KING SYNDICATE TOWN - Popeye The Sailor Man, beloved animated mariner, died of massive kidney failure yesterday after consuming a bag of raw spinach. It is believed the triple-washed, cello-packed spinach was infected with the E Coli bacteria. Authorities have traced the bag to Natural Selection Foods, a company based in San Juan Bautista, California. Natural Selection Foods is owned by Bluto, a man known for his violent altercations with Popeye over the affections of the anorexic, oval-eyed Olive Oyl. Mr. Bluto issued a statement this morning disavowing any knowledge that the spinach he presented Popeye in the middle of yesterday’s brawl between them was filled with anything but "green-leafed goodness." He added that his thoughts and prayers were with Popeye and his family, and that he looked forward to ravaging Ms. Oyl now that his former romantic rival was enduring the eternal flames of perdition. He concluded his statement with a deep, dark, drawn-out laugh. According to Ms. Oyl, Popeye staggered into his house and up the stairs early Sunday after a night of brawling. He collapsed as he entered his bedroom, falling into her arms. "It looks like I’m finished, I ate tainted spinach, tell Bluto I hate his guts," he said. "And then he gave two mournful blows of his corncob pipe, and died," said Ms. Oyl.
Lawyers for Ms. Oyl were simultaneously seeking a restraining order and preparing a wrongful death suit against Mr. Bluto. Criminal charges may still be filed. Funeral arrangements were incomplete.
