEADER; REPUTED HEAD OF CHICAGO OUTFIT SAYS HE LOVES WORKING WITH KIDS, KILLING

CHICAGO - Sam “Momo” Giancana, a self-described independent businessman who, according to the Justice Department, is also a murderous member of La Cosa Nostra, called his recent weekend camping trip a complete success. Mr. Giancana has assumed the role of Scoutmaster for a troop of adolescent boys as part of a community service program he was required to enter following his conviction in the manslaughter death of Don “No Knuckles” Deluca.

According to one member of the troop, Mr. Giancana has been an informative, inspirational leader. “Mr. Sam showed us how to start a fire, using only a little kerosene and some rags,” said fifteen--ear old Doug Wagner of Oak Park. “Mr. Sam said you never know when you’ll have to torch a place to collect the insurance.” When this reporter attempted to ascertain young Wagner’s Boy Scout bona fides by asking him to recite the Boy Scout oath, Wagner invoked his Fifth Amendment rights. “I decline to answer on the grounds it may incriminate me,” he said.

Mr. Giancana recounted the details of his first camping trip as a Scout leader during a meeting with the Carbolic Smoke Ball Editorial Board this morning. “Me and the boys took a little ride out to Kane County on Saturday,” said Mr. Giancana. “I had them help me dispose of some garbage.” Mr. Giancana said the garbage was “so important” that it had to be “buried as far away from the city as possible.” He declined to identify the location of the burial site.

FCC BANS CARLIN’S ‘SEVEN WORDS’ FROM TOMBSTONE

Statewide Grand Jury Issues Presentment, Charges Media With Taking Easy Out By Calling Scandal ‘Bonusgate’

HARRISBURG -- A statewide grand jury yesterday recommended charges of widespread cultural crimes and intellectual laziness against the Pennsylvania media for referring to the ongoing scandal surrounding pay bonuses in return for partisan political work as “Bonusgate.”

“On or about Jan. 26, 2007, the media first reported a suspicious linkage between large taxpayer funded pay bonuses for select state employees and political work performed by those same employees,” the jury said in a 78-page presentment.

“The lazy bastards immediately started calling it ‘Bonusgate,’ as if adding the suffix ‘gate’ to something automatically labels it as a scandal. It’s as if they couldn’t help themselves.”

In a separate presentment, the jury also recommended charges against a score of newspapers for coverage that predicted the jury would issue indictments.

"Said individuals knew or should have known that grand juries in Pennsylvania do not indict. They issue presentments, which are recommendations for authorities with the power to bring criminal charges to do so," the indic -- er, presentment, said.

Attorney General Tom Corbett, who convened the grand jury after word of the bonuses, said he has issued arrest warrants for reporters Charles Thompson of the Harrisburg Patriot-News, Dennis Roddy and Tracie Mauriello of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Mario Cattabiani of the Philadelphia Inquirer, Brad Bumsted and Debra Erdley of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and several television and radio copy writers.

“Despite clear indications that they knew, or should have known, that you can’t just add ‘gate’ to something and call it a scandal, these individuals conspired to undermine the intellectual well being of countless Pennsylvania citizens who had every right to be safe in their syntax,” Corbett told a thinly attended press conference.

Attorney Jeremiah Klein, who represents several of the journalists and their newspapers, said his clients were victims of “a climate of clarity” and said he would vigorously fight the charges.

“'Bonusgate,' while I am not excusing the term, fits into two column headlines. ‘Payroll Bonus Scandal’ does not. I think we need to understand the atmosphere that led to these cultural offenses."

BE SURE TO PICK UP YOUR TRIB p.m. EVERY MONDAY TO READ THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL PAGE

The finest newspaper in America!

