THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - The Justice Department says I can now reveal that last August I photographed an older, balder -- but just as evil as ever -- Osama bin Laden partying in a Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania suburb. In the picture, bin Laden is brazenly clutching an American teenager he was trying to recruit for one of his suicide squadrons. Thankfully, I was able to free the girl before the suave monster could do any harm. This is all I can reveal at this time: By day, bin Laden runs his world-wide terrorist operation out of a local Pittsburgh pizza shop; by night, he moonlights as a pizza delivery man, and the tip money pays for his lavish criminal lifestyle. (Hint to Feds: As is customary in the seedy underworld of independent pizza shops, I've learned that bin Laden does not declare tips as income. Remember how you nailed Capone!)
The authorities and I are working together to capture him, and I'll reveal what I can, when I can. Stay tuned.
