BUT BARBIE FINDS BOTH MEN INADEQUATE: "KEN VERSUS BLAINE? IT WILL BE THE BATTLE OF THE BULGELESS" NEW YORK - Sales of Mattel's Barbie doll were off 13% last year, prompting the giant toymaker to reach into the past and trot out Ken, Barbie's long-time boyfriend who was unceremoniously ditched two years ago in favor of surfer dude doll Blaine. Ken is getting a makeover in hopes of not only sending his old flame's heart aflutter but also jump-starting the entire Barbie franchise.
But Barbie herself is not excited about the prospect of hooking up with Ken again or, for that matter, staying with Blaine. "I'm slumming with either one," said Barbie. "I want to be careful how this comes across, but I am justifiably proud that my disproportionately oversized breasts, thin waste and long neck have created widespread self-image disorders in American girls across every demographic," she said. "In contrast, I can tell you first-hand that Ken and Blaine are -- how can I say this politely? Unanatomically correct. Let's be candid, neither of them is able to use a urinal and both are, as you would expect, sopranos," she said. "It's time that Mattel considered my needs as a woman and allowed me to be with a real man."
When told of Barbie's remark, Ken reacted angrily. "That conceited bitch," he said in a high, squeaky voice. "Exactly what does she think she'd be able to do with a 'real man?' I mean, she's only several inches tall! A real man's p**** is bigger than she is," he said.
Blaine was unavailable for comment as eight-year-old Tiffany Mason was busily dressing him for tea in a florid Hawaiian shirt.