G.O.P.'S SUGGESTED EVOLUTION CHART FOR PUBLIC SCHOOLS

SUPREME COURT AGREES TO ALLOW “ENTRANCE MUSIC” FOR COUNSEL; CHIEF JUSTICE SAYS NEW POLICY WILL MAKE ORAL ARGUMENTS MORE FAN-FRIENDLY

(Washington , D.C.) - In a stunning reversal, the United States Supreme Court issued a ruling yesterday permitting the use of “entrance music” for attorneys arguing before the highest court in the land. The practice of using entrance music is most frequently employed by major league baseball teams, who use entrance music to accompany players entering the batters box. Beginning this fall, counsel will be allotted seven seconds of music before beginning their presentation.

The nine members of the Court themselves will ascend to the bench with a thirty second snippet of the Bobby Fuller Four classic, “I Fought The Law (And The Law Won)." The move is seen by many legal scholars as an attempt to win back fans turned off by the Supreme Court work stoppage last year, which saw the cancellation of the October session for the first time in the Court's two hundred years of existence. Attendance for the Court’s spring session is down, and a short-lived experiment with a so-called “hot-dog toss” between cases was abandoned when Justice Ginsburg sustained facial abrasions after being struck by an errant wiener.

“We owe it to the fans to make the experience of coming out to a Supreme Court argument a memorable event,” wrote Chief Justice Roberts. “At the same time, we need to preserve the dignity of this institution.”

Bill and Hillary Clinton offer plan to unite the Democratic Party

"Hillary will be the nominee and Obama can be her running mate. Then, eight years from now, Hillary will support Obama for President. No, we're perfectly serious."

In Emotional Outpouring, Journalists Mourn Tim Russert, Apply for His Job

WASHINGTON -- Journalists from around the nation converged on the nation's capital yesterday to attend a memorial service for "Meet the Press" host Tim Russert and then applied for his job.

"We have lost a valued colleague and role model whose legacy of fairness and tenacity are irreplaceable," said one newsman, wiping tears from his face during the gathering at Kennedy Center. "Do you think they'd start me at what he was making?"

The grief hit especially hard at out-of-town newsmen from medium market stations.

Les Williams, anchor at WJLJ in Bismarck, N.D., said he spoke for many when he said Russert was viewed as a guiding figure on which to model countless careers.

"He had this direct lighting about him. It hid the double chin and made his hair look fuller. We don't have the crew for that sort of thing in Bismarck. God I hope they're at least going to look at my audition tapes," Williams said, pocketing a dozen funeral cards to impress his children and colleagues back in North Dakota.

Among the mourners were Russert's old comrades from his years as an aide to the late Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan of New York, and former New York Gov. Mario Cuomo.

"What a lot of people don't know about Tim was that he was a real advocate for the cause when he served as a Senate aide," said Daniel Woodburn, who worked with Russert on Capitol Hill. "This was a tenacious but fair guy who could get things done without the kind of hard feelings that hover in this area. It was exhausting work. Damned exhausting. I've had it and I sure do think that if he could make the transition from politics to journalism I should, too. Why can't lightning strike twice?"

A cortege more than a mile long followed Russert's casket to a suburban Washington cemetery where his old pastor, the Rev. Conor Fitzwilliams, offered a prayer. Commending Russert's soul to God, the Rev. Fitzwilliams urged mourners to "remember the Tim we knew so well, but more importantly, to honor that memory by carrying on his tradition. I know I'm going to try to do that and if the vice president for news of NBC is here, I'd like a word with him after we're finished."

Laura Bush comes out, declares self a 'cougar'

'IT'S AWESOME, DUDE'

CEDAR RAPIDS -- President Bush visited flood ravaged areas of Iowa today and after catching wave after powerful wave from breached levies, declared the entire state "a federal recreation area." The president said, "Iowans should be proud. This is some great surfing. It's awesome, dude."

