SUPREME COURT'S CLARENCE THOMAS ASKS FIRST QUESTION DURING ORAL ARGUMENT IN DECADES, GOES ALL EXISTENTIAL

Justice breaks silence. Once he started, he couldn't stop asking questions: "Who am I? What is the purpose of my existence? Why are we here?"

Disturbing YouTube Video Shows International Olympic Committee Terrorizing Homeless Man with Olympic Torch

NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared for a short time on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members, including some of the most respected persons in the world, taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic Torch.

 A spokesman for the FBI said the incident, which occurred in San Francisco last March, was “an animalistic assault that was made all the more vicious because one of the [Olympic Committee members] videotaped it for sport.” Throughout the ordeal, the homeless man was visibly distressed and pleaded with his attackers to stop. The man’s fate is not known, and the FBI is concerned he may have sustained physical injuries in the assault.

YouTube’s staff acted quickly to remove the video after it was flagged by several viewers, but not before it was seen more than 6,000 times.

NASA: MARS ROVERS INVOLVED IN ROAD RAGE INCIDENT

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA confirmed that two of its Mars rovers were involved in a road rage incident today, some 95 million miles from earth.

Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.

NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.

“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.

DOOMSDAY CLOCK STOPPED WHEN BATTERIES DIED, ATOMIC SCIENTISTS HAVE 'NO IDEA' HOW CLOSE WORLD IS TO ANNIHILATION

CHICAGO - The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns the world how close it is to annihilation, revealed that the clock's batteries have been dead for an "indeterminate amount of time."

"We have no idea how close the world really is to annihilation," said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists that maintains the clock.

When the batteries were last checked, the clock's hands were at two minutes before midnight. Midnight represents the end of the end of the world.

"If we survive this, we're going to change the batteries on a regular basis," Swayne said

Obama Now in Third Straight Day of 'Intellectual Stutter'

Ex-President repeats the word "but" in excess of four million times in marathon speech

TRUMP NOMINATES JUDGE WAPNER TO REPLACE JUSTICE KENNEDY

President touts jurist's speedy resolution of cases--"two in a half hour, with commercials!"


TRUMP PREPARES FOR MEETING WITH KIM JONG-UN

Summit to be held at Louis Restaurant in the Bronx. Clemenza to plant gun in restroom for Trump "just in case Kim acts up"


SCIENTIST: 'BE THANKFUL' OUR SKIN ISN'T MADE OF SPONGE MATERIAL WHEN IT RAINS

Prof. Noah Swayne, Scientist
Guest Commentary by Scientist Noah Swayne - Have you ever thought about how lucky we are to have skin? I mean from a SCIENTIFIC perspective? 

Have you ever considered what would happen if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead? 

Well, I have! 

In a heavy rain, our bodies would absorb so much water that our weight would NEARLY DOUBLE. We would collapse on the floor in a wet puddle due to the added weight. We would need to get a (dried out!) friend to squeeze the water out of us just so we could stand up and walk around the room! 

So the next time someone says that it would be "better" if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead of skin, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts!

Man uses 13,000-year-old tools to fix Pinto


PITTSBURGH - Landscapers digging a fish pond in Noah Swayne’s front yard last week found a cache of 13,000-year-old tools buried by ice age hunter-gatherers.

Swayne immediately grabbed the rock-like instruments and went to work on his long-idled ‘73 Pinto. Now he claims that the tools are the only ones capable of fixing the old car.

“I’d given up on the damn thing,” said Swayne, “but with these tools, I was able to fix everything in about a half hour.”

Archaeologists are urging Swayne to donate the tools to a museum. 

“All in good time,” said Swayne. “I can’t give them away for as long as I own the Pinto.”

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets


CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. 

NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained. 

“The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

TRUMP AD-LIBBED AFGHANISTAN SPEECH

Prez couldn't see teleprompters because he was blinded looking at the eclipse


Ex-Pope Opens Up About Firing

VATICAN CITY - In his first interview about his firing in 2013, ex-Pope Benedict recalled being summoned to a meeting of the College of Cardinals on a ruse.

“They told me they wanted me to see a new painting in the Sistine Chapel," he explained. "As soon as I walked in, I knew this was trouble. They were all sitting there, very solemn, and they had that look that they were about to fire the Pope. I tried to crack a joke -- something about how tough it is for me to pray in the chapel with all those naked people in the murals staring at me -- but not one of them smiled.

"They sat me down and said,‘Pope, we’ve decided to go in a different direction’ — no other explanation. I was dumbfounded. "'You mean, I'm out?' I asked. One of the cardinals said, "I'm sorry, the decision has been made."

"Then we got into this whole big thing about whether I have another week's vacation time coming to me. Then these two Swiss Guards came in and escorted me to the church. They stood there while I cleaned my stuff off the altar. Then some monsignor asked for my keys to the Papal Palace and the Popemobile and told me that HR would answer any questions I might have."

"That's the thanks I get," he said. "I hope they treat this new guy better than me."

The ex-Pontiff confided that he had a "golden parachute," but wouldn't reveal the dollar value of it. He said his four-year non-compete period -- standard for former popes -- has ended, so he’s starting to "explore other opportunities" in other religions.

“I’m knocking on a few doors, let’s just leave it at that," he said.