HANS BLIX LOCATES MISSING MATTER IN UNIVERSE

"It's the first thing I've ever actually found," admits former chief UN arms inspector

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hans Blix, lured out of retirement to help NASA astronomers locate the missing matter in the universe, announced today that he's found most of it.

Blix, the former chief UN arms inspector in Iraq who claimed he could find no evidence that Saddam Hussein harbored weapons of mass destruction, said it's the first thing he's ever actually found.

"What I do best is not find things that aren't there," said Blix. "I'm frankly amazed that I was able to find the missing matter -- or anything else."

"It was the damnedest thing where we found it," Blix revealed. "It was right there in Baghdad. Isn't that ironic?"

FLYING PREHISTORIC MONSTER 'RODAN' TAKES OVER FALCON'S NEST ATOP GULF TOWER

DOCTOR APOLOGIZES FOR TED KENNEDY MISDIAGNOSIS; MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR SUFFERING FROM RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME, NOT BRAIN TUMOR

BOSTON - The physician treating Senator Kennedy issued an apology last night for releasing what he called an “incorrect diagnosis” of the affliction that sent the Massachusetts Senator to the hospital this past weekend. “As it turns out, the Senator is not – I repeat, not – suffering from a malignant brain tumor,” said Dr. Larry Ronan, the Senator’s primary care doctor. “He’s just got a bad case of restless leg syndrome.” Dr. Ronan blamed the mistake on an intern in the neurology department of St. Eligius Hospital. “Apparently, this guy was looking at the results of the Senator’s MRI upside down.”

'Good laugh'

Dr. Ronan admitted that everybody in the Neurology Department “had a good laugh” until it was revealed that the erroneous information was released to the public. “We all felt horrible about it,” he said. “After all the suffering the Kennedy family has endured over the years, to think we were responsible for a little more is so awful.”

'Good will come of it'

Dr. Ronan said he planned on speaking to the intern responsible about examining MRI results at the proper angle. “I think from now on we’re going to put a tag that clearly states ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ on those things.” He added that he believed the Senator would be glad that “some good” had come from this unfortunate incident. The Senator is scheduled to be released from St. Eligius within the next forty-eight hours. He has been advised to refrain from touch football and adultery until he receives medical clearance.

COURT RULES PAPER MONEY DISCRIMINATES AGAINST THE BLIND

Government to issue horses, daughters for more "tangible" barter system

Breaking news: Clinton 'suspected' Ted Kennedy has brain tumor, calls for brains of all other Obama supporters to be tested, too

Obama to Kennedy: "I can heal you." Kennedy: "This explains why I drove off that bridge."

WASHINGTON - Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) said she has suspected that Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) has a tumor in his left parietal lobe since his endorsement of Senator Barrack Obama (D-Ill.) for president last January.

"I realized that Senator Kennedy's judgment had been compromised even more so than it normally was," Senator Clinton explained, "and the only logical explanation was a mass on the left parietal lobe."

Clinton demanded that Senator Kennedy's endorsement of Obama be invalidated "because it was the product of a mentally impaired or crazy person," and she called for "the immediate medical testing of the brains of all politicians and superdelegates" who have pledged support for Senator Obama. She said she is not ruling out calling for similar testing of all citizens who voted for Obama.

Senator Clinton added that she extends her prayers to the entire Kennedy family "who also should have their heads examined."

OBAMA DEFENDS WIFE, REFUSES TO DISAVOW HER CONTROVERSIAL COMMENTS

"She's like an old uncle who says things I don't always agree with," the Illinois Senator said. "I can no more disown her than I can disown the black community. Unless she does it again."

Pittsburgh Police on 'high alert': Crosby and Staal to be arrested 'on the spot' if they drink champagne after Stanley Cup win

"This ain't Canada where children are permitted to imbibe adult beverages," said Police Chief Nate Harper.

In the event the Pittsburgh Penguins win the Stanley Cup, Pittsburgh police chief Nate Harper said a squadron of police officers will insure that Sidney Crosby, 20, and Jordan Staal, 19, don't drink champagne as part of the team's victory celebration.

"If those boys put so much as a drop of champagne to their lips," Harper explained in a televised news conference, "they will be strip searched on the ice in full view of their adoring fans, then led away in handcuffs. Nothing will send a stronger message to our young people about the gross impropriety of underage drinking than making an example of two overpaid boozeheads." Harper then looked directly into the camera and issued a challenge to Staal. "And, Staal, I know all about what happened in Minnesota," a reference to Staal's arrest last summer for underage drinking and other misconduct at his brother's bachelor party. "You want a piece of me? Come on, punk. Just try it. Just try it."

Harper denied reports that his plan calls for the arresting officers to "rough up" the young men. "It's not part of the official agenda, but if a nightstick happened to land on their [testicles], let's just say I won't cry about it. They will, I won't."

Crosby won't say if he and Staal plan to have a drink in the event the Pens win, but he's already mounting an ironclad legal defense. "We'll ask the judge to try us as adults, then when he says 'OK,' we'll have the charges dismissed because adults are allowed to drink."

REVEREND WRIGHT TO SING “GOD DAMN AMERICA ” DURING SEVENTH INNING STRETCH AT YANKEE STADIUM

NEW YORK - The Reverend Jeremiah Wright, erstwhile spiritual advisor to Illinois Senator Barack Obama, will perform his own interpretation of Irving Berlin’s “God Bless America” at Yankee Stadium during a Memorial Day game against the Boston Red Sox. Reverend Wright will sing “God Damn America” during the seventh inning stretch of next Monday afternoon’s contest.

“I know that tempers are going to be short already, what with the traditional heated nature of this historic rivalry,” said Reverend Wright. “I’m looking forward to raising the temperature even higher.” The Reverend said he was thinking about setting an American flag on fire while he was singing, but hadn’t made up his mind. “Although I think it would improve the overall visual effect, I don’t want to distract attention from my message.”

A spokesman for the Yankees said Reverend Wright had been asked to participate in the traditional seventh inning ceremony by club owner George Steinbrenner. Yankee fans made Berlin’s song a traditional sing along at the stadium following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. A representative for the estate of Irving Berlin said the celebrated composer would “surely be turning in his grave” over the defilement of one of his signature tunes.

Reverend Wright was grateful for the opportunity to express his contempt for our country in a public forum. “Only in America ” he said.

AL GORE DELIVERS CARNEGIE MELLON COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS

Air temperature during his May 18th speech about the dangers of global warming: 52 degrees

THE MOUNTAINEER CALLS FOR RESIGNATION OF WVU PRESIDENT; VOWS TO RETURN HIS DOCTORATE

(Morgantown) - The Mountaineer issued a statement this morning calling for the immediate resignation of embattled WVU President Mike Garrison. “I cannot, in good conscience, continue to carry a musket and dress in authentic frontier costume on behalf of an institution that sacrifices academic integrity for the sake of nepotism,” he said. “I will no longer preside over post-game riots during football or basketball season, nor will I participate in a single couch-burning until Mr. Garrison departs.”

Mr. Mountaineer punctuated his remarks by firing a solitary blast of his musket into the air, throwing his coonskin cap to the ground and emitting a blood-curdling shriek.

Mr. Garrison is the principal figure in a scandal involving the fraudulent awarding of a master of business administration degree to Mylan Inc., executive Heather Bresch. Ms. Bresch is the daughter of West Virginia Governor Joseph Manchin. She has also been linked romantically to the Mountaineer. Numerous photos of the two of them together have appeared in the society pages of Morgantown newspapers.

This past Saturday evening, Ms. Bresch accompanied the Mountaineer to the Hog Callers Ball, where they mingled with guests and took turns as a “celebrity caller” during the square dance. Nevertheless, the Mountaineer said he “would not allow his relationship with Ms. Bresch to compromise his position as a representative of West Virginia University.” Mr. Mountaineer vowed to return the doctorate in quantum physics he earned from WVU in protest if Mr. Garrison remains in office.

HUNDREDS OF GAYS CELEBRATE COURT DECISION ALLOWING SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

BUT AN UNIDENTIFIED MAN CLAIMS HE WAS JUST TELLING HIS BROTHER THAT "YOU BROKE MY HEART."