WINNIE THE POOH KILLED BY POACHER; POLICE SAY SILLY OLD BEAR LURED BY SCENT OF HONEY-POT

(The Hundred Acre Wood) - Winnie the Pooh, willy-nilly-silly old bear, was killed by a poacher yesterday when he emerged from his home. His carcass, riddled with bullets, was discovered by Tigger early this morning. “I pounced on him like I always do, a hoo hoo hoo hoo! But he didn’t move, a hoo hoo hoo hoo! And now I know why!” Tigger sobbed, before adding “boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!”

Authorities suspect Mr. Pooh was led to his doom by the scent from a honey pot strategically placed under his window. Mr. Pooh has battled an addiction to honey for years. “Everybody knows Pooh was always on the make for honey,” said an animal friend identified as Piglet. “He was in an out of rehab many times, trying to get clean. It was a monkey on his back he just couldn’t shake. In the end, it cost him his life.”

Detective Sebastian Cabot, Chief Inspector of the Hundred Acre Homicide Division, said he was still gathering clues from the crime scene. He refused to speculate on the identity of the killer, but said he did consider young Christopher Robin “a person of interest.” Mr. Robin received a rifle as a birthday present from his parents. According to Detective Cabot, Mr. Robin was recently observed by several residents of the Hundred Acre Wood walking alone, brandishing his gun “in a threatening way” and muttering under his breath.

'I wonder if their heads are so big that they fill up those cool hats'

GIORGIO ARMANI INTRODUCES LATEST MENSWEAR LINE, TOUTS ITS CLEAN, TAILORED LOOK

Nonstop mourning for Tim Russert continues; grief-stricken Tiger Woods 'can't go on,' will take rest of year off to lament

Tiger Woods weeping uncontrollably on 16th fairway at Torrey Pine on hearing news of Tim Russert's death

EXPERTS CHIME IN ON BUSH'S CALL TO END OFFSHORE DRILLING BAN

BIBLICAL SCHOLAR SAYS CHILDREN OF ISRAEL COULD HAVE AVOIDED FORTY YEARS OF WANDERING BY ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS

(Jerusalem) - The world's leading expert on the Book of Exodus has concluded that the children of Israel could have avoided four decades of wandering in the desert searching for the Promised Land if they had simply asked for directions.

Dr. David Corbett, Professor of Biblical History at the University of Dayton, presented his findings at a conference held yesterday following a thorough review of recently discovered materials dealing with the departure of the Israelites from bondage in Egypt. “There are numerous instances in the transcribed accounts of the journey where an Israelite notes that 'this looks familiar,' or inquires 'didn’t we just pass this?' It would appear that Moses, who had succeeded in delivering his people from slavery, could not bear to admit that he didn’t know where he was going.”

Dr. Corbett surmised that the stubbornness of Moses, and his reluctance to ask for assistance, resulted in unnecessary aggravation for his fellow travelers. “How much easier would it have been for everyone on the journey if Moses would have pulled over and asked the Amelikites something like ‘we’re trying to get to Canaan, are we going the right way?’” Most scholars agree that Moses possessed many extraordinary heroic qualities, but was a “typical man” when it came to the mundane tasks associated with day-to-day living. “For example, we know he never left his tent without asking Zipporah whether or not he was wearing the right sandals, or whether his robes matched his staff,” said Dr. Corbett.

MICHELLE OBAMA CO-HOSTS 'THE VIEW,' TELLS AUDIENCE: 'FOR THE THE FIRST TIME IN MY ADULT LIFETIME, I’M REALLY PROUD OF ABC'

SHOCKING STUDY REVEALS ALL WOMEN WILL BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN THEIR LIFETIMES

Researchers dismiss popular "1 in 4" figure: "The authors of those studies clearly hated women"

PBS KICKS MR. ROGERS OFF AIR, NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE FACES ECONOMIC COLLAPSE

King Friday XIII, Monarch of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, said today that PBS’ decision to eliminate Mr. Rogers from its daily schedule will have a “catastrophic effect” on the municipality’s finances.

