Fox News renamed 'Trump News Network'

Donald Trump, on gurney, shown with Fox News
executives Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes, right.

Trump to reconvene Warren Commission 'to nail Rafael Cruz'

NEW YORK - Donald Trump said that if he is elected president, on his first day in office, he will reconvene the Warren Commission, the official committee that investigated the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, to study Rafael Cruz's role in JFK's death. Rafael Cruz is the father of presidential candidate Ted Cruz.

Trump told Bill O'Reilly of Fox News: "We have strong evidence that Rafael Cruz was involved--very, very strong evidence that he either pulled the trigger or was with Lee Harvey Oswald at the time of the shooting."

O'Reilly told Trump that all the members of the Warren Commission are dead.

"Believe me, Bill, they might be dead, but we're bringing them back," Trump said. "We're bringing them back. Believe me. Believe me."

O'Reilly quickly added that if Rafael Cruz did kill President Kennedy, "it's just another reason to pass 'Kate's Law,'" proposed legislation O'Reilly has backed that would impose mandatory prison terms on certain illegal immigrants convicted of major felonies. "If Rafael Cruz is guilty, he needs to be brought to justice," O'Reilly said.

O'Reilly added: "Now, I wanted to get into what evidence you have for your allegation that Rafael Cruz was involved in the assassination, but we don't have time for that. I need to move on to this other point, which is more important. Do you think Ted Cruz should get out of the race?" Trump answered in the affirmative, and O'Reilly noted, "I do, too."

Trump taps deceased Penn State coach Joe Paterno for VP

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump announced tonight that deceased Penn State football coach Joe Paterno will be his vice president if he is elected president.

Local Man's Luck Changes After Trump Plastic Surgery

PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne of Bethel Park had plastic surgery to make him look like Donald Trump, and his luck changed overnight.

"I got a big promotion at work, my girlfriend agreed to marry me, and I hit the lottery," Swayne explained.

Swayne's bride, Judi Swayne, said although she initially found her husband's Trump shtick attractive, "it's starting to wear thin."

"I married him because he kept telling me, 'We're going to build a wall on our neighbor's property line, and the neighbor's going to pay for it.' Now I realize I never really believed it--I bought into it because I wanted to believe it."

Judi said she's developing a strange desire to date men who look like Senator Ted Cruz.

Trump saw thousands of Muslims cheering during the attack on 7/11--'Slurpees were all over the floor'

In a speech celebrating "New York values," Donald Trump talked about the "Muslim attack on 7/11."

"I had a lot of friends--a lot of friends--killed during the attack on 7/11 that day. They were at the Slurpee counter. And by the way, the 7/11's in New York have the best Slurpees in the world--I've had Slurpees all over the world, and the New York Slurpees are the best anywhere. Believe me. Believe me."

"And then I saw a group of Muslims in the back of the store--thousands of Muslims--thousands of them--they stood up and cheered when those Slurpees hit the ground. It was disgusting."

Trump said that, when he's elected, he plans to use 7/11's roller hot dog grills to torture Muslims.

Trump: 'I know how to raise people from the dead, and Joe Paterno is coming back'

Donald Trump told legions of angry supporters in Pittsburgh that if he is elected president, he will revive the moribund steel industry and raise disgraced Penn State football coach Joe Paterno from the dead.

“I know a lot about Pennsylvania because I went to school here, and I'm really, really smart,” Trump told the enthusiastic audience gathered at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center on Wednesday evening.

“Steel--we’re bringing back. It's coming back,” he announced to wild cheering.

“And how’s Joe Paterno?” Trump asked to perplexed looks.

"I know how to raise people from the dead, and when I'm elected, Joe Paterno is coming back. Believe me. Believe me. He's coming back." 

A man wearing a University of Pittsburgh cap stood up and shouted angrily, "Paterno rots in hell!"

Trump turned to address the man. "What you're forgetting is, I know how to make deals--I will make a deal with the devil, and we will bring Joe Paterno back. Lyin' Ted Cruz doesn't get along with anybody. The devil hates Ted Cruz. Hates him. But I'm gonna make such a great deal with the devil--a great, great deal--and Joe Paterno is coming back, he's coming back. Believe me. Believe me."

Trump switched gears to rail against China, announcing a ban on Chinese immigrants until "we can figure out what the hell the fortunes in their cookies actually mean. I mean, nobody understands what these fortunes mean." 

Trump also said he wants China to stop calling its iconic east-to-west fortification the "Great Wall" because the wall he intends to build at the Mexican border "will put their crumbling wall to shame, I promise you." He suggested China call its wall "the not-so-great wall of China."

Trump was whisked out of the hall to attend a rally in Philadelphia where he planned to announce he would resurrect from the grave founding father Benjamin Franklin and divisive late mayor Frank Rizzo. 

"I don't want to be there when they do it," he said. "The smell--let's just say it will be disgusting, really disgusting."

Lincoln's harsh treatment of protester at Gettysburg Address much like Trump

Abraham Lincoln's immortal Gettysburg Address was interrupted by a protester--and Lincoln reacted much the way Donald Trump reacts to protesters at his campaign rallies.

Lincoln was nearing the conclusion of his speech at the dedication of the Gettysburg National Cemetery when the interruption occurred: "We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom . . . ."

Just then, a man dressed as a Confederate Infantryman stood up near the back of the crowd and started shouting: "Black lives don't matter!" 

Police quickly surrounded the man, and the Great Emancipator looked up from his prepared text and snarled: "Get him the hell out of here!" The crowd applauded.

"In the old days, a guy like that would have been carried out on a stretcher," Lincoln said. "I'd like to punch him in the face."

The crowd cheered Lincoln's comments while police escorted the man away from the assembly. 

Lincoln disgustedly raised his hands and addressed the crowd candidly. "We're not allowed to push back anymore, do you know that? Seriously, we're not allowed. Well, we're pushing back at the Gettysburg National Cemetery, I can assure you!"

Lincoln continued: "If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously, OK? I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees. I promise. I promise."

The crowd rose to its feet and started chanting, "Lincoln '64! Lincoln '64!"

When the applause died down, Lincoln finished reading his speech, which drew only tepid applause.

NASA Mars Rovers Involved in Road Rage Incident

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA confirmed that two of its Mars rovers were involved in a road rage incident today, some 95 million miles from earth.

 Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.

NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.

“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.

Disturbing YouTube Video Shows International Olympic Committee Terrorizing Homeless Man with Olympic Torch

NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared for a short time on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members, including some of the most respected persons in the world, taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic Torch.

 A spokesman for the FBI said the incident, which occurred in San Francisco last March, was “an animalistic assault that was made all the more vicious because one of the [Olympic Committee members] videotaped it for sport.” Throughout the ordeal, the homeless man was visibly distressed and pleaded with his attackers to stop. The man’s fate is not known, and the FBI is concerned he may have sustained physical injuries in the assault.

YouTube’s staff acted quickly to remove the video after it was flagged by several viewers, but not before it was seen more than 6,000 times.

Ex-manager Jim Leyland to end retirement so he can spend less time with his grandchildren

PITTSBURGH - Legendary ex-manager Jim Leyland, 70, who retired in 2013 with 1,769 wins under his belt, wants to get back into the grind of managing "so I can spend less time with my grandchildren."

Leyland also said he plans to move to downtown Detroit and throw away his coffee pot "so that I smell neither the roses nor the coffee."

Pope roughs up priest who leaked church information

VATICAN CITY — The Vatican arrested Father Lucio Angel Vallejo on suspicion of leaking classified church information, and an insider said that Pope Francis gave the priest "a pretty good beating" during a police interrogation.

Father Federico Lombardi, Vatican spokesman, denied reports that Pope Francis beat the suspect. Father Vallejo was arrested over the weekend and was treated with "the utmost respect and dignity" while Vatican police questioned him, said Lombardi. Lombardi added that he "thinks" the pontiff "stopped by to ask the priest a few questions," but that "it was all very cordial, consistent with Pope Francis's overriding message of mercy and forgiveness."

A Vatican insider, who asked to remain anonymous, painted a different picture.

"The Pope walked into the holding cell and told the Swiss Guard to 'hold him straight.'" The Swiss Guard propped up Father Vallejo, then, without any warning, the pontiff gave the priest "a vicious right to the mouth," drawing audible groans from horrified onlookers. Several of Father Vallejo's teeth fall to the ground, and blood spurted from his mouth.

The Pope handed the priest a handkerchief. 

"Here you go kid, wipe off your mouth," the pontiff told him. "Now you know the score around here, From now on, we're going to get along just fine, you and me."

Pope Francis proceeded to interrogate the priest for more than seven hours without stopping. "Most of it was Francis yelling at Vallejo at the top of his lungs in between slapping him on the side of the head trying to force him to confess." At one point, the pontiff told the priest that the Catholic Church had taken his mother and sisters "to a secure location" where they would be beaten until Vallejo confessed.

In the end, Father Vallejo lost consciousness and Pope Francis disgustedly sprang to his feet and darted from the room. Onlookers reported the pontiff's white vestments were strewn with blood and that the Pope had blood on his knuckles as he strode into Saint Peter's Basilica.

Father Lombardi scoffed when he was asked about the blood. "Pope Francis cut himself shaving--both his face and his knuckles. The Holy Father has very hairy knuckles. There's nothing more to the story."


HOLLYWOOD - Abraham Zapruder, the man who filmed the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, is coming out of retirement to film a commercial for the Toro Lawn Mower Company. Insiders say Zapruder will use the same Bell & Howell 8mm camera that he used to film the assassination.

Like the assassination film, the commercial will be exactly 26.6 seconds in length, it will be silent, and, without warning, frame 313 will explode with crackling pop-pop-pop brutality as the beloved lawn mower blows up.

The commercial features some of the time-honored techniques Zapruder popularized. He is widely regarded as the father of handheld, shaky camera work to create the illusion of stark intimacy, a style imitated in countless films since 1963.