BEDFORD FALLS -- A forlorn President Biden visited the office of Bedford Falls Bank President and local slumlord Henry F. Potter to ask for a loan for America today, a bellwether that the economy is in much worse shape than previously known.
Biden started the meeting with pleasantries, recalling his days growing up in Bedford Falls when he worked in the local drug store at the age of 12.
"One day, the druggist, Mr. Gower, he got drunk," said Biden. "He slapped my ear until it bled--I lost the hearing in that ear. No, wait--it wasn't Mr. Gower, it was Cornpop. Both Cornpop and Mr. Gower--they were bad dudes."
Biden then recalled that his father was president of the local Building and Loan--"or maybe he was a hard-working coalminer"-- and Biden reminisced that he was arrested marching for civil rights in support of his family's "sassy Black maid."
Potter rolled his eyes and asked Biden why he had come to visit.
Sweating profusely, Biden mumbled, "I seem to have misplaced $80 billion dollars, Mr. Potter. Can you help me?"
Potter chortled, then he accused Biden of malfeasance.
"It's all over town that you're giving money to your son, Hunter."
Biden strongly denied it, but Potter reached for the phone.
"I'm going to do you a favor, Joe--I'm going to swear out a warrant for your arrest." Potter started to dial the phone. A young reporter was perplexed by the phone's dialing mechanism because he had never seen such a device.
Biden tried to blurt out "come on, man!" but he choked on the words, and his face turned ashen-white. He sprung to his feet and darted toward the exit.
A local police officer, known affectionately as Bert the cop, tried to stop him, and Biden punched him in the mouth, knocking him out cold.
Before Biden could exit, Ernie, the lone Bedford Falls cab driver, came running in with a telegram and stopped him.
"Quiet, everyone. It's a telegram for President Biden." Ernie dramatically read it. "From Hungary. Mr. Gower cables you need cash. Stop. My office instructed to extend up to $80 billion. Stop. Hee haw, and Merry Christmas, George Soros."
A crowd that had assembled burst into cheers, and Biden led them in a chorus of Auld Lang Syne.
But Zapruder can't understand all the fuss about him. “I’m not an auteur! I’m just a clothing manufacturer who got lucky!”
CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed a satellite photo taken last week showing that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.
NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface.
“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained.
“The United States of America will not be known throughout the galaxy as a parking scofflaw.”