FORT MYERS, Fla - Golda Haasmann, founder and CEO of GAP clothing rip-off "JAP," which sells its "JAPforWomen" and "JAPKids" exclusively in Asia, has been coming to Sanibel island, the "seashell capital of the world," twice a week for twenty-five years to collect shells that she attaches to her "promiscuous older-woman's" line of blouses, which she describes as clothes for "the modern geisha slut."
But for the past two months, Haasmann has noticed that "all the good shells are gone" by the time she can get there from her home in Fort Myers, just across the bridge, which is "no earlier" than 10:30 A.M. "By the time I get there, there's nothing left but broken shells," she explains. Finally last week, Haasmann tried to get to Sanibel earlier but admits she hit the snooze button on her alarm clock "repeatedly -- at least 14 times." Haasmann has ruled out sending an employee to Sanibel earlier because, she asks rhetorically, "why should I pay someone to have a day at the beach?"
Haasmann blames "the brain damaged snowbirds" from up north for "stealing" all the good shells on the beach. "These monsters are ruining fashion for the entire Asian world," she says. Haasmann announced that, as a result, she might either close the company "or get a louder alarm clock so I can get to the beach earlier."
