PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Police today raided a secret museum in the sub-basement of H.J. Heinz Company's northside factory housing innumerable pornographic artifacts with a tomato theme.
"I have just seen evil in its purest form," said Pittsburgh Police Chief Dom Costa, who headed the raid. "Or, more accurately, in it's puree form."
Among the artifacts is the statue pictured above, entitled "Tomato Man with Ketchup Bottle Phallus."
A hands-on exhibit of a busty woman built entirely out of tomatoes invites visitors to "squeeze the tomatoes."
And an entire room is devoted to Heinz's "57 varieties," but it has nothing to do with food products.
Chief Costa was shaken by the depths of depravity he witnessed. "Call me homophobic if you will," he said, "but I've given up eating pickles."
