TRUMP SLAMS TURKEY WHO REFUSED TO THANK HIM FOR PARDON

"I should have left him to become Thanksgiving dinner!"



NASA: MARS ROVERS INVOLVED IN ROAD RAGE INCIDENT

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA confirmed that two of its Mars rovers were involved in a road rage incident today, some 95 million miles from earth.

 Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.

NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.

“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.

TRUMP AD-LIBBED AFGHANISTAN SPEECH

Prez couldn't see teleprompters because he was blinded looking at the eclipse


Ex-Pope Opens Up About Firing

VATICAN CITY - In his first interview about his firing in 2013, ex-Pope Benedict recalled being summoned to a meeting of the College of Cardinals on a ruse.

“They told me they wanted me to see a new painting in the Sistine Chapel," he explained. "As soon as I walked in, I knew this was trouble. They were all sitting there, very solemn, and they had that look that they were about to fire the Pope. I tried to crack a joke -- something about how tough it is for me to pray in the chapel with all those naked people in the murals staring at me -- but not one of them smiled.

"They sat me down and said,‘Pope, we’ve decided to go in a different direction’ — no other explanation. I was dumbfounded. "'You mean, I'm out?' I asked. One of the cardinals said, "I'm sorry, the decision has been made."

"Then we got into this whole big thing about whether I have another week's vacation time coming to me. Then these two Swiss Guards came in and escorted me to the church. They stood there while I cleaned my stuff off the altar. Then some monsignor asked for my keys to the Papal Palace and the Popemobile and told me that HR would answer any questions I might have."

"That's the thanks I get," he said. "I hope they treat this new guy better than me."

The ex-Pontiff confided that he had a "golden parachute," but wouldn't reveal the dollar value of it. He said his four-year non-compete period -- standard for former popes -- has ended, so he’s starting to "explore other opportunities" in other religions.

“I’m knocking on a few doors, let’s just leave it at that," he said.

SCIENTIST 'THANKFUL' OUR SKIN ISN'T MADE OF SPONGE MATERIAL WHEN IT RAINS

Prof. Noah Swayne, Scientist
Guest Commentary by Scientist Noah Swayne - Have you ever thought about how lucky we are to have skin? I mean from a SCIENTIFIC perspective? 

Have you ever considered what would happen if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead? 

Well, I have! 

In a heavy rain, our bodies would absorb so much water that our weight would nearly double. We would collapse on the floor, immobilized in a wet puddle due to the added weight. We would need to get a (dried out!) friend to squeeze the water out of us just so we could stand up and walk around the room. 

So the next time someone suggests it would be "better" if our bodies were covered with sponge material instead of skin, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts!