BRADENTON, Fla - The Pittsburgh Pirates revealed today that they sent third baseman Joe Randa, 37, to famed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the off-season to teach him sorcery, hoping to improve his batting average and defense. "It may seem unorthodox to the average fan sitting in the bleachers slurping his beer, but it really was nothing out of the ordinary," said Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield. "[Barry] Bonds attended [the school] in 1998, and we all know what it did for him."
Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, said that Randa was an eager student. "I predict that with young Master Randa at third base, any ball hit to the left of second base up to 40 feet into the air will be an automatic out. And look for him to strike between 65 and 80 homeruns, and to hit at least .350."
Randa has been the hit of the Pirates' spring training clubhouse. He is able to levitate objects (see picture above), sign his autograph by just pointing at a piece of paper, and he has picked every basketball winner during the NCAA finals.