Highlights of NHL Playoffs: Pens' Crosby torches Flyers' Lupul

Breakthrough: Scientist sharpens blurry impressionist paintings

PITTSBURGH - Dr. Samuel Blatchford, the inventor of digital photography, has perfected a software program that will, for the first time, turn blurry impressionist paintings into photographic-like images marked by crystal clarity.

"Monet, Renoir, Degas -- these are some of the greatest artists the world has ever known," explained Dr. Blatchford, "but, unfortunately, they always seemed to be in such a damn rush -- like they never had time to do it right -- that their creations invariably came out blurry."

"It's that indistinct quality, the fuzziness, that turns everybody off about their stuff and keeps them from being considered alongside the great masters," said Dr. Blatchford.

All that's about to change, Dr. Blatchford said. For starters, he's spent the past eleven months "Blatchfordizing" Monet's entire body of work. Pictured here is a "before" and "after" comparison of Monet's 1878 classic Impression: Boys Peeing. "Now, you are able to see the boys exactly as they looked when Monet painted them taking a whiz," Dr. Blatchford said. "My corrected image provides so much detail, it's so vivid, you can practically reach out and grab their asses -- not that I would ever have any desire to grab their asses; I mean, why would I want to grab some young guy's ass? Only if I were a pervert would I want to grab their asses, especially the cute dude on the left -- and I say 'cute' only because that's what a pervert would think. Just so everybody's clear, the hunk on the left absolutely disgusts me because I hate, hate, hate young guys, and their asses and the smell of their urine -- it's disgusting to me as a heterosexual man."

Dr. Blatchford rejected concerns of critics that he's tampering with art without the artist's permission. "If they think this is bad, just wait until they see Van Gogh's stuff in 3-D," Dr. Blatchford chuckled.

Doctors come up with cure for dehydrated Joe Paterno -- just add whole milk

JOHN MCCAIN CAUGHT ON TAPE IN ROMANTIC EMBRACE WITH AUNT PENNY; AUTOMOBILE SPOKESWOMAN, REPUBLICAN NOMINEE LEAD PAPARAZZI ON HIGH-SPEED CHASE

(Pittsburgh ) - Arizona Senator John McCain, the presumptive nominee of the Republican party in this fall's presidential election, was caught on film in a passionate embrace with a woman who is not his wife. The tape was broadcast last night on all three networks. The woman in question, known to millions as Aunt Penny, matriarch of a famous Western Pennsylvania automobile dealership, was confronted by reporters as she left a downtown parking garage this morning.

A man with white hair appeared to be cowering behind the passenger seat in the back of the vehicle, but refused to speak when asked to identify himself. Aunt Penny refused to comment on the authenticity of the tape, saying only that she considered Senator McCain “a dear friend.” Aunt Penny did confirm that while the Senator languished in a North Vietnamese prison for more than five years, she faithfully sent him shipments of her famous elderberry preserves through the Red Cross. In his 2005 autobiography, the Senator credited those preserves as giving him the will to live.

When pressed for further details on the nature of their relationship, Aunt Penny hit the accelerator and pulled out, tires screeching. She was last seen heading for the Liberty Tubes, trailed by numerous paparazzi riding motorcycles. A person answering the phones at Kenny Ross and Sons Chevrolet, where Aunt Penny works, said the venerable pitchwoman “was out of the office today.” Her whereabouts remain unknown.

OBAMA DECLARES HIMSELF A SUPERDELEGATE

"I'm going to endorse myself," the Illinois Senator said, "and then I'm going to stop John McCain from destroying Metropolis."

MIKE TOMLIN DELIVERS MEMORABLE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT ST. VINCENT

Coach says he can’t remember a word of what speaker said at his own graduation; unleashes a torrent of obscenities so “you will always remember this day”

LATROBE --- When Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was asked to deliver the commencement address at St. Vincent College last week, he wasn’t sure what he was going to say.

“I interviewed 89 prospective Steelers before the draft, and asked each of them what their commencement speaker had said to them,” Tomlin said today. “They had no idea.”

Determined to create a memorable speech, Tomlin threw himself into the task with his usual intensity. “First I read I am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe to get a sense of current-day campus life. One thing really stuck out for me: what Wolfe calls the 'f*ck patois' of today’s students. I figured if I spoke their language, they’d be more likely to remember what I said years from now.”

