WECHT CHARGED WITH USING COUNTY RESOURCES TO PERFORM ALIEN AUTOPSIES IN EXCHANGE FOR OFFICE SPACE ON DISTANT PLANET PITTSBURGH - A spokes-alien for planet Xenon, the sixth planet in a dual-star solar system approximately 110 light years from earth, announced today that Xenon would no longer utilize the services of former Allegheny County Coroner and forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht, who had performed hundreds of alien autopsies for the planet over the past eleven years. Wecht was charged last week in an 84-count indictment with using County resources to perform the alien autopsies in exchange for massive amounts of personal office space on Xenon.
According to the indictment, Wecht acquired an intergalactic reputation as a pathologist "sympathetic to alien causes" following his appearance on a controversial 1995 television broadcast, Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction? After that, Xenon retained Wecht to perform thousands of alien authopsies. But Xenon is a poor mining planet that could not afford to pay Wecht in cash, according to the indictment, so Wecht cut a deal to accept the office space instead. It is not known whether Wecht has ever utilized the office space or even visited the distant planet. Investigators speculate that Wecht has leased some or all of the office space and has collected rental payments.
When asked about the indictment, Dr. Wecht angrily pointed a finger at a reporter. "I am unquestionably proficient at performing alien autopsies given that I have two medical degrees from the University of Xenon at Zimbawna and a law degree from its internet program. Exactly how many degrees do you have?" He spun around and stormed off, refusing to answer further questions.
TriFlugor-Rydny, Imperial Ruler of Xenon, did not immediately return calls for this story.
