PHILADELPHIA - Dressed only in a sleeveless undershirt, with several gold chains draped around his neck, and yelling, "Hey Paisano" to everyone he saw, newly ethnic Senator Rick Santorum made a series of campaign appearances yesterday designed to highlight his Italian-American heritage. Joining Santorum was the famous Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, the celebrated Italian culinary giant credited with bringing spaghetti-o’s to American shores.
Speaking to patrons at Bonelli’s Sub Shop and Salon on 9th Street in South Philadelphia, Santorum took a few bites from his sandwich before telling the crowd, "I’m just an Italian kid from a steel town." He then yelled, "Mama Mia! That’s a spicy meat-a ball!" Chef Boy-Ar-Dee smiled, and the crowd roared its approval.
John Brabender, chief media strategist for the Santorum campaign, said the failure of the candidate to cut into challenger Bob Casey’s lead in the polls forced Santorum to play the race card. "Chef Boy-Ar-Dee brings us instant credibility with Pennsylvanians of Italian descent. He is as authentically Italian as Rick."
Santorum will appear today at a Quaker service, and Brabender said that "the long-haired guy with the hat from the Quaker Oats label" will join Santorum. But Brabender quickly added: "Other than that, from now on, Rick is an Italian-American."
Brabender said since Santorum made the decision to jettison his heretofore deracinated self, the Senator has spent at least several hours each day learning to speak with his hands. The Senator is also receiving private lessons in an attempt to master the game of bocci. "Once he learns to throw it instead of placing it on a tee and striking it with a club, he’s going to be fine," said Brabender.
