GOTHAM CITY, Cal. - The California brush fires have reduced to rubble stately Wayne Manor, home of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson. When the flames were extinguished, authorities said that they discovered beneath the ruins the entrance to what appears to be a decadent gay strip club with a "bat" motif.
"We believe that the club was called 'The Bat Cave,'" said Police Chief Shamus O'Hara. "From what we've been able to piece together, the strippers would enter the stage area by sliding down poles marked 'Bruce' and 'Dick.' As you can imagine, when we saw that we figured this place was gay Mecca. As they slid down, the performers would change into colorful tights with bizarre masks," said the Chief. "We surmise that they would writhe around these poles and lose the spandex to the delight of the gay clientele. My guess is that the fruity customers would slobber over them and force money into their 'utility belts.' This is as decadent as it gets."
Chief O'Hara said that police have arrested the owner of the mansion, Bruce Wayne, and have taken his "ward" to a youth detention home, on suspicion of being the masterminds behind the illicit strip club. "We have evidence that Wayne would force Master Grayson to perform in these gay freak shows. Wayne would dress him up in nylons and spandex and bill him as 'The Boy Wonder.' I don't think I need to tell you what that refers to," said Chief O'Hara. "Wayne would tell the boy's aunt, actress Madge Blake, that they were going fishing or some other lame thing, and then they'd disappear, sometimes for days."
Wayne spoke briefly with reporters and denied the charges. He claimed, with a halting and over-acted affectation, that he and Grayson are heterosexual crime fighters who dress in colorful costumes to conceal their true identities from the underworld. Asked about the poles, Wayne explained: "I installed the poles because I like how they feel when I slide down."
