PITTSBURGH - Pirates owner Kevin McClatchy held a press conference this morning to announce that Yoko Ono, widow of slain smart Beatle John Lennon, would sing the National Anthem before the team’s home opener this Monday against the Los Angeles Dodgers. “Yoko has promised me that her treatment of the Star Spangled Banner will be respectful and understated, with a minimum of shrieking,” said McClatchy. In other Pirates news, McClatchy announced that Aramark, Inc. will offer Soylent Green at the new Charlton Heston Concession Kiosk located on the mezzanine level. “Our research indicates that fans are tired of traditional ball-park fare. They want a different kind of eating experience when they come to PNC Park. And this Soylent Green is the miracle food of high energy plankton gathered from all the oceans of the world,” said McClatchy. “And we’ll be offering Soylent Red, too.”
When asked about rumors that the “Pierogie Race,” a PNC Park fan favorite, was being dropped this season, McClatchy was quick to respond. “Not dropped, just tweaked a bit,” he said. “As you know, Commissioner Stern imposed a one year suspension on Sauerkraut Sol after he failed a drug test for the third time in his career. So that hurts. And I thought the race was lacking something last season. So I’m pleased to announce that this year, in conjunction with the Pittsburgh Zoo, we’ll be using real, African lions to chase the Pierogies from the right field corner to home plate. Now they’ve got something to run for,” said McClatchy. “Their lives.”