After making some inoffensive remarks acknowledging parents, faculty and trustees, Tomlin launched into an obscenity-laced motivational speech, which cannot be reprinted here. Gasps could be heard from the audience.

H. James Towey, President of St. Vincent, said he had no idea that Tomlin had planned such a speech. “Clearly, we should have requested a transcript beforehand,” Towey said. “We had to cut the live-feed of our ceremonies on the Internet.” St. Vincent’s website was a blank blue screen until Tomlin’s remarks ended.

Student reaction was more positive. “Holy sh*t, that was a f*ing awesome speech,” business major Noah Swayne, Jr. said. “That f*cking dude is great, man. I’m glad they didn’t pick some a**hole to give some boring speech. We don’t need that sh*t. F*ck that.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell concludes Spygate case against the Patriots is closed, based on his special investigators’ findings

OBAMA EXPLAINS "SWEETIE" COMMENT

"I've called a lot of women 'sweetie' during this campaign," the Illinois Senator said. "I just think it sounds nicer than 'bitch' or 'ho.'"

WORK UNDERWAY TO PLACE UPMC LOGO ATOP USX TOWER

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: May 15, 1938

HITLER ATTENDS VON TRAPP FAMILY CONCERT, LEAVES BEFORE ENCORE TO BEAT TRAFFIC

(Vienna) - Adolph Hitler, Supreme Leader of the German people, was in town last night to attend a concert by The Von Trapp Family Singers. The Fuehrer mingled backstage with Captain Von Trapp and his new wife, Maria, before taking a seat front row center at the Klink Civic Center to enjoy the wholesome, Aryan melodies of Austria ’s newest teen song stylists. He was observed clapping his hands in rhythm with the music, as the Von Trapps performed all of their fabulous hits. At one point, ushers were summoned by annoyed patrons who requested that he tone down his behavior.

“He just kept shouting ‘Sing Lonely Goatherd! Sing So Long Farewell!’ He was really starting to get on peoples nerves,” said one usher, who wished to remain anonymous.

According to our sources, Mr. Hitler appeared smitten by the Captain’s bride. Prior to the show, he was overheard asking her if she wanted him to “destroy those nuns who gave you such a hard time.” Mrs. Von Trapp is a former novice at a local convent. She abandoned her vocation after falling in love with the dashing Mr. Von Trapp and his adorable children. Mrs.Von Trapp declined the Fuehrer’s offer, but reportedly dropped hints that she “wouldn’t mind having a couple of storm troopers pay a visit to the Mother Abbess and rough her up a little.” A publicist for the Von Trapp family said neither the Captain nor his wife would comment on their discussions with Mr. Hitler.

Bush Makes Ultimate Sacrifice

WASHINGTON - In a candid interview, President Bush declared that in 2003 he stopped masturbating "with this hand" out of respect for the families of Americans killed in the war in Iraq.

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to know the Commander-in-Chief could be spanking the monkey in the Lincoln bedroom," Bush said Tuesday. "I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think waxing the weasel during a war just sends the wrong signal. It sends a -- I don't know -- masturbatory message."

Bush also noted that vice President Cheney recently gave up shooting people in the face as a means to boost troop morale.

OBAMA DROPS OUT OF PRESIDENTIAL RACE

Democratic frontrunner stuns supporters by announcing he’ll front a Smokey Robinson cover band instead

THIS WEEK'S FINAL WEST VIRGINIA VOTING RESULTS:

Hillary Clinton 67%

Barack Obama 26%

Mike Garrison 6%

Clinton Primary Win Nets Doctorate

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. -- Hillary Clinton carried the West Virginia Primary with more than 63 percent of the vote, a margin so overwhelming that West Virginia University officials immediately awarded her a doctoral degree.

“Ordinarily, a primary winner is accorded a master’s degree, but this was such an impressive showing that the regents here immediately knew that Mrs. Clinton’s real-life experience, combined with the credit hours she accumulated giving a speech on campus, deserved a Ph.D.,” said WVU president Mike Garrison.

Mrs. Clinton’s degree marks a turning point in state politics. The last celebrity degree beyond an MBA awarded by the school was an honorary doctor of humane letters given to Triple Crown winner Affirmed in 1979.

