Abraham Zapruder lured out of retirement to film Oreo commercial

DALLAS - Abraham Zapruder, the Dallas women's clothing manufacturer whose home movie of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963 is the only complete visual record of the crime, is coming out of retirement to film a commercial for the popular Oreo sandwich cookie.

Zapruder, who has turned down hundreds of similar offers since that fateful day, decided this was the right project because "the twin chocolate biscuits have mesmerized the taste buds of the nation much as the assassination of President Kennedy mesmerized the nation's taste for news in 1963."

Zapruder says he'll use the same Bell & Howell 8mm camera that he used to film the assassination. Like the assassination film, the commercial will be exactly 26.6 seconds in length, it will be silent, and, without warning, frame 313 will explode with crackling pop-pop-pop brutality as the beloved cookie is pulled apart.

Film historians expect the commercial to feature some of the time-honored techniques Zapruder popularized. For example, he is widely regarded as the godfather of handheld, shaky camera work to create the illusion of stark intimacy, a style imitated in countless films since 1963.

Zapruder said he is disappointed that he won't be able to get "the old gang" together for this film--former President Lyndon Johnson and former Texas Governor John Connally are both dead. 

Zapruder grew very serious. "Yeah, what happened to Kennedy that day, that was totally uncalled for."

But Zapruder can't understand all the fuss about him. “I’m not an auteur! I’m just a clothing manufacturer who got lucky!”

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets

CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed a satellite photo taken last week showing that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. 

NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained. 

“The United States of America will not be known throughout the galaxy as a parking scofflaw.”