“The neighborhood has been designated as blighted, and we may soon be forced to file for bankruptcy protection,” the King said. Maintenance of the neighborhood’s iconic trolley has been cut back and, according to Friday, passengers are being told to “ride at their own risk.”

In the wake of PBS’ announcement, crime has spiked and unemployment is expected to rise to 100%. Several Wall Street firms have announced that unless the Neighborhood institutes a 10% Milk and Juice tax, they will be forced to downgrade its bond rating to rock-bottom levels.

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: November 16, 1959

DOUGLAS FAMILY KILLED IN COLD BLOOD; TRUMAN CAPOTE BOUND FOR HOOTERVILLE; EFFETE NEW YORK AUTHOR EXPECTED TO WRITE CHILLING ACCOUNT OF CRIME, ACHIEVE LASTING FAME
(Hooterville) The lifeless bodies of Oliver Wendell Douglas, his wife Lisa Douglas, and beloved farm-hand Eb Dawson were discovered by neighbors yesterday, the apparent victims of foul play. All three were found with their hands bound behind their back. Their throats had been slit. Their bodies were riddled with bullets. The brutality of the crime sent shock waves through this placid, pastoral community and attracted the attention of noted author Truman Capote.

Mr. Capote arrived in town this morning. He immediately began the exhaustive interview process that will allow him to create a modern literary classic from the facts surrounding this macabre, sordid tale. “I’m really going to miss seeing Mr. Douglas riding his tractor in that three-piece suit,” said Mr. Sam Drucker, proprietor of the General Store. “Farm living was the life for him.”

Mr. Drucker was one of several people who spoke with Mr. Capote, who appeared to be under some duress. “I have spent six hours in this God-forsaken Hell-hole and it feels like eternity,” said Mr. Capote. “I would rather chew shards of glass than spend another minute listening to the imbecilic musings of Mr. Hank Kimble.” Mr. Capote said he looks forward to the conclusion of his visit. “I have one more interview scheduled for this afternoon with a Mr. Arnold Ziffle. With any luck, I’ll be on the train back to New York by dusk.”

BUSH BEGS JED CLAMPETT TO INCREASE PRODUCTION AT HIS REFINERY; PREZ SAYS AMERICANS NEED MORE BLACK GOLD, TEXAS TEA

(Beverly Hills, California) - President Bush met with oilman Jed Clampett at his Beverly Hills Estate yesterday to appeal for an increase in production at Mr. Clampett’s backwoods refinery. Mr. Clampett, a once-poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed, discussed the matter with the President over a dinner of hog jowls and squirrel stew in the fancy eating room. The meal was prepared by Mr. Clampett's irascible mother-in-law, Granny. Ms. Granny presented the President with a bottle of her home-brewed rheumatism medicine as a souvenir of his visit.

Both men met with reporters at the cement pond following the meal. “With the heavy driving season coming on, Americans are in desperate need of additional black gold, or, if you prefer, Texas tea, to get them to their vacation destinations,” said the President. “I’m confident that Uncle Jed, and the many fine employees of Clampett Oil will be able to fulfill this need.” Mr. Clampett uttered a cryptic response to the President’s appeal. “Whew, doggie,” he said, before returning to his whittling.

It is believed a sticking point in the negotiations between the two men is the President's reluctance to give Mr. Clampett’s nephew, Jethro Bodine, a summer internship with the Central Intelligence Agency. According to sources close to the Clampett family, Mr. Bodine has long sought a career as a double-nought spy. Dash Riprock, spokesman for Clampett Oil, said Mr. Clampett has called an emergency board meeting to discuss the President’s request. The meeting is scheduled for this morning.

Tiger Woods replaces caddy with man named Guido from Hoboken

Guido's job - to break Tiger's kneecaps before every tournament so he plays better

Rocco Mediate disgraces Western Pennsylvania

When they found General Custer and his band of losers after the American Indians got done with them, they had been stripped naked and their bodies were mutilated.

That's how I feel right now. I'm ashamed that I'm from Western Pennsylvania.