MYANMAR JUNTA DIVERTS DISASTER RELIEF TO PITTSBURGH PIRATES

Pirates earmark relief monies for player development

YANGON, Myanmar - Myanmar's ruling junta ordered all of the relief monies and supplies that this cyclone ravaged country has received from around the world to be piled up in a giant warehouse and transported to the Pittsburgh Pirates "where they are most needed," said Gen. Than Shwe.

Gen. Shwe explained "this is a humanitarian issue of epic proportions. The Burmese people have only lived with our present catastrophe for less than two weeks. In contrast, the people of Pittsburgh, USA, have been suffering with theirs for 16 years."

Pirates owner Bob Nutting promised to earmark the foreign aid for player development but declined to say whether he would open the team's books to prove it.

MONET'S ONE REGRET: 'GARDEN AT SAINTE ADRESSE''

PARIS - Long lost letters from Claude Monet to his tailor, Jacques Mendelbaum, revealed that the French impressionist considered his landmark work Garden at Sainte Adresse to be "a disaster."

"I stood by my canvas for 16 hours straight," wrote Monet, "waiting in vain for the bastards cluttering up the scene to leave. They did not, so I was forced to paint the damn thing with them in it."

Monet revealed that he gave "serious consideration" to murdering "the broads with the umbrellas" who refused to move. He also "came perilously close" to "dumping" the seated man wearing a hat "into the briny deep where, to my delight, his testicles would be devoured by sharks."

When a sailboat dropped anchor directly in front of him, Monet could stand no more, so he climbed atop the railing overlooking the sea and challenged the captain to a fight to the death. "Do you know who I am? I'm Claude f***ing Monet, foremost artist in the world! And you -- and these f***ing bastards decked out in the expensive clothes -- are ruining my art!"

Art historians say that the letters provide important context that explains the handwritten note Monet scrawled on the backside of the canvas: "Do not display -- trash!"

How Clinton Supporters See West Virginia Voters

How Obama Supporters See West Virginia Voters

DESPERATE CLINTON SUPPORTERS 'KIDNAP THE NEGRO' IN LAST GASP EFFORT TO CAPTURE NOMINATION

Mural fulfills terms of Andrew Carnegie’s will

The Smithfield Street mural of philanthropist Andrew Carnegie and pop artist Andy Warhol was painted to fulfill a direction in Carnegie’s will: “I direct that my likeness shall appear atop a hotdog shop wearing curlers and sitting under a hair dryer next to a pop artist of indeterminate sexuality, while soaking my hands for a manicure.”

SMITH BROTHERS RENEW VOW: WON’T SHAVE UNTIL PITTSBURGH PIRATES WIN

Cough drop barons William and Andrew Smith renewed their vow not to shave until the Pittsburgh Pirates have a winning season.

The brothers were last clean-shaven on October 14, 1992, the day the Pirates lost the National League Playoffs to the Braves.

“I can’t wait for the Bucs to win,” Andrew said. “Because this damn thing itches.”

'SOMEDAY THEY'LL GIVE A BALLGAME AND NOBODY WILL COME'

May 12, 2008: PNC Park, the loneliest place in the world

Randy Baumann: "That Web site is the most consistently funny thing going . . . ." Check out our appearance last Friday on DVE's Morning Show

LISTEN HERE

JENNA BUSH WEDDING: COMPLETE COVERAGE

PRESIDENT BUSH GIVES AWAY DAUGHTER, CHENEY

CRAWFORD, TEXAS - President Bush proudly gave away his daughter Jenna at her wedding to Henry Hager, 30, yesterday and then turned unexpectedly and called for Vice President Dick Cheney to come forward. "Dick," the Presdient said excitedly, "I'm giving you away, too." A startled Cheney stood next to Jenna throughout the remainder of the ceremony. After the wedding reception attended by 200 guests, Cheney accompanied Jenna and her new husband on their honeymoon to Wildwood, New Jersey. Cheney told reporters he planned to show the young couple his "weapon of mass destruction" on the wedding night.

