'Washington was beautiful. But just the same, all I kept saying to everybody was, I want to go home.'


Merrick Garland: 'That Should Be Me!'

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Merrick Garland, who was nominated by President Barack Obama to serve on the Supreme Court but who could not get a hearing in the Senate, crashed the swearing-in ceremony of Amy Coney Barrett at the White House last night and stood within inches of Barrett while Justice Clarence Thomas delivered the oath.

"That should be me!" Garland shouted repeatedly before White House security escorted the failed nominee from the grounds.

"Notice he was not wearing a mask," smirked President Trump. "They criticize me for not wearing a mask, but he was their nominee, and he was not wearing a mask. If that was me, they would send me to the electric chair, but Merrick Garland was not wearing a mask. He was their nominee. He was not wearing a mask. Can you imagine what they'd do to me?"

President Trump rejected any suggestion that Garland had cause to be angry.

"He crashed this big, beautiful ceremony--he's such a loser, and by the way, he's such a loser. And he was not wearing a mask. Can you imagine what they'd do to me if I did that?"


CHICAGO - The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns the world how close it is to annihilation, revealed that the clock's batteries have been dead for an "indeterminate amount of time."

"We have no idea how close the world really is to annihilation," said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists that maintains the clock.

When the batteries were last checked, the clock's hands were at two minutes before midnight. Midnight represents the end of the end of the world.

"If we survive this, we're going to change the batteries on a regular basis," Swayne said