Scientist 'thankful' our skin isn't made of sponge material when it rains

Dr. Noah Swayne,
Guest Commentary by Scientist Noah Swayne - Have you ever thought about how lucky we are to have skin? I mean from a SCIENTIFIC perspective? 

Have you ever considered what would happen if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead? 

Well, I have! 

In a heavy rain, our bodies would absorb so much water that our weight would nearly double. We would collapse on the floor, immobilized in a wet puddle due to the added weight. We would need to get a (dried out!) friend to squeeze the water out of us just so we could stand up and walk around the room. 

So the next time someone suggests it would be "better" if our bodies were covered with sponge material instead of skin, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts!

Tools lost in space turn up in old ‘Star Trek’ episode

CAPE CANAVERAL-NASA confirmed that tools that accidentally floated away from a Shuttle astronaut into space in 2011 have been positively identified as the same tools used in an episode of  “Star Trek” broadcast in 1967.

Prof. Noah Swayne of Hoboken University explained that objects lost in space "frequently turn up in old television programs that are set in the future" due to a space-time continuum scientists are unable to explain. The most famous example of this is the robot’s head in the old “Lost in Space” series--it was actually a light fixture from the men’s room of the International Space Station.

Man uses 13,000-year-old tools to fix Pinto

PITTSBURGH - Landscapers digging a fish pond in Noah Swayne’s front yard last week found a cache of 13,000-year-old tools buried by ice age hunter-gatherers.

Swayne immediately grabbed the rock-like instruments and went to work on his long-idled ‘73 Pinto. Now he claims that the tools are the only ones capable of fixing the old car.

“I’d given up on the damn thing,” said Swayne, “but with these tools, I was able to fix everything in about a half hour.”

Archaeologists are urging Swayne to donate the tools to a museum. 

“All in good time,” said Swayne. “I can’t give them away for as long as I own the Pinto.”

Hospital foul-up: Morley Safer has been dead for weeks but nurse mistook ticking of '60 Minutes' watch for heartbeat

NEW YORK - Doctors at Mount Sinai Hospital apologized to the widow of 60 Minutes newsman Morley Safer for "not realizing" the veteran newscaster has been dead for several weeks. Hospital staff mistook the ticking of the iconic 60 Minutes pocket watch, which Safer kept with him at all times, for a heartbeat. 

"Are we red-faced!" said Dr. Rufus Peckham, the hospital's chief of staff in a prepared statement. "This was a mistake that could have happened at any major hospital."

Dr. Peckham noted that Safer kept the watch with him because he feared his heart would stop if the watch ever stopped.

"The clinical term for such a fear is 'nuts,'" Peckham noted. "The fact is, Morley Safer was nuts."

Judge Wapner makes Trump's list of possible Supreme Court picks

Trump: "I have always been impressed with Judge Wapner's ability to resolve cases quickly--15 minutes or less, including commercials."


CHICAGO - The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of possible global annihilation, discovered today that the clock's batteries have been dead for an indeterminate amount of time. 

Records indicate the batteries were last known to be functional in 2002, and the clock's big hand has been at seven minutes before midnight since then. Midnight represents the end of the end of the world.

With the dead batteries, scientists say they have "no idea" how close the world really is to total destruction. 

"For all we know, we could be just seconds away," said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists that maintains the clock.

Master showman Trump plans to make GOP convention 'a spectacle'

Highlights include arrival of Santa Claus, live execution of a Muslim.
Preview: 2016 GOP Convention

Fox News renamed 'Trump News Network'

Donald Trump, on gurney, shown with Fox News
executives Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes, right.

Trump to reconvene Warren Commission 'to bring Rafael Cruz to justice'

NEW YORK - Donald Trump said that if he is elected president, on his first day in office, he will reconvene the Warren Commission, the official committee that investigated the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, to study Rafael Cruz's role in JFK's death. Rafael Cruz is the father of presidential candidate Ted Cruz.

Trump told Bill O'Reilly of Fox News: "We have strong evidence that Rafael Cruz was involved--very, very strong evidence that he either pulled the trigger or was with Lee Harvey Oswald at the time of the shooting."

O'Reilly told Trump that all the members of the Warren Commission are dead.

"Believe me, Bill, they might be dead, but we're bringing them back," Trump said. "We're bringing them back. Believe me. Believe me."

O'Reilly quickly added that if Rafael Cruz did kill President Kennedy, "it's just another reason to pass 'Kate's Law,'" proposed legislation O'Reilly has backed that would impose mandatory prison terms on certain illegal immigrants convicted of major felonies. "If Rafael Cruz is guilty, he needs to be brought to justice," O'Reilly said.

O'Reilly added: "Now, I wanted to get into what evidence you have for your allegation that Rafael Cruz was involved in the assassination, but we don't have time for that. I need to move on to this other point, which is more important. Do you think I've been fair to you, Donald? Is there anything I've said that isn't fair?"

Trump responded by noting that O'Reilly "could be more fair sometimes," and O'Reilly promised he'd try to do better.

"Coming up next," O'Reilly announced, "Geraldo Rivera and some other Fox News people to malign Ted Cruz."

Trump taps deceased Penn State coach Joe Paterno for VP

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump announced tonight that deceased Penn State football coach Joe Paterno will be his vice president if he is elected president.

Local Man's Luck Changes After Trump Plastic Surgery

PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne of Bethel Park had plastic surgery to make him look like Donald Trump, and his luck changed overnight.

"I got a big promotion at work, my girlfriend agreed to marry me, and I hit the lottery," Swayne explained.

Swayne's bride, Judi Swayne, said although she initially found her husband's Trump shtick attractive, "it's starting to wear thin."

"I married him because he kept telling me, 'We're going to build a wall on our neighbor's property line, and the neighbor's going to pay for it.' Now I realize I never really believed it--I bought into it because I wanted to believe it."

Judi said she's developing a strange desire to date men who look like Senator Ted Cruz.