KDKA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT CATCHES PANSIES ENGAGED IN "ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF NON-FOOTBALL ENTERTAINMENT": STUDYING, VISITING ART GALLERIES AND (OF COURSE) GOING TO SEE "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" PITTSBURGH - KDKA Investigative Reporter Andy Sheehan's controversial report during the six o’clock news Monday night had many local men who have no interest in the Steelers headed for Kaufmanns on Tuesday to buy anything black and gold so that they can, as Sheehan put it, "maintain the pretense of masculinity." Using his trademark confrontational approach, Sheehan's report "outed" dozens of Western Pennsylvania males who did not watch "the big game" on Sunday.
On Sunday afternoon during game time, Sheehan and a cameraman waited at the exit of a local movie theater showing Brokeback Mountain. “When most normal men were home swearing at their television set and sweating buckets of testosterone upon their living room floors, these men were watching a movie about gay cowboys,” said Sheehan, pointing at the crowd running toward their cars to evade him.
Sheehan next visited the Hillman Library at the University of Pittsburgh and attempted to "out" several males who were studying, but most pulled overcoats across their faces. When one young man put his hand over the camera lens, Sheehan sharply rebuked him, “What kind of sicko are you?” Although Sheehan spotted numerous Asian males studying, Sheehan explained that "Asians, women and, in fact, most minorities get a free pass -- they're simply not expected to watch the game." But no Caucasian male was immune from Sheehan's witch-hunt. At the close of his report, Sheehan openly chided his cameraman, Sean Cannon, who volunteered for the assignment. "I'm here today, missing the big game, because I have to be here," said Sheehan. "But exactly why are you here, Sean?" Cannon later explained to this news source that he is, in reality, part Hispanic, "and Andy [Sheehan] had no right to call me out like that."
Sheehan's follow-up report last night had him interviewing County Executive Dan Onorato. “Don’t you think families have the right to know when a male, over the age of 12, moves into their neighborhood who is interested in 'alternative' forms of entertainment during football season?” he asked. Onorato agreed, and stated that he will introduce a bill to require all males who are not football fans residing in the county to report their presence to local authorities. Onorato said that their names, and the communities in which they reside, will be found on the Allegheny County web site.
