TRUMP NOMINATES JUDGE WAPNER TO REPLACE JUSTICE KENNEDY

President touts jurist's speedy resolution of cases--"two in a half hour, with commercials!"


SCIENTIST: 'BE THANKFUL' OUR SKIN ISN'T MADE OF SPONGE MATERIAL WHEN IT RAINS

Prof. Noah Swayne, Scientist
Guest Commentary by Scientist Noah Swayne - Have you ever thought about how lucky we are to have skin? I mean from a SCIENTIFIC perspective? 

Have you ever considered what would happen if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead? 

Well, I have! 

In a heavy rain, our bodies would absorb so much water that our weight would NEARLY DOUBLE. We would collapse on the floor in a wet puddle due to the added weight. We would need to get a (dried out!) friend to squeeze the water out of us just so we could stand up and walk around the room! 

So the next time someone says that it would be "better" if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead of skin, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts!

Man uses 13,000-year-old tools to fix Pinto


PITTSBURGH - Landscapers digging a fish pond in Noah Swayne’s front yard last week found a cache of 13,000-year-old tools buried by ice age hunter-gatherers.

Swayne immediately grabbed the rock-like instruments and went to work on his long-idled ‘73 Pinto. Now he claims that the tools are the only ones capable of fixing the old car.

“I’d given up on the damn thing,” said Swayne, “but with these tools, I was able to fix everything in about a half hour.”

Archaeologists are urging Swayne to donate the tools to a museum. 

“All in good time,” said Swayne. “I can’t give them away for as long as I own the Pinto.”

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets


CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. 

NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained. 

“The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

TRUMP SLAMS TURKEY WHO REFUSED TO THANK HIM FOR PARDON

"I should have left him to become Thanksgiving dinner!"



NASA: MARS ROVERS INVOLVED IN ROAD RAGE INCIDENT

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA confirmed that two of its Mars rovers were involved in a road rage incident today, some 95 million miles from earth.

 Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.

NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.

“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.