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REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT, PRESIDING AT BUSH WEDDING, CALLS ON GOD TO DAMN THE MARRIAGE

CRAWFORD, TEXAS - Rev. Jeremiah Wright, presiding at the wedding of first daughter Jenna Bush, was criticized for what many called a racially and politically charged wedding sermon. Later Wright verbally attacked reporters for taking comments in the sermon "out of context." He did not, however, deny calling upon Jenna to "bed him" in order to atone for the "lack of diversity" in her selection of a husband.

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JENNA'S WEDDING GOWN SHOCKER

First daughter says Monica Lewinsky dress fulfilled wedding tradition: "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something semen-stained"

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BUSH MISTAKES JENNA'S BRIDAL BOUQUET TOSS AS AL QAEDA ATTACK ON TEXAS

CRAWFORD, TEXAS - President Bush mistook his daughter's bridal bouquet toss at her wedding on Saturday as a terrorist attack on Crawford. "Hit the deck! It's al Qaeda!" the President cried, as terrified wedding guests threw themselves to the ground. Mr. Bush immediately ordered groom Henry Hager arrested and taken to Guantanamo Bay for questioning. The President smirked to other wedding guests that unless Hager tells interrogators what they want to hear, "he'll be spending his wedding night with sex-crazed evildoers."

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JENNA PICKS 'POP GOES THE WEASEL' FOR FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE

Jenna Bush picked the delightful children's song "Pop Goes the Weasel" for the father-daughter dance with President Bush at her wedding reception Saturday night in Texas, according to persons who attended the wedding. The President reportedly was not happy with the selection because, he said, he "never understood the words."

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HENRY HAGER SEEKS ANNULMENT
"I thought I was marrying the sister!"

COORS LIGHT TRAIN PLOWS THROUGH CROWDED BUILDING; HUNDREDS KILLED, INJURED

NEW YORK - The Coors Light Train, the high-speed means by which refreshing, frost-brewed Coors is magically delivered to the parched throats of grateful consumers, plowed through a crowded mid-town office building yesterday afternoon killing and maiming hundreds of people. Authorities suspect alcohol was a factor in what the tabloids are calling “The Great Happy Hour Disaster.” The conductor reportedly failed a field sobriety test and remains in police custody.

Survivors recalled hearing the faint sounds of a once-popular song by The O’Jays entitled “Love Train” and feeling a stiff, chilly breeze just before the train, known as “The Silver Bullet,” hit the building. “It was awful,” said David Corbett, a janitor who works the evening shift. “Everywhere I looked there was nothing but twisted steel and bodies. I moved about the survivors, emptying cans of delicious, Rocky-Mountain cold Coors down their throats, but I fear I may have done more harm than good," said Corbett. “I think a couple people may have choked to death.”

Coors Chairman Peter Coors issued a statement early this morning expressing his sorrow. “The tears I have shed for the victims and their families are as bitter as the natural Rocky Mountain spring water that we use to brew Coors is pure.” Coors promised the full cooperation of everyone in the company with law enforcement and public safety officials as they begin their investigation.

FIRST PICTURES: JENNA'S WEDDING NIGHT

JENNA BUSH CALLS OFF ENGAGEMENT, WILL WED STEELERS' MASCOT STEELY McBEAM INSTEAD

WASHINGTON - The White House announced that first daughter Jenna Bush's engagement to Henry Hager is off but the wedding will go on as scheduled tomorrow with a new groom -- Steeler mascot Steely McBeam. Miss Bush commented: "Once you've had Steely McBeam, other men seem like, well, Democrats."

CLINTON SAYS SHE'S 'NOT ONE TO GIVE UP'

"Nor am I one to have a clue, take a hint, or read the handwriting on the wall."

WVU TO RECALL ALL DEGREES

In the wake of the recent MBA scandal, West Virginia University officials announced they will recall every degree ever granted in the school’s 141-year history.

WVU President Michael Garrison said he “regrets the inconvenience” to alumni, but noted that “if I’m gonna save my [job], I need to figure out what’s what around here.”

WITH TWO PA TEAMS GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD IN HOCKEY PLAYOFFS, GOV. ED RENDELL MAKES BET WITH SELF

"If the Pens win, I get cheesesteaks; if the Flyers win, I get Primanti sandwiches," explains Governor.

BATES MOTEL STILL ACCEPTING RESERVATIONS FOR MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH