BIDEN SPOTTED PLEADING WITH MR. POTTER TO BAIL OUT AMERICA

BEDFORD FALLS -- A forlorn President Biden visited the office of Bedford Falls Bank President and local slumlord Henry F. Potter to ask for a loan for America today, a bellwether that the economy is in much worse shape than previously known.

Biden started the meeting with pleasantries, recalling his days growing up in Bedford Falls when he worked in the local drug store at the age of 12.

"One day, the druggist, Mr. Gower, he got drunk," said Biden. "He slapped my ear until it bled--I lost the hearing in that ear. No, wait--it wasn't Mr. Gower, it was Cornpop. Both Cornpop and Mr. Gower--they were bad dudes."

Biden then recalled that his father was president of the local Building and Loan--"or maybe he was a hard-working coalminer"-- and Biden reminisced that he was arrested marching for civil rights in support of his family's "sassy Black maid."

Potter rolled his eyes and asked Biden why he had come to visit.

Sweating profusely, Biden mumbled, "I seem to have misplaced $80 billion dollars, Mr. Potter. Can you help me?"

Potter chortled, then he accused Biden of malfeasance.

"It's all over town that you're giving money to your son, Hunter."

Biden strongly denied it, but Potter reached for the phone. 

"I'm going to do you a favor, Joe--I'm going to swear out a warrant for your arrest." Potter started to dial the phone. A young reporter was perplexed by the phone's dialing mechanism because he had never seen such a device. 

Biden tried to blurt out "come on, man!" but he choked on the words, and his face turned ashen-white. He sprung to his feet and darted toward the exit. 

A local police officer, known affectionately as Bert the cop, tried to stop him, and Biden punched him in the mouth, knocking him out cold. 

Before Biden could exit, Ernie, the lone Bedford Falls cab driver, came running in with a telegram and stopped him.

"Quiet, everyone. It's a telegram for President Biden." Ernie dramatically read it. "From Hungary. Mr. Gower cables you need cash. Stop. My office instructed to extend up to $80 billion. Stop. Hee haw, and Merry Christmas, George Soros."

A crowd that had assembled burst into cheers, and Biden led them in a chorus of Auld Lang Syne.

Abraham Zapruder lured out of retirement to film Oreo commercial

DALLAS - Abraham Zapruder, the Dallas women's clothing manufacturer whose home movie of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963 is the only complete visual record of the crime, is coming out of retirement to film a commercial for the popular Oreo sandwich cookie.

Zapruder, who has turned down hundreds of similar offers since that fateful day, decided this was the right project because "the twin chocolate biscuits have mesmerized the taste buds of the nation much as the assassination of President Kennedy mesmerized the nation's taste for news in 1963."

Zapruder says he'll use the same Bell & Howell 8mm camera that he used to film the assassination. Like the assassination film, the commercial will be exactly 26.6 seconds in length, it will be silent, and, without warning, frame 313 will explode with crackling pop-pop-pop brutality as the beloved cookie is pulled apart.

Film historians expect the commercial to feature some of the time-honored techniques Zapruder popularized. For example, he is widely regarded as the godfather of handheld, shaky camera work to create the illusion of stark intimacy, a style imitated in countless films since 1963.

Zapruder said he is disappointed that he won't be able to get "the old gang" together for this film--former President Lyndon Johnson and former Texas Governor John Connally are both dead. 

Zapruder grew very serious. "Yeah, what happened to Kennedy that day, that was totally uncalled for."

But Zapruder can't understand all the fuss about him. “I’m not an auteur! I’m just a clothing manufacturer who got lucky!”

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets


CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed a satellite photo taken last week showing that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. 

NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained. 

“The United States of America will not be known throughout the galaxy as a parking scofflaw.”