PITTSBURGH - A study conducted by the European History Department at the University of Pittsburgh College of Arts and Sciences proves that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger would have sustained only “minor injuries” from his motorcycle accident last week if he had been wearing a suit of armor. The results of the study were released yesterday at a press conference held by Chancellor Mark Nordenberg outside his office in the Cathedral of Learning. The Chancellor hailed the study as a “classic example of what academicians can accomplish when they have too much time on their hands.” He went on to say that “while it is indisputable that Mr. Roethlisberger would be better off wearing a suit of chainmail, we realize the sheer weight of the suit would make driving a motorcycle an uncomfortable experience. However, plate armor would be a worthy substitute."
The Chancellor had an even more startling recommendation. "We also encourage young Roethlisberger to consider carrying a lance at all times while riding, not only as a means of protection from wayward vehicles, but to ward off troublesome autograph seekers as well.”
Mr. Roethlisberger’s agent Leigh Steinberg said that Mr. Roethlisberger “was humbled by the conclusions reached by the esteemed faculty members,” and vowed to contact representatives from Adidas to have a suit of armor custom made for his next bike ride “just as soon as he can open his mouth.”
