Stock Market Soars After Alex Trebek Grows Beard
Dow, S&P records a "testament" to nothing in particular
Obama Now in Third Straight Day of 'Intellectual Stutter'
Ex-President repeats the word "but" in excess of four million times in marathon speech
Mueller Team 'Unnerved' By Michael Cohen's Secret Recording of Rudy Giuliani
Ex-mayor's voice a "demonic, guttural" sound on recording
Maxine Waters to Retire, Will Devote Life to Study of Euclidean Quantum Gravity
Firebrand Congresswoman Refutes Stephen Hawking's Theory on Black Holes, Tells Restaurants Not to Serve Trump Supporters
TRUMP NOMINATES JUDGE WAPNER TO REPLACE JUSTICE KENNEDY
President touts jurist's speedy resolution of cases--"two in a half hour, with commercials!"
REPORT: Three Stooges Director Jules White Choreographed Trump's Handshake/Salute With North Korean General
Trump: "Stooges' spirit an inspiration at summit"
TRUMP PREPARES FOR MEETING WITH KIM JONG-UN
Summit to be held at Louis Restaurant in the Bronx. Clemenza to plant gun in restroom for Trump "just in case Kim acts up"
SCIENTIST: 'BE THANKFUL' OUR SKIN ISN'T MADE OF SPONGE MATERIAL WHEN IT RAINS
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| Prof. Noah Swayne, Scientist |
Have you ever considered what would happen if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead?
Well, I have!
In a heavy rain, our bodies would absorb so much water that our weight would NEARLY DOUBLE. We would collapse on the floor in a wet puddle due to the added weight. We would need to get a (dried out!) friend to squeeze the water out of us just so we could stand up and walk around the room!
So the next time someone says that it would be "better" if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead of skin, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts!
Man uses 13,000-year-old tools to fix Pinto
PITTSBURGH - Landscapers digging a fish pond in Noah Swayne’s front yard last week found a cache of 13,000-year-old tools buried by ice age hunter-gatherers.
Swayne immediately grabbed the rock-like instruments and went to work on his long-idled ‘73 Pinto. Now he claims that the tools are the only ones capable of fixing the old car.
“I’d given up on the damn thing,” said Swayne, “but with these tools, I was able to fix everything in about a half hour.”
Archaeologists are urging Swayne to donate the tools to a museum.
“All in good time,” said Swayne. “I can’t give them away for as long as I own the Pinto.”
Stephen Hawking's last research paper proves CHEEZ-IT® baked snacks brought about their own existence
Groundbreaking, but useless study expected to bring late genius Nobel Prize
Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets
CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.
NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface.
“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained.
“The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”
TRUMP SLAMS TURKEY WHO REFUSED TO THANK HIM FOR PARDON
"I should have left him to become Thanksgiving dinner!"
NASA: MARS ROVERS INVOLVED IN ROAD RAGE INCIDENT
Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.
NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.
“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.
NOSTALGIA: WHERE IS BELOVED TV FAMILY 'THE WALTONS' TODAY?
Show's syrupy plots caused cast to 'snap,' now committed to jihad
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