MARCO RUBIO'S HEAD COMES OFF, PROVES HE'S A ROBOT



CONCORD, N.H.- During a backstage brawl after Saturday's Republican Presidential debate, Sen. Marco Rubio's head was knocked off, revealing that he is an android.

"I barely touched him, and his head came flying off," said Dr. Ben Carson, who struck Rubio's head with a baseball bat during an argument. The impact immediately separated the head from Rubio's body, revealing wiring and computer instrumentation.

"I could tell something was up with him during the debate," said New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. "He kept repeating the same rote answer. It was all very scripted, very robotic. It was clear he was malfunctioning."

After a three hour surgery, Carson was able to sew Rubio's head onto his body. "I even fixed that shifty look in his eyes," Carson explained.

Donald Trump said the fact that Rubio is a robot makes him ineligible to run for president because he is not a natural born citizen. Trump added that he's never seen a Cuban robot before Rubio.

Fox News' Bill O'Reilly said that he considered having the Rubio robot as a guest on the O'Reilly Factor on Monday night but opted to go with Donald Trump instead. "I have to go with the ratings," said O'Reilly.

NASA Mars Rovers Involved in Road Rage Incident

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA confirmed that two of its Mars rovers were involved in a road rage incident today, some 95 million miles from earth.

 Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.

NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.

“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.


Disturbing YouTube Video Shows International Olympic Committee Terrorizing Homeless Man with Olympic Torch

NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared for a short time on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members, including some of the most respected persons in the world, taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic Torch.

 A spokesman for the FBI said the incident, which occurred in San Francisco last March, was “an animalistic assault that was made all the more vicious because one of the [Olympic Committee members] videotaped it for sport.” Throughout the ordeal, the homeless man was visibly distressed and pleaded with his attackers to stop. The man’s fate is not known, and the FBI is concerned he may have sustained physical injuries in the assault.

YouTube’s staff acted quickly to remove the video after it was flagged by several viewers, but not before it was seen more than 6,000 times.

ABRAHAM ZAPRUDER LURED OUT OF RETIREMENT TO FILM LAWN MOWER COMMERCIAL

HOLLYWOOD - Abraham Zapruder, the man who filmed the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, is coming out of retirement to film a commercial for the Toro Lawn Mower Company. Insiders say Zapruder will use the same Bell & Howell 8mm camera that he used to film the assassination.

Like the assassination film, the commercial will be exactly 26.6 seconds in length, it will be silent, and, without warning, frame 313 will explode with crackling pop-pop-pop brutality as the beloved lawn mower blows up.

The commercial features some of the time-honored techniques Zapruder popularized. He is widely regarded as the godfather of handheld, shaky camera work to create the illusion of stark intimacy, a style imitated in countless films since 1963.

 
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TRUMP ORDERS SUPPORTERS TO 'BURN DOWN IOWA' AFTER LOSS IN CAUCUSES


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