You see, that's where Rocco Mediate is from, and Mr. Mediate has disgraced every last native of my region by losing his playoff in the U.S. Open to Tiger Woods on the 19th hole.

Nice go, Rocco -- losing to a man gimping around on a bad knee, wincing in pain with every shot.

But that's not even the worst of it. Listen what the loser had to say after the disastrous finish: “I’m sure that I scared him,” Mediate said. “I did good today. I’ve never had more fun, it’s just amazing."

Did you get that? You may have to read it several times before it makes sense. Rocco, you see, is from Topsy Turvy Land where up is down and where if you do bad today, you can say with a straight face, "I did good today." Custer said the same thing at the end of the Battle of the Little Big Horn: "I'm sure that I scared them. I did good today. I've never had more fun, it's just amazing."

Only losers measure their performance by whether they had "fun," of course. What sort of twisted message are we sending our youth with a losing attitude like that?

With the Roccos of the world as role models, listen carefully when our children are losing a game and you might just hear them say, "I did good today."

And then we know we're finished.

GOP operatives claim to have 'the dirt' on Michelle Obama

Child star Stanley Fafara from Leave it To Beaver fame says she once called him "Whitey" at a fundraiser.

OBAMA DISAVOWS BLACK FATHERS, SAYS THEY'RE "MISSING FROM TOO MANY LIVES AND TOO MANY HOMES"

Illinois Senator says he will "reach out" to black mothers,vows to "personally fill as many of those voids as I can"

Al Gore saved the world's ozone; now he has a plan to save the world's food supply . . .

. . . He's going to diet

"SOUTH PACIFIC" WINS 5 TONY AWARDS

Weekend's other big headlines: "All About Eve" tops at box office; President Truman announces plans to send air and naval forces to defend South Korea

WTAE ANCHORS DEDICATE EVENING NEWS TO JAMES JOYCE; ENTIRE BROADCAST DELIVERED IN RAMBLING, STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS NARRATIVE

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh's WTAE-TV news anchors Mike Clark and Wendy Bell delivered a stunning, impromptu tribute to Irish novelist James Joyce last night when they recited the entire broadcast in a rambling, stream of consciousness narrative filled with veiled barbs at the Roman Catholic Church, the Jesuit order, and construction work on the Parkway East.

A significant portion of the broadcast was spoken in Greek.

“I’ve been a fan of Joyce since I read 'A Portrait of the Anchor As A Young Man,'” said Mike Clark. “And not a day goes by when Schwenneker and Wiggin aren’t sitting around the newsroom reciting passages from Ulysses.”

Wendy Bell, the perky co-anchor of the Joyce tribute, ended the show with a rambling, fourteen minute monologue that concluded with her asking viewers “to keep it right here I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me for all the latest breaking all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad up to the minute we’ll see you at eleven yes I said yes I will yes.”

WTAE news director Bob Longo said research indicates that audiences are hungry for longer stories filled with impenetrable prose that leave them angry and confused. “Andrew Stockey and Kelly Frey are currently preparing for a September Action News This Morning tribute to David Mamet. We’re hoping our friends at the FCC will loosen up on the obscenity leash a bit,” said Longo. “After all, this isn’t just the news. This is art.”

Don't forget to pick up the Trib p.m. every Monday to read the Carbolic Smoke Ball page

RUSSERT IS CANONIZED

VATICAN CITY - The unprecedented outpouring of grief for Tim Russert, the host of NBC's Meet the Press who died Friday, prompted the Vatican to waive all requirements for sainthood -- including the requirement that miracles be attributed to the deceased's intercession -- in order to canonize him immediately.

An official Vatican statement explained the unusual move: "Even though the vast majority of persons mourning Mr. Russert never watched the esoteric Sunday morning political talk show Meet the Press and most, frankly, probably had never even heard of Mr. Russert until he died, the grieving has become so wide-spread that it has prompted the Holy See to jump on the lamentation bandwagon and declare him a saint."

Several unnamed but high-ranking officials at NBC reportedly met Sunday afternoon to discuss how to best use Russert's status as a saint to help insure the election of Barrack Obama.

A Vatican spokesman said it was fair to assume that upon his arrival in heaven, Mr. Russert turned the tables on St. Peter, traditionally believed to be heaven's gatekeeper, by using his well-honed scalpel of cross-examination to ask the Saint "tough but fair" questions about why he denied Jesus three times after his arrest in the Garden of Gethsemane.

The spokesman added that "he hoped" Katie Couric would not be named Russert's replacement on Meet the Press but declined to elaborate except to note: "You know, she's a woman and all."

'Can I please get some service here?'

'Come on, Your Holiness -- I'll race you to the fence.'

Old woman from Titanic arrested for fraud

Rose DeWitt Bukater is nabbed after claiming she owns the artifacts found on British warship that sank during Revolutionary War

SYRACUSE, N.Y. - Rose DeWitt Bukater, the old woman who claimed she was the passenger on Titanic whose rare blue diamond sank with the ship in 1912, is up to her old tricks, police say. She was arrested last night after making a similar claim about a recently discovered 22-gun British warship that sank in Lake Ontario during the American Revolution.

"Mrs. Bukater claimed she was aboard the HMS Ontario, which sank in 1780, and that she is the owner of all the artifacts that went down with the ship," said Inspector Samuel Blatchford of the International Maritime Police. "Needless the say, the artifacts are valued at millions of dollars."

Inspector Blatchford said that Mrs. Bukater's modus operandi is to "scout out" shipwrecked vessels and claim that she -- and her property -- were on board. "When they recover the artifacts from the shipwreck, she gets all teary-eyed about how they were given to her by a long lost boyfiend, and she has herself a nice little pay day. It's a great racket," he explained.

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT LAST FRIDAY ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW . . .

LISTEN HERE

WORKMAN CLEANING FACE OF BIG BEN WAS DOING JUST FINE -- UNTIL TWENTY MINUTES AFTER THE HOUR

BIG HAND BRINGS MAN DOWN TO EARTH!

'They make an iced tea at this place that's to die for -- now if only someone would wait on me!'

OBAMA RENOUNCES SELF, DISAVOWS CAMPAIGN

WASHINGTON, DC - Illinois Senator Barack Obama shocked supporters and pundits alike yesterday when, after a series of gaffes, controversial advisors, and questionable decisions, he renounced himself and disavowed his own campaign.

At a hastily called press conference, the presumptive Democratic nominee read the following prepared statement:

"I am outraged by the mistakes I've made and saddened over the spectacle I've become. I've known myself all my life. The politician I am today isn't the politician I was 12 years ago. Some of the things I've said and done aren't just divisive and destructive; they're stupid. I believe they end up giving comfort to those who prey on hate. And old-time politics. And hypocritical Democrats who don't practice what they preach. I believe they don't portray accurately the perspective of a black candidate. They certainly don't portray accurately my values and beliefs. At least as I have described them over and over again. And if I think this really is a new kind of politics, then I don't know myself as well as I thought. And so I renounce myself, and disavow my campaign, in the strongest way possible."

Asked if this meant he would decline the nomination or drop out of the race, Obama replied, "Hell, no. I beat that [expletive] fair and square, and now I'm gonna beat that old [expletive] too. I'm the man!"

HEAR DA JUDGE!

Dear Judge: I have an embarrassing problem and need to keep this confidential. I’m 20-years-old, and play in a sports league. Recently my teammates and I decided to grow beards for reasons I won’t get into. After two months, mine still has patches galore and looks like peach fuzz. I am so embarrassed. Help!

Sid, Nova Scotia

Dear Sid: I get letters from boys just like you all the time wondering if they’re normal. As you become a man, your body experiences many wonderful changes. It’s an exciting time in a boy’s life. Not all boys develop at the same pace, but we all end up in the same place at the end. Remember: Lincoln, Hemingway, the Smith Brothers, Jerry Garcia, ZZ Top -- they were all boys once, but look at their beards today! So, yes, Sid, I’d say you’re quite normal. Just stop trying to grow up too fast!

**********

Dear Judge: I fear my boss is too hard on my co-worker. Most days, she just sits at her desk sobbing. What do you think?

Bob, Brentwood

Dear Bob: Your co-worker is hurting for an entirely different reason, trust me. The next time she goes to lunch, check her chair. In all likelihood, she’s sitting on some shards of glass or thumbtacks. Virtually all employee discontent is caused by such things.

**********

To Michael, New York: While you’re at the baptism with all those witnesses, have your men settle all family business with the heads of the five families.

Sen. Larry Craig celebrates one-year anniversary of arrest in men's room stall with 'Still Not Gay' rally on Fire Island

Craig said he has "bent over backwards" for his constituents in the past year and that the men's room incident was "blown out of proportion."

HALL OF FAME EVACUATED, STENCH FROM NATE McLOUTH'S JOCK SICKENS HUNDREDS

COOPERSTOWN, New York - Baseball's fabled shrine, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum in Cooperstown, was evacuated this morning when the stench from an athletic supporter on permanent display sickened hundreds of visitors.

The offending jockstrap was donated by Pittsburgh Pirate centerfielder Nate McLouth and displayed as part of the Hall of Fame's new undergarment exhibit that includes Babe Ruth's favorite thong and the pink bikini briefs worn by former baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn.

A total of 371 fans, all female, were rushed to local hospitals for treatment. Male visitors seemed to be immune from the effects of the odor. The Hall of Fame will be closed tomorrow for fumigation, and the undergarment is being buried in an undisclosed location to prevent "jockstrap fetishists" from attempting to dig it up.

Mr. McLouth admitted he forgot to wash the garment before donating it. But Hall of Fame visitor Rosacea Swayne, 76, of Chicago, said McLouth should be excused. "I thought the undergarment exhibit was great," she explained. "Especially the 'Jocks from the Negro League' room."

The last time the Hall of Fame was closed due to stench was when "Shoeless" Joe Jackson removed his shoes in the Plaque Gallery to protest his banishment from baseball, instantly killing three visitors and sickening dozens of others. When Jackson refused to put on his shoes, he was shot dead by Hall of Fame snipers.

REVEALED: COMMUNISTS BRAINWASHED McCAIN TO ASSASSINATE AT BEHEST OF ANGELA LANSBURY

WASHINGTON - The CIA revealed that John McCain and the other members of his platoon, including Captain Bennett Marco, pop singer Frank Sinatra and Academy Award-nominated actor Lawrence Harvey, were brainwashed by the Communists while they were prisoners of war in Vietnam in a plot designed to overthrow the United States government.

Sinatra blew the lid off the plot when he reported a recurring nightmare in which McCain killed two members of the platoon with cold-blooded malice.

After an investigation, the CIA determined that the Communists brainwashed McCain to act as a sleeper agent. Communist agents would use a Queen of Diamonds playing card as a trigger to force McCain to obey their commands. McCain's domineering mother, actress Angela Lansbury, directed the entire plot. Ms. Lansbury, the CIA said, has been working closely with the Communists for 40 years, even while starring in the hit CBS television series "Murder She Wrote." Ms. Lansbury planned to force McCain to assassinate high ranking government officials so that she could install a pro-Communist in the White House, a so-called "Manchurian candidate."

While she was being led away in handcuffs, a defiant Ms. Lansbury taunted CIA officials: "What took you so long? I would have had the entire crime solved in less than an hour, commercials and all." Mr. Sinatra said he was "relieved" that "the Lansbury broad" was thwarted. He added that "they just don't write songs like The Way You Look Tonight anymore."

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