PITTSBURGH - Lame duck Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy issued a statement today in anticipation of Sunday's expected Steeler loss to the Chicago Bears at Heinz Field assuring fans wishing to take their own lives that all downtown bridges will remain open for jumpers until ten p.m. Sunday evening. Bridges will reopen for jumping at six a.m. Monday morning. A Steeler loss almost certainly would prevent the team from earning a playoff berth, creating widespread civic anxiety, depression and, in many cases, an inability to live. After posting a 15-1 record last year and coming within a game of the Super Bowl, expectations were high for this season. Mayor Murphy acknowledged the sense of disappointment and is requesting all would-be jumpers to "be respectful of the rights of other jumpers" and wait their turn in line at any of the city's conveniently located spans. Jumpers are asked to sign in and wait until their name is called before proceeding to the spot on the bridge where they would like to end their lives. They will also be asked to write the name and telephone number of a contact person -- with a Steeler yellow-and-black permanent marker -- on their left forearm before entering the water. At the Mayor's request, a copy of his proclamation regarding the applicable procedures is reprinted here in its entirety, and diehard Steeler fans are encouraged to cut it out and tape it to their refrigerators.
Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato quickly issued a press release of his own offering the services of the fledgling County Water Taxi fleet as a quick and efficient means to achieve the same end. "You don't get the flying sensation that comes with a leap from the top of a bridge," Onorato explained, "but you still get a high-quality drowning."As in previous years when the Steelers have not made the playoffs, the Allegheny County Bar Association will have volunteers ready to assist jumpers in preparing wills. Plans by the Mayor's office to retain the services of a clergy of various denominations to discuss alternatives to suicide were scuttled when the American Civil Liberties Union threatened legal action.
