SHANKSVILLE, PA - A vocal majority of the audience at the world premiere of controversial United 93 at the Warner Theatre in Somerset last night expressed outrage that Universal Pictures took "extensive liberties" with the facts about the only terrorist flight on September 11, 2001 that failed to hit its target. The film stars Charles Durning as pilot Captain Dahl, Keanu Reeves as Todd "let's roll" Beamer, and Jessica Simpson as a flight attendant. "Well, the first thing wrong with it," said angry Shanksville resident Sean Cannon, "is that Hollywood turned the Arab terrorists into debonair British villains." (A Universal Pictures spokeswoman denied that the casting of four middle-aged British males to play the terrorists was a bow to political correctness. "We weren't concerned with ethnicity," said Carol Murray. "But it just so happened, coincidentally, that these British actors had the best auditions for those particular parts.")
The filmgoers had even more serious criticisms. "I hate to burst their bubble," said Sean Cannon, "but the passengers did not subdue the terrorists and safely land the plane."
A minority of the filmgoers were pleased that the terrorists were vanquished in the film. "I, for one, applauded when Keanu [Reeves] threw the last of the British terrorists out the gaping hole in the side of the plane," said Velveeta Lugosi. "Maybe the real terrorists will see this and get the message that they can't mess with us."
But the filmgoers saved the brunt of their fury for the filmmakers' decision to ignore Flight 93's Pennsylvania connection. Boos erupted in the theater when Reeves brought the plane to rest not in a Western Pennsylvania field but in the middle of bustling Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C., directly in front of the Capitol Building, after narrowly missing the President's daughters who were sunbathing on the roof of the White House.
Many of the attendees continued to boo the humorous outtakes during the final credits, especially the sight of Charles Durning mugging shirtless in a turban.
Director Paul Greengrass dismisses the criticisms. "Frankly, the story that the Shanksville residents wanted me to tell was a real downer. Let's face it, these folks are the same bellyachers who rooted for Stallone to lose the fight in the first 'Rocky,' and for Rhett Butler to leave Scarlett O'Hara." Greengrass said he should be lauded for refusing to accede to the studio's demand that the President's daughters be shown sunbathing topless. "That would have been totally gratuitous," Greengrass explains. "Besides, we show enough of Jessica Simpson's breasts all throughout the film without stooping to distracting cheap thrills during the film's climax." Greengrass said he is pleased with the finished product. "I can tell you that when Keanu and Jessica walk off that plane arm-in-arm, it made me proud to be an American -- even though I'm